[ SUPER: “Grayson Moorhead Securities. A Tradition of Excellence.” ]
Narrator: On Wall Street, trendy investment fads have come and gone over the years, but not at Grayson Moorhead, where we’ve always stuck to the basic principles set forth by Arthur Grayson nearly 80 years ago.
Arthur Grayson: Our clients must be our first priority.
[ SUPER: “The Tradition Endures” ]
We will take our client’s money and invest it. Part of the profit we will keep for ourselves; the rest we will give to the client.
[ SUPER: “A Tradition of Security” ]
We will make a list of our clients, and how much money each of them has given us to invest. We will keep this list in a safe place. If we have time, we will make a copy of the list, in case something happens to the first list.
[ SUPER: “A Tradition of Listening” ]
Listen to your client. It’s the only way to know what he’s saying.
[ SUPER: “A Tradition of Trust” ]
If a client is talking, and you’re not listening, and he notices, and he accuses you of not listening, just say, “Sure, I’ve been listening, I’ve heard every word you’ve said.” If he then says, “Alright, tell me what I’ve been talking about.” Just say, “You’ve been talking about your investments. Which stocks to buy and so on.” That way the client will think you’ve been listening, even though you haven’t.
[ SUPER: “A Tradition of Integrity” ]
We will invest only in white-owned businesses.
Narrator: Not all of Arthur Grayson’s principles are followed today, but at Grayson Moorhead we still believe in the basics.
Arthur Grayson: Don’t leave the client’s money lying around. Keep it in a safe place. For example: where we keep the list.
[ Cheri Oteri stands bashfully next to David Schwimmer, who’s holding a jar with a few dollar bills inside of it ]
David Schwimmer: So, uh.. Cheri made a little mistake earlier tonight. [ cast members laugh ] Cheri, you know the rules. [ turns the jar around to reveal it has “Swear Jar” written on it; Cheri drops a dollar into it ] Alright. [ Cheri covers her mouth and mimes zipping her lips ] Special thanks to Gary Coleman – Barry Williams – Jimmy Walker – Lisa Kudrow – Jennifer Aniston – and Natalie Merchant! [ places the Swear Jar on the floor ] Thanks, everyone! Good night!
[ open on “Fuzzy Memories” book sitting before a roaring fire ]
Announcer: Fuzzy Memories —
[ hand reaches it to open the book to the first page, labled “by Jack Haney” ]
— by Jack Handey.
[ hand turns the page to an animated visual of the following sequence: Mom and Dad addressing the kids, and the holiday meal that followed ]
Narrator: I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one when we didn’t even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down, and explained that business hadn’t been good at Dad’s store. So we couldn’t afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine.
[ dissolve to the young Jack entering his parents’ bedroom ]
Later, I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom to thank them, and I caught them eating a little turkey. I guess that wasn’t really the best Thanksgiving.
[ return to the first page, as the hand closes the book and returns to the cover ]
Normal Guy…..David Schwimmer Rude Passenger…..Will Ferrell Second Rude Passenger…..Mark McKinney First Gay Guy…..Tim Meadows Second Gay Guy…..Jim Breuer Seemingly Normal Guy…..Norm MacDonald Cute Woman…..Cheri Oteri
[ open on Normal Guy entering a service elevator. One floor later, a woman enters, casually acknowledges her fellow passenger, then gets off at the next floor. On that same floor, a Rude Passenger enters the elevator. As soon as the doors close, he promptly steps in front of the Normal Guy, crowding his space. ]
Normal Guy: [ dismayed ] Can I.. can I help you?
Rude Passenger: No, I’m fine.
[ elevator stops at next floor, as Second Rude Passenger enters, pushes the button for his floor, then crowds onto the other side of the Normal Guy ]
Normal Guy: [ jumps loose ] Okay, what, what, what? What’s going on? There’s a whole elevator here.
Rude Passenger: [ confused ] I’m sorry?
Second Rude Passenger: [ more confused ] Sorry?
Normal Guy: Well, there’s a whole elevator.. it’s just, you know.. most people stick to one side of the elevator or the other!
Second Rude Passenger: Ohhhh, I’m sorry.. you know, I was looking for the Elevator Instructions when I came in here. Where are they posted? I must have missed them.
Rude Passenger: Me, too. Thank God Mr. Elevator Monitor is here to teach us how to stand inside this thing.
Normal Guy: Look, I’m just saying that’s what people do, you know?
[ elevator stops at Rude Passengers’ floor ]
Second Rude Passenger: Well, my floor. You can have your precious elevator back! [ exits ]
Rude Passenger: Yeah, I’d better get out before he calls theElevator Police! [ exits ]
[ Normal Guy is flabbergasted by the episode that just occurred, but remains in the elevator. At the next stop, two gay guys enter and immediately hover into his personal space ]
Normal Guy: [ dumbfounded ] Okay, why? Why? What’s going on here?
First Gay Guy: [ confused ] What.
Normal Guy: Well, I know I don’t own the elevator.. but, you know, it’s a big elevator, right?
First Gay Guy: Right.
Normal Guy: I mean, I’ve seen them bring up, like, huge desks in here. You know, there’s a lot of room over there and over there and over there.. so, why? Why are you here? Why are you on top of me?! You’re standing on top of me, why?
First Gay Guy: We’re gay.
Normal Guy: Ah. O-kay.
Second Gay Guy: You’re straight, right?
Normal Guy: Yeah..
Second Gay Guy: Cool.
[ elevator stops at next floor ]
First Gay Guy: Well, let’s try the other one, Phil. [ they exit ]
[ Seemingly Normal Guy enters the elevator, maintaining a respectabledistance from the Normal Guy ]
Normal Guy: How’s it going?
Seemingly Normal Guy: Good!
Normal Guy: Good.
Seemingly Normal Guy: [ turns around and faces the back wall ]
Normal Guy: Hey? Are you okay?
Seemingly Normal Guy: Yeah, I am.. Hey, you’re not one of themgay elevator guys, are you? You just ditched some of your buddies, there!
Normal Guy: No! No!
Seemingly Normal Guy: Yeah, yeah! Yeah, right.
[ elevator stops at next floor, as two more guys enter and immediately press their body against the back wall just like the Seemingly Normal Guy. Seeing no other recourse but to join the statud quo, the Normal Guy turns around and also faces the wall. At the next stop, all three wall-facing guys exit the elevator, leaving the Normal Guy in that awkward position as a Cute Woman enters ]
Cute Woman: [ concerned by this odd display ] Excuse me?
Normal Guy: Yeah?
Cute Woman: Are you okay?
Normal Guy: What?
Cute Woman: Are you okay?
Normal Guy: [ turns around and realizes the other three guys have left ] Oh..! Oh.. yeah.. I’m fine, it’s just.. [ chuckles, and tries to forget the previous incident ]
Cute Woman: [ smiles ] Um.. could you help me with something?
Normal Guy: Oh, sure. [ Cute Woman jumps into his arms, lockingherself into a more comfortable position, but making him feeling awkward once more ] So, uh.. oh, you’re in Sales, right?
Cute Woman: Uh, no, I’m not.
[ elevator stops at her floor, so she climbs down from Normal Guy’s arms and exits. At that moment, two guys doing handstands hobble into the elevator ]
Voice of Handstand Man: 32, please?
Normal Guy: [ cooperative, despite the situation ] 32? Sure.[ presses the button ]
[ as the elevator doors close, the two guys doing handstands hobble into the Normal Guy’s personal space and crowd him, as scene zooms out ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 21st, 1995 David Schwimmer Natalie Merchant None Adam McKay Lisa Kudrow Jennifer Aniston Gary Coleman Barry Williams Jimmie Walker Jim Downey Colin Quinn ABC News Special ReportSummary: Cokie Roberts (Nancy Walls) covers the action at the Washington, D.C. frat boy march staged by Darius Rucker (Tim Meadows). Recurring Characters: Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, Charlie Sheen.
Montage
David Schwimmer’s MonologueSummary: Lisa Kudrow, Jennifer Aniston, Gary Coleman, Barry Williams and Jimmy Walker surprise David Schwimmer by singing their respective theme songs to support for their friend’s big night hosting SNL. Transcript
Grayson Moorhead Securities ISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines his investment principles, including keeping a list of how much money each client has invested and to feign listening to the client. Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson. Transcript
Kids vs. GrownupsSummary: Game show host (David Schwimmer) favors the adults, and that’s tough cookies for the kids. Transcript
Grayson Moorhead Securities IISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines more of his investment principles, including what to do if his wife cals while he’s shagging his secretary. Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson. Transcript
Rita DelVecchioSummary: Italian mom Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) claims the toys thrown onto her porch by neighborhood kids as her own. Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio. Note: When Rita gets the hockey net tangled in her dress, Cheri Oteri accidentally mutters, “Look at this shit.”
Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls the Thanksgiving his parents told him they couldn’t afford to buy a turkey. Transcript
The ElevatorSummary: A businessman (David Schwimmer) seeks a normal ride up the elevator, only to find that his fellow passengers exhibit odd behaviors once the doors close. Transcript
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Jim Breuer re-enacts his recent bar fight. Indian chief John Two Eagles Flying (Will Ferrell) comments on the Cleveland Indians performance at the World Series.
[ open on Married Couple in their living room, watching TV and making small talk ]
Jimbo: The kids asleep, honey?
Deb: Sound asleep. Oh, Jim, I need you to take Tommy to practice tomorrow, okay?
Jimbo: Okay. Oh.. don’t forget my mother, she’s coming over to dinner Friday.
Deb: Oh. Right.
Jimbo: Did you get the car fixed?
Deb: Yes. It was a lot less than I thought it would be.
Jimbo: Oh, good.. good..
[ slow zoom to pictures on the endtable next to the sofa – camera zooms closer to an old photo of Jim and Debbie, awkwardly dressed, but seemingly happy, at their High School Prom ]
[ flash cut to the High School Prom, fifteen years earlier, as Jim and Debbie pose for that very picture ]
Voice of Photographer: Got it! These will be ready in about two weeks.
Jimbo: Alright, thanks! [ Debbie storms away from the crowd, so he follows ] What’s the matter?
Deb: Nothing!
Jimbo: Deb, I love you, what’s wrong?
Deb: I said nothing, Jimbo, alright?
Jimbo: Come on, Deb! What did I do?
Deb: Okay! How about, I’m the only girl at the Prom wearing a wrist corsage instead of a beautiful bouquet to go with my white taffeta one-of-a-kind gown!
Jimbo: I thought you’d like it! It’s called a “nosebud”!
Deb: Try “nosegay”, ass-and-a-half! And why would you think I would like it! No one else is wearing one! Everyone’s staring at me! Everyone thinks.. oh, my God.. you didn’t even pick it out, did you? [ Jim lowers his head ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Jimbo: My Mom did! She loves you, and I didn’t want to get the wrong thing! Damn!
Deb: Oh, my God!
Jimbo: God! [ punches the air around him ]
Deb: Oh, my God!
Jimbo: Damn! [ punches the air ]
Deb: Excuse me, Rocky Balboa, but I’m embarrassed enough as it is!You cause a scene, and you’re dead! [ music starts to play ] Oh, great! One of my favorite songs!
Jimbo: Come on, Deb, let’s dance.
Deb: No!
Jimbo: Come on, Deb, I love you, let’s dance!
Deb: Okay..
[ they return to the crowd and begin to dance The Robot, despite everyone else dancing normally. Deb starts to cry, then stops dancing. ]
Jimbo: What’s the matter?
Deb: Nothing!
Jimbo: Deb, I love you, what’s wrong?
Deb: Don’t you have any idea what next week is?
Jimbo: Spinks vs. Ali.
Deb: Smooth move, Ex-Lax Perm! Try my birthday!
Jimbo: I know! I was just kidding! You didn’t give me a chance to say “Psyche!” And, besides, I already got my foxy lady a great gift, and I bet you can’t guess what it is.
Deb: I know what it isn’t.
Jimbo: What?
Deb: Try a rabbit fur coat!
Jimbo: [ upset ] Aw, that’s not what Linda said to get!
Deb: Oh, my God! You listened to Linda?!! I’ve only been mad at her for three weeks! You think she’s gonna tell you what I really want?!! Donkeyboy, everybody knows that she’s jealous of me because I’m a fox and she’s not! All she wants to do is copy me! Copy me! Jim, so what did you get me?
Jimbo: [ hesitant ] I..
Deb: Oh, my God! Not another cow neck? [ Jim lowers his head ] Oh, my God! Oh, my god! Oh, my God! I only have 16, butt-wipe! Jimbo, why would you listen to Linda?
Jimbo: I don’t know..
Deb: You never talk to Linda! You don’t even like her.. oh.. my.. God! That’s it. You like her. You like her..
Jimbo: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I cannot even believe you’d say that! Oh, my God!
Deb: You like her.
Jimbo: Oh, my God!
Deb: You like her.
Jimbo: Oh, my God!
Deb: I’m sorry, Jimbo! I’m sorry! Now I wish I were dead!
Jimbo: No! Oh, my God! Don’t even say that!
Deb: No, Jimbo, it’s true! I want to O.D. on my mother’s valium right now!
Jimbo: Oh, my God, you’re scaring me! I love you!
Deb: I love you!
Jimbo: It’ll be okay!
Deb: I love you, Jimbo! Oh, God! [ music starts to play ] Oh, great.. another one of my favorite songs!
Jimbo: Come on, future rabbit fur owner. Let’s dance!
[ they return to the dance floor to perform more Robot-like dance moves – until Deb walks away from the floor again ]
Jimbo: Deb, what’s wrong? [ she smiles ] Why are you smiling like that?
Deb: Jimbo, there’s something I want to tell you. Wait a second.. [ she applies lipstick, the tosses back her hair ]
Jimbo: Deb, you look just like Farrah Fawcett when you do that.
Deb: I know! Jimbo, I love you.. more than I could ever love anyone.. and tonight, after the Prom, I’m ready to show you just how much!
Jimbo: Oh, my God, Deb! Are you serious!
Deb: Yes, Jimbo! Tonight.. I want to give you a B.J.!
Bob Costas…..Darrell Hammond Mike Ditka…..David Koechner O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows Marv Levy…..Will Ferrell
[ title animation plays on the screen ]
Announcer: This is “The NFL on NBC.” For week 6, with Bob Costas.
[ dissolve to Bob Costas in the game booth ]
Bob Costas: Good afternoon, everybody. I’m Bob Costas, and we’ve got a full slate of games for you. And! With me, as always – Mike Ditka. [ wide shot reveals Mike Ditka in the booth with Bob Costas ]
Mike Ditka: Good to see you, Bob.
Bob Costas: Those of you on the East Coast, you’ll be getting our featured game – the New York Jets visiting the Buffalo Bills. And! Reporting from the sidelines in Bridge Stadium today, back with us once again – O.J. Simpson. Juice. Juice, welcome back.
[ cut to O.J. Simpson standing on the sidelines, holding up his microphone with a gloved hand ]
O.J. Simpson: Yeah, well, thanks, Bob! Well, the Jets — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Well, as you know, Bob, well, the Jets, they’ve gotten off to a rough start. But you’ve gotta throw off the one-loss record, because there is no love lost between these two teams! [ O.J. nonchalantly waves his other hand to reveal a missing glove ]
Bob Costas: Okay. By the way, O.J. We’re all sorry about your.. year-and-a-half incarceration.
O.J. Simpson: Yeah, well, thanks, Bob. And, by the way, if anyone knows, or has any information about the identity of the murderer, just call 1-600-MURDER. It’s important that we find the murderer — [ the audience cheers wildly again ] It’s important that we find the murderer. After all, if I didn’t do it, that means someone else did. Alright, well, the teams are almost ready to take the field, and, Bob, they look pretty pumped. Right now, I’ve got Bills coach Marv Levy here. [ Marv Levy steps forward ] Marv, you guys are 3-1 – you must be feeling real good right now.
Marv Levy: [ nervous about being interviewed by O.J. ] Uh.. sure, we feel okay.
O.J. Simpson: Now, Marv, the last time you guys played the Jets, you really killed them! I mean, you guys really went for the jugular!
Marv Levy: Well.. we did win the game..
O.J. Simpson: Yeah, but you know, these two teams, they have a long ugly history. It was only a matter of time before you destroyed them. A lot of people saw this coming for a long time. I mean, all the warning signs were there!
Marv Levy: [ confused ] What?
O.J. Simpson: Well, you know, like you were out of control, or something. You guys were hitting late. You commited one crazy face mask penalty, but.. you got away with it. It was like you just put aside the rules and put matters into your own hands. Like, it was the kind of brutalizing effort that must have made you feel good, but kinda bad, too.
Marv Levy: Uh.. uh.. I-I-I wouldn’t say that, I don’t think..
O.J. Simpson: But, you know, who could blame you? You guys were on a frenzy! I mean, once the adrenaline gets going, you’re not responsible for your actions! Oh, by the way – did you black out at any time?
Marv Levy: I-I’m sorry..?
O.J. Simpson: Now, in the second half, it was brutal! I mean, it was the kind of game where, afterwards, you just want to take off your uniform and dump ’em in a duffel bag, and just get rid of ’em before you catch the Red out of Chicago.
Marv Levy: Uh, we-we never played Chicago..
O.J. Simpson: Well, whatever. But, I guess the real question is: Marv, you beat the Jets, but, in a weird way, do you still love ’em?
Marv Levy: Uh.. I-I can’t answer that, O.J.
O.J. Simpson: Alright, guys, you got any comments?
Mike Ditka: Yeah, sorry we didn’t make it to your, uh, Not Guilty barbecue, O.J., but we’re, uh, glad to have you back on the sidelines and not in the booth.
O.J. Simpson: Okay, well, let’s go the telestrater now. Here’s a play that your offense has been going over a lot this year. [ takes out pen and draws on telestrater ] Now, you lined up your halfback right behind your quarterback — [ draws a line going up on the center of the upper part of the screen ( I ) ] — your tight end has been running a curl pattern — [ draws a line going down and around on the far right center of the screen ( d ) ] — Now, when Kelly fakes play action, the defense is frozen.. [ on the bottom right of the screen, he draws a line going up and a line going across it for the block ( T )] — allowing you a Wide open to be open on the other side — [ draws a squiggly pattern on the far left center of the screen ( d ) ] — opening a hole in the middle.. [ draws a line on the bottom of the screen ( I ) ] — and a seam on the left — [ draws final line in the middle ( I ), spelling the words “I DID IT” on the telestrater ]
Marv Levy: [ stunned, appalled and scared ] I really gotta go! I gotta go! [ runs away ]
O.J. Simpson: Okay! Well, I’ll just watch from a distance, alright?
[ cut to Bob Costas in the booth ]
Bob Costas: O.J., O.J. Why don’t you just.. come.. right out and say it?
O.J. Simpson: Alright. It hurts to admit this, but, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Chevy Chase: Thank you very much. It’s great to be back here. You know, tonight is just four days short of being 20 years to the day that I opened the first show by saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.” It holds a lot of memories for me.. and I’m nostalgic. There are a lot of ghosts in this studio. [ reflecting ] I can remember that first night, when I was over there on Stage 3 with John and Michael O’Donoghue.. we were getting ready to do the opening, and I remember Gilda was standing over here.. Jane.. and Danny and Garrett were over there, and, uh.. Laraine was in her costume, and it was just unbelievable. I was backstage over here. And, uh.. [ removes his glasses ] ..My heart was pounding, and I remember thinking at that moment, “This is a dream come true.” It was a great, great time.. And I remember the song.. that wonderful song, “When You Wish Upon a Star”.. uh.. as sung by Jiminy Cricket..
[ puts on his Jiminy Cricket face and sings ] “When you wish upon a star Makes no difference who you are. When you wish upon a star Your dreams come true.”
Thank you! Thank you very much! We’ve got a great show for you tonight, Lisa Loeb is here, and we’ll be right back!
[ KATIE, a 30-something career woman, comes in and shakes hands with our NARRATOR. ]
Narrator: I remember the day Katie came to work at Blair Fashion. We clicked right away! What a little pistol she was!! So much energy!
[ Katie guides the seamstresses in the factory. ]
Narrator (V/O): Sometimes she’d create two, or even three, dresses in one day.
[ The narrator peeks over to Katie in mild scorn, who’s working to little or no difficulty. ]
Narrator: She made quite an impression on our head designer.
[ Katie presents a dress design to the board. The narrator grimaces as the head designer and his colleagues laud Katie’s creation. ]
Narrator: It’s hard to keep up with Katie.
[ The narrator taps her wristwatch at Katie’s desk to indicate lunchtime to Katie as the large clock behind her displays 11:55 AM. Katie politely declines. ]
Narrator (V/O): After a while, she got too busy to have lunch with me.
[ The large clock displays 10:17 PM. The cleaning woman buffers the floor. Katie’s still hammering away at her desk. ]
Narrator (V/O): She was kind of making us all look bad…
[ Katie takes measurements on a model wearing her design. A migraine hits Katie. ]
Narrator (V/O): One day I noticed Katie really stressed out.
[ Katie massages her forehead. ]
Narrator: That’s when I suggested Lobotol.
[ CLOSE-UP: HAND DISPENSING “LOBOTOL” ]
[ SUPER: NO NEED TO CONSULT A PHYSICIAN BEFORE USE. ]
[ The narrator holds Katie’s hand holding two Lobotol pills to her mouth until she swallows them. Katie gives in. ]
Narrator: My husband gave it to me when he thought I was asking too many questions… it practically saved our marriage.
[ SUPER: THREE WEEKS LATER… ]
Narrator (V/O): A few weeks later, Katie was much better!
[ The narrator is wearing a more elite business suit and giving directions to the employees. ]
Narrator: Thanks to Lobotol, not only did I get my friend back, but I also got a raise! Careful, Katie!
[ Katie is covered in tulle from head to toe. She scans the room with a vacant mind. ]
[ DISPLAY: LOBOTOL ]
[ SUPER: USE ONLY AS RECOMMENDED BY A “FRIEND” ]
Announcer: Lobotol – now available without a prescription.
Chevy Chase: [ with his arms wrapped around Lisa Loeb and Don Novello; faces Lisa ] Thank you very much, Lisa Loeb. [ turns to face Don ] Thank you, Don. [ looks around, confused ] What happened to Mariel? Thank you. Mariel! Thank you, cast! Thank you, Lorne! I had a great time.
Air Date:
