Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:
February 14th, 1981

Deborah Harry

Funky 4 + 1 More

None

Marc Weiner

Chris Stein

Clem Burke

Andy Murphy
Is Frank Sinatra a Hoodlum?Summary: President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) discusses the issue with Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo).

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Frank Sinatra.

Transcript

Montage

Deborah Harry’s MonologueSummary: Deborah Harry acknowledges her similar-coifed parents in the audience; Cupid (Eddie Murphy) fires his arrow.

Transcript

“Don’t Look In The Refrigerator”Summary: Expired leftovers are the makings of a new horror movie.

Transcript

The LivelysSummary: Phil Lively (Charles Rocket) ponders putting his retired game shos emcee father (Don Pardo) in a retirement home.

Recurring Characters: Phil Lively, Francis Lively.

Transcript

NewsbreakSummary: Eddie Murphy reports on a variety of news topics, including Jean Harris, the fires in Las Vegas, and Poland’s attack on Russia.

Transcript

Where’s Cooter?Summary: Cooter (Gilbert Gottfried) and his family win accolades as a real-life one-act play, according to the Tennessee Williams Authority.

Transcript

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket cautiously ventures into the unknown to determine how scary Central Park is.

Transcript

Paulie Herman at Card CornerSummary: Jersey Guy Paulie Herman (Joe Piscopo) looks for the perfect Valentine’s card to send to his relatives.

Recurring Characters: Paulie Herman.

Transcript

Deborah Harry performs “Love TKO”

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Staunch conservative and Reagan philosopher Atkinson Peabody III (Gilbert Gottfried) explains how various welfare handouts to the homeless cancels out the idea of poor people living in America. The ambassador of Poland (Andy Murphy) expresses glee in his country’s sudden invasion of Russia. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo interviews boxing hand puppet Weindulah (Marc Weiner), who also raps.

Big BrotherSummary: Big Brother (Gilbert Gottfried) keeps a watchful yet shy eye on Michelle Richards (Deborah Harry), whom he wants to ask out.

Transcript

“Sweet Hearts”Summary: In a film by Leon Ichaso, laundry thieves (Matthew Laurance, Ann Risley) rob women’s undergarments from a laundromat, turn against one another while partying at their hideout.

Soho LesbiansSummary: Upon visiting their neice Susan (Deboah Harry) in Soho, Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried) are surprised to learn her true sexual orientaton.

Recurring Characters: Pinky Waxman, Leo Waxman.

Transcript

Deborah Harry performs “Come Back Jonee”Note: Former Blondie members Chris Stein and Clem Burke join Deborah Harry’s performance.

NewsbreakSummary: Eddie Murphy delivers more information on Poland’s attack strategy against Russia.

Transcript

King Kong SyndromeSummary: Faye’s (Deborah Harry) date echoes the final scene of “King Kong.”

Valley GirlsSummary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) run into Tina (Deborah Harry), who dropped out of high school.

Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.

Funky 4 + 1 More performs “That’s The Joint”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Televised Criminal Trial

Judge…..Joe Piscopo
Bailiff…..Matthew Laurance
Jose Gomez…..Gilbert Gottfried
…..Jim Fowler
Jury Foreman…..Patrick Weathers

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “Recently the Supreme Court ruled that states are free to permit the televising of criminal trials. The following is a trial in Small Claims court…”

[ dissolve to close-up of a black-and-white television, as a televised trial airs ]

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Court is in order! Bailiff, what is tonight’s case?

Bailiff: Well, tonight we have a young man who claims he bit into a ball bearing while eating a meatball hero outside of DaMassa’s Italian restaurant.

Judge: Ah-ha. Well, could you call the first witness, please!

Bailiff: Uh, yes — would Jose Gomez please take the stand?

Jose Gomez: [ standing ] With pleasure, Your Honor!

Judge: Mr. Gomez, why don’t you tell the ladies and gentlemen of the jury what happened to you when you ate at DaMassa’s Italian Restaurant a couple of weeks ago?

Jose Gomez: Not only will I tell you what happened… but I have brought a witness with me, too — the waiter who served me that very night! [ he holds up his painted hand ] Were you the waiter that night? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] Yes, I was! [ in his normal voice ] Okay! You are going to tell then EXACTLY what happened! Waiter… do you serve crabs here? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] We serve anybody here!

[ the Judge gavels a rim shot ]

Jose Gomez: Seriously, Waiter — I would like a meatball hero. He brings me the meatball hero, I bite in, what do I find? [ in his Senor Wences voice ] A ball bearing! [ in his normal voice ] A ball bearing? It MUST be an accident! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] It was NO accident! We did it ON PURPOSE! [ in his normal voice ] But, please! I am going without complaining! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] NO! You should SUE us! [ in his normal voice ] I will NOT do it! [ in his Senor Wences voice ] Sue us for $50,000!

Judge: Well, thank you very much, Jose. Uh, that is quite an interesting story, I must say. Uh, we have — we just have another witness that’s just DYING to come out. Bailiff, uh, could you introduce him, please?

Bailiff: I sure can, Your Honor!

Judge: Thank you.

Bailiff: Our next witness is an expert on wildlife, as a result of his MANY years on Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom”. Would JIM FOWLER please take the stand?

[ the courtroom applauds Jim Fowler’s entrance, as Jose Gomez moves one witness seat over ]

Judge: Well, well, Jim — what interesting creature did you bring for us today?

Jim Fowler: This little fellow’s an alligator.

Judge: Ohhh! And where are most alligators found?

Jim Fowler: Well, 80% of ’em are found in the swamps of Florida, and 20% are found in the sewers of New York City.

Judge: Is that where you found this one, Jim?

Jim Fowler: I found this one in an alley behind DeMassa’s Italian Restaurant.

Judge: Ah. And what was it doing there?

Jim Fowler: It was eating ball bearings.

Judge: Ah-ha. Well, thank you very much, Jim Fowler. All the evidence is in. Has the jury reached its verdict?

Jury Foreman: Uh, yes, we have. [ he stands ] We don’t find Mr. Gomez’s claim valid. [ he smiles for the cameras ]

Judge: [ surprised ] oh. Well, thank you very much. Mr. Gomez, do you have anything to say?

Jose Gomez: Yes! You may all hear me appealing this case at the New York State of appeals on February 28th!

[ the camera pans over to Jim Fowler ]

Jim Fowler: I’ll be at the Bird Sanctuary at St. Louis, this Tuesday.

Judge: Well, thank you for coming! Court IS adjourned! Stay tuned for “One Live to Live”, with Jean Harris. Good night.

[ credits scroll:

“Produced by Warren Burger

Directed by Potter Stewart

Techinical Consultants: Thurgood Marahall, William Brennan, Byron White

This has been a Justice Department production” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

A Message from the President of the United States

President Ronald Reagan…..Charles Rocket
Nancy Reagan…..Gail Matthius
Guests…..Andy Murphy, Terry Sweeney

Announcer: [ over slide ] “The Battle of the World Superpowers” will be delayed tonight, so that we may bring you this message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Ronald Reagan seated in the Oval Office ]

President Ronald Reagan: Hello! I’m speaking to you tonight about the state of our economy. I regret to say that it’s in the worst shape since the Great Depression. It’s a complex problem, so I’m going to explan it to you very simply — just like they explained it to me. Now, here’s what a $500 bill was in 1960. [ he holds up a $500 bill ] Today, the same $500 bill is worth… [ he rips it in half ] on-ehalf that much, because of government waste. Who can figure it? To help, I’ve drawn some simple charts.

[ cut to crude chart drawing ]

Here, you see how Government Spending is running ahead of Government Revenues. And you know what that means:

[ cut to crude drawing of Mr. Taxpayer cursing his bills ]

Poor old Mr. Taxpayer is sweating it out. Now… here’s another chart I’e prepared:

[ cut to crude drawing of optical illusion of two lines labeled “One Line” and “Another Line” ]

It’s hard to believe, but the two lines are of equal length. It’s an optical illusion! But… back to serious stuff. Here’s another chart:

[ cut to crude drawing of two angled lines labeled “Life Expectancy” and “My Age”, marked “70” and “My birthday yesterday” at their intersection ]

The bottom line is popular life expectancy. The top line is my age. As you see, those two lines met yesterday, on my 70th birthday.

[ return to Reagan at his desk, as Nancy and other guests swarm him with a cake ]

Guests: SURPRIIIIISE!!!!

President Ronald Reagan: Oh… what an unexpected surprise!

[ Reagan blows out the candle, which causes him to pass out headfirst on the cake ]

[ he looks up from the cake and faces the camera, his face covered in frosting ]

President Ronald Reagan: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Pillow Pets

Husband…..Gilbert Gottfried
Wife…..Ann Risley

[ open on married couple’s bedroom, night ]

Wife: I don’t understand it. I mean, we’ve talked about this before. I thought we had come to an agreement, and yet you still persist.

Husband: I thought he needed to get out.

Wife: FIVE times a day?! You need to take the dog out FIVE times a day?

Husband: When you have a dog, you have to take them for walks.

Wife: The, wha — well, you never pay that much attention to me.

Husband: Well… we walk. The dog doesn’t mind when you come along.

Wife: Well — it’s not just the walking. I mean, the whole thing! I mean, I look in the closet, and I see FIVE coats for the dog!

Husband: It’s Winter.

Wife: Wha — this is too much! I mean, this is just too mich! I mean, I wouldn’t mind it if it was a REAL dog! [ she picks up a pillow with a cat’s face stitched into it ] But, THIS!

Husband: That’s not the dog. That’s the cat.

Wife: Oh, okay! [ she grabs the dog pillow ] THIS one! The DOG, the CAT! What difference does it make?!

Husband: It makes a very big difference — I don’t like the cat. If you want the cat, you have the cat.

Wife: [ exasperated ] No, I don’t want the cat, I don’t want the dog!

Husband: Why’d you marry me for?

Wife: Well — it’s just that I thought any man who could show THAT much love for these would have a lot of love to give me.

Husband: Well, you were wrong. And don’t hold them so close– they start to fight.

Wife: Oh! That would bother you if they start to fight? Oh!

[ she makes the pillows fight with one another, as her husband screams in pain ]

Husband: I HATE IT WHEN THEY FIGHT!! STOP IT!!!

Wife: [ she throws the pillows down ] Alright, THAT’S it! I’m going to my mother’s!

[ she frantically packs an overnight bag from the closet ]

Husband: Does — does this mean you’re not coming back?

Wife: I don’t know.

Husband: Well, if you decide to come back… can you bring some dog food? [ he swats the cat ] Nothing for you.

Wife: Look — what am I supposed to tell my mother? That I lost you to soem stuffed thing?

Husband: Nnnno, that’s ridiculous. Tell her it was another woman.

Wife: Right. I can’t deal with this any more.

[ she exits the bedroom ]

Husband: [ he looks down at his two pillows ] I lied. I love it when you two fight!

[ he makes the pillows attack one another and climbs on top of them across the bed ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Lean Acres

Lois…..Ann Risley
Tina…..Denny Dillon
Counselor…..Sally Kellerman
Woman in Audience…..Pam Norris

[ open on Lois and Tina lying on cots in their room ]

Lois: God, I’m hungry! This 10-day Juicefest is KILLING me!

Tina: I know what you mean! It’s nothing like the catalog my husband showed me! I thought it would be FRUIT CUPS… CHEESE BOARDS… maybe a couple of LAUGHS!

Lois: Some Fat Farm. This place is more like a… like a…

Tina: Say it! Say it!

Lois: Like a PRISON!

Tina: And the name! It sounded so nice — Lean Acres.

[ the title appears superimposed over the scene ]

[ the Counselor enters the room ]

Counselor: Alright, you cows! Weigh in! On the scale! On the scale!

[ Tina steps on the scale ]

Counselor: Well… you’ve gained THREE pounds! [ she swats Tina and knocks her onto her cot ] You’ve been snacking!

Tina: [ scared ] No, really — I — I — I really didn’t! [ the Counselor pulls her up by her sweatshirt ] Maybe ONE Saltine!

Lois: [ running over ] Leave her alone!

[ the Counselor lets go of Tina, as Lois crouches against the wall ]

Counselor: What did you say?

Lois: Nothing, nothing! It was just my… stomach rumbling.

Counselor: That’s what I thought. After all, you are ten pounds away from parole. Don’t blow it.

[ Lois jumps on the scale ]

Lois: What? I lost a pound!

Counselor: Water weight, Lois. It’ll be back.

Tina: Congratulations, Lois! A whole pound!

[ the Counselor swats Tina back down again ]

Counselor: Shut up! I told you FAT BAGS when you came to this FAT FARM that you’re FAT! THis ain’t no cocktail party,

Tina: Well, you see, it’s just that we haven’t eaten in TWELVE days and I just think that —

Counselor: [ sternly ] And you what?

Tina: Well, I think we SHOULD!!

[ the Counselor swats Tina back down again ]

Lois: Why don’t you pick on someone you’re own size?!

Counselor: Why don’t you two lose a little weight… and maybe I will.

[ the Counselor exits the room ]

Tina: I don’t think she likes me.

Lois: I feel the same way. You okay, honey?

Tina: Oh, Lois — how did I gain? I even stopped biting my nails!

Lois: Oh, why don’t we just LEAVE, Tina? We’re not criminals!

Tina: We’re WORSE — we’re overweight!

Lois: Yeah, and our husbands can’t stand the sight of us.

Tina: Not to mention the rest of the free world…

[ an overdramatic voice comes from above ]

Voice: This sketch makes me SICK!

[ Ann Risley and Denny Dillon look up into the audience balcony ]

Woman in Audience: You act like being fat is a crime! Fat people are HUMAN!

Denny Dillon: Who are you?!

Woman in Audience: Humans deserve RESPECT! If you uncover these layers of FAT… do we not bleed?! Huh? [ she looks among the audience ] HUH?! If you hurt our feelnigs, don’t we BLUBBER?! Where’s the “writer” of this thin attack on FAT people?!

Ann Risley: Okay… alright… writer?

[ a chubby writers enters the set ]

Female Writer: What’s the problem?!

Woman in Audience: I can’t understand how you could stoop to making FAT jokes! You of all people should be senstive to fat people! LOOK AT YOU!! You’re so FAT… when you sneeze, your chins flap! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… you need to wear a bra on your back! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… you… you get an electoral vote! [ rim shot ] You’re so FAT… that we —

[ Announcer: [ over text ] “She’s so fat that:

a) She hides money in her pores.

b) If a tree fell between her legs no one would hear it.

Or c) I can’t take much more of this sketch.

[ sound effects tally the results ]

Announcer: It’s C) I can’t take much more of this sketch.

[ the woman in the audience applauds the end of the sketch, as the camera pans upward to her, with SUPER: “Coming Up: “Circumsized Evidence” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Goodnights

…..Sally Kellerman

Sally Kellerman: Good night, everybody, and thanks so much for being here! Good night, Mom and Dad! Thanks so much, everybody! Goodbye!

Announcer: Join us next week on “Saturday Night Live”, when our host will be Deborah Harry. This is don Pardo, saying: “Happy Birthday, Ronnie!” My birthday is February 22nd. Just send your cards and gifts to me care of this show. Good night.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:
February 7th, 1981

Sally Kellerman

Jimmy Cliff

None

Marc Weiner

Jim Fowler

Andy Murphy

Terry Sweeney

Pam Norris
A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Charles Rocket) uses a series of charts to describe the state of the economy, then feigns surprise when guests arrive to celebrate his 70th birthday.

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan.

Note: 1985-86 cast member Terry Sweeney, who was on the writing staff this season, makes an appearance as one of Reagan’s guests.

Transcript

MontageNote: Eddie Murphy becomes a regular cast member in this episode.

Sally Kellerman’s MonologueSummary: Sally Kellerman name-drops her movies until the director asks her to stop.

The Rocket ReportSummary: Charles Rocket is on the scene at the welcome home parade for the American hostages who were in Iran.

The Gavonne FamilySummary: Talent scout Lorna Burns (Sally Kellerman) watches a stand-up comedian (Gilbert Gottfried) perform fro his Italian family.

Name That SinSummary: Game show contestants (Eddie Murphy, Ann Risley) identify taboos based on sound effects.

“Eye, Ear, Nose & Throat”Summary: A film featuring close-ups of body parts.

Was I Ever RedSummary: Snobby women recall their mealtime etiquette faux pas.

Iranian Joke BookSummary: Wacky jokes you can perform at home and use to fool your friends!

Jimmy Cliff performs “I Am The Living”

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail MatthiusSummary: Upon discovering that Abraham Lincoln didn’t sign the Emancipation Proclamation wasn’t signed, Eddie Murphy invites viewers to use a secret code to claim a Negro of their very own. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo interviews boxing hand puppet Rocko Weineretto (Marc Weiner).

Note: Charles Rocket wasn’t particularly enthused about having to share screen time with a hand puppet, to which Joe Piscopo later quipped that Rocket was jealous that the puppet got more laughs than he did.

Parent & ChildSummary: Mother (Ann Risley) and father (Joe Piscopo) explain their kinky foreplay habits to their son (Gilbert Gottfried).

“A Day In The Life Of A Hostage”Summary: Film documentary of a former hostage’s quest for public attention.

Lean AcresSummary: A counselor (Sally Kellerman) keeps fat farm members (Denny Dillon, Ann Risley) on a strict regimen, causing an audience member to interrupt the sketch in protest of how the overweight are being portrayed.

Transcript

Jimmy Cliff performs “Gone Clear”

Iranian Student CouncilSummary: Members of the student council at Tehran University debate ideas for post-kidnapping activities and argue about their graduation prospects.

“New York”Summary: In a film by C.F. Bressler, New York City is represented through claymation.

Pillow PetsSummary: A husband (Gilbert Gottfried) is more attention to the needs of his pillow pets than to his own wife (Ann Risley).

Transcript

Televised Criminal TrialSummary: The Supreme Court broadcasts a criminal trial in the same format as a talk show.

Transcript

Sally Kellerman performs “Starting Over Again”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket & Gail Matthius

…..Charles Rocket
…..Gail Matthius
Tiffany Fleur…..Ann Risley
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Eddie Murphy

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with co-anchors Charles Rocket andGail Matthius.

Charles Rocket: Good evening, I’m Charles Rocket. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: Former President Jimmy Carter is finding difficulty adjustingto civilian life. Pictured here, we see the ex-President trying to sneakback into the White House.

Well, Sen. Ted Kennedy and his wife Joan have decided to get a divorce. Mrs. Kennedy said, “Hey, it had nothing to do with my husband’s indiscretions!” Well, during their 22 years of marriage, the senator had romantic interludes with these women: [ collage ]. And these other women: [ second collage ].

Well, in a budget-slashing move, President Reagan has cut White house newspaper subscriptions to the absolute essentials. Shown here on his first morning in office, Reagan studies the large-print version of Variety magazine.

Charles Rocket: Well, now that the hostages are back, “Saturday Night Live” thinks maybe it’s time that we thought about normalizing our relations with Iran. What better way than to talk to the Ayatollah himself, who’s agreed to be here to chat with us! Here is… the Ayatollah Komeini! [ he clumsily lifts a veil over a balloon dummy ] Whoa, let’s find him! Okay, Mr. Ayatollah! What a guy, huh? Well, we have a lot of youngsters out there who are aspiring Ayatollahs, so let me ask you a question, pal: Are you sorry? [ no response; Charles pounds the desk ] Are you a little bit sorry? [ no response ] Okay. If you’re at all sorry, furrow your brows, make a mean face, and stare straight ahead, okay? [ the dummy’s pose remains unchanged ] Well, how about THAT, ladies and gentlemen! A formal apology from the Ayatollah Komeini, huh! Gail?

Gail Matthius: [ weakly ] Uh, sir? I’ve been looking for a really nice Persian rug — Maybe — ?

Charles Rocket: Some other time, Gail, huh?

Gail Matthius: Never mind, I’ll talk to him later.

General Motors, this week, recalled 80,000 station wagons, because, in repeated cases, the glass in the rear window has shattered. GM. denying responsibilityfor the defects said that all occupants of the cars had been listening toElla Fitzgerald.

World famous designer Galanos donated Nancy Reagan’s inaugural ball gown, valued at $10,000. Meanwhile, an unknown Washington baker donated this coffee cake for Nancy’s head!

Walter Mondale announced yesterday that he will join Winston & Strawn, aChicago law firm. Mondale says he will use his experience as Vice-Presidentin his new duties — which will include making coffee, apologizing for otherlawyer’s mistakes, and receiving Boy Scouts who might stop by.

Eldgridge Cleaver has certainly had an interesting career. First he was a Black Panther, then he became a born-again Christian. now, Cleaver plans to join the Mormon Church. What’s more, he may also star in a new variety show produced by Osmond Productions in Salt Lake City. It’ll be called “The Eldredge & Marie Show”, and they’ll start the season with an ice skating special called “Marie with Soul on Ice”. Leave it to Cleaver! [ the audience continually groans ]

Charles Rocket: A letter, handwritten by Ronald Reagan defending his friendship with Frank Sinatra, was sold at a New York auction yesterday for $12,500. Well, purchased this morning for $15,000 by NBC, a subsequent letter from Ron Reagan to Frank Sinatra, which reads: “Dear Frank: I wrote the letter. Don’t hurt me. Love, Ronnie. P.S.: Say hello to the Weasel!”

Well, now, “Update Fashions”, with our own Fashion Editor Tiffany Fleur.
Tiffany Fleur: Bonjour, mes amies. I am Tiffany Fleur. Welcometo my very first fashion show for engineering students. May I presentPaul. [ cut to Paul parading on the runway ] Paul is a mechanical engineerfrom MIPU. Throw away those calculators – the slide rule is back. And Paulwears his attractive leather hip holster to prove it. He’s ready for anycalculation. Paul’s ensemble is completed by his pocket pen/pencil holder.Handcrafted in practical vinyl, of course. But watch out – at night, whenthe animal in Paul breaks loose, he’ll switch to ze daring after-dark blue.Thank you, Paul. [ Robert enters ] Entre, Robert. Robert is anelectrical engineering student from Cal Tech, and sports the summer at thebeach look. Under his functional tuck, Robert wears the go-anywhere penand pencil holder, which is of course neatly glued to his chest. So,whether it’s a quick algebraic equation at the cafe, or an intimate eveningat home with the computer, you’re always in style with Tiffany Fleurdesigner fashions for the engineering student. And that is finis with theFashion Report [ cut back to Tifany at the newsdesk ] I have been TiffanyFleur, bye bye.

Gail Matthius: Thank you very much, Tiffany… and Robert and Paul.

In a government investigation, Canadian cabinet members responded to the question: “Who here has slept with Margaret Trudeau?”

It has been a huge week in sports, and here now to tell us all aboutit is our own Joooeee Piscopo!
Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Gail! Hello again, everyone! Joe Piscopo,live! Saturday Night Sports. The big story – tomorrow. SuperSunday. Superbowl! Superdome! Eagles! Raiders! Winner? Who cares?When I think “Superbowl”, I think Steelers! Cowboys! Not Eagles-Raiders.I think Bradshaw, Starback – not Joworsky, Plunkett. Someone should lookinto why two mediocre teams that nobody cares about are playing in New Orleanstomorrow! Let’s take a look at the so-called Superteams! [ camera zooms outto reveal a miniature electronic football table in front of Joe ] Look atthis, you call this football! Unbelievable! Look at this guy, what the heckis he doing? I think that the Eagles will score by a touchdown! Eitherthat, or they just might score a field goal! The Eagles by a touchdown,that’s the sports. Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night! Gail.

Gail Matthius: Thank you, Joe!

In a related stoy,the Philadelphia Eagles, in preparation for the Super Bowl, have held their workouts in secret. Pictured here is Philadelphia wide receiver Harold Carmichael, practicing disguised as the Pope.

Charles Rocket: Well, claims against Iran will be a legal nightmare.According to specialists, procedures for transfer of the fund will take atleast nine months! Well, with us tonight is one of the people caughtup in the massive exchange of assets.. our own, Mr. Eddie Murphy.

Eddie Murphy: Thanks, Charles. [ to the audience’s light applause ] Hold that. A while back, I paid this dude $80up front for an ounce of Iranian hashish. Now, I asked if he wasfrom Iran, he said donn’t worry about that, right? Two weeks laters, Iwent to get my reefer, and he told me he didn’t have it. So I said, “Man,you got to give me my money back.” Do you know that that dude told methat his assets were frozen? I said, “Hey, man, don’t me tell me about nofrozen assets, because I gave you my heating oil money for that reefer!”Right? So, I took the dude hostage, and I ain’t giving him back to Iran until #1: Give me my $80; #2: Give me an ounce of that good Iranian reefer; and#3: Give me some of that Iranian oil, ’cause I been freezing my assets offall winter! Back to you, Charlie.

Charles Rocket: Thanks, Eddie, always a pleasure. Eddie Murphy.Thanks so much.Rupert Murdoch, owner of the New York Post, has purchased the 195-year old London Times, with the promise he would only make minor changes in the format. Well, take a look. Here we see the first edition of the London Times under Murdoch’s leadership: [ headline reads: “Thatcher To Parliament: Drop Dead!” ]

Charles Rocket: For Gail Matthius and the entire “Weekend Update” team, I’m Charles Rocket. That’s the news. Good night, and watch out.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Pre-Superbowl Pre-Game Preview

Bill…..Robert Hays
Jessica…..Ann Risley
Frank…..Charles Rocket

Bob: Hi, football fans! This is the Pre-Superbowl Pre-Game Preview. And we’re all excited about the big showdown tomorrow in New Orleans!

Jessica: Yes, Bob, it will definitely be the highlight of the football season!

Bob: I would say it was the highlight of the entire sports year, Jessica!

Frank: No, it’s the highlight of the entire year, period! It’s gotta be the game of the decade, maybe even the game of the century!

Jessica: Probably the event of the century!

Bob: Well, I can only add that tomorrow’s game will really be the game for all eternity, the highlight of human history.

Jessica: And civilization, Bob!

Bob: Right you are, Jessica. And now, let’s take at some Superbowls past. [ pause ] Football is often compared to ballet – and it’s true. You take a ballet, and you remove the music and the dancing, and you replace it with passing, running and scoring points, and the resemblance is uncanny.

Jessica: It is exactly like a ballet, except that one is a game, and the other isn’t.

Frank: And, there are no cheeleaders for ballet. Also, one is on a field, and the other is on a stage.

Bob: [ contemplating ] Yes.. but the Superdome is indoors, so they’re both indoors!

Jessica: Right! Of course! [ laughing ]

Frank: It is like ballet!

Bob: Well, whether or not football is a classic, eternal art form, remains to be seen. But one thing this sport clearly does is build character, and instill moral values.

Frank: And, on that note, Bill, I can only say: Vince Lombardi, Saint on Earth!

Jessica: Well, I don’t think that anyone can argue that, other than drugs, violence, and cheating in love, football is the best place to learn moral values outside a monestary!

Bob: But, Jessica, to say that football is the great moral and religious teacher of our youth, is really to trivialize it. What football is, is a metaphor for life.

Frank: Oh, that’s so true, Bob!

Bob: In life, you need a game plan. You call your signals, and you run your plays. You’ve gotta be careful not to fumble the ball, or you’ll get benched. But, if you get it, you can go all the way. Isn’t it strange how much football is like that, too?

Frank: Oh, that’s so right, Bob! This game tomorrow means a lot to all of us. Not because of the superb match of talent we’re going to see, but because each one of us has personally bet a lot of moeny on it!

Jessica: Well, I know that’s true for me, Frank, and I bet it holds true for most of our viewers as well.

Bob: We hope you’ve enjoyed this in-depth probe of tomorrow’s Superbowl. We hope you’ll tune in tomorrow to watch this historic contest between the Raiders and the.. Chargers.

Frank: Uh.. that’s Dallas.

Jessica: No, no.. it’s Eagles..

Bob: Whatever! We’ll be back right after this message.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe “King” Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Saturday Night Live Sports Central

…..Joe Piscopo
…..Matthew Laurence
Eddie Atari…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Saturday Night Sports studio ]

Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody! Joe Piscopo, live! Saturday Night Sports! Excitement! Tonight! Here! Now! Who would ever think we could top last week’s show, when we brought you the valiant Scotsmen ripping the kilt from each other’s waist in the masculine sport of Fair Dinkum! What could possibly be more exciting than a Scotsman without his kilts? How about an expedition where the code is Destroy or Be Destroyed! In a word — Danger! And when you’re talking about danger, you’re talking about ONE man! Eddie Atari! Let’s get RIGHT to the action!

[ cut to close-up of an Asteroids game screen ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Here’s Atari’s ship now — the strange, pie-shaped craft maneuvering, warming up, as the first asteroids drift into view! It’s a beautiful night — [ the game ship blows up an asteroid ] THERE!! He’s fired his first burst! Then, again! Punishing the giant rocks! Notice how he waits like a cool puma with a laser lotus! And again and again! Each shot a song! A hymn! A masterpiece of precision and timing! And there it is — the Italian maneuver, firing as he retreats! That’s his trademark! Oh, it’s carnage! It’s slaughter! Atari seems to be in total control, ladies and gentlemen! But, look out! He might be in trouble! Let’s go inside the ship, where our own Matt Laurence is standing by!

[ cut to Matthew Laurence reporting from inside the game ship, as Eddie Atari steers ]

Matthew Laurence: Oh, I’m right here, Joe! I’m here, but that was close! Eddie Atari blasted through a giant cluster with amazing agility! This is the most exciting event I’ve covered since the International Foosball Tournament in 1964! And how about Eddie Atari? In 1976, during an Asteroids exhibition, he hit his Hyperspace button and was lost for two years! But, still, he persists like a man possessed! Eddie! Eddie? What keeps you going?

Eddie Atari: Quarters! Quarters, man! As long as I got change for a dollar, you’ll find me right here!

Matthew Laurence: Whoa, what excitement, Joe! Of course, what we’re here for — what we’re ALL waiting for — is the appearance of the killer saucers! As everyone familiar with Asteroids knows, there’s a big saucer and a little saucer, and both are deadly! I think I see it now!

[ cut to game screen as a beeping noise centers upon the game ship ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Yes, you’re right, Matt, I hear it. I hear it, and — [ a flying saucer zooms past ] There it is! Yes, the quarry’s in his blind spot! [ the flying saucer is fired upon ] WHOA!!

[ cut to Eddie Atari at the controls, laughing ]

Matthew Laurence: Joe, Eddie Atari is jubilent! He took on the big saucer and smashed it like a piece of cheap crockery! But somewhere out there is a LITTLER saucer! We haven’t seen it yet! Eddie? Eddie, when? WHEN, Eddie?!

Eddie Atari: I don’t know, man! Get out of my face! When I see it, I’ll shoot it!

Matthew Laurence: You heard him, Joe! When he sees it… he’ll shoot it!

Eddie Atari: Uh-oh…

Matthew Laurence: Wait. Wait, I see something hurtling towards us!

[ cut to game screen, as the game ship whizzes past the Goodyear blimp ]

Joe Piscopo V/O: Matt, don’t worry about it — it’s only a Goodyear blimp.

Eddie Atari: I want the blimp! It’s BIG, man!

Matthew Laurence: Don’t fight it! Don’t fight it, man! It’s the Goodyear blimp!

Eddie Atari: Hey, I want it!

Matthew Laurence: Joe! Joe! He’s not gonna stop, he’s gonna go after the blimp!

[ Eddie fires his controls and smiles ]

Eddie Atari: Ha haaa!! I bagged it, man! I bagged the blimp!

[ return to Joe Piscopo in the sports studio ]

Joe Piscopo: Ohhhh, it’s horrible! Eddie Atari has massacred the blimp! Ohhhh, the humanity! Asteroids! Blimp! Disaster! Fail! Me! Words! Joe Piscopo, Saturday Night sports! Good night! Ohhhh, myyyy God! Ohhh, the humanity…!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts