Michael Cohen Hearing Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 14

Rep. Elijah Cummings … Kenan Thompson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Jim Jordan… Bill Hader

Jackie Speier… Heidi Gardner

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Rep. Paul Gosar… Kyle Mooney

Rep. Mark Meadows… Alex Moffat

[Starts with C-SPAN channel program schedule]

Narrator: You’re watching C-Span. Sorry, I read that wrong. You’re watching C-Span? We now tune into congressional oversight committee hearing where president Trump’s personal lawyer, [Cut to Michael Cohen Testimony house oversight committee] Michael Cohen is about to give sworn testimony.

[Cut to congressmen and congresswomen sitting for the testimony] [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: All rise. All right. I would like to get this hearing under way. I want this to stay professional. Okay? If you hear something outrageous, please do not ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ah’. This is not ‘Married with Children’. Also, I’m told that I should tease this, because it’s all anyone cares about anyone. Coming up, a performance by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She smiles, winks and greets.] [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

All right. Now, for any other president, this hearing would be the most damning and humiliating moment of their lives, but for Trump it’s just Wednesday. So, please welcome our witness, Mr. Michael Cohen. [Cut to Michael Cohen takes seat] Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Cohen.

[Michael Cohen trying to figure out who is talking to him]

Michael Cohen: Sorry, who said that?

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m right here. I’m right here in front of you.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Elijah Cummings at the left and Michael Cohen at the right]

Michael Cohen: Oh, there you are. All right. Thank you.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Now, Mr. Cohen, I understand you would like to read a prepared statement.

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. If it pleases the court.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m not a judge. I’m a congressman. And Mr. Cohen, you wrote this statement yourself?

Michael Cohen:  Yes. But I had some help from the guys who wrote ‘Green Book’.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. You may begin.

Michael Cohen: Ladies and gentlemen of jury.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Not a court.

Michael Cohen: Thank you [Cut to Michael Cohen] for inviting me here today to correct the record under oath. Of course, the first time I testified was also under oath. But this time, I like, really mean it. I’m here today to tell you that Mr. Trump is a racist. [Michael Cohen pauses expecting reaction from the committee] Wow. I thought there would be a bigger reaction. But he’s also a con man and a cheat. And to prove it, I’m providing the committee today with several documents. This is a check that Mr. Trump wrote me as reimbursement for ‘hush’ money paid to Stormy Daniels. [Cut to Donald Trump’s check of $35,000 named to Michael Cohen] [Cut to Michael Cohen] And this is a copy of the check I wrote to miss Daniels. [Cartoon check of $130,000 named to Stephine Clifford, a.k.a Stormy Daniels] [Cut to Michael Cohen] I’m also including a copy of the threatening letter I sent to Mr. Trump’s high school, warning them not to release his SAT scores. In conclusion, I know that I was wrong. And I know it because I got caught. For too many years, I was loyal to a man when I should not have been, now I know how Khloe Kardashian feels.  But now, I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel. I’m cold and I’m ashamed and lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Thank you.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Great. Now, I’d like to open the floor so the republicans can get angry at everyone except the president. The chair recognizes the congressman from Ohio, Mr. Jordan.

[Cut to Jim Jordan very angry]

Jim Jordan: Good afternoon, Mr. Chariman. Good afternoon to you, you lying piece of [yelling] human trash!

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Thank you, I really appreciate that. [Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him]

Jim Jordan: Where are you looking? I’m right here!

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey. Great. Thank you.

Jim Jordan: Mr. Chairman, you’re right. I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to sit here through this two-bit dirt bag flee circus. [Cut to Jim Jordan] I’m so angry I couldn’t even wear a jacket today. You know something, Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] I’ve never even heard of you!

Michael Cohen: Your mother has.

Jim Jordan: Hey, hey, hey. You don’t sass me, with your liar mouth. Oh, I’m about to [yelling] pop off! You have been working in some of the sleaziest circles in America for years. What other criminals and lowlifes have you worked for?

Michael Cohen: I was the deputy finance chairman for the republican party.

Jim Jordan: What? Is that true? Oh, Damn it. I yield of the rest of my time.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. The chair recognizes the congresswoman from California, Mrs. Speier.

[Cut to Jackie Speier]

Jackine Speier: Yeah, I would like to yield my time back to Jim Jordan, so he can continue digging his own grave.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Aw, damn it! Okay. Fine, fine. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Mr. Cohen—[Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him] I’m right here! I’m right in front of you!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry, Mr. Cohen. Are you having trouble identifying where sounds are coming from?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: I am. Thank you.

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Jim Jordan: Unreal. Mr. Cohen, why are we supposed to believe you now? I mean, you lied about Trump being a good guy. You lied about Trump not committing any crimes. You lied about Trump not– damn it, I’m doing it again. [Cut to Jim Jordan] Come back to me. Damn it! Idiot!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: The chair recognizes the congresswoman from Florida. Mrs. Wasserman Schultz.

[Cut to Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz]

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Yes, hello. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Hold for groans. Hold for groans. Mr. Cohen, for this portion of the hearing, I would like us both to lean into our New York accents so hard, that our viewers will think they’re stuck line at Zabar’s. Is that all right?

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Forget about it.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Thank you chairman. I yield rest of my time to Jim Jordan as a prank on him.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Oh, [yelling] come on! Okay fine. You want to prank? I’m going to quote directly from the southern district document against Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Okay, Mr. Cohen appears to have lost his moral compass. Burn! Mr. Cohen has pled guilty to a smorgasbord a fraudulent activity.

Michael Cohen: Yeah, and right after that it says, “At the direct of President Trump.”

Jim Jordan: It does? [yelling] Oh, damn it. [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings] Come back to me.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, I absolutely will. The congressman recognizes the congressman from Arizona. Mr. Gosar.

[Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar]

Rep. Paul Gosar: Yeah, I just want to say one thing, Mr. Cohen. You are a path– pathro- pathlo– pathological [yelling] liar. You don’t even know truth from frictionals.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Excuse me?

Rep. Paul Gosar: Hey, [yelling] no! I’m trucking here. When it’s your truck, you truck! You are the liar. That has been estabrished. [Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar] That’s why I put this up. [There’s a poster of Michael Cohen that says ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire’] Liar, liar, pants are fire. [yelling] Do you know what that means?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Honesly, not really. I’m having trouble understanding a lot what you are saying.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Rep. Paul Gosar: I will tell you what it means, Mr. Lohan. It means if you lie, pants are fire. If you truth, pants are goof.

Michael Cohen: Do you need medical attention?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Wow, that was out standing. The chair recognizes the congressman from North Carolina.

[Cut to Rep. Mark Meadows]

Rep. Mark Meadows: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Now, I couldn’t help but hear Mr. Cohen call the president a racist. But it just so happens that I brought with me a black woman [Ego Nwodim comes in] and she works for Trump, don’t you? [Ego Nwodim nods her head] Uh-huh. Her name is Omarosa.

Ego Nwodim: No, no.

Rep. Mark Meadows: And she has stood by Trump’s side since the first season of the apprentice.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that is not me. Can I leave?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, yes. Absolutely. Save yourself because I am shutting this down right now so I can give a quick sermon to call everybody in this room a damn fool. Because you all have lost your damn minds. But this hearings has been going on for seven hours so let’s take a break and then, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will probably do a dance, is that right?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: No, I was going to ask carefully researched questions.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Yeah, clearly that is not what today is about. Mr. Cohen, any final words?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. Look, maybe I’m not a good person. Maybe I’m a liar. Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe I ruined hundreds of people’s lives.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry. Is there a but coming?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: No, there isn’t Thank you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Women of Congress | Season 44 Episode 12

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Annie Kuster… Aidy Bryant

Abigail Spanberger… Heidi Gardner

Rashida Tlaib… Halsey

[Starts with intro of Women of Congress]

Narrator: Once upon a time, there were women. And then they became fed up women. And then they became congress women. They fight crime, they right wrongs. They wear white. But they\re not all white and we love them. They’re the Women of Congress! Featuring [Cut to Nancy Pelosi clapping] Nancy ‘Madam Clap Back’ Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: I’m so woke. I can’t close my eyes.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez using her mobile phone]

Narrator: Alexandria ‘I Say What I meme’ [Alexandria throws her phone to hit the security guard] Ocasio-Cortez.

Melissa Villaseñor: You’retrying to rip apart my green new deal. Leave me alone, I will dog walk you.

[Cut to Maxine Waters showing off her kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Maxine ‘Don’t Go Chasing’ Waters.

Maxine Waters: They call me auntie Maxine but I’m gonna make Trump say ‘Uncle’.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema]

Narrator: Kyrsten ‘Kookie Arizona Lady’ Sinema.

Kyrsten Sinema: I used to be in the house. But now I’m in the senate. I’m bicameral, bipartisan, and bi. Deal with it.

[Cut to Ilhan Omar climbing the building from the outside]

Narrator: Ilhan ‘Get The Hi-Job Done’ Omar.

Ilhan Omar: I’m a proud Muslim woman and proud American. When Ted Cruz sees me, he crosses the street.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Narrator: Annie ‘Raise the Roof ’Kuster.

[Annie raising her hand up and down]

Annie Kuster: Raise the roof! And break that glass ceiling.

[Cut to Abigail Spanberger showing her Kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Abigail, ‘Say My Name, Say My Name’ Spanberger.

Abigail Spanberger: My opponents thought he could hurt me by saying a vote for me was a vote for Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy joins Abigail]

Nancy Pelosi: Uh-huh. How did that work out? Good?

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Narrator: And Rashida ‘Impeach The Mother****’ Tlaib.

Rashida Tlaib: Impeach the mother** [Bleep]. Bitch!

Narrator: They are the Women of Congress.

[Cut to video clip of White house] [Cut to all Women of Congress inside a room]

Nancy Pelosi: Ladies, this is a message from President Trump.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi playing the voice message]

Donald Trump: Congratulations, women of congress. You know, since I’ve been president, we have more women serving in congress than ever before.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Annie Kuster: You don’t get to take credit for that.

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Rashida Tlaib: That is not because of you. That’s in spite of you!

[Cut to everyone complaining out loud] [Cut to Rashida Tlaib breaks the speaker from there the message isplayin] [Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: And you’re not rich!

[Cut to outro of The Women of Congress]

Narrator: They are the women of congress!