Month: October 2018

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 11th, 1993

Sally Field

Tony! Toni! Tone!

None

Tony! Toni! Tone!, “If I Had No Loot”

Adam Sandler Christmas Song

Adam Sandler sings a love letter to Santa Claus.

Sally Field’s Monologue

Field alienates audience members hoping for revival of old roles.

Recurring Characters: Burt Reynolds.

NCI Long Distance

(Repeat) See: 09/25/93.

I Want My Baby Back!

White Diamonds Perfume

Fuzzy Elizabeth Taylor (Field) promotes perfume.

Recurring Characters: Elizabeth Taylor.

Tony! Toni! Tone! performs “If I Had No Loot”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Mayor David Dinkins (Tim Meadows) vows revenge on voter who didn’t re-elect him.

Headgames

Game show host (Phil Hartman) plays mind games with family member contestants.

Matt Foley: Motivational Santa

Matt Foley (Chris Farley) plays Santa Claus at the town mall.

Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.

Crab Lice Singles’ Club Mixer

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If you drop your keys in lava.

(Repeat) See: 10/31/92.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Using grenade decoys during a war.

Tony! Toni! Tone! performs “Tell Me Mama”

Pious Housewife

Jesus (Phil Hartman) asks housewife (Field) to tone down her prayers.

Recurring Characters: Jesus.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

The identities of Superman & Santa Claus.

Goodnights

Dress Cuts:

Billable Hours

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 8

93h: Charlton Heston / Paul Westerberg

Infiniti Q45 Toilet III

Jonathan Pryce…..Mike Myers

[ walks up to sleek black toilet in a black suit with black turtleneck sweater, holding a silver coffee mug ]

Jonathan Pryce: This is the new Infiniti Q45 Toilet.

And this is the seat on the Q. It goes both up, and down.

[ close-up on toilet with Pryce demonstrating up/down action ]

[ shot of Pryce sitting on toilet with coffee mug ]

Now if they put that much thought into the seat,

[ pushes infiniti logo on front of toilet, extending a cupholder which he places his mug into ]

imagine the other thoughtful extremes they went to.

[ SUPER: “Infiniti. Everything that’s possible in a toilet.” ]

Visit your Infiniti toilet showroom.

[ shot of Pryce walking away from toilet, coffee mug still in cupholder, pauses and turns towards camera ]

Oh, and tell them you already know the part about the caca.

[ turns right and walks off screen ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: David Thompson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 8

93h: Charlton Heston / Paul Westerberg

Infiniti Q45 Toilet II

Jonathan Pryce…..Mike Myers

Jonathan Pryce: This is the new Infiniti Q45 Toilet.

[ dons a pair of plastic safety glasses ]

Now pretend this [ pulls out rubber dart gun ] is poopy

[ Shoots dart at black, sleek looking toilet, which sticks momentarily and falls to the ground ]

Peepee [ shoots dart ] doody [ shoots dart ] caca [ shoots dart ] [ mutiple darts shot, all ultimately falling off ]

Infiniti developed a revolutionary non-stick finish which resists these hazards. [ shoots dart ]

I can’t explain the process [ removes glasses ], but they’ll be happy to at your Infiniti toilet showroom.

[ looks into camera with left eyebrow comically arched ]

Oh…tell them you already know the part about the caca.

[ SUPER: “Infiniti. Everything that’s possible in a toilet.” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: David Thompson

SNL Transcripts

Infiniti Q45 Toilet I

Jonathan Pryce…..Mike Myers

Jonathan Pryce: [ taps on screen with marker ] Can I borrow your TV screen.

This is how waste exits a conventional toilet bowl.

[ draws downward curlicues on left side of screen ]

And this is how waste exits the new Infiniti Q-45 Toilet.

[ draws straight downward line on right side of screen ]

[ Jonathan walks up to a sleekly-designed toilet ]

Thanks to a revolutionary design advance known as Hyperflush, the entire process takes 0.8 seconds. How? [ laughs ] I could give you a practical demonstration, but I’d have to mess up your screen a lot.

Buy or lease an Infiniti Q-45 Toilet from an Infiniti dealer today.

[ SUPER: “Infiniti. Everything that’s possible in a toilet.” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Charlton Heston’s Monologue

…..Charlton Heston
Female Ape Audience Member…..Sarah Silverman
Male Ape Audience Member #1…..Tom Davis
Male Ape Audience Member #2…..
Male Ape Audience Member #3…..Norm MacDonald
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Captured slave Charlton Heston!

[ two members of the ape army drag a shackled Heston onto Home Base – the ape audience is pleased ]

Charlton Heston: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, even it is as a prisoner.

[ the members of the ape army growl at Heston ]

Now, now.. you apes are probably wondering how a.. human being like me can.. talk! Am I some kind of a mutant? Nah. Well, if there’s one thing I want to make clear to you apes tonight.. it’s that I am not a mutant! I am a human being!! I can speak! But I am not a mutant! [ female ape audience member stands ] Yeah? Yes? There seems to be a question now.

Female Ape Audience Member: Yeah, are you some kind of talking mutant?

Charlton Heston: Nooo! I just said I’m not a mutant! I’m a human being! From your past, when human beings spoke! [ male ape audience member stands ] Yes.. yes?

Male Ape Audience Member #1: Uh.. are there.. are there other talking mutants?

Charlton Heston: I told you I am not a mutant! You don’t understand! [ points to another ape in the audience ] Yes.. over here.

Male Ape Audience Member #2: Where do you keep your tribe of talking mutants?

Charlton Heston: [ exasperated ] I don’t think you’re paying attention to what I’m telling you! [ points to another ape ] Yes? Yes?

Male Ape Audience Member #3: Yeah, uhh.. am I crazy, or are you a, uh.. [ extended pause ] ..are you a human?

Charlton Heston: Yes! Yes, I am!

Male Ape Audience Member #3: Then, where the hell did you learn to talk like an ape, you damn mutant?!

Charlton Heston: This is insane! [ pushes the apes away ] Let go off me! [ looks around ] Lorne? Lorne! Is Lorne here?

[ two other member of the ape army drag a shackled, yet highball-holding, Lorne Michaels before Heston ]

Lorne Michaels: There you are. Just play along – the apes are a great audience! They’re crazy about humans!

Charlton Heston: It’s a madhouse! It’s a madhouse! Well.. I guess I have no choice. you apes are a good audience.. we have a great show for you. Paul Westerberg is here, so.. stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service

Mr. O’Malley…..Chris Farley
Herlihy Boy…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: If you leave home this holiday season, why not let the Herlihy Boy be your housesitter? Out of an estimated 50,000 professional housesitters in the world, the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.

[ dissolve to disheveled-looking Herlihy Boy staring menacingly intothe canera ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. Let me water your plants. Please, while you’re gone? Let me water your plants. It would mean so much to me, if you would just let me water your plants. Come on, you’re not gonna be there! Somebody’s gotta water them! Why.. why can’t it be me? Please? Hey! Hey! Please? Lwt me water your plants.

Mr. O’Malley: Come on, let the boy water your plants! [ almost cries ]

Herlihy Boy: Hi, hello. Are you good? Good! Let me bring in your mail. While you’re gone. Come on, please? Let me bring in your mail? There’ll be so much mail in your mailbox while you’re away. Let me bring the mail in the house for you. Come on, I’m already gonna be watering your plants! Just say yes to letting me bring in your mail. Please? Don’t look away – look at me! I honestly and sincerely would like to bring in your mail.

Mr. O’Malley: He’s a good hard-working boy! Let him bring inyour mail!

Herlihy Boy: Hey, look who’s here! It’s nice to see you again, you look great! Let me sleep in your bed. Don’t shake your head “no”. Let me sleep in your bed. You’re not even gonna be there. Please let me sleep in your bed? Nothing weird’s gonna happen. I’ll sleep in the exact same position as you sleep. You can trust me. I’ll even wash the sheets before you come back, how’s that? Please?

Mr. O’Malley: Sweet Mother of God, what is the hold up?! Let the boy sleep in your damn bed! He said he’d wash your sheets!

Herlihy Boy: Please don’t make me wash the sheets.

Mr. O’Malley: He’s a clean boy! Wash your own damn sheets! For God’s sakes!

Herlihy Boy: Let me move in with you, please? When you come back home, don’t make me leave. Please, let me move in with you? I’ll push all my things in the corner. That’ll be my little area. Please? I won’t bother you. You won’t even have to look at me. Please, let me move in with you, please? I’d like an answer, and I’d like that answer to be “yes”. Please? I’ve already slept in your bed. If you didn’t want me to move in, why’d you let me sleep in your bed? Just let me move in with you, please?

Mr. O’Malley: Can we STOP this cruel game! And allow the boyto keep ONE shred of diginity! For God’s sake, I can’t STAND to see him in all this pain!! You VICIOUS BASTARDS!! Let him move in with you!! Is it so bad to see somebody happy?! So just let him MOVE IN!! For the LOVE OF GOD, let the boy move in with you!! Good Lord!!

Herlihy Boy: I’m not gonna beg you. My track record speaks foritself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

[ Mr. O’Malley reaches over to give the Herlihy Boy a hearty hug ]

Announer: The Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service. Let’s face it,he’s coming over anyway.

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Charlton Heston

Charlton Heston: I want to thank you all, you’ve made a great audience, just a marvelous audience!

[ the audience cheers and the band begins to play. Heston glances at Westerberg standing next to him, and realizes that he hasn’t thanked him yet. Unfortunately, the audio has already been lowered. The two share the share the glance, as Westerberg points to himself and Heton attempts to acknowledge him to the audience. The two shake hands and laugh it off. ]

[ next to them on the stage, Chris Farley, still dressed as his Mr. O’Malley character, holds up a sign that reads: “Happy Birthday Joe!” and shakes it around ]

SNL Transcripts

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Patrick O’Callahan…..Charlton Heston

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs, you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. Well holiday season is coming, a Happy Hanukah to you and yours. Of course the big news is that I Linda Richman am going to see Barbra Joan Streisand New Year’s Eve in Las Vegas Nevada. Ach I’m dying. My sister Judy got me the tickets because she loves me and knows how much she means to me. Now I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Italian Neo Realist Movement in film was neither Italian nor neo nor particuarly a movement. Discuss! There I feel better. Okay we have a very special guest. His name is Patrick O’Callahan. He lives here in the building. We met during a rent strike. Welcome to Coffee Talk Patrick.

Patrick O’Callahan: Oh Thanks Linda. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Linda Richman: Can you believe this is my new boyfriend(pinches his cheek) such a goyeschaponnum. He’s got the map of Ireland written on that face. Tell em what you used to do.

Patrick O’Callahan: I’m a retired New York policeman.

Linda Richman: Can you believe it? An Irish cop and me it’s like a sitcom. I feel like I’m on Bridget loves Bernie the Golden Years. The first time he came to my apartment, I thought you’re a goy so you’re probably a drinker. Are you hungry? Fix yourself a bowl of scotch.

Patrick O’Callahan: That’s great Linda I love all of your stick.

Linda Richman: That’s sch-tick.

Patrick O’Callahan: Sch-tick. That’s right. I feel like such a smuck.

Linda Richman: Close enough. Close enough. Don’t go changing just to please me. I’ll tumble for you. Let’s go to the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk you know no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello Linda. First of all I think Patrick is very attractive.

Patrick O’ Callahan: Thanks. I’m ker velling.

Linda Richman: That’s kavelling, not ker-velling like ker-plunk. Okay what’s your question?

Caller #1: Did you see Barbra’s new album called “Back on Broadway”?

Linda Richman: Are you kidding? It’s like buttah. Each song is like a stick of buttah. That album is on the Land O Lakes label. It’s to die for. Our number is 555-4444 Hello? You’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #2: Hello Linda? Did you hear of a new unauthorized biography called “Call Me Barbra”?

Linda Richman: Fech. Nebech pooh pooh pooh Staligze ziebe zieble sie koppen drratd.

Caller #2: What does that mean?

Patrick O’Callahan: It means uh stick your head in the ground and act like an uh, an onion.

Linda Richman: Very Good. Well Erin Go Bra to you.

Patrick O’Callahan: That was from our first date.

Linda Richman: I still can’t believe I’m going to see Barbra in Las Vegas. It gives shpilkes in my genecktegessoink. Too much good is nishkit.

Patrick O’ Callahan: Linda, you’re getting some shpilkes (hesitates) well orveshamin.

Linda Richman: He tries. God knows he tries. Bless Him. God bless him. Hello you’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #3: Hello Patrick, what are your feelings about Linda, and what are your intensions?

Patrick O’Callahan: What’s Linda like? She’s like butter.

Linda Richman: Start.

Patrick O Callahan: When I first met her, I thought that woman had alot of spunk. She has alot of tutchspahk. You’re some woman Linda I’m honored to know you.

Linda Richman: How can you not love this man?He’s my hubble from the way we were. Hubble? There I go again I’m all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you yes another topic. The Partridge Family were neither Partridges nor a family Discuss! There I feel better. Thank you.

Patrick O’Callahan: Linda I want you to know I’m very serious about our relationship.

Linda Richman: Patrick, if you should ever move in, I never want to hear this question. Where should we put the tree? I don’t want to be seeing pictures of you know who and I’m not talking about Santa Claus.

Patrick O’Callahan: Linda, I’m not talking moving in. Linda, will you marry me?

Linda Richman: Oye gotanu. Now I’m getting to be verklempt again. That’s all the time we have for this week. Thank you Patrick. To be continued. I’m Linda Richman. Good night.

(scene fades)

Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Bag Man

Customer…..Melanie Hutsell
Elwin…..Charlton Heston
Loudspeaker Voice…..Rob Schneider
Manager…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Hayden…..Julia Sweeney
Punk #1…..David Spade
Punk #2…..Adam Sandler

[ open on interior, supermarket aisle, as elder bag boy Elwin shelves groceries ]

[ a female customer approaches Elwin ]

Customer: Excuse me, are these apples fresh?

Elwin: Oh, I’ll say they are, young lady. Those are fresh Granny Smith apples, straight from the orchard. Yeah, they’d make a great pie. I’ll tell you what you do – you drop a few of those in your pocket. I won’t say a thing. Why pay for something you’re not sure you want?

Customer: Well.. sure! Maybe I will steal a couple! And, you know what? I’ll bring you a slice of pie to pay you back!

Elwin: Oh, that’s a great idea, ma’am!

Customer: Thanks!

Elwin: Thank you.

[ the female customer walks away ]

Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on six-ounce Cling peaches.

Elwin: Uh.. three dollars and eighty-nine cents!

Loudspeaker Voice: Uh.. that can’t be right. They’re not that much.

Elwin: Oh, yes, they are, Captain!

[ Elwin’s Manager comes around the corner to reprimand him ]

Manager: [ stern ] Elwin! Six-ounce Cling peaches are fifty cents! What’s wrong with you? You know, I’ve managing here for three weeks now, and I must say you are, without a doubt, the worst employee here. I don’t know how you’ve lasted here for forty years —

Elwin: No, no – forty-two years, Captain. I-I started in 1951!

Manager: Look, Elwin, you’ve been with the company for a long time, but maybe it’s time to.. well.. you know..

Elwin: [ confused ] No. I don’t know. What?

Manager: Well, don’t you think it’s a little strange to be a bag boy at your age?

Elwin: Strange, yeah. But, then, a lot of things in this world are strange. I read in the paper that a guy actually ate 65 hot dogs to win a ten dollar bet. Now, that’s strange. And, in that same paper, I read about a fellow who got fired from his job, and then he came back the next day with a shotgun, and shot his boss and killed him. And three of his co-workers, too. And then he danced some sort of insane death dance! [ laughs ] Yeah, it is a strange world!

Manager: [ mortified ] All I’m saying is.. Cling peaches.. are fifty cents.

Elwin: I gotcha, Captain! I’ll remember that for sure!

[ the Manager slinks away, as Elwin continues the shelf he was working on ]

[ Mrs. Hayden approaches with her young son in their shopping cart ]

Mrs. Hayden: Hello, Elwin.

Elwin: Well! Hello, Mrs. Hayden! [ to the young boy ] Hi there, tiger!

Young Boy: Hi!

Elwin: How you doing?

Young Boy: Good.

Elwin: Hey, little guy, I-I got a present for you. [ picks up a cereal box, pulls the prize out of it and hands it to the young boy ] There we are!

Mrs. Hayden: [ chuckles ] Say thanks to Elwin, Andy!

Young Boy: Thanks.

Elwin: Now, you be good to your mother, sport!

Young Boy: Okay.

Mrs. Hayden: Okay. So long.

[ Mrs. Hayden exits down the aisle ]

Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on a head of lettuce.

Elwin: Sixteen bucks!

[ Elwin’s Manager comes running back up the aisle ]

Manager: Are you crazy??! Sixteen bucks for a head of lettuce?!!

Elwin: Well, come to think of it, th-that is crazy. But, you know, lately I’ve been thinking all sorts of crazy thoughts. I thought lettuce was sixteen bucks, and, just before that, I thought that Cling peaches were $3.89.. and, just yesterday, I was thinking how much fun it might be to climb into a man’s house while he sleeps, and then beat him to death with a shovel! I guess.. at my age, I guess a man’s mind starts playing little tricks on him, you know?

Manager: Alright, look.. uh.. from now on, I’ll do the price checks.

Elwin: I gotcha, Captain! I’m with you on that!

[ the Manager walks away again, as a pair of punks approach Elwin ]

Punk #1: Awwww, hi Bag Boy! Look, it’s the bag boy! Get a promotion yet, Bag Boy?

Elwin: Aw, th-that’s funny, it really is. ‘Cause you mean, because I’ve been a bag boy for forty-two years.

[ the two punks laugh at Elwin ]

Punk #2: Hey, Bag Boy, is that your name? what’s your mom’s name? Bag Lady?

Elwin: Oh, yeah, that’s funny, too. Bag Lady. Now, that is funny. I.. I got a joke for you fellows. Now, maybe it’s an old. If it is, if you’ve heard, why, you let me know, huh? It seems there’s an old guy – this old guy, and he takes these two kids and he cuts off their heads.. [ runs his finger across their necks ] And then, um.. there they are, running around with the blood squirting out of their necks. Uh.. a roaring fountain of blood. Oh.. but, I forgot the punch line.

[ the two punks quietly slip away ]

Elwin: Those are nice young fellows.

Loudspeaker Voice: Clean up on Aisle 3.

Elwin: Yeah, what is it?

Loudspeaker Voice: Carton of eggs.

Elwin: Oh, let ’em dry – I’ll scrape ’em up later.

[ Elwin’s Manager comes running up again ]

Manager: Look, Elwin. I don’t want you to take this personally, but.. we need to make a few staff cut backs, and, well, you seem to be awful close to retirement, so I thought, maybe —

Elwin: Whoa. Why – why would I want to retire? I love working here, Captain.

Manager: Well, Elwin.. maybe it would give you more time to relax, maybe work on your hobbies —

Elwin: Yeah, yeah, I do have some hobbies. I collect coins, and I’ve got a matchbook cover for practically every diner in the southwest area —

Manager: [ chuckles happily ] Well, you see! There you go!

Elwin: Yeah. And there’s another hobby I was thinking of taking up, but, uh.. only if I had enough time on my hands. You know, the funny thing is, this one involves you. Yeah, yeah. I was gonna see how loud I could get you to scream, but.. not by using the pliers on you, but on the ones you love the best. Ohhh, I’ll bet we can get it so the screams echo off the walls of that remote tool shed for years!

Manager: [ stone-faced, filled with shock and dread ] What the hell are you —

Elwin: Well, if you retire, you gotta keep busy, right, Captain?

Manager: [ sweating ] Whoa.. whoa.. what’s all this talk about retirement? I got a feeling there’s quite a few years before you get your gold watch! [ laughs nervously ]

Elwin: Well, maybe.. maybe you’re right. I guess I’ll just stick to my coins and matchbooks, I guess, for now, that other thing will just remain a dream just out of reach.

Manager: I’m gonna go clean up those eggs..

Elwin: Right, Captain, right!

[ Manager slinks away again, prepared to hide from Elwin altogether ]

Loudspeaker Voice: Price check on twelve-pound honery-glazed ham.

Elwin: Two for a nickel!

[ Elwin tosses his price-checker into the air ]

[ zoom out on set, as Heston walks away and we fade to commercial ]

SNL Transcripts

Studio of the Apes

…..Charlton Heston
…..Joe Dicso
Virgil…..Rob Schneider
…..Phil Hartman
…..Chris Farley
…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Charlton Heston in his dressing room, sitting on the couch and talking into a mini-cassette recorder ]

Charlton Heston: And this completes my final journal entry, before I host the show. Eleven.. twenty-five P.M., December 4th A.D., 1993.

Joe Dicso: [ peeking in ] Five minutes, Mr. Heston.

Charlton Heston: Fine, Joe. I’ll just, uh.. lie down for a couple of minutes.

[ Heston lies across the couch, as he again speaks into his mini-cassette recorder ]

You know, there’s one thing still bothering me: Is man truly meant to be funny? I just don’t know.

[ Heston falls asleep, as the clock on the wall spins at a rapid pace ]

[ the years zoom by – 1994.. 1995.. 1996.. 2000.. 2050.. 2200.. stopping at 3978 ]

[ Heston wakes from his nap, now bearded and dazed ]

Charlton Heston: Wha..? what time is it..? I.. overslept.. Why the hell didn’t somebody wake me..?

[ Heston stumbles into the empty hall, failing to notice the framed photos of apes lining the walls ]

Charlton Heston: Hello? Somebody! Any.. hello..? Where is every.. Hello?! Hello..! [ echoes ] What’s going on here, anyway?

[ Heston approaches the doors to the studio, flanked with futuristic scarecrows from the “Planet of the Apes” movie. The familiar music sting eminates upon their image, then cuts as Heston notices the back of a stagehand inside the doorway ]

Charlton Heston: Oh. There’s somebody. Hey! sir? Hello?

[ the stagehand turns around – it’s an ape ]

Charlton Heston: Aaagghh!! [ runs down the hall ] Oh, my God! It’s happening again!

[ warning horn sounds, as an ape army chase after Heston ]

Apes: There’s a human on the loose! Human!

[ Heston runs past a female stagehand, who screams at the sight of the escaped human ]

Charlton Heston: I need some help! Somebody! [ peeks into the control room ] There’s apes everywhere!

[ control operators turn to face Heston – they, too, are apes ]

Charlton Heston: My God! They’ve taken over the control room!

Director: Call Security!! There’s a human loose in the studio!

[ Heston wanders in front of the musical guest stage, also flanked by a scarecrow ]

Charlton Heston: What.. kind of a show is this..?

[ cut to the show being broadcast. It’s a Richmeister sketch starring Ape Virgil in Rob Schneider’s ancient role ]

[ Ape Cornelius enters scene to make some copies ]

Virgil: Cornelius! Cornelius-o-rama! The Apeinator! Apeman! Aaaaaaape!

Cornelius: Hi, Virgil. Just making some copies.

Virgil: Alriiiiiight!! Captain Cornelius, mak-in’ cop-ies! Baron von Aaaaape!

[ Heston walks past the set, even the ape cameraman turns to notice ]

Charlton Heston: How is this possible..?

Virgil: [ points at Heston ] There he is! There! Get him! [ begins pounding on his desk in a raged fury ]

[ Heston walks across the stage, where he notices Phil Hartman and other cast members from the human cast of 1993 trapped inside a cage ]

Charlton Heston: Phil! Phil! Oh, thank God you’re alive.. I never thought I’d see you again.. This crazy place.. Phil? Phil? [ Phil stares dazed back at Heston ] What’s going on? [ turns Phil’s face, to reveal stitchery on the side of his forehead ] Oh, damn you?! Damn you, go to hell! You cut out his brain! [ notices Chris Farley staring dazed from inside the cage ] Chris? Chris! What abot you? Talk to me! Are you okay? [ no response from Chris ] Oh, my God! You cut out his brain, too!

Tim Meadows: No, Mr. Heston.. Chris is fine, he’s always like this.

Chris Farley: “Ten Commandments” was awesome!

Charlton Heston: I’m in hell! [ ape audience throws vegetables at him ] My God! The audience is apes, too!

[ the ape army runs in and covers Heston with a mesh net ]

Charlton Heston: Aaaggh!! Aaagghhh!! Take your stinkin’ hands off me, you damn dirty ape! [ seizes the netting off of him ] “Live.. from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts