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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 28th, 1978

Robert Klein

Bonnie Raitt

None

Bob Van Ry

Paul Shaffer

Michael O’Donoghue

Brian Doyle-Murray

Don Novello

Anne Beatts

Tom Schiller

Howard Shore

Mitchell Laurance


Rock ConcertSummary: Don Kirschner (Paul Shaffer) presents the “Mr. Mike (Muchael O’Donoghue) and Tina Turner” (Garrett Morris) Review, as the duo performs their rendition of “Proud Mary”.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirschner, Mr. Mike, Tina Turner.

Transcript

Montage

Robert Klein’s MonologueSummary: Robert Klein recalls the time in college when he portrayd Sherlock in “The Merchant of Venice”.

First Hosted: 75e.

Transcript

Olympia CafeSummary: Cheeseburgers are the only dish on the menu at Pete Dionasopolis’ (John Belushi) Olympia Cafe.

Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Nico Dionasopolis.

Transcript

The X-PoliceSummary: X-Police officers (Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray) break into the home of a cohabitating couple (Robert Klein, Laraine Newman) and kill them for violating the law.

Recurring Characters: X-Police.

Transcript

Bonnie Raitt performs “Runaway”Also Performed: 89k, 94b.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Jane Curtin reports on radioactive lobsters out of Nova Scotia. Science reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) explains what an aneurism is by sidelining into warts and toenails.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

Nick “Winters”Summary: Nick “Winters” (Bill Murray) sings the theme from “Star Wars” while entertaining skiiers in The Powder Room.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer, Jimmy Joe Red Sky, Shelley.

Transcript

Nerds Radio InterviewSumary: Disc jockey Larry Duggan (Dan Aykroyd) endures an interview with a trio of nerds (Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, Robert Klein) who have released a lame rock album.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Enid Loopner.

Frogs Look At FilmSummary: A close personal friend (Laraine Newman) of FRancois Truffaut examines Jerry Lewis’ (Robert Klein) starring role as “The Nutty Air Traffic Controller”.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Lewis.

Transcript

Giant Lobsters UpdateSummary: Jane Curtin informs Robert Klein that giant lobsters are descending upon New York City.

Transcript

Bonnie Raitt & Robert Klein perform “Give It Up or Let Me Go”Lyrics

Barbara & Rhonda on DopeSummary: Rhonda Weiss (Gilda Radner) and her friend Barbara (Jane Curtin) smoke dope together, but are soon freaking out in reality when they hear the sounds of atomic lobsters approaching.

Recurring Characters: Rhonda Weiss, Barbara.

Transcript

Attack Of The Atomic LobstersSummary: The lobsters burst into the studio and proceed to devour members of the cast, crew, and audience.

Transcript

Lobsters Take New York / GoodnightsSummary: Robert Klein reports on the havoc in the studio as the lobsters continue their rampage.

Transcript

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  Season 3: Episode 9

77i: Steve Martin / Dirt Band, Randy Newman

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
Roseanne Roseannadanna…..Gilda Radner

Dan Aykroyd: [ over image of crashed bus ] Coming up next: Ready Laker announces economy bus service to Miami. This story and more on “Weekend Update” at twelve o’clock.

[ dissolve to black ]

[ open on news set ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”. With the “Weekend Update” news team.

Jane Curtin: Before we start the news tonight, we at “Weekend Update” would like to take this opportunity to welcome Mr. Fred Silverman, the new President of NBC. As you know, Mr. Silverman was the programming whiz at ABC, and he has vowed to try to elevate NBC’s ratings in the same manner that he did in his previous job. We wish him luck. Now for the news. I’m Laverne Curtin.

Dan Aykroyd: I’m Shirley Aykroyd. And now, our top story tonight, of course, has to be about the big snow. Jane?

Jane Curtin: William H. Webster, the federal judge who was nominated Thursday to become the next director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, has not announced whether or not he will give up his membership in the all-male, all-white, mysterious order of the Vale Prophets. However, he did promise to “maintain the high standards and traditions of the FBI.” And, reportedly, 20 special agents were assigned to his home this morning to shovel snow, clean out his garage, and to unclog a stubborn kitchen drain.

As part of his recent religious conversion, publisher Larry Flynt has invited evangelist Oral Roberts to join the staff of Hustler Magazine. Today, Roberts accepted the offer and, in a spirit of compromise, has agreed to change his name to Oral Sex.

Dan Aykroyd: What do military men do when peace talks are at a stalemate? Well, during the suspension of Middle East peace talks, Israeli Foreign Minister Moshe Dayan plans to stand in for a retired Yul Brynner in Broadway’s hit revival of “The King and I”. [ nervously ] See… they look alike, somewhat, the two men…

More developments from the Middle East: The King of Saudi Arabia and the Emir of Kuwait, last week, had their beards epoxied together, in a demonstration of solidarity against Egypt’s peace moves. The two Arab leaders say they will stay this way until the controversy is settled, or until they run out of mouthwash — whichever is sooner.

Making show business news, also, was Leo the MGM lion, who was picked up in Los Angeles this week on a drunk and disorderly charge. The feline executive was reportedly STILL depressed over the death of Bert Lahr, some 10 years ago.

Jane Curtin: Well, Jimmy Carter has been President for a year and a a day. Let’s look at the record, shall we? His best friend, Bert Lance had been accused of questionable banking practices; His son, Chip, is having marital problems; His brother, Billy, is a beer-drinking clown; His mother, Lillian, is a wrestling groupie; His White House Staff Chief, Hamilton Jordan, is getting a divorce; his sister, Ruth Carter Stapleton, is associating with Larry Flynt, the pornographer. But, to be fair, let’s look at the bright side: Amy’s nurse is a convicted murderer. It restores one’s faith, doesn’t it?

Dan Aykroyd: And, in Louisiana, Frania Tye Lee, began her trial, in which she hopes to be declared the punitive wife of the late H.L. Hunt. Pictured here, Mrs. Lee is recovering from an accident she had in Poland, where her severed arm was sewed back on her body in emergency surgery.

And from Detriot: This week, the Buick division of General Motors recalled 12,000 cars that were mistakenly equipped with bedspreads, which were too long for the engine.

Jane Curtin: And now, with this week’s Consumer Report, is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna. Welcome, Roseanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thank you, Jane!

Jane Curtin: What areyou going to report on tonight?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane — Mr. Richard Feder of New York City writes in and says: “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna. I’ve got no heat. What should I do?” Well, Mr. Feder, I want to help you because I know how you feel. Once, I didn’t have no heat, and I was afraid I was gonna come down with the FLU! I had a temperature, I had the chills, I didn’t have too many blankets in my apartment. So I went outside to get some SOUP! Because it’s supposed to bw good for you if you’re clogged up. I go to the restaurant, I order soup, I got it… and wouldn’t you know? — There was a HAIR in it! Can you imagine that? It was about THIS long! [ she holds out her hands ] I thought I was gonna DIE!

Now, let me ask you this: Did you ever eat a hamburger, and there’s a HARD thing in it? You know, it’s like a toenail? And you know it’s not part of the hamburger, but you separate the meat and the pickle and the lettuce and the tomatoes all one side of your mouth, ’til, finally, you get it on your tongue — that little thing. And it’s like a bone! But it’s NOT a bone! I keep asking myself: “Roseanne Roseannadanna… If they can make a coffee you like, without caffeine, why can’t they make a HAMBURGER you like with NO TOENAIL?!”

Jane Curtin: What?!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Wait a minute! And what about when you get some fried chicken? You got a thigh, you got a breast, you got a leg, you got a wing… and then you got this other part, that’s got about two inches of breading on it, you know? And after you eat all the breading off of it, you don’t know what you got there!

And did you ever eat roast beef that had a rainbow on it? You know what I mean? It’s blue? How did they get that color? Did someone leave the beef out in the rain?! [ she laughs ]

You know what else I hate? Soft-boiled egg! There’s that goopy part that goes up and down, and up and down… You can’t keep it on your fork, it falls out of your fork onto your plate, and then it falls onto the spoon, and then onto the plate again… then it goes on your food again, then it goes onto the floor — so you gotta wipe it off and eat it off a TOWEL!!

And let me ask you this: Did you ever —

Jane Curtin: [ stopping her ] Roseanne?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What do you want?

Jane Curtin: You’re making me sick…

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What do you mean?

Jane Curtin: You’re making me NAUSEOUS, with all this talk about FOOD and HAIR! What does this got to do about a guy with no HEAT?!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane… It all goes to show you… that it’s always something! It’s like my father used to say to me when I was a little tiny girl, before I went to sleep. He’d say, “Roseanne Roseannadanna… it’s a jungle out there. Every dog has his day. You made your bed, so now you’ve gotta sleep in it. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you! When the going gets tough, the tough gets going! Don’t cry over spilt milk! And it’s 6 of 1, half-a-dozen of the other! Tomorrow’s another day. Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna!”

Jane Curtin: Roseanne… I think that, uh… I think that your father was right when he said, “Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna.”

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, look, Jane — How would you like to have dnner with me tonight?

Dan Aykroyd: I would… Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [ laughing ] Alright!

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant day tomorrow.

[ Dan shrugs, attempting to explain himself to Jane ]

Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday Night News”, keeping America informed for nover a fiftieth of a century.

[ fade ]

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  Season 3: Episode 9

77i: Steve Martin / Dirt Band, Randy Newman

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin
…..John Belushi

Steve Martin: He-ey![ singing ] “I’ve got music.. I’ve got rhy-hythmmm!”

Okay, welcome to “Saturday Night”, with the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, and, uh.. The Dirt Band. There was a big snowstorm in New York yesterday – we did not get ot rehearse at all, so.. that’s never stopped us before! And, uh, I’m excited – we have Randy Newman on the show.. I met Randy Newman, and, you know he’s only about this big? [ holds his finger and thumb an inch apart ]

Anyway, um.. it’s great to- [ reaches into his left pants pocket ] Hey! Wait a minute! I had $50 in here! And it’s gone! Wait a minute.. I had- this is my New York money, and it’s- I had it back in the dressing room.. John Belushi was back there.. I went back to the- [ a look of shock ] John Belushi stole my $50! I had it right here! This is my mnoey for- I can’t believe this! That he would actually steal $50! Where is he! This bothers me! I’m sorry, this- [ John Belushi stesp on stage ] You! You.. you.. you stole my $50! No, this kind of bugs me! You were in my dressing room, I went to make-up, these pants were in there, and this was where my $50 was – so you stole it, I’m sorry! Now, get out of here! Go on! [ Belushi exits ] No, I’m sorry, that just bothers me! No, I mean that bothers me! I mean, I know I had the $50 in here, because I never put my money in this pock- [ reaches into right pants pocket, stops cold ] Okay.

I’m sorry.. I’m just in a bad mood tonight. It’s this whole publicity thing. You know, my life has changed so much, so fast, with this.. I mean, what happened to private lives? Don’t I get to have a private life any more? I mean, the things they’re writing about me now, I just- I read a thing in the National Enquirer this morning.. that I could not believe. I mean, so what if I have this thing on my wienie? [ tsks ]

[ picks up glass of water to drink, accidentally spilling some on the microphone ]

Oh! Oh no, I spilled water, oh boy! Okay, you know- [ grabs microphone, receiving a huge electric shock; he lets go, catches his breath, then touches the microphone again for another shock ]

You.. can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You say.. “Steve.. how can I be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes?” First.. get a million dollars. Now.. you say, “Steve.. what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, ‘You.. have never paid taxes’?” Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: “I forgot!” How many times do we let ourselves get into terrible situations because we don’t say “I forgot”? Let’s say you’re on trial for armed robbery. You say to the judge, “I forgot armed robbery was illegal.” Let’s suppose he says back to you, “You have committed a foul crime. you have stolen hundreds and thousands of dollars from people at random, and you say, ‘I forgot’?” Two simple words: Excuuuuuse me!!“

We’ll be right back, after these words!

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  Season 3: Episode 9

77i: Steve Martin / Dirt Band, Randy Newman

Family Feud

Richard Dawson…..Bill Murray
Joe Mel…..Steve Martin
Mrs. Mel…..Gilda Radner
Joe Mel, Jr…..John Belushi
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: It’s time for America’s most popular family game show – “Family Feud”! Now, here’s your host, former “Hogan’s Heroes” regular, Richard Dawson!

Richard Dawson: [ enters the game show set ] Hello, everyone. I hope you’re as excited as I’m pretending to be, because we’re ready to play “Family Feud”. Okay, is everyone ready? Let’s meet our first family – the Joe Mels, from El Camino del Ray Mar Vista, California, here they are! [ the Mels run onto the set and stand behind their podium ] Settle down, kids. Hello, Joe, why don’t you tell us what you do for a living?

Joe Mel: Hello, Richard, I’m the spokesman for the Romaine Lettuce Growers of California. You know, too many people use iceberg lettuce in their salad, and you’d be surprised just how exciting a salad can be with a little Romaine lettuce!

Richard Dawson: [ playing with his fingernails ] Well, so far, Joe, you’re about as exciting as one of your salads.. so let us move on.. [ approaches Mrs. Mel and kisses her ] What do you do?

Mrs. Mel: Well, I teach an assertiveness training class for women in El Camino del Ray Mar Vista. And I cook.

Richard Dawson: Oh? Well, what do you cook?

Mrs. Mel: Well, I cook salads and a lot of Romaine BLTs! We’d love to have you come for dinner!

Richard Dawson: Alright. Well, if I can’t make it, I’ll send myrabbit.

[ the Mels laugh ]

Joe Mel: You know, we have a rabbit?

Mrs. Mel: We do!

Richard Dawson: Alright.. now here’s the cute little son, Joe Mel. Jr. [ pinches Joe, Jr.’s cheek ] He’s a sharp little guy, and we’re expecting a lot out of you today, little fella!

Joe Mel, Jr.: Aw, can we cut the condescending crap, and play the game?

Richard Dawson: Whatever you say, Joe. [ slaps him in the face ] Okay.. let’s meet the opponents – the Beldar Conehead family! [ the Coneheads walk onto the set and stand behind their podium ] Hello, Beldar.

Beldar Conehead: Greetings.

Richard Dawson: Thank you. You’re a big fella. What do you do for a living?

Beldar Conehead: I am a driving instructor.

Richard Dawson: And, uh, where do you folks come from?

Beldar Conehead: [ looks at his family ] France! We come from France!

Richard Dawson: Okay. [ approaches Prymaat and kisses her ] Hello there, Mrs. Conehead. What’s your name, and what do you do besides keeping Beldar happy?

Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat. I maintain our home base and enjoy preparing mass quantities of consumables for my family unit.

Richard Dawson: Well, good luck to you, Prymaat. [ notices Connie ] And this is your lovely daughter. I see where you get your good looks You’re French, so I’ll give you a French kiss, how’s that?

Connie Conehead: [ reaches in for Richard’s French kiss ] Oh baby, oh baby..!

Richard Dawson: Well, uh.. they start early in France, what theheck! What’s your name, dear? What do you do?

Connie Conehead: My name is Connie. I am 16 earth years old.

Richard Dawson: Alright, there’s our families, now let’s start the Feud! Joe and Beldar, come on, let’s go! [ Joe walks up to the main podium, but Beldar walks in too far ] Okay, Doctor.. we’re gonna need a little more room, big fella.. [ guides him to his side of the podium ] There you go, stand behind this line.. Now, here’s the Toss-Up question, which we asked 100 people in our studio audience. Try to give the answer they gave the most. Alright? Name something people like to bite.

Beldar Conehead: [ beating Joe to the buzzer ] Protoid Capsules!

Richard Dawson: Protoid Capsules? Alright, that’s an interesting answer. I never would have said that. You said that, Big Guy. So, show me “Protoid Capsules”! [ the Coneheads receive a Strike, and sound their dismay ] Tough luck there, fella. [ looks at Beldar’s cone head ] That’s a very interesting head you have there. What do I do, break it open and let all the presents fall out? Ha ha! [ Beldar looks confused ] Alright, Mel Family! You might be able to steal this one if you tell me something people like to bite.

Joe Mel: [ thinking ] Uh.. Romaine Lettuce!

Richard Dawson: Okay. Show me “Romaine Lettuce”! [ “ROMAINE LETTUCE: 1” appears on the game board ] Alright! One person said “Romaine Lettuce”. You’re on the board, Mel Family! Are you gonna pass or play?

[ the family considers ]

Joe Mel: Uh.. I can only think of Romaine Lettuce. We’re gonna pass.

Richard Dawson: Alright. [ returns to the Coneheads ] Prymaat, what else do you think our survey showed that people like to bite?

Prymaat Conehead: Organically-enacted meat or vegetable matter between two starch plains.

Richard Dawson: [ nonplussed ] It’s a long walk back to France if you don’t get this one right, Prymaat. Alright.. show me “organically-enacted meat or vegetable matter between two starch plains!” [ “SANDWICH: 12” appears on the game board ] Sandwich! Alright! That’s acceptable! Twelve people said Sandwich. Alright, Connie, something that people like to bite.

Connie Conehead: Mmm.. The Big One!

Richard Dawson: Bite the Big One? Alright, does our audience bite the big one? Well, we all want to know that one. Show me “The Big One!” [ “The Big One: 46” appears on the game board ] Alright, you’re really rolling now, Coneheads! Now, it’s up to you, Beldar. What else do people like to bite?

Beldar Conehead: A trapeze!

Richard Dawson: [ bewildered ] Just out of curiosity, Beldar.. are you people circus folks?

Beldar Conehead: [ turns to his family and repeats Richard Dawson’s question in their native language ]

[ the Coneheads laugh at Richard Dawson’s question ]

Richard Dawson: Well, I had to ask. Alright.. show me “Trapeze!” [ the Coneheads receive a Strike and sound their dismay ] Alright. Mel Family! [ walks across game show set ] You’ve got a chance to steal the points and win the game. What’s it going to be?

[ the family starts arguing over their answer ]

Joe Mel, Jr.: Chicken Neck! Dad, will you just listen to me for once in your life? I’m telling you it’s Chicken Neck!

Joe Mel: Will you shut up and let me decide?! [ to Richard ] We’ll go with Chicken Neck.

Richard Dawson: Gonna take the advice of Joe, Jr. If you’re wrong, the Coneheads will win.

Joe Mel, Jr.: Chicken Neck! Chicken Neck!

Richard Dawson: Show me “Chicken Neck!”

[ the Mels get a Strike ]

Mrs. Mel: [ to Joe, Jr. ] You stupid moron! We’re sending you to military school!

Joe Mel, Jr.: I wanna go, I wanna go!

Joe Mel: You don’t deserve my name!

Joe Mel, Jr.: I don’t want it, I don’t want it!

Richard Dawson: Well, what a happy, happy bunch of Coneheads! [ the Coneheads press their cones together ] Well, we’re awfully sorry, Mel Family, but I guess you lost..

Joe Mel: Well, we knew they’d win when we saw the size of their heads.

Richard Dawson: Well, I’m sure that was said in the best spirit of the game, huh?

Joe Mel: No, it wasn’t!

Richard Dawson: Well, nobody cares, because you’re losers, what do you think about that? Alright! Beldar Conehead Family, you now have a chance to play for Fast Money! Who’s gonna play for it?

Beldar Conehead: I, Beldar, will attempt to obtain Fast Money.

Richard Dawson: Alright, Beldar, let’s make some Fast Money! Come on down here! [ Beldar walks to the center of the stage ] Alright, Beldar, I’m gonna ask you five questions at $100 a piece. I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your head.. which will probably be a low-flying plane.

Beldar Conehead: Proceed, human, proceed!

Richard Dawson: [ confused ] Is that like “Go, man, go”? [ the countdown clock starts ticking ] Alright.. name a famous explorer.

Beldar Conehead: Vypron the Insistent. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: The biggest holiday of the year.

Beldar Conehead: The Moons of Mypzor! [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: A place you keep your valuables.

Beldar Conehead: In a muldra iron field.

Richard Dawson: A mode of transportation.

Beldar Conehead: A phone shoe. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: Something you eat with eggs.

Beldar Conehead: Fiberglass. [ Strike ]

Richard Dawson: Alright, fella, you were on quite a roll there. No points, no money. Don’t feel bad about it, though, you’ll be back tomorrow and have another chance at Fast Money. Until then, everybody, remember old people are our greatest national resources. So check in one today and push them around the block. So long, everybody! [ starts jumping with the Coneheads ]

[ zoom out to fade ]

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  Season 3: Episode 9

77i: Steve Martin / Dirt Band, Randy Newman

State of the Union 1978

Reporter V/O…..Tom Davis
Tip O’Neil…..John Belushi
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Walter Mondale…..Bill Murray

Announcer: “Bruce Jenner Wins The Javelin Catch” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program:

[ dissolve to “State of the Union 1978” slide ]

Reporter V/O: This is Washington correspondent Barry Potter here at the Capitol. The House Doorkeeper is about to announce the President, as we go to the floor.

[ cut to footage of House Doorkeeper James Malloy taking the floor ]

House Doorkeeper: Mr. Speaker! The President of the United States!

Reporter V/O: The President is entering the chamber. He’s smiling — obviously, very happy he’s still President. Congressmen from both sides of the aisle are standing and applauding, as is traditional for even the most disrespectful and incompetent of presidents. Mr. Carter has now reached the podium, and the Speaker will give a short announcement.

Tip O’Neil: Here he is, ladies and gentlemen! The President of the United States!

[ President Carter arrives, shakes hands and hands note sheets to both men ]

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you… Mr. Vice-President, Mr. Speaker… members of United States Congress, ladies and gentlemen. Two years ago today, we had the first caucus in Iowa; a year ago, I walked from here to the White House to take up duties as President of the United States. Since I hope to do the same in 1981, you can be sure that I’m gonna stand before you today and tell you the State of the Union is sound! [ everyone applauds ]

[ image: James Schlesinger, Secretary of Energy, with TAG: “Wearing New Shirt” ]

President Jimmy Carter: This year, our country will have the first $2 trillion economy in the history of the world. What do I mean by that? I mean, one-thousand million is a billion, and one-thousand billion is a trillion; Two trillion is two-thousand billion dollars, and I believe that’s a lot of money!

[ behind Carter, Tip O’Neil opens a can of beer and drinks, as Vice-President Walter Mondale yawns and falls sleep ]

President Jimmy Carter: This resource will provide a trade balance, and, in turn, balance it aganst the pressures of an ever-balancing domestic economy balance. WE hope to create groeth incentives and job-creating areas like… the manufacturing of disposable cigarette lighters.,, disposable razors, and cheap paperback romances.

[ cut to exterior of the Capitol as it snows, with SUPER: “12 inches” ]

[ cut to slow pan of footage of politicians watching Carter in the Capitol, with SUPER: “All thinking about snow tires” ]

President Jimmy Carter: We’re a great country, a STRONG country, a vital and dynamic country, and so we will remain. We’re a confident people! A hard-working people! A decent and compassionate people. And so we will remain.

[ cut to footage of Sen. Howard Baker, with SUPER: “Trying to look upset” ]

President Jimmy Carter: We’re a cold, hungry, and unemployed people. And so we will remain. Those of you who are unemployed MUST have jobs! Jobs are basic human needs!

[ cut to footage of Edmund Muskie, with SUPER: “Senator from Mars” ]

President Jimmy Carter: Therefore, you NEED jobs!

[ behind Carter, Tip O’Neil throws a paper airplane, as Walter Mondale shuffles a deck of cards ]

President Jimmy Carter: It is the intention of this administration to initiate dynamic programs for the young and disadvantaged. Specifically, a program of t-shirt distribution for the young and disadvantaged. [ he unfolds a t-shirt that reads “YOUNG AND DISADVANTAGED” and holds it over the podium ] Designed by my son Chip, these will help them help themselves become more visible. [ he folds the t-shirt back ] We come together tonight… we mourn the loss of a great man — Senator Hubert Humphrie. Who taught us that we’re a community and all our fates are linked. You the people, and I your President. How our futures intertwine. I’m sorry, but tht’s the way it is for a while. We have no choice but to act in that knowledge and spirit — together! And, as the Bible says: We CAN move mountains!

[ cut to footage of a black woman in the Capitol yawning ]

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you very much. I have nothing else to say, but “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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  Season 3: Episode 9

77i: Steve Martin / Dirt Band, Randy Newman

The Mystery of Bigfoot

Husband…..John Belushi
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Park Ranger McConnell…..Steve Martin

[ open on couple sitting at the table in their cabin ]

Husband: [ reading the newspaper ] Boy, honey… All of this fuss around these parts about that Bigfoot sure is getting out of hand, isn’t it?

Wife: [ knitting ] Sure is! It’s getting so people around here are scared of their own shadow!

Husband: Yep.

[ a knock at the door ]

Husband: Come on in! The door’s always open!

Wife: Come on in!

[ Park Ranger McConnell enters ]

Park Ranger McConnell: Why, that’s some blizzard out there! My snowmobile broke down about a mile back!

Wife: Why, look — it’s Park Ranger McConnell!

Husband: Well, Park Ranger McConnell — What made you leave the warmth of your ranger station to come out on a night like this?

Park Ranger McConnell: Well, we just got word from Park Warden Mitchell to evacuate this whole area! From Moose Creek… over to Otter Valley! You know — Bigfoot’s loose again, and we gotta solve this mystery! The Red Cross has set up some cots down at the gymnasium at Bunyon High School! They’ve instructed ME and all the other rangers to get everybody out of here, from all of Moose Creek to clear down to Otter Valley! You know — each one of these guns is loaded with one of these tranquilizer darts! In case we ee Bigfoot, we can STUN him and CATCH him before someone gets hurt!

Wife: Well — Do you really think there’s any truth to these stories about Bigfoot, Ranger McConnell?

Park Ranger McConnell: Well… For one thing, during the last six months there’s been sightings of… GIANT Bigfoot tracks, why all the way from Moose Creek, oh, way out to Otter Valley. Why, there’s HUNDREDS of Bigfoot tracks all the way around this cabin! Perhaps you’ve had soem close brushes with this elusive creature that might bring me a step closer to bringing Bigfoot to captivity!

Husband: Oh, as you know now, Park Ranger McConnell, we’ve been living here six months now, and we’ve been all over these parts — you know, from Moose Creek all the way to Otter Valley… and we ain’t never seen no Bigfoot! [ he raises his leg and prope his massively oversized foot on the table.

Wife: Yeah. Sorry, Ranger McConnell, we can’t be of no help. But you know somthing? Why don’t you sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee? [ she stands, revealing her own large feet ] Have s seat!

Park Ranger McConnell: Alright… [ he takes her seat ] Boy, that’s a nice wooden stove you got there.

Wife: Ohhhhhhh, Santa brought it to me! I woke up Christmas moening and found it in my stocking!

Park Ranger McConnell: [ he stares, confused ] Boy, you know — This is really a mystery! You SURE you’ve never seen a creature around here that would leave a footprint about… oh… [ he spreads his hands around her boot ] this big?

Husband: No… no, no, no, no… Most creatures around here, you know — an otter, a wof, a deer, a fox — they all have pretty small feet. [ he puts on a fur bear coat ]

Wife: Well, Ranger McConnell — What does this here Bigfoot thing look like?

Park Ranger McConnell: Well… The only sightings of Bigfoot himself have been made from long distances in blizzards. But they all agree… that the creature always walks UPRIGHT like a man, with a THICK FUR covering his body.

Husband: [ he places the furry hat over his head ] No… never seen nothing like that. Well, I gotta go cut some more wood.

Wife: Alright, honey. You be careful now.

Husband: Okay.

Wife: Watch out for that blizzard. Want me to get the door?

Husband: [ struggling ] I’ll get the door here…

Wife: Get that door!

[ he pulls the door open, as the snow blows in ]

Wife: Whoa! Watch out for that! [ she helps close the door ] Ranger McConnell. Since your snowmobile broke — I mean, why don’t you spend the night here with us. I mean, we got an extra mattress, and you can use one of my SOCKS as a sleeping bag.

Park Ranger McConnell: No, I’m sorry, I — I can’t rest until I solve the mystery of Bigfoot.

Wife: Well… Good luck!

Park Ranger McConnell: Well, thank you. And say goodbye to your husband for me.

Wife: Well…

Park Ranger McConnell: [ glancing out the window ] HEY!! THERE HE IS!! IT’S BIGFOOT!! He’s around the wood pile! [ he busts through the window with his shotgun, then fires ] Wait a minute… That was your husband!!

Wife: Oh, no! It must have been the long distance and the blizzard.

Park Ranger McConnell: Yes. The wilderness likes to play funny tricks on a man.

[ Husband re-enters the cabin, an arrow piercing his fur coat ]

Husband: You know… Now that you mention it, I did notice a lot of big footprints going to and from the wood pile. You know? [ he breathes heavily ] Boy, I’m really tired! I think I’m gonna take a little nap.

Park Ranger McConnell: You know… just a minute ago I looked out, and I thought you were Bigfoot!

Husband: [ he laughs ] You must have been FOOLED by the long distance and the blizzard.

Park Ranger McConnell: Yeah… I guess I was. You know, it gives me the CREEPS to think that Bigfoot creature is out there somewhere. Why… he could be anywhere. He could be around this cabin right now!

Husband: Well… he could be! He could be there!

[ Husband and Wife lea back and prop their giant feet up on the table ]

Park Ranger McConnell: I’ll tell you something: I guess we’ll never solve this mystery of… Bigfoot.

[ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Can Nielsen Families Intermarry?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 9

Air Date:

Host:
Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 21st, 1978

Steve Martin

The Dirt Band

Randy Newman

None

None

Mitchell Laurance

State of the Union 1978Summary: Walter Mondale (Bill Murray), Tip O’Neil (John Belushi), and other attending politicians react with boredom to President Jimmy Carter’s (Dan Aykroyd) State of the Union Address.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Walter Mondale, Tip O’Neil.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin accuses John Belushi of stealin $59, electrocutes himself, then tells the audience how they can be a millionaire and never pay taxes.
First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

SwillSummary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) savors the flavor of the mineral weater dredged from Lake Erie.
Note: Repeat from: 77b.

The Mystery of BigfootSummary: Park Ranger (Steve Martin) doesn’t realize that the friendly mountaineer (John Belushi) with large feet is the supposed Bigfoot create he’s been hunting.

Transcript

The Festrunk BrothersSummary: Jorge (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) are prepared to swing with a pair of computer dates, fully expecting them to be American girls with big breasts and not like-minded Croatian woman (Jane Curtin, Laraien Newman).

Recurring Characters: Jorge Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk, Cliff.

Transcript

Dirt Band performs “On the Loose with the Blues”

Body FlossSummary: The Swedish cleaning string that makes hygeine fun.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Consumer reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wanders from a commentary on a viewer’s heating problem to her disgust with toenails.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

Randy Newman performs “Short People” & “Rider In The Rain”First Performed: 75b.

Family FeudSummary: The Conehead Family (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman) compete against the Romaine lettuce-loving Mel Family (Steve Marton, Gilda Radner, John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.

Transcript

Hollywood HomesSummary: Steve Martin gives a tour of the outsides of the homes of his “close personal friends.”

What If?Summary: Joan Cage (Jane Curtin) and her panel of experts consider the hypothetical prospect of Napoleon (John Belushi) with a B-52 bomber.

Steve Martin and Dirt Band performs “White Russia”

GoodnightsTranscript

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

American Date the Self-Concious Association

Man…..Bill Murray
Woman…..Gilda Radner
Spokeswoman…..Laraine Newman
Charlie Glatt…..John Belushi
Steve Larne…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The following is a dramatic re-enactment by the American Date the Self-Concious Association.

[ dissolve to a self-concious man and woman sitting on a couch, self-concious in all areas – sniffing her arms, checking his pants zipper, checking their breath, fiudgeting on the couch as much as possible in order to avoid having to say anything ]

Man: Did you – did you say something?

Woman: I-I’m sorry.. what?

[ they continue to fidget, as we dissolve to the Spokeswoman ]

Spokeswoman: Acute self-conciousness can be tragic. Of course, everybody is self-concious, but not everybody is aware of it. These people are. Painfully so. So, let’s watch more closely, as they attempt to make a date for New Year’s Eve.

[ dissolve back to the couple fidgeting on the couch ]

Man: Hi, how are you?

Woman: Fine, how are you?

Man: Fine. How are you?

Woman: Fine, how are you?

[ a brief, awkward silence, then: ]

Together: Nice day, huh —

Man: [ chuckles ] No, no, go ahead!

Woman: No, no, no —

Man: No, no! I was gonna say, “Go ahead!”

Woman: No, you go ahead, you said —

Man: No, it’s alright. I can wait.

Woman: [ nervously ] Um.. look, uh.. uh.. just ignore me, uh.. it’s just that, a-a-as I listen to myself, I just hear myself saying, as I listen to myself, and I’m thinking to myself as I listen to myself — [ stops to laugh ] Oh! That’s the third time I’ve said, “As I listen to myself!” That’s four! I said it four times!

Man: [ chuckles with her ] Uh.. th-that’s okay, I wasn’t listening. No, no, wait! I mean I wasn’t listening to the part you didn’t want me to hear!

[ they laugh nervously, looking away from one another ]

Man: Uh, uh.. you, uh.. you w-wouldn’t w-want to go out with me on New Year’s, would ya’? [ shakes his head ] No! Of course not!

Woman: I really w-w-wouldn’t be any fun, you’d hate it!

[ they laugh nervously, looking away from one another, as we dissolve back to the Spokeswoman ]

Spokeswoman: Pretty pathetic. These people are much too self-concious ever to get together. Which is a pity, because they have so much in common – they’re both twitching wrecks. I understand their pain, because I, too, used to be self-concious. I’ve just about licked it, except for occasaionally when there are a lot of people, uh.. [ suddenly aware of the studio audience ] ..watching me. [ a beat ] A whole lot of people watching me.. [ raises her left hand to nervously twirl her hair, then moves down to rub her nose ] They’re watching me now, aren’t they? [ keeps rubbing her nose ] Is something hanging out of my nose? [ losers her hand, smiles nervously ] It’s okay.. I’m all right! There’s no hope for a happy New Year’s for the acutely self-concious. Not unless they’re fortunate enough to meet someone so extremely obnoxious, that he or she doesn’t notice their acute self-conciousness.

[ camera pans out to reveal an extremely obnoxious man dressed in really loud, obnoxious clothing ]

Spokeswoman: On my left here, is Charlie Glatt, Secretary/Treasurer for the Society for the Extremely Obnoxious.

Charlie Glatt: Hi, how are ya’?

[ he holds out his hand to shake, but he has a joy buzzer hidden in his palm. Spokeswomnan shaes his hand and receives the zap, to Charlie’s delight ]

Charlie Glass: Hiya, hiya, hiya! Glad to be here! Glad to be anywhere! Charlie’s the name, and charm’s the game! Ha haaaa!! As an extremely obnoxious person, I used to strike out with classy broads New Year’s after New Year’s! Until one lucky day, I met this pathetic lame-o who was so acutely self-concious, she didn’t even notice how extremely obnoxious I was! [ laughs, hits his buzzer, twists his cap ]

Spokeswoman: The self-concious know who they are. But extremely obnoxious people don’t. [ Charlie continues to make noises and faces next to her ] Or else, they’d be self-concious about it. Maybe you’re unsure whether you’re obnoxious enough to date the self-concious. If so, why not drop by the League For The Brutally Tactless, and find out for yourself? We’re sorry we don’t have anybody from the Brutally Tactless League here to speak for themselves, but they refused to be in this public service message because they said it was really stupid. But we are fortunate enough to have with us, a member of the Really Stupid People’s Amalgamation, Steve Larne.

[ camera pans out to reveal a stupid man dressed like a dork in a red-and-white sweater and ski cap ]

Steve Larne: [ loudly ] We don’t have money for our own TV ad! So give us money and be nice to us, and take us out for New Year’s todaaaaay!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the Acutely Self-Concious/Extremely Obnoxious Coalition in conjunction with the League For The Brutally Tactless and with a cameo by the Really Stupid People’s Amalgamation.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

Drunken Santa

Santa … Bill Murray
Girl … Gilda Radner

[A little girl sits on a department store Santa’s lap.Santa laughs.]

Girl: Mr. Santa?

Santa: Yes, my dear?

Girl: For Christmas, could I have a Busy BrendaMystery Action Vacuum Cleaner Doll?

Santa: Nope. Sorry.

Girl: Well, Mr. Santa, could I please have thebattery-operated Dog Family?

Santa: Noooo.

Girl: Well, could I please have a Flexy the PocketMonkey?

Santa: No, you may not have a Flexy the Pocket Monkey!

Girl: Mr. Santa, could I have a Ready Ranger FieldSet?

Santa: Nope, no Field Set. But, you know, I’ll tellya, there’s something I WILL give you. Santa’s TrapDoor! Ha! [Santa spreads his legs and the girl tumblesto the floor] Whoa! One of Santa’s oldest bits! And heloves it!

Girl: [climbs back into Santa’s lap] Mister–

Santa: You fell for it, stupid! What else don’t youwant?

Girl: Well–

Santa: Or want – want and just can’t have!

Girl: Mr. Santa, could I please have some Clay-Doh?

Santa: Oh ho, you want Clay-Doh?

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: Isn’t that adorable?

Girl: Yes! I just want, uh, some Clay-Doh so I cantake it and build my parents a summer house.

Santa: Enough Clay-Doh to build a summer house …

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: … for your parents?

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: Well, since that is an awful lot of Clay-Doh –and because you want it so much — I’ll just have tosay … NO! HA! I love it!

Girl: Mr. Santa, then, could I please have a set ofPez? They don’t cost very much and they’re very, verytiny, and sometimes they’re even free.

Santa: Well, that’s not a very big request forChristmas and since that’s all you want — YOU CAN’THAVE IT! OHHH! Santa’s really getting off on this! HA!Look, there is something–

Girl: Why not?

Santa: No, honey, there is something I do want to giveyou.

Girl: What’s that?

Santa: SANTA’S TRAP DOOR AGAIN!!! I LOVE IT! [Santaspreads his legs and the girl tumbles to the floor]OH! SANTA’S REALLY GETTING IT OFF! [takes a bottlefrom his pocket]

Girl: [climbs back into Santa’s lap] Mr. Santa! [offthe bottle] What’s this, Mr. Santa?

Santa: This is for the brothers that aren’t here.[takes a swig]

Girl: Is that for when you’re thirsty?

Santa: Yes, that’s right, you little brat. [pocketsthe bottle] Santa has to stay warm because he he hasto fly back to the North Pole every single day. Now,if you be a good girl, keep your trap shut and don’ttell mommy about Santa’s little bottle, I’ll bring youeverything you want. Now, here’s – here’s a candy canefor you, my dear. [gives the girl a candy cane]

Girl: Oh, thank you, Mr. Santa!

Santa: You’re welcome.

Girl: This is the nicest talk we ever had.

Santa: Ha ha! Is it?

Girl: Mr. Santa, look! There’s something on yourbeard! Right here! [puts a finger on his beard]

Santa: [looks down] Where?

Girl: [bops him in the nose] There!

Santa: Ahh!

[Girl jumps off Santa’s lap and runs away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

Least-Loved Bedtime Tale: The Soiled Kimono

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Laraine … Laraine Newman
Mr. Mike … Michael O’Donoghue
“Fingers,” the Pianist … Cheryl Hardwick

[Sound of thunder crashing and rain pouring down as weopen on an exterior view of a brick building framed bypalm fronds. Above a broken window, a sign reads:CORAL WATERS BAR & GRILL. Through the window, we see auniformed sailor seated at a table and a bartenderstanding behind the bamboo bar wiping down thecountertop. As we slowly zoom forward through thewindow, the noises of the storm outside disappear andwe hear piano music.

We slowly zoom in on the bearded, bespectacledbartender: Mr. Mike — a thin gentleman who wears adark suit, no necktie, a shirt open at the collar anddark eyeglasses. A lit cigarillo is clenched betweenhis teeth as he wipes the bar with a cloth. On thewall behind him: numerous bottles of liquor, a fishnet, and a huge fish, stuffed and mounted.

It’s near closing time: chairs have been put up ontables and the only customer is the half-conscioussailor who hunches over his drink while smoking acigarette. The pianist, a young woman nicknamed”Fingers,” sits at a piano decorated with a plasticsilver and blue Christmas tree. She plays a slow,quiet version of “Have Yourself a Merry LittleChristmas.”

Laraine, a thin woman in a red evening gown enters thebarroom and walks unsteadily to the bar where she sitson a stool. In the background, a glowing neon signreads: MR. MIKE’S Coral Waters Cafe. Laraine, slurringher words, drunkenly addresses Mr. Mike who polishes aglass with his cloth.]

Laraine: M-Mr. Mike, I – I need a Least-LovedBedtime Tale. I need one real bad.

Mr. Mike: Sure thing, Laraine, but I’m afraidyou’re gonna have to sing for it.

Laraine: Aw, Mr. Mike, you know I can’t singany more — not since I started hitting thesauce.

Mr. Mike: Well, if you wanna hear a Least-LovedBedtime Tale, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to sing thearia from Madame Butterfly.

Laraine: Sing the aria from MadameButterfly? [looks away, distressed] I can’t singthat. I – I – I could sing “These Boots areMade for Walking.” [thinks] Or any old Nancy Sinatrasong. [desperate] Please, don’t make me sing the ariafrom Madame Butterfly, please.

Mr. Mike: Sorry, cupcake, but – no aria, nobedtime tale. That’s how it is.

Laraine: Well, in that case, I–

Mr. Mike: [abruptly, to the pianist who glancesat him] Say, “Fingers,” why don’t you accompany thelittle lady on the piano while I mix her up one of myspecial drinks, the – the one I call – [into thecamera] – the Soiled Kimono.

[“Fingers” plays and a reluctant Laraine bravelystruggles through the aria (“Un bel dì” a.k.a. “OneFine Day”), singing in a screechy, drunken voice. Asshe does, Mr. Mike casually fixes the drink on the barbeside her.]

Laraine: [sings]
One fine day, we’ll notice
A tiny smoke cloud nearing
On the sea, in the far horizon,
And then his ship appearing

[During the first few lines of the aria, asuperimposed text scrolls by:]

HOW TO MAKE A SOILED KIMONOMix 2/3 glass costly French champagneWith 1/3 glass Japanese plum wineAnd top with apaper butterfly.Laraine: [sings]
Now the mighty war ship
Slowly comes to harbor
Cannons roar a welcome
See, there, how I know it!

[Over the rest of the song, another – longer -superimposed text scrolls by:]

THE STORY OF
THE DRINK

A Japanese aviator was
angry with an unfaithful
Geisha girl.
“Take this!” he said,
flinging 2/3rds of a glass
of costly French champagne
in her face.
“And this!” he said,
flinging 1/3rd of a glass
of Japanese plum wine
in her face.
“And this!” he said,
flinging a paper butterfly
in her face.
“Why this tastes delicious!”
she exclaimed, kissed him,
and then hit him
in the lungs
with a gardening tool.
The end.

Laraine: [sings]
I’m dying of rejoicing
And then, in agitation,
He will call, he will call:
“My precious little darling,
My lovely silver goddess!”
Those loving names I will always remember
All I say will come true, you must believe me!
Love cannot be mistakened
But, there, can beat unshakened
Foreverrrrrrrrrrr!

[Laraine hits some long high notes on the last fewsyllables just as the scrolling text ends.Simultaneously, Mr. Mike tops off the Soiled Kimonowith a paper butterfly which twists and turns in theglass. Much applause. Laraine, trembling andexhausted, reaches for the drink but can barely liftit. She lowers her head. In the background, “Fingers”quietly plays “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roastingon an Open Fire)” throughout the rest of thesketch.]

Mr. Mike: [hands the glass to Laraine] Here,drink this, kid. I – I think you’re gonna needit.

Laraine: Okay. [desperate] Now will you tell mea Least-Loved Bedtime Tale, please? [puts her hand onhis] Y-you promised.

Mr. Mike: Well, I’m afraid not, dollface.

Laraine: [distressed] Butwhy?

Mr. Mike: Because you sang lousy, that’s why.’Cause you don’t deserve a “Least-Loved BedtimeTale.”

Laraine: [on the verge of tears] Oh, Mr. Mike,you’re so cruel!

Mr. Mike: Well – [Laraine sobs] – sometimes ya- you have to be cruel, Laraine.

Laraine: [thinks she understands, looks up athim] In order to be kind, Mr. Mike?

Mr. Mike: No, in – in order to be even crueler.Now, scram. Put an egg in your shoe and beat it. It’sclosing time.

[Mr. Mike turns away from Laraine who looks at thepaper butterfly in her drink and twirls it in herfingers. After a pause, she asks Mr. Mike:]

Laraine: Do – do you eat the butterfly?

[Mr. Mike turns to stare at Laraine for a long, longmoment as the camera pulls back and away. Finally, heturns his back to her and looks around for a clothwith which to wipe down the liquor bottles behind him.Applause. We pull slowly back to reveal the nowunconscious sailor slumped face down at his table. Wepull all the way back through the broken window to endon the same exterior view of the building with whichwe began. Sounds of thunder and rain. Fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts