Janet Jackson: Thank you, it’s really great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, and it’s really been an exciting year for me, so uh.. did anybody happen to see the Superbowl? [ audience cheers wildly ] Thank you, I was afraid of that.
You know, the one reason why I wanted to do this show was so that people would see that I’m a regular person. And that my family was jsut an average family, no different than yours. I can prove this – I brought some old home movies. Would you guys want to see them? [ audience cheers enthusiastically ] Yeah?
[ cut to old home movie footage of a little girl twirling in circles in a ballet costume ]
Janet Jackson V/O: Okay. Here I am – see, I took ballet, just like a normal little girl. I think my moves were pretty good, you know, for a little kid. It was fun —
[ camera pans right to show the Jackson Five practicing in the living room ]
Janet Jackson V/O: Oh – that’s right. My brothers, they had this band. I-I completely forgot about that.
[ cut back to Jackson at Home Base ]
Janet Jackson: You know, just typical brothers. We were just like any other family.
[ cut to more home movie footage of the siblings are clowning around together on the couch ]
Janet Jackson V/O: Oh, look! There we are, altogether. There’s me.. and Reebie.. and Jackie.. and Tito.. and Jermaine.. LaToya.. and Marlon.. and Randy.. and Michael..
[ camera cuts to an additional three children on the couch ]
Oh. Well.. we actually had three other siblings, and.. I don’t know their names, I.. never really talked to them, you know? They kind of freaked me out a little.
[ camera cuts to Jackson as a young girl sitting in an outdoor baby pool ]
Janet Jackson V/O: Oh! Here’s a really cute one, this is a really old one. Here I am, playing in the pool..
[ the strap of Jackson’s bathing suit top snaps, exposing her childlike bosom ]
[ cut back to Jackson at Home Base ]
Janet Jackson: It’s a little swimsuit malfunction.
We have a great show for you tonight. The musical guest is someone you’re really going to enjoy. Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Starkisha…..Finesse Mitchell Appreciante…..Maya Rudolph Escalante…..Janet Jackson White man…..Chris Parnell White woman…..Amy Poehler Black man…..Kenan Thompson Ticket Girl…..Rachel Dratch
Starkisha: ooh girl We gonna see us some Janet Jackson
Appreciante: Starkisha, you know Im her biggest FAN
Starkisha: girl please, Im her biggest fan cuz I got all her albums on cassette
(crowd pushing around)
Starkishia: Excuse YOU, no you didnt
White man: I am so sorry, so sorry the croud pushed me into you I promice it was an accident.
White woman: yes, even thought you cut in line, it was an accident
Starkisha: well, did the crowd make you grab my butt like that?
White man: excuse me I did no such thing honey she is lying!
Starkisha: I knew you could t resist because this bootie heree is a white-boys magnent
Appreciante: uh oh, Say your Name
Starkisha: (Singing) “I say my name is StarkishaMy booties soft to touch the girls think Im janet ‘cuz they like to miss me muchthey miss me mu-u-uch.”
Appreciante & Starkisha: (singing) “I Can miss you much!” (doing the dance rutine from Miss U Much viedo)
Appreciante & Starkisha: ooh ooh we next we next
Ticket girl: Next please.
Starkisha: 3 tickets to see Janet Jackson please
Ticket girl: Im sorry the upper level seats are SOLD OUT.
Starkisha: What makes you think we want to sit in the upper level seats?
Appreciante: Thats raticial.
Ticket girl: We do have floor seats still avalible. 5th row center
Starkisha: oh no 5th row Appreciante uuuuuuuuh uuuuuuuuuuuh (high fiving)
Appreciante: How much are doze?
Ticket girl: uhh 250 dollars a piece.
Starkisha: come here- (ticket girl comes close to the window Starkishia smacks it) two hundred and fiffy dollars. Girl you must be on crack. Now for two fiffy I better see Janet, Michael, Tito, Reebie, LaToya, Samuel L. Jackson better be on the drums and Rev Jessie Jackson better be shaken a tamboreen. Cuz all I’m gonna give you is an Andrew Jackson. What you got for that?
Escalante: Hey yall, wassup wassup wassup?
Starkisha & Appreciante: Hey Escalante wassup?
Escalante: we at the front of the line already
White man: (raises hands in the air) aruggggg
Starkisha: Escalante now where have you been cuz it dont take that long to park no car?
Escalante: Awe girl, I know. I saw Travis and he wuz followin me. So I had to drive arroun until I lost him
White woman: gosh. Is Travis an ex-boyfriend that is stalking you or something? I-I had one of those
Escalante: No Travis is the repo man trying to take my 92 centra, and Stay out my businessO K (pause) We get some tickets yet? We Get some tickets, y’all?
White man: uh, NO They havent
Escalante: Well, Im gettn mine cuz I luz me some Janet! (singing Pleasure Principal) Pleasure principal Uhoooooooo Uhoooooooo HAAAAAAAY
Starkisha: hode up but hode up but hode up but the tickets are two fiffy dollas.
Escalante: You jokin, right, Janet did bumped her head if she think Escolantae gonna payn two fiffy. She ain’t all that.
Starkisha: SHE AIN’T ALL THAT!
Appreciante: Shore ain’t!
Escalante: you know I heard that she was seceretly had a baby and sold it to her brother Jackie.
Both: faareal
Escalante: I also heard she s secretly got married to Jermaine DuPree while she was still secretly married to that Riecko Suave man.
Both: oooh faareal
White Woman: oh really? is that true? That is so unbelieveable.
White man: honey dont
Escalante: and I also heard she took two aher ribs outta her waist just to make it smaller
Starkisha: Now that aint true.
Appreciante: I herd it too
White woman: yes that is true it is true I have heard that also
Escalante: I also heard that she and Michael are the same person
Starkisha: no see that would explane the ticket price (hit window)
White man: what about that super bowl incident? Thats ..
Starkisha: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (right up in the White man’s ear)
Escalante: WHO CARES!! I’m so tired of that
White man honey lets go we willjust get our tickest online
White woman: Sweetheart, please! I am hanging with my PEEPS
White man: (to the black man) Excuse me sir can you help us out?
Black man: Look no man, I dont know them.
White man: well um could you please ..
Black man: Look, no I am just as afraid of people like that as you are.
White man: allright ok fine. Fine. Fine.
Escalante: I’m leavin she aint all that Janet aint all that She is Trippin
Starkisha: SHE IS TRIPPEN!!
Appreciante: TRRRIIIPPPEN!
Passerby: Ive got one ticket back row 20 bucks
Starkisha, Escalante, Appreciante: ooh give me that ticket (all running after the man yelling)
Florida…..Kenan Thompson JJ…..J.B. Smoove Thelma…..Maya Rudolph Michael…..Finesse Mitchell Bookman…..Tracy Morgan Penny…..Janet Jackson Willona…..Maya Rudolph Dick Whiteman…..Chris Parnell
[A shortened version of the “Good Times” intro plays, fades into scene with family in living room ]
Michael: Mama, did you know that Malcolm X said that all of us are black first, and everything else second?
Florida: Michael Evans, you are behind on your chores first, and about to get whooped second.
[knock on door]
Thelma: I got it, ma.
JJ: Careful, Thelma. It might be the dogcatcher. Ha-ha-ha. Dy-No-Myte!
[Thelma answers the door to reveal Bookman]
Thelma: Can I help you, Bookman?
Bookman: I need your rent. Oh, is that cornbread I smell? That sure would go good with this chili.
Thelma: Would it go with the buffalo meat from your buffalo butt?
Florida: Now Thelma, behave. I have the rent money right here…..[reaches to box over the refrigerator, and finds box empty] What! Oh my goodness! What happened to the rent money?
[canned audience groaning]
Thelma: Ma, we know you was worried about money. So JJ had the idea that we should use what we had to buy a bunch of lottery tickets.
Florida: What?!
Thelma: I should have known it was a stupid idea when I heard it coming out of JJ’s fat mouth!
[Thelma cries and runs out of room]
JJ: I’m telling you mama, the lottery is our ticket out of the ghet-to, and into the lim-o. [ shows Florida a string of green lottery tickets ] Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Bookman: Yeah? Well you better have that money by 5:00, or you’re gonna be evicted. [exits]
Florida: Damn. Damn! Damn!!
Penny: [enters room] Hi, Mrs. Evans.
Florida: Oh hello Penny. How was school?
Penny: Well, we actually didn’t have school today. See, they ran out of books and my teacher got stabbed. Hey, Michael got a letter from the scholarship committee. Open it, Michael.
[Michael opens envelope]
Michael: Mama, I got it. A full scholarship to attend the St. Bartholomew’s school for boys.
Florida: OH! Hallelujah! That’s some good news! [kisses portrait of black Jesus; it falls, but Florida catches it and puts it on top of the refrigerator] I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m so proud of you baby. Mm-mm-mm. [ Spots Penny getting crackers from a box on the kitchen table] Penny, what are you up to over there?
Penny: I was just getting some crackers for my new pet, Mr. Stinky.
[Penny pulls out a giant, obviously fake rat]
Penny: I found him in the bed last night. Do you think that Willona will let me keep him?
Florida: Penny, there are rats in your bed?
[Willona enters]
Willona: I had a rat in my bed last night, but he was 6 foot tall with a moustache.
Michael: Did you have a date last night, Willona?
Willona: I sure did, Grandpa. He’s a bus driver for the CTA, and believe me he wanted to C some T and A. But I told him this was my stop! [Laughs, then takes off her glasses, revealing a bruised eye, as her voice breaks in sadness] And then he hit me.
Florida: Oh, Willona. [picks up casserole] Damn. Damn! Damn!! [throws it to the ground and picks it up]
[Bookman enters]
Bookman: Where did I leave my- Michael, don’t eat my chili.
Michael: Dr. King says we must all share our chilis like brothers.
Bookman: I’m serious, Michael, don’t eat it….It’s dog food.
Willona: Bookman, you’re eating dog food?
Bookman: I spend all my pay on my wife’s diabetes medicine. [ seriously ] Now y’all better start.. packing, or y’all gonna be living in the dog house.
Michael: Don’t worry momma. Once I graduate from St. Bartholomew’s school, I’ll run for president, and you can come live with me in the Black House. [gives the black power salute]
[applause, knock on door]
Florida: Oh, I’ll get it.
Dick Whiteman: Are you Mrs. Evans?
Florida: Well yes, I’m Florida Evans.
Dick Whiteman: I’m Dick Whiteman from the St. Bartholomew’s school. We’ve been looking over Michael’s file, and I’m afraid that we’re going to withdraw his scholarship.
Florida: [gasp] Why on earth?!
Dick Whiteman: It seems Michael checked out a book from the library about a Malcolm 10. And it’s 3 days overdue. We simply can’t have people like that at our school.
Florida: W-wait. What if I were to offer you —
Dick Whiteman: I’m sorry. If he were white, I could overlook it. Goodbye.
[Florida rubs picture of black Jesus]
Florida: Oh lord. We need a miracle now.
JJ: Hey momma, our lottery numbers came in. We just won $50,000!
[all cheer]
Florida: Oh, praise the lord. Where’s that lottery ticket?
[shows rat in front of small pieces of paper]
Penny: Oh no. Mr. Stinky ate the lottery ticket.
Florida: What-wha…
Penny: Oh please don’t get mad at him. He’s my only friend.
[rat squeaks, collapses, and dies]
Penny: Oh no! [ picks up dead rat ]
JJ: Would this-a be a bad time to tell y’all I got sickle cell?
[scene quickly cuts to the “Good Times” card as the reprise of the opening theme plays] [fade out]
Janet Jackson: [ giggling ] Thanks to Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan, and Simon Cowell. You guys, this has been such a wonderful experience, and I hope you all enjoyed it. Thank you so much. Good night!
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan Natalie Logan…..Janet Jackson Robert Graham…..Will Forte
[open on illustrated map with stop-motion animated animals]
Musical Voice Over: He loves animals and they love him back. / Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, Mac. / Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
[title on illustrated map: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]
[dissolve to Brian Fellow interracting with stop-motion animated animals in an illustrated jungle setting]
Voice Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold a degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves tonight on…
[title on illustrated jungle setting: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]
Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!
[dissolve to Brian Fellow in studio]
Brian: [waves enthusiastically to audience] Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. Tonight, we’re going to meet some animals that make us smile when you see them. And I’m very excited about smiling. So let’s get going. Our first guest likes to climb trees and get hit by cars. Please welcome a squirrel!
[Natalie Logan enters and sits, and an assistant places a caged squirrel on the table in front of her]
Brian: And who are you?
Natalie: I am Natalie Logan and I work for the Parks Department in Galveston, Texas.
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Natalie: I’d like for you to meet Rufus.
Brian: I like your hat, Rufus.
Natalie: Well, thank you. But I’m Natalie, and the squirrel is Rufus.
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow!
Natalie: Hello, Brian Fellow.
Brian: That quirrel looks dirty.
Natalie: It’s his coloration. It helps him to blend in with his environment and protects him from animals that hunt squirrels.
Brian: He should use his fuzzy tail as a mustache. Then everyone would think he’s a old man.
Natalie: That’s an interesting idea.
Brian: I don’t need your charity!
Natalie: His tail is very important because it helps him to fly.
Brian: He flies? That’s crazy!
Natalie: Well, actually, it’s not. That’s because he’s a flying squirrel.
Brian: Was that squirrel afraid to fly after 9/11?
Natalie: No, I don’t think he knew about that.
Brian: It was in all the papers.
Natalie: He’s a squirrel. He doesn’t read the paper.
Brian: Well, he should because knowledge is the cornerstone of all democracy.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Brian: I honestly don’t know. You look cute in that hat, Rufus.
Natalie: Well, thank you, but my name is Natalie.
Brian: So that’s a flying squirrel, right?
Natalie: Yes.
Brian: Why don’t me and you jump on that squirrel and go down to Mexico and go hat shopping together?
Natalie: The squirrel can’t fly that far. Technically, he glides more than he flies.
Brian: Oh, I get it. You think you’re too good for me.
Natalie: No, I didn’t say that.
Brian: I offered you my heart and you spat on it, Rufus.
Natalie: You don’t even know my name.
Brian: Forget it. Take your rat and go.
[Natalie stands and exits, and the assistant removes the cage]
Brian: I am so, so, so sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. Someone’s gonna get fired over that booking. My next guest likes to chew on bones and lick himself. Please welcome a French poodle!
[Robert Graham enters with a French poodle and sits]
Brian: Hey, who are you?
Robert: I’m Robert Graham from the Blacksmith Kennel in Glendale, California.
Brian: I’m Brian Fellow.
Robert: Hi Brian. I’d like you meet Jasmine.
Brian: That’s the biggest cat I ever seen.
Robert: Actually, he’s not the biggest cat you’ve ever seen, because he’s a dog.
Brian: He’s a dog? That’s crazy! He looks fruity.
Robert: Well, I wouldn’t say that. Actually, the male French poodle is one of the most aggressive, masculine dogs.
Brian: Well, it’s always the ones you least expect.
Robert: I guess.
Brian: Excuse me, why does that French dog hate America so much?
Robert: I don’t think he hates America.
Brian: You and that squirrel need to read the paper. If it wasn’t for us, that dog would be barking in German.
Robert: Okay. Well, I’m proud to announce that last week Jasmine won three medals at the prestigious Ventura Dog Show.
Brian: Do they have special Olympics for animals?
Robert: I don’t think so.
Brian: If they did, my goldfish Larry would win. Larry’s not smart, but he tries real hard.
Robert: I bet he does.
Brian: As we all know, the French poodle first came to favor in the court of Louis XIV.
Robert: That’s absolutely right. They were selectively bred for the purpose of creating a regal…
[dissolve to Brian’s thought bubble]
Natalie: [riding on a large flying squirrel] Hey, Brian Fellow, I changed my mind! Come with me to Mexico and we’ll go shopping for hats!
[dissolve to studio]
Brian: Are you serious?! Are you serious?!
Robert: Yes, I’m serious. Poodles were once used to find truffles!
[dissolve to Brian’s thought bubble]
Natalie: I think you’re smart, Brian Fellow!
Brian and Natalie: [singing] Up, up and away on my beautiful, my beautiful squirrel!
Natalie: [laughing] Don’t sing Brian, don’t sing.
Brian: Okay.
Natalie: Do you want coffee, tea, or me.
Brian: Shoot, I’ll have a coffee and six sugars.
Natalie: Ooh, I love you, Brian Fellow.
Brian: And I love your hat, Rufus. Kiss me! [puckers lips]
[dissolve to studio, where Brian is puckering his lips at Brian]
Robert: You’re making me uncomfortable. I think I’m gonna leave.
Brian: Well, I’m going to have to stop you right there, because we are out of time. Join us next week when our guests will be a spotted and and his cousin, a spotted ape. That sounds crazy! I’m Brian Fellow!
[title: “Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet”]
Musical Voice Over: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s…Safari Planet!
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Horatio Sanz …..Tracy Morgan …..Chris Kattan …..Simon Cowell
Don Pardo: And now a special Easter treat from Saturday Night Live.
(Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, Tracy Morgan, and Chris Kattan step out from behind Easter eggs)
Horatio Sanz: One
Jimmy Fallon: Two
Horatio Sanz: One
Jimmy Fallon: Two
Horatio Sanz: Three
Jimmy Fallon: Four
Horatio Sanz: (music starts) I don’t care that tomorrow is Easter Christmas is number one. I don’t care about colored eggs Christmas toys are more fun. I don’t care about marshmallow peeps The Cadbury bunny gives me the creeps. I wish it was Christmas today 262 days away. (music stops)
Jimmy Fallon: Well, What do you think?
Simon Cowell: Absolutely awful! It was truely atrocious, and I’m at a loss for words.
Chris Kattan: Hey, that’s mean, we’re just singing about Christmas.
Simon Cowell: That’s exactly my point. Why are you singing about Christmas in the middle of April? And you, what do you do exactly?
Chris Kattan: Me? I go like this. (shakes head back and forth)
Simon Cowell: Whoopie! I’d rather let William Hung lick honey off my nipples than listen to you lot for another second. And he’s offered.
Tracy Morgan: I’m gonna kick this dude’s ass!
Jimmy Fallon: No! Hold up, Tracy.
Tracy Morgan: Hey man if you think you’re so hot, why don’t you get up here and try?
Simon Cowell: Do you honestly think that I would want to join your sorry little combo? Are you serious?
Jimmy Fallon: Come on Simon, You know you wanna.
Simon Cowell: No, no I don’t.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, you do.
Simon Cowell: No, I don’t.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, ya do.
Simon Cowell: Yes, I would actually. I’d actually like that very much. Do you know no one’s ever given me the chance. I’ve never actually been included in anything.
Horatio Sanz: Is that why you’re such a jerk?
Simon Cowell: Well, that’s what my therapist says.
Jimmy Fallon: Well come on up here man. Come on up!
Simon Cowell: Well, I did bring my maracas.
Tracy Morgan: You gotta get more color in your wardrobe, those black t-shirts are bringing you down. (Hands Simon a pink sweater) Drop this like it’s hot.
Horatio Sanz: You ready, Simon?
Simon Cowell: Yeah.
Horatio Sanz: One.
Jimmy Fallon: Two.
Horatio Sanz: One.
Jimmy Fallon: Two.
Horatio Sanz: Three.
Jimmy Fallon: Four.
Horatio Sanz: (music starts) I don’t care what your mama says Christmas is full of cheer. I don’t care what your daddy says Christmas will soon be here. I don’t care if you think you’re so cool Working with that black dude and Paula Abdul.
All: I wish it was Christmas today I wish it was Christmas today.
[ dissolve to interior, corking room, as Giuseppe enters with tour group]
Giuseppe: Right this way, folks. You’re now entering.. the corking room. This is where.. the final step in the bottling process happens – where we prepare all the corks for all the bottles of Brunello that you saw earlier.
Marcello: Any questions? [ a hand is raised ] Yes?
Female Tourist: I’ve always actually wondered about that. How do you cork the bottles?
Marcello: Excellent-a question, ma bella. As you can see, we are -asoaking all of the corks in this room right now. These three guys right here are some of the most talented cork soakers! Say hello, you all cork soakers!
[ the three cork soakers turn around and wave happily to the tour group ]
Male Tourist: Now, I’m curious – how does one become a cork soaker.
Giuseppe: As we-a like-a to say, “Cork soakers are born, not made.”
Marcello: Yeah. Luigi here was simply born to soak cork! Come say hi, Luigi!
Luigi: I love-a soaking the cork! I could-a soak the cork all night long, if they let me! I want to-a soak two corks at once!
Female Tourist: So.. are all corks the same?
Marcello: No, no, no..
Cork Soaker #1: I like-a to soak the big-a, thick-a corks!
Luigi: I like-a the long-a, skinny ones.
Cork Soaker #2: I like-a the dark-a ones.
Giuseppe: The great-a thing about the cork soaking, is that while you are-a soaking the cork, you can also.. massage-a the grapes, until the cork is ready. [ holds up a bunch of grapes ]
Marcello: That’s right.
Female Tourist: [ stumbling, on the verge of cracking up ] So, how did you learn to sork.. corks — suck — soak corks?
Marcello: You know, I’ll never forget the first time I soaked-a cork. I was fifteen, in-a summer camp.
Female Tourist: You know, I’ve noticed that all the cork soakers are men. Do women make good soakers?
Giuseppe: Oh, yes! Yes! Monica, Carmella – come in here!
Marcello: Come in here.
[ Monica and Carmella enter scene ]
Giuseppe: Monica.. tell-a these-a nice-a people.. how you soak the cork.
Monica: Well, ever since I started soaking cork, I’m the most popular girl in school!
Marcello: It’s-a true – men come-a from all over just to watch her soak a cork. And Grandma Carmella still-a soaking cork at age 87! I got ot say that, too!
Carmella: [ speaking with her gums ] It’s crazy! Ever since I lost my teeth, people tell me I soak the cork better than ever!
Female Tourist: Wow, this soaking corks really seems like a family business. So.. does your wife like soaking.. [ laughing ] ..s-s-soaking cork?
Marcello: Well.. she used to, when we were dating. Now, not so much.
Male Tourist: Um.. could you teach me how to soak cork?
Giuseppe: You know.. when-a you walked in here.. I could-a sworn you already an expert cork soaker!
Male Tourist: [ flattered ] Thank you! I dabbled in college. Um.. but, let me ask you this – do you ever run out of corks to soak?
Marcello: Oh, yeah, I’ll never forget this one that was unusually large. And I thought Giuseppe would need extra cork.
Giuseppe: And I thought Marcello would need more corks.
Marcello: So we soaked-a each other’s corks at the same time! [ to Giuseppe ] Do you remember that?
Giuseppe: Can you imagine that? Me-a soaking his cork.. while-a he soaked mine?
Marcello: Oh, boy!
Giuseppe: What year was that?
Marcello: The year we soaked each other’s corks?
Giuseppe: Yes.
Marcello: That-a was, what.. that was like, sixty.. late 60’s, right?
Giuseppe: Yes.
Marcello: Sixty.. eight?
Giuseppe: I-a wanted to say.. 70.
Marcello: No.. you sure it wasn’t one earlier than that?
Giuseppe: It was sometime or other..
Marcello: Let’s just say between 68 and 70, alright?
Female Tourist: This is all really so fascinating. So, do you think that one of you could teach me how to soak.. soak.. [ laughing ] ..s-s-soak corks?
[ the cork soakers cheer excitedly, each rallying to be the one to teach the beautfiul tourist the art of their craft ]
Giuseppe: Oh, I’m sorry. Come with me, ma bella. I will let you soak-a my cork as long as you like!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 29: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 10th, 2004 Janet Jackson Janet Jackson None Tracy Morgan Chris Kattan Simon Cowell9/11 BriefingSummary: Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) briefs Condoleeza Rice (Janet Jackson) on her 9/11 hearing, and convinces her to flash a boob to take off some of the heat. Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice. Transcript
Montage
Janet Jackson’s MonologueSummary: Janet Jackson’s home movies from her childhood prove she had a normal upbringing. Also Appeared: 93t Transcript
Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) imagines having a tryst with an attractive zookeeper (Janet Jackson). Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow. Transcript
Janet Jackson Concert LineSummary: Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) and her peeps wait in line for tickets. Recurring Characters: Starkisha, Appreciante. Transcript
An Easter Treat From Saturday Night LiveSummary: Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan bring their ditty yet back again. Though Simon Cowell objects to a Christmas song being sung in April, he agrees to join in on maracas. Note: Simon Cowell was asked to host the episode, but he wasn’t interested. He would only agree to making a guest appearance. Transcript
Janet Jackson performs “All Nite (Don’t Stop)”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Off-the-record, Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) tells the truth of her pre-9/11 knowledge. Kevin Eubanks (Finesse Mitchell) laughs at Tina Fey’s joke about Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon sings a faux James Bond theme song. Recurring Characters: Condoleeza Rice. Transcript
The Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) makes Paula Abdul (Janet Jackson) pose for a painting. Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce Knowles. Transcript
Cork SoakersSummary: Expert cork soakers (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz) discuss their craft with doulbe entendres. Transcript
Janet Jackson performs “Strawberry Bounce”
Good TimesSummary: An amalgam of episodes focuses on the Evans family’s hopes for a huge lottery payoff. Transcript
Boom BoomerSummary: Drug-induced paranoia makes the game more fun.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents a cartoon about Donald Trump. Note: This cartoon was also cut last week when Donald Trump hosted.
The SleepoverSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites the most popular girl (Janet Jackson) at school over for a sleepover. Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.
ControlSummary: Advertising executives (Fred Armsien, Chris Parnell) want to use Janet Jackson’s song, “Control”, for an adult diaper commercial.
Boombox BarrySummary: Bombox Barry (Horatio Sanz) wanders the streets in search of Pedro.
Jayson WilliamsSummary: Jayson Williams (Finesse Mitchell) discusses his recent scandal with his lawyers. Note: This sketch was also cut from last week’s episode with Donald Trump.
[Cheap neon sign reads: TRUMP’S House of Wings. Thesynth-driven riff from the Pointer Sisters’ hit 1984pop song “Jump (For My Love)” is heard as we pull backand pan down to reveal real estate mogul Donald Trumpin a spectacularly awful all-yellow suit and tie. Hestands in front of a couple of diners and addressesthe camera.]
Donald Trump: Cock-a-doodle-doo, folks. I’mDonald Trump. … And there’s two things in the worldI love — a good deal and a good meal. So when I droveby a defunct Meineke Muffler Shop in Englewood, NewJersey … I knew what I hadda do! I hadda buy it onthe cheap and convert it into a restaurantspecializing in buffalo chicken wings. … So I did.And it’s the most important thing I’ve ever done in myentire life. … So, please, join me — at DonaldTrump’s House of Wings!
[Trump gestures and four dancers, wearing goofy yellowand white chickens-popping-out-of-eggshells costumes,boogie into view and join him. They gestureenergetically as they sing a parody of”Jump”:]
Dancing Chickens: [sing] Trump! You know our wings will make you happy! Trump in! You know our wings will fill you up! Trump! If you want a place with awesome chicken wings,yeah, Donald Trump’s House of Wings!
[The Donald, who has been dancin’ like the proverbialwhite man in the midst of all this, claps his handsand the chickens boogie backward out of view to hugecheers and applause. An impressed Trump pauses andnods acknowledgment to the crowd beforecontinuing:]
Donald Trump: Am I saying I’m a chicken wingexpert? No. But I can tell you this — the wing ishands down the best part of the chicken. Betterthan the head. Better than the torso. Better than theback! And at Donald Trump’s House of Wings, youcan get them with five different levels of hotness –Regular, Hot, Three Alarm, Suicidal — and Hell Spawn![Each level is illustrated with a photo of Trump:”Smiling;” “Smiling but Red-Faced;” “Red-Faced andWearing a Fireman’s Helmet with Cheeks Puffed Out;””Horned Goateed Red-Faced Devil with Cheeks PuffedOut;” and “Red-Faced with Eyes Bulging, TongueSticking Out and Steam Coming Out of Ears.”] … And,if you like celery, congratulations! It’s on thehouse. …
[Dancing chickens return. Trump claps, pumps a fist inthe air and bobs in place arrhythmically.]
Dancing Chickens: [sing] Trump! You know our wings come with free celery! Trump in! You know these veggies are good for you! Trump! If you want bleu cheese, there’ll be a dollarextra! Donald Trump’s House of Wings!
[Trump claps his hands and the chickens boogiebackward out of view, once again, to huge cheers andapplause.]
Donald Trump: Donald Trump’s House of Wings ishands down the best wing restaurant in NewJersey. If you don’t believe me, ask my good friend,rock ‘n’ roll legend David Crosby.
[Synth riff fades out as white-haired, cherubic DavidCrosby enters with an acoustic guitar.]
David Crosby: Hey, Donny, man! When I’m notsmokin’ weed, firin’ guns or throwing my sperm aroundthe lesbian community … I’m wolfin’ down wings asfast as they can hack ’em off them little bastards!…
Donald Trump: Hey, listen, listen. That wasn’tin the script. You’re not supposed to be talking likethat. That’s not right.
David Crosby: Oh, sorry, Donny, man.
Donald Trump: Take it easy.
David Crosby: Well, I call ’em like I sees’em!
Donald Trump: Yeah, take it easy.
David Crosby: But I will say this about yourplace, Donald Trump. [strums guitar, sings a slightly altered line from the1970 Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song, “OurHouse”] His house is a very, very, very fine house– [spoken with enthusiasm] — of Wings! … Ha ha! Alrighty, I’mout of here! [pulls out a handgun and a plastic bag ofmarijuana] Hey, can you hold these for me? [tries tohand these to Trump]
Donald Trump: [pushes them away in disgust] I’mnot gonna touch ’em. [tries to push Crosby offstage]Get out of here. Come on, get out.
David Crosby: [laughs] All right. [waves intothe camera] Hey! Take it easy, Trumpy!
[Applause as David Crosby exits and the synth riffreturns.]
Donald Trump: [shakes his head, disgusted withCrosby] Terrible! [continues, to camera] To all youpeople out there — stop by and enjoy! And to all youchickens — You’re fry-ered! … [looks around,shakes his head again, disgusted at the corny joke onhis signature “You’re fired” line] I don’t like that.Come on, get the dancers back.
[Trump waves for the chickens and they return for afunky grand finale.]
Dancing Chickens: [sing] Trump! You know our wings will make you happy! Trump in! You know our wings will fill you up! Trump! If you want a place with awesome chicken wings,yeah, Donald Trump’s House of Wings!
[Huge cheers and applause as we cut to the House ofWings logo and then see a map of Englewood, New Jerseywith the logo — as well as the logos of Trump’s localcompetitors.]
Announcer V/O: Donald Trump’s House of Wings –off Route 13, right next to Al Sharpton’s Casa deSushi. If you pass Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole, you’vegone too far.
Announcer: Live from Mar-A-Lago, the number one luxury resort in the entire country, it’s the classiest late night news segment on tv – Weekend “Trump”date, with Jimmy Fallon and the beautiful Miss Tina Fey.
[Tina is dressed as a beauty contest contestant, and Jimmy is dressed similar to Donald Trump. The setting is covered with grey colored bricks and a fountain in the center]
Tina Fey: Good evening. I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: And I’m James Thomas Fallon. Welcome to Donald Trump’s all-new Weekend “Trump”date.
Tina Fey: Jimmy, this is ridiculous. This is gross. I can’t do this.
Jimmy Fallon: Now come on, Tina. Don’t screw this up for me. He told me I can get a free helicopter ride if I do this.
Tina Fey: No. I don’t wanna do this. Just forget it. I’m not wearing these. It’s over, all right? We’re going to back to the original way. The usual way that we do it.
[Original intro starts running]
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update” with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.
[both change into their usual clothes, and usual set is shown]
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And here are tonight’s top stories…
In an interview with “Time” magazine, John Kerry, who would be the second catholic president if elected, said that he would not be influenced by the Vatican, adding “we have a separation of church and state in this country,” to which president Bush responded “oh snap, we do?”
Michael Jackson went to capitol hill Tuesday, but the congressional black caucus refused to meet with him. Instead, Jackson was able to meet with the wax tranny caucus.
Jimmy Fallon: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have announced plants to shoot a reality show. The show will begin production as soon as the couple figures out what reality is.
The embezzlement and fraud case against former Tyco chairman, Dennis Kozlowski, was declared a mistrial this week. Kozlowski will use the time until his next trial to return to his other job – as the lead singer of Midnight Oil.
Tina Fey: Radio Flyer Incorporated, the maker of the little red wagon, is closing their Chicago plant, and outsourcing their production to China. On the plus side, the wagons will be made for kids, by kids.
According to the FBI, terrorist might try to enter the United States by tagging along with foreign sports teams, or joining the entourages of famous performers. You know, I thought that Ace of Base reunion sounded a little fishy.
Jimmy Fallon: Singer Norah Jones turned 25 on Tuesday, her fans turned 50.
On Monday, a judge tossed out a lawsuit charging that the Walt Disneycorporation had cheated that the owner to the rights of Winnie the Pooh out of royalties. Sadly, Winnie the Pooh himself, died penniless, suffering from a honey induced diabetes.
Tina Fey: Actor Jason Patric was arrested on misdemeanor charges on public intoxication and resisting arrest Monday, after he showed a police officer. Police were heard yelling “Freeze! Put your hands on your head, and please tell me what movie you were in. It’s driving me crazy!”
Jimmy Fallon: A new study shows that when alcohol consumption in and around the workplace increases, so does the risk of sexual harassment among co-workers –
Tina Fey: Hello. Jimmy Fallon. This is my hotel key. These are my panties. Be there in 10 minutes, or I’ll kill you. I will kill you.
Jimmy Fallon: You gotta get your act together.
Tina Fey: I really do.
Jimmy Fallon: Gosh.
Heavy gunfire broke out in the Congo capitol of Kinshasa , for the first time since the war broke out last spring. Among the casualties – 5 rebels, 2 government troops, and 6 tarzans.
Tina Fey: Police in Illinois are looking for a 75 year-old woman, who gets around whit a cane and a portable oxygen cart, because she’s accused of scamming car dealers by bouncing checks. Officials say that by now, the old lady could be anywhere within an 8-foot radius.
It was reported that on her upcoming tour, Madonna will include a dance number that will re-enact battle scenes to illustrate the tragedy of war. Madonna will also wear a camouflage bikini top to illustrate the tragedy of time.
Jimmy Fallon: Asian-American groups are upset with the newest issue of “Details” magazine, which features an article asking readers to determine whether the man pictured is gay or Asian. Worse, it’s a picture of Angelica Huston.
[knock on Update door]
Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think someone’s at the update door.
Tina Fey: Okay. I wonder who that could be. Oh, it’s fired “Apprentice” contestant, Omarosa, everybody.
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Where is Mr. Trump? Where’s Donald at? I need to converse with him briefly.
Tina Fey: Donald is not here at the moment, is there something “we” could help you with, Omarosa?
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: First of all, I’d like you to address me by my full name – Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. And not by my first name, which is disrespectful, because I am a proud African-American woman.
Tina Fey: Okay, sure. Mrs. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth.
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Thank you, Tina Fey. I came here tonight because I feel that I was misrepresented on the television program, “The Apprentice.” And I’d really like to tell my side of the story.
Tina Fey: Sure, let’s hear it. Yeah.
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Tina Fey, let me just say for the record, that Mr. Trump…is a fool. For he should have named me the apprentice. You see, I am a leader, and a strong Nubian woman. Whose strength is only rivaled by the Bionic Man or The Rock. I didn’t get into this business by being a wimp. And I’m not ever gonna let anything beat me down.
[a small piece of plaster from the ceiling, falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Not again! A piece of plaster has fallen on my head!
Tina Fey: Oh boy. Mrs. Manigault-Stallworth, are you okay?
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Oh my God, the pain! I’ve got yet another concussion! I’m sure of it!
Tina Fey: Come on, it was just a little piece of plaster. You’re tough. You can get through that.
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Tina Fey, I think it is appalling, that we should be expected to work inside this television stu-jo, and not be provided hard hits.
Tina Fey: Har- oh hard hats. Oh.
[a giant piece of plaster falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ahhhhh-hhhhhh!
Tina Fey: That one was bigger.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, that looked like it might have hurt. That piece was way bigger, that one.
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Oh Jimmy Fallon, I know you did not just call me the “N” word.
Jimmy Fallon: No, no. I said it’s bigger. It’s bigger.
[a hanging spotlight falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ohhhhhhhh! My jewelry!
Jimmy Fallon: This is strange. It seems like things are only falling on Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth’s head. It’s just weird.
[a large pizza falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Hey!
Tina Fey: A whole pizza? Pizza, that is weird.
Jimmy Fallon: That’s probably why it didn’t hurt as much as the other stuff. That’s not that bad.
[a bowling ball falls on Omarosa’s head, then bounces off her head, hitting Jimmy’s shoulder]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ooooooohh.
Tina Fey: Look at that – a bowling ball.
Jimmy Fallon: That hurt me too a little bit.
Tina Fey: A little bit?
Jimmy Fallon: That hurt.
[a cake falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ooooo!
Tina Fey: Was that birthday cake?
Jimmy Fallon: Birthday cake. Happy birthday I guess?
[a thick book falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Ohhhhhhh!
Tina Fey: A dictionary?
Jimmy Fallon: Well at least that was an abridged version of the dictionary. I mean it’s not like –
[an even larger book falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Owww!
Tina Fey: There’s the abridged dictionary. The abridged dictionary.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah that’s the other bridge.
[a fax machine falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: OHH-ahhhhhhhhh!!
Tina Fey: A fax machine.
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, you know, I’m kind of liking this now.
[garbage falls on Omarosa’s head]
Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth: Eewwww!
Tina Fey: Uh oh.
Jimmy Fallon: What? Uh oh! Oh no!
[a giant wastebasket falls on Omarosa’s head, then she collapses]
Tina Fey: Oh my gosh. That is crazy, all right. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, everyone.
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Air Date:
