SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 14

96n: Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Mary Katherine Gallagher….Molly Shannon
Roger….Alec Baldwin
Excited Fan….Cheri Oteri
…..Tina Turner

(Opens with a bunch of Tina Turner’s fans getting their autographs from the legendary rock singer in her dressing room. Roger comes in with an earpiece on to chase the fans out of the dressing room)

Roger: (Australian accent) Ok, mates. Thanks for coming but Tina’s got to be on her way! (into the mic) The bird’s about to fly. Clearing sector G. Let’s go! Come on!

(The fans move out of the dressing room. Only one very excited fan stays with Tina Turner while she signs an autograph)

Excited Fan: I love you Miss Turner!! I have all your Cd’s and I just want you to know that I support your decision to leave your husband. [cries] You are so strong! You are so strong! Oh, my God! You are so strong!

[Roger puts her on a choke hold]

Roger: Ok, let’s clear the perimeter! Break a leg. You know what I’m talking about.

[Roger opens the dressing room door]

Excited Fan: Oh, Tina!

[Roger throws her out with a single push and closes the door]

Roger: Sorry about that, Tin. Your car’s outside. Whenever you’re ready, foxy lady.

Tina Turner: Ok, Rog. Be a second.

Roger: [into mic] Room is clear, T.T. Locked and loaded, over![leaves]

[Tina opens her closet and Mary Katherine Gallagher in her catholic high school uniform falls out]

Tina Turner: Whoa!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [gets up quick] Mary Kathrine Gallagher! [shakes hand with Tina]

Tina Turner: I’m Tina Turner.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: What?

Tina Turner: I’m Tina Turner.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I know you’re Tina Turner. You’re Tina Turner, legendary songstress and legendary diva. Originally born in Tennessee in the little old town of Nutbush formerly of the Ike & Tina review, now currently a solo artist traveling the world in the Tina Turner’s “Wildest Dreams” tour which is being sponsored by Hanes Hosiery for ladies.

Tina Turner: You know a lot about me, Mary.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yep, I do. And I also, I’ve seen the movie “What’s love got to do with it” 30 times and I, and you know what?

Tina Turner: What?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I don’t know what’s love got to do with it.

Tina Turner: Well…

[Roger comes in, fans yell for Tina, Roger closes the door]

Roger: [into the mic] Red alert! Red alert! Foxtrot, Alpha, Bravo! [grabs Mary’s arm]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Wait, hold on!

Tina Turner: Roger, just one second here. Mary, I have to get dressed right now. But it was very nice to meet you.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Ok.

Roger: Ok, four eyes, your little escapade is over. Come on!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Wait a second, wait a second! I just want to say one thing! Um, miss Tina Turner, I want to be a singer just like you.

Tina Turner: Yeah?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [sings] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…

Roger: [puts Mary on a headlock] All right! That’s enough, you jackeroo! [into the mic] Code yellow, situation under control.

Tina Turner: Roger, Roger! One second here. Let me just have a second with Mary. All right?

Roger: [lets go of Mary] Righty-o, Tina. But I’m right outside if a situation develops.

[Roger leaves, fans plead for autographs outside the door, Roger closes the door]

Tina Turner: Mary, come over here. You know Mary, that was kind of dangerous, sneaking into someone’s dressing room. I could’ve called the police.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: You mean, the fuzz?

[Mary puts her hands under her armpits]

Tina Turner: Yes. What are you doing?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes when I get nervous I stick my fingers under my arms and then [smells her fingers] I smell ’em like that.[sniffs] That’s really gross.

Tina Turner: No, no. Its all right. Mary, come over here for a second. Come over to this mirror. You know what I see in that mirror? Mary? [Tina and Mary look in the mirror] I see a very pretty girl.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: You mean in this mirror here?

Tina Turner: In that mirror there.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Really?

Tina Turner: Yes. Now take your hands from under your armpits and come over here. And relax, relax, relax. Ok? Now Mary, I want you to concentrate. I want you to feel deep inside of yourself.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: No. My grandmother said that I’m not supposed to do that.

Tina Turner: That’s ok, ok Mary. See, what I want you to do is try to concentrate. Because that person that you got hidden inside, I want you to do that.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I can’t.

Tina Turner: Yes, you can. Try to concentrate and I want you to tell me who you are. Who are you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Who am I?

Tina Turner: Yes! Who are you? Tell me, Mary! Who are you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [sings Tina’s hit Private Dancer] I’m your Private Dancer, a dancer for money, I’ll do what you want me to do….

Tina Turner: That’s it, Mary! You got it! That’s a good girl.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [more forceful, just like Tina] I’m your private dancer! A dancer for money, any old music will do!

Tina Turner: Yes, you got it! Yes, yes!

[Hit “Proud Mary” plays]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [excited she sings] Big wheel keep on turnin’…

Tina Turner: Whooo!!

Tina and Mary: Proud Mary keep on burnin’!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [jumps on a chair, imitates Tina’s moves] Rollin’!

Tina and Mary: Rollin’, rollin’ on a river!!

Tina Turner: One more time!

Tina and Mary: Rollin’! Whoo! Rollin’! Whoo! Rollin’ on a river!

Tina Turner: Oh, yeah!!

Tina and Mary: Rollin’! Rollin’!

[Mary jumps back and crashes on top of a table smashing it to pieces]

[Mary jumps, arms high]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Superstar!

Tina Turner: Yes, yes! Fantastic!

[they hug]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Late Show with David Letterman

David Letterman…..Norm MacDonald
Paul Shaffer…..Mark McKinney
Robert De Niro…..Alec Baldwin

[ Band finishes playing as Letterman wipes something off his desk ]

David Letterman: Alright. Alright, welcome back to the big show folks! You came on a good night, Robert De Niro is with us. So Paul, uh, Paul, yesterday I pile the wife and kids into the station wagon, we go out to dinner, and, uh, on the way there…

Paul Shaffer: Yeah, uhh, how are the kids?

David Letterman: What’s that, Paul?

Paul Shaffer: How…how are the kids?

David Letterman: Oh oh, well, thanks for asking. The little one’s got a touch of the flu but he’s good. So anyway, we’re at the Red Lobster there, Paul, and I’m enjoying what I always get there. You know what I always get. The, uhh, the Fisherman’s Platter?

[ Paul laughs ]

David Letterman: [ laughs ] Yeah. So this, so this waiter comes to our table, Paul, and he’s one of those real oily guys. You know those kinds of guys? Real oily? He looks right at me and gives me one of these. Like, uhh: [ doing impression ] “Ehh, uhh, you enjoying your shrimp? Ehh, you enjoying your shrimp?”

[ Paul and Letterman laugh ]

Paul Shaffer: So, ahh, he wanted to know if you enjoyed your shrimp. Yeah, yeah.

David Letterman: Yeah, that’s right. [ laughs ] “Ehh, you enjoy your shrimp?” [ hi-pitched laugh ] Well, folks, in a couple seconds Robert De Niro will be out here and a little later on from “Nash Bridges”, the lovely Jodie O’Keith. Do you, do you enjoy the “Nash Bridges”, Paul?

Paul Shaffer: Yeah, yeah, “Nash Bridges”, good, yeah.

David Letterman: Yeah. Yeah, I think it’s a great program, you know? It’s got the guy from “Miami Vice” there, you’ve got your, uhh, Doug Johnson on there on it.

Paul Shaffer: That’s, uhh, Don Johnson.

David Letterman: Yeah, well, whatever, anyway. He’s good. And you know who else they got now, apparently? Cheech from “Cheech and Chong”. He’s on the show as well.

Paul Shaffer: Oh yeah, Cheech, yeah.

David Letterman: Yeah.

Paul Shaffer: Yeah.

David Letterman: Yeah, he plays the sidekick. And you know, I was thinking about this this afternoon, Paul, and that seems a little silly to me, you know, when you think about you. When you’re making your serious crime drama, you don’t want to cast Cheech. That seems, you know. You know who they should have gotten for that role, don’t you Paul?

Paul Shaffer: Yeah, who’s that?

David Letterman: Well, they should have got Chong. [ laughs long and high into a sigh ] Chong. [ laughs ] You imagine such a thing, Paul, Chong?! [ laughs ] Anyway, folks, tonight we got a great program. Bonnie Raitt will be on the show and Jesus, every time she’s here she blows the roof off the joint. And Paul? Why wouldn’t they use Chong on the show, when you think about it?

Paul Shaffer: I…I don’t know. I don’t know.

David Letterman: Yeah, I don’t know either. I…I think that’s a mistake! [ laughs ] Anyway, folks, we couldn’t be more thrilled to have our first guest here on the program. Ladies and Gentlemen, brace yourselves, Robert De Niro!

[ Music plays as De Niro walks out holding a glass of scotch and smoking a cigar. Letterman shakes his hand and leads him to a seat ]

David Letterman: Oh gosh, Robert, I can’t tell you how great it is to have you on the program. All the work you’ve done over the years is just top notch. It must make you very happy, huh?

Robert De Niro: Lil’ bit, lil’ bit. Yeah.

David Letterman: Well, now Robert, tells us about your new film “Marvin’s Room”.

Robert De Niro: I like the band. The band’s good. The band’s good.

David Letterman: You, you enjoy the band, do you? Well, now, let me tell you this, Robert, uhh, I saw “Marvin’s Room” and I have to tell you it’s a fine piece of work. Robert? It’s got a great cast. You’ve got, you’ve got Meryl Streep, Diane Keaton. Oh, and you know who I particularly enjoyed in the film was uhh, was uhh.. Chong!

Robert De Niro: Yeah, he was good. He’s very good. That he is. He’s good.

[ Letterman laughs ]

David Letterman: You hear that Paul? He enjoys Chong!

[ Letterman and Paul laugh again ]

Robert De Niro: You two have a good time, I’ll give you that. You know, it reminds me of the time Marty and I, Marty and I were making “Taxi Driver”, we were filming “Taxi Driver” and Marty turns to me, he says…

David Letterman: Oh oh, let me guess! He probably said this, he probably, “Ehh, you enjoying the shrimp? Ehh, you enjoy the shrimp?” [ laughs ] Hey hey! You know who I’ll bet really enjoyed the shrimp? Chong! [laughs longer and harder, eventually becoming a hard coughing fit ] Ohh! Ahh!

Robert De Niro: Dave, I watch your show all the time, and I got a little surprise for you.

David Letterman: Oh oh, what’s that there, Robert?

Robert De Niro: I watch your show all the time, I’m familiar with the format, so I’ve got my own Top Ten list and I’d like to do it for you.

David Letterman: Oh, by all means. That would be great.

[ Music plays as De Niro takes the list out of his pocket ]

Robert De Niro: Top Ten Reasons You Should See My New Movie, “Marvin’s Room”. Number 10… [ drumroll starts ] I don’t care for that, turn that off. [ drumroll stops ] Keep it off.
Number 10: See “Marvin’s Room”.
Number 9: Like I said, see “Marvin’s Room”.
Number 8: See it already!
Number 7: See “Marvin’s Room”! Be a man! Be a man!
Number 6: “Marvin’s Room”. I’ve heard things! I heard some things about “Marvin’s Room”!
Number 5: Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!

Thanks to Adam for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 14

96n: Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner

Bill Brasky’s Funeral

First Friend of Brasky … Mark McKinney
Second Friend of Brasky … Will Ferrell
Third Friend of Brasky … Alec Baldwin
Woman … Ana Gasteyer
Fourth Friend of Brasky … Tim Meadows

[Fade in on an image of a building with a signreading: McKAY FUNERAL HOME. Somber organ music plays.Dissolve to the interior where a man and woman standbehind a huge wooden casket paying tearful lastrespects. In the background, other mourners sit inchairs awaiting the start of the funeral. The mankisses the woman, they cross themselves and exit leftjust as another couple enter from the right, brieflypay their respects and take a seat with the others.

Next, three mumbling members of the Brasky Bunchenter, drinking from large glasses half full ofliquor, and line up at the casket as if it were thecountertop of a bar. The cigarette-smoking FirstFriend of Brasky puts an ashtray on the casket. TheSecond Friend of Brasky carries a bottle. The ThirdFriend of Brasky wears a hat and also smokes acigarette. They speak loudly, slurring their wordsdrunkenly throughout:]

Third Friend of Brasky: I can’t believe he’sgone!

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman inthe office!

Second Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky was ason-of-a-bitch!

Third Friend of Brasky: I’m gonna misshim!

Second Friend of Brasky: [proposing a toast] ToBill Brasky!

All Three: [raising their glasses] BillBrasky!

Third Friend of Brasky: A ten foot monster whoslept with all of our wives!

Second Friend of Brasky: And he punched us allin the face!

First Friend of Brasky: And we LOVED him forit!

Third Friend of Brasky: He had a four day heartattack!

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, a day for everychamber!

Second Friend of Brasky: When they did theautopsy, they said his heart was like a basketballfilled with ricotta cheese!

Third Friend of Brasky: They found sixtydollars in change in his stomach!

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman inthe office!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Third Friend of Brasky: I remember one timeBrasky took his family to Sea World–

First Friend of Brasky: I’m wearing adiaper!

Third Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause]Anyway, they were watching Shamu the whale when Braskygot splashed!

Second Friend of Brasky: [speaksincoherently]

Third Friend of Brasky: Right. So Brasky yells,”I’m Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!” So he climbsinto the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale intothe audience, splashes him and yells, “How do you likeit?!” And then damn if Brasky didn’t step in there andfinish the show!

Second Friend of Brasky: That’s just likeBrasky!

First Friend of Brasky: You know, he wouldshoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe.

Third Friend of Brasky: He did all the make-upon the Planet of the Apes movies.

Second Friend of Brasky: He taught – he taughtme how to love a woman – and how to scold achild.

First Friend of Brasky: He had dandruff thesize of mice!

Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell youabout the time Brasky took me out to go get a drinkwith him?

Third Friend of Brasky: I’m a convicted sexoffender!

Second Friend of Brasky: [after a pause]Anyways, we go off lookin’ for a bar and we can’t findone. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot andsays, “Here we are!” Well, we sat there for a year anda half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar aroundus!

First Friend of Brasky: P. J.McGinty’s!

Second Friend of Brasky: That’s right, that’sright! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered ashot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground.Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, “Alwaysleave things the way you found them!”

Third Friend of Brasky: He was a terribleman!

First Friend of Brasky: He once punched a holein a cow just so he could see who was comin’ up theroad.

Third Friend of Brasky: He had nine children,all of ’em boys!

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell, he sired abaseball team.

Third Friend of Brasky: An orchestra, if youcount the bastards!

Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Woman: [joins the three at the casket,whispering loudly] Excuse me, could you gentlemenplease keep it down? This is a funeral!

First Friend of Brasky: Oh! Sorry.

Third Friend of Brasky: Sorry, sorry. Hey, youmind gettin’ us some fresh ice there, girlie?

Woman: You are horrible men! [exits]

First Friend of Brasky: [continues withoutmissing a beat] Did I ever tell you about the time Ihad breakfast with Brasky?

Second Friend of Brasky: My Uncle Hal molestedme!

First Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause]Anyways, Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD withhis eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight.When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, “All inall, I prefer gin!”

Third Friend of Brasky: That’s just likeBrasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: They say GeneRoddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Braskytalkin’ in his sleep!

Third Friend of Brasky: He once breast-fed aninjured flamingo back to health.

First Friend of Brasky: He used to jog aroundthe block with a fridge on his back!

Second Friend of Brasky: His poop is consideredcurrency in Argentina!

First Friend of Brasky: He loved extensioncords!

Third Friend of Brasky: He hated Mexicans!

Second Friend of Brasky: And he was halfMexican!

First Friend of Brasky: And he hatedirony!

Third Friend of Brasky: He grew a third arm andkept it in a vault!

Second Friend of Brasky: He slept eight hours anight! [the others give him a puzzled look] Well, hewas pretty normal when it came to that.

[A mourner, who has been sitting in the backgroundsince the sketch began, now rises with a drink in hishand and joins the three at the casket:]

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Excuse me! Are youguys talkin’ about Bill Brasky?

First and Second Friend of Brasky: We certainlyare!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: I know BillBrasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: I like you!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Four: Bill Brasky!

[Suddenly, a giant hand clutching a half full glass ofliquor smashes up through the top of the woodencasket. The Brasky Bunch is momentarilystunned.]

Booming Voice of Bill Brasky: I’m back! Now,top me off, you bastards!

All Four: [thrilled] Bill Brasky!

[First and Second Friend pour liquor into Brasky’sglass.]

First Friend of Brasky: Here you go,buddy!

[Dissolve to photo of Alec Baldwin and some blueballoons. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 22nd, 1997

Alec Baldwin

Tina Turner

Howard Stern

Late Show with David Letterman

Robert De Niro (Baldwin) enjoys Letterman’s (Norm MacDonald) on-air persona.

Recurring Characters: David Letterman, Paul Shaffer, Robert De Niro.

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

Baldwin previews the behind-the-scenes action at SNL.

Roxbury Guys

Third Roxbury Guy (Baldwin) more successful than buddies (Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan).

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Tina Turner offers self-esteem advice to Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon).

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

The Quiet Storm

“Champagne” Garnett (Tim Meadows) battles the station newsman (Baldwin).

Recurring Characters: Chris “Champagne” Garnett.

TV Funhouse

“Fun With Real Audio” turns Tom Snyder into a stalker during Dolly Parton interview.

The Gossip Show

Julie Brown (Cheri Oteri) gossips further.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Howard Stern discusses SNL censoring, and shows a clip from “Private Parts”.

Tina Turner performs “In Your Wildest Dreams”

Long Island Phone Sex

Yard Sale

Reminiscing couple (Baldwin, Molly Shannon) unload sentimental items for pennies.

Wong & Owens, Ex-Porn Stars

Wong (Jim Breuer) & Owens (Tracy Morgan) seek success in the corporate world.

Recurring Characters: Don Wong, Reggie Owens.

Tina Turner performs “Proud Mary”

Bill Brasky’s Funeral

Friends of Bill Brasky speak of his awe and wonder at his funeral.

Recurring Characters: Friends of Bill Brasky.

Rain: The Miniseries

Danger rainstorm is topic of new made-for-TV disaster epic.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.

Our top story tonight: This week in the civil trial of O.J. Simpson, the jurywhich had earlier had found him liable in the deaths of Ron Goldman andNicole Brown Simpson, this week tacked on an additional 25 million dollars inpunitive damages. On hearing the news Simpson declared “This is far from over”.Asked to clarify that statement, O.J. said “I’m going to kill more people.What did you think I meant?”

Just hours after President Clinton again pledged to clean up the democraticparty’s fundraising operation, the Whitehouse announced he will attend amillion dollar fundraiser next week. However spokesman Mike McCurry stressedthat at this event “Donations from Indonesia or other foreign countries willnot be accepted, unless they are left in a brown paper bag under the sink inthe men’s room”.

More bad news for the President, this week convicted Whitewater swindlerJames McDougal claims that his ex-wife Susan McDougal had an affair withClinton while he was governor of Arkansas. The President denied the chargesadding, “If you really knew me you would know that I was always faithful toGennifer Flowers.”

Norm MacDonald: This week saw new accusations of infideltity levelingagainst President Clinton. Here to answer those charges, on behalf of thePresident, is Colin Quinn.
Colin Quinn: Thank you. [ points to photo of Susan McDougal ] Firstof all, this is Susan McDougal. I believe Clinton when he says he didn’tsleep with her. She isn’t his type. He doesn’t go for that corporatelook. He likes the girls with the teased-out perms and the flourescentlipstick that work at Spencer Gifts. His hero JFK was doing Marilyn Monroe,but Clinton falls for the first pair of frayed acid wash that stumbles out ofFudrucker’s.
But why are we all so upset about Clinton’s mistresses in the first place?Why mae a big deal out of it? In Europe, they accept the fact that theirleaders have mistresses. We should give Clinton that same slack. You know,he could bring them to state dinners: “Prime Minister Netenyahu, PrimeMinister Major, this is Tammy.” Who are we to judge? Our bodiesare too messed up sexually to begin with! Did you see Faye Resnick inPlayboy this month? What is that?! That’s like, “Hey, seethis girl? Her friend got murdered. I want to see her naked!” You know?We judge Clinton, but all the presidents had mistresses. Eisenhower, FDR..but those were professional mistresses. They would never rat you outto the media. If the media came sniffing around, they’d put on theirfavorite housecoat and eat a handful of barbituates. That’s the way it wasdone. That was the fifties. People didn’t want to know the President’sdirty laundry, they were just interested in his policies. In Europe, it’sstill that way – they sit around cafes, arguing politics. Here, peoplewatch the State of the Union Address, and they say, “Hey, Clinton looksfat.”
And Clinton is just like us. He should be worrying about his policies beingcompromised. He’s too bust running over to some suburban Virginia apartmentcomplex to be with a barmaid from Pizzeria Uno. He’s supposed to be leadingus, not looking at glass unicorn collections and listening to MaryChapin-Carpenter. You see, it’s our own fault. We want leaders who arecharming and charismatic and tell us what we want to hear. Well, guesswhat? Those qualities that get elected are the same ones that get youlaid. Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn! Alright, Colin, good job. That wasgreat!

The Irish rock band U2 kicked off their new tour in New York City yesterday,making a surprise appearence at a downtown K-mart. Fellow Irish performerSinead O’Conner was also on hand, but she works there.

Well, it’s Oscar time once again and ‘Breaking the Waves’ star Emily Watsonwas nominated for Best Actress. Asked to comment, Watson said, “Who the hellam I? I’ve never heard of myself..”

Senator Strom Thurman, at 94, the oldest person ever to serve in Congress,has been hospitalized this week with a bout of the flu. Doctors who examinedthe senator thoroughly, got kind of nautious.

Prince, the black labrador from New Hampshire, sentenced to death for killinga rooster won a reprieve this week. But although Prince is now officially offthe hook with local authorities he still must face the family of the roosterin the Civil trial, so.. he may be giving up a few milkbones, or whatever..

Stephen J. Hawkings, the renowned astrophysicist, regarded as AlbertEinstein’s intellectual successor, conceded defeat this week in a wager hemade six years ago with two professors of the California Institute ofTechnology. Hawkings incorrectly bet against the existence of nakedsingularities: a mathematical point in a black hole where space and time areinfinitely distorted, where matter is infinitely dense and where the rules ofrelavistic physics break down. With all due respect to Mr. Hawkings: what thehell were you thinking? I would have taken that bet, made a quick 20 bucks!

In northeren Florida, refuse from a paper mill caused female fish to developmale sex organs. In a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno

Connecticuit legislators are about to pass a law that would make it illegalto prohibit breastfeeding in public. Then hopefully these legislators willchange this fascist law, that the person being breast-fed in public has tobe a baby.

Well here is a sign of the times: this summer for the first time ever youwill need a reservation to get into Yosemite National Park. Officials saythose hit hardest by the new regulations are the squirrels.
Gary Larson is writing for the show now.

And, finally, first place in Weekend Update’s “Most Romantic Valentine”contest goes to David Delaferra of Carny, New Jersey. Yesterday, Mr.Delaferra, who works as a fireman here in the city, climbed the ladder ofthe firetruck to the 3rd floor office window of his girlfriend Alexandra.There with a dozen roses and a wedding ring, he proposed to her in frontof all of her co-workers. Congratulations, David! And coming in last placefor the 3rd year in a row: O.J. Simpson.

Norm MacDonlad: And that’s the way it is, folks. Good night, enjoyyour Sunday!

SNL Transcripts

Chevy Chase’s Monologue

…..Chevy Chase

Chevy Chase: Thank you very much! That’s good enough.

It’s really great to be back here on “Saturday Night Live”. I haven’t been here in, oh.. days. But this is a very special Saturday for me, because yesterday was Valentine’s Day.. and I don’t often get the chance to speak from my hert, as it were. Through the camera, and to the audience here. I would like to sort of send a special valentine to my wife, Janie, and our three beautiful daughters – 14, 12, and 8. And.. and let you know, that.. as happy as I ever was on this stage, those are the people that make my life worthwhile, and made me, uh.. a happy dad.. and a happy man. And, uh.. we’re kind of a shy family.. that is to say, I’m a big star and all that stuff. That’s the icing, but they’re the cake.

But I think I may not be around long – they may ask me to leave before the show’s over. So, uh.. in a sense, honey, I want you to know that the reason I asked Lorne to ask you and the children to, uh.. to stay down here on the floor before you went upstairs and sat down and watched this.. because I was gonna do soemthing I know you didn’t expect.

You don’t often see movie and TV stars ask their families to come up and show themselves. But I.. I’d kind of like you to meet my family, and I’ll tell you why. The years have been long.. they’ve endured with me. I’ve been with Janie 17 years, and I’ve yet to kiss another woman – except in a movie – since the first time I dated Janie.. and that’s the truth. I love her more today than I ever have in the past. They’ve been through my highs, they’ve been through my lows.. they’ve been through my notorious periods.. they’ve been through just about everything with me, and they’ve sustained me, they’ve supported me, and they’ve remained young and spirited.. and I’m proud of them, and I’ love them very much. And, if they’re not too embarrassed, I’d love it if you’d just come up and say hello. I’d like you to meet them – Janie, my wife, and my three daughters.

[ very old woman enters stage as Janie, with two grown women and a grown man portraying his three daughters ]

Happy Valentine’s Day! I’ll probably see you in about, I don’t know, a month. And Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! You know, we have a great show, and I know the kids are gonna love it – Live is here. Please, stay with us!

SNL Transcripts

White House For Sale

Mike McCurry…..Chevy Chase
President Bill Clnton…..Darrell Hammond
Peter Wolk…..Jim Breuer
Cheryl Wolk…..Cheri Oteri
Secretary…..Molly Shannon
Michael Brooks…..Tracy Morgan
Jason Howard…..Mark McKinney
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Bill Clinton sitting at his desk in front of a tall stack of flapjacks ]

[ Mike McCurry enters holding clipboard itinerary ]

Mike McCurry: Good morning, Mr. President.

President Bill Clinton: Mike. How are you doing?

Mike McCurry: Very good. Thank you, sir. We have a very busy day, sir. I have your itinerary right here in front of me.

President Bill Clinton: Alright, Mike.

Mike McCurry: Let’s take a look. At 8:45, you’re having coffee with six big contributors from Denver. They’ve each paid $25,000 each, so that’s good.

[ couple wander into the Oval Office in their pajamas ]

Peter Wolk: Hey, do you have any syrup?

President Bill Clinton: Uh.. excuse me, but.. if you’re looking for the tour, it starts downstairs..

Mike McCurry: Uh.. Mr. President, this is Cheryl and Peter Wolk. They’re big contributors from the Florida Democratic community, and they’re staying in the Lincoln Bedroom.

President Bill Clinton: [ laughs apologeticlaly ] I’m sorry! Thank you for your support!

Peter Wolk: Right, yeah. How about that syrup?

President Bill Clinton: Yeah.. sure. [ surrenders his bottle of syrup ]

Peter Wolk: Hey, man, can we get a TV in there, too?

Cheryl Wolk: Yeah, we’re gonna miss friggin’ Rosie.

Peter Wolk: Yeah.

[ couple exit the Oval Office ]

Mike McCurry: I’m sorry, sir. To continue: at 9:30, you’re playing golf; nine holes with the owner of a Phillipino natural gas company. He paid $40,000. You are to lose.

President Bill Clinton: What about my education reform package?

Mike McCurry: Well, I don’t know about that. [ continues ] 11:15, for $20,000, Pictionary with a Mr. & Mrs. Steven J. Peckman. Uh.. 12:10, for $9,000, you’re giving Mr. Robert Sinclair’s son a tennis lesson. That sounds nice.

President Bill Clinton: Wasn’t I supposed to fly to Mexico City for that economic conference.

Mike McCurry: Oh, Mr. President, we couldn’t use Air Force One – it’s already been rented out to the guy who kicked the field goal at the Pro Bowl.

President Bill Clinton: Oh?

[ Secretary enters Oval Office ]

Secretary: Uh.. Mr. President, your 9:00 and your 9:05 are here.

[ Black Man and Excited Man enter Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Who are these people?

[ Black Man steps forward eagerly ]

Mike McCurry: Uh, sir, this is Mr. Michael Brooks, he paid $200 to have his photo taken with you. Go ahead. [ Clinton flashes a wide smile ] Oh, oh, oh, oh – don’t smile, sir, it’s a $200 picture.

[ satisfied, Blakc Man exits Oval Office ]

Mike McCurry: [ turns Clinton to the side ] Thank you. Mr. President, just stand this way for one moment, please.

[ Excited Man kicks Clinton straight in the ass ]

President Bill Clinton: Hey!

Mike McCurry: Uh.. this is Jason Howard, he paid $5 to kick you in the ass.

President Bill Clinton: Only $5?

Mike McCurry: Well, we’re running a special, sir. Every little bit helps.

Jason Howard: I only got a twenty.

Mike McCurry: That’s alright. [ takes the $20 and heads for a closet, which is revealed to contain a couple of money guards ]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, Michael, I don’t understand! Why do I even need all this money? I’ve already been re-elected.

Mike McCurry: Well.. you wanted a Democratic Congress. Campaigns cost money. [ to the money guards ] One ass kick.

President Bill Clinton: Could you just hold on a second, Michael. I mean.. what are we doing here? When did this all become about money? I mean, theyre are needy, hugry people out there, who are dependent upon me to help them improve the quality of their lives. I mean, I am the President.. of the United States.

Mike McCurry: Well, actually, sir.. as of five minutes ago, you’re not. Someone paid us a million dollars to be President for the next three hours.

President Bill Clinton: Somebody paid a million dollars?

Mike McCurry: A million dollars.

President Bill Clinton: A million?

[ Bob Dole crankily enters the Oval Office ]

Bob Dole: That’s right, you bet! That Superbowl commercial was worth every dime! Scram! Get the hell out of here! Bob Dole’s got three hours to pick an agenda, I got it all planned out here! The first twenty minutes, pick out a new cabinet! Next half-an-hour, meet with Congress, announce a balanced budget amendment! Next ten minutes, pull out our troops from Bosnia! Next forty-five minutes, well that’s nap time! Then, Bob Dole will wake up, roll back affirmative ation, that damn thing..

[ fade on Dole going crazy with his short-term power, as Clinton and McCurry exit Oval Office ]

SNL Transcripts

Chopper 4

Andrew…..Mark McKinney
Mr. Cavanetti…..Chevy Chase

[ open in front of Andrew’s newsstand, as Mr. Cavanetti walks up ]

Andrew: Hey, morning, Mr. Cavanetti! How you doing?

Mr. Cavanetti: Morning, Alex.

Andrew: Andrew! The name’s Andrew.

Mr. Cavanetti: Andrew.. whatever. The Times, please.

Andrew: Yeah, here you go. [ pulls it out of his coat pocket ] Kept one warm for you, Mr. Cavanetti!

Mr. Cavanetti: Oh, thank you very much, kept one warm for me, well that’s..

Andrew: Hey! Did you see the Chopper 4 on TV today, Mr. Cavanetti!

Mr. Cavanetti: No.. I didn’t.

Andrew: Ya! Chopper 4 was flying all over the place! Chopper 4 saw a lot of traffic, ho boy!

Mr. Cavanetti: [ uncomfortable with this conversation ] Yeah.. I.. I.. I.. it’s a good thing I walked today!

Andrew: Yeah! It’s a good thing you walked today! Hey! did you hear that Chopper 4’s got a new camera! Yeah! It can see through fog!

Mr. Cavanetti: Yeah, I think I did hear that somewhere..

Andrew: I told you about it!

Mr. Cavanetti: Oh.

Andrew: Yeah! It couldn’t used to see through no fog!

Mr. Cavanetti: Chopper 4?

Andrew: Yeah! Hey, you know what?

Mr. Cavanetti: No.

Andrew: Channel 5.. it ain’t got no Chopper 4!

Mr. Cavanetti: I’m willing to bet that Channel doesn’t have a Chopper 4, either.

Andrew: Yeah, you’re right! I just found out about Channel 5 today!

Mr. Cavanetti: You did?

Andrew: Yeah!

Mr. Cavanetti: Ah. Gotta go, Albert..

Andrew: Andrew!

Mr. Cavanetti: Oh. Andrew. Sorry.

Andrew: Where you going, Mr. Cavanetti?

Mr. Cavanetti: Huh? Oh, uh.. I just gotta meet my wife for a movie uptown.

Andrew: Oh, yeah! Are you two of you’s gonna go see Chopper 4!

Mr. Cavanetti: Geez.. No. We’re going to see a movie. you know, one of those big IMAX movies.

Andrew: Oh, IMAX! Those are like magic movies! Hey! You know what would make a great IMAX movie, Mr. Cavanetti!

Mr. Cavanetti: Chopper 4?

Andrew: Yeah, Chopper 4! You could see through the fog in 3D! I wonder what that would be like!

Mr. Cavanetti: Okay, Gordon..

Andrew: Andrew!

Mr. Cavanetti: Right.. well.. I’m gonna be late for the movie..

Andrew: Hey! You know, I went to an IMAX movie once, Mr. Cavenetti, I didn’t even make it into the theater! The poster gave the dizzies, I had to lie down on the sidewalk!

Mr. Cavanetti: [ confused ] You had to what?

Andrew: Yeah, yeah! The cold concrete makes the dizzies go away!

Mr. Cavanetti: Well.. maybe you should just stick to Chopper 4 on TV.

Andrew: Yeah! Well, I plan on doing that! Most definitely! Watching in my basement apartment with my fourteen cats – Alan, Sidney, Chopper 4, Bridget..

Mr. Cavanetti: Well.. you know what, Andrew..?

Andrew: Andrew!

Mr. Cavanetti: Andrew. A friend of mine is a news director over there at Channel 4..

Andrew: [ excited ] What?!

Mr. Cavanetti: Maybe I could, uh..

Andrew: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Does he know Chopper 4!

Mr. Cavanetti: Well, the station owns Chopper 4..

Andrew: Hey, no one could own Chopper 4, Mr. Cavanetti! It can see through fog!

Mr. Cavanetti: So I hear.

Andrew: Yeah! You think your friend could let me meet Chopper 4!

Mr. Cavanetti: Well, maybe.. let me talk to him, we’ll see..

Andrew: [ swooning ] Oh.. I’m getting the dizzies.. I gotta lie down on the sidewalk now.. [ lays down ]

Mr. Cavanetti: Slow down.. easy boy.. it’s gonna be fine..

Andrew: Oh, Mr. Cavanetti.. thank you so much.. thank you so much for getting me a ride on Chopper 4..

Mr. Cavanetti: I don’t think there’ll actually be a ride, but maybe you can sit in it while it’s on the ground..

Andrew: Oh, sitting in it will do! Thank you very much, Mr. Cavanetti! [ pulls at his hand ]

Mr. Cavanetti: Okay, no problem.. [ swats Andrew’s hand with his newspaper ] Gotta get going.. take care. [ walks off ]

[ cut to newspaper headline “Man Steals Chopper Four, Whereabouts Unknown” with Andrew’s picture next to it ]

[ cut to Chopper 4 flying the the skies of New York ]

Andrew’s Voice: Wow! I’m riding in Chopper 4! I can see through fog!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 13

96m: Chevy Chase / Live

Smokey and the Bandit

The Bandit…..Norm MacDonald
Snowman…..Will Ferrell
Sheriff Buford T. Justice…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on image of outer space, as text scrolls upward ]

Announcer: “In 1977, a film was released that was so powerful, so revolutionary, it forever changed the way we looked at motion pictures. Now, twenty years later we are proud to announce the return of… Smokey and the Bandit.”

[ dissolve to car chase clip from “Smokey and the Bandit”, over Jerry Reed’s “Eastbound and Down” ]

Announcer: Yes! The Bandit is back! and the smokeys are on his tail!

[ show image of The Bandit staring blanky and chewing as he drives his Corvette ]

[ cut to The Snowman driving the rig and speaking into the CB radio ]

Snowman: Good buddy, I don’t know if we can get this Coors there on time, just doin’ a double nickel. Catch you on the flip side. 10-4!

[ show clip of Bandit’s Corvette jumping the busted bridge, as a police cruiser spins into action ]

Announcer: Bandit, may the force be with you — the police force of Texarkana, that is, led by the evil Buford T. Justice.

[ cut to Buford T. Justice sitting behind the wheel as he speaks into his CB radio ]

Sheriff Buford T. Justice: This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice, you sumbitch!

[ show clip of Bandit hiding his Corvette within the convoy ]

Announcer: And look out for 14 digitally-restored minutes not shown in the original. Like this exciting scene:

[ cut to Bandit behind the wheel of his Corvette with Snowman in the passenger seat ]

The Bandit: [ into CB radio ] Yeah, Breaker 1-9. This is, uh — the Bandit! [ chuckles ] Yeah, we’re gonna… need some help.

[ cut to Yoda driving a truck ]

Yoda: [ into CB radio ] Help you, I will, yes. Come in, Bandit. You’ve got smokeys on your back door. Come on back.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Smokey and the Bandit”. Relive the magic!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
February 15th, 1997

Chevy Chase

Live

None

None
NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) interviews actresses Debbie Reynolds (Cheri Oteri), Madonna (Ana Gasteyer), and Courtney Love (Molly Shannon), who were all snubbed for this year’s Oscar nominations.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Debbie Reynolds, Madonna, Courtney Love.

Montage

Chevy Chase’s MonologueSummary: Chevy Chase introduces his faux supportive family members.

Transcript

Home Security DecoysSummary: Bill Tasker (Mark McKinney) touts the menacing dummies that keep real criminals away.

Note: Repeat from: 10/19/96.

White House For SaleSummary: President Bill Clinton’s (Darrell Hammond) advisor (Chevy Chase) outlines the administration’s desperate fundraising ploys.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole.

Transcript

O.J. Simpson Punitive and Compensatory Damages TelethonSummary: While emceeing his own telethon, O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) seems unfazed and surprised that donations aren’t just rolling in.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson, Mike Tyson, Harry Caray.

The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) & Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) sing a medley at their at niece’s Sweet 16 party.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Transcript

Smokey and the BanditSummary: Re-mastered in time for its 20th anniversary re-release, “Smokey (Darrell Hammond) and the Bandit (Norm MacDonald)” now includes a deleted scene featuring a truck-driving Yoda.

Recurring Characters: Burt Reynolds, Jerry Reed.

Transcript

Charlie RoseSummary: Goat Boy (Jim Breuer) and Cow-Man (Chase) square off on Charlie Rose’s (Mark McKinney) panel discussion.

Recurring Characters: Charlie Rose, Goat Boy, Leslie Abramson.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Colin Quinn comments on the President Clinton/Paula Jones scandal.

Transcript

Live performs “Lakini’s Juice”

7 Action NewsSummary: News anchor Jeff Proctor (Chevy Chase) can’t stop himself from making up false stories.

The ZimmermansSummary: Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura Zimmerman (Cheri Oteri) play First Date to liven up their traditional married life.

Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman.

Fitting RoomSummary: To a man’s (Norm MacDonald) chagrin, a janitor (Will Ferrell) and a store manager (Chevy Chase) peep on his wife (Molly Shannon) as she changes in a fitting room.

Live performs “Heropsychodreamer”

Chopper 4Summary: Mr. Caminetti (Chevy Chase) is vexed when news stand owner Andrew (Mark McKinney) can’t stop talking about Chopper 4.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts