Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVD

Director’s Voice…..Paul Brittain
Al Pacino…..Bill Hader
Eddie Murphy…..Jay Pharoah
Jennifer Tilly…..Kristen Wiig
Sam Kinison…..Bobby Moynihan
Robin Williams…..Jon Hamm

[ open with clips from “Back to the Future” ]

Announcer: 25 years ago, Robert Zemeckis took us on a journey… back in time. And now, you can take that journey again, with the 25th Anniversary DVD of “Back to the Future”. Including never-before-seen screen tests:

[ cut to vintage screen test clip ]

Director’s Voice: Al Pacino, as Doc Brown!

Al Pacino: Alright… alright… alright. I’m Doc Brown! “MARTY! If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour! You’re gonna see some serious shi–“

Director’s Voice: Okay, cut!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Eddie Murphy. Screen test.

Eddie Murphy: “Doc, Doc! Listen to me! The bruise on your head — I KNOW what happened! You told me the whole story! You were standing on your toilet… you were hanging the clock… you FELL!.. and you hit your head on the SINK! And THAT’S when you came up with the idea of the FLUX capacitor!” [ a beat ] Hey, man, what the hell’s this movie about?!

Director’s Voice: It’s about time travel, Eddie.

Eddie Murphy: TIME travel?! [ he chuckles and claps his hands ] Oh, my God, that is HILARIOUS! That’s CRAZY, man! That’s FUNNY! That means you can go in the FUTURE, and do some stuff your ass ain’t even done yet! Like, hey — I ain’t slippin’ yet, but I WILL! YEAH!! [ he chuckles ] That is funny!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Jennifer Tilly. Take One. “Why do you keep calling me Calvin?”

Jennifer Tilly: [ nasally ] “Well, that’s your name, isn’t it? “Calvin Klein”? It’s written all over your underwe-e-ear.”

Director’s Voice: Okay. Maybe you could play it a little more natural?

Jennifer Tilly: Sure. [ no change ] “Calvin Klein. It’s written all over your underwe-e-ear.” Hey. That was great.

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Sam Kinison. Take One.

Sam Kinison: [ subdued ] “Wait, Doc… Are you telling me… that you built a time machine… out of a [ screaming ] DE-LOR-E-ANNN??!! YOU IDIOT!!!” [ starts screaming wildly ]

Director’s Voice: Wait! Sam!

Sam Kinison: AAGGGHHH!!! AAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!

[ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Robin Williams. Take One.

Robin Williams: [ manic ad-libbing ] “Marty! It’s getting heavy in here. Ooh! This! Oo-oo-ooh! 1.21 gigawatts! Yo! Marty! Idiot! We gotta get the hell outta here! Noooo, Marty! We gotta HARNESS the lightning! Who-oo-oo-oo! Praise Jesus!” [ holds up his hand a la Senor Wences ] “Ooh! The space-time continuum, si!”

Director’s Voice: Cut!

Robin Williams: Did I get it? [ he wraps his arms around his legs and thrusts his pelvis ] Mr. Happy thinks so![ cut to next audition ]

Director’s Voice: Al Pacino.

Al Pacino: Alright… alright. “1.21 GIGAwatts?! GREAT, Scott!”

Director’s Voice: No, no… It’s an expression. Like, “Great Scott!”

Al Pacino: Right, right, right. Okay. “1.21 GIGAwatts?! You’re doing a great JOB, Scott! Hey, everyone! Three cheers for SCOTT!”

Director’s Voice: Okay, you can go.

Al Pacino: Alright.

[ cut back to film footage ]

Announcer: The 25th Anniversary “Back to the Future” DVD. Own it today!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Audition

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
Secretary…..Abby Elliott
Lizette Barnes…..Kristen Wiig
Sandall Barnes…..Jon Hamm

[ open on sign: “CASTING TODAY” ]

[ dissolve to audition room ]

Secretary: Next, for the part of Nicole, we have Lizette Barnes.

[ the Secretary exits, as Lizette enters ]

Lizette Barnes: Hello!

Director: Ah, hello!

Lizette Barnes: Hello! [ she chuckles ]

Director: I think we’ve had you in here before?

Lizette Barnes: I’m with Classy Faces Talent Agency! [ she giggles ] You’ve heard of them?

Director: Nope. Can’t say that I have.

Lizette Barnes: Well, um, here’s my head picture! [ she hands him an 8×10 glossy ] It’s of me dressed as a sailor looking into a crystal ball, pretending to be surprised.

Director: [ studying the photo ] That’s exactly what it is! Yeah! [ he holds it up to her and laughs ] Great!

Lizette Barnes: Okay, listen! Uh, before we start, um — I have read the play. Uh, it’s very racy. And, so there are no surprises later, I just want to tell you what I am comfortable doing, and not doing, and you are just gonna have to deal with it.

Director: Okay…

Lizette Barnes: [ she laughs ] I… an willing to show my legs. My arms. My face. My stomach. My full back. [ thinking ] My toes. The top part of my head. My… naked breasts. Uh… my butt crack! My belly button. My… full vagina. Uh — let’s see… I will show my nipples. My… spread-apart butt. Um — my pushed-together boobs.

Director: Okay, Lizette? You’re not gonna have to —

Lizette Barnes: Okay! These are things… that I will do: I will sing. [ she laughs ] I will swear. I will show my bush. Uh — I will tap. I will jiggle. Um — I will cry. I will push my boobs together. Um — I will lift up my skirt, turn away from the audience, bend over and pass gas — WITH sound!

Director: Lizette! Lizette! I-I-I think you might have read a different script —

Lizette Barnes: THESE are the following things that are OUT of the question: I… refuse to wear a costume. Um. That’s it.

Director: Okay, well, that could be a problem.

Lizette Barnes: Well, then these are some things I… MIGHT… be talked into: I might punch myself in the face. Um — I might touch a ding-dong — Never say never! [ she laughs ] I might tinkle in a fake sink. Um — I might… eat a very small bowl of bird waste — IF it is relevent to the story, otherwise, you know — I mean, come on!

Director: Lizette, can I give you a little bit of feedback?

Lizette Barnes: Mmm-hmm.

Director: Uh — you’re not getting this part.

Lizette Barnes: [ screaming ] NOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOO-OOOO!!!!! GIVE IT TO MEEEEEE!!!

[ suddenly, a man rushes into the room ]

Sandell Barnes: I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m her husband! I just have to know how this is going!

Lizette Barnes: He just told me I… I didn’t get the part!

Sandell Barnes: Well, you are making a HUGE mistake, sir!

Lizette Barnes: Sandy, please…

Sandell Barnes: NO!! I want to do this! [ soft piano music plays ] This woman isn’t just my wife! She is an ACTRESS! She is a MASTERESS of her craft! Are you INSANE in the MEMBRANE?! INSANE… in the BRAIN?!!

Director: [ waving his arms ] You guys gotta go, alright?

Sandell Barnes: FIRST, let me ASK you, sir! Have you seen this woman’s Stanley Steemer commercial?

Lizette Barnes: Sandy, don’t…

Sandell Barnes: LET me RE-MIND you: Two women are having a conversation on a couch. A child runs in and asks Mommy to look at the family dog’s new trick! Well, UNFORTUNATELY! The new trick is him dragging his dirty rear along the carpet! And SHE has to get SO MAD — Do it, honey!

Lizette Barnes: [ screaming ] TO-BYYYYYYY!!!!

Director: [ impressed ] Wow… that’s you!

Sandell Barnes: Yes! It’s HER!! And I’m sorry if she has STANDARDS, unlike every other LOOSE actress that comes in here!!

Director: No, no, no, no, you’re right. I’m sorry.

Sandell Barnes: So… now that you know who she really is… does she have the part?

Director: [ without hesitation ] No!

Sandell Barnes: What if she were to put a jelly bean in a chair, sit down and, when she stands back up, the jelly bean is gone?

Director: Get out!

Lizette Barnes: What if it’s a plum?

Director: GOODBYE!!

Lizette Barnes: Good day, sir! I mean, JERK!!

Sandell Barnes: I hope you’re happy!

[ they exit the room ]

[ Secretary re-enters ]

Director: Who’s next?

Secretary: Uh — Sandall Barnes.

Director: Great.

[ Sandall re-enters the room, now dressed in a cape ]

Sandell Barnes: Hello! I’m… Sandall Barnes. I am with the… Top Hat Warehouse Agency. Uh — I will show the backs of my legs. Uh — my pushed-together butt. Uh — the front of my weiner. Uh — I will wear diapers! Uh — I will not work with chldren, although I will DANCE with them! Uh — I may juggle!

[ as Sandall talks, the Director rises from his chair, opens the window, then jumps out onto the ground floor and casually walks away ]

Sandell Barnes: Uh — I will show my wife’s vagina. Uh — I may —

[ return to “CASTING TODAY” sign ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 5

10e: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

Greetings from American America: Dog in Purse

Voice of Dog…..David Spade

[ SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE & BEYOND THE COMICS presents… ]

[ intercut images within postcard entitled “Greetings from American America” ]

[ a purse drops onto the screen, and a chihuahua pops his head out ]

Dog: That’s right, everybody. It’s me again — Dog in Purse.

[ title: “Dog in Purse” — with David Spade ]

[ dissolve to nightclub scene — lower portion of starlet seen carrying her dog in her purse ]

Dog: Ahhhhh — buh buh buh baaaah. Here we are at a nightclub again. Hmm, shocker of the century. [ he turns his head ] Ah, look over there — Willow Smith with a bottle of petron. That’s great. Happy 9th Birthday!

I’ve got a moron owner — drinking a glass of loudmouthed soup, yukking it up. Meanwhile I’m stuck in her purse, trying to get comfortable on a dirty hairbrush, soem Yaz pills, and Charlie Sheen’s wallet. This lady who owns me, she doesn’t even know I’m a male dog. I’m clearly a dude, yet she’s got me wearing a feather boa and a tiara on my head like I’m Zsa Zsa Gabor. [ he looks up ] Hey, lady! You know how you can tell you’re a little off-track? Flip me over! Check out the… “undercarriage”. Alright? There’s a light switch, honey — it goes on and off. Like the one that should go off in your head and say, “Hey — this dog’s a dude and has been for the last three years.”

Ohhh, okay! Here we go! There’s Jessica Alba, wearing a minidress, no less. Nice! She’s so hot, she’d better spray her shins down with Pam — STAT! — because I’m about to do the Humpty-Hump! Maybe with this tiara I’m wearing, and feather boa, she’ll get drunk and think I’m Lenny Kravitz and go for it! [ to the crowd ] Alright, gang, let’s weap it up! We’re all heading back to Brody Jenner’s house. I heard he got a new Solo Flex.

[ credits ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 5


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 30th, 2010

Jon Hamm

Rihanna

None

None

None

A Message from the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) compares the plight of the Chilean miners to the problems facing President Obama.

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.

Transcript

Montage

Jon Hamm’s MonologueSummary: Jon Hamm proves his worth as an actor portraying n advertising executive on television by creating on-the-fly slogans for random objects chosen by audience members.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Rihanna and Shy Ronnie (Andy Samberg) rob a bank as “Ronnie & Clyde”.

Recurring Characters: Shy Ronnie.

Vincent Price’s Halloween SpecialSummary: Vincent Price’s (Bill Hader) 1960 Halloween special is ruined by Judy Garland’s (Kristen Wiig) drug dependency and sexual innuendos courtesy of Sen. John F. Kennedy (Jon Hamm) and Liberace (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Judy Garland, John F. Kennedy, Liberace.

Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVDSummary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray box set features audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino, Eddie Murphy, Jennifer Tilly, Robin Williams.

Transcript

AuditionSummary: While auditioning for a role, Lizette Barnes (Kristen Wiig) lays down her list of ridiculous standards to the production’s director (Jason Sudeikis).

Transcript

Back to the Future 25th Anniversary DVD IISummary: The new DVD and Blu-Ray box set features more audition outtakes from 80’s-era celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Nicolas Cage, Bill Cosby, Gilbert Gottfried, Prince, Pee Wee Herman, Alan Alda, Joan Cusack.

Transcript

Rihanna performs “What’s My Name?”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: James Carville (Bill Hader) gives his crazed thoughts on the upcoming mid-term elections. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) are, as usual, unprepared to promote their new Halloween CD.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Garth & Kat.

I Didn’t Ask For ThisSummary: Roger Sims (Bobby Moynihan) interviews others like himself who have gained unintentional fame thanks to embarrassing online clips of themselves.

Transcript

Highway CopsSummary: Highway cops Cutter (Jason Sudeikis) and Randy (Jon Hamm) share one motorcycle and miss their assignments while frolicking in the outdoors.

Transcript

Darleek and BarneySummary: Lounge act Darleek (Kristen Wiig) and Barney (Jon Hamm) have pretend fights and make bad jokes to one’s amusement.

Rihanna performs “Only Girl (In The World)”

Greetings from American America: Dog in PurseSummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a male dog (David Spade) in a celebrity’s purse muses about his lot in life.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Essentials with Robert OsborneSummary: TCM host Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) presents deleted scenes from “The Wizard of Oz” featuring a talking weather vane (Fred Armisen).

Note: This sketch will air during next month’s episode hosted by Anne Hathaway.

Jon Hamm’s CB Hamm RadiosSummary: Jon Hamm promotes the archaic mobile communications devise that almost shares his last name.

CBS PromoSummary: Coming attractions for a week filled with hospital gurneys on CBS’ prime-time dramas.

YelpSummary: Diners (Andy Samberg, Vanessa Baye, Jon Hamm) use cellphone technology to find something to eat that’s already right in front of them.

Greetings from American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Fred Wolf, a hippie (Danan Carvey) talks further about the good old days.

Trick or Treat IISummary: A registered sex offender (Will Forte) makes a clumsy re-introduction while trick-or-treating at his neighbor’s (Jon Hamm) house.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

WXPD Channel 9 News

Wanda Ramirez…..Nasim Pedrad
Peter DeSantos…..Bill Hader
Teenager…..Emma Stone
Panicked Mother…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on news graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD Channel 9 News.

[ dissolve to Wanda Ramirez seated in the news studio ]

Wanda Ramirez: Good evening. I’m Wanda Ramirez, and we begin tonight’s progrm as we do always do — with a story designed to frighten parents.

[ graphic reads: “Dangerous Teenage Fad” ]

Wanda Ramirez: We told you about “sexting”, “huffing”, and “robotripping”, and now there’s yet another dangerous teenage fad. Our own Peter DeSantos has the story.

[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school ]

Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “souping” — teenagers are drinking expired soup cans to get high! Every teenager is doing it, and it WILL kill them!

[ stock footage of teenagers, soup cans, etc. ]

Peter DeSantos V/O: Parents are powerless to protect their teens because, shockingly, soup is legal. We interviewed this teen to get the scoop… on soup!

[ cut to Teenager being interviewed in front of school fence ]

Peter DeSantos: Are you… “souping”?

Teenager: Am I what?

Peter DeSantos: Teenagers are drinking expired soup… to get HIGH!

Teenager: But that wouldn’t get you high. There’s NO way teenagers are doing that.

[ show stock footage ]

Peter DeSantos V/O: But they are! They’re getting whacked out on old soup! And they’re gonna end up… m’mm m’mm, DEAD! Just ask this panicked mother, who we woke up in the middle of the night.

[ cut to panicked mother on her doorstep ]

Panicked Mother: My God! They’re “souping”?! PHIL!! Flush all the Progresso, they’re gonna SOUP it!!

Peter DeSantos: [ with a shit-eating grin ] For WXPD, I’m Peter DeSantos!

[ return to news desk ]

Wanda Ramirez: A VERY informative report about a VERY real thing. For more information about “souping”, go to our web site… and no others. Next up: a story that EVERYONE’S talking about. No, not the midterm elections. But another TERRIFYING teenage trend. Peter DeSantos has the story.

[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school ]

Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “trampolining”! A teen boy sits on the roof of a one-story house, receiving oral sex from a girl jumping up and down on a large backyard trampoline!

[ stock footage of teenagers, trampolines, etc. ]

Peter DeSantos V/O: Sources say that if a girl “trampolines” ten boys, she receives a bracelet… and that’s what silly bands are.

[ cut to Teenager being interviewed in front of school fence ]

Teenager: I’ve NEVER done this. What did you say this was called?

Peter DeSantos: They call it… “trampolining”!

Teenager: I don’t think that’s even physically possible.

Peter DeSantos: But it IS. In fact, WXPD were able to obtain this horrifying photograph.

[ reveal stick drawings of a girl and a boy and a trampoline and a roof ]

[ cut to panicked mother on her doorstep ]

Panicked Mother: My God!! That’s a photograph of my DAUGHTER, and she’s TRAMPOLINING!!

Peter DeSantos: [ with a shit-eating grin ] For WXPD, I’m Peter DeSantos!

[ return to news desk ]

Wanda Ramirez: Thank you, Peter. Before we move on, I’m getting word we have a BREAKING story. We go now to Breaking News correspondent Peter DeSantos!

[ cut to Peter DeSantos standing in front of a high school woth the teenager ]

Peter DeSantos: [ with a high and mighty delivery ] They call it “Skyping”. Two teens jumping out of airplane, attached by their genitals!

Teenager: Oh, man… that is WAY off! Can I please go back to class?

Peter DeSantos: To do “souping”?

Teenager: Wow… wow.

[ the Panicked Mother enters frame ]

Panicked Mother: Young lady! I KNOW what you’ve been doing on that trampoline!

Teenager: Oh. Good. Now I get to deal with this. [ sarcastically ] THANKS, News!

Peter DeSantos: You’re welcome! I’m Peter DeSantos… Jr.!

[ return to news desk ]

Wanda Ramirez: Next up: Are teens taking turns hiding Osama bin Laden… so they can give him oral sex in exchange for lip gloss? The answer… right now. YES! Yes, they are!

[ cut to news graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

Wrangler Open Fly Jeans

Brett Favre…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Brett Favre staring at the camera ]

Announcer: Brett Favre: football legend.

Brett Favre: I’ve tried all kinds of jeans: button fly, zipper fly — you name it. But, for me, nothing works better than the all new open fly jeans from Wrangler.

[ intercut shots of Favre with a pixelated crotch playing football with a group of guys ]

Announcer: Introducing the first open fly jeans from Wrangler. The first jeans with no fly whatsoever.

Brett Favre: Wrangler open fly jeans feature an ultra-relaxed fit, right where you need it most — the fly. Why let zippers and buttons slow you down? With open fly jeans, it’s always out and camera-ready.

[ Favre takes a cellphone picture fo his exposed crotch and sgows the results to a disgusted teammate ]

[ cut to Favre leaning out of a truck with his pixelated crotch exposed ]

Brett Favre: I’m ready for my close-up.

[ reveal a row of jeans hanging from a rack ]

Brett Favre: They’re the perfect marriage of comfort and style. And that’s a marriage I can respect.

[ cut to Favre leaning behind a teammate for a play; the teammate jumps forward when he feels Favre’s exposed crotch at his backside ]

Brett Favre: Look, I put my pants on just like anyone else — one leg at a time. Then, I pull my penis out. Sometimes I take a picture of it.

[ reveal the row of jeans hanging from a rack ]

Announcer: Real. Open fly. Jeans. Wrangler.

[ cut to Favre standing with his teammates ]

Brett Favre: Take it from me, Brett Favre. I give ’em a thumbs up.

[ Favre shoves his fist through his open fly and gives a slightly pixelated thumbs-up ]

[ the other guys jump to their feet and make a hasty exit ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium

Ed Vincent…..Paul Brittain
Girl…..Emma Stone

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “The following is a paid advertisement for Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium” ]

[ cut to close-up of Ed Vincent ]

Ed Vincent: Hello! My name is Ed Vincent, I’m a sex education educator. So you can call me “Sex” Ed — that’s me. “Sex” Ed — that’s me!

[ SUPER: “The following is required by NYSBSH” ]

Ed Vincent: Now, the New York Board of Sexual Health requires me to read the following disclaimer: “Ed Vincent is an amateur sex education enthusiast, whose presentations are for novelty purposes only.” They’re entitled to their opinion —

[ cut to Symposium graphics ]

Ed Vincent V/O: But at Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium — “A frank, no nonsense talk about sex” — you’ll get MY opinion!

[ show footage of the 3 Day Seminar ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Over the course of three days, you’ll be treated to lectures covering a WIDE variety of topics — including Gender Roles, Anatomical Limits, Cyber Sex, and Taboos.

[ zoom in on the lecture in progress ]

Ed Vincent: What is abnormal? Right? What is… abnormal sexual behavior? Who decides, you know? [ a woman in the audience jots that information in her notepad ] Uh, who gets to determine, you know, what’s okay, you know, and then what’s weird?

[ cut to another part of the lecture ]

Ed Vincent: Take this fellow right here! What if, uh, you know, he has somebody, you know, pee into a cardboard birthday hat — right? Uh, and then he has them, you know, pour that right down his back… collect that in a second birthday hat — this fellow CLIMAXES because of that. [ the man nods ] Is that weird? Is that… ABNORMAL? Who’s to say?

[ cut to “Day 2” graphic ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Day 2 focuses on Health and Safety, with lectures on: Measuring Consent, Avoiding STD’s: Hetereosexual, and Avoiding STD’S: Homosexual.

[ zoom in on the lecture in progress ]

Ed Vincent: We’ve got a couple of fellows — right? — and they’re looking for a safer sex option. Okay, everybody see that? [ he holds two fingers together at a perpendicular angle ] That’s the front of a penis… into the side of a penis. This fellow right here, you’re pushing the front of your penis into a nice… side of a penis! VERY pleasurable. No risks of contracting a gosh-darn thing! Uhhh — this one here, I call the Infinite Swirl. [ he twirls two fingers around one another ] Okay? See that, when you get a side of penis, a side of penis! Top of penis, bottom of penis! Side of penis, side of penis! Top of penis, bottom of penis — and on and on and on and on, into INFINITY!

[ cut to “Day 3” graphic ]

Ed Vincent V/O: Day 3 is devoted to Fantasy Role Play Scenarios, including: Sexy Hospital, Sexy Insurance Scam, AND Sexy Robbery.

[ zoom in on the fantasy role play in progress, girl playing robber as Ed Vincent in housecoat portrays the victim ]

Girl: — I said on the floor, lady!

Ed Vincent: [ squatting ] Oh, great! Well, do whatever you want with me — just don’t shoot my brains out.

[ the Girl pauses ]

Ed Vincent: [ to the group ] You see? Now, what’s she gonna do? She starts thinking of something. [ to the girl ] Now what are you gonna do?

Girl: [ thinking ] We could… polish that apple between our butt cheeks…?

Ed Vincent: Without letting it hit the floor?

Girl: Yeah, I don’t know — is that kinky, or is that weird?

Ed Vincent: You tell me — is it?

Girl: Who’s to say.

Ed Vincent: EXACTLY!

Everyone: WHO’S… TO SAY??

[ cut to Ed Vincent passing out star balloons to his group ]

Ed Vincent V/O: So don’t miss “Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex Symposium, a three-day lecture series coming to the La Quinta Inn in Rochester, New York —

[ cut to Ed Vincent holding his fingers together at a perpendicular angle ]

Ed Vincent: Right at the intersection of Sheridan and Bryan! [ smiling ] This is Sheridan… and that’s Bryan!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

Goodnights

…..Emma Stone

Emma Stone: Thank you to Kings of Leon! The cast and crew! Lorne! My family and friends! This is the BEST week of my LIFE — thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4

10d: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

My Brother Knows Everythings

Morgan…..Nasim Pedrad
Meredith…..Emma Stone
Erik…..Andy Samberg

[ open on snowy TV image ]

[ dissolve to camcorder view of Morgan position the camera in front of her ]

Morgan: Hey! I’m Morgan, I’m 11, and you’re watching another episode of… “My Brother Knows Everything”!

[ cut to show logo and images ]

Jingle:
“My brother knows everything!Oh yeah!He pretty much knows everything!He does neat stuff, and then I tell you that stuff!I’m telling you all the stuff that my brother tells me!My brother knows everything!”

[ cut back to Morgan ]

Morgan: Okay! Welcome to the show! Today, as always, I’ll be celebrating my older brother Erik! He’s basically the coolest fifteen-year old, like, in the world. Let’s meet him in a segment called “Get Away From Me!” Check it out!

[ cut to clip: Erik playing X-Box in his room ]

Morgan: Hey, Erik! Can I watch you play X-Box?

Erik: Get away from me!

[ he thrusts his arm forward and pushes the camcorder view away from him; the video feed turns to snow ]

[ return to Morgan hosting the show ]

Morgan: Okay, my co-host tonight is my best friend and next-door neighbor — Meredith!

[ reveal Meredith seated at Megan’s right ]

Meredith: Hey, Morgan! Great to be here! And can I just say your brother is a total hunk?

Morgan: Ewww! Gross! But… yeah! Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Erik-splanations”! Here’s what Erik explained to me this week!

Meredith: [ grabbing cue cards ] Okay, Question 1: “What is ‘Freaking’?”

Morgan: That just means “grinding”!

Meredith: Question 2: “What is ‘grinding’?”

Morgan: It’s when you freak!

Meredith: Question 3: “How many times do people have to freak before they have a baby?”

Morgan: Seven! Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Let’s Bro to the Movies”!

Meredith: This week, we’re reviewing “Jackass 3D”.

Morgan: Yeah! But we’re not allowed to see “Jackass 3D”, so, as, always — right? — we eavesdropped on my brother Erik talking about it with his friends!

Meredith: Okay, here’s our review: There’s a giant hand…

Morgan: And, apparently, when you least expect it, there’s a butt!

Meredith: [ she laughs moronically for a period ] Uh, and that’s our review of “Jackass 3D”.

Morgan: We give this movie… three-and-a-half Eriks!

[ graphic appears on-screen ]

Morgan: Okay! Now it’s time for a segment called… “Stop Being Weird”. Check it out!

[ cut to clip: Erik reading on his bed, as Morgan pops into the foreground ]

Morgan: Hey, Erik! Watch this!

[ Morgan begins to make bouncing fish faces ]

Erik: [ as he pushes Morgan out of frame ] STOP BEING WEIRD!!

[ the video feed turns to snow ]

[ return to Morgan hosting the show ]

Morgan: Okay.

Meredith: Great.

Morgan: Thanks. Okay, and now it’s time for another segment, called… “Erik’an Idols”! This is where we count down the Top 5 cutest guys from the posters on Erik’s wall! [ she picks up each poster for the reveal ] Number Five: Al Pacino from “Scarface”.

Meredith: Sooooo cute!

Morgan: Yeah! Number Four: Pau Gasol from basketball!

Meredith: He looks like a hot ostrich…

Morgan: Number Three: Hellraiser!

Meredith: Take those nails out, and you got a hunk.

Morgan: Number Two: Mel Brooks as Yogurt in “Spaceballs”.

Meredith: Not my personal style, but I get it.

Morgan: And the Number One cutest guy is:

Together: NICHOLAS CAGE IN “GHOST RIDER”!!

Meredith: Whoo-oo-oo!

Morgan: That was fun!

Meredith: That was fun!

Morgan: Yeah!

[ sound effect: approaching footsteps ]

Morgan: Uh-oh! The sound of Erik coming up the stairs means it’s time for our LAST segment, called… “What Are You Doing in My Room?”

[ Erik appears ]

Erik: What are you doing in my room?!!

Morgan: I’m doing my show! It’s about YOU! You remember Meredith!

Meredith: [ embarrassed ] Hi… What’s “grinding”?

Erik: It’s when you FREAK!! Quit using my camera!!

[ Erik rushes toward the camcorder and turns the picture to snow ]

[ the screen exits onto earlier filmed footage: Erik practicing with nunchuks ]

Erik: Erik’s Nunchuk Demo Reel: Take One! [ he whips the nunchuks around for a minute, then poses ] Ye-eah!

[ screen turns back to snow and returns to fresh footage of Morgan and Meredith smiling ]

Morgan: [ whispering ] Well… that’s our show!

Meredith: [ whispering ] Tune in next week when we finally get to the bottom of… Erik’s underwear drawer!

Morgan: [ whispering ] Yeah!

[ suddenly, Erik rushes back into the scene ]

Erik: I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!

[ the girl run off screaming ]

[ cut to show logo ]

Jingle: “My Brother Knows Everything!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 23rd, 2010

Emma Stone

Kings of Leon

None

None

John Mulaney

Harry Reid For SenateSummary: Hoping to be elected in Nevada, Harry Reid (Paul Brittain) tries to distance his association with President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Harry Reid.

Montage

Emma Stone’s MonologueSummary: Emma Stone detracts attention from her nerd fans in the audience.

BabyspanxSummary: The slimming bodystocking that lets fat babies be the envy of their parents’ friends.

Dream Home ExtremeSummary: Cheryl Bryant (Kristen Wiig) is more excited abut the dream home giveaway than the actual winner (Emma Stone).

Recurring Characters: Cheryl Bryant.

WXPD News Channel 9Summary: Action news reporter Peter DeSantos (Bill Hader) has the scoop on disturbing new teen trends like “souping” and “trampolining”.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: High school girl (Emma Stone) thinks she’s cool because she boke her arm after slipping on some jelly (Andy Samberg).

The ViewSummary: The insipidly gabby talk show hostesses chat with Lindsay Lohan (Emma Stone) during a rare rehab furlough.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Wrangler Open Fly JeansSummary: Brett Favre (Jason Sudeikis) loves to keep himself exposed while playing football in his open fly jeans.

Transcript

Kings of Leon perform “Radioactive”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Jimmy McMillan (Kenan Thompson) promotes his Rent’s Too Damn High political party. John Mulaney comments on current events that earn his “I Love It!” praise. Stefon (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Les Jeunes de ParisSummary: French teens (Emma Stone, Taran Killam) compete in a cafe dance-off.

My Brother Knows EverythingSummary: Morgan (Nasim Pedrad) and best friend Meredith (Emma Stone) gush about how great her brother Erik (Andy Samberg) is on their hand-held camcorder show.

Transcript

“Sex” Ed Vincent’s Sex SymposiumSummary: Ed Vincent (Paul Brittain) hosts a three-day symposium on sex.

Transcript

Kings of Leon perform “Pyro”

Googie Rene’s Partially Damaged Halloween Costume Discount BasementSummary: Googie Rene (Kenan Thompson) sells Halloween costumes at a discount because his inventory comes complete with stains.

Recurring Characters: Googie Rene.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Steven Seagal: Law ManSummary: Actor Steven Seagal (Bill Hader) stumbles his way as a would-be cop on reality television.

Recurring Characters: Steven Seagal.

BullySummary: A bully (Andy Samberg) is reduced to tears when his would-be victims don’t fall for his tough guy act.

HotchkissSummary: A group of interns debate whether or not co-worker Hotchkiss (Vanessa Bayer) is hot or not.

Strip ClubSummary: Emcee (Jason Sudeikis) hosts his final show at a strip club.

American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts