SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3

98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

NBC News Special Report

Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Henry Hyde…..Will Ferrell
Jesse Helms…..Darrell Hammond
Mary Bono…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on NBC logo ]

Annoucer: This is an NBC News Special Report. Reporting live from Washington, here is Tom Brokaw.

[ dissolve to Tom Brokaw at news desk ]

Tom Brokaw: As the spector of impeachment hearings brings the wheels of government to a grinding halt.. a suddenly hesitant America asked itself, “Have we gone too far?” More and more Americans seem to think the answer to that question is.. “Yessss”. Public opinion polls sohw 67% are in favor of the job the President is doing; 32% are not; and 1% think Howard Stern rules. Republican leaders taken aback by this pro-Clinton backlash are ready to respond. We go now, live, to the office of Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Henry Hyde, for this special address.

[ dissolve to Henry Hyde’s office ]

Henry Hyde: Good evening, America. Recently, the Republican Party has been accused of conducting a witch hunt aimed at overhrowing an elected Preisdent. Some even say we’re in the midst of a coup d’etat. Well, I’m here to say, “You’re damn right!” And, you know what, America – what the hell you gonna do about it? Okay? Most of you are too busy watching “Road Rules” and drinking Frappucinos to go out and vote. We’re gonna boot this hillbilly out! And then give tax breaks to the rich! So suck on that! Suck on it a real long time, then suck on it some more! Then keep sucking on it, and then suck a little bit more, and suck some more! And just keep sucking on it! Now, to further drive home how little respect I have for you as a nation, here’s my good friend Sen. Jesse Helms.

[ Jesse Helms enters office ]

Jesse Helms: Ohhhhh.. [ forms evil pose duet with Henry Hyde ] Hello, America. For 40 years, all y’all have been cutting Social Studies class and grab-assin’ in the Smokin’ Lounge! Now, we’re screwin’ ya! And you’re clueless! [ Henry Hyde snickers] Whatcha gonna do, call the cops?

Henry Hyde: [ chuckling ] That’s rich! That’s rich!

Jesse Helms: Clinton raised the minimum wage, and I’m gona cut it in half, mofos! [ Henry Hyde claps ecstatically ] Everyone one o’ ya gonna be workin’ at Arby’s for $2 an hour! And I’m-a gonna be gettin’ off on it!

Henry Hyde: Thanks, Jesse! Thanks! You think things can’t get any worse? Then let me introduce Sonny Bono’s widow, and member of the Judiciary Committee, Congresswoman Mary Bono. Hey, Mary, how are you?

[ Mary Bono enters office, joins the trifecta evil pose ]

Mary Bono: Hi, suckers! Just wanted, um.. my constituents in Palm Springs to know that I’m working hard to get that Luxury Tax lowered!

Henry Hyde: Good!

Mary Bono: The rest of you, can bite my ass!

Henry Hyde: Whoo-oo!

Mary Bono: Hey! Bruce Willis for President!!

[ the three of them scream like hyper schoolkids ]

Henry Hyde: [ snickering ] President Bruce Willis – you’re all probably dumb enough to do it! [ mocking ] “He was in Die Hard, he can clean up the country like he did the bad guy!” [ motions fingers ] Hey, look, America – my thumb came off! My thumb came off!

Jesse Helms: Now, listen here, America – we’re not morons like most of you. So, just in case this woke some of you up, let me take care of some business. [ holds up pocket watch on chain ] Just look at this watch.. it’s shiny, very shiny. You’re getting very sleepy.. you’ll remember none of what you heard.. Republicans are your pals, they want a proud America, they don’t want blacks anywhere! Oh.. oh.. I mean, no affirmative action, oh yeah.. Think of good things, America. Think of the TV show “Friends”.. think of dancing babies.. fruit roll-ups.. that little kid from “Jerry Maguire”.. Beanie Babies.. sharks fighting monkeys.. Ohhhh, you feel good? What’s the point of votin’? Go to slee-eep.. slee-eep. Don’t think, just repeat the mantra: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..” “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..”

Hypnotized Audience: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..”

Jesse Helms: Nothing matters – nothing.. so, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3

98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

MSNBC: Crisis in the White House

Linda Carroll…..Ana Gasteyer
Elizabeth Gerber…..Cheri Oteri
Melanie Corlan…..Lucy Lawless
Sharon Watts…..Molly Shannon

Linda Carroll: Welcome back. If you’re just joining us, we’re in our second hour of discussing the Clinton marriage. Liz, you raised a very interesting question before the break: Are Bill and Hillary Clinton really in love, or is this just a marriage of convenience?

Elizabeth Gerber: This marriage is obviously a political arrangement. I mean, these people are definitely not in love.

Melanie Corlan: Come on. These two were college sweethearts. That’s a long time.

Sharon Watts: Well, you know, they’ve described that marriage as a partnership. Well, whatever that partnership is, it’s on shaky ground.

Linda Carroll: You know, I guess the political question on everyone’s mind is, “Do they still do it?”

Sharon Watts: I absolutely believe they still do it.

Elizabeth Gerber: No. Get real. I mean, I bet they’ve never had sex. I bet they’ve never even made out!

Melanie Corlan: Liz, they’ve made out. They have a daughter. Where do you think she came from – a daughter kit?

[ the four women laugh amongst themselves ]

Linda Carroll: Do you think Hillary Clinton is pretty?

Melanie Corlan: She is definitely pretty.

Elizabeth Gerber: Aw, come on. That left wing feminist propoganda? She’s not that cute!

Melanie Corlan: She has a very pretty face.

Linda Carroll: Sharon?

Sharon Watts: [ thinking ] Hmm.. Well.. not to sound like the President or anything, but it really depends how you define “pretty”. She’s not, like, model pretty, you know? But, on a scale of 1 to 10 – if 1 was, like, the Cryptkeeper, and 10 was, like, Jennifer Love Hewitt – I’d say she’s, like, uh.. a 6 or a 7.

Linda Carroll: I think she’s the kind of pretty where, if you didn’t know her, she wouldn’t catch your eye.. but, if she were your friend, you’d be, like, “Oh! She’s totally pretty!”

Elizabeth Gerber: Linda, look at the facts, okay? [ circles and draws over photo of Hillary ] I mean, she has thick ankles, she’s too brainy, she does not look good in a bathing suit..

Linda Carroll: You’re a good drawer! You’re a really good drawer!

Elizabeth Gerber: Thank you!

Sharon Watts: You guys! You guys think they’re gonna break up?

Melanie Corlan: No way! They are such an awesome couple!

Elizabeth Gerber: They’re gonna break up.. so fast.. that I think he’s gonna ask Monica out again – hello?!

Sharon Watts: Hey, can I play with your hair?

Elizabeth Gerber: Uh huh!

Linda Carroll: Of course, one question remains: if you guys had to rate all the Clinton Scandal boys by cuteness, who would be first?

Elizabeth Gerber: Definitely not Kenneth Starr! [ the girls giggle and chatter ]

Melanie Corlan: I guess I would say that Kenneth Starr is at the bottom; then Henry Hyde; then, Sidney Brumenthal; then, President Clinton; then, #1, would have to be.. Vernon Jordan! [ holds up notebook with Vernon’s name and pictures all over ]

[ the women, now dressed in pajamas and nighties, all chatter about how cute Vernon Jordan is ]

Sharon Watts: A friend of mine says she knows him, and she says he’s really sweet.

Linda Carroll: Awwww… ohh, that’s so sweet..!

Sharon Watts: We should call him..

[ the women go into shock, tempting themselves to do it ]

Elizabeth Gerber: I have his number! I have his number! [ she dials the phone and giggles ] Oh, it’s ringing! Oh, my God! [ on the phone ] Hello? Is Vernon there? [ the girls giggle ] Uh.. hi. Do you know who this is? [ the girls giggle some more ] No? Well, look at us on MSNBC!

Sharon Watts: Oh, my God! Hang up! Hang up! Hang up!
[ Elizabeth hangs up the phone, the girls can’t stop giggling ]

Melanie Corlan: You, guys, this is, like, so fun! I just wish I wasn’t via satellite!

Sharon Watts: I knowww.. I brought all this face glitter!
Elizabeth Gerber: [ shines a flashlight into her face ] Come to me.. Bloody Mary..

Linda Carroll: [ screams ] Oh, my God! Don’t! Don’t!

Melanie Corlan: You guys? Don’t tell Diane Sawyer, but you’re my new best friends!

[ the girls sigh happily ]

Linda Carroll: [ to camera ] Well, stay tuned to “White House in Crisis”, because we are going to be up all night long. We are not going to sleep! [ she places a retainer into her mouth ]

Melanie Corlan: I may be via satellite, but if any of you guys fall asleep, I am going to stick your hand in warm water!

[ fade to black as Elizabeth lays across the desk and begins to “levitate” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3

98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

Lucy Lawless’ Monologue

…..Lucy Lawless
Male Audience Member #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Male Audience Member #2…..Horatio Sanz
Female Audience Member #1…..Tina Fey
Female Audience Member #2…..Paula Pell

Lucy Lawless: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks forthe applause. I’m not sure if that’s for me or because the Yankee’s arewinning tonight. You know, I’m from New Zealand, where we film my show”Xena: Warrior Princess”, and my character..

Male Audience Member #1: [ interrupting ] Lucy? Lucy?

Lucy Lawless: Yes?

Male Audience Member #1: Hi. Big fan of “Xena”.

Lucy Lawless: Thanks. [ smiles ]

Male Audience Member #1: Are you proud to play a lesbian?

Lucy Lawless: Well.. uh.. actually, I don’t define my character, Xena,as a lesbian. I like to think of her as a fierce warrior who travels..

Male Audience Member #2: Hi, Lucy? [ pause ] Actually, it’s weird,because you and I actually have something in common.

Lucy Lawless: What’s that?

Male Audience Member #2: We’re both into chicks! [ turns aside tohigh-five Make Audience Member #1 ]

Lucy Lawless: Okay, you’re a little confused.. Like I said, Xenaisn’t necessarily “into chicks”. Uh.. just because a charactermight be gay dosn’t mean the actor is..

Female Audience Member #1: [ interrupting ] Hey, Lucy? I think you’rereally great.

Lucy Lawless: [ smiles ] Thank you!

Female Audience Member #1: How about after the show you and me gograb a beer and shoot some pool?

Lucy Lawless: [ mildly annoyed ] I’m afraid I can’t. Thanks, though.Uh.. does anyone have a question that isn’t about Xena’s sexualpreference? Yes, Sir?

Female Audience Member #2: It’s “Ma’am”. [ pause ] When Draco had toclose the porthole to the alternative Xenaverse.. – how’d you do that?

Lucy Lawless: Well actually we used computer generated imagery tocreate the porthole door. Does that answer your question?

Female Audience Member #2: [ points her finger back and forth betweenherself and Lucy ] Are you feeling it?

Lucy Lawless: [ changes subject ] Okay, we’ve got a great showtonight. Elliot Smith is here! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3

98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

Terrance Maddox

Terrance Maddox…..Will Ferrell
Teacher…..Lucy Lawless
Guy #1…..Tim Meadows
Woman # 1…..Cheri Oteri
Woman #2…..Ana Gasteyer

(opens to Morris County Community College)

Teacher: All right class now tonight we are going to work with the most demanding subject there is for sculpters. The human body. Unfortuanately the model I use couldn’t make it, but I do have a replacement – his name is Terrance Maddox, Terrance come on down.

(Terrance Maddox walks wearing a robe)

Teacher: Whenever you’re ready Mr. Maddox.

(Maddox takes off the robe)

Terrance Maddox: Alright! Let’s start the bidding at $100 shall we. 100, 100, 100. Ooh 1000 going once, going twice, sold to the gentleman in the front row for 100 million dollars.

Guy #1: Eugh!

Teacher: Mr. Maddox!

Terrance Maddox: I think I’ve made my point.

Teacher: Now! Mr. Maddox, We are studying Roman-Greek sculptures so we are hoping to get you into a classical pose.

Terrance Maddox: Hey Ladies, it’s your money you can do whatever you want.

Teacher: Strike a pose Mr. Maddox.

Terrance Maddox: Allright! I’ve got two poses to choose from – The Thinker and The Stinker. (Terrance Maddox bends over)

Teacher: Please! Mr. Maddox these students are going to be tested.

Terrance Maddox: That’s cool! I just took a test this morning.

Teacher: Wonderful!

Terrance Maddox: Yeah at the free clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass too. I got an A, two B’s, and a C.

Woman #1: Oh my God!

Terrance Maddox: But don’t tell the sixth street blood bank! Wink! Hey how’s this for a short story. A guy can’t sell his blood cause he’s got hepatitis, but he can’t afford hepatitis medicine unless he sells his blood. So he poses nude in art classes. Plus one time he did it with a dead guy.

Teacher: Alright! Alright! Let’s just get through this. I want you to study Mr. Maddox, as unpleasant as that may seem. Take him in, search his body with your eyes.

Woman #2: Oh my God!

Guy #1: Oh look at that. Oh.

Woman #1: Oh my gosh.

Terrance Maddox: Oh Oh.. Mighty Kong has woken from his slumber. It looks like it’s time for a POP quiz. But apparently I’m grading on a curve.

Guy #1: I can’t take this.

Terrance Maddox: But if life hands you lemons you might as well make lemonade. And I’ve been waiting to make lemonade all day.

Teacher: Alright! that is it this is to disgusting. Mr. Maddox I want you to get your things and get out.

(Terrance Maddox starts crying and coughing)

Teacher: Mr. Maddox! Please stop! I have to do something. I’m very sorry, but you’ll have to go.

Terrance Maddox: I know when I’m not wanted. But before I go I’ve got something to say to you people. You talk about ancient beauty and life forms, but if you asked me you wouldn’t know real beauty if it was outside in the parking lot waiting to give you hepatitis. Which it will be ten minutes from now. Good day to you.

(Maddox exits the classroom)

(Carly Simon’s “Nobody Does It Better” pplays over various sculptures the students made of Terrance, up to poses of him crying)

Terrance Maddox: (winks at camera and touches his eyelid) Wink!

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3

98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

Judge Judy

Judge Judy/Herself…..Cheri Oteri
Burt the Bailiff…..Tracy Morgan
Ms. Diamond…..Lucy Lawless
Ms. Gilliard…..Ana Gasteyer
The Real Judge Judy…..Judge Judith Sheindlin

Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheinlin.The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This isher courtroom. This is Judge Judy.

Burt the Bailiff: Order! All rise

Announcer: Professional children’s clown Rashael Diamond is suing JoyceGilliard for the amount of $300 for services rendered at her son’s birthdayparty.

Burt the Bailiff: Be seated! Your honor, this is case number 178, Gilliard vs.Diamond. The parties have been sworn in.

Judge Judy: Did you see the game tonight, Burt?

Burt the Bailiff: Looks like the Yankees gonna put the Padres to bed, judge.

Judge Judy: Well, you better hope they win World Series cause I got yourpaycheck riding on it.

Burt the Bailiff: [ laughs ]

Judge Judy: I’m serious. Ok. I’m Judge Judy and I’m tough.

Burt the Bailiff: She’s judicious.

Judge Judy: But I’m all woman.

Burt the Bailiff: She’s delicious.

Judge Judy: Ok, let’s see what you have here. Ms. Gilliard why don’t youtell me what happened at your son’s birthday party.

Ms. Gilliard: Well your honor, this woman claims to be a professionalclown. She came to my son Richard’s birthday party and proceeded to carryon like Madonna at a frat house.

Ms. Diamond: Excuse me. I was paid to entertain the kids. We danced,played games, ate cake. No one got hurt. End of story.

Judge Judy: Hey, I got a story for you. It’s called the day I killed thewhore clown. Zip it. Continue madam [ to Ms. Gilliard ].

Ms. Gilliard: Well, first of all, your honor, my sweet little boy willnever be the same after playing her version of pin the tail on the donkey.

Ms. Diamond: No big deal. I couldn’t find a damn donkey so I had the kidsput tails on my butt. An ass is an ass, am I right?

Judge Judy: [ to Ms. Diamond ] Hey, look at me. Look at me. Ok. I’ll takea pig to the butcher when I want to eat baloney. Ok? Got it? You got it?

Burt the Bailiff: Hot judge, cold cuts.

Judge Judy: Ok, now Ms. Diamond, what sort of training do you have as aclown? What’s your background.

Ms. Diamond: I never took no courses, but my mother really encouraged me.Whenever the circus came to town she would drop me off and leave me fordays.

Ms. Gilliard: Hmmm… is that where your mother uh taught you how to makethose disgusting animal balloons?

Ms. Diamond: No, they are my own design, tight-ass.

Judge Judy: Hey! Hey! I’m the only tight ass in this courtroom. Righthere. The only tight ass. All right, Ms. Diamond, let’s see some of thesedesigns.

Ms. Diamond: Oh fine! [ puts an animal balloon on her head which looks likea penis and balls ] Look your honor! I’m an elephant. I never forget. Inever forget. I never forget [ to Ms. Gilliard ].

Ms. Gilliard: You should see her petting zoo.

Ms. Diamond: And you should be in it you big fat cow.

Ms. Gilliard: I am big boned! Did you hear that your honor?

Judge Judy: Ok, listen mighty mouth. I got a foot long clown shoe withyour name on it. Right here. Ok? Understood?

Ms. Diamond: Sorry.

Judge Judy: [ yelling ] Hey understood, head of wood?

Ms. Diamond: Your honor, all that I ask is an opportunity to demonstrate mygift.

Judge Judy: Ok, Clarabelle. I got this thin a patience [ motions withfingers ]. Quick. Let’s see some clowning.

Ms. Diamond: Ok your honor! Hey, the kids really love me. [ puts on clownhair and a red nose, turns on music, gets a honky horn, and begins dancingprovocatively near Bailiff Burt while honking the horn ]

Burt the Bailiff: Hahahaha! Yeaaaahh!! Hahaha! Judge, she’s hilarious!Yeaaahh!

Judge Judy: [ slamming her hand down on her desk ] Burt!

Burt the Bailiff: That ain’t funny.

Judge Judy: Ok that’s it. I don’t know whether, I don’t know whether toclap or put a dollar in her panties. The show’s over. Show’s over. I’mready to rule.

[ The Real Judge Judy enters the courtroom ]

The Real Judge Judy: That’s it. I’ve seen enough, Cheri. Get up.

Cheri Oteri: I, but I, but I, I..

The Real Judge Judy: [ putting a hand on Cheri’s shoulder ] Get your bony assout of my chair. Get up. [ Cheri moves and the real Judge Judy sits down ]Watch and listen. Get your bony ass out of my chair, baby.

Cheri Oteri: Okay..

The Real Judge Judy: Good girl. Now watch and listen cause I’m ready torule.

Cheri Oteri: Okay.

Burt the Bailiff: The real deal is ready to rule.

The Real Judge Judy: Now I’ve come across a lot of numbnuts in my day, butMs. Gilliard [ rolls eyes ] you are right up there.

Cheri Oteri: She up there, there, she’s..

The Real Judge Judy: Not now, Cheri. Not now. Ms. Diamond here has anentrepreneurial spirit, she has a devotion of craft. And a wonderful wayof children. She may have a little trouble getting the first olive out ofthe jar, but her fierce determination, her beauty, and great legs, remindme of myself when I was just starting out.

Ms. Gilliard: This is ludicrous.

The Real Judge Judy: Hey! but, but, but, but, but, but-

Cheri Oteri: Hey but, but, but, but, but, but, but! Got your back.

The Real Judge Judy: [ to Cheri ] Now you got it. Now you got it. [ to Ms.Gilliard ] You keep your trap shut and get a life. You know you weregetting this woman what she was as soon as she walked in to the door.

Ms. Gilliard: She was wearing a coat, your honor!

The Real Judge Judy: Listen, don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.Court rules in favor of the plaintiff. Now Cheri, let’s go talk aboutthose eyebrows.

Cheri Oteri: It wasn’t my idea, I swear. It was the makeupdepartment’s idea.

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Christine

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3

98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

Goodnights

…..Lucy Lawless

Lucy Lawless: Thanks to my friend, Elliot Smith. The inimitable Judge Judy Sheindlin! And Chucky!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3

98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

Stevie Nicks’ Fajita Round-Up

Stevie Nicks…..Lucy Lawless

Stevie Nicks: Hello, I’m Stevie Nicks. Do you like the music of my band, Fleetwood Mac? And do you like fajitas, flautas, quesadillas, and other Tex-Mex specialties? Then come on down to my new restaurant in Sedona, Arizona – Stevie Nicks’ Fajita Roundup. In the seventies, I dedicated myself to witchcraft, Lindsay Buckingham, and cocaine. But now I use that same energy and dedication to bring you an affordable dining experience you’ll never forget.

[ sings to the tune of “Rhiannon” ]
“Chicken fajitas taste real fine,
wouldn’t you love to eat them?
My chips and salsa are mighty fine,
no one round here can beat ’em.”

In my restaurant, I’ll be singing some of the classic songs that made me famous, while serving up some of the finest Tex-Mex food in the Southwest – like the house specialty, “Burrito Dream”.

[ sings to the tune of “Dreams” ]
“Now, there you go again, you say you want burritos.
I sure hope that you can keep ’em down.
It’s only a flour tortilla, used to wrap around your meat now.
Have you any beans you’d like to share with the loneliness?”

When Mick Fleetwood and I started performing back in 1974, we had a vision that one day our music would be heard around the world.. while people are eating Mexican food in a restaurant.

[ sings to the tune of “The Chain” ]
“Rock on beef tostada,
take your silver spoon full of beans and rice..”

So, the next time you’re craving a little Stevie Nicks’ music, or a vegetable burrito, don’t forget there’s a special place for people just like you.

[ sings to the tune of “Landslide ]
“You placed an order, I wrote it down.
Three enchiladas, the best in town.
Then I saw my reflection in a big pile of nachos.
Until a landslide brought it down.”

Announcer: Stevie Nicks’ Fajita Roundup. Off Interstate 17, just two hours north of Phoenix. Every Tuesday, burrito specials just $2.99.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3

98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas

Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan
Sally Desk……Lucy Lawless
Senor Guadalupe Ramirez……Horatio Sanz
Guitarrists……Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell

[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up “The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas.” Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]

Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio, y Banderas. I am [whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes….Show. Now say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.

[band plays some notes]

Guadalupe: Hello, my frie-e-end!

[band plays two notes]

Antonio: You…you are so the sexy.

Guadalupe: No-o, no-o. You…YOU ARE THE SE-EXY, MY FRIEND, YES!

Antonio: [laughs] This is true….Now ladies and men of the gentles, don’t hold your breast. Our gruest tonight es a lady. She has written a brook about the [shows the book] Lyme disease. It is called The Perils of Lyme Disease. [puts down the book] I adore [shows a lime] the lime….Please give it up good for the Miss Sally Desk.

[The band plays more upbeat music. Cheers and applause as Sally enters. Antonio kisses her hand.]

Sally Desk: Thank you, Antonio.

[Antonio and Sally sit down; the music stops.]

Antonio: No, thank you for inventing the lime….It’s very sexy…with a cold [shows a bottle of Dos Equis beer] Dos Equis.

Guadalupe: Two Xs, yes! [Antonio laughs]

Sally: No, no, I think you’re a little confused. Not limes, Lyme disease.

Antonio: [laughs] Enough. Now please, [band begins playing soft music] listen to me. I am Antonio…a Banderas. [whispers] I am actor! I was in the Zorro.

Guadalupe: Very, se-exy, yes!

Antonio: Almost too sexy. [music stops] Now Sal-ly, how can I help my sexy friend the lime from this terrible disease?

Sally: Oh, [chuckles] it’s like I said before: not limes, Lyme disease. People usually get it from deer ticks. It can cause tiredness, achy joints, vomiting…

Guadalupe: Vomiting, ye-es! Very sexy, my frie-end, yes!

Antonio: It is a little sexy, yes, vomiting. Now, can I tell you one something somethings? Limes are tasty in margaritas. They are like you. Like they were filled with the puss.

Sally: [confused] What?

Guadalupe: Filled with the puss. VER-Y-Y-Y SE-EXY, YES!

Sally: Filled with the puss?!

Antonio: Yes. The puss. Also now, I think I remember this. [soft music resumes] Very seriousness. I was in the Philadelphia with the Tom Hanks as the gay. [music stops]…It is very hot in here, no?

Guadalupe: Oh-h-h, yes it is. A little hot, yes!

Antonio: Well, maybe I – [stands up] I should, uh, do something about this…

Guadalupe: Oh, no-o.

Antonio: …no?

Guadalupe: Too sexy, please, don’t do it! NO, MY FRIEND, TOO SEXY!

Antonio: But I must!

[The band plays fast music while Antonio sways sensually and undoes a button on his shirt. The music stops when Antonio finishes undoing the button.]

Guadalupe: [while music is playing] NOOOO! TOO SEXY! NO, PLEASE STOP IT! BE COOL! OH NO, MY FRIEND, TOO SEXY!

Antonio: Okay, very nice. Now I’m all right. Maybe one more for the [band plays a few fast notes] kids? No, I will not do this. [sits down]

Now…what here is this? [points to Sally’s breasts] They call them something, I know. There is [points to Sally’s left breast] this one, and ooh! [points to Sally’s right breast] Look here, man! There’s another! They are like the sexy things. Sometimes they move and they say hello. But, they’re also know how to be quiet….Very sexy.

Sally: You mean my breast?

Antonio: [laughs] Yes. The bread.

Sally: Look, I made a…huge mistake in coming here. [reaches for her book and starts to get up]

Antonio: Shhhhh…[touches Sally’s lip] shh-poo-poo!…It is hot in here, yes?

Sally: No!

Antonio: I think I must [stands up] do something about the heat, uh…

Guadalupe: [under Antonio’s last line] No-o, no, no, no!

Antonio: …all of a sudden, it…

Guadalupe: [over Antonio’s last line] No, no, friend, no!

Antonio: No, I must…

Guadalupe: No, please!

Antonio: [whispers] But I must!

Guadalupe: Don’t! It’s too sexy, my friend!

Antonio: I must.

Guadalupe: Please, noooo! [band plays fast music while Antonio undoes the next button on his shirt, sways sensually, and rubs his chest] NO, MY GOD! TOO SEXY! NOT AGAIN! HERE IT COMES! TOO SEXY, YA! YA! YA! OH, NO! [music stops]

Antonio: Okay. [grabs his zipper] How about my little friend to [band resumes fast music] come out?

Guadalupe: NO, NO, NOT THE LITTLE FRIEND!

Antonio: [before Guadalupe finishes pleading] Oh, all right, [music stops] I will not do this, then! [sits down] All right. Now…very serious, now. Let’s not laugh. No more funny.

Well, where we were, what, where, who, what happened?

Sally: [before Antonio finishes talking] I don’t know.

Antonio: What did you say?

Sally: I don’t know.

Antonio: It was like a sexy thing!…This I rike.

Sally: Rike?! You’re Spanish, not Chinese!

Antonio: This is true. But I am so the sex. But it is hot again! Why is this happening? [stands up] Is there a problem with the temperature in the studio?

Guadalupe: [starts just before Antonio stands up] Oh, no. Oh-h, my God, no, please! No, my friend, please! It is TOO sexy this time! [chuckles]

Antonio: But I must! [band plays loud, fast music while he begins taking off his shirt]

Guadalupe: OH, NO!

Antonio: Now! You watch! [Sally becomes disgusted] Watch me do the holy dance!

[As soon as his shirt is off, Antonio does a flamenco dance on the couch while clapping his hands. Sally grabs her book and runs away.]

Guadalupe: [during Antonio’s display] PLEASE, MY LITTLE FRIEND! TOO SEXY-Y! STOP IT! STOP IT! [cries for him to stop] TOO SEXY, YAAAA!

[Antonio sits back down after Sally is gone. The music becomes soft as Antonio sits down.]

Antonio: She will be back….For she is like the place for putting in my thing….You know what I’m saying. Well, we will see you next time on…how do you say? Ah yes….Show.

[The music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table. Fade up title. Antonio grabs a rose.]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Christine and Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 17th, 1998

Lucy Lawless

Elliot Smith

None

Tina Fey

Paula Pell

Judge Judy Sheindlin
NBC News Special ReportSummary: Arrogant Republicans Henry Hyde (Will Ferrell), Jesse Helms (Darrell Hammond) and Mary Bono (Cheri Oteri) vex America and falunt their inpenetrability.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Henry Hyde, Jesse Helms.

Transcript

Montage

Lucy Lawless’ MonologueSummary: Audience members think Lucy Lawless and “Xena: Warrior Princess” are lesbians.

Transcript

Shirt In A CanSummary: Another stained shirt. Dammit! A can of spray paint will solve your wardrobe problems.

Judge JudySummary: Judge Judy (Cheri Oteri) hears the case of a stripper clown (Lucy Lawless) before the real Judy Sheindlin interrupts the proceedings.

Recurring Characters: Judge Judy, Burt.

Transcript

The History of Presidential Scandal ISummary: Andrew Johnson slept with a bird.

Transcript

MSNBC: White House In CrisisSummary: Female MSNBC reporters treat the Clinton scandal with a slumber party mentality.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary:Despite their animosity toward one another, Howard Stern and “Saturday Night Live” are a ratings success when bred together in Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio” segment.

Stevie Nicks’ Fajita RoundupSummary: Stevie Nicks (Lucy Lawless) sings fajita-themed parodies of her popular songs to promote her new restaurant.

Transcript

The How Do You Say, Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Sexy Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan) chats with the author of a book on Lyme Disease (Lucy Lawless).

Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas.

Transcript

The History of Presidential Scandal IISummary: Lyndon B. Johnson’s whores had a special nickname for him.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Colin Quinn is nearly stabbed twice by Chucky the murderous doll, who pretends to deliver serious commentaries on the Clinton scandal and the World Series.

Transcript

Elliot Smith performs “Waltz #2”

BiographySummary: Drunken Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) narrates a biography on the life of Puff Daddy (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Puff Daddy.

Terrance MaddoxSummary: .

Recurring Characters: Terrance Maddox.

Transcript

Goth TalkSummary: .

Recurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss.

The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) sing a medley at the World Series.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Tropical Storm Georges … Kelsey Grammer

Colin Quinn: [in brown suit, standing before WUsodium screen where newspaper graphics and WU iconsfloat in and out of view pointlessly] Ooh! The bigstory this week: more documents released in theClinton and Lewinsky scandal. Actually, that is NOTthe big story this week. It’s just the story thatpeople talk about because the real stories are toofrightening. The story should be about the imminentcollapse of the global economy. Russia and Brazil arebroke. They wanna borrow money. The IMF says thatJapan will have its worst recession since World WarII.

And now, this week, our administration makes a bigannouncement that we have a seventy billion dollarsurplus. Why is that in the news? They should shut up.We shouldn’t be talking about our surplus when allthese countries are tapped out. You know how when yourfriend wants to borrow money and you have to pleadpoverty? … Our country should be like, “Nah, man,I’m broke, too. Yeah. … Ah, I gotta pay for thosehurricanes. You know, why don’t you ask Germany? Iheard they just got a new Chancellor. Ask India, theyjust did nuclear testing, you know? Ask Canada, theydon’t have anything fun to do with their money. Itjust sits there, you know?”

But it’s scary talking about a real problem so,instead, we talk about the White House soap opera,squeeze every last stupid irrelevant detail out of thebig sex scandal. “What was she wearing? — ooooh!” Ourcountry’s a bunch of junior high school kids passingnotes to each other right now. “Ooh, he likes EleanorMondale! Ewwww!” You know, following politics used tomean knowing which congressman voted for Farm Aid.Now, it means knowing what color the thong was, allright? Although, I will be the first to admit ifEleanor Mondale gets in the mix in this, I will find arenewed interest in this case, all right? She’s gonnabring new life to this like when Alyssa Milano joined”Melrose Place,” all right?

[Music, dissolve to WU montage]

Announcer V/O: And now, from the news capitalof the world, it’s Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.

[GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN QUINN – Dissolveto Colin at WU desk. Cheers and applause.]

Colin Quinn: Oh, my God! Oh, folks, no! Thankyou. Hi, I’m Colin Quinn.

Linda Tripp took a lie-detector test this week todetermine whether she tampered with a tapedconversation she had with Monica Lewinsky. The testsshowed that every answer she gave was truthful, exceptone: “200 pounds.” … Ah, all right.

Kenneth Starr — some people are still calling thisguy, by the way, the “Whitewater special prosecutor”– Kenneth Starr. Hey, when’s the last time you heardthis guy talk about the Whitewater Scandal? Isn’t thiskind of like saying “Heisman Trophy winner O.J.Simpson”? … [delayed applause] Thanks, folks. Came alittle late.

Another former White House intern was arrested in NewYork for stalking George Stephanopoulos. The judgetold the woman, “Hey, go pick on somebody your ownsize.” …

Upon his retirement, former White House PressSecretary Mike McCurry received a call from SenatorKennedy congratulating him on his seventy home runs…. [some applause]

U.S. officials and experts say that Iraq is close tobuilding a nuclear weapon. Translation: The U.S. willsoon be bombing the crap out of Iraq. … That’s whatit means.

Last week, Iran announced that it was dropping thedeath sentence on Salman Rushdie. Then, this week,they announced that the death sentence still stood.Rushdie’s reaction will be seen on Iran’s hit show”Fundamentalists Bloopers and Practical Jokes.” …[some applause]

In Washington, Benjamin Netanyahu and Yasser Arafatagreed to go ahead with peace talks that could occuras soon as mid-October. When these two guys gettogether they have disagreements. But one thing theyall agree on – is that the room smells a little funky….

While Hurricane Georges has been downgraded to a”tropical storm,” it has already set records as thelongest, rainiest storm of the season. In a dramaticdevelopment, Weekend Update has captured the followingsatellite images of Tropical Storm Georges.

[Cut to Georges, a sophisticated French gentlemancomplete with slicked back hair, mustache, ascot, apurple robe, champagne glass, cigarette and holder. Hesits on a yellow sofa with a poodle as noisy windblows and huge storm clouds race by in the background.SUPER: LIVE / VIA SATELLITE — 2ND SUPER: TropicalStorm Georges]

Tropical Storm Georges: [thick French accent]Ah, bonsoir, mes amis! I am Tropical Storm Georges…. The most beautiful and sensuous of all the severeweather systems. My actual birth name is Jean FrancoisGeorges Le Grand. But the stupid National WeatherService shortened it to “Georges.” They have no class.They are just jealous. The Weather Service is nothingto me, I spit on them. [spits] You see, that justcaused a flash flood in Mississippi [pronounced “Massa sappy”]. Like I was saying, when Georges decides toinvade an American city, it’s not just a storm — itis art. Every power failure I cause is like the strokeof a brush on a canvas. Every time– Every telephonepole I overturn is like a fresh dish of coq auvin — with a petit side of camembert.Every airport I close is like making passionate loveto a woman named Dominique. You stupidAmericains with your lust for money, your festfood and your Brian Benben. [shakes his head withdisgust] Ha ha! … How I long to destroy you. Aurevoir, Colin!

[Cut back to Colin at the desk.]

Colin Quinn: Ah, that was Tropical StormGeorges … [applause] confirming many of our worststereotypes of the French. Tropical Storm Georges,everyone, urrgghh!

Last week, “Rush Hour,” starring Jackie Chan and ChrisTucker, was the number one movie at the box officeagain, making it the most lucrative Black-Asiancombination since Tiger Woods. … [applause]

In an attempt – an attempt to bring Gen X-ers tobowling, AMF Bowling Centers has hired Michael Jordanto hype the sport. They hope Mike can do for bowlingwhat he did for baseball. …

Paul McCartney served as chauffeur when his daughter,Mary, got married this past weekend. Paul stated,”Ringo wasn’t available. He was busy workin’ a prom.”…

Some more bad economic news: the Gillette company hasannounced that they’re going to cut forty-sevenhundred employees. Here’s how it will work: [dissolveto animated footage from an old Gillette commercial ofrazor blades cutting a hair off a man’s face] Thefirst blade cuts the most recent hires … [firstblade cuts the hair – “300”] The second blade cutsanyone nearing their pension … [second blade cutsthe hair – “4399”] And the third blade cuts the guywho tagged out the boss at the company softball game…. [third blade cuts the hair completely – “1” -Dissolve back to Colin at the desk.]

[Photo of John Gotti, Jr.] John “Junior” Gotti wasreleased on ten million dollars bail to house arrestin his Long Island home this week. He’s required towear an electronic ankle bracelet, which most peopleagree is the most tasteful piece of jewelry he’s everworn. …

I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ toit. Buh-bye..

[Colin waves. Cheers, applause, music. Pull back andfade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts