Trump Impeachment Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Gordon Sondland… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a helicopter ready to fly]

Media reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President, here.

[Starts with Donald Trump walks in front of the reporters] [Cheers and applause]

Right here, Mr. President. Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!

Donald Trump: Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions for me about this impeachment nonsense. And I’d love to answer every single one of them. Believe me, I do. But as you can see from this very loud running helicopter behind me, I’m in a big hurry right now, so I don’t really have the time. But, everything is perfect, okay? Thanks for all your questions. And I really should be heading out right now.

Cecily: Wait, Mr. President, [Cut to the reporters] just a few questions.

Kyle: Can you comment on Mr. Sondland’s damning testimony with your illegal dealings with Ukraine?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear your because of this lousy chopper behind me. But it sounds like you said Sondland’s testimony completely exonerated me, and I totally agree. I actually wrote down notes from his testimony that proves my innocence. I used the biggest, fattest, blackest magic markers I could find. I love black magic markers by the way. I know most people use sharpies, they smell like liquor. Like I was saying, I got to go to Michigan right now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Cecily: Exactly which part of Sondland’s testimony proves your innocence?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s right here in my notes of super important conversations I have had. I’ll read one but then I’ve got to split, okay? This is me and ambassador Sondland talking. He says to me, “What do you want?” And I answer, “Two large pies. Extra cheese, extra soft—” No, wait. That’s a different phone call. Oh, here it is. I said to Sondland, “I want nothing, no quid pro quo, bro.” See? It’s right here in black. Case closed. Okay? I have to get on this chopper now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Mikey: Hold on, Mr. President. That wasn’t the only conversation you have had with ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter. I told him no quid pro quo at least once. Any quid after that is on them. That’s how it works. Like when you meet a girl and say, “If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.” Besides, I don’t know this ambassador Sondland guy. That’s fake news.

[Cut to the reporters]

Kyle: But he’s donated a million dollars to your inauguration.

Cecily: And you appointed him to the E.U.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I know him, but I don’t know him, know him. I never like, met him in person. Look, I would love to exchange but this battery on this chopper is going to die very, very soon.

[Gordon Sondland walks in]

I’m holding everybody up, okay?

Gordon Sondland: No.

Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, it’s you, ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to the reporters]

Heidi: Mr. Trump. Can you at least elaborate on your comments yesterday on ‘Fox & friends’ where you said, “Adam Schiff wasthe whistleblower?”

[Cut to Donald Trump and Gordon Sondland]

Donald Trump: No, no, no. I never said he was the whistleblower, okay? It’s so great to finally meet you for the first time by the way.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, right, right. Keep the quid pro quo on the low-low, got it?

Donald Trump: Anyways, I just was leaving.

Gordon Sondland: Hang on. I want to go on the record and say you guys need to lay off my boy. Everybody loves his ass.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Gordon Sondland: Ukraine, Russia—

Donald Trump: That’s enough, that’s enough.

Gordon Sondland: They’ll do anything for this man. I know. I asked.

Donald Trump: Alright. I gotta go. In conclusion, no quid pro quo.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, there definitely was.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Days of Our Impeachment Cold Open

Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat

Jim Jordan… Mikey Day

Marie Yovanovitch… Cecily Strong

Bill Taylor

Rudy Guiliani… Kate McKinnon

Gordon Sondland… Kyle Mooney

Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with an intro]

Announcer: This week, 13 million Americans tuned in to watch the impeach hearings, as multiple officials testified against President Trump. But some complained the hearings were ‘lacking in pizzazz,’ ‘dull,’ and ‘not the masked singer.’ So to make sure people are paying attention, we now present the hearings in a way that underscores how scandalous these revelations really are. This is… “Days of our Impeachment”, where only thing at stake is democracy. Starring Adam Schiff.

Adam Schiff: Excitement, emotion and none of it from me.

Announcer: The cross examiner with a mysterious brain injury, Jim Jordan.

Jim Jordan: I got my sleeves rolled up because my job is yelling at a woman.

Announcer: The former ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch.

Marie Yovanovitch: Why did Trump come after me? I committed the ultimate sin. I was good at my job.

Announcer: And Jon Hamm as career diplomatic, Bill Taylor.

Bill Taylor: I don’t just kiss and tell. I kiss and tell, and I take notes.

Announcer: Like the real timeline, this is Days Of Our Impeachment.

[Cut to the impeachment]

Adam Schiff: Ordering the chamber, ambassador Yovanovitch, your opening statement?

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Thank you, chairman Schiff. If that is your real name.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: It is.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, great. I’m only here today because I was a target of a smear campaign by President Trump and Rudy Giuliani that left me publicly humiliated and without a job.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Enough! Enough! This witness is clearly here because she loves attention.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yeah. I love the glamor and the spotlight. That’s why I spent my career in Ukraine and Somalia.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Funny you should mention Solamia. Because the president—[suspicious sound] [Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Is right behind me? Is that why you look so shocked?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: No. This is just how my eyes look. The president just sent a tweet.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi behind her.]

Heidi: A tweet? Oh! [Heidi faints] [Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Let the record show the President is intimidating the witness.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Intimidating? If the president wanted to intimidate you, he’d shoot you in the face in the 5th avenue.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]

Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, and then would you impeach him?

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Well, we would have to look  at the facts but no.

[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch. Bill Taylor walks to the seat near her.]

Bill Taylor: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Bill Taylor?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: What are you dong here?

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: Unlike the people in the Trump administration, I show up. And I have a bombshell revelation. There was a second phone call.

[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi]

Heidi: A second phone call? [Heidi faints again] [Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: That’s right. You knew about the first call but no one expected phone call number two.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in]

Rudy Giuliani: Did someone say unexpected number two?

Bill Taylor: Rudy Giuliani?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. Mercury is in retro grade so my powers are at an all time high. And I have an insurance policy in case the president turns against me. I’m going to die in a mysterious boat explosion.

Bill Taylor: You’re going to fake your own death.

Rudy Giuliani: Fake it? Oh, great! I’ll do that.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: The show critics are calling “necessary to get people’s attention,” and “the first soap where you can’t imagine any of the people in it having sex.”

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: The chair now recognizes–

Unknown voice: Not so fast!

[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Mitch McConnell]

Marie Yovanovitch: Mitch McConnell?

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. And the senate has voted. Acquitted.

Bill Taylor: But this matter is not even before the senate yet.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, sorry. Sorry for the spoiler. Just tell me when I’m supposed to say it. Acquitted.

[Cut to everybody]

Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Rudy, you’re facing the wrong direction.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, where? Oh, where the cameras at? Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: You had a new revelation, too?

Rudy Giuliani: No. I meant, not so fast like, don’t talk so fast. I’m having trouble understanding what’s happening. Normally I watch fox news in low motion with the sound turned up to 100.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: A ‘ridiculous melodrama’ that ‘somehow less crazy than what’s really happening in our government.’

[Cut to Bill Taylor]

Bill Taylor: Gordon Sondland told me Trump was withholding aid to get political dirt on Biden. I rarely say this as a diplomat, but I told him that was cuckoo-doo-doo-nut-sack-bananas.

Gordan Sondland: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Ambassador Gordon Sondland?

Gordan Sondland: That’s right. I’m part of this too. And I know that I said in earlier testimony that there was no quid pro quo. But that’s because I had amnesia. My amnesia is fine again and I remember, there was a quid pro quo.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi: Aladin phrase? [Heidi faints again]

Michael Avenatti: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: That’s right. I’m that name you just said. I have a bombshell that will change everything. The president had an affair. [suspicious sound]

Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yes. We know.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you do?

Bill Taylor: That story is from like last season.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, alright. Very well. [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Then maybe this will interest you. The affair was with a porn star. [suspicious sound] [Cut to everybody]

Marie Yovanovitch: Yes, but we know. No one seems to care.

Michael Avenatti: Oh, really? Oh, damn! Alright. Oh fine, I’ll go. You haven’t seen the last of me. Who am I playing again?

Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti.

Michael Avenatti: Michael Avocado.

[Cut to the show intro]

Announcer: And featuring the telenovela sensation, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: This hearing is lacking one thing. A star. That is why you need Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.

Man: Alexandria. I didn’t expect to see you here.

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: And I din’t expect you to be such a low key daddy. Now, here’s a red new deal. It’s my lips.

[They kiss] [Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Okay. What? Chairman? I object.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: I’ll allow it.

[Cut to Myles Garrett, Bill Taylor and Marie Yovanovitch]

Myles Garrett : Enough!

Marie Yovanovitch: Wait. The guy with the helmet?

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: That’s right. I have seen enough. I am tired of being falsely accused. You see, what had happened was I saw another player who had lost his helmet somehow and I thought, “Oh, he should be wearing a helmet.” So, I attempted to put it back on his head.

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Mr. Garrett, you are on trial here.

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: Oh, I know. President Trump just pardoned me too for the warcraft. He said I could bring a helmet to Afghanistan and just go nuts. Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.

Marie Yovanovitch: It’s Rudy Giuliani’s evil twin.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, no, just regular Rudy. I tried to do that thing where you hold up a magnifying glass and say I’m going to look into that but instead I grabbed a hammer. I took my own eye off. Not my best day. Not my worst.

[Cut to Myles Garrett]

Myles Garrett: Oh my god, it’s a bad person. [Myles Garrett hits Rudy Giuliani with his helmet]

Bill Taylor: Is Rudy okay?

Rudy Giuliani: I think he might have fixed me. But to find it, you’ll have to tune in next time on—

Everybody: Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!