Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon
Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference] [cheers and applause]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]
Aidy: Welcome to a bar.
Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?
Aidy: You actually do not.
Beck: Great! [opens his mask]
Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.
Beck: No, I’m not.
Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.
Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.
Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.
Beck: And scene.[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]
Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.
Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.
Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?
Ego: You know I do, king.
Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]
Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?
Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.
Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]
Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?
Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.
Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.
Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]
Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.[both of them pull their masks off]
Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.
Andrew: So, mask back on?
Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.
Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?
Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.[Kyle walks in]
Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]
Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.
Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.
Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.
Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.
Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.[Cut to Cecily and Chris]
Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?
Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.
Chris: But do I need to be a parent?[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]
Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.
Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.
Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.
Heidi: And one of us is a baby.
Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?
Kenan: And go![four of them start shuffling their places] [Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]
Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.
Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.
Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.
Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini
Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.
Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.
Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.[other casts join\
All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.