SummaryAfter three seasons of unstable casting decisions, returning Producer Lorne Michaels has finally brought the stride back to “Saturday Night Live”. Only three members of his 1985 cast were considered funny and popular enough to bring back for the next season, and 1986’s cast hit such a high-note with viewers that Lorne brought them all back for this season – including an upgrade for featured player Kevin “Mr. Subliminal” Nealon. Although no episode left viewers disappointed, the season did come to an early end due to a writer’s strike. Any other great comedy that was to surface would have to wait until the following season. The biggest disappoint of all was the news that original cast member Gilda Radner had agreed to host by season’s end, but now, because of the writer’s strike, was unable to. By the strike’s end, and the next season’s premiere, Radner had to cancel her engagement when she developed the early signs of cancer.
…..Dennis Miller …..Al Franken …..Victoria Jackson
Music Intro: “Born To Run”, Bruce Springsteen.
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
It was reported this week that a new Boeing 747 was being readied for the president as the next Air Force One. It will arrive in Wichita this month for a year of modification and finishing work. Among the expected modifications will the installation of a new seat belt that even the president himself will be able to operate.
Since he’s been in the White House, President Reagan has gotten two hearing aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, prostate surgery, and he’ss been shot. And we the American people should always remember these things – because he won’t.
In response to the voluminous avalance of mail I received last week, asking why we didn’t actually show a picture of Nancy Reagan as the Riddler – here you are, folks!
Roman Catholic bishops this week said that Pope John Paul II will use TransWorld Airlines for his U.S. visit in September. When you hit your knees tonight, I would ask all of you to pray that the person sitting behind the Pope has already seen the movie.
Among the Jim and Tammy Bakker extravagances revealed this week, was this air-conditioned doghouse, now valued at $5,000. Asked why he would air-condition a doghouse, Bakker said, “Because the dogs kept biting the Jews and Mormons we hired to fan them.”
The Washington Post reported yesterday that Jim Bakker had been seen in the PTL steam room frolicking nude with three other men, and that a neglected Tammy Faye had had her breasts enlarged, hoping for a Marilyn Monroe image. The collective Bakker history should inspire us all to become true believers in a Supreme Higher Power that made sure, out of the five billion people in this world, these two creeps found each other.
Dennis Miller: The Iran-Contra Hearings this week concluded tsestimony by several witnesses, all of whom continued to incriminate Lt. Col. Oliver North. Here to respond to this testimony, is Col. North’s attorney, Mr. Thomas Flanagan, Esq.
Tommy Flanagan: Hello. I’m Tommy Flanagan. And I’m here to tell you that my client, Oliver North, is completely innocent. You know how I know? Because it was.. it was me! Yeah, that’s the tic-.. uh.. isn’t that special! [ smiles ]
See, I was working for the CIA with my wife, Morgan Fairchild.. whom I’ve slept with. And we were spies. Yeah! She was on the cover, and I was under-.. water! Yeah, that’s it! I was disguised as a fish in the Hudson River! Yeah! And I was about to bite into a worm when I was caught. Yeah! And they dsold me to the Russian Tea Room, where I was filleted and eaten. And the next thing you know, I was.. I was back in the Hudson! [ shifts eyes ]
So I got on a jet, and I flew to Switzerland with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve slept with. And we were gonna hide.. deposit the money, when my plane crashed in the Himalyas. Yeah, that’s it! And to stay alive, we ate the survivors. ‘Cause the dead ones were rotten! Yeah! So there I was, fighting over the tall co-pilot, with my wife, Morgan Fairchild – whom I’ve seen naked! When suddenly, the co-pilot woke up, and he kicked me in the head, and I blacked out! And the next thing you know –
Dennis Miller: Wait a minute, Tommy. What does this have to do with Col. North?
Uh…n-n-nothing! You see, that’s my point! He had nothing to do with it! Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Dennis Miller: Tommy Flanagan. Thanks, Tom.
In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French judge and jury, accused Nazi war crimial Klaus Barbie told a stunned courtroom in Leone this week that his favorite movie has always been “The Nutty Professor”.
Sixty years ago this week, Charles Lindbergh made the historic first transatlantic solo flight in The Spirit of St. Louis, thereby paving the way for those cretins to lose my luggage.
[ to picture of “Ernest Goes To Camp” poster ] Well, this thing came out this week. What in the hell is wrong with mankind?
Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers cancellation, ABC has cancelled “Our World”, which featured Linda Ellerbee. The two unemployed women plan to get together and open a chain of charm schools in Libya.
Donna Rice, of the recent Gary Hart scandal, was dropped from Proctor & Gamble’s commercial for Foldger’s Coffee. This decision really surprises me, folks, because she would seem to be an ideal spokesperson for a coffee company – I mean, it’s obvious she’s good at keeping people up all night.
This is Ellen Stolz, 23, a paraplegic student from California, who it was announced will appear in an eight-page layout in the July issue of Playboy Magazine. Defending his action, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner said, “While Ellen is paralyzed from the neck down, many of the young women who have appeared in our centerfolds in the last thirty years were paralyzed from the neck up. Trust me, I know. I’ve hit on them all.”
A manuscript of a Mozart symphony sold yesterday at Sotheby’s in London for $4.4 million, the highest price ever paid for a music manuscript. The lowest price ever recorded for a music manuscript was last January, when somebody bought the original manuscript of Lionel Richie’s “Ballerina Girl” for a buck-seventy-five.
The Vandasolay people came out with a new product this week – Vandasolay #45. When applied to the skin, it destroys the sun, and, consequently, the solar system as we know it.
This week, the United States Patent Office officially changed the name of the TV remote channel changer. From here on in, it’ll be referred to as a chh-chh!
Dennis Miller: Here one last time for the season, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture. Hello, Whitney.
A. Whitney Brown: Dennis. Thank you. As always, at this time of year, I’d like to address a few remarks to the latest blooming flower of our educational system, the Class of 1987. Unfortunately, a full 16% of you out there will be functionally illiterate. I’m afraid you’ll have a hard road to hold in the job market. After all, there are only so many staff positions at USA Today.
But, in many ways, you’re wiser than my own generation. We wanted to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. God, what a bunch of simps we were. My advice to you is, just try and make the world a little bit better place, for those who can afford it. And, of course, you have to stand up for what you believe in, even though you could be wrong. Because there are two sides to every issue. Then again, sometimes there isn’t. So, you have to keep an open mind. That is, unless you’re right. And even then, you never know. Unless you’re sure. In which case, it’s probably not worth sticking your neck out.
[ Whitney takes out a series of ping-pong balls ]
Perhaps a visual aid would help. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “World” ] The world is a complex place. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Gene Poll” ] On one hand, you have commitments to your family. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “$” ] Which is not always consistent with your professional goals. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “Patriotism” ] Which, as we’ve seen, often run counter to the interests of the country as a whole. [ holds out ping-pong ball marked “The Big One” ] And hanging over everything, the constant threat of nuclear annilhation. [ collects ping-pong balls between his hands and stands ] Well, you have to keep all these things going at the same time, and, believe me, it won’t be easy. [ juggles the ping-pong balls to perfection, only dropping one of them towards the end ] Thank God it wasn’t career!
That, my friends, is The Big Picture.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Now, did you do the elaborate lettering on those balls yourself?
You know, Snow White turned 50 this week. When asked if this was a happy time in her life, she said, “Oh, yeah, my life’s been great. I’ve been stuck in a house for the last thirty years with seven midgets, not one of whom is named Horny.”
Dennis Miller: You know, since this is the end of our season, and we won’t see each other for a while, I’d like something to remember you all by. [ pulls out a Polaroid camera ] So, if everybody at homecould just get around your TV sets.. Come on, everybody. Say “government surplus cheese.” [ snaps the picture, as the Polaroid image pops out ] I’ll keep this close always.
Now, guess what, folks? I’m gonna go grow my hair for a few months, so thanks for a nice year, ’cause that’s the season, and I am out of here!
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: May 23rd, 1987 Dennis Hopper Roy Orbison None
Roy Orbison, “Crying”
Easy Rider Wyatt (Dana Carvey) and Billy (Hopper) survived their southern shooting.
Dennis Hopper’s Monologue Hopper says it’s great to be clean and sober.
Church Chat Hopper and Church Lady (Dana Carvey) discuss wilder days. Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Jenny Baker.
Roy Orbison performs “Crying” and “Pretty Woman”
Frank Booth’s What’s That Smell? Contestants must inhale odors and guess the correct smell. Recurring Characters: Robin Leach, Tammy Faye Bakker.
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) lies about client Oliver North’s innocence. A. Whitney Brown demonstrates juggling act for the Class of ’87. Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.
Problem Drinkers From Outer Space Drunken aliens (Hopper, Phil Hartman) give press conference on Earth.
This Week with David Brinkley Sam Donaldson (Kevin Nealon) distracts panel discussion by leaning back in chair. Recurring Characters: David Brinkley, George Will, Sam Donaldson.
Cannibal Job Interview Cannibalism questions are raised during Hal McGowan’s (Hopper) job interview.
Roy Orbison performs “In Dreams”
Last Chance Gas Station Small town car mechanic (Hopper) argues with businessman (Phil Hartman).
Sweeney Sisters Liz (Nora Dunn) and Candy Sweeney (Jan Hooks) sing “goodbye” medley. Recurring Characters: Liz Sweeney, Candy Sweeney.
Anouncer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Gary and Lee Hart have announced that, in an effort to reaffirm their love for each other, they will take their marriage vows again and recreate their wedding ceremony. The event will take place in a small chapel just outside of Denver, and Lee said, “We will try to recreate the wedding as faithfully as we can, but we’ll probably skip the rice thing.”
You know, in retrospect, it’s a shame Gary Hart had to drop out of the campaign, because, while I never saw it before, for a while there last week, he really did remind me of Jack Kennedy.
You know, this might seem like a strange coincidence, but we did find this classifed ad in the Miami Herald personal section this week: “Single 28 yr old-Phi Beta Kappa blonde actress/model. Seeks horny famous man. Smokers and Democrats need not apply.”
Yesterday, reporters were taken on a tour of the Presidential Suite at the PTL’s Heritage Grand Hotel, used by former PTL Chairman Jim Bakker and his wife Tammy Fae. It’s a lavish layout with antique furniture, crystal chandeliers, gold plumbing fixtures, fifty-foot closets, and other regal trappings. Gee.. imagine what God’s place must look like.
You know, it was revealed this week that $92 million in funds are missing from the PTL’s coffers. Boy, these people are really gonna have to face the music some day, because, of all the sins in the universe, I gotta think skimming from God is right up there with the worst of them, huh?
In the privacy of an airborne Air Force One yesterday, President Reagan held a secret meeting with the ghost of former CIA director William Casey, where he listened intently as Casey detailed plans for bugging God’s office.
Yesterday, Fawn Hall was accused of sneaking classified documents out of the White House by hiding them in her underwear. However, Fawn is in the clear, since Oliver North was wearing her underwear at the time.
New York City is backing an ad campaign geared to warning heterosexual women about therisk of AIDS. This is one of the posters. She says, “I hope he doesn’t have AIDS.” and he says, “I hope she doesn’t have AIDS.” And it’s captioned, “You can’t live on hope.” To broaden the base of the appeal, a plan is under way to use nationally syndicated cartoon characters. Here’s a panel from a Nancy cartoon, in which Sluggo is thinking, “I hope she doesn’t have AIDS.” and Nancy is caught thinking, “I hope he doesn’t have a penis.”
You know, Weekend Update asked 100 doctors, if they were stranded on a desert island what pain reliever they would like to have handy, and 4 out of 5 doctors said they’d choose whatever McFarlane was on at the hearings.
Disneyland now has its own currency, Disney dollars, signed by Scrooge McDuck and usable as legal tender. However, there was panic in Anaheim this week when 10 million Disney dollars mysteriously disappeared. Fears were soon calmed, though, when it was learned the money had been misplaced by Goofy, the Magic Kingdom CPA.
Following the appearance of such figures as Woody Allen and Ginger Rogers, at Congressional hearings on movie colorizing, representative Richard Gephardt, Missouri Democrat and presidential hopeful, said he would introduce legislation aimed at ending the colorizing of motion picture classics. Those in the political arena are amazed that Gephardt would spearhead this effort, since he is the one entity in the universe impervious to colorization.
Dennis Miller: And now, with an editorial on the colorization of black and white movies, here is special Weekend Update guest commentator Jimmy Stewart. Nice to see you, Jimmy!
Jimmy Stewart: It’s good to see you, too, Jimmy. It’s good to see you. You look fine! Alright.
Well, let me get on with what I want to say here. Now, now, folks, I know you’ve been hearing a lot about this thing they call.. colorization. Now.. yeah, that’s what they call it. Now, if-if-if you don’t know what it is, it-it-it’s where they take a black and white movie – wh-which is perfectly fine the way it is – and, wi-wi-with a computer, a guy presses dommbie-doombie-doombie, and then the damn thing’s in color all of a sudden! Doombie-doombie, right to color.
Now, the cinematographers on-on-on these pictures, they’re artists! And-and-and their work’s being sabotaged by a bnch of high-tech bushwhackers, if you ask my, my opinion on th-this whole thing here. B-b-but who are these people? I mean, what else are they gonna do? Are they gonna take the Mona Lisa and paint a bigger smile on the gal? “Th-th-there you go, Mona, you’re happier now!” Yeah.
Wh-wh-what else are they gonna do? Are they gonna go over to Egypt and chop the top off of a pyramid and put a condo up there? “L-l-look, honey, from the bedroom, you can see the Nile!” And, like that.
You know, I-I-I mean, th-th-these people, they-they just make me so mad, you know? I mean, some things are just better left the way they are, if you aks me! These little punks, they just, they make my skin crawl! If-if-if I saw one of those punks trying to doombie-doombie to my movie, I-I-I.. well, I’d kick his ass! Now, just stop messing with my movies, that’s all I’m saying! Just leave them the way they are, they’re not meant to change! There’s no reason why you have to –
Dennis Miller: Take it easy, Jimmy.
Jimmy Stewart: I’m sorry Dennis, it’s just that I’m mighty peeved. And, no offense to you, you know we’re very good friends, but don’t push me, Miller, don’t push me! You know, why don’t you just get a haircut? It’s a little long, let me tell you. You might want to trim it there, b-b-but I’m sorry I got a little upset.
Dennis Miller: No, I’m with you. Alright. Jimmy Stewart, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Jimmy.The Census Department calculates that there are now five billion people on earth, and the number is expected to double by the year 2022 to ten billion people. The department also cautioned that the number of truly interesting people in the world will remain at thirty-eight.
The Bernard Goetz Legal Defense Fund Committee is soliciting five dollar contributions. If a Goetz fundraiser asks you for a donation, just hand it over and get the hell out of there.
Is it just me, or wouldn’t you like to just once see Nancy Reagan dressed up in Frank Gorshwin’s old Riddler costume?
And yesterday, the White House announced it will sell a half-billion dollars worth of F-15 fighter planes to Saudi Arabia, which prompted Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.
Dennis Miller: Hey, guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!
Marge Keister…..Jan Hooks Doug Clipper…..Garry Shandling Mr. Dingle…..Phil Hartman
[ zoom in on Marge Keister working the counter at department store ]
Marge Keister: Thank you for shopping at Bamburger’s, where a satisfied customer is our only goal! Thank you! Bye bye! [ giggles ]
[ audience applauds wildly as Garry steps out of elevator and smiles acknowedgingly before approaching the counter ]
Marge Keister: May I help you?
Doug Clipper: Oh, yes. Hi. I’m Doug Clipper. And I’d like to return this sweater.
Marge Keister: Okay, fine. Do you have a receipt?
[ Garry flashes a knowing smile at the audience, stifling his need to laugh ]
Doug Clipper: [ laughs anyway ] No. No, I don’t!
Marge Keister: Well, now, I’m sorry, Mr. Clipper. No receipt, no refund. It says it right here. [ points to sign in front of the cash register ]
Garry Shandling: God, is she great, or what? It’s just like being in as department store. Good job, Jan! Jan Hooks, ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!
[ audience applauds wildly, embarrassing Jan who’s trying to remain in character ]
Marge Keister: Um.. wouldn’t you like to see the manager, Mr. Clipper?
Garry Shandling: [ stone-faced at first ] Oh, right, the manager. [ getting back into character ] Oh, sure.. right.. the manager. [ turns to the audience ] I remember, I first met Jan in Los Angeles, even before she got “Saturday Night Live”. I met her at a party at Kevin Nealon’s house. He’s one of the cast members, he’s gonna be on a little later. I can’t wait to work with him, because he’s a good friend –
[ Jan sticks to her character ]
Marge Keister: Well, then, if you insist, I will call the manager! Mr. Dingle to Register 5! Mr. Dingle to Register 5!
Garry Shandling: Mr. Dingle! What a classic comedy name! Not as good as Shandling, of course.
[ Phil Hartman enters as a store manager, closely resembling .. from “The Jack Benny Show” ]
Mr. Dingle: YE-E-E-E-ESSSS??!!! What seems to be the problem?!
Garry Shandling: [ excited, to the audience ] Is this great casting, or what? Really. Good job, Phil, how’s it going?
Mr. Dingle: [ sticking to his character ] I said, what seems to be the problem?!
Doug Clipper: Oh.. uh.. well.. I have this sweater I’d like to return.
Marge Keister: But, but, but.. he doesn’t have the receipt.
Mr. Dingle: I see! Well, is there something wro-o-o-o-onggg with it?!
Doug Clipper: [ chuckles ] That’s great! Well, as a matter of fact.. it’s too small! [ holds up tiny sweater, laughing ]
Mr. Dingle: Oh, really?! Miss Keister, you don’t suppose Mr. Clipper here is trying to pull the woo-oo-ooll over your eyes?! [ laughs ] Did I make a pun?
Marge Keister: [ giggling ] I believe you did, Mr. Dingle!
Mr. Dingle: We’re sorry, Mr. Clipper, but we simply cannot give you a refund on that sweater!
Garry Shandling: [ to audience ] Ohhh.. they’re not going to take it back. [ audience sympathizes ] I make a great victim, don’t I? You know –
Mr. Dingle: Mr. Clipper! Mr. Clipper!
Marge Keister: Would you like to purchase another sweater, Mr. Clipper?
Mr. Dingle: Or try on some teeny pa-a-a-a-anttsss?!
Garry Shandling: Oh.. oh, right.. sure, Phil.. Jan.. hold on a second. [ walks away from the counter to address the audience ] You know what I hate most about sweaters? People who tie them around their shoulders! I hate those people! They think it looks cool. It looks like they can’t dress themselves! It looks like they’re home, going, “Honey, I can’t get this on.. maybe I’ll just tie it on, nobody will notice.” I always wonder if they have their socks tied around their ankles. Men don’t know how to dress. They should put expiration dates on clothing, so we know when they go out of style. God.. thanks. I love doing sketch comedy, this is great, isn’t it? I think it’s the give and take that’s so special. [ turns back to Phil and Jan ] Thanks, guys! Is this..? It was a great sketch.
Mr. Dingle: Well, thank you for shopping at Bamburger’sssss!!
Jan Hooks: [ removes her wig and glasses ] Give it up, Phil! Forget it!
Phil Hartman: [ groans ]
Jan Hooks: Thanks a lot, Gary! [ trns to exit with Phil ] We have to work the rest of the show with this guy!
[ they exit ]
Garry Shandling: Well, we’re off to a great start, don’t you think? Okay, we’ll be right back!
Garry Shandling: Thanks a lot, it’s great to be here, thanks! It’s nice to see you, thanks for coming, and it’s great to be here, I’ve always wanted to host “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I grew up with the show, and.. well, sort of. In my twenties, I grew up with the show. And, uh, gee they’ve done comedy that always approached art, and, uh.. Well, alright – I’m just happy to be doing something on Saturday night, that’s the truth!
And, I wasn’t sure what kind of monologue I wanted to do, because, uh.. have you guys seen me do monologues before? [ audience gives light applause ] Yeah. And you’re pretty thrilled about me doing another one, I can tell. And I really didn’t know if I wanted to do a monologue.
And then I called my girlfriend. Actually, it’s my ex-girlfriend. We broke up because we were having huge arguments over ho was the most disappointed. And I said to her, “Should I do a monologue?” And she said, “I can’t take this kind of stuff any more,” and got out of there. We were just approaching that stage where we were comfortable around each other in the relationship. You know that plae, where you start to be yourself? And she would blow her nose, and it made that honking sound. It grosses you out. And I got used to noise – it’ass when the geese hit the window. You know, “I can’t take this any more.” So, I got out of it. A pretty girl, actually. She was a stewardess for Federal Express.
So, uh.. but I met a new girl, who I started to ask about the monologue. I met a new girl at a barbecue, actually, a very pretty girl. Blonde, I think. I’m not sure, her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was herself. You know those kind of girls – “I’m hot. I’m on fire!” You know. “Me, mem me!” You know. “Help me! Put me out!” Jesus. Some sort of Hollywood chick. And I said, “How about me?” So, we go out on a date, and we go dancing. And I’m sure you can tell just by looking at me you can tell I’m a great dancer. [ laughs ] So, the truth is, when I go to a disco or something, I actually picture the video of that song, and dance like they do in the video. Which means, you know, I gotta carry smoke bombs.. you know, I take a wind machine, it’s a whole thing. But I said, “Should I do a monologue?” to this girl. And she said, “Well, I don’t really care what you do.” It was a weird date.
The weirdest date I ever had, I took a girl – this is the one I’ll never forget – I took a girl to see “E.T.” Right? So now, I take this girl to see “E.T.”, we’re in the theater, she couldn’t let herself get into the fantasy of the movie. Right, so you know this one place where the bike with E.T. on it goes up across the moon? This girl yells, “I’m sure!” I’m going, “This isn’t a documentary, honey, that’s not real live footage up there.” She must dream at night and go, “Right. I’ll bet.”
But I don’t want you to think that I haven’t been dating. In fact, just a few weeks ago I made love to a woman for an hour-and-a-half. And.. well, thank you. Well, it was on the day you put the clocks ahead, but that still counts. Well, you should know this about me. I’m not kinky sexually at all. Occasionally, I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine, but hey! We all have our own thing, you know? Maybe take a few fast ones, maybe hit a couple back.
So, now it’s supposed to be real hip to express your needs in bed, which, boy, I’m just too shy to do, except over the phone to people I don’t know! [ laughs ] Then I can go on forever, even through that loud whistle. So, I said, “Wow, I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’, do I want to do a monologue? What kind of monologue?” And I couldn’t decide if I wanted to do one, so I called my mom. My mom lives in Arizona. I was born in Chicago, raised in Arizona. I moved to Arizona when I was three years old because my brother had asthma. My mother said, “We gotta move, ’cause your brother has asthma.” I said, “Gee, just vacuum!” Because every time someone slaps the couch, the kid has an attack, so.. And my mother actually taught me nothing about sex. I asked, “How do the chemicals mix?” She said, “Just look at the dogs in the front yard.” So, to this day, I’m afraid I’m gonna be hosed down while I’m doing it.
So, I said, “Do I want to do a monologue?” She said, “I really don’t care, son.” So I didn’t know what kind of monologue to do. So I called my dad. And my dad – I grew up with my dad as well. I actually learned to drive on my dad’s lap, did anybody do this? Yeah, I used to sit on his lap and work the wheel, and he’d work the brake. And then I took the exam, and sat on the examiner’s lap. And failed the exam. But he still writes to me, and that’s the good part.
So, the final person I bounced this idea off – I’ve been looking for a house in L.A., and I’m thinking this week I’ve gotta do “Saturday Night Live”, what kind of monologue do I want to do. I said to the realtor who showed me the house. Now, I’ve never bought a house before. She shows me a house, $350,000 on a hill, two bedrooms, she tells me it has a great view. For $350,000, I’d better pen up the curtains and see breasts against the window. So, uh.. yeah, I don’t want to see light for $350,000.
So, anyway, I think I may not actually do a monologue, is what I thought, and move on right to the sketches, how do you feel about that? Because this is really the reason that I wanted to be here, to do the sketches. So why don’t we just get started with the sketches – wish me luck. I’m gonna go over to where I do my first sketch, and this will be great.
Look! Here I am on TV! God, look, there I am! Is that what I look like? Sorry. Come on, I think it’s over here. Oh, look! This is the set where I’m gonna do my first sketch! God, I hope it goes great, because, you know, the first sketch is really a barometer for how well the show’s gonna go. But I feel pretty good about this one, because this is a sketch where I return a sweater to the department store. Wait. There’s a catch. I don’t have the receipt! Is this gonna be great, or what! Alright, I gotta go get into character, and I’ll see you in a minute. Have a good time.
[ exits stage, as cameras zoom into the first sketch ]
The Puppy Masterful jewel thief The Puppy (Dana Carvey) acts just like a little dog.
Support Group Therapy Stu (Shandling) tells support group false stories about his mother (Jan Hooks).
Los Lobos performs “Is That All There Is”
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller Jimmy Stewart (Dana Carvey) speaks against the colorization of black-and-white films. Recurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart.
The Teeny Cafe Babette (Nora Dunn) warms the crowd at her Teeny Cafe. Recurring Characters: Babette.
Chewing Tobacco Airline Couple (Shandling, Victoria Jackson) endure flight filled with tobacco chewers.
“Hollywood Mom” Tracy Ullman’s baby doesn’t share her love for fame.
Anniversary Dinner Couple (Dana Carvey, Jan Hooks) still fight, despite marriage counseling.
Female Salmon…..Victoria Jackson Male Salmon…..Mark Harmon Male Salmon #2…..Kevin Nealon
Announcer: The salmon. In terms of strength, endurance and navigational ability, perhaps the most remarkable of God’s creatures. In an odyssey of mythic proportion, they swim downstream to live in the sea. Then, as adults, they make the arduous journey thousands of miles back to the very streams that gave them birth. There, just before they die, they spawn.
[ open on Female Salmon spawning, as Male Salmon swims over ]
Male Salmon: Excuse, me, Miss, but, uh.. can I ask you a question? Are you spawning? ‘Cause.. I just thought if you were, maybe I could join you?
[ Female Salmon swims away in disgust, as Second Male Salmon swims in ]
Male Salmon #2: Hey, Mr. Subtle! Why don’t you just go up and grab her, for Gosh sakes!
Male Salmon: What do you mean?
Male Salmon #2: What I mean is: you know she’s spawning, I know she’s spawning. But you can’t just go, “How about it, Baby?” You gotta be romantic.
Male Salmon: Romantic? I’m gonna die any day now! I don’t have time for romantic!
Male Salmon #2: Look, I’m telling you, it works. I must have spawned with twenty female today. And what time is it now, noon?
Male Salmon: Twenty? Aren’t you afraid of getting.. salmonella?
Male Salmon #2: Aw, forget it!
[ Second Male Salmon swims away ]
Male Salmon: Hmm.. romantic, huh?
[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ]
[ scene dissolves to Female Salmon in another part of the stream, as Male Salmon swims over with a larva in tow ]
Male Salmon: Excuse me.
Female Salmon: [ put off ] Oh, it’s you.
Male Salmon: Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for what I said before. Here. I brought you a little something. [ nudges the larva towards her ]
Female Salmon: Oh? Oh, really? Well, I am kind of hungry. It looks delicious. They’re really hard to find, you know?
Male Salmon: [ blushing ] Oh, that’s okay. It was a stone fly larva. I can find them. I just push over a big rock with my snout, and they’re all over underneath.
Female Salmon: [ smiling ] You can push over rocks with your snout?
Male Salmon: Big ones!
Female Salmon: Wow! You must be strong! I bet that you could break a twenty-pound test!
Male Salmon: Well, I hope I never have to find out – knock on wood!
Female Salmon: [ laughs ]
Male Salmon: So.. you from around here?
Female Salmon: Originally.
Male Salmon: Me, too.
Female Salmon: Oh, yeah, of course. I guess we’re all from around here, or we wouldn’t be here.
Male Salmon: It sure is beautiful, isn’t it?
Female Salmon: Yeah.
Male Salmon: I’d like my smallfry to grow up here.
Female Salmon: Me, too. You know, it’s so depressing downstream. Everybody’s just, “Me, me, me!” It’s like, “What can I eat?”
Male Salmon: Oh, it makes you sick, doesn’t it? I mean, that ocean water really hurts my eyes.
Female Salmon: Me, too.
[ they both start to say something at once ]
Female Salmon: [ laughing ] You go ahead!
Male Salmon: [ laughing ] No. You. You!
Female Salmon: Well.. I was just thinking about that waterfall about three miles back. I didn’t think I was ever gonna get over that thing!
Male Salmon: Oh, tell me about it! Boy! I think the key is, you can’t be afraid to look stupid.
Female Salmon: Really? You know, that’s so true..
Male Salmon: Hey! Watch this! [ he swims a backwards loop around her ]
Female Salmon: Wow! I’m impressed! You’re really good! You know, a lot of those mating dances are so blatant and mindless.
Male Salmon: Thanks!
Female Salmon: You know.. um.. I have a little place over there behind that boulder.
Male Salmon: Really?
Female Salmon: Yeah.. it’s sort of a little area that I hollowed out in ther gravel with my tail. You wouldn’t, uh.. want to come over and see it, would you?
Male Salmon: Well, actually, I was on my way to – Yeah, I’ll go over there.
Female Salmon: Oh, good! It’s just right over there, past that log.
[ she leads the direction, but a bear captures her instead ]
Male Salmon: Hey! Hey! Hey, let her go! Bear!
[ she swims back into the scene, crying ]
Female Salmon: [ in tears ] Did you see that?!
Male Salmon: Are you okay?
Female Salmon: I.. I think so..
Male Salmon: Damn bears! I hate them! You still want to go over to your place?
Female Salmon: Oh, gosh, let’s just do it right here!
Mr. Edwards…Jon Lovitz Harry Butterworth…Phil Hartman Einstein Express Clerk…Jan Hooks Customer…Kevin Nealon
[ Open on Mr. Edwards in his office, answering phone call from his boss, Harry Butterworth ]
Mr. Edwards: Hello?
Harry Butterworth: Edwards, where’s that report?
Mr. Edwards: Report?
Harry Butterworth: It was supposed to be here last week!
Mr. Edwards: Uhh…
Harry Butterworth: You’re fired! [ slams down his phone ]
[ Mr. Edwards, realizing he forgot to send in the report, immediately hangs up and types up the report quickly ]
Announcer: There are lots of overnight express delivery services – Federal Express, Duralater, Emery. They all do a fine job when you’re racing a deadline. But what do you do if you’ve already missed your deadine? When it’s already too late, it’s time to call us. Einstein Express.
[ logo appears on screen ]
[ Mr. Edwards is seen at Einstein Express office, standing in Clerk’s line ]
Clerk: Hello. [ weighs package ] Two pounds. And when does it have to be there?
Mr. Edwards: [ nervous ] Uh.. three days ago?
Clerk: [ checks calendar ] Okay, that’s last Friday.
Announcer: Using a patented superconductor matrix, coupled with Einstein’s theory of space-time continum, we can transport any document or package up to ten pounds into the past.
[ clerk puts package in time machine, sets it to three days ago, sending it into the past. Mr Edwards is amazed. ]
[ SUPER: “Maxinmum time warp: Six months” ]
Announcer: Sure, it costs a little more..
Clerk: That’ll be 57 dollars.
[ Mr. Edwards hands her the money and leaves ]
Announcer: But there are times when nothing else will do.
[ Next Customer comes up, holding a container of birth control pills ]
Customer: I gotta get these pills to my girlfriend.. four months ago.
[ back in Harry Butterworth’s office, Harry is talking to Mr. Edwards on the phone ]
Harry Butterworth: Edwards, I read your report over the weekend. It’s brilliant.. partner!
[ back in Mr. Edwards’ office, Mr Edwards hangs up, feeling relieved ]
Announcer: Einstein Express. When it absolutely, positively, has to be there the day before yesterday.
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Episodes
Air Date:
Roy Orbison, “Crying”
Los Lobos, “Is That All There Is”