SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 2nd, 1998

Kelsey Grammer

Sheryl Crow

Shaquille O’Neal

Dennis McNicholas

Hal Linden

Christine Baranski

Patti Lupone Bedtime at the White HouseSummary: In the days following the release of the Starr Report, a fuming Hillary Clinton (Ana Gasteyer) ignores Bill (Darrell Hammond) in the bedroom.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Kelsey Grammer’s MonologueSummary: Kelsey Grammer sings rejected versions of the “Frasier” theme song.

Also Hosted: 93q.

KCF ShreddersSummary: A teenager (Jimmy Fallon) touts the hip lettuce snacker for his generation.

Transcript

Delicious DishSummary: Wilderness fanatic Graham Stansler (Kelsey Grammer) relates his story of nature and cannibalism.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

Terry Ferguson For Senate ISummary: Candidate Terry Ferguson (Will Ferrell) will avoid sex scandals, because he’s lost his genitals in a fire.

Transcript

BernardSummary: When he comes home too late, tall Bernard (Shaquille O’Neal) gets a whipping from his short yet aggressive Dad (Tracy Morgan).

Transcript

Terry Ferguson For Senate IISummary: Candidate Terry Ferguson (Will Ferrell) is no Washington insider, but he has lost his genitals in a fire.

Transcript

Private EyeSummary: A film noir private eye (Kelsey Grammer) is obsessed with thoughts of burritos.

Transcript

Hose ’em Down!Summary: The new director (Kelsey Gramer) of “Baywatch” elicits emotions from actresses before spraying them with hoses.

The Best of Horatio SanzSummary: Compilation tape for one of SNL’s newest performers includes moments from his first two episodes, plus Dan Aykroyd sketches as filler.

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Tropical Storm Georges (Kelsey Grammer) relates his disgust with the National Weather Service.

Transcript

Sheryl Crow performs “My Favorite Mistake”Also Performed: 96b.

Mr. PeepersSummary: Socialogist (Kelsey Grammer) proves that Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) really is an animal.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

MaakiesSummary: In a cartoon by Tony Millionaire, surgery allows a sliced rat to become a ship’s mermaid.

Morning LatteSummary: Cass van Rye (Cheri Oteri) and Tom Wilkins (Will Ferrell) interview Shaquille O’Neal while inappropriately bringing up the new producer’s (Chris Kattan) recent sexual harrassment lawsuit.

Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Hello DollySummary: The extreme cuteness of the dolls spawn the inner psyches of Deanna Nolen-Gray (Ana Gasteyer) and her co-host Don Simkin (Kelsey Grammer).

Recurring Characters: Deanna Nolen-Gray.

ESPN2 Lumberjack ClassicSummary: A lumberjack (Will Ferrell) thanks Jesus Christ for helping him win the competition while snubbing his competitors.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Shaq’s LullabySummary: Shaquille O’Neal comforts Will Ferrell after other cast members and Lorne Michaels tease him.

Note: This sketch appears as a bonus feature on the Best of Will Ferrell DVD.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Dominican Lou…..Tracy Morgan

*NOTE: The very beginning of Colin Quinn’s opening is not transcribed here. If you have the opening words of this script, please submit them.

[Fade up to Colin Quinn standing in front of a blue screen. Colin is standing on the left side of the screen. Video of President Bill Clinton’s sex scandal testimony is on the right side. “Weekend Update” logos are scrolling down behind the Clinton footage.]

Colin Quinn: …It’s in the very pores of my skin. They’ve interviewed every DNA expert, every psychologist, every dry cleaner. We’ve heard how the Europeans are reacting, how the people of Arkansas feel, how Wall Street is being affected. You got media experts talking about other media experts, headlines about headlines, you can’t say the word “cigar” without everybody laughing in your face.

You can’t judge great men on their infidelities, you just can’t! They all fooled around, and they all lied about it! The Founding Fathers: Thomas Jefferson slept with his slaves, John Hancock sounds like a porno star, George Washington died of syphilis–this is the man who, by the way, I – we were taught in school, never told a lie. I – I don’t know too many people that died of the clap that didn’t have a few fabrications pass between their lips, I’m sorry. I mean, he got the bill from Dr. Benjamin Franklin, “Oh no, Martha, these are wooden teeth, I think,” you know?

Hey, how would you like your last sexual encounter in a book? It’s embarrassing when people see some of your behavior you never thought would be brought to light. Like Tom Hanks when “Bosom Buddies” comes on. All right?

We’re being devoured by this story, folks. This story owns us! This story will eventually destroy us! We will all be left like Monica herself: on our knees, asking Betty Currie for a glass of water and a Tic Tac.

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Aah! I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you. All right! Thank you. Let’s take a look at some of his testimony:

[cut to video from Clinton’s testimony]

Bill Clinton: …depends upon what the meaning of the word “is” is….If the – if he– If “is” means “is, and never has been,” that is not…that’s one thing. If it means “there is none”…that was a completely true statement.

[cut to Colin]

Colin: Yeah. The Leader of the Free World, a Rhodes Scholar, but the minute he’s under questioning, he turns into Vinny Barbarino. Huh? [imitating Vinny Barbarino] “What – where is…what is…what…Mr. Kotter?”

[cut to Clinton video]

Judge: The grand jury would like to know, Mr. President, why it is that you think oral sex performed on you does not fall within the definition of “sexual relations,” as used in your deposition.

President Clinton: Because…that is…if the deponent is the person who has oral sex performed on him, then the contact is with…not with anything on that list, but with the lips of another person.

[cut to Colin]

Colin: You gotta give it to him, he’s got brass ones….”Honey, I wasn’t with an intern, I was with a deponent!”

[cut to Clinton video]

Bill: She’s basically a good girl. She’s a good young woman with a good heart and a good mind…

[cut to Colin]

Colin: See, he’s trying to be nice. That’s what guys always say about the fat girl. Come on! Am I lying? All right.

This week, the new Miss America, 24-year-old Nicole Johnson, stated publicly, “The President should resign.” Thank you, Nicole! I’m sure everyone can’t wait to hear the rest of your opinions at the next boat show!…Nap? [one woman cheers]

The popular ’70s band KISS is planning to reunite for a concert at Dodger Stadium. They will be giving away the KISSmobile, a car equipped with KISS floormats, embroidered seat inserts, and KISS hubcaps. This car is going to be worth a lot of money 20 years ago.

Chinese computer hackers have broken into the military’s computer system and shut down a satellite. Such an act could only be the work of a mathematical genius. Chinese authorities investigating the case have narrowed it down to 600 million suspects.

Billy Crystal’s My Giant was released on video for the first time this week at a price of a hundred dollars. Though the cost may seem high, the money will go to reimburse people who paid to see it in the theater.

[photo of the new $20 bill] Starting this week, the Federal Reserve will release a re-designed version of the 20-dollar bill. The new bill will have new security features such as a visible watermark, security thread, and color-shifting ink, which will make it impossible to counterfeit….I don’t know, our graphics department [jerks his thumb at the photo] didn’t seem to have much trouble.

Scientists have discovered a new site where the coelacanth fish lives, a species that was thought to have been extinct for 90 million years. Scientists say this fish could provide valuable information on evolution, and that it is best prepared broiled with butter and garlic.

Joan Kroc, the widow of Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonald’s, donated 80 million dollars to the Salvation Army. So now, if they ask you for any money this Christmas, tell ’em to go to Hell….[mercy applause and cheers] That’s okay, folks. [chuckles]

And now, here with analysis of the home run chase is the building super at 1901 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our very own Dominican Lou!

[pan over to Dominican Lou, who is wearing a Chicago Cubs jersey and has a baseball in his hand]

Dominican Lou: Gracias. Gracias! Sammy! Sammy Sosa! Okay! Sammy Sosa, who is Dominican like me, is hitting the home runs a lot, and I am so proud o’ he! I’m proud o’ he! The Dominican people love he, they love he for what he do, I love he, I so proud o’ he! I’m proud of he–the pride of the greatest sport of all time, the baseball!

Colin: I understand you have something special for us, Lou.

Dominican Lou: Well, Colin, you remember the game where Sosa hit the 62 run? He break-a the record? Well…look at this! [holds up the ball]

Colin: Wow!

Dominican Lou: I have the ball from that game! I come onto you show to sell it for one million dollars!

Colin: That’s amazing! You caught Sosa’s 62nd home run?

Dominican Lou: No. It is not Sosa’s ball. But in the game, you remember? In the third inning? Gary Gaetti, he hit the foul ball into the stands? I caught that ball! I sell it for one million dollars!

Colin: Lou, you can’t sell Gary Gaetti’s ball. Nobody wants Gary Gaetti’s ball!

Dominican Lou: I sell you the ball, Colin. One million dollars. Come on, bro! You got the money, you on TV. One million dollars, bro.

Colin: Lou–

Dominican Lou: Come on!

Colin: I don’t want the ball, Lou.

Dominican Lou: Look, it’s a nice ball. It’s autographed. [holds out the ball]

Colin: [takes the ball and examines it] Hey, this says “Dominican Lou.”

Dominican Lou: I sign it! You buy it for one million dollars!

Colin: Lou, I’m not gonna buy Gary Gaetti’s ball!

Dominican Lou: Okay, okay. Can I say one more thing about the Sosa?

Colin: Okay, go ahead.

Dominican Lou: Colin Quinn, you are a cheap bastard!

Colin: Dominican Lou, everybody! [puts the ball on the desk]

Dominican Lou: You too cheap for that ball! [picks the ball back up]

Colin: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

[Colin and Dominican Lou talk more about the ball]

[fade to black]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Celeste…..Cameron Diaz
Georg Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Yortuk Festrunk…..Steve Martin
…..Billy Corrigan
…..Smashing Pumpkins

[Open to outside of the Moomba Club]

[Cut to the indide of the Moomba Club, where Celeste and 2 other guys enter in]

Celeste: Hello, Smashing Pumpkins.

Billy: Celeste. Did you get my messages?

Celeste: Only all 12 of them…

Billy: You wanna dance?

Celeste: Hey, who are the new guys?

[Cut to the bar, where Steve and Doug are bopping their heads with wine bottles in their mouths, to “What is Love” by Haddaway]

Doug Butabi: Hey! You wanna dance? [He steps foward, does some dance moves, and then gets back to the bar] You do? You dont? You’re deaf? No, you’re not deaf at all! Okay, sorry about that.

Steve Butabi: [He steps foward] You wanna dance? No? You’re a Mennonite and your elders forbid it? Okay. Cool. Right! [He steps back]

[Celeste has a cigarette in her mouth, and does a hand motion, asking the Guys for a lighter]

Doug Butabi: Me? Him? Me? Him?

Steve Butabi: Him? No? Me? Him? [He manages to get a lighter out of his poket, but Doug jumps in for it, and he throws it into the bar, and it lights on fire.]

[The barman gets a extinguisher and extinguishes the fire, and sprays water everywhere, even on Doug and Steve’s suits, which leave some white marks]

Steve Butabi: We’re good! We’re fine, thanks alot! Thanks alot.

[Celeste walks in between them]

Steve Butabi: Hey! Hey! [They bounce her around with their chests]

Celeste: [enjoying] Oh! [She whispers to the guys after they stop]

Doug & Steve: SCORE! VEERRY NICE! [They high-five]

[Cut to a Cadallac driving on a busy street]

[Cut to the inside of the Cadillac, where Doug, Celeste, and Steve are bopping their heads]

[Cut to the outside of an apartment building]

[Cut to the interior of the building. They are in a room, in which the Celeste enters and lays on a bed. The Guys come dancing in]

[“What is Love” stops. There is stereo and many CD’s on top of a table, and the Guys scramble to find a CD to play. Doug finds a CD, and Steve puts it in. “What is Love” place once again]

[Celeste does a finger motion for the Guys to join her in the bed]

Doug Butabi: Who? Me? Him?

Steve Butabi: Him? Me? Him?

Doug & Steve: BOTH!? SCORE!

[They go in the bed, and cover themsleves with a blanket. The lights go off after some bouncing around, and the bouncing keeps on going on until…]

Steve Butabi: OH!

Doug: OH!

[…the Guys find out that Celeste snuck out of bed, while they are left, uh.. boning each other]

[Cut to the outside of The Moomba Club]

[Cut to the interior, where Celeste sees the Smashing Pumpkins again]

Billy: Hey, how about that dance?

Celeste: Oh please, Billy! Hey! Who are the new guys!?

[Crowd clears, revealing the Festrunk Bros. dancing]

Georg Festrunk: [Thick accent] HELLO! [checking her out] Hello, young super FOX!

Yortuk Festrunk: [Very thick accent] We enjoy your big American breasts! You must be impressed at our tight pants, that increase our buldges!

Gerog Festrunk: Would you like to go surfing with us to the porngography sites!?

[The Roxbury Bros. enter]

Doug Butabi: What’s going on here!?

Steve Butabi: Why are you with her?

Yortuk Festrunk: Because we are….

Festrunk Bros.: Because, we are two WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

[They walk out with the girl]

Celeste: SCORE!

Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Oprah 2002

Thelma Weston…..Tracy Morgan
Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
Kenneth Starr…..Chris Parnell
Linda Tripp…..John Goodman
Tina Baxter…..Cameron Diaz

[ open on “Oprah 2002” graphic ]

[ dissolve to fat-suited Thelma Weston on set ]

Thelma Weston: Hello! Hello! Hello, and welcome to Oprah — the Opah show for January 11, 2002. Mmm — [ licking fingers ] This pork chop is on da money, baby! And now, here’s Oprahhhh!

[ slim Oprah Winfrey steps out ]

Oprah Winfrey: Well, thank you, Thelma! That, of course, my sidekick for the past three years — Thelma Weston. Hello, everybody, welcome to “Oprah”! Now, honey, I can’t believe that 2001 is already over. Can you?

[ audience reacts: “Noooo!!” ]

Oprah Winfrey: I know! But we have got some show for you all today, honey. Now, do you remember this from a few years ago? [ reading ] “I did not have improper relatinos with that woman.” [ audience reacts ] That’s right! It’s been almost FOUR years, but we’ve got the gang from the Monica Lewinsky scandal… here with us today!! [ audience cheers ] So… let’s bring them out!

So, you know him as the former President of the United States — WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON!! BIIIIILLLL!!!

[ a dapper, moustached Bill Clinton steps out, kisses Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: It’s good to see you.

Bill Clinton: Good to see you, baby!

Oprah Winfrey: And here’s Bill’s ex-wife — let’s hear it for MY GIRL, honey! The former First Lady — HILLARY RODHAM!! YEAHH!!!

[ a granny-dressed Hillary steps out, greets Oprah, sits ]

Hillary Clinton: [ to Bill ] Hey, you! Hey, you!

Oprah Winfrey: And what would the Clinton scandal be without… MONICA LEWINSKYYYYY!!

[ Monica steps out, exchanges embraces with Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: And this guy — this guy was always my favorite — Independent Counsel KENNETH STARRRRR!!

[ Starr steps out, mimics his authority for the crowd, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: And, finally, the woman without whom NONE of these people would be here — LINDA TRIPP, everybody!! LINDAAAA!!!

[ Linda waddles out, kisses Oprah, then sits ]

Oprah Winfrey: All right, everybody… all right, all right! Now — okay, now. It was four years ago — you guys were involved in a BIIIG scandal!

Bill Clinton: [ jovial ] Who, me? [ he laughs ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, you, Bill! Now, looking back on it, do you have any regrets?

Bill Clinton: [ he sighs ] I do, Oprah. I just wish I had gotten to know Ken a little. [ he wraps his arm around Starr ]

Linda Tripp: I… have… one regret, Oprah. [ she fights her emotions ]

Oprah Winfrey: Linda… come on, now. Come on. You have something that you want to say to Monica?

Linda Tripp: Yes, Oprah. [ tears ] Monica… I want to say… I am so sorry… that I said you looked fat in that blue dress.

Monica Lewinsky: Linda… that is so sweet. Now, you’re not recording this, are you?

[ they share the laugh ]

Oprah Winfrey: It’s so great to see you all laughing like this! This is strange. Do you ever get together, do you solcialize?

Bill Clinton: Well, you know, it’s so hard. I’m in L.A. working with DreamWorks… Hillary’s in Santa Fe —

Hillary Clinton: Doing my pottery thing! [ she sticks out her tongue ]

Bill Clinton: And we were all gonna get together in Aspen last Winter, but Linda couldn’t make it.

Linda Tripp: I had some out-patient surgery, unfortunately.

Monica Lewinsky: How are your feet?

Linda Tripp: The feet are good… they’re good.

Oprah Winfrey: Now, Kenneth, um — I understand that you’re not in D.C. any more?

Kenneth Starr: No, I’m actually in Toronto now, and I just couldn’t be happier! I realized that eveything I did back then wasn’t about the Clintons or obstruction of justice. I was in a baaaad marriage, and, uh… just not in a healthy place.

Oprah Winfrey: But, now you’re remarried?

Kenneth Starr: Yes — to Connie, a physical therapist. [ waves to the camera ] Hey, baby!

Oprah Winfrey: Now, Bill — Bill, what was the moment when you knew things were out of control?

Bill Clinton: [ clears his throat ] I, uh — I remember one time in the Oval Office… I was on the phone with Madeline Albright, eating pizza, chomping on a cigar, COKED out of my mind.

Monica Lewinsky: [ smiling ] I remember that night! I remember! [ she laughs ]

[ Bill’s eyebrows raise, his mind reeling back as he smiles ]

Bill Clinton: And, you know, I just thought: Hey! You know, I’m the President of the United States, this is nuts! You know, I’m gonna end up like Tupac.

Oprah Winfrey: No, but you didn’t stop there, did you?

Bill Clinton: No, I did not!

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, because you got in trouble again, after the, uh, the Lewinsky scandal. In fact, you had another affair in the Spring of 1999… with a paralegal who was working on your civil suit.

Bill Clinton: Right… right. Well, you know, THAT one made all the headlines. I guess I just have the magic touch! [ he bites his lip and holds up his thumb ]

Oprah Winfrey: [ laughing ] Well, let’s bring her out! SURPRISE!! TINA BAXTERRRRR!!!

[ Tina Baxter steps out and sits ]

Tina Baxter: You know, Oprah, I have to tell you how lucky I feel to have been a part of this scandal! These people here — these people did so much work!

Oprah Winfrey: You know what? You all are so GREAT together. I just want to know: Is there any chance you might team up again for, maybe, another scandal?

Linda Tripp: Weeeellll… we’re not allowed to say anything for sure… but we’ve been talking! [ mimes with her hand ]

Monica Lewinsky: Yes, it’s definitely a possibility.

Oprah Winfrey: Well, you’ve given us all so much already. Thank you for making history. The cast of the Clinton-Lewinsky Scandal! Let’s hear it, everybody, please!

[ they all stand, hold hands, and bow ]

Now… we’ll be back with MORE of this crazy gang — plus: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Oops! I Crapped My Pants

Ana…..Ana Gasteyer

[Open – porch of nice home, looking out on yard.]

[Two grandparents sit with grandchild, as parents approach in tennis uniforms]

Ana: Hey, Mom what do you say to a game of tennis?

Grandchild: Come on grandma, with you on our side, the boys don’t stand a chance!

Grandma: Okay, I’ll get my racket

[Grandma rises from site but changes her mind, looking concerned]

Grandma: On second thought, I think I better sit this one out.

[Grandma upset, looks up at Grandpa]

Grandpa: You kids go ahead, I wanna have a talk with your old grandma.

[kids, parent leave; Grandpa sits down]

Grandpa: You’re still having control problems, aren’t you?

Grandma: I just don’t feel confident, Harvey.

Grandpa: Come with me. I wanna let you in on a little secret.

[Grandpa takes Grandma’s hand and they leave porch]

[Grandpa opens cabinet and takes out adult diapers]

Grandpa: Here we are. Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

Grandma: Oops! I Crapped My Pants. I’ve heard of those. Do they work?

Grandpa: Oops! I Crapped My Pants outperformed every bladder and bowel control product on the market today. Here, I’ll show you.

[Grandma holds open diaper, Grandpa holds pitcher]

Grandpa: Imagine this pitcher of tea is really a gallon of your feces.

[Grandpa pours pitcher of tea with lemons into diaper]

Grandpa: See how its super thick protection allows for maximum absorbency without leaking.

Grandma: I’m impressed. Oops! I Crapped My Pants can hold a lot of dung.

Grandpa: And get this – Oops! I Crapped My Pants are biodegradable. Now that’s good for the environment.

Grandma: Hey, how do you know so much about Oops! I Crapped My Pants?

Grandpa: Well I’m wearing them.. and I just did.

[Grandpa and Grandma smile at each other]

[tennis courts, Grandpa and Grandma playing tennis with children]

Grandchild: Nice point, Grandma!

[Grandma turns to address camera]

Grandma: Thanks, Oops! I Crapped My Pants!

Voice-over: Visit your local pharmacy and just say, “Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

[Grandpa hugs Grandma, kisses her on the head. They walk away happy]

[They turn to walk away and their tennis shorts are bulging…]

Submitted by: Michelle Donahue Hillison

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Cameron Diaz’s Monologue

…..Cameron Diaz
Man in Audience…..Hugh Fink

Cameron Diaz: Thank you! Thank you, everyone, it’s great to be here in New York! As you can see, I didn’t use too much hair products this evening! [ laughs, but scowls at an unresponsive Man sitting in the audience ] What? What the hell are you looking at, what’s your problem? [ he stares back, confused ] You’re just sitting there with that goofy smart-ass look on your freakin’ punk-ass face, so I’m just wondering – do you have something to say to me?

Man in Audience: [ stunned ] Punk-ass? My face isn’t punk-ass..

Cameron Diaz: [ laughing ] What? What the hell did you just say?

Man in Audience: No, I.. I mean, I love your work..

Cameron Diaz: Oh, you love my work? That’s supposed to mean something to me? Right. You know what? You’re bugging the living crap out of me, man. I know you think I’m, like, that sweet girl you see in the movies all the time. But I gotta let you know, okay – you don’t know me! You don’t know what’s going in here. So you’d just better back off before I unload on y’all.

Man in Audience: Okay.. everything’s cool?

Cameron Diaz: What? What’s cool about it, man? I mean ,what do you think, that you can just sit there like some damn, dirty punk, sirking like a bitch? [ walks over to the Man in Audience ]

Man in Audience: No.. I..

Cameron Diaz: No, I what? [ slaps the Man ] You think it’s easy sitting here reading these cur cards?

Man in Audience: Yes?

Cameron Diaz: Yeah? Okay, then try it, jackal! Read the cue card!

Man in Audience: Okay.. Jackel?

Cameron Diaz: Read it!!

Man in Audience: [ readin ] “Okay.. we’ve got a great show tonight, the Smashing Pupe-kins are here..”

Cameron Diaz: [ outraged ] What?! You jack ass! Shut up, you – Listen, you know what, just step off a second and I’ll show you how it’s done. [ returns to stage ] Okay, I’m super excited about being here this evening. We’ve got a great show tonight, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

The Ladies Man

The Ladies’ Man/Bill Clinton…..Tim Meadows
Julie/Monica Lewnsky…..Cameron Diaz

Leon Phelps: Yeah..! Right! What’s up, and thank you very much! And what is hapnin’? Uh, welcome to “The Ladies Man”, the loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I’m Leon Phelps, and how y’all doin’ tonight? (Crowd cheers) Yeah? Well that’s good! I’m doing fine, and I got my Courvosier right here! …And I also got my Starr Report! Oh yeah! That’s right. Now I have read this report, and I have to say this is really good. This is very, very good, you know. I especially like the parts on the obstruction of justice, the purgery charges, and also, the stuff about the BJ’s. That was good! You know, Ilike this so much, that in fact, that tonight, I’d like to perform, theatrically perform, some of it for you. All right, so without furder ado, this is another episode of what I’d like to call, “The Ladies’ ManPresents”!

[ “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” music pots up, as Leon steps behind a silhoette of himself holding a glass of Courvosier ]

Yeah, I like that! All right now, here in the Oval Office, for this demonstration, I will be playing President Bill Clinton. And, uh, you will know me as the Clinton because I will be wearing this wig.Right? Right. Now here to assist me, is a very talented performer, from our community theater group. She has appeared in “Our Town”, in “Uncle Vonya”, and her picture has appeared in numerous phone sex ads. Soplease welcome the lovely Julie. How about it?

Julie: Hi Leon!

Leon Phelps: Now Julie, you tell them what role you’ll be playin’ tonight.

Julie: Well Leon, I will be playin’ Ms. Monica Lewinsky.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, that’s right. Well now Julie is not as fat, and therefore as not as sweet as Monica, but I think you will agree she is no bus station skank!

Julie: Well thank you Leon, should we get started?

Leon Phelps: Well yes we shall! Oh, sh.. she is so propesion… profedsional. Oh, I’m so sor… Ok! Yes, yes, yes! But Julie, take your place and we will begin. Here is sexual encounter number 1, or what’d Ilike to call, “The Oral Office”! (He puts the wig on) Four score and seven years ago… Oh! (He bumps into Monica) Well hello there!

Julie: Hello, my name is Monica!

Leon Phelps: My name is President Bill Clinton!

Julie: Look, I’m wearing a thong…

Leon Phelps: Oh yeah, that is nice… Uh, I mean yes, that is very good!

Julie: We have quite a chemistry, don’t we?

Leon Phelps: Yes we do! Can I kiss you? (they kiss) And freeze! Yeah! Now that was not bad! But I have to say, he asted to much time to get where he really wanted. And that is very sad, you see! Now check out how the Ladies’ Man would handle the situation, ok? Julie, if you will?

Leon Phelps: Hello there, sexy!

Julie: Hello. My name is Monica Lewinsky.

Leon Phelps: Oh yeah..? Well let me get a couple of handfulls of that big butt!

Julie: Yeah, okay.

Leon Phelps: And freeze! Now you see, how little time I wastedbefore I grabbed her butt? See? I did not kiss her, I just went straight for the caboose, you see! Now let’s move on to the time when the president will have a pizza delivered to him by Monica. Okay? That leads to sexual encounter number 2, or what I have named, “The Pres Gets Him a Slice”!

Leon Phelps: And by signing this, I will make this a law!

Julie: Mr. President?

Leon Phelps: Oh, Monica!

Julie: I brought you a pizza!

Leon Phelps: I hope it’s a pizz’of ass!! *RING RING RING!* Hello there Senator Congressman! Yeah! How’s it comming with you making that bill? Mmm-hmmm! (he points his finger down to his wang, expecting a BJfrom Monica) Yeah! Uhh-huh! Yeah! Okay, that’s it! That’s right! Now we’ll just have to make that a law! And freeze!! Now, I must say I have done many things while having my wang moutha-fied, you know. I havedone so many things. I have mowed the lawn, I have pumped the gas, I’ve even cooked eggs! But I’ve never talked to a congressman! So, Mr. President, I salute you, for doing a job, while having a job done to you! Saaluute! (they salute) Thank you. But now comes the hard part. Like every good wang-to-mouth relationship, there comes a time to call it off. And as we know, the president has a very hard time ending hisrelationships. But there’s a very, very smooth way this can get done which brings us to my 3rd vignette, which I call, “Yeah, That Was Nice, But I Think you Should Get Going”. Julie, if you will? (She gives hima BJ)

Julie: (She gets up) You know, anyway, incase you were, um, going to change the educational system…

Leon Phelps: And freeze! So there you have it! Our president is quite a lover, but you have to say, he is no Ladies’ Man, you know? I would like to thank my assistant Julie. Julie, tell us where you will be performing next?

Julie: Right now, I am in the production of Cole Porter’s “Anything Goes”!

Leon Phelps: Well, I dont know about this Cole Porter dude, but I’m game to see it! Haha! And I’ll see you later on on “The Ladies’ Man”!

Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Jingleheimer Junction

Jingleheimer Joe…..Tim Meadows
Katie Kindness…..Cameron Diaz
Carla Caring…..Ana Gasteyer
Umberto Unity…..Horatio Sanz
Fred Friendship…..Will Ferrell

Jingleheimer Joe: [ entering the set ] Well, hello, hello. Glad to see you all back again with ol’ Jingleheimer Joe for more good times. So, let’s all become friends and get in a togetherness mood, with your good old pals, the Junction Gang.

[ train whistle sound effect. Katie Kindness, with “K” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Katie Kindness!

[ train whistle sound effect. Carla Caring, with “C” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Carla Caring!

[ train whistle sound effect. Umberto Unity, with “U” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: And Umberto Unity!

[ the kids are lined up to Jingleheimer Joe’s right: Umberto Unity, Carla Caring and Katie Kindness, the letters on their chests spelling out “UCK” ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Hey, Junction Gang! How are you all today?

Katie Kindness: Better than ever!

Carla Caring: We made a new friend! He’s going to join the Junction Gang!

Jingleheimer Joe: [ curious ] New friend? I didn’t hear anything about a new friend.

Carla Caring: Well, why don’t you meet him?

Katie Kindness: Hey, new friend! Come on down!

( train whistle sound effect. Fred Friendship, with “F” on chest, enters back door, stands next to Katie Kindness, spelling “UCKF”)

Umberto Unity: Meet our new friend, Fred Friendship!

Fred Friendship: “F” is for “Friendship”!

Jingleheimer Joe: Um.. I’m not sure that this is a good idea.

Katie Kindness: Not a good idea? Why, friendship is the best idea!

Carla Caring: In fact, I think Fred Friendship should go to the front of the line!

Jingleheimer Joe: Uh.. no, no. He shouldn’t.

Fred Friendship: [ excited ] Yes, I should!

Umberto Unity: To the front of the line, Fred!

Jingleheimer Gang: [ chanting ] “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”!

[ Freddie Friendship dances slowly to the front of the line ]

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]

[ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, Fred, that’s enough of you! It’s time for you to get out of here, okay!

Katie Kindness: Jingleheimer Joe, that’s not being friendly.

Fred Friendship: No, it’s not!

Carla Caring: Maybe we should sing the “Togetherness Song” for Jingleheimer Joe.

Fred Friendship: Yeah, let’s do it! I’ll go stand over there with the Gang!

Jingleheimer Joe: No. No, you won’t! You’ll stand right here.

[ music intro starts song ]

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] “You can’t have togetherness, without four things:”

Carla Caring: “Caring.”

Katie Kindness: “And Kindness.”

Fred Friendship: “Friendship!”

Umberto Unity: “And Unity.”

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] “Come see what joy these four can be.”

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, uh.. that’s great. Now, we’re gonna..

Carla Caring: Letter Call-out!

Fred Friendship: [ moving forward ] “F”!

Umberto Unity: [ moving forward ] “U”!

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]

[ cut back to Jingleheimer Gang, Katie Kindness moving forward ]

Jingleheimer Gang: “K”!

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay. Alright. I think that’s enough. That’s enough.

Katie Kindness: No, it’s not. It’s time for “Mish-Mash Mix-em-up.

Jingleheimer Gang: Yeah!

Carla Caring: Spread out, everyone, until someone says, “Freeze!”

[ the Jingleheimer Gang starts to spin around one another in different combinations – Fred Friendship around Umberto Unity, Carla Caring around Katie Kindness and other combinations, until “U-C-K” can be seen with Fred Friendship almost turned completely around. ]

Jingleheimer Joe: That’s it! Stop it! [ rushes Fred Friendship ] No, no, no!!

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]

[ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]

Jingleheimer Joe: I’ve had enough of you! Get out of here, Fred!

Fred Friendship: [ hurt] Ow! I just want to be with my friends!

Umberto Unity: We’re supposed to be learning about friendship, Joe.

Jingleheimer Joe: Shut up, Umberto!

Fred Friendship: Whoa. I think somebody around here has completely missed our message of togetherness.

Katie Kindness: I think we’d better tell him what we’re all about.

Fred Friendship: This song’s about Togetherness.

Katie Kindness: [ starts singing ] “What we’re spelling out for you-ou.. Is really, really good to do-oo. Caring and kindness are the perfect fit.”

Umberto Unity: [ singing ] “You can do it anywhere! In a parking lot or on a chair!”

Carla Caring: [ singing ] “Inside and outsi-i-i-ide!”

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing and gyrating ] “In and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out..” [ backs now turned ]

Katie Kindness: [ turns around singing, reveals “K” ] “Oh, yeah!”

Carla Caring: [ turns around singing, reveals “C” ] “Baby!”

Umberto Unity: [ turns around singing, reveals “U” ] “Baby!”

Jingleheimer Joe: [ once again rushes Fred Friendship before he can turn around ] Noooooo!!!

[ Jingleheimer Joe wrestles Fred Friendship to the ground one last time, as “Jingleheimer Junction” ends ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Gap Ad III

Kenneth Starr…..Chris Parnell

[fade up to Kenneth Starr in casual clothes carrying boxes of reports into a room, stacking them up into a 4×3 square; background is white throughout the entire commercial]

Kenneth Starr: My report speaks for itself.

[Kenneth turns on a boombox stacked on a box of reports; “Stone To the Bone” plays, as Kenneth dances and flips around the room]

[cut to Gap logo with “Fit.” underneath; guitar plays the “fall into the Gap” notes]

Kenneth Starr: The American people have a right to know!

[fade to black]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Gap Ad II

Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer

[fade up to Hillary Clinton in casual clothes playing riffs on an electric guitar; background is white throughout the entire commercial]

[cut to Hillary sitting next to an amplifier]

Hillary Clinton: Bill and I…

[series of two cuts: Hillary jamming on the guitar with amplifier in view, then Hillary sitting next to the amp]

The President and I…

[series of five cuts: close-up of Hillary’s feet while she’s jamming, then Hillary sitting next to the amp and looking in disgust at one of Bill Clinton’s semen-stained ties, then Hillary jamming with more anger, then an extreme close-up of Hillary jamming with the camera moving up from her feet to her guitar, then Hillary with the guitar and amp]

[upset] This is not easy! [takes the guitar and tosses it to the ground]

[cut to Gap logo with “Fit.” underneath; guitar plays the “fall into the Gap” notes]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts