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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Restaurant Sex Talk

Bill…..Phil Hartman
Bob…..John Larroquette
Jackie…..Victoria Jackson
Cheryl…..Nora Dunn
Patron…..Tom Davis
Patron…..Andy Murphy

[ open on Bill and Bob sitting at a table for four at a classy restaurant ]

Bill: I think when the girls get back from the powder room, we’d better order.

Bob: Yes, yes. Listen, I’m really sorry Jackie and I were so late.

Bill: Oh, no problem. It’s just that Cheryl and I thought something might have happened with the car.

Bob: Ah, it’s not what happened with the car, it’s what happened in the car!

Bill: I’m sorry?

Bob: Well, I don’t know what Cheryl likes doing in the car, but Jackie really gets off on the danger! [ laughs ]

Bill: Good for you.

Jackie: Hi, fellas! We were just having a little girl talk. What were you guys chatting about?

Bill: Uh.. about what we should order.

Bob: Well, actually, we were just talking about why we were late!

Jackie: Oh, well, so were we!

Bob: Well, you see, what happened was, as I was getting in the car, Jackie got a shot of my derriere, and, well, she just couldn’t help yourself!

Jackie: Me? I think someone got it backwards.

Bob: Well, I believe somebody did get it backward! [ laughs ]

Bill: Yes. Maybe we should just order.

Cheryl: Yes, I think I’m getting the Caeser salad and a blackened redfish.

Bill: I’m going with the scampi.

Jackie: Mmm.. sex makes me so hungry!

Bill: B-b-but, I can’t believe you were able to get four house seats to “Phantom of the Opera”.

Bob: Yeah, I got them from Ned Cheney, you know he handles all the pulic relations for the Shuman Theaters.

Cheryl: That’s a handy person to know.

Bob: We stayed at his summer house in East Hampton last year.

Cheryl: Oh, how lovely.

Bob: Yeah, it’s funny, though, we almost turned down the invite. We can’t stay in the same house with another couple.

Jackie: We like to walk around in the nude.

Bob: And we’re very loud, if you know what I mean! You know what, but it turned out he had a guest house.

Jackie: And a swimming pool! Oh, first day we were there –

Bob: This is a funny story! [ laughs ]

Jackie: First day we’re there, wee’re making it in the pool –

Bob: We turned around, and one of his kids is watching us.

Jackie: Now, this little boy is about four years old, and he thinks Bob is huirting me bvecaus –

Bob: Because Jackie’s moaning so loud!

Jackie: [ laughing ] Anyway.. the whole weekend, the little boy followed me around trying to protect me from Bob. Isn’t that cute?

Cheryl: Bill and I broke a bed once.

Bill: [ laughs uncomfortably ]

Bob: A bed, huh? Last week, we broke a sink!

Jackie: Hell! I broke a bed once masturbating!

Bob: Of course, I was watching!

Cheryl: Excuse me, I’m very happy that the two of you share an active sex life –

Bill: Honey..

Cheryl: No, no, I have something to say. Bill and I also have a very full sexual relationship. We make love with great frequency, and, I daresay, with a fair amount of variation, more so than you might imagine.

Bill: Honey, I think that –

Cheryl: Bill! But we do not feel the need to share Bill’s prowess or my voice level with business associates or the general public at large!

Bob: I’m sorry. You’re absolutely right. You see.. Jackie and I have been having a lot of.. problems.. lately. In fact, we’ve been, um.. seeing a couples therapist. He seems to think that we both have a great.. deal of difficulty with.. intimacy.

Jackie: It seems that the only way we’re capable of expressing intimacy is through sex..

Cheryl: You don’t have to explain.. I’m very sorry.

Bob: You see, we both grew up in homes where there was very ltitle.. display of affection, if any. Well, mine more than yours, really, though..

Jackie: [ breaks into tears, runs to the bathroom ]

Cheryl: Oh, God, I’m sorry.. I’m gonna go apologize to her right away..

Bob: No, no, no, that’s alright, I’d better go talk to her.

Cheryl: I feel really stupid.

Bill: Well, honey, you said what you felt. I hope she’s okay. Do you think we’re going to go to the show?

Cheryl: Well, I guess that’s not really that important now.

Bill: I guess not.

Waiter: Would you care to order now?

Cheryl: I think we should wait..

Bill: Yes. We’re going to..

[ suddenly, we hear Bob and Jackie making sexual sounds from the bathroom ]

Bill: [ uncomfortable ] W-w-w-waiter! Waiter! The two of us!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Come Back To Carbon Paper

Boss…..Phil Hartman
Female Employee….Victoria Jackson

[ show Female Employee talking to a client on the phone, as her boss peers down at her ]

Boss: I need three copies by five o’clock. Don’t let me down now.

[ wall clock reveals the time to be 4:45 in the afternoon ]

Female Employee: Five o’clock..?

Second Employee: I hope you weren’t planning on using the copier, dear – we’re all out of toner!

Female Employee: Well, what about..

Third Employee: ..the one downstairs? The man will be here next Thursday.

Female Employee: Well, then I’ll just have to use..

Fourth Employee: ..the laser-printer? Good luck!

Third Employee: Now, what you could do is type it up here, stick it in the fax machine, fax it to Houston, they fax it to Chicago, then they both fax it back here – then, you’ve got three copies!

Second Employee: But what about resolution?

Fourth Employee: Doesn’t matter, she’ll never make it!

Female Employee: I need a miracle..

[ suddenly, the skies light up around her, as a piece of carbon paper floats down from the heavens ]

Carbon paper!

[ the clock now reads five o’clock ]

[ Female Employee hands the three carbon copies to the Boss ]

Female Employee: Here they are, sir!

Boss: Well, they don’t look so hot.. but you did beat the deadline! Nice work!

[ Female Employee wipes the sweat from her brow, leaving a carbon stain on her forehead ]

Announcer: Come back… to carbon paper. Please? We’re dying out here.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Vote Bush III

[ show each President’s head encircled over a North European country ]

Announcer: Franklin Delano Roosevelt was of white northern European heritage.

Thomas Jefferson was of white northern European heritage.

John F. Kennedy was of white northern European heritage.

George Herbert Walker Bush is of white northern European heritage.

[ show Dukakis’ encircled just above the Mediterranean Sea ]

But Michael Dukakis?

Bush. He’s whiter.

[ SUPER: “Bush. He’s Whiter.” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Vote Bush II

[ show each President’s head in front of an American flag ]

Announcer: John F. Kennedy’s parents were born in America.

Abraham Lincoln’s parents were born in America.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s parents were born in America.

George Bush’s parents were born in America.

[ show Dukakis’ head in front of a Greek flag ]

But Michael Dukakis’ parents?

Bush. His parents were born in America.

[ SUPER: “Bush. His parents were born in America.” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3

88c: John Larroquette / Randy Newman

Vote Bush I

[ show image of each President standing before a police line-up replica ]

Announcer: John F. Kennedy was six-foot-one.

Abraham Lincoln was six-foot-five.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was six-foot-one.

George Bush is six-foot-two.

But Michael Dukakis is five-foot-five-and-a-half.

Bush. He’s taller.

[ SUPER: “Bush. He’s Taller.” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 22nd, 1988

John Larroquette

Randy Newman

None

Mark Knopfler

Tom Davis

Andy Murphy
Alien DukakisRecurring Characters: Michael Dukakis.

Transcript

Montage

John Larroquette’s MonologueSummary: An egotistical John Larroquette declares himself “King of the Studio”, and dares anyone to try and dethrone him.

First Hosted: 86q.

Transcript

Come Back to Carbon PaperTranscript

Dan Quayle: PresidentRecurring Characters: Dan Quayle.

Portrait of the ArtistSummary: A look back at the life of Pablo Picasso (Jon Lovitz), an artist perfectly willing to make an ass of himself in the same of his own greatness.

The Crests And Troughs Of Vernon Hawley Jr.Summary: Ex-drinking country singer Vernon Hawley Jr. (John Larroquette) belts out a few classics he can barely remember.

Transcript

Vote Bush ISummary: Unlike Michael Dukakis, George Bush is tall.

Transcript

Pete’s FountainSummary: A big-butt waitress (Nora Dunn) endures jokes about her posterior.

Vote Bush IISummary: Unlike Michael Dukakis, George Bush comes from an American-born family.

Transcript

Randy Newman with Mark Knopfler performs “It’s Money That Matters”First Performed: 75b.

Bio: Mark Knopfler (1949-). Musician; lead guitarist-vocalist for Dire Straights.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dennis Miller.

Restaurant Sex TalkSummary: Bill (Phil Hartman) and Cheryl (Nora Dunn) are discomforted by the relentless sex talk between Bob (John Larroquette) and Jackie (Victoria Jackson).

Transcript

Randy Newman & Mark Knopfler perform “Dixie Flyer”

This Old HouseSummary: Handyman Bob Vila (John Larroquette) helps an expectant couple (Victoria Jackson, Kevin Nealon) fix up an old haunted house.

Transcript

Vote Bush IIISummary: Unlike Michael Dukakis, George Bush comes from a whiter background.

Transcript

Gay Communist Gun ClubSummary: Gay hunting buddies (John Larroquette, Phil Hartman) love to talk guns, Communism, and homosexuality with their callers.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..A. Whitney Brown

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening and uh, what can I tell you?

[ Monitor: picture of Bernard Shaw ] The results of last Thursday’s presidential debates were invalidated yesterday when authorities found traces of steroids in debate moderator Bernard Shaw’s urine.

[ Monitor: picture of Dukakis between Miss Kitty and Festus from Gunsmoke ] After the debate, governor Dukakis was joined on the platform by his wife Kitty and his son Festus. Much of governor Dukakis’s anger the other night seems to be focused on the Bush charges labeling him a liberal. Dukakis countered Bush’s accusations by saying, “When it says liberal, liberal, liberal on the label, label, label, you will like it, like it, like it on your table, table, table.” I don’t want anybody out there thinking that I don’t realize how stupid that joke is.

[ Monitor: Weekend Update snap poll ] A Weekend Update snap poll of one randomly-selected voter shows that vice-president Bush with a commanding 100% to governor Dukakis’s 0%. [ applause, boos and hisses ] The poll, however, has a margin of error of +/- 100%.

[ Monitor: NBC/AP poll ] In a related story, a survey of Americans show that a commanding 82% feel that the Los Angeles Dodgers defeated the New York Mets in the National League playoffs. The poll has a margin of error of 18%. [ A baseball lands on his desk ] Wow. Gibson hit the hell out of that ball, didn’t he?

[ Monitor: picture of Dan Quayle holding a pumpkin ] Here’s a … [ waits for the applause to die down ] TV verité joke. Well. Here’s an Update quiz: what’s the difference between these two spherical objects? The answer is, eventually the one on the left [ the pumpkin ] will have a light in it. Sorry, Dan. Oh, you make it so damn easy.

After a lengthy negotiation with both parties, the Federal Election Commission has finally agreed to a slight modification to the standard ballot. The new Republican ballot will look like this: [ a box for Bush/Quayle, with “BUSH” in big letters and “Quayle” in small letters ] And a new Democratic ballot: [ a box for Dukakis/Bentsen, with “Dukakis” in small letters and “BENTSEN” in big letters ]

People who listened to the legendary Kennedy/Nixon debate of 1960 on radio felt that Nixon had won, while those who watched it on TV thought that Kennedy won. People who listened to the Bush/Dukakis debate on radio called it a draw, and those who watched it on TV felt they had listened to it on the radio.

[ Monitor: Pictures of the New York Post with covers of Tyson and Givens ] You know, I hope Mike Tyson and Robin Givens straighten this thing out soon. I don’t need to see this much of Barbara Walters.

[ Monitor: Picture of Judd Nelson ] And I need Judd Nelson to get just a little weirder, okay? Judd. Call me, man. I wanna help.

[ Monitor: Picture of Ben Johnson ] Ben Johnson was charged with assault and dangerous use of a weapon in Toronto on Tuesday. Leaving the police station, he commented: “I’m going to Disneyland!”

[ Monitor: Picture of Ed Koch ] Amidst criticism, New York mayor Ed Koch has unveiled a new program to wash the homeless who reside in ever-increasing numbers in our city street. [ footage of people getting sprayed during riots ]

Donald Trump, today, pledged to donate $1.5 million to Mother Teresa on the condition that she change her name to Mother Trump.

[ Monitor: McDonald’s logo ] This week, a federal study revealed there is now a McDonald’s restaurant in every neighborhood in America, except on the street that McDonald’s owner Joan Crock lives on.

Dennis Miller: And now, here to put all these big generalities into even — nice setup there, huh? — even more big perspective, is my good friend and co-correspondent, A. Whitney Brown, with “The Big Picture”. Welcome back, Whitney! [ They shake hands ]

A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Thank you. You know, I’ve been watching these debates and I’ve noticed the one thing that candidates never talk about … is the weather. I think they’re dodging the issue. So let’s take a look at the record. The weather has been terrible. Droughts, fires, floods, hurricanes … this administration has had the worst weather in recent history. Matter of fact, these last eight years have been like a nature hike through the Book of Revelations. We have this Greenhouse Effect heating up the entire planet. The ice caps are gonna melt. Oceans will flood into the cities, and then — junkies will be able to pick up syringes right off the sidewalk. And you know, just when we need all the oxygen we can get, somebody decided it was the perfect moment to turn the tropical rainforest into chopsticks and cheap furniture. Species are becoming extinct before they’ve even been exploited. Now of course, some of these species have only themselves to blame. I figure, if a species becomes extinct, there’s a good chance it just wasn’t working hard enough. Either that, or maybe it had some inherent character flaws. Still, this accelerating extinction rate is a crime against nature, because there’s gonna come a time on this planet when we need those animals for medical research. You know, this is a little off the subject, but there are actually animal rights activists out there protesting at laboratories, because they’re using guinea pigs as guinea pigs. I dunno, but anyway, the very idea that the jaguar should become extinct while the pekingese survives, indicates to me that somebody hasn’t thought this thing through. Now I know this may never be a big campaign issue, unless it turns out that these animals are being killed by prisoners out on furlough. But I do know that it’s starting to get mighty lonely up here at the top of the food chain. And that, my friend, is The Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Whitney Brown! [ applause as they shake hands again ] Whitney Brown with “The Big Picture”.

You know, I’ve been following that election in Burma, and I gotta tell ya, as far as charisma goes, that Som Wong makes Ni Nguyen look like On Song Sui Ke.

The PTL theme park was bought this week for $115 million by real estate developer Steven Mernick, an Orthodox Jew. Mernick says he plans to change the name of the park from “Heritage USA” to “CHHHHeritage USA”.

[ Monitor: Picture of girl from “Les Miserables” poster ] This drawing left the cast of the Broadway hit show “Les Miserables” this week, and was replaced by this drawing. [ picture of Tammy Faye Baker ]

[ Monitor: Newspaper headline “Turin shroud made after crucifixion” ] And the Shroud of Turin has finally been declared a fake. Scientists have carbon-dated it only as far back as the 12th Century and say it’s actually an old Joan Collins publicity still.

[ Monitor: Picture of a small jet plane on top of a larger jet plane ] And the shuttle Discovery got a little this week. Good for you, shuttle!

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

The Thumper Family

Dwayne Thumper…..Matthew Broderick
Mrs. Thumper…..Jan Hooks
Principal…..Jon Lovitz
Landscaper…..Kevin Nealon
Carla Thumper…..Victoria Jackson
Mr. Thumper….. Phil Hartman

[ Photograph of a white house with title card: “The Thumper Family” ]

Don Pardo V/O: Well, it’s time to look in on the Thumpers, that Bible-beating family down the street dedicated to spreading the good word of eternal hellfire and damnation. Let’s look in and see what they’re up to today.

[ The principal and a policeman escort Dwayne Thumper through the doorway ]

Dwayne Thumper: [ holding up the Bible ] YOU WHORE MONGERING SERVANT OF SATAN! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR OPPOSING THE WILL OF GOD!

Mrs. Thumper: [ enters, holding a Bible of her own ] What’s all the ruckus?

Principal: Mrs. Thumper, you’re going to have to do something about your son Dwayne! He was on the campus preaching again today! Now as principal of the school, I will not put up —

Mrs. Thumper: [ takes Dwayne by her side and raises her voice ] OH, YOU EVIL SATANIC PRINCIPAL LEADER OF THE WICKED EVIL SCHOOL! YOUR EVIL PRESENCE DESECRATES OUR HOME! LEAVE THIS PLACE AS GOD HAS COMMANDED YOU, OR ROT IN HELL FOREVER MORE!

Principal: [ to cop ] We’re gonna have to get an injunction. [ the cop nods ]

Dwayne Thumper: YOU INJUNCT WITH HELL, YOU EVIL FORNICATORS!

Principal: Okay, okay! [ to cop ] Come on, Larry, I’ll buy you a donut.

[ they both exit the front door ]

Mrs. Thumper: So how was your day at school today, son?

Dwayne Thumper: Fine.

Mrs. Thumper: Did you make the football team like you wanted?

Dwayne Thumper: No. [ sits down ] The evil coach made a pact with Satan to keep me off the team! And I damned him and the entire team to eternal Hell!

Mrs. Thumper: Well, good for you, son.

Landscaper: [ enters holding a tree branch ] Mrs. Thumper? Mrs. Thumper, I cleaned out your gutters and I cleaned your, uh, repaired your drain pipe.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh! That evil, sinful gutter has been a CURSE upon this house!

Landscaper: [ displays the branch ] No, this was the problem, this was stuck right in it.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh, that evil branch was put here by the Antichrist — hold my hand, son — [ grabs Dwayne’s hand, and they bow their heads ] May that branch of Satan BURN IN HELL!

Landscaper: I’ll just put this out in the dumpster. [ exits ]

Carla Thumper: [ enters holding a Pat Boone album and her own Bible ] Dwayne! You used my record player again! And I condemn you to Hell for your evil trickery!

Dwayne Thumper: [ stands up, raises his Bible and his voice ] GOD HAS COMMANDED ME TO USE YOUR RECORD PLAYER, AND I REBUKE YOUR DAMNATION!

Carla Thumper: YOU CANNOT REBUKE MY DAMNATION BECAUSE YOUR REBUKE IS UNHOLY UNTO THE EYES OF THE LORRRRD-UH!

Dwayne Thumper: IT IS NOT!

Carla Thumper: IS TOO!

Mrs. Thumper: [ in full preacher mode ] DAMN YOU EVIL CHILDREN OF SATAN! MAY THAT EVIL RECORD PLAYER BE CONSUMED BY ALL THE FIRES OF HELL!

[ Mr. Thumper comes home from work, also with his own Bible, and hangs his helmet on the coat rack ]

Dwayne Thumper: Dad! Condemn Carla to Hell!

Carla Thumper: Condemn Dwayne to Hell!

Mr. Thumper: [ shoves the Bible in their faces ] I WILL CONDEMN YOU BOTH TO HELL IF YOU DO NOT CEASE THIS EVIL BICKERING, WHICH AFFECTS ME EVERY NIGHT AS I WALK THROUGH THAT DAMN DOOR!!

[ He sits down; Mrs. Thumper sits by his side. ]

Mrs. Thumper: What’s wrong, dear? Evil day at the office?

Mr. Thumper: MY EVIL BOSS IS A LIAR AND A FORNICATOR! ALSO HE PUT ME BACK ON THE JACKHAMMER AGAIN!

Mrs. Thumper: Oh, DAMN him! DAMN HIM TO HELL!

Mr. Thumper: IT IS HIS EVIL PLAN THAT THE JACKHAMMER WILL DROWN OUT THE WORD OF GOD AS IT COMES THROUGH ME! [ Mrs. Thumper sobs ] WOE UNTO HIM AND TO ALL WHO DWELL IN THE MOBILE HOME OFFICE OF THE EVIL CONSTRUCTION SITE!!

Dwayne Thumper: [ stands up ] DADDY, I WILL PRAY THAT THE MIGHTY ARM OF THE LORD WILL SMITE HIM AND DELIVER HIM TO THE BOTTOMLESS PIT OF OBLIVION!

Carla Thumper: [ stands up ] I will too, Daddy!

Mr. Thumper: Thanks, kitten. [ The phone rings ]

Dwayne Thumper: I’ll get it. [ answers the phone ] Hello? No. Yes. … YOU EVIL FORNICATING SON OF SATAN! I CONDEMN YOU TO BE CAST DOWN FOREVER AND — hello? [ hangs up ]

Mrs. Thumper: Who was it?

Dwayne Thumper: Wrong number.

Mr. Thumper: Look, it has been a trying day for us all who spread the word of the Lord. Maybe we should go as a family to the movies.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh! Honey, that’d be fun!

Dwayne Thumper: “Die Hard” is playing at the Orpheum.

Mrs. Thumper: Oh, well what about “Gorillas in the Mist”?

Carla Thumper: Can we go to “The Last Temptation of Christ” again, please?

Mr. Thumper: YES!

Mrs. Thumper: Hallelujah!

[ they all get up and get ready to leave ]

Mr. Thumper: That is my favorite movie!

[ They go behind the couch to retrieve their bullhorns and picket signs which read “THERE WAS NO LAST TEMPTATION FOR CHRIST” and “LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION”, then exit the front door ]

Mrs. Thumper: I agree. PAGAN IDOLATERS OF ALL —

Mr. Thumper: [ through bullhorn ] EVIL SCORSESE, SON OF SATAN, HOLLYWOOD SERPENT!

[ back to opening title card ]

Don Pardo V/O: Join us next week for another episode of The Thumper Family.

[ fade to SNL band ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Hollywood Salute

Andrea Shell…..Jan Hooks
Jackie Jarvis…..Jon Lovitz
General Custer…..Phil Hartman
Little Hawk…..Matthew Broderick
Sergeant…..Dennis Miller

[ Opening: the title logo appears over some 1940s “behind the scenes” footage ]

Andrea Shell: Hello, I’m Andrea Shell. Welcome to “Hollywood Salute”. In the early 1950s, enormous power was shifted from the studio moguls, to the movie stars who had acquired a solid public following. One of them was Jackie Jarvis, the unequivocal master of the gangster film.

[ A slideshow is shown of posters of his films ]

Andrea Shell V/O: “Public Menace” … “The Face in the Post Office” … “Ask My Machine Gun” … and “Bullets Be Not Few”.

[ Back to the main set ]

Andrea Shell: The success of these films, and others, allowed Jackie Jarvis to break away from this gangster image, and explore new film genres. He did his first in a box office hit in 1952, “Crazy Horse: Tough Guy of the Plains”. Enjoy.

[ The clip is shown. Although this is the Civil War, the whole thing plays out like a 30s/40s gangster movie, with suspenseful music and everything. ]

[ General Custer’s headquarters, day. A knock at the door. ]

General Custer: Come in!

[ Sergeant enters ]

Sergeant: General Custer?

General Custer: Yeah, what’s cookin’?

Sergeant: Guess who just breezed into the fort?

General Custer: Can’t imagine!

Sergeant: Crazy Horse.

General Custer: You’re kidding.

Sergeant: He’s right outside.

General Custer: Well well well. All right, Sergeant, send him in and uh, stick around.

Sergeant: Check. [ opens the door ] Come in!

[ Crazy Horse enters, over a dramatic sting ]

General Custer: Hello, Chief!

Crazy Horse: Hello, General!

General Custer: Call me George.

Crazy Horse: Call me Crazy.

General Custer: Have a seat.

Crazy Horse: Don’t mind if I do.

[ they both sit down ]

General Custer: To what do I owe the honor?

Crazy Horse: No point beatin’ around the bush! You got my kid locked up!

General Custer: Ah yes, Little Hawk. We picked him up on a drunk and disorderly outside of Jim Bridge’s Trading Post! Seems he can’t hold his firewater, Crazy!

Crazy Horse: Standard rap for a D&D is three days! [ they both stand up ] You’ve had him in this joint for a WEEK! AND I WANT HIM BACK!!

General Custer: EASY, CRAZY, EASY! You’ll get your boy back, but first I want you to answer a few questions! Capisce?

Crazy Horse: Capisce! [ sits down ] What kinda questions?

General Custer: [ walks over to a map, points to a spot ] My scouts tell me that several tribes of hostiles have congregated on the lower east side of the Little Bighorn!

Crazy Horse: Yeah, so? Some of the fellas got together for a little huntin’ and fishin’! So what?

General Custer: That don’t add up, Crazy! Since when are the Oglala pals-y with the Cheyenne and the Arapaho?

Crazy Horse: Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! That’s all!

General Custer: I ain’t buyin’ it.

Crazy Horse: [ stands up ] YOU CALLIN’ ME A LIAR??

General Custer: JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION!!

Crazy Horse: YOU’LL GET YOUR ANSWERS, YELLOW HAIR, WHEN YOU GIVE ME MY KID!

General Custer: [ to Sergeant ] All right, go get him.

[ Sergeant exits, Crazy Horse sits down laughing ]

Crazy Horse: [ rests his feet up on the table ] You know, George, you wide-eyes really slay me. You call me a liar … yet your tongue’s so forked, I could tie it in a bow behind your back! [ guffaws ]

General Custer: [ sits down ] Spare me the wisecracks, Crazy … [ Crazy continues laughing ] … HEY! What’s shapin’ up on the lower east side? Crazy Horse: All right, I’ll level with ya. Some of the boys are pretty bent out of shape about that Fort Laramie treaty. One minute you promise sovereignty over the promise — the sacred lands. And the next minute we got A THOUSAND MINERS BREATHIN’ DOWN OUR NECKS! General Custer: Nobody knew gold would be discovered in the Black Hills.

Crazy Horse: WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? [ hits the desk ] A TREATY’S A TREATY!

[ Harmonica music swells up ]

General Custer: [ stands up ] … I’m sorry. I guess that makes us pretty much look like a bunch of hypocrites, doesn’t it?

Crazy Horse: [ stands up, walks over to him ] You know, I, I can’t figure you white devils. These plains used to be a nice place to live. And you clowns come along and it’s all massacres, railroads and subdivisions! Georgie! What gives?

[ Dramatic sting. Sergeant enters with Little Hawk ]

Crazy Horse: You all right??

Little Hawk: Sure, Pop. Ain’t built a stockade that can hold me, or a white woman who can resist me!

[ Crazy Horse laughs, pats him on the shoulder ]

General Custer: YOU ARROGANT, HEATHEN PUNK! WHY I OUGHTA …

Little Hawk: You oughta, but you won’t.

General Custer: Won’t I?

Little Hawk: Not if you’re smart, you won’t.

General Custer: Just watch me!

Little Hawk: Try it, blue coat! [ whips out a pocket knife ] I’ll have your wig on a lodge pole before you can say ouch.

General Custer: [ aims a pistol at Little Hawk ] You better call him off, Crazy ..

Crazy Horse: Oh, now look!

General Custer: YOU LOOK! I’ll put a new pair of nostrils on his forehead, I swear it!

Crazy Horse: OH YEAH? THEN YOU’LL HAVE TO TAKE A PIECE OF ME, BLONDIE!

General Custer: HAVE IT YOUR WAY!

Little Hawk: Let me at him, Pop!

General Custer: Why, for two cents I’d —

Crazy Horse: Yeah? What would you do for a nickel?

General Custer: [ marks a line on the ground with his foot ] Just cross that line!

Crazy Horse: It don’t look like one of yours! It don’t got a FENCE on it! Ha!

Little Hawk: Good one!

Crazy Horse: Thanks!

General Custer: All right, you two, get outta here while the gettin’s good! [ two sergeants enter ] Escort these two gentlemen to the gate!

Little Hawk: Take it easy, boys … we was just leavin’.

Crazy Horse: Yeah. Come on. [ leaves, then turns around ] Oh, Georgie? Feel free to drop by the Little Bighorn any time for some … huntin’ and fishin’!

Little Hawk: Yeah! Just a little huntin’ and fishin’! [ he and Crazy Horse laugh ]

Crazy Horse: Come on. [ they exit with the sergeants ] HI-ya-ya-ya, HI-ya-ya-ya …

[ Back to Andrea on the main set ]

Andrea Shell: Crazy Horse was followed by even greater Jackie Jarvis successes: “Mugs from Mars”, “Samson vs. the Feds”, and “Bombo Behind Bars”. This is Andrea Shell from “Hollywood Salute”, wishing you good night.

[ Applause, fade out ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 2

88b: Matthew Broderick / The Sugarcubes

Nude Beach

Bob…..Dana Carvey
Doug…..Matthew Broderick
Jack…..Kevin Nealon
Ted…..Dennis Miller
Bill…..Jon Lovitz
Woman #1…..Victoria Jackson
Woman #2…..Nora Dunn

[ a couple of guys walk around a nude beach ]

Bob: Is this great or what?

Doug: I feel a little self-conscious, Bob. I mean, I’ve never been to a nude beach before.

Bob: Aw, listen, Doug, you don’t have to worry about that here. The people at this club, they’re not hung up about that kind of thing. That’s what’s great about it, everyone’s just here to relax.

Doug: Really?

Bob: Yeah, yeah. Believe me, in a few minutes, you’ll forget all about it. C’mon, I’ll introduce you to some of the guys.

Doug: Okay…thanks, Bob.

Bob: Hey guys!

Jack: Hey, Bob! Hey, your penis looks great today.

Bob: Thanks, Jack. Yours too.

Ted: Hey, Bob.

Bob: Hey, Ted. How’s your penis?

Ted: Not bad.

Bob: Good. Hey, I’d like you guys to meet Doug.

Jack: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, guys.

Jack: Hey, pretty small penis there, Doug.

Doug: Huh?

Ted: Yeah. You could pick a lock with that penis.

Jack: Hey, that’s okay. There’s plenty of guys around here with small penises. Bill’s got one. Hey, Bill – come on over here and show him your penis! Bill, this is Doug.

Bill: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, Bill.

Bill: So I guess you have a pretty small penis.

Doug: Yeah, I guess so.

Bill: Well, that’s okay. I hear it really doesn’t matter to women.

Doug: Yeah, I read that.

Jack: Okay you two, enough small penis talk.

Ted: Hey, guys, wanna see my pictures from Barbados?

All: Yeah, sure.

Ted: Okay. That’s me with some friends on a catamaran.

Jack: Penis looks great.

Ted: Thanks. Here’s me, playing tennis with my father.

Bob: Hey, you’ve really got your dad’s penis.

Ted: Yeah. By the way, Jack, what have you done with your penis? It looks super!

Jack: Oh, I go to this place on Long Island. They do great work.

Ted: Wow. You got the address?

Jack: Sure.

Ted: Great. I’ll write it on my penis so I won’t forget.

Bill: So, Doug, where are you from?

Doug: Montpelier, Vermont.

Jack: Oooh…cold up there. Must be tough on the penis.

Bob: Bill, you’re from Denver, right?

Bill: Yeah…

Ted: Good penis town.

Woman #1: Hey, everybody!

Jack: Hey girls!

Woman #2: Hey, who’s the new guy with the penis?

Bob: Oh, that’s Doug.

Woman #1: Hey Doug.

Doug: Hi.

Woman #2: Hey, pretty small penis.

Doug: Yeah.

Woman #1: That’s okay.

Doug: Hey, thanks.

Woman #2: Hey, Dave just made a great sand penis sculpture. You should come and see it before the tide comes in.

Woman #1: Yeah, it’s got testicles and everything!

Ted: Great. We’ll check it out.

Bill: See, Doug, you had nothing to worry about.

Doug: Yeah, I guess not.

Jack: Hey, who wants to sing the club anthem?

All: Yeah!

Bob: Okay, I’ll start:

“I once had a penis sing to me
His Penis Penis song
And when that Penis Penis sang
Here was the Penis’s song
He’d sing me…”

All:
“Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis, penis song.
Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long.
Penis, penis, penis, penis…”

[ Jack steps forward ]

Jack: Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon. What you just saw was an attempt to make an important point – that wherever you go, no matter how you look on the outside, we’re all pretty much the same. You know, when the Standards Department was dissolved here at NBC, we welcomed it as an opportunity to deal with issues like these in a frank way. And to be honest, we’re a little disheartened by the snickering we heard during this presentation. It kind of makes us wonder if there’s room for serious discussion of these subjects on television. So to those of you who missed the point – grow up. Really.

All:
“Penis, penis, penis, penis
Penis all day long..”

SNL Transcripts