Steve…..Steve Martin Diane…..Victoria Jackson Waiter…..Kevin Nealon Woman…..Jan Hooks Man…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on Steve and Diane sitting at a table in a small, intimate restaurant ]
Steve: Well, uh, thanks for joining me from the bar, Diane. I thought I was going to be eating alone tonight. It is Diane, right?
Diane: Yes.
Steve: So, uh, what do you do for fun?
Diane: Well, um.. in the last year, I’ve really gotten into gymnastics.
[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Steve: You must be in, uh, pretty good shape.
Diane: Well, actually, I was. But for the past month, I’ve been kind of sick.
[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: A month? It must have been pretty serious. Do you mind my asking what it was?Well.. just between you and me, I wasn’t really sick. I got breast implants. But.. I’m okay now!
[ close-up of face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates extra sharply ]
Diane: So, what exactly is it that you do?
Steve: I’m a lawyer.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Diane: Uh.. what kind of law?
Steve: Uh.. public defender.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Well, actually, that’s just the pro bono work I’m doing for my firm. We really represent a lot of celebrities.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Diane: Really? Like who?
Steve: Ohhh.. Frank Stallone.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Uh.. Sam Shephard.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates sharply ]
Steve: Uh.. Hume Cronym and Jessica Tandy.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates slowly ]
[ Waiter stops in front of table ]
Waiter: The wine list, sir.
Steve: Ah, thank you. Uh, excuse me. Do you accept credit cards?
Waiter: Uh, no sir. Only cash.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Uh, Diane.. do you have any cash, if I run a little short?
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Diane: Uh.. no, actually.. I’m sorry.. I don’t.
Steve: Oh, don’t worry. I can handle it. [ to Waiter ] We’ll just have half a carafe of the house wine, please.
[ close-up of Waiter’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Waiter: Very well, sir. [ he exits ]
Diane: It’s probably a good thing we’re only getting a half a carafe, because I get a little out of control when I drink. [ laughs ]
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Diane: Until I end up puking in some bus station.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Diane: Or passing out on a sofa somewhere.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
[ cut to next table, where a Man and Woman sit on a first date ]
Woman: So.. enough about me. Tell me about yourself.
Man: Well, I’m.. single.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Man: I’m a doctor.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Man: I’m Jewish.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Man: Orthadox.
[ close-up of Woman’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
[ cut back to Steve and Diane’s table ]
Diane: [ looking over the menu ] I wonder if I can just get some broiled fish. I’m on this really good diet, it’s a good sex diet.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Diane: It really works, I’ve lost about 110 pounds so far.
[ close-up of Steve’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Diane: So, where do you live?
Steve: Well, I, uh.. live with my mother.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Actually, she’s got the top floor, I’ve got the bottom three – it’s a brownstone.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Steve: In East Harlem.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: You know, it’s amazing what’s happening up there – the place is worth about five times what I paid for it.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Steve: And, it’s a good thing, too, because I can use the money to help pay Mom’s medical bills.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Of course, the doctor said she could go any day now.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
Steve: Or, she could linger on for years.
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect deflates ]
Steve: Hey, this place is too cheap – my wallet’s out in my Porsche outside. Let’s go someplace else!
[ close-up of Diane’s face, as slide whistle sound effect elevates ]
…..Dennis Miller …..Al Franken …..Victoria Jackson
Music Intro: “Should I Stay Or Should I Go”, The Clash.
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Beleagured Judge Robert Bork, in an effort to win some public sympathy, deliberately fell into an abandoned well in his back yard, trapping himself thirty feet underground. So far, no effort has been made to rescue him.
A happy ending to the Midland, Texas rescue operation which retrieved Baby Jessica from the well. Evidentally, she was wedged twenty-two feet below the surface, between three feet of solid bedrock and Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward.
A side note to that story. To squeeze through a narrow underground opening, they sent down a man who had no collarbone. How long you think this guy’s been waiting by the phone, huh?
On Wall Street yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial plummetted more than 100 points, prompting New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.
While Wall Street suffered a down week, condom stocks continued to rise. I often hear people nowadays whine about the fact they have to wear condoms when they make love. This seems to me to be a rather minor argument. I’ll tell you how I approach it. I wear two in my everyday life. When I go to make love, I take one off, I feel like a wild man! Sort of like swinging two bats in the on-deck circle.
You know, it’s really too bad about Judge Bork. Not only has he been rejected, but he already went ahead and ordered his robes.
Robert Bork’s beard has left him for a younger man – ABC “Growing Pains” star, Kirk Cameron.
Jerry Falwell stepped down last week as the Chairman of the PTL, possibly paving the way for the return of Jim Bakker. You know, I don’t trust any of these preachers. I see through these guys like used Nutragena. They say they don’t favor any particular denomination, but I think we’ve all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.
A followup note. Sen. Joe Biden this week issued what he called his final statement on accusations that he plagierized major parts of speeches from other politicians. Biden said he was, in fact, not stealing, but rather he is a channeler. Biden said, “Other people speak through me, particularly politicians.”
Now that congresswoman Pat Schroeder has dropped out of the Presidential race, she’s gone back to her old job working as Senor Wences’ fist.
Dennis Miller: This season, Weekend Update will be following the race for the White House. And who better to cover the last presidential election in the Al Franken Decade than Al Franken himself.
Al Franken: Thanks, Dennis. You know, a lot of people come up to me and say, “Al Franken, why don’t you run for President?” Well, I’d like to be President, I think I’d be a great one. Perhaps one of the greatest in our nation’s history. But I don’t want to submit myself to the intrusive scrutiny characteristic of today’s presidential politics. For example, I’d have to give up adultery. Yes, this is the year of the damaging disclosure. Of course, Gary Hart for womanizing, Joe Biden for plagierism. But every one of the remaining candidates has some sort of skeleton in his closet, some dark secret, some character flaw just waiting to be uncovered. And who better to do it than me, Al Franken. So tonight, starting alphabetically, I confront former two-term Arizona governor Bruce Babbitt.
[ cut to footage of Al’s interview with Gov. Babbitt ]
Al Franken V/O: I caught up to Gov. Babbitt on a recent stopover in New York.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Al, this campaign is about America’s future, how we can control that deficit, the importance of investing in the education of our nation’s children.
Al Franken: Uh-huh. Governor, what about the character issue?
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: What about it?
Al Franken: I’m referring to your long history of going into supermarket express lanes with more than ten items?
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: [ outraged ] Who told you that? The Dukakais campaign?
Al Franken: Well, I don’t want to reveal my sources, but.. yeah.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Look, Al, it’s a lie! It just, it just isn’t true!
Al Franken: Well, Governor, you might want to take a look at this. [ holds up tape labeled “Babbitt Express Lane” ]
[ a stunned expression appears on Gov. Babbitt’ face ]
[ cut to slide graphic, SUPER: “Babbitt Express Lane, Please Return To Dukakis Campaign” ]
[ cut to security camera footage of Gov. Babbitt trying to sneak more than ten items into the Express lane at his local supermarket ]
Cashier: Have a nice day. [ to Gov. Babbitt ] I’m sorry sir, this is the express lane. The sign says 10 items or less and you’ve got.. 14 items.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Aw, c’mon. Give me a break. The soup is 3 for a dollar. That’s one item.
Cashier: It’s still 12 items, sir.
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Aw, c’mon… give me a break… I’m running for president. I’m in a hurry.
Cashier: Next please.
[ cut back to Al and Dennis at the Update desk ]
Dennis Miller: Now, Al, how do you think this embarrassing exposure will affect the campaign?
Al Franken: Well, Dennis, it’s already had an effect. The Babbitt damage control team has been meeting around the clock, and the rest of the Dukakis staff has been forved to resign.
Dennis Miller: Now, hold on, Al. I understand from off-camera I’ve been told that Gov. Babbitt is about to make a statement. Let’s go to that, live.
[ cut to live Babbitt press conference footage ]
Gov. Bruce Babbitt: Good evening. It is time that I step up.. and admit.. that in the past I have been guilty of the injudicious use of grocery store express lanes. But I would like to point out.. that on one such occasion.. the cashier actually counted a Kellogg’s snack pack as six items.. [ holds up letter ] ..and I have here a letter from Kellogg’s referring to the snack pack as “an item”. But that’s not the point. I have.. more than once.. taken the shortcut in supermarkets.. and I apologize. Now, some say that I should withdraw from the race. But I say.. Hell no!
[ cut back to Al and Dennis at the Update desk ]
Dennis Miller: Well, Al, thank you for the report.
Al Franken: Well, thank you, Dennis. Next time, Missouri congressman Richard Gephardt: does he borrow tools and not return them? This is Al Franken saying, “This is me, Al Franken.”
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Al. Al Franken.
You know, while I realize that the Papal visit to the United States is over, we were on hiatus, and I didn’t get an opportunity to show you this. I hung on to it because I kneww you’d want to see it. Obviously, there was a rather embarrassing moment during the Pope’s tour. The Pope, it seems, walked over a subway grate. [ show “Seven Year Itch” style photo with the Pope assuming the Marilyn Monroe role ] One of those vicous updrafts, you know. Nice legs on the old guy, huh?
People Magazine’s cover story was Pat Anthony, the surrogate mother who gave birth to her own grandchildren. Her daughter Karen plans to legally adopt the triplets, which means the kids’ biological mother is now their stepmother, her husband is no lnoger their grandfather, and they won’t have to call each other “Uncle”. They also announced plans to move to Aurora, Alabama, where this sort of relationship doesn’t seem to be a problem.
Here’s a headline: “New Reagan Policy to Cut Benefits For the Aged, Blind and Disabled.” When contacted for a comment on this rather troubling headline, a spokesman for the President said, “Hey, as long as you spell the name right.”
Actress Glenn Close, following her well-received performance in “Fatal Attraction”, this week signed with MGM to play her most challenging role yet – an unborn child having an affair with a married man. The film, “Fetal Attraction”, is set for a Christmas release.
Dennis Miller: And now, with a sociological introspective on the state of women today, here is Weekend Update correspondent Victoria Jackson.
Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Dennis! [ sighs ] It seems absurd to me that, in 1987, the only women making headlines seem to be religious airheads, party girls and political strumpets. And then I just heard that Suzanne Somers is returning to prime time. These women have set back the feminist movement twenty years, and I, for one, am outraged!
Dennis Miller: [ chuckling ] Victoria, I cannot believe that you’re outraged, with your image.
Victoria Jackson: What are you saying, Dennis?
[ breaks into song ]
“Just because of the way I look Just because of what I wear. Just because of how I act And how I fix my hair. You think you can label me But don’t you dare.
‘Cause I am not a bimbo!
So I giggle when I talk So I wiggle when I walk. I got extra body fat You gonna call me bimbo just for that?
Just because my voice is high And my attitude is light It doesn’t mean that I’m not serious I read Newsweek twice last night! So why should I be The brunt of your jokes, your mockery?
When I am not a bimbo!”
[ spoken ] I know how to work a Xerox machine, and it’s really complicated. I know where the dipstick of my car is, you know when the engine is broken? I’m not stupid, I’m the opposite! Okay, I read my horoscope. But I don’t always believe in it. I may be pruciferous. I may be vacuous. But I am not a bimbo. It has a negative connotation, or something.
“I am not a bimbo!”
[ jumps on desk, removes skirt and dances for Dennis’ pleasure ]
I am not a bimbo!
So I dot my i’s with hearts And I sleep with a teddy bear. It doesn’t mean that I’m not smart I know all about the ozone layer.
You see, I am not a bimbo!
You know that the Second Law of Thermodynamics says the world is in a state of entropy?
Dennis Miller: Really?
[ music close ]
Victoria Jackson: Thank you!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria.
You know, folks, I’m not onyl the Hair Club President, I’m also a member.
While we were away this summer, Lt. Col. Oliver North testified before the Iran-Contra committee, and the transcripts of his testimony are currently available in book form and on videocassette. Some people feel that Oliver North is a hero. Well, I’m just glad the Manson trials weren’t televised.
You know, it was fifteen years ago today that Elvis.. uh.. well, I’m sure he did something. He was the King, it was the weekend.
You know, this week an Iranian ship fired machine gun rounds at an “NBC Nightly News” helicopter, just missing the news crew. A spokesman for the Iranian government apologized later in the day saying, “Hey, we’re sorry! We thought it was the ‘Today Show’ helicopter!”
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!
CPO Martin: (launching into a tirade) Why you fat dumb ignoramus, God, how I hate you! You make me want to puke with your flatulent breath and your ‘I order you to do this’ and ‘I order you to do that’. Who do you think you are, you pusilanimous bag of wheat-gold goat manure! If I had a dollar, no if I had a nickle for every time…
Captain: All, that’s enough! I meant about the voyage!
CPO Martin: Oh!
Admiral: (coming down ladder) What’s going on here?! What’s all this commotion? Come on, I want some answers!
Captain: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Admiral: Yes, go ahead.
Captain: Rot in hell, you great stinking shovel-full of dog barf! Who died and made you king, you fattuous swaining imbecile! If you had any brains in that thick troglydilic skull of yours, you’d still be a pathetic mush-pot!
(Cut to view of ship sailing. Bosun’s whistle sounds, indicating an annoucement over the 1MC.)
Loudspeaker: Now hear this. Permission to speak freely has been recinded for the remainder of the voyage. That is all.
President Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman George Bush…..Dana Carvey Robert Bork…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on interior, White Houe dining area, close-up of President Ronald Reagan ]
President Ronald Reagan: [ light chuckle ] I want to thank everyone for turning out for this old lame duck.
[ everyone laughs ]
President Ronald Reagan: You win some; you lose them. My friend, Judge Bork, knows what I mean!
[ everyone laughs ]
President Ronald Reagan: When he testified, Bob gave it everything he had. Nancy did ask that you shave the beard. [ chuckles ] But other than that, you did everything we asked – and more. I mean, Bob hung in there longer than many of us expected, or even.. wanted. [ laughs ] Bob, life goes on!
[ the attendees applaud ]
President Ronald Reagan: And when you get to be my age, a man is expected to have certain.. enthusiasms. Enthusiasms! What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is it that brings me joy?
[ various suggestions are murmured around the table: “Nancy! The children! The old movies!” ]
President Ronald Reagan: Baseball! [ holds up a bat ]
[ the attendees applaud ]
President Ronald Reagan: A man! A man stands alone at the plate! This is a time for, what? Individual achievement. Like when George Bush here leaves the country for weeks during an important confirmation process, so he can go overseas and look “presidential”. [ chuckles, squeezes Bush’s shoulder ]
George Bush: Ow! Ow, you’re hurting my arm! Ow!
President Ronald Reagan: At the plate, a man stands alone. But in the field, what? Part.. of.. a.. team!
[ murmurs ]
George Bush: Teamwork, Mr. President!
President Ronald Reagan: If a man’s team doesn’t field, what is he?
George Bush: He’s nothing, Mr. President, he’s nothing!
President Ronald Reagan: You follow me! He’s nothing. Noe, I can hit the ball the whole livelong day – Mike Schmidt, Don Mattingly, and so on.
[ attendees chuckle heartily, as Reagan looms over Bork with his bat firm in his hands ]
President Ronald Reagan: But I get nowhere unless the team wins! And when the ball’s hit to you in the big game, when it’s time for it to fall, when you boggle the ball and throw it away, and the manager wants you out of the game.. you’ve got to read the signals, and get.. off.. the diamond!
[ Reagan leans down and clubs Bork in the skull with the baseball bat ]
[ wide shot shows Bork laying across the table, a pool of blood forming beneath his face ]
George Bush: Judge Bork! Are you okay!
[ Bork pulls his head off the table, unphased by the assault ]
Judge Robert Bork: It will take more than that to make me quit! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Steve Martin: Thank you very much, welcome to the show! It’s great to be back here on “Saturday Night Live”, on television once again. Because I’ve been doing films, and, as you know, on films there’s a fine line between laughter and tears. in television, there’s a fine line between laughter and two big, fat, greasy hippos rooting in a river bottom for grub. That’s why I enjoy doing television.
It’s been a great year for me – I have to admit, I got married. I feel great about it.. “Roxanne” came out, and people seem to like it.. I have a film opening in just a month, called “Planes, Trains, & Automobiles, with John Candy, directed by john Hughes. I know what you’re saying: “Doesn’t John Hughes always work with these hip, young, with-it, good-looking actors?” Yes!
So, everything’s going great, and we have a great show. All the regulars are back – none of them were fired. And we also have a very special musical guest – Stingy. [ peers at cue card ] Sorry. That’s, uh.. Sting! Who put the “Y” on there? There’s gonna be technical problems tonight, because of the strike going on of technicians. That’s the camera operators, the cue card people.. In fact, before I came out here, the producers said to me, “Now, Steve, when you do your monologue, please stand in one place and don’t move around, whatever you do.” I said, “Wait a minute. That’s not Steve. That’s not what Steve does. That’s not what the audience wants to see.” Because, basically, I’m known for two things: my songwriting, and my dancing. So, I’m gonna do my big dance number for you, and damn with the technical problems! So here it is, I little song I wrote, called “I Bite Down Hard”. The title doesn’t really relate to the song – I just thought it was kind of romantic. Okay, let’s hit it!
[ dances in place ]
“I’m gonna love while I live I’m gonna live while I love Laugh while I live and love, be above!” [ dances stage left, out of camera view, then reappears from stage right ] “‘Cause I.. have.. got.. to.. da-a-a-ance!” [ starts to tap dance, but can only be seen doing so from the waist up ] [ can be heard tapping incredibly fast and furious ] Oh, that hurts! Hey, slow it down!
[ starts swaying back and forth, so profusely that as he leans back his feet poke up from the bottom of the screen ]
Announcer: Good evening, and welcome to “Hans & Franz”, theinformative training program for the serious weighlifter.
Hans: Hello. Let us begin by introducing ourselves. I am Hans.
Franz: And I am Franz.
Together: And we want to.. [ clap their hands ] ..pump you up!
Franz: A little bit about ourselves: We come to the States from asmall village of veightlifters in Austria.
Hans: Yeah, we hope to follow in our cousin’s footsteps, the greatestbodybuilder in the history of the vorld, maybe you’ve heard of him:
Together: Arnold Schwartzenegger!
Hans: Alright, now let’s get started. First of all, before youpump, you must warm up or else you’ll hurt your muscles. Now, listen hear:we can’t make you warm u, that’s entirely up to you!
Franz: Yeah, that’s right. And, hear me now, it’s not our job tocheck up on you, either! So, you know, if you’re not gonna do it, don’tbe jerking us around. All we want to do is..
Together: pump.. [ clap hands ] ..you up!
Franz: Okay, enough talk. Now is the time to go for the pump. Hans,will show you the proper way to lift the veight. Now, pay attention..
Hans: [ picking up the weight ] Yeah, pay attention, because we’renot working for nothing here!
Franz: Yeah. Listen to me now, and believe me later: you know, ifyou don’t think this matters, you know.. maybe we should take a belt toyour buttocks muscle until it’s all black and blue and swollen!
Hans: Alright, enough talk. All we want to do is..
Together: Pump.. [ clap hands ] ..you up!
Hans: Alright, let’s move on with the program. Now, you might askyourself, “Hans & Franz, where do you go once you pump the muscle?” Well,if you’re not a crybaby, you enter yourself into the Mr. Universecompetition.
Franz: Yeah, Hans, that’s why it’s important that you learn to poseand show off your pump. [ together, they pose and show off their pump ]You knoe, you know.. some of you might think this is fun and for sissies, sogo ahead and laugh now, but let me tell you something my friend, we’llbe the ones laughing later!
Hans: That’s right! Here me now, and believe this later: if youwant to play games with us, let me tell you now thing: “Let the games begin!”
Franz: Ya! Ya! Listen, maybe you don’t understand English. Maybethe only time you understand is when you’re pummelled and beaten with a fistfull of pumped-up muscle!
Hans: Alright, enough talk! We’re not here to cut you down, you know.We’re here to..
Together: Pump.. [ clap hands ] ..you up!
Hans: Okay, back to the program. For those of you who are veryserious about the program, you may be saying, “Hey, Hans & Franz, we can’tget enough of the program, what else can we do?”
Franz: Well, Hans, they can send away for our home video right here,you know.. [ holds up video ] It’s called “Pumping You Up”.
Hans: That’s right. It’s only $9.95. Here’s a quick look atwhat you get!
[ cut to preview of the tape, which is more of the same but with a differentcolor workout suit ]
Video Hans: Believe me now, and hear me later: it is people likeyou that are smelly trash, and are pitiful!
Video Franz: Yeah, yeah! Believe me, my friend, when a patheticloser walks into the room, they know. They know, because they cansmell him!
Video Hans: Ya! Because he smells like a..
[ cut back to the real program ]
Hans: That’s right! You just get out of our face, and haveanother bowl of Haagen-Daaz!
Franz: If you don’t work out, someone’s gonna grab you by yourjockstrap and give you the wedgie of your life!
Hans: Ya! You fat, bloody pigs, you know that!
Franz: Ya!
Hans: We don’t want you!
Franz: Ya! Get out of our face!
Hans: Ya! We don’t need you!
Franz: People like you!
Hans: That’s right..!
[ and so on, as the title appears, and the show fades to black ]
[ open on black-and-white image of Woman walking through her apartment ]
Woman’s Voiceover: He’s not worth it.. forget it..
[ she picks up his picture from a coffee table, picks up a phone and tries to call him ]
[ she slams the phone onto the receiver, revealing the man in the picture as Gary Hart – she shoves his picture, and the objects surrounding it, to the floor ]
[ she tears his poster in half, and stomps on the glass encasing his photo ]
[ Gary enters, smoking a cigarette ]
[ furious, she throws her arm out to hit him, but he blocks her and forces a kiss ]
Announcer: Gary Hart. You can’t get him out of your mind. Paid for by the Gary Hart for President Committee.
Bob Albert…..Steve Martin Les Shermeyer…..Kevin Nealon Jeanne Kirkpatrick…..Nora Dunn Tracy Pollackson…..Victoria Jackson Kyle Knopfler…..Dana Carvey
Bob Albert: Hello, and welcome to “Common Knowledge”! I’m yourhost, Bob Albert. You all know our champion Les Shermeyer, a high schoolguidance counselor. Now, let’s meet our challenger, Jeanne Kirkpatrick,former ambassador to the United Nations. Jeanne, are you ready?
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Yes, quite ready.
Bob Albert: Well, that’s good, because we’re going to start withyou. What category, Jeanne?
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Well, actually, I’ve been a professor of History,so I decided to make it interesting, and I choose Literature.
Bob Albert: Alright, Literature for $100, and the answer is: “Authorof the ‘Grapes of Wrath’.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: John Steinbeck. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Ooh, I’m sorry! Ernest Hemingway! [ approachesLes ] Les, you want to stick with Literature?
Les Shermeyer: Uh.. no, Bob, let’s go for State Capitols.
Bob Albert: State Capitols, for $100: Oklahoma.
Les Shermeyer: Oklahoma City. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Alright!
Les Shermeyer: Uh.. let’s keep going.
Bob Albert: New York State.
Les Shermeyer: New York City. [ dings ]
Bob Albert: Very good, Les!
Les Shermeyer: Let’s go again!
[ Jeanne looks on curiously ]
Bob Albert: New Jersey.
Les Shermeyer: Jersey City. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Whoa-ho! You’re on a roll!
Les Shermeyer: Let’s go again.
Bob Albert: Virigina.
Les Shermeyer: Virigina City. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: And last one. Washington.
Les Shermeyer: Washington, D.C. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: You swept through that category! And now, let’sgo on to..?
Les Shermeyer: Literature.
Bob Albert: Literature, for $200: Author of Christmas Carol.
Les Shermeyer: Ebenezer Scrooge. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Okay!
Les Shermeyer: Literature for $300, Bob!
Bob Albert: Literature for $300: Author of Huckleberry Finn.
Les Shermeyer: Tom Sawyer. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Ohh, sorry. The answer is Ernest Hemingway, sorry. [ addresses audience ] And now, let’s take a minute to explain the rulesto “Common Knowledge”. Questions for our show are show are selected byeducators from Princeton University to express a broad range of commonknowledge that every American should possess. Answers for “CommonKnowledge” are determined by a nationwide survey of 17-year-old highschool seniors. And now, back to you, Jeanne.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: [ flabbergasted ] History.
Bob Albert: Alright! History, for $100: His assassination sparkedWorld War I.
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry! The answer is Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.Les?>br> Les Shermeyer: I’m gonna stay with History, Bob, for $200.
Bob Albert: History for $200: The Louisiana Purchase was obtainedfrom this country.
Les Shermeyer: Louisiana. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Alright!
Les Shermeyer: History for $300, Bob.
Bob Albert: Alright. When he discovered America, ChristopherColumbus thought he had landed in..
Les Shermeyer: Columbia. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry. The answer is America. Back toJeanne Kirkpatrick.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Uh.. History, for $400.
Bob Albert: History, for $400: First man to land on the moon.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Neil.. uh.. John Glenn. [ ding ]
Bob Albert: Terrific, Jeanne! You’re on the board now!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: History, for $500.
Bob Albert: History, for $500: Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of..
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: Gettysburg. [ buzzer ]
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry. Jericho. The Battle of Jericho.Tough one. But, Jeanne, don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to catch up,because it’s time for our Lighning Round! Let’s bring out the 17-year-olds!Bring them out! [ one teenage sits with Jeanne, the other sits with Les ]Okay, Jeanne, you’re being teamed with Kyle Knopfler, a high school seniorfrom Troy, New York.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: How do you do, pleased to meet you.
Kyle: Hi! [ tosses his hair ]
Bob Albert: Kyle, has your high school education given you the toolsyou need to go out into the real world?
Kyle: Uh.. I.. you know.. whatever, I don’t know.. I mean.. yeah,sure.. I guess so.. [ laughs ]
Bob Albert: Terrific answer! [ approaches the opposing team ] And,Les, you’re playing with Tracy Pollackson, a high school senior from NewYork. Tracy, you were supposed to be on the show yesterday, butthere was a mix-up of some kind?
Tracy: I got on the wrong plane.
Bob Albert: Who-ho-ho-ho! Alright, let’s start our Lightning Round!Les picked Presidents. Are you and Tracy ready? Okay, go.
[ clock starts ticking ]
Tracy: [ GRANT ] “The British are coming! The British are coming!”
Les Shermeyer: Grant!
Tracy: [ WILSON ] Dennis the Menace!
Les Shermeyer: President Mitchell.
Tracy: His neighbor!
Les Shermeyer: Woodrow Wilson!
Bob Albert: Alright – Tag Team!
[ Les and Tracy trade places ]
Les Shermeyer: [ TYLER ] Tippecanoe!
Tracy: Nixon!
Les Shermeyer: Pass! [ Kennedy ] Sex!
Tracy: President Hart!
Les Shermeyer: Marilyn Monroe!
Tracy: Kenbnedy!
Bob Albert: Alright, that’s great! Very good! Now, Jeanne. Jeanne,before the show you picked the category of Historical Dates. Are you ready,Jeanne and Kyle?
Kyle: Alright, ready!
Bob Albert: Alright! Begin!
Kyle: [ 1215 ] Uh.. Civil War.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1861.
Kyle: Ci-vil War!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1861-1865!
Kyle: Uh.. pass.. [ 1787 ] Uh.. Pilgrims!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1620.
Kyle: Thanksgiving!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1621!
Kyle: Pass! [ 1929 ] Uh.. uh.. uh.. Gold Rush!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1849.
Kyle: Gold Rush!
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: 1914! 1419! 1945!
Kyle: Pass!
Bob Albert: Tag Team! Tag Team! Let’s go! [ Kyle rushes around toJeanne’s seat, while Jeanne slowly walks around ] Come on, Jeanne, come on!
Bob Albert: Oh, sorry, Jeanne. You only got one right.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: [ peeved ] May I say something, please? Thisprogram is an outrage! This program just doesn’t do justice to the educationalsystem, which upholds the fragile civilization of our country together! Bob Albert: Oh well, sor-ry Je-anne! Les is still our champion, butyou’ll be going home with $400 and a year’s subscription to TV Guide!TV Guide, the most widely-read publication in the world.
Jeanne Kirkpatrick: In the United States.
Bob Albert: Oh, whatever you say! Well, anyway, that’s”Common Knowledge”. And remember: It’s not what you know, but what youthink you know! Good night, everyone!
M…..Jon Lovitz Miss Moneypenny…..Nora Dunn James Bond…..Steve Martin Date…..Jan Hooks Waiter…..Phil Hartman Dealer…..Vicotia Jackson Goldsting…..Sting
[ open on M sitting at his desk ]
M: [ presses buzzer ] Miss Moneypenny, will you come in here, please?
[ Miss moneypenny enters M’s office ]
Miss Moneypenny: Something wrong?
M: Have you seen these bills from 007’s last assignment? 12,000 pounds for hotel suites, six trips on the Concorde, eight cases of Tattinger’s champagne. Who the devil does he think he is?!
Miss Moneypenny: Sir, that was a very dangerous mission. Bond pulled it off beautifully.
M: [ stands ] I know that! Now, perhaps if you can set aside your schoolgirl crush for one moment, perhaps you can tell me why a Balanese backwalking session is being charged to the British government.
Miss Moneypenny: It was in the line of duty. The woman tried to electrocute him.
M: Or so he claims. He’s abusing the expense vouchers to support his sybaritic lifestyle, and I won’t stand for it! Where is 007?
Miss Moneypenny: Didn’t you know? He’s on holiday. In the Bahamas.
M: What?! Out spending more on England’s money again!
Miss Moneypenny: No, sir. I made it quite clear to him that his holiday expenses were strictly his own. He undertands that.
M: Yes, but why this week? He knew I had a mission for him.
Miss Moneypenny: Well, sir, he flew the Super Saver. The ticket was only good for this week.
M: [ taken by surprise ] What?
Miss Moneypenny: Well, his frequent flier discount is about to expire.
M: I don’t believe it!
Miss Moneypenny: Frankly, sir, when it’s his own money, Commander Bond can be a bit.. well, I don’t want to say miserly, but.. it’s the Scottish thing. Very tight with the dollar.
M: 007?
Miss Moneypenny: Oh, yes. It’s a side of him we seldom see.
[ dissolve to opening James Bond movie graphics of somersaulting silhoettes of beautiful women ]
[ circle dances across screen, as James Bond enters shooting his gun in comic fashion. He looks down and spots a coin, which he immediately bends down to pick up and show off to the camera. ]
[ TITLE: “Bullets Aren’t Cheap” ]
[ dissolve to Bond on holiday in the Bahamas, as he enters a casino ]
Date: James, darling, I want you to relax. You’re on holiday now.
James Bond: Alright, darling.
[ Waiter passes by ]
Waiter: Would you care for a drink, Madam?
Date: Oh..! [ Bond clenches his teeth in horror ] N-no.. no, thank you.
Waiter: Sir?
James Bond: Yes, I’ll have a Vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred.
Waiter: Right away, sir.
James Bond: Uh.. how much is that?
Waiter: $4.25.
James Bond: Oooh. Ouch! Uh.. what if I use the house brand?
Waiter: It’s the same price, sir.
James Bond: Oh. Well, uh.. what kind of beer do you have?
Waiter: Heineken, Beck’s, Amstel Light, Corona..
James Bond: Ah! A Corona! I’ll have a Corona! Shaken, not stirred. Exactly 42 degrees Fahreinheit.
Waiter: $2.75.
James Bond: Boy.. I told you we should have come at Happy Hour.
[ Goldsting enters the casino, eyepatch over one eye and stroking a bunny rabbit ]
Goldsting: Gregory.. tonight, Mr. Bond’s drinks will be.. complimentary.
[ music sting ]
James Bond: Goldsting!
Goldsting: So, Mr. Bond, we meet again.
James Bond: So this is your game now, peddling alcohol to the highest bidder.
Goldsting: I’m a businessman, Mr. Bond. Do you play baccarat?
James Bond: Yes. [ Goldsting eyes him down ] Oh, now? Now. Sure.
[ they sit at the table ]
Goldsting: Deal Mr. Bond a hand, would you, Victoria?
Date: James, be careful. Goldsting does not like to lose.
James Bond: Oh, like I do? [ reaches for a single note ] Alright. I’ll bet.. mmm.. one pound.
Dealer: I’m sorry, but the minimum bet at this table is ten pounds.
James Bond: Then you will not accept my wager?
[ Goldsting removes the full bid from the inside of his rabbit ]
James Bond: [ sighs ]
Dealer: [ checks cards ] Player wins. Natural Nines.
James Bond: [ sips his beer ] Well, Goldsting.. it appears that you’ve been stung.
Goldsting: You forget, Mr. Bond. The honeybee stings only once, and then he dies.
James Bond: Yes. But the scorpion can sting many times and live to tell the tale.
Goldsting: But you forget, Mr. Bond, the scorpion can be crushed under foot.
James Bond: Ye-es.. [ nods head in agreement ]
Goldsting: [ aggravated ] Oh, get out!
James Bond: [ to Date ] Let’s go, darling.
Goldsting: Uh, Mr. Bond. Your accent, something about it puzzles me. I can’t quite place it.
James Bond: Well, I can’t quite place yours, either, Goldsting.
Goldsting: That’s because mine is English.
James Bond: Oh, really? Well. [ reaches into a bowl of pretzels ] Complimentary pretzels, darling?
[ music sting, as Goldsting pulls Bond’s hand out of the pretzel bowl ]
Goldsting: The pretzels are no longer complimentary, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: [ drops the pretzels on the table ] Ah! It seems I remember a convenience store around the corner where the pretzels are on sale.
[ Goldsting dusts off his rabbit as the scene dissolves to monorails ]
[ dissolve to interior, Bond’s car, as he presents his date with a gift chain ]
Date: Oh, James.. I love pewter.
James Bond: [ chuckles heartily ] Well, I can’t have you running around naked, off where we’re going. Although some people do in.. Orlando.
Date: Darling, I know I’m going to love Epcot!
James Bond: [ chuckles ] Drink your champagne, darling.
Date: [ hands Bond her glass of champagne ] I don’t need this. I need you. Don’t tease me, James. Don’t torture me! [ sits on the bed ] You know what I want! Come to bed, darling! I’m mad about you, mad! Mad, mad, mad, mad! Oh, James, darling!
[ Bond follows onto the bed ]
[ close-up on the champagne bottle, as Bond’s arms extedns to pour the champagne from the glass back into the bottle, then corks it up to keep it fresh ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 17th, 1987 Steve Martin Sting None Bruce Babbitt Cheryl Hardwick The UntouchablesSummary: Because he’s said too much, President Ronald Reagan (Phil Hartman) clubs Robert Bork (Jon Lovitz) in the head. Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, George Bush, Robert Bork. Transcript
MontageNote: Studio 8-H was evacuated just before dress rehearsal because there was a fire in a nearby studio. Even though they were unable to perform a dress rehearsal, Steve Martin was insistent with going ahead with the live show.
Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin doesn’t let a technician strike mar the effect of his tap dance sequence to the song “I Bite Down Hard,” even though it would be more significant if someone were operating the cameras. First Hosted: 76e. Transcript
Gary Hart AdSummary: Gary Hart’s effect on women makes him too hard for them to get him out of their mind. Transcript
Common KnowledgeSummary: High schoolers’ stupidity determines answers to common knowledge trivia questions. Recurring Characters: Jeanne kirkpatrick. Transcript
The NFL TodaySummary: Brent Musberger (Kevin Nealon) questions Jimmy the Greek’s (Phil Hartman) sports predictions. Recurring Characters: Brent Musberger, Jimmy the Greek, George Plimpton.
Slide Whistle Sound EffectsSummary: The sounds of slide whistles reveal a couple’s (Martin, Victoria Jackson) dating expectations. Transcript
Sting performs “We’ll Be Together”Bio: Sting (1951-). Musician; realname: Gordon Sumner; former lead singer/bass player for The Police, 1978-83; released his first solo album in 1985; film appearances include “Dune” (1984); human rights activist; married actress Trudie Styler (his secodn wife) in 1992. Hosted: 90k, 96o. Also Performed: 90k, 92n, 95n, 96o, 99f.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken interviews Bruce Babbitt about his abuse of supermarket express lanes. Via song, Victoria Jackson says to the world: “I Am Not A Bimbo!” Transcript
Bullets Aren’t CheapSummary: A penny-pinching James Bond (Steve Martin) faces his nemesis, Goldsting (Sting). Recurring Characters: James Bond. Transcript
Permission To Speak FreelySummary: Naval officers (Steve Martin, Jon Lovitz) abuse their Permission to Speak Freely by-law privileges. Note: Steve Martin accidentally spits on Jon Lovitz while yelling at him. Transcript
Sting performs “Little Wing”
Adventures In The Lost RealmSummary: An expedition team waits for a dinosaur to finish eating their companion (Jon Lovitz).
Pumping Up with Hans & FranzSummary: Narcissistic bodybuilders, Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon), insult their fitness viewers. Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz. Transcript
Air Date: