Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2

10b: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

The Bjelland Brothers

Jeffrey…..Bryan Cranston
Dan…..Fred Armisen

[Opens with an outside shot of the Target Center arena]

[ Caption: “Minneapolis, MN.” ]

[Cuts to the stage with two long-haired old school soft rock singers. The band behind them play a jangly soft rock song]

Dan: Good evening, everybody!

Jeffrey: Hello! Thank you all for coming.

Dan: Wow!

Jeffrey: Are you ready, Dan?

Dan: I’m always ready. Oh, yeah.

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Jeffrey: Oh, remember this song?

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

[soft rock theme continues]

Dan: Thank you all so much for coming here tonight. It means so much to me and my brother Jeffrey.

Jeffrey: It sure does. [to the audience] Can you all see us? Even the people in the back? Is that–

Dan: Turn the house lights up a little. We want to see the crowd. [looks into the audience] Mmm, look at that. There aren’t that many people here tonight.

Jeffrey: It’s what professional singers describe as “lightly attended”.

Dan: There are pockets of people. I see a nice little crowd right over there. [points] Hello!

[Three people wander around the empty arena]

Jeffrey: Still, a few more people would’ve been nice. [pointing to the stands] It seems like whole sections are empty.

Dan: Whole sections… you know what? That’s okay. This is our hometown. And we love you!

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Dan: Hello!

[soft rock theme continues]

Jeffrey: You know, this song hit the Top 200 on the Minnesota charts back in 1979. It’s our only song. How about that?

Dan: It was so nice seeing our name up there. “The Bjelland Brothers”. You know, printed local music magazine. We were shocked.

Jeffrey: Especially since the song itself was written fairly quickly, believe it or not.

Dan: It’s very true. I had sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to a woman I was very interested in…

Jeffrey: Very interested.

Dan: …and I didn’t hear back from her as to whether or not she got it. I was very depressed for about a year. Until one day I walked out into my garage and saw a bottle of sparkling apple juice underneath my table. So, as it turns out, I never sent it.

Jeffrey: He’s very forgetful.

Dan: But you know something? We did get this wonderful song out of it.

Jeffrey: We did.

Dan: What a wonderful thing that is! To write beautiful music.

Dan and Jeffrey: [singing] “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Dan: [to the band] Say hello to our band. They’ve been working so hard on this 3-day tour.

Jeffrey: You know, we’ve lost a lot of money on this tour. A lot of money.

Dan: We bought two buses. You know how much a bus costs? We could’ve rented them, but I was just being show-offy in front of my new assistant. So dumb.

Jeffrey: [holding his arms in disbelief] We also hired a chef!

Dan: So stupid. You guys look like a really good crowd.

Jeffrey: They do…they do.

Dan: Do you guys want to sing along? Okay, bring the music down.

[music goes down]

Jeffrey: Bring it down, you guys. Bring the music down just a little.

Dan: [sings] “I sent a—” [holds microphone out into the audience]

Audience: “–bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Jeffrey: Oh!

[Dan and Jeffrey hold their microphones out to the audience]

Audience: “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it?”

Dan: Bring it back up! [soft rock theme comes back stronger] This is the only song we’re doing tonight!

[cut to outside of the Target Center in Minneapolis, MN]

Dan and Jeffrey: “I sent a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house…did you get it? I sent—”

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

October 2nd, 2010

Bryan Cranston

Kanye West

None

Morgan Freeman

Ernest Borgnine

Pusha T

None

C-SpanSummary: After announcing his resignation, Rahm Emanuel (Andy Samberg) tells successor Peter Rouse (Bobby Moynihan) that he’ll have to be tough to survive in Washington, D.C.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Rahm Emanuel.

Transcript

Montage

Bryan Cranston’s MonologueSummary: Bryan Cranston tries to build name recognition with a lavish song-and-dance number with back-up performers who don’t recognize him.

Pepto-Bismol IceSummary: The upset stomach reliever that won’t interrupt a night of wreckless drinking and partying.

Note: This filmed piece was cut from last week’s episode.

Transcript

The Miley Cyrus ShowSummary: Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) hosts a talk show and interviews Johnny Depp (Paul Brittain).

Transcript

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Morgan Freeman, Ernest Borgnine, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

Sexy ShanaSummary: Basketball team (Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam) is enamored by Shana (Kristen Wiig) until she goes overboard with her sexy-gross cheering techniques.

Recurring Characters: Shana.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A man’s (Andy Samberg) attempts to dial 911 and thwart a home break-in result in a massive ticket order to see “Rescue Dogs 3D”.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “Power”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) delivers erronous secondhand news, Cathy (Andy Samberg) ends her strip’s 34-year run.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino, Cathy.

Kid SmartzSummary: In a classic game show rebroadcast from 1972, emcee Bobby Poth (Bryan Cranston) enjoys kissing his underaged child contestants (Vanessa Bayer, Abby Elliott, Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson).

The Bjelland BrothersSummary: Minnesota brothers Jeffrey (Bryan Cranston) and Dan Bjelland (Fred Armisen) perform their bottom-of-the-chart song “Bottle of Sparkling Apple Juice” over and over in concert to a sparsely-populated local crowd.

Transcript

Kanye West performs “Runaway”

HenrySummary: Ex-Green Beret Dad (Bryan Cranston) beats would-be mural artist and fifth-grader Henry (Nasim Pedrad) up in order to teach his weakling son how to fight.

Transcript

I-Sleep ProSummary: Business traveler (Kenan Thompson) is unable to fall asleep unless he can drift off to the sounds of familiar “black noise”.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

CNN’s Got TalentSummary: CNN reporters display their skills in a no-holds-barred talent competition.

GunshotSummary: A director (Jason Sudeikis) is unconvinced by an actor’s (Fred Armisen) death by gunshot while filming a scene.

Frederick from ZurichSummary: Frederick (Paul Brittain) runs over his wife’s (Nasim Pedrad) cat for the third time.

American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

RNC Headquarters

Secretary…..Vanessa Bayer
Ted Jessup…..Jason Sudeikis
Jim Boucher…..Bill Hader
Christine O’Donnell…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, RNC Headquarters ]

[ SUPER: “Washington, DC, Republican National Committee Headquarters” ]

[ dissolve to interior office, as a knock sounds at the door ]

Ted Jessup: Come in.

[ Secretary enters office ]

Secretary: Mr. Jessup? Christine O’Donnell is here.

Ted Jessup: Hmm. Have her come in. [ to Jim Boucher ] Oh, boy.

Jim Boucher: Yeah.

[ they stand, as Christine O’Donnell enters ]

Christine O’Donnell: [ sweetly ] Hi-i-i-i!

Ted Jessup: Hi, Christine. How are you? I’m Ted Jessup. This is Jim Boucher.

[ they all shake hands, then sit ]

Ted Jessup: Christine, Jim and I are handling the RNC role in your Delaware Senate campaign.

Christine O’Donnell: Okay.

Jim Boucher: Obviously, the Republican National Committee did not support you in the primary.

Ted Jessup: Mmm-hmm. But! You won fair and square. You are the Republican nominee… and we are behind you one-hundred percent.

Christine O’Donnell: Thank you. It’s nice to hear.

Ted Jessup: Mmm-hmm. Now, the latest polls have you trailing, uh — but that’s because of the media’s fixation on trivial things from the past. Like your… talking about dabbling in witchcraft on Bill Mahar’s show…

Christine O’Donnell: [ smiling ] You guys! I was only sixteen! Have you ever been sixteen?

Jim Boucher: It was also your claim that scientists developed mice with human brains.

Christine O’Donnell: [ she throws up her arms and smiles ] I don’t even remember saying that! You know? But I guess I did!

Jim Boucher: It’s on videotape.

Ted Jessup: Yeah. Uh — and, of course, there’s your anti-masturbation campaign.

Christine O’Donnell: [ recalling with delight ] Ohhhh! It was fifteen years ago! I was in my early twenties! Come on!

Ted Jessup: Alright, listen. We’re not worried about it, okay? If anything, the media’s obsession with masturbation makes them look bad. It’s creepy.

Christine O’Donnell: Look — when I started that anti-masturbation campaign…

Ted Jessup: No! Christine, Christine. Honestly. Forget it. It’s old news.

Christine O’Donnell: No, no, no, no — this is important. When I started that campaign — and I’ll be totally honest with you — I, frankly, did not understand what masturbation was.

Ted Jessup: [ confused ] Okay.

Christine O’Donnell: It turns out, I was confusing it with something else! [ she laughs ]

Ted Jessup: I see.

Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. And, as soon as I understood that, I TOTALLY reversed my policy on masturbation! Okay? Yeah? I bet you didn’t hear that from the media, right?

Ted Jessup: Nope.

Jim Boucher: I did not.

Christine O’Donnell: I will have you know… that I masturbate… constantly.

Ted Jessup: Really?

Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. I masturbated this morning when I woke up, uh, again in the shower, then while eating breakfast, and, uh, in the taxi on the way over here.

Ted Jessup: Uh, okay — Christine! You know, you don’t need to —

Christine O’Donnell: No! And I’m gonna tell you something else: In a few minutes, I’m going to want to masturbate again.

Jim Boucher: Okay — well, then, uh, to keep this meeting short!

Ted Jessup: [ chuckling ] Uh, well, Christine, here it is in a nutshell: We’re gonna do everything we can to help you win the Delaware Senate race. But, first — you have to help us help you.

Christine O’Donnell: Okay.

Ted Jessup: Okay. Now — is there anything else you can think of from your past — anything at all — that might be problematic?

Jim Boucher: Trust us — it’s gonna come out. And, when it does, we’ll need a response.

Christine O’Donnell: Uhhh — [ she shakes her head ] No. Nothing.

Ted Jessup: You sure?

Christine O’Donnell: Yes.

Jim Boucher: Nothing in the new Bill Mahar tapes?

Christine O’Donnell: Nope.

Ted Jessup: No arrests?

Christine O’Donnell: No.

Jim Boucher: Traffic accidents?

Christine O’Donnell: No-ooo.

Jim Boucher: DWIs?

Christine O’Donnell: NO! No. [ she smiles ]

Ted Jessup: Good! Good! Okay, alright. We just need to be sure, because this race is gonna tighten up. And, when it does, it’s gonna be a real DOG fight. I need you to understand that.

Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. Look — please don’t try to tell me about dog fights, okay? [ smugly ] I know all about dog fights! For your information, gentlemen — I used to run a business staging dog fights!

[ Ted and Jim are stunned ]

Ted Jessup: Really?

Jim Boucher: Dog fights, uh, like Michael Vick?

Christine O’Donnell: No. Much better than Michael Vick’s! I’ve been to Michael Vick’s dog fights. They were LAME! Mine? Mine have action! Hard-core dog fighting action!

Jim Boucher: Really?

Christine O’Donnell: You know, it taught me a lot about leadership… and about running a business. And, anyway, I was like 28!

Ted Jessup: Okay. Okay. Alright. Uh, look — Cbristine. Earlier, when we asked if there was anything in the past, anything that could be used against you in the campaign? Yeah? Remember that? Yeah. This is exactly the kind of thing we had in mind.

Christine O’Donnell: You guys! [ whispering ] No one cares!

Jim Boucher: Yeah, but the plan to address this could be a problem.

Christine O’Donnell: I’m gonna let you two hotshots figure that out. Me? I’m gonna masturbate!

[ cut to black ]

[ SUPER: “3 1/2 Minutes Later” ]

[ return to office ]

Christine O’Donnell: Whew! That was good! I am hungry. Do you guys have anything to eat?

Ted Jessup: Uh — we’re almost finished.

Christine O’Donnell: You know — while I was masturbating, I remembered something else.

Ted Jessup: Really.

Christine O’Donnell: Yeah. don’t know — [ she waves her hand and laughs ] It’s probably nothing!

Jim Boucher: Go ahead.

Christine O’Donnell: In college, I — I burned somebody’s house down.

Ted Jessup: Arson?

Christine O’Donnell: Yes. But not for money. For revenge.

Ted Jessup: Okay! Alright! Christine, I’m gonna stop you right here, because this is getting into a, uh — uh — trick legal area, and [ to Jim ] we probably shouldn’t be hearing this.

Christine O’Donnell: Exactly! And, you know what? The people of Delaware don’t want to hear about it, either. They want to hear about our future, of taking back our country and restoring the founders’ vision. Right? Things like that!

Ted Jessup: Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Well, you’re right. You’re right! No, it’s ancient history. So, uh, anyway — I think we’ve covered everything here. Unless, Jim — you, uh, you have something?

Christine O’Donnell: Uhhhhh — no! I’m good.

Ted Jessup: No? Okay. And, uh, Christine, I know you have to get back to Delaware.

Christine O’Donnell: I know, I have three events today. Busy bee!

[ they all laugh ]

Ted Jessup: Okay.

Jim Boucher: Thanks for coming in.

Christine O’Donnell: Ohhh, thanks for having me.

[ O’Donnell stands, grabs a broom and pulls a witch’s hat over her head ]

Christine O’Donnell: Okay. My pleasure!

Ted Jessup: Alright.

Jim Boucher: Take care.

Ted Jessup: Good luck!

Christine O’Donnell: Okay!

[ O’Donnell jump onto the broom as she rises in the air ]

Christine O’Donnell: And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Mosque at Ground Zero

Bride…..Vanessa Bayer
Lesbian Partner…..Amy Poehler
Pitchman…..Bill Hader

[ open on footage of a bride walking down the aisle ]

Announcer: You’ve dreamed about this day forever…

[ the bride holds out her hands, reaching out for her lesbian partner ]

Announcer: The day of your gay wedding.

And shouldn’t the most special day of your life… be celebrated in the most special place on Earth?

[ the two women stand before a Muslim congregation, as the scene freezes and the Pitchman pops into frame ]

Pitchman: THE NEW MOSQUE AT GROUND ZERO!! Coming this Fall!! It’s so much MORE than a mosque!!

[ images pop onto the screen as he makes his pitch ]

Pitchman: It’s gonna have a gym! A swimming pool! A child care center! And it’s THE! PLACE! For your GAY WEDDING!!

[ images of people appear ]

Pitchman: Weddings for two women! Weddings for two men! Weddings for a person and an animal!

Fabulous!

Classy!

Friendly!

It’s FIRST Class from top to bottom! For tops and bottoms! With a 20% discount for active military!

And the Mosque at Ground Zero’s conveniently located — you guessed it! Just a stone’s throw from Ground Zero!

[ show map ]

Pitchman: Controversial? Maybe. Fun? Definitely!

‘Cause we also offer up great services! Like: Free naturalization for Mexican citizens! A state-of-the-art pregnancy termination lounge! And a cafe featuring a full espresso bar!

The Mosque at Ground Zero! [ subdued ] It’s nothing to worry about.

[ freeze-frame to negative slide ]

Announcer: It could happen. Paid for by the Republican National Committee. And 70% of the DNC.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Amy Poehler’s Monologue

…..Amy Poehler
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Justin Timberlake
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Tina Fey
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Paul Brittain
…..Taran Killam
…..Seth Meyers
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Jay Pharoah
…..Kristen Wiig
Security Guard…..Fred Armisen
Lorne Michaels…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow! Thank you so much. It is good to be back. Hosting “SNL” is completely surreal for me. When I was in the cast, we would every now and then get a real diva host. And if I ever hosted, I would be that diva… And I am the best in the world!!

[ Amy bows. ]

Amy Poehler: For those of you who don’t know a lot about me, much like Betty White, I’m 88 1/2 years old. I’ve been very busy since I left “SNL”. I’m proud to be part of another wonderful show called “Parks & Recreation”.

[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]

Amy Poehler: It is a one-hour cop drama; where I play Rebecca Parks, a tough-talking cop always butting heads with her ex-husband/drug kingpin Jeff Recreation. Check it out! Since I left the show, a lot has happened. I’ve had two beautiful boys… [ Cheers and applause from the audience. ] I’ve also had two sons… so I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell them about the beautiful boys I’ve had. But between us, the two beautiful boys were Nick Jonas & Taylor Lautner — and to them I say, “You’re welcome!”

This is an exciting night! We have four new cast members and I’m honored to share their first episode. Can we cut to them?

[ Vanessa, Paul, Taran and Jay are huddled together; smiling and/or waving. ]

Amy Poehler (V/O): And can we cut back?

[ Back to Home Base. ]

Amy Poehler: Can’t let them get too cocky! But seriously guys – welcome! It’s great to have four people here who’re as nervous as I am. You know, when I used to work here, it was the craziest thing. I would have these stress dreams that I was going to be late for the show. And I hoped those days were behind me, but last night, right on schedule – I had one of those dreams.

[ DISSOLVE TO: A “TWILIGHT ZONE” ESQUE MONTAGE WITH AMY’S BIG WIG CHARACTER FROM SEASON 32 IN CENTER. ]

[ INT. 30 ROCK LOBBY – NIGHT ]

[ Amy enters breathless. A SECURITY GUARD stands guard. ]

Amy Poehler: Fred, I’m late for work!

Security Guard: Oh, I’m not Fred. I’m a security guard and everyone’s mad at you.

[ Amy races around the ticket booths. ]

Amy Poehler: Oh my God! Oh no! Nasim, why are you in my Kaitlin costume!?

[ Nasim’s dressed as Amy’s recurring character Kaitlin. ]

Nasim Pedrad (as Kaitlin): Guess what!? I’m Kaitlin now!

Amy Poehler: What!? No!!!

[ Nasim exits shouting “Rick! Rick! Rick!” ]

Amy Poehler: Wiig!

[ Amy rushes over to Kristen, who’s dressed in a “Laugh-In”-esque go-go costume. ]

Kristen Wiig: Just want to make sure you remember the complicated dance routine!

[ Kristen showcases a series of choreographed steps. ]

Kristen Wiig: Kickball change, kickball change… Peanut butter n’ jelly! Peanut butter – JELLY! Knife catch, knife catch! Got it?

[ Kristen shimmies out of camera frame. ]

Amy Poehler: What!? I have no idea what you’re talking about! Justin!

[ Amy rushes over to Justin Timberlake. ]

Amy Poehler: I’m so nervous.

Justin Timberlake: It’s gonna be okay!

Amy Poehler: Wow!

Justin Timberlake: You wanna rehearse our kissing scene?

[ Amy faces the camera and cracks a grin. ]

Amy Poehler: Why yes! I’d love too!

[ Amy faces Justin eye-to-eye while he tries to kiss her cheek. Amy pivots her head to his lips and they make contact. ]

Justin Timberlake: Ugh!! You’re a terrible kisser!!! I’m going to tell the whole world!

[ Justin moves toward the camera till he’s out of frame. ]

Justin Timberlake: I’m Justin Timberlake and Amy Poehler’s a terrible kisser!!!

Amy Poehler: No! Oh my God!! Help!!! Can someone help me!? Rachel!

[ Rachel Dratch appears. ]

Rachel Dratch: Hey!

Amy Poehler: Hey!

Rachel Dratch: Hi! Hey, Poehler-Bear!

Amy Poehler: Dratch-Bear!

[ Rachel points off-screen. ]

Rachel Dratch: No! Polar Bear!

Amy Poehler: What?

[ A polar bear barges in. Amy screams. The bear drags Rachel away. ]

Rachel Dratch: AVENGE ME!!! AVENGE ME!!!

Amy Poehler: I can’t! I have to do “Update”! Seth!

[ Amy goes over to Seth. ]

Seth Meyers: No… I don’t think we’re doing “Update” tonight.

Amy Poehler: Why?

Seth Meyers: Because they’re back!

Amy Poehler: Who?

Seth Meyers: THEY’RE BACK!!!

[ Seth makes a fearful quick exit as Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey sandwich themselves between Amy and push her around. The audience goes berserk upon seeing the former news team. ]

Jimmy Fallon: [Brooklyn accent] That’s right! No “Update” for you, squirt!

Tina Fey: [Brooklyn accent] Maybe if you’re lucky, we’ll let you do a walk-on!

Jimmy Fallon: [Brooklyn accent] Oh! And Lorne said, “You better not pee your pants!”

Tina Fey: [Brooklyn accent] No! He said, “You SHOULD pee your pants!”

[ Jimmy & Tina guffaw to the camera and out of frame. ]

Amy Poehler: What am I supposed to do!? Am I supposed to pee my pants or not pee my pants!? Lorne!

VLorne Michaels: Believe me, all you need to do is relax. You’re only in a dream.

Amy Poehler: How do you know?

Lorne Michaels: Well, I have this…

[ Lorne pulls out the brushed silver top from “Inception”. ]

Lorne Michaels: It’s a gift that I got from my friend Leo… DiCaprio!

[ Lorne spins the top on a small table in front. ]

[ DISSOLVE TO: HOME BASE. ]

Amy Poehler: Wow! Crazy dream, right? Tonight really is a dream come true. We got a great show for you tonight! Katy Perry is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Maternity Matters

Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Leonard…..Bill HaderKanya Donahue…..Kristen Wiig
Terry Facials…..Amy Poehler
John Joseph Darapont…..Andy Samberg
Sheila Whitehead…..Abby Elliott

[ open on program montage ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Maternity Matters”, with Dr. Christine Kurant. The show that addresses all of the questions about being an expectant mother. Dr. Christine is a licensed obstetrician, and a mother of three. And now, please welcome Dr. Christine Kurant.

[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]

Roger Brush: Uh… Dr. Kurant is sick. I’m her producer, Roger Brush. Dr. Kurant’s husband called and said she got sick on the way over here, and let’s just say they had to throw her underwear out at the A&P! Anyway, I said, “Take the whole week off, I’ll cover the show.” So, uh, I’m going to do the best I can to answer all your questions? Alright? Uh, let’s go to the audience.

Leonard: This is Kanya Donahue, she’s six months pregnant.

Kanya Donahue: [ nervous ] Hello, um — I wanted to know, is it normal for your nipples to change color?

Roger Brush: [ incredulous ] Your what changed color?!

Kanya Donahue: Um… my — my nipples.

Roger Brush: Yeah, I-I can’t hear you, sweetheart. You’re mumbling.

Kanya Donahue: My nipples.

Roger Brush: Pineapples? You sound like you’re talking to a sponge. What?

Kanya Donahue: [ shouting ] I HAVE VERY DARK NIPPLES!!

Roger Brush: Oh. Oh boy, alright, I gotcha. Here’s what you do: Why don’t you wear two bras, one of top of the other. You know, layer them? That way, if someone’s trying to get in there, you have time, you know, to warn them.

Kanya Donahue: [ bewildered ] What?! What are you talking about?!

Roger Brush: Wha..? Honey, you asked me what I thought! You know, I give you my honest opinion, and you decide you want to be a real handful! I don’t know what to tell ya’! You wanna walk around looking like you got two big chocolate chips in your shirt pockets, knock yourself out!! Let’s go to the next person! Who do we got?

[ Kanya steps aside, as Terry Facials comes forward ]

Leonard: This is Terry Facials. She has a real interesting question.

Terry Facials: Hi. I’m due in six weeks —

Roger Brush: Yeah, speak up, sweetie!

Terry Facials: And, um, I don’t know how to put this.

Roger Brush: Honey! You gotta get LOUD!

Terry Facials: I just don’t — I don’t feel attractive, and I want to feel attractive.

Roger Brush: You wanna feel what?!

Terry Facials: A-attractive. I want to feel attractive.

Roger Brush: [ confused ] For what?

Terry Facials: I don’t know. I just — I want to feel pretty.

Roger Brush: WHY?! Where you going? You going on a date?!

Terry Facials: Nooo. I don’t — it’s just important to me.

Roger Brush: Okay, I don’t know! You know, why don’t you get a flowery dress, put on a bunch of make-up, walk into your husband’s room and say, “I’m sorry, honey — this is what you get!”

Terry Facials: [ speechless ] That’s incredibly rude.

Roger Brush: Which part?

Terry Facials: Dr. Kurant would NEVER tell someone to do that!

Roger Brush: Well, then what are you coming to ME for?! YOU put me on the spot!! You don’t like what I have to say, then just DROP IT!! Don’t drag me down with YOU! I got problems of my own to deal with! You should see my WATER BILL! I gotta call them! Now, who’s next?

[ Terry steps aside, as John comes forward ]

Leonard: This is John Joseph Darapont, and his wife is eight months pregnant.

John Joseph Darapont: Hi, Roger, hi.

Roger Brush: Yeah, finally, right?

John Joseph Darapont: Uh — my wife is in her third trimester, and I was wondering if it’s okay to have sex with her?

Roger Brush: [ disgusted ] What?! That’s gross. Think about your kid! Is that the first thing you want him to see?! Who’s next?!

[ John is speechless, and steps aside as Sheila W comes forward ]

Leonard: This is Sheila Whitehead, she’s in her sixth month.

Roger Brush: Okay, so what’s your deal?

Sheila Whitehead: Um — I noticed that ever since I got pregnant, I’ve had a lot of flatulence.

Roger Brush: What’s that? You were in “Flashdance”?

Sheila Whitehead: No. Flatulence! Gas!

Roger Brush: Tony, what’s going on with the sound? Turn her mike up all the way so I can hear her! Say it!

Sheila Whitehead: [ louder ] I have gas!

Roger Brush: Uh, I don’t like hearing that at all. I want to say this to everyone here: You guys, learn your manners and be polite! Okay?

Sheila Whitehead: Come on, Mr. Brush, she has a serious problem!

Roger Brush: You know who else has a seriou problem? The people sitting behind her. Right, ladies?

Sheila Whitehead: You’re not helping me!

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what you want me to tell ya’! You know? Why don’t you just rope off an area of your house and STAY there! God! Who’s next?

[ Sheila steps aside ]

Leonard: No one else wants to go.

Roger Brush: Okay, good! Well, when we come back, Nurse Somers is gonna show us how to use a breast pump! [ he grimaces ] Count me out!

[ cut to program montage ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Ladies Who Lunch

Abby…..Abby Elliott
Vanessa…..Vanessa Bayer
Sylvia…..Kristen Wiig
Trish…..Amy Poehler
Fashion Designer…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Chez Henri ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as a group of ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To another great lunch!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Abby: Sylvia, I have to ask: Where did you get that dress?

Sylvia: Oh. It’s actually a very funny story: I was at the Chanel store, just minding my own business, when this man came up to me —

Vanessa: Oh! [ waving ] Trish! We’re over here!

Sylvia: [ continuing ] So this man at the Chanel store came over to me —

Abby: Wait a minute, Sylvia. Everyone, look at Trish’s hat!

[ Trish, wearing a tiny hat, takes her seat ]

Trish: Oh, hi. Sorry I’m late.

Vanessa: My God, Trish! That’s the most adorable little hat I’ve ever seen!

Trish: [ with forced modesty ] Oh. This?

Abby: It’s perfect!

Vanessa: Tiny hats were the rage at Fashion Week! Don’t you just love it, Sylvia?

Sylvia: [ irked that she hasn’t gotten to finish her story ] It’s a very… small hat. Anyway, Trish, I was just telling the girls the wildest story. [ She continues ] So I was at Chanel —

[ a flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table while holding a Bichon Frise ]

Fashion Designer: I’m sorry — I never do this but that… hat… ROCKS!

[ he walks off ]

Abby & Vanessa: Absolutely! It’s fantastic! It’s just so perfectly Trish…!

[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves salad into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]

[ cut to exterior, Chez Henri ]

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To US!!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Sylvia: [ wearing a tiny hat of her own ] Oh, yes — to us!

Abby: Love the hat, Sylvia!

Vanessa: Yes.

Sylvia: Oh! [ she giggles ] Thank you!

[ Trish enters wearing her samze-sized tiny hat ]

Trish: Ohhh, sorry I’m late!

Vanessa: Trish! Look at Sylvia! I guess you’re not the only one with an adorable little hat any more!

Trish: Ohhhh, how nice, Sylvia.

Sylvia: [ giggling triumphantly ] Thank you, Trish.

Trish: I tip my hat to you! [ she removes her hat to reveal a tinier hat beneath ]

Vanessa: No!

Abby: A smaller hat?!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again ]

Fashion Designer: Advantage: Trish!

[ he walks off ]

Vanessa: Trish is a fashion icon!

Abby: She’s amazing!

Vanessa: Unbelievable!

[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves bread into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]

[ cut to exterior, Chez Henri, with sign: “Trish Eats Here!” ]

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To women!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Abby: So, Sylvia — no hat this week?

Sylvia: [ smirking ] Oh! Oh, I’m wearing a hat. [ she pulls up a microscope and places it on the table ] Take a look into the microscope.

Abby: Hmm?

Sylvia: Tell me what you see! [ she lays her head on the slide ]

Abby: Mmm-hmm. [ she peers into the microscope ] Oh, my God! It’s a microscopic hat!!

[ reveal the image of a hat between hair follicles on the slide ]

Sylvia: [ proudly ] It’s the smallest hat known to man! It cost me $4 million!

Vanessa: I wonder how Trish will respond?

Abby: I think she already has…

[ reveal a microscopic Trish also on the slide, wearing an even tinier hat to match her tiny proportions ] And her HAT!!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer is also of microscopic size, and walks past Trish to admire her hat ]

Vanessa: She is just amazing! No one beats Trish!

[ Sylvia, her head still on the slide, shoves a breadstick into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]

[ cut to exterior, Trish’s, with sign: “Home of the Tiny Hat” ]

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To Trish!

Sylvia: [ irked ] To Trish?! To Trish?! W-what, did she get another stupid hat?!

Vanessa: Sylvia!

Sylvia: I mean it! As far as I’m concerned, she can just take all her little hats and shove them up her —

Abby: SYLVIA!!

Vanessa: [ calmy ] Trish… died this morning.

[ Sylvia appears stunned ]

Abby: She was in a motorcycle crash — [ choking up ] and her helmet was tiny.

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again, crying ]

Fashion Designer: Ohhhhhhhhhh! [ to Sylvia ] It should have been you!

[ he walks off ]

Sylvia: Oh… I feel awful…

[ suddenly, Trish sits down ]

Trish: Oh! Am I late?

Vanessa: Trish! You’re alive!

Trish: [ she laughs ] Faking your own death is the NEW tiny hat!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer returns, cheerful as ever ]

Fashion Designer: Hat’s all, folks!

[ they all share the laugh, as Sylvia shoves pepper down her throat ]

[ dissolve to New York Post headline: “Pope: ‘You Go, Trish!'” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Goodnights

…..Amy Poehler

Amy Poehler: Thank you so much to Katy Perry! Governor David Patterson! Justin Timberlake! Rachel Dratch! Tina Fey! Jimmy Fallon! Maya Rudolph! Lorne Michaels! Seth Meyers! I love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Actor II Actor

…..Andy Samberg
…..Justin Timberlake

[ open with show’s graphic footage, as audience teenyboppers squeal with delight ]

Announcer: And now, “Actor II Actor”. The show where Andy Samberg goes in-depth with the premier actors of stage and screen, to discuss process, preparation, AND performance. This week: Andy sits down with actor Justin Timberlake.

[ dissolve to Andy and Justin seated in director’s chairs on a darkened stage, as the teeyboppers squeal more enthusiastically ]

Andy Samberg: Justin.

Justin Timberlake: [ extended pause, as he anticipates something more, then, finally: ] Andy.

Andy Samberg: [ extended pause as he makes a series of serious faces ] Acting.

Justin Timberlake: [ waiting ] Yes?

Andy Samberg: [ breathing deeply, then spilling it ] When are you going to make some more music?!

Justin Timberlake: [ upset ] Alright, you know what? That’s it!

[ Justin jumps to his feet and yanks off his microphone ]

Andy Samberg: What?!

Justin Timberlake: [ whining like a little girl ] I’m trying to take this seriously! I’m trying to take this seriously!!

Andy Samberg: Everyone wants to know!

Justin Timberlake: [ as he runs off stage ] Unbelievable!!

Andy Samberg: I’M YOUR FRIEND!! I just want to DANCE again!!

[ title card appears ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:













Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

September 25th, 2010

Amy Poehler

Katy Perry

None

Justin Timberlake

Rachel Dratch

Tina Fey

Jimmy Fallon

Maya Rudolph

Gov. David Paterson

Peter Sarsgaard

None

Emily Spivey

RNC HeadquartersSummary: At the Republican National Committee Headquarters, Christine O’Donnell (Kristen Wiig) rattles off more problematic disgressions from her past.

Transcript

Montage

Amy Poehler’s MonologueSummary: Amy Poehler announces that it’s a dream come true to host “SNL”, then relives her recurring stress dream of being late for the show amid a slew of gratutious celebrity cameos.

Transcript

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with a provocatively dressed teenager (Katy Perry) who volunteers as a children’s story reader at the local library.

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

BosleySummary: Spokesperson (Jason Sudeikis) explains the hair loss restoration system that uses pubic hair as a baldness solution.

Maternity MattersSummary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.

Recurring Characters: Roger Brush.

Transcript

Mosque at Ground ZeroSummary: Pitchman (Bill Hader) lauds the whirlwind of anti-Democratic activity taking place at the Mosque at Ground Zero.

Transcript

Katy Perry performs “California Gurls”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” in regards to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Although Will Smith (Jay Pharoah) didn’t star in a summer blockbuster this year, he’s thrilled that his spawn has been active on-screen. The real Gov. David Paterson confronts Fred Armisen about the achievements he’s made as a blind governor.

Recurring Characters: Will Smith, Gov. David Paterson.

The Lean YearsSummary: Amy Poehler stars in Showtime’s latest series, which focuses on Amber, a foul-mouthed girl whose private secret is that she only has one leg.

Recurring Characters: Amber.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: At the Academy Awards, Katy Perry sings the title track for the film “Boogerman”, starring Peter Sarsgaard.

Ladies Who LunchSummary: Sylvia (Kristen Wiig) is jealous that Trish’s (Amy Poehler) tiny hats are consistently tinier than her tiny hats.

Transcript

Katy Perry performs “Teenage Dream”

Actor II ActorSummary: Acting enthusiast Andy Samberg ponders when thespian Justin Timberlake will put his craft aside and return to making music.

Transcript

The Even More ExpendablesSummary: Sequels to “The Expendables” feature an ever-expanding collection of quasi-celebrities together in bulk action flicks.

Recurring Characters: Kim Jong Il, Chris Tucker, Rod Blagojevich, Steven Seagal, Tracy Chapman, Brigitte Nielsen.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From Hillary ClintonSummary: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) addresses the public about President Obama’s ratings.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Pepto Bismol IceSummary: Summary: The upset stomach reliever that won’t interrupt a night of wreckless drinking and partying.

Note: This filmed piece will air on next week’s episode hosted by Bryan Cranston.

Family FeudSummary: New host Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) can’t seem to pronounce any of the answers.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

LobotomySummary: After his lobotomy, a patient (Andy Samberg) can’t comprehend scientists’ (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) scientific terms.

American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts