Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Doorbells And More

Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan
Nasim…..Nasim Pedrad
Tina Tina Cheneuse…..Jenny Slate
Fred…..Fred Armisen
Abby…..Abby Elliott
Taylor…..Taylor Lautner

[ Bobby steps up to Nasim’s door and rings the ordinary doorbell ]

[ doorbell rings ]

Bobby: Nice doorbell. [ he walks off ]

Nasim: [ opens door ] Oh, no! Come back! [ to camera ] I hate my doorbell!

[ Tina Tina Cheneuse enters frame ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Has this ever happened to you? You lost a friend ’cause you got a boring doorbell? Hi, hello! I’m Tina Tina Cheneuse. Do you enjoy a fly, fancy lifestyle? Then, why is your doorbell so vanilla? Come on down to Doorbells And More.

[ she steps in front of a wall display of fancy doorbells ]

Okay, here’s what a regular doorbell sounds like.

[ she presses a button on the doorbell, emitting the customary ding-dong ]

No! I’m tired of that! You need a custom-made doorbell that speaks to you — like this. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Holl-o! You got a new doorbell!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Yes, that is my voice. Why should it not be? This is my idea. At Doorbells And More, we got all, every kind of doorbells. Happy doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Come inside my house! Hall-o!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Funny doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Knock, knock! Who’s there? Doorbell! Ding dong!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: International doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Bonjour! Ooh la la! Ding dong!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: I can even do fancy doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Hello! Wine and cheese! Ding dong!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Or doorbells for special occasions: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! I’m getting married today! Hall-o!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Are you an individual? Guess what? I know, we got a doorbell for every person. Just come up and ask me.

[ Bobby steps forward ]

Bobby; I bet you don’t have a doorbell for somebody who likes cars!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Okay. Here it is. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Honk, honk! Your doorbell! Ding dong! Car!

Bobby; You did it.

[ Fred steps forward ]

Fred; What about me? I like computers.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Check this out. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Router! Netflix! What?

Fred; Good.

[ Abby steps forward ]

Abby; What about me? I like animals!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Okay. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Wolf! Bears!

Abby; Fine!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And hall-o, it’s Christmas! Why not try a holiday doorbell, like this: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Jingle bell, jingle bell! Answer your door!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Are you religious? [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Happy birthday, Jesus!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Or if you’re Jewish: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Hanukkah house!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And what about when it’s time for your holiday visitors to leave? [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Good-bye. I need to read my magazines.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Not unique enough? Be quiet! Let’s listen to a testimonial from some person.

[ Taylor steps forward, unenthused ]

Taylor; Tina Tina made these doorbells.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: That’s all you got to say? Oh, no. I baby sat you for ten years, and this is what you do? [ he exits ] Oh, my Goooood. [ she faces the camera ] So, come on down to Doorbells And More, and get the fantasy doorbell of your dreams. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Bing boom! Okay! Hey, hey! What?

Tina Tina Cheneuse: That’s a good one! Bye, bye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Show Choir Assembly

Principal…..Will Forte
Joyce…..Abby Elliott
Dana…..Kenan Thompson
Rachel…..Jenny Slate
Meekash….Taylor Lautner
Trevor…..Andy Samberg

[A sign is shown outside of a school stating that the North East Middle School is having a show choir assembly.]

[The auditorium of the school is shown. The principal is on stage trying to quiet booing students while four embarrassed performers clad in green and red stand up on stage.]

Principal: OK, settle down people! Everyone needs to calm down! People! I have to say, in all my years as a principal, [he watches a paper airplane fly by] I have never seen such an immature outburst. Okay? The North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir has worked extremely hard on their Christmas show, “Jingle Jingle Jam,” to put you all in the holiday spirit, and you people are acting like a bunch of animals! And I can promise that Dana, Rachel, Joyce, and Meekash do not appreciate that. Okay? Now, I know all of them want to finish this show.

[The four shy and embarrassed performers disagree with their principal’s assumption.]

Principal: Nooo, we are going to let the Sparkle players finish their “Jingle Jam,” and you are all going to pay attention whether you like it or not.

[The audience groans in disapproval.]

Principal: Yeah! Yeah! Now, without further ado, let’s welcome again the North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir!

[The four performers awkwardly start their number.]

All four performers: [to the tune of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”] We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a funky new year!

Trevor: Shut up!

[The four performers start to dance.]

All four performers: [singing] Well, we’re rapping out lyrics, we’re rapping out lines, we’re rapping out presents at Christmas time.

Dana: [singing] We’ve got Meekash on the scissors –

Joyce: [singing] – and Dana on the bow! –

Rachel: [singing] – now all that we’re missing are the –

All four performers: [singing] – ho, ho, ho’s!

[Joyce goes to grab a microphone and comes back. The audience is booing the whole time.]

Joyce: [singing] When I say Christmas, you say rap! Christmas –

Trevor: Lame!

Joyce: [singing] – Christmas!

Trevor: This sucks!

[Dana, Rachel, and Meekash continue to dance awkwardly. Meekash then begins to separate himself from the group and dance in a funny manner.]

Dana and Rachel: [singing] Go Meekash! Go Meekash!

[Joyce enters the picture and cheers Meekash on as well.]

Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: Go Meekash!

[The three continue to dance awkwardly in the background as Meekash’s begins his number.]

Meekash: [singing in a heavy foreign accent] Sinter Claus get down! Sinter Claus get down! Get down my chimney- [a basketball is thrown and it hits Mikash in the stomach] – ow! Yeah!

Trevor: It’s Santa Claus!

[The principal comes back up on stage.]

Principal: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Who threw that? Get up here right now!

[The kid in the audience causing the trouble comes up on stage with a goofy grin on his face.]

Principal: Now, Trevor, I- I- I- don’t know what you think is so funny, but no one is leaving this entire show until this entire show is finished. Okay? So let’s just get all of those laughs out right now. [sarcastically] Ha ha ha ha, Meekash has a weird accent. [Trevor laughs along.] [sarcastically] Yeah! Ha ha ha ha, and he said- he said- “Sinter Claus” instead of “Santa Claus.”

Trevor: Ha ha, Sinter Claus! Yeah! [He gestures towards his buddies in the audience.]

Principal: [sarcastically] Ha ha, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha. Dana has a girl’s name, even though he’s a boy.

[Dana has a rather disgusted look on his face.]

Trevor: Ha ha ha!

Principal: [sarcastically] Ha ha ha, yeah. That’s hilarious. Their show is bad. Ha ha ha.

Trevor: Ha ha ha! Yeah!

Principal: Ha ha, yeah, ha ha. Great, it’s all out. Now you sit down.

Trevor: Right! [He makes the shaka sign, sticking out the thumb and pinky on both hands, as he goes to sit down.]

Principal: Alright, let’s get on with the show. Sparkle players, take it away.

Dana: Do we have to?!

Principal: Yes.

Meekash: Awww.

[Rachel leaves the stage as rock music begins to play.]

Joyce, Dana, and Meekash: [singing] Shabba labba do wop, shalom shalom. Well, It’s a rock and roll Hanukkah, rock and roll Hanukkah, gonna rock it out for eight days and nights. A rock and roll Hanukkah, rock and roll Hanukkah, spin that dradle and light the lights.

Trevor: No!

Dana: Take it away, Haunkkah Elvis!

[Rachel enters with an Elvis wig and white jacket.]

Trevor: Weird!

Rachel: [singing in an Elvis accent to the tune of “All Shook Up.”] Uh huh, huuuhhhh, Hanukkah Elvis!

Trevor: This is gay!

[The principal comes back yet again.]

Principal: Okay, okay, Trevor, get up here right now. Get up here.

[Trevor hops back up on stage with a huge grin on his face. He’s gesturing happily to his buddies in the audience.]

Principal: [He brings Rachel/Elvis forward.] Okay. [to Trevor] Now, I want you to repeat what you just said straight to Hanukkah Elvis’s face.

Rachel: No, Stu, that’s okay.

Principal: No, it’s not okay. [to Trevor] Repeat what you just said.

Trevor: [clears throat] THIS IS GAY!!! [He sticks his tongue out and makes the shaka sign again. Rachel is hurt by these words.]

Principal: [sarcastically] Ha ha. [to Rachel] Okay, okay, Rachel, are you gay?

Rachel: No.

Principal: Okay. Joyce, are you gay?

Joyce: [shaking her head sadly] No.

Principal: Okay. Meekash, are you gay?

Meekash: Yes.

Principal: Okay, wait. Meekash, you think gay means happy?

Meekash: Yes.

Principal: So you’re happy?

Meekash: No.

Principal: Okay, then why did you just say ‘yes’?

Meekash: Umm…because I got nervous.

Principal: Okay. [Stammering] L-l-look, let’s just get through this, okay?

[Trevor jumps towards Rachel, who is frightened. Trevor hops off stage.]

Principal: Oh, and guess what? Everyone is getting detention. Yeah! Ha ha! [The audience boos.] Everyone! Yeah!

Trevor: I’m going to kill you Meekash!

Principal: Oh! Trevor, you get back up here! Get back up here.

[Trevor hops up on stage again with the same goofy grin he had on his face before.]

Principal: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what, bud? You’re staying up here for the rest of the show.

Trevor: Rad!

Meekash: Oh please, nooo!

Principal: [to the performers] And continue.

[Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” starts playing as Meekash goes off stage.]

Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: [singing and dancing with the tune, while Trevor stands behind next to them and mocks them.] Do do, do do, do do.

[Meekash emerges with a Michael Jackson-esque top hat, and he is wearing a silver glove. He flings the hat aside.]

Trevor: Oh my God!

[Meekash is dancing like Michael Jackson.]

Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: [singing] Santa Claus is not my lover –

Trevor: [laughing] Yes!!

Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: [singing] He’s just a guy who brings me presents and joy.

[In the background, Trevor continues to laugh at Meekash, while gesturing to his buddies in the crowd.]

Meekash: [singing in his heavy accent] And to all the girls and boys.

Trevor: You’re a girl! [He laughs some more.] Oh man.

[The audience continues to boo as Meekash takes his place next to the other three performers. Dana steps forward for his number, as the lights dim and Meekash goes off stage again.]

Dana: [singing to the tune of “O Holy Night”] O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining –

Trevor: [impressed] Wooo! [claps]

Dana: [continuing singing] – this is the night of our dear Savior’s birth –

Trevor: Go Dana! Yeah! [The audience makes their approval known.]

Joyce: They love us!

Dana: [continuing singing] – fall on your knees and doooo [the music picks up] do do do the Meekash shuffle!

[Meekash slides in on his knees. He is wearing a do rag and a clock around his neck a la Flava Flav.]

Trevor: What?!

[Meekash begins to rap.]

Meekash: My name is Meekash, and I’m here to say, my man Sinter Claus makes me feel gay.

Trevor: No! No!

Meekash: I mean, I mean happy.

Trevor: Boooo!

[The audience begins throwing paper at the stage as the principal gets re-enters the picture.]

Principal: No, people! Come on!

Trevor: No way, man!

[Fade out as someone throws a backpack on the stage and the principal wondering why it was thrown.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

The Other Affairs

Gov. Mark Sanford…..Jason Sudeikis
Sen. John Ensign…..Bill Hader
John Edwards…..Will Forte

Announcer: [ over C-SPAN title card ] Next on C-Span, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, Senator John Ensign of Nevada, and former Senator John Edwards of North Carolina held a press conference earlier today to criticize the news media’s excessive coverage of golfer Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs.

[ dissolve to the three men standing jointly behind a podium ]

Gov. Mark Sanford: Good afternoon. I’m South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. With me is Senator John Ensign of Nevada —

Sen. John Ensign: Hello.

Gov. Mark Sanford: And our good friend, former Senator John Edwards of North Carolina.

John Edwards: Hi!

Gov. Mark Sanford: The three of us are here today because there’s something very wrong going on in this country, and we can no longer keep silent about it. Over the last two weeks, our national media has engaged in an ORGY of coverage of professional golfer Tiger Woods and his alleged extramarital affairs. The coverage has been excessive, it has been lurid, and it has completely overshadowed coverage of OUR extramarital affairs.

Sen. John Ensign: Like Tiger Woods, we have broken our marriage vows. But, in addition, as officeholders, we have also violated the public’s trust. That’s a pretty big deal. Yet it seems the media couldn’t care less.

Gov. Mark Sanford: With us, there’s been practically no coverage. It is a clear double standard!

Sen. John Ensign: Where’s the outrage? We’re still in office!

John Edwards: Mmm-hmm. I had a love child.

Gov. Mark Sanford: It’s not as though our affairs weren’t messy. I mean, for example: When I went to visit my girlfriend, I had a really preposterous cover story about hiking the Appalachian Trail. Tiger didn’t even bother to think of one!

Sen. John Ensign: Unlike Tiger’s girlfriends, my girlfriend was married! That’s pretty bad!

John Edwards: Again: I had a LOVE CHILD!

Gov. Mark Sanford: But the press barely covers us! My wife just filed for divorce! Try finding that in the papers!

Sen. John Ensign: I paid hush money to my ex-girlfriend’s husband.

John Edwards: Eh-excuse me, maybe I wasn’t clear… but I had a love child! An illegitimate, out of wedlock, parents not married, baby bastard love child! I mean, don’t you people care? God almighty!

Sen. John Ensign: Now, the media will say, “But Tiger had a HUGE number of girlfriends — twelve or fifteen or whatever — while each us had only one.

Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. That you KNOW of.

John Edwards: Bingo!

Sen. John Ensign: Exactly. The evidence of our other affairs is out there if the media would bother to look!

Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. Now, why this clear double-standard? Is it perhaps racial? The fact that we’re white men and Tiger Woods is — I guess, um — Black, Asian, Polynesian, Cherokee?

John Edwards: Isn’t he Puerto Rican?

Sen. John Ensign: I thought Dominican.

Gov. Mark Sanford: No, no, he’s not Dominican. You’re thinking of A-Rod.

John Edwards: Oh, A-Rod is DEFINITELY Puerto Rican!

Sen. John Ensign: I do believe you’re mistaken.

Gov. Mark Sanford: Well, in any event, we pray this isn’t about race. Our nation has seen too much of that.

Sen. John Ensign: If I may, let me make a point here. Many of Tiger’s girlfriends were meaningless one night stands. He barely spent any time with them. Certainly not enough to affect his work, unlike us.

Gov. Mark Sanford: Yeah, that’s right! My girlfriend lived in Argentina! And I was down there ALL the time! And that is a LONG way from South Carolina! No wonder my state is a fiscal disaster! The fact that it took the media so long to notice really says something about their priorities.

John Edwards: Apparently, ONE love child isn’t interesting enough. You know? I guess it has to be triplets!

Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. All right, well, I can see that only one reporter actually showed up to this press conference, and he now appears to be wandering away.

Sen. John Ensign: Which in itself says a great deal about the point we’re making here today.

Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Sen. John Ensign: So, John, do you have anything to add?

John Edwards: Well, just this: There’s a sex tape of me and my girlfriend with a non-sex cameo by our love child! Not that you would know it from The New York Times!

Gov. Mark Sanford: Unbelievable. Anyway, they’re signaling to us that they need the room. So we’ll just close here by saying today, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

December 12th, 2009

Taylor Lautner

Bon Jovi

None

None

None

The Other AffairsSummary: Governor Mark Sanford (Jason Sudeikis), Sen. John Ensign (Bill Hader), and former senator John Edwards (Will Forte) are annoyed that Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs have superseded their own in the eyes of the media.

Recurring Characters: John Edwards.

Transcript

Montage

Taylor Lautner’s MonologueSummary: Taylor Lautner defends girlfriend Taylor Swift’s honor by beating up a cardboard cutout of Kanye West.

Recurring Characters: Reba McEntire.

Transcript

Rose Bowl PromoSummary: Backup backup quarterback Phil Pomeroy (Taylor Lautner) is a bundle of nerves while trying to pose for the camera during a Rose Bowl promo.

SurpriseSummary: Alex (Taylor Lautner) and Ashley (Abby Elliott) want to surprise her parents (Jason Sudeikis, Nasim Pedrad) with news of their pregnancy, but can Aunt Sue (Kristen Wiig) hold herself together without spoiling the surprise?

Recurring Characters: Sue.

PGA Tour ISummary: PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) struggles to make his organization relevent following Tiger Woods’ indefinite break from golf.

Transcript

Show Choir AssemblySummary: Student heckler (Andy Samberg) ruins a forced performance by the Northeast Middle School’s Sparkle Players (Abby Elliott, Kenan Thompson, Taylor Lautner, Jenny Slate).

Transcript

PGA Tour IISummary: PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) tries to apply desperate quick-fix solutions like sexy caddies in the wake of Tiger Woods’ indefinite break from golf.

Transcript

Bon Jovi performs “Superman Tonight”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Tiger Woods’ Mistress Number 15 (Nasim Pedrad) justifies her participation in his infidelity streak. Native American comedian Billy Smith (Fred Armisen) goes over the heads of the audience with his cultural references.

Recurring Characters: Billy Smith.

Transcript

Twilight DebateSummary: Science teacher (Bill Hader) makes Mariana (Taylor Lautner) and Ellie (Abby Elliott) settle their “Twilight” differences once and for all, in the battle between Team Edward and Team Jacob.

Transcript

PGA Tour IIISummary: A drunken PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) is on suicide watch now that there’s no golf superstars left.

Transcript

Eternal Spark of LoveSummary: (Kenan Thompson) monitors budding romance between (Taylor Lautner) and (Abby Elliott).

Bon Jovi performs “When We Were Beautiful”

Doorbells And MoreSummary: Tina Tina Cheneuse (Jenny Slate) displays a variety of talking doorbells.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mani-manimalSummary: Student (Taylor Lautner) can’t stop morphing into other animals after being bitten by radioactive animals.

Dad ZoneSummary: Celebrity dads discuss how they want to raise their famous children.

VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Taylor Lautner) still greet one another with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses.

Recurring Characters: Vogelchecks.

Note: This sketch will air on the next episode hosted by James Franco.

Violent MonkeysSummary: Taylor Lautner is forces to act alongside violent monkeys.

SNL Transcripts

`

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

The Situation Room

Wolf Blitzer…..Jason Sudeikis
Tiger Woods…..Kenan Thompson
Elin…..Blake Lively

[ open on program graphics ]

[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer on set ]

Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to the Situation Room. BIG development in the Tiger Woods drama. First, the mystery exit at his Florida home. Then, the acknowledgement of some personal failings on his web site. And now, finally, Woods addresses the media, in person, outside his home. [ mumbling ] Let’s go there, live.

[ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media ]

Tiger Woods: I, uh — I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. Look, I’m not perfect — I’m, uh, far short from perfect.

Elin Nordegren: Ya!

Tiger Woods: Uh — I will strive to be a better person, and, uh, the father my family deserves.

Elin Nordegren: Ya, you vill!

Tiger Woods: For all of those, uh, who have supported me over the years, I offer my profund apology for the multiple transgressions.

Elin Nordegren: “Multiple”? So, it happened more than vonce?

Tiger Woods: [ realizes his error ] Did — did I say multiple? Because —

[ cut to “BREAKING NEWS” graphic ]

[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer ]

Wolf Blitzer: This just in, Tiger Woods is BACK in the hospital. Apparently, just HOURS after a press conference, where he confessed to MULTIPLE transgressions. Woods had an accident in his home, where he fell down a flight of stairs, then inadvertently threw himself through a plate glass window. Woods has JUST been released, and he is about to give a statement to the press. [ mumbling ] Let’s go there, live!

[ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media. Woods has a broken arm, and his wife holds and strokes a golf club ]

Tiger Woods: Wow, uh — wow! I’ve, uh, been really clumsy this week! So, uh, right after that LAST press conference, I was, uh, in my home, having a chat with my lovely… deceptively strong wife, Elin, when I guess I wasn’t looking where I was going, and I fell down the stairs! I was, uh, disoriented from the fall, so I stumbled to the other side of our house, and I — I LAUNCHED myself through a plate glass window!

Elin Nordegren: [ smiling happily ] Ya! This is vhat happened!

Tiger Woods: I’m just lucky my wife, Elin, was there to courageously call 911. I am so GLAD to have her! I love her so much! There is no other woman for me.

[ suddenly, his cellphone rings ]

Elin Nordegren: Who’s that?

Tiger Woods: Huh? What?

[ cut to “BREAKING NEWS” graphic ]

[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer ]

Wolf Blitzer: Tiger Woods, BACK in the hospital after being ACCIDENTALLY hit by his OWN car! An INCREDIBLE development in an AMAZING story! Just a BAD week, for the world’s GREATEST golfer! Questions linger. HOW… did this… happen? WE go now, LIVE [ he mumbles incoherently ]

[ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media. Woods now has a tire skid mark across his chest, as his wife holds a golf club over her shoulder ]

Tiger Woods: [ nervously ] Oh, boy! Talk about a case of the Mondays! [ he and his wife laugh ] You know, this is all my fault! Uh — believe it or not, I actaully ran over myself! Uh — luckily, my POWERFUL… Nordic-blooded wife, was in the passenger seat. The passenger seat. She jumped in the driver’s seat to put on the brakes and RESCUE me! [ he turns to Elin ] Is that right?

Elin Nordegren: Ya, that works.

Tiger Woods: I just want to say that this is not Cadillac’s fault. They’re a fine company. I guess one good thing about this is that I can get rid of this old thing, and get a NEW model! [ he laughs nervously ]

[ Elin catches his meaning, and shoots a dirty look ]

Tiger Woods: I-I didn’t mean…

[ cut to “BREAKING NEWS” graphic ]

[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer ]

Wolf Blitzer: Well, you guessed it: Tiger Woods BACK in the hospital! Let’s check in with the perpetually unlucky golfer once again [ mumbling ] Ouuuutsiiide hiiiiss Florrrridaaaa hooooome!

[ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media. Woods now has a gold club bent over his head. ]

Tiger Woods: Uh — uh — seems like I keep saying the wrong thing in these press conferences. [ he laughs ] So, uh, this time I have a prepared written statement, which I shall stick to. [ he lifts up a paper, with the words “HELP ME” scrawled on the back side ] Uh — “Earlier today, I had an unfortunate incident with my golf clubs.” [ he flips the paper to revealed the words “I’M SCARED” scrawled on the back side ] “I was putting them away in the closet, and one of them dropped on top of me.” [ he flips the paper to revealed the words SHE IS SO STRONG” scrawled on the back side ] “Luckily, my wife, Elin, was there to hand me the phone so I could call the paramedics.”

[ suddenly, Elin noticed the scrawlings on the papers ]

Elin Nordegren: Hey! Let me see those papers!

Tiger Woods: [ nervously ] What, these papers?

Elin Nordegren: Ya!

[ Woods throws the papers at her and makes a run for it ]

[ return to Wolf Blitzer ]

Wolf Blitzer: There you have it. An apologetic and terrified Tiger Woods. Coming up next: Which of these pets may be a household hazard? [ image of a cat, dog, and bear ] Here, on CNN!

[ cut to show graphic ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

UPS II

Andy Azula…..Bill Hader

[ open on UPS logo ]

[ dissolve to drawing of the word “UPS”, as Andy Azula enters frame ]

Andy Azula: Alright, you have to admit: these ads, which were so strange to you at first, are starting to become a part of your daily routine — like your morning cup of coffee!

[ he contorts the “U” into a coffee cup ]

Or a, uh — or a stick figure.

[ he contorts the “P” into a stick figure ]

Or a — [ he taps his marker in frustration ] I don’t know, a snake. Don’t worry, we won’t stop making them. In fact, we’ll make — ] he draws a “1-0-0-0” ] ONE-THOUSAND of them! Which makes me — [ he contorts the “1” into a king ] King of the Ads. And you — [ he contorts the “0”s into stick figures ] my subjects. And there’s only one rule in this kingdom: everyone wears a lady wig. [ he draws long hair on the stick figures ] Mmm. Looks like this king’s got three hot ladies! I’m gonna have sex with them! [ he adds a line to the bottom half of his stick figure ]

[ dissolve to slogan: “WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?” ]

[ UPS ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

UPS I

Andy Azula…..Bill Hader

[ open on UPS logo ]

[ dissolve to drawing of the word “UPS”, with drawings of a gift, the world, and a man’s head below it, as Andy Azula enters frame ]

Andy Azula: Alright, let’s talk about facts:

Did you know that, with UPS, you can ship your presents so they arrive Christmas morning? You can.

Did you know, with UPS, you can ship ANYWHERE in the world? It’s true.

And, did you know upS ads feature a man — [ he adds lines around the man’s face ] in a lady wig? And they can air up to eight times in a single football game? So much so, that you almost get used to it and start to enjoy it? [ he smiles ] Well, that’s true, too.

You see, this year — [ he points to each object drawn on the board ] UPS’s… gift… to the world… is me. [ he smiles ] A man in a lady wig! You’re welcome.

[ dissolve to slogan: “WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?” ]

[ UPS ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Kickspit Underground Rock Festival

DJ Supersoak…..Jason Sudeikis
Lil’ Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on fiery graphics ]

Announcer: Under-Underground Records brings you its 10th Annual kickspit Underground Rock Festival!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: What up. y’all? I’m DJ Supersoak!

Lil’ Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster! And we’re bringing you amazing happenings for the super dope —

DJ Supersoak: 10th Annual kickspit Underground Rock Festival!

Announcer: You want bands? Your! Ears! Will! Bleed!

We’ve got… RAT BALLS! SLIT! THURDERSEX! DJ DEUCE GROAN! MRS. POTATO DICK! And more!

[ cut to DJ Supersoak and Lil’ Blaster ]

DJ Supersoak: It’s the most underground festival EVER! NO water bottles! NO protection from the sun! And absolutely NO Port-a-Johns!

Lil’ Blaster: We didn’t sell out and get you a bunch a’ Port-a-johns, yo!

Announcer: You want bathrooms? Oh, we’ve got bathrooms! They’re called… YOUR PANTS!!

DJ Supersoak: Ha ha! Is that underground enough for ya’?!

Lil’ Blaster: Ohhhh, yeahhhhh!! And don’t forget the Mud-Eating Contest!

DJ Supersoak: Try to dethrone LAST year’s mud-eating champ — Ass Dan! [ show image ]

Lil’ Blaster: Everywhere you look… MAD CRUNKS gonna be poppin’ off!

DJ Supersoak: We got LOOSE ALLIGATORS up in there!

Lil’ Blaster: Chomp on some STICK MEAT!

DJ Supersoak: Come have SEX with the IRON SHEIK!

Lil’ Blaster: And did we mention… baaaands?!

Announcer: There’s gonna be DONKEY CRUST! GUNT! And don’t miss a very special encore performance… by MRS. POTATO DICK!

Lil’ Blaster: They’re like BOYS, always sprayin’ the crowd with cat piss!

DJ Supersoak: Ha ha! Hell, yeah! So many fun events, and you KNOW you gotta get in the WORST HE-MAN IMPRESSION CONTEST!

Lil’ Blaster: Just look out for LAST year’s champ — Ass Dan!

DJ Supersoak: For sure! And, if THAT wasn’t enough for you ninjas, we got a MAD LIST of special guests, yo!

Lil’ Blaster: Like MARK FUHRMAN, from the O.J. trial!

DJ Supersoak: The Mac guy, JUSTIN LONG!

Lil’ Blaster: THE SNAPPLE LADY!

DJ Supersoak: TURTLE FROM ENTOURAGE!

Lil’ Blaster: MS. SCREW MAGAZINE 1997!

DJ Supersoak: And NBA All-Star DIRK NOWITZKI, shootin’ a BB GUN at you in an OPEN FIELD!

Lil’ Blaster: You wanna get sick as hell?!

DJ Supersoak: A HELICOPTER is gonna spray your ass with VIRUSES, yo!

[ show helicopter dropping viruses ]

Announcer: VIRUSES!!

Lil’ Blaster: And, there’s MORE! Like a full screening of FACTS OF LIFE SEASON 3!

DJ Supersoak: Plus! We got a bunch of ventriloquists walking around on STILTS!

Lil’ Blaster: And their dummies got TINY STILTS, yo!

DJ Supersoak: And you KNOW we got MIMES, runnin’ all over this BITCH!!

Lil’ Blaster: And here’s the best part!

Announcer: EVERYBODY GETS PITCHFORKS!!

DJ Supersoak: EVERYBODY’S gonna be running around MAD CRAZY with PITCHFORKS, yo!

Lil’ Blaster: Literally, EVERYONE is given a PITCHFORK!

DJ Supersoak: Plus! Don’t miss a very special memorial service for Ass Dan.

[ image: Ass Dan, 1981-2009 ]

DJ Supersoak: I’m bringing the mud, y’all.

Lil’ Blaster: So get your tickets NOW, ninjas! For the 10th Annual kickspit Underground Rock Festival!

DJ Supersoak: And get ready to be truly…

Together: UNDERGROUND!!

Announcer: The kickspit Underground Rock Festival! See you ninjas there!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Skirt Shopping

Stepdaughter…..Blake Lively
Salesman…..Will Forte
Virginiaca Hastings…..Kenan Thompson
Woman 1…..Abby Elliott

[Scene opens with shot from outside a New York Shopping Store. Up Beat music is playing.]

[Camera cuts to inside a high class clothes store.]

[The Stepdaughter is holding different types of skits to her waist to see if they look good]

[Stepdaughter is wearing a type of swimsuit with a pink coat]

Salesman: Ah? Can i help you? (In a confused toned)

Stepdaughter: How much this skirt be?

Salesman: Well It’s Prada and I’m almost certain it’s out of your price range.

Stepdaughter: Uh eh! You need to drop that attitude I’m in no kind of mood for that. I need my Mama.

[The Stepdaughter throws the skirt back on the table and walk towards the store entrance]

Stepdaughter: MAMA! WHERE YOU IS GIRL?

[The stepdaughters mother “Virginiaca Hastings” comes rushing into the store out of breath and her arms are full of different store bags.]

Virginiaca Hastings: OH! OH! OH! WOAH! OH my godness! So many bags. I am overheating. What y’all got to eat all up in here? Cause girl i’m about to take a paper towell to my under boobies.

Stepdaughter: That’s so Stope! So anyway Mama, Where have you been?

Virginiaca Hastings: I was just getting some gadiver samples you know.

Virginiaca Hastings: Excuse me can you hold this bag for a second please?

[Virginiaca Hastings hands a shopping bag to a mannequin. Virginiaca Hastings releases the bag from her hand and it falls to the ground. ]

Virginiaca Hastings: (very insulted) Ah! Eh! What! Eh! Well excuse me? It’s like that?You are just going to ignore me?

[The stepdaughter climbs up on the pedestal to be the same height as the headless mannequin]

Stepdaughter: OH NO Uh uh! That’s my mama OK! There is no need to be ignorant.

Virginiaca Hastings: You don’t gots to be ignorant.

[The stepdaughter stops talking and looks at her stepmother with a smile on her face]

Stepdaughter: Oh! oh! Snap Mama. That’s a mannequin.

Virginiaca Hastings: OH! Girl you right. That IS a mannequin. Ain’t got no head. HAHA! No we didn’t. We though you were a human.

Stepdaughter: You are very well lucky you’s a mannequins. Cause I was about to say something… has got… to be dissed.

Virginiaca Hastings: Umm Humm! Come down here baby. Get some of these cattle chips.

[Virginiaca Hastings opens her very large purse. The stepdaughter reaches in and grabs some potato chips.]

Stepdaughter: Oh mama. Those chips are all kinds of tangy.

Virginiaca Hastings: THERE HAWAIIN STYLE!

Salesman: Oh I’m sorry you can’t eat in here.

Virginiaca Hastings: Excuse me? I can do whatever i want. If i wanted to i could buy all this merchandise and use it as a Sham-Wow. Perhaps you heard of my husband? Mister Cedric Earlsworth Hastings. Which would make me Miss (sluring words) Hastings! Tadao!

[Virginiaca Hastings shows the salesman her left hand to prove her marriage to Mister Cedric Earlsworth Hastings]

Virginiaca Hastings: but you can call me Virginiaca.

Salesman: Uh that’s ok. I will call you Mrs Hastings.

Virginiaca Hastings: What’s that? Did you say you wanted to see my breasts and pasties?

[Virginiaca Hastings walks towards the salesman]

Salesman: (in disgust) WHAT?

Virginiaca Hastings: Ok!

Salesman: NO!

Virginiaca Hastings: When?

Salesman: What?

Virginiaca Hastings: You nasty!

Stepdaughter: This my mom’s. You better stop trying to up into her goody snack.

Salesman: This is your mother?

Virginiaca Hastings: Well by marriage not vagina.

Salesman: I see. Charming. I will be over here.

[The Salesman walks away. The stepdaughter runs towards a Woman 1 who is looking a skirt. It seems that the stepdaughter has her eye set on the same skirt the Woman 1 is looking at.]

Stepdaughter: Oh mama look at this!

[The stepdaughter pulls the skirt from the Woman 1’s hands and puts it up against herself to show her mother how she looks in it.]

Woman 1: EXCUSE ME!

Stepdaughter: You’re excused.

Virginiaca Hastings: OH girl, hold that up to you. Oooo that would be perfect for your booty rounds and rounds.

[Virginiaca Hastings starts to sing while the Stepdaughter starts to dance provocatively]

Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and rounds. Booty go rounds and rounds.

Stepdaughter: Say What?

Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and rounds. Booty go rounds and rounds.

Stepdaughter: Say What?

Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and Booty go round and Booty go round and round.

[Stepdaughter stops dancing]

Virginiaca Hastings: Yeah that’s my baby

[The salesman comes back to the stepdaughter and Virginiaca Hastings]

Salesman: Please be carefull with that skirt. It’s trimed with sharofsky crystals.

[Virginiaca Hastings starts to mumble with an insulted look on her face]

Stepdaughter: Moma! He don’t want me to go do my booty go rounds and rounds

Virginiaca Hastings: What you mean about my baby can’t do her booty go round and round?

Stepdaughter: You lucky my Popa ain’t up in here.

Virginiaca Hastings: Yes you are lucky. See Mr. Hastings is at home with his irratable bowle. I pass by the bathroom and had to use a whole bottle of Fabreze cause I couldn’t Fabreath.

Stepdaughter: Like the song Thriller says “The funk of 40 000 years”

[Virginiaca Hastings lowers her head in respect of the death of Micheal Jackson]

Virginiaca Hastings: Micheal Jackson. He’s still with us. He’s still with us.

[The stepdaughter also lowers her head in respest of the death of Micheal Jackson.

Virginiaca Hastings: So how much for this sharofsky crystals skirt?

Salesman: $2,400.

Virginiaca Hastings: UmmHumm! OK I see. Baby want don’t you run down to the lady Footlocker and get yourself some footies? Mama’s got a do a little bargerain.

Stepdaughter: But Mama I don’t need no footies.

Virginiaca Hastings: HUSH UP GIRL AND GET ON OUT OF HERE!

Salesman: Oh I will take that.

[The salesman leans over and take the skirt from the stepdaughter. Virginiaca Hastings pushes the stepdaughter out of the store.]

Virginiaca Hastings: UH OH! Did you hear that?

[Virginiaca Hastings puts down her bags and purse on a near by table]

Virginiaca Hastings: That was the sounds of my spanks splitting up the back end.

[Virginiaca Hastings stands to slowly dance towards the Salesman]

Virginiaca Hastings: OH! And did you hear THAT!

Salesman: (with a confused look) No.

Virginiaca Hastings: Well that was the sound of my G-String movin out the way. Look what you do to me. Oh now look at this!

[Virginiaca Hastings pushes everything off the table and then climbs on top. She gets on all fours on top of the table]

Virginiaca Hastings: Now I want you to image this.. bottom less and top less with just a belt on.

Salesman: Here Here you can have it. Just take it and go.

[Salesman hands over the skirt over to Virginiaca Hastings with a discusted look on his face]

Virginiaca Hastings: Are you sure? You good? Cause I can back it up. I can back it up. I can back it up. I can back it up.

[fades to black]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

An SNL Digital Short

…..Rihanna
Shy Ronnie…..Andy Samberg

[An SNL Digital Short Logo appears]

[opens to a class of 4th graders looking at the front of the class with a Hip Hop beat in the backgroud]

[Cuts to Rihanna at the front of the class]

[Rihanna sings]

Rihanna: Eh! Oh! Woah Oh!

[Camera cuts to Rihanna looking sexy and “Shy Ronnie”. Knowledge is writen on the blackboard in large letters.]

Rihanna: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

[Camera cuts to Rihanna rotating on a pedistal. Rihanna’s name is written in cursive at the bottom of the screen]

Rihanna: Rihanna and Shy Ronnie

[Camera cuts to Shy Ronnie looking shy in front of the class with Nerdy glasses and clothes.]

[Camera cuts to Rihanna and Shy Ronnie dancing in the front stage while Rihanna starts to sing]

Rihanna: Wer’ like fire an ice. Taking over the whole world.

Background Vocals: Whole world.

[Camera cuts to Shy Ronnie drawing a circle with both hands to represent the world while looking at Rihanna.]

[Cuts back to Rihanna and Shy Ronnie in the front of the class room]

Rihanna: From the mountain tops, down to the boys and girls.

[Shy Ronnie points to the kids in the class room at there desk.]

[Camera cuts to the kids in the class room. One child at the back of the class is sitting on a stool with a Dunce cap on]

Rihanna: And the tree of knowledge it grows cause we plan the seed.

[Camera cuts to a Mexican child who nods in agreeance.]

Rihanna: We the teachers of this and we got just what you need. Shy Ronnie

[Rihanna points to Shy Ronnie for his queue to sing]

[Shy Ronnie mumbles in a very low tone]

Rihanna: Speak up.

[Shy Ronnie still mumbles at a very low tone]

Rihanna: [impatiently] Shy Ronnie. Speak Up!

[Shy Ronnie continues to mumble in a very low tone]

[Rihanna tries to stop Shy Ronnie from singing]

Rihanna: OK I’ll take it from here-

Shy Ronnie: AHA!

Rihanna: OK

Rihanna: We like fire and ice taking over the whole world.

[Shy Ronnie signals the children to wave there hands in the air.]

[Camera cuts to the kids in the class room waving there hands unwillingly in the air and in disgust of Shy Ronnie]

Rihanna: From the mountain tops, down to the boys and girls.

[Camera cuts back to Rihanna and Shy Ronnie. The children stopped waving their hands in the air and so did Shy Ronnie in embarrassment.]

Rihanna: Hit ‘em Shy Ronnie!

[Shy Ronnie is excited that it’s his turn to sing again hoping to redeem himself from last time]

[Shy Ronnie continues to mumble in a very low tone]

Rihanna: [in disbelief] No!

[Shy Ronnie creates a feedback into the mic].

Rihanna: Move the mic away from your face.

[Shy Ronnie continues to mumble in a very low tone.]

Rihanna: C’mon, this beat cost a lot of money.

[Shy Ronnie stops singing. Camera pans out to both Rihanna and Shy Ronnie]

Rihanna: Oh, no. Oh, no. He pissed himself. He pissed himself!

[Camera cuts to full view of Rihanna and Shy Ronnie. Shy Ronnie urinated in his pants.]

[Camera cuts to one of the school kids pointing and laughing at Shy Ronnie.]

Shy Ronnie: AHA!

Rihanna: Oh Boy!

[Camera cuts to one of the school kids pointing and laughing at Shy Ronnie.]

[Camera cuts back to Rihanna]

Rihanna: Shoulda just paid Kanye. Bye Shy Ronnie. Bye-Bye

[Rihanna leaves the class room. Hip Hop beat stops]

Shy Ronnie: AHA!

[Hip Hop beats starts again]

Shy Ronnie: Names Shy Ronnie and I running this ish!! You know i say stay strappin’ cause life is a Bitch!

[Rihanna comes back into the room]

[Ronnie starts to mumble again in a low tone]

Rihanna: Hey! I forgot my purse.. Bye, bye again.

[Rihanna walks out of the class room with her purse]

[Hip Hop beat stops playing]

Shy Ronnie: And I don’t need no beat, I keep a-rockin’ a’cappella, and you should hang with me, because my name is Shy Ronnie.

[Fade]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts