[ open on two Housesitters entering dingy-looking house ]
Housesitter #1: [ disgusted ] This is a great housesitting job you found.. this place is a dump!
Housesitter #2: Just wait’ll you see the pool.
[ they reach the pool, whch is dirty and empty ]
Housesitter #1: [ further disgusted ] No water!
[ Housesitter #2 grins slyly, then turns a faucet on and fills the pool. Dirty water starts to drip from the pipe, but suddenly the dirty pool is transformed into a sparkling paradise, as five heavily-pumped gay men rise from the water. ]
Guy In Pool: You two look like you need to get wet!
Housesitters: [ looking up to the heavens ] Thank you!
[ flash on Schmitt’s Gay logo on the front of a bottle ]
[ intercut shots of crotch areas of the gay men, as the Housesitters scream excitedly ]
[ various scenes of the Housesitters engaged in activities with the gay pool guys are seen – drinking, videotaping, doing the congo, etc. ]
Announcer: If you’ve got a big thirst, and you’re gay, reach for a cold, tall bottle of Schmitt’s Gay.
[ cut to Housesitters massaging the pool guys ]
Housesitter #1: I think I’m gonna like housesitting..
Summary“That’s the news, and I am out of here!” Dennis Miller always quipped at the end of “Weekend Update”. And at the end of the 1990 season, he meant it – he was leaving for good, and not planning to “pathetically” hang around the set like Jon Lovitz did all season! With the departure of “Saturday Night Live”‘s longest-running anchorman, someone had to take over the show’s news segment. The assignment was given to frequent “Update” correspondent Kevin Nealon, a move which created a visible line among fans of “SNL”. Some will argue that Nealon had poor delivery, while others applaud his ability to come across sounding like a real newsman. The 1991 season may also be remembered for having the longest opening credits ever, with performers being announced in three different categories.
…..Dennis Miller Gen. Norman Schwartzkoff…..Chris Farley …..Chris Rock
[ Music Over: “Go Your Own Way”, Fleetwood Mac ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchroperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?
President Bush reported that he shed ten pounds in the last three weeks, and hopes to lose another 165 pounds by November 1992. [ show picture of Bush with Quayle ]
[ over picture of Kissinger next to a U.S. map ] Henry Kissinger flipped out this week on “The CBS Morning News”, and began revealing the secret location of missile silos in the midwestern United States.
An additional 47 1/2 hours of President Nixon’s Watergate tapes will be made public this summer, said the National Archives this week. If the tapes do well, Nixon may be coming out with a new album in the Fall.
Dennis Miller: This week, General Norman Scwartzkoff got into some hot water, speaking to the West Point cadet corps. He called Pentagon insiders who criticized the Army “military fairies”, a phrase which offended some of the gay and lesbian community. Here to clarify his meaning, is General “Stormin'” Norman Schwartzkoff. Welcome, General!
Gen. Norman Schwartzkoff: Well, thank you, Dennis! Let me say right off that, when I used the term “fairy”, I was speaking colloquially. Where I grw up in New Jersey, the word “fairy” was often substituted for other terms. For instance, on my block, the Staten Island Ferry is called the Statan Island Gay Boy. And, of course, we all believed in the Tooth Faggot! Let’s not let this minor incident diminish the fact that our combined forces kicked some Iraqi butt! Hell, we got the damn thing on video cassette! Those Iraqis are lucky I had an army, ’cause if I didn’t, I would have been forced to go over there myself and personally beat the livin’ tar out of each and every individual who came within my parameter! [ stands ] And I’ll tell you one more thing: I want Holyfield! I want Holyfield! I showed you what these guns can do in the Middle East, now I’m gonna show what they can do in the ring! This summer, Atlantic City, the Taj Mahal: Holyfield/Schwartzkoff!! It’s the War on the Shore! I’m the Whale That Prevails! Vander, you’re going DOWN, Sir! In three! You will take your punishment! [ rips open shirt to reveal “Stormin’ Norman” t-shirt ]
Dennis Miller: General Norman Schwartzkoff, folks. You need one of those spit shields from the salad bar..
Spike Lee and Anthony Quinn posed at the Cannes Film Festival in the south of France this week, where they propsed plans to do a new film together, called “The Nike High Tops of the Fisherman”.
Dennis Miller: In the past few weeks, there’s been speculation that President Bush will drop Vice-President Dan Quayle from the Republican ticket, and replace him with Colin Powell, giving Mr. Powell the chance to become the country’s first black Vice-President. More on this story, from our “Saturday Night Live” news correspondent. Please welcome Chris Rock. Chris?
Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis! Now, as you know, there’s a lot of talk about a black Vice-President, and I want to tell the world that it’s not gonna happen. As long as you live, you wil never see a black Vice-President. You know why? ‘Cause some black guy will just kill the President, that’s why. I would do it. If Colin Powell was Vice-President, I would kill the President, and tlel his mother about it, okay? What would happen? What would they do? What are they gonna do, put me in jail with a bunch of black guys who are gonna treat me like a hero for the rest of my life? I would be the biggest star in jail, man! Guys would be coming up to me, I’d be signing autographs: “97-KY, there you go!” Guys would be saying, “Hey, man, you the brother that shot Bush! And you told his mother about it, huh? Yo, I hope my children turn out to be just like you, man! You know, I was getting ready to rape you, until I realized who you were!” And even if they had a death penalty, what would would happen? I would just get pardoned by the black President! So, as you can see, Dennis, it would not be in George Bush’s best interests to place Colin Powell on the ticket. Thanks a lot, Dennis!
Dennis Miller: Chris Rock!
Superbowl champion New York Giant coach, Bill Parcells, is leaving his job as Head Coach of the team. Parcells told the press that he told the guys not to dump Gatorade on him again, they went ahead and did it, so he’s gone
Dennis Miller: Well, this is my last show.. I want to thank all the people I worked with, you couldn’t ask for a nicer group of people. And I want to thank all of you. It’s been my real privilege to work here, and I’ll msis it a lot. Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!
Bob Swerski…..George Wendt Carl Wollarski…..Robert Smigel Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Show opens at Ditka’s Restaurant, Chicago
Bob Swerski: Hello, and welcome to another edition of Bill Swerski’s Superfans. I’m Bob Swerski, sittin’ in for my brother Bill, who is still recovering from that dreadful heart attack. With me as always are the Superfans, Pat Arnold-
Pat Arnold: Hey Bob.
Bob Swerski: Carl Wollarski-
Carl Wollarski: Hey Bob.
Bob Swerski: And Todd O’Conner-
Todd O’Conner: How are ya’ Bob?
Bob Swerski: Real good. Real good. Once again, we’re comin’ to ya from Ditka’s Restaurant in the heart of Chicago, the city of the big shoulders, and home to a certain team, which come January will run roughshod over the competition in Super Bowl XXVI. A team that is known as…..Da Bears!
Superfans: (Lifting their beer mugs) Da Bears!
Todd O’Conner: Why are we so blessed?
Bob Swerski: Well, we’ll get to that later Todd, but first off, we’re gettin’ ready to enjoy today’s basketball game folks, in which the Detroit Pistons are gonna run into a certain team from a certain town known for it’s Polish Sausage, assumed to be the home of….Da Bulls!
Superfans: (Lifting their beer mugs again) Da Bulls!
Bob Swerski: Okay, some predictions from the sports fans on today’s game. Pat?
Pat Arnold: Bulls, one forty-nine to twenty-tree.
Bob Swerski: Carl?
Carl Wollarski: Bulls, one forty-nine to fifty-two.
Bob Swerski: Okay, some difference in opinion there between you guys. Todd?
Todd O’Conner: Bulls, four hundred and two to zip!
Bob Swerski: Okay! Real good!
Todd O’Conner: But, Michael Jordan will be held to under two-hundred points.
Bob Swerski: Todd, one-hundred points is the record.
Todd O’Conner: “Was”.
Superfans: Da Bulls!
Bob Swerski: As you know, basketball is a pleasant diversion, but let us get back to a more serious topic-
Pat Arnold: Da Bears!
Superfans: Da Bears!
Bob Swerski: Now when we were last privileged to observe Da Bears, they were playing the Giants in the Postseason. The final score of that game was thirty-one to three, and I shant say who won. Pat, what happened?
Pat Arnold: I think its pretty obvious Coach Ditka had his mind on more important things.
Carl Wollarski: There was a war on, my friend.
Todd O’Conner: Thats right, our boyssss were overseassss.
Pat Arnold: Yeah. Ditka was probably too busy helping Schwarzkopf.
Todd O’Conner: Yeah, like that Hail Mary. Tell me that didn’t have Ditka’s name ALL OVER IT!
Bob Swerski: Mmm..Hmm. Absolutley. Absolutley. (A waitress comes holding a tray of nachos and beers)
Waitress: Did you guys order the uhhh..nachos or the beers?
Superfans: Da beers!
Pat Arnold: You know gentlemen, I may not even watch the basketball game today.
Bob Swerski: Yeah?
Pat Arnold: I may turn my attention to the Indianapolis 500.
Bob Swerski: Well, at least the outcome of that is in question. Who do you gentlemen like in a race? Now the favorites are Rick Mears, A.J. Foyt, and Gary Bettenhousen.
Pat Arnold: I like Mears.
Carl Wollarski: Mears.
Todd O’Conner: MEARS!
Superfans: Rick Mears!
Bob Swerski: Now what if Da Bears were to enter the Indianapolis 500? Uhhh, what would you predict would be the outcome, huh?
Todd O’Conner: How would they compete?
Bob Swerski: Well, let’s say they rode together in a big bus.
Carl Wollarski: Is Ditka driving?
Bob Swerski: Of course.
Carl Wollarski: Then I like Da Bears!
Bob Swerski: Sure.
Todd O’Conner: Yeah, I gotta go with Da Bear Bus!
Superfans: Da Bear Bus!
Carl Wollarski: Bus full of Bears!
Pat Arnold: See, I don’t know, you know, I may still have to go with Mears, you know? But you guys figure it out.
Bob Swerski: That’s all right Pat. There are no easy questions in this life my friend. Except for one, that of couse being the triumphant party at next year’s Super Bowl.
Pat Arnold: I know of whom you speak.
Bob Swerski: Let’s just say that the winner shall be a certain team, from a certain Mid-western town, that starts with a “C”, ends with an “O”, and in the middle is “HICAG”. (The Superfans raise their beer mugs in agreement)
Todd O’Conner: (Reading a newspaper) Ya know, believe it or not Bob, according to the odds-makers, San Fransisco is favored to win the Super Bowl.
Bob Swerski: San Fransisco huh? Well, you know whO’s gonna be happy about that then. Da queers!
Superfans: Da queers!
Bob Swerski: Well, we’ll see ya’ next week. Now what if Da Bears had entered The Preakness?
[Sign reads Tonite Only: The Shindells, as music plays to shoo-wop, men start singing]
Danny: You were the only one, who could make me cry
Singer 1: You were the first one to tell me goodbye
Dave: Now I sit here like a fool
Singer 2: Pretending that its cool
All: You left me for a low standard man
Danny: Baby oh baby, you broke my heart in two
Singer 3: Now I just site here and dream of you
Dave: Every tear drop I cry
Singer 2: Reminds me that you lied
All: When you left me for a low standard man
Danny: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Dave: [pauses to think out loud, not in tune] Baby you hurt me real bad when you told me you wont be coming home no more.
All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Dave: [still not in tune] I remember all the nights I cried alone, but did you hear the tear drop song?
All: Tear drop song
All except Dave: Shoo-wop
Dave: [not in tune] No mama you were too busy hangin out with that guy at Jodys barbeque, you know who Im talking about, uh Ted something
All: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Dave: [not in tune] It started with an A, and I wanna say Amberson but I know thats not it, uh Atkins?
All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Dave: [not in tune] No, Atkinson alright baby Im drawing a blank, but he has this big overbite-
All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Dave: [not in tune] Remember? Anyway you said you were just gonna go look at his car for 5 minutes. Two hours later you came back with your hair all messed up-
All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Dave: [Not in tune] Your dress all backwards, I mean you played me like a fool.
Danny: [not in tune] Listen Dave, no offense but arent you really as much to blame-
Singers 1, 2, 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Danny: [quickly says Shoo-wop shoo-wop, realizing he missed it] I mean uh, forget it, forget it, forget it, sorry.
Dave: No no tell me, what were you gonna say?
Singers 1, 2, 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Danny: [quickly says Shoo-wop shoo-wop] Well this is really getting to be a pattern with you man. I mean you go out with these girls who treat you like dirt, you remember Francine?
Singers 1, 2, 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Singer 1: Oh Francine, now she was a total psycho- Shoo-wop
All: Total psychooooo-
Dave: Ok I admit it, I have dated some losers but what bugs me about Sherry and this Ted guy-
All except Dave: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Dave: Arkin! No thats not it. What bugs me is Danny here who all the time, sneakin around on me, never says nothing.
Danny: Well I, I-
Dave: You made me look like a horses ass, you are some friend man!
Singer 3: Hey come on guys.
All except Singer 3: Shoo-wop shoo-wop
Danny: Come on stay out of this you fat slob!
All except Singer 3: Fat slooooob
Singer 3: Theres no reason to bring my weight into this, you know I have a problem.
Danny: Your problem is you eat like a fat pig.
All except Singer 3: You fat slob
Singer 2: Come on guys, come on now, were talking about Daves problem with Sherry right?
Singer 3: Yeah and the guy with the overbite- shoo-wop
All: Ted Ackersooooon
Dave: Ackerson thats it! [hits himself in the head; dialogue begins]
Singer 1: Hey she was with a bunch of guys, man.
Dave: Why didnt you tell me you fat pig?
Singer 3: Hey youre just as fat as me man! [dialogue ends]
All except Singer 3: Maybe faaaatter
Danny: Hey you know the point is everybody knew, man.
Jingle: A lot of people say, “What’s that?” It’s Pat! A lot of people ask, “Who’s he? Or she?” A ma’am or a sir, accept him or her or whatever it might be. It’s time for androgyny. Here comes Pat!
[ open on Pat sitting in a barber’s chair ]
Barber: So, uh.. what can we do for you today, huh?
Pat: I’m going to a party tonight, and I want to look my best![ laughs uncomfortably ]
Barber: Okay.. do you want to change your look a lot, or maybe just have, you know, a trim?
Pat: I’m in your hands! Work your magic! [ laughsuncomfortably ]
Barber: [ greatly confused by the sexless appearance of the character in front of him ] You know, I don’t usually ask this.. but why don’t you tell me what you’re going to wear tonight, and that might help me out.
Pat: It’s a formal event.
Barber: Ah.. So, I guess that means you’ll be wearing..?
Pat: Black. All black.
Barber: Okay.. fine.. I’ll just give you a trim, then..
Pat: Fine.
Barber: [ still not sure what to do ] Listen.. uh.. while I’mcutting your hair, would you like some magazines to read? Perhaps Sports Illustrated? [ Pat groans ] I have Glamour!
Pat: Oh, what about People?
Barber: [ hands the magazine to it ] Alright, here you go.. [ starts to trim Pat’s hair ] Okay.. will you be taking someone special to the party tonight?
Pat: Cary. And Frances and Robin, a group of us are going. Barber: I see.. Well, then, of course, this would be a night out for the..?
Pat: Co-workers. [ laughs uncomfortably ]
Barber: Hmm.. You have a nice head of hair here.. No, no hairloss here at all, huh?
Pat: That’s good. Both my parents had a full head of hair.
Barber: Yeah… [ laughs ] You know, the baldness gene is recessive, and uh.. carried by the female. So, now, if you had a male child, would you be certain that it would never go bald? Or would you be frightened, depending on the heredity of your spouse, that it might?
Pat: Might what?
Barber: Go bald.!
Pat: I don’t know! I just want a haircut!
Barber: Alright.. Well, okay, that’ll do it, you’re all finished. I’m sorry I got carried away there. I thought I was on to something there.. But I think we’re just about done.. [ turns the chair around to face the mirror ]
Pat: Oh, I look fabulous! I look like a million bucks! Ifeel so sexy! [ laughs uncomfortably ]
Barber: Good, good.. Tell you what, why don’t I brush you off alittle bit?
Pat: Thank you very much! I’ll look very nice for my party tonight! [ laughs uncomfortably, as the Barber brushes hair off around the breast area ] Thank you, that’s good.. [ the Barber brushes hair away from the crotch area ] Hey! That
Barber: Sorry. These little hairs tend to hide out on you..
Pat: How much do I owe you?
Barber: Well.. uh.. gee.. the price chart is right over there..[ points to a sign on the wall that reads “Haircut & Style, Men: $15, Women: $17.50” ] Those would be your various prices, for either of your various haircuts..
Pat: Alright. [ takes out some money ] Here’s a twenty.
Barber: Twenty? Okay.. so, change back from your twenty.. you’dlike some change, of course.. some change..
Pat: Alright, I know what you’re doing.
Barber: You do?
Pat: Yes. And I don’t appreciate it. [ laughs uncomfortably ]
Barber: Listen, I’m sorry.. I’ve just never been in this situation before..
Pat: You’ve never been tipped before?! I doubt that! You’revery good – you can keep the change! [ laughs uncomfortably ]
Mr. No-Depth Perception…..Kevin Nealon Wife…..Victoria Jackson Mike…..Phil Hartman Anita…..Jan Hooks Brenda…..Julia Sweeney Date…..Chris Farley
[ open in the kitchen of a new house ]
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ shouting needlessly ] Now that thefurniture’s here, this place is starting to feel more like a home!
Wife: Honey, you don’t have to yell, I’m only one foot away.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh. Sorry. Hey, let me get this trayfor you.. [ grabs tray and walks to the dining room table ]
Wife: No! No, Jerry, let me do it..!
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Nonsense. [ holds tray in front of table, and lets it drop to the floor ]
Jingle: “Is it far, far away, or just close by It all looks the same, when seen from the eye of the guy they call Mr. No-Depth Perception. He can’t explain, why to his brain it all looks like a two-dimensional plane. He’s Mr. No-Depth Perception.”
Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Dinner Party”.
[ Mr. No-Depth Perception and a friend are watching golf on television as their wives prepare the dinner ]
Mike: Wow, he’s on the green!
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Yeah, but why’s he using his putter? He’s gotta be at least 200 yards from the hole!
[ the wives enter with the dinner ]
Wife: Dinner’s on, boys! Brenda called and said that she and her date were running late, so we should start without them.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Okay, honey! Smells great!
Mike: You guys, this is a great location! Are you prettymuch moved in now?
Wife: Yeah, just about. We.. [ sees her husband trying to chew a roll that’s still 5 feet from his mouth, so she pushes it closer ] We have one more truckload that they have to deliver.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ sees Anita take out a cigarette ] Oh! Here, let me get that for you! [ takes out his lighter and holds it in front of his face instead of hers ]
Anita: Uh.. Jerry, you know what? I’ve got a lighter right here, I can do it myself, okay?
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, okay. I get it – one of those feminists! Alright!
Wife: So, Mike, Anita tells me you’ve got a new hobby?
Mike: That’s right! Skydiving.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh? I’d like to try that sometime.
Wife: Uh.. no, Jerry! No skydiving.
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, come on, don’t be a worrywart! I bet it’s a lot of fun. [ tips over the champagne bottle; Mike quickly thrusts his glass beneath the bottle, the women repeat the procedure ] You know, just ground coming up at you, pulling that rip cord at just the right time! [ finished pouring champagne, he releases the bottle onto the table – of course it crashes to the floor ]
Anita: Um.. Jerry, would you pass me a roll, please?
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Oh, sure. [ picks up a roll and flings it across the table ]
Wife: [ picks up the basket of rolls and hands it to Anita ] Here you go.
Anita: Oh, thanks. [ a car can be heard pulling up ] Hey, is that Brenda I hear pulling up?
Mr. No-Depth Perception: Probably. Let me check. [ gets up and walks to the window to see who it is, his head crashing through one of the panes ] Yeah, it looks like her.
[ Brenda and her date enter the front door ]
Brenda: Hi, everybody! This is my boyfriend, Gary.
Gary: Hi, everyone!
Wife: Hi! Sit down!
Brenda: Oh, this looks delicious!
Wife: Oh, wait, let me get another plate. [ retreats to the kitchen ]
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ looks at Brenda and her date, then turns to “whisper” to Mike ] I can’t believe Brenda’s dating this loser! You know what she’s after, right?! I bet he’s got money, or something!
Mike: [ embarrassed ] Jerry..
Mr. No-Depth Perception: What? Oh, relax! He can’t hear me way down there! [ Gary fidgets in his seat ] That Brenda’s a real looker, huh? I bet she had a boob job! You know, we had a little thing going last summer, me and her! Nice! Nice! [ a truck beeps outside ] Whoops! That must be the moving truck. I’d better get out there. [ runs outside ]
Wife: [ returns to the party with a plate for Brenda ] Alrighty,here we go. Where’d Jerry go?
Anita: Oh, he said he’d be right back. Something about a movingtruck?
Wife: [ worried ] Oh, no..!
Mr. No-Depth Perception: [ heard from outside ] Alright, come on, back it in, plenty of room! Back it in, plenty of room!
[ suddenly, the truck crashes into the front room, as everyone screams ]
Jack Handey V/O: The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
Air Date:
Public Enemy, “Bring Tha Noize”
Episodes
