Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

20/20

Barbara Walters…..Rachel Dratch
Martha Stewart…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: We now return to “20/20” – Barbara Walters’ exclusive interview with Martha Stewart.

[ dissolve to Barbara Walters interviewing Martha Stewart ]

Barbara Walters: Martha, why do you think everyone hates you?

Martha Stewart: I don’t think people hate me. They may envy my lifestyle..

Barbara Walters: Oh no, no, Martha.. [ in a whisper ] People hate you!

Martha Stewart: I think the people you think hate me don’t actually know me. They have —

Barbara Walters: [ interrupting ] Ohhhhh, they know you – and they hate you! I’m not just talking about your employees, either. Your mother.. your daughter.. the paperboy.. that cameraman over there. [ points to Martha’s cameraman ]

Martha Stewart: [ looks directly into the camera ] Do you hate me? [ camera nods “Yes” ]

Barbara Walters: Everyone says you are a real.. “piece of work!”

Martha Stewart: Well, Barbara.. calling someone a “piece of work” is different from hating them.

Barbara Walters: Hmmm.. I was paraphrasing, Martha. The people we spoke to did use the word “Hate”! As well as the words “She-Devil”, “Control Freak”, “Screw”, “Fiend”, “Harpee”, and “Darth Vadar With Highlights.” One person went so far as to call you a real “C U Next Tuesday.”

Martha Stewart: [ confused ] I.. I don’t know what that expression means..

Barbara Walters: It’s not good. Believe me! They also called you “Demon Spawn”, “Bee-otch”, “Castrating Whoreball”, “Conniving Monster”, “A greedy old hag”, “A heartless egomaniac”, “an ass ache”, and one person called you a “Full-Blown Loonie Bird!”

Martha Stewart: Barbara, if I were a man.. people would be applauding my behavior, not trying to put me in jail.

Barbara Walters: If you were a man.. I’d be all over you like butter on beans! But you are not a man! You are a woman. And a hateful one at that. Described by some as: “A tyrannical bully”.. “A Poor Man’s Eva Braun”.. “A N utcracker”.. “A Nutbuster“.. “A Screaming Banshee”.. “The Blonde Medusa”.. and, in an open letter from your shareholders in the Wall Street Journal —

Martha Stewart: Please don’t read that, Martha. I’m crying now. You’re making me cry.

Barbara Walters: [ ignoring Martha ] They call you, possibly the most hateful expletive I’ve ever seen.. in print.

Martha Stewart: Barbara, I’m weeping right now. I’m weeping, you’re making me cry.. I’m very, very emotional.

Barbara Walters: They say: “We wish Martha Stewart would jump off her own “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


November 8th, 2003

Andy Roddick

Dave Matthews

John McEnroe

Trey Anastasio
20/20Summary: Barbara Walters (Rachel Dratch) teases Martha Stewart (Amy Poehler) during interview.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Martha Stewart.

Note: In dress rehearsal, Darrell Hammond and Maya Rudolph opened the show with a parody of CBS’ banned mini-series, “The Reagans.”

Transcript

Montage

Andy Roddick’s MonologueSummary: Inexperienced Andy Roddick is interrupted by Andre 3000.

Bio: Tennis star Andy Roddick (1982-) turned professional in 2000, and won his first Grand Slam title at the 2003 US Open.

CryogenixSummary: People have their heads frozen now, in preparation of the cures that will come in the future.

Transcript

Z-105 Morning CrewSummary: Multi-voiced Joey Mack (Jimmy Fallon) gives Andy Roddick a hard time during their interview.

Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.

Transcript

Battle Of The Sexes IISummary: An aged Billie Jean King (Fred Armisen) challenges younger Andy Roddick to an all-out match.

Transcript

Mrs. DalrympleSummary: A proper British nanny (Rachel Dratch) watches over a rowdy teenager (Andy Roddick). After the sketch, Chris Parnell and John McEnroe comment on Roddick’s performance.

Anderson Mellner Communications CelebrationSummary: Daryl Hall (Will Forte) and John Oates (Fred Armisen) distribute plaques to achieving employees.

From The AudienceSummary: Venus and Serena’s dad, John Williams (Kenan Thompson), wants to adopt Andy Roddick as his son.

Dave Matthews performs “Save Me”Bio: Dave Matthews (1967-), the vocalist and guitarist from Dave Matthews Band, released his own solo album in 2003.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) unveils the skeletons in his closet. Two-faced Rosie O’Donnell (Horatio Sanz) slaps Tina Fey, then makes Jimmy Fallon laugh.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Rosie O’Donnell.

Transcript

Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott JoplinSummary: Scott Joplin (Maya Rudolph) mocks Andre Agassi of the Past (Seth Meyers), Present (Roddick) and Future (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Scott Joplin.

Transcript

Merv The PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) hits on women at gynecologist’s (Andy Roddick) office.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

Transcript

Dave Matthew performs “So Damn Lucky”

Jock TalkSummary:

Action News 13Summary: Neverending musical cues hamper a breaking news broadcast.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts



SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey ]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

]]>

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
Jimmy Buffett…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Andre “Ice Cold” 3000.

Tina Fey: And I’m Big Boi. Here are tonight’s top stories. Well, two weeks after the California recall election, God has cast his vote.

(Graphic: fires) When asked to comment on the fires ravaging his state, governor elect Arnold Schwarzenegger said (in Arnold accent) “These fires are fantastic. I promised the people of California that my term would be nonstop action and excitement. We’re going to keep it coming. We’re going to have a huge earthquake, monsoons – we’re going to make California the number one action state in the country!”

Jimmy Fallon: That was great!

Siegfried announced Thursday that his partner Roy is continuing to recover. Apparently his condition has been upgraded from critical to fabulous.

Whitney Houston is releasing her first album of Christmas songs called “One Wish.” Houston’s one wish: more crack.

Tina Fey: Levi’s announced that they are redesigning their famous 501 jeans to compensate for the fact that Americans are getting heavier. The new design features roomier hips and thighs as well as the patented front butt technology.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, “People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea.”

Jimmy Fallon: After weeks of preparation, Sean P. Diddy Combs is set to compete in tomorrow’s New York City Marathon.

Tina Fey: Wow so P. Diddy is running the marathon huh? I wonder how that might play out?

(P. Diddy and other marathon runners appear in front of the set)

Guy: On your marks, get set — (shoots off gun)

(P. Diddy pulls out gun and shoots the guy)

Jimmy Fallon: Kinda like that – yeah. Almost just like that.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

While speaking at a Christian Youth Center in Dallas, President Bush said that religion helped him overcome his heavy drinking and rowdiness. But it was good old-fashioned Texas willpower that got him off the cocaine.

It has been reported that Britney Spears is now dating actor John Cusack. The two have a lot in common: she wants to pursue an acting career, and he wants to bone Britney Spears. Things were apparently going very well with the couple until Jeremy Piven demanded a supporting role.

Jimmy Fallon: After complaining about recurring headaches and nausea, Yankee coach Don Zimmer finally had his head examined on Thursday. (Graphic: Giant Jack-o-lantern)

Commenting on Condoleezza Rice’s role overseeing the situation in Iraq, President Bush said that her job was to quote “help unstuck things that may get stuck. That’s the best way to put it. She’s an unsticker.” Really? That’s the best way to put it? An “unsticker”? You’re the president, you can take a few more minutes if you feel – no? You’re going to go with unsticker? Alright. Condoleezza Rice: Unsticker.

Tina Fey: Well Halloween is over for most people. Here with her review on this year’s Halloween is Drunk Girl.

Drunk Girl: Hahahaha! Trick or Treat! Smell my feet you guys. This year I was Cat Woman – meow! Because all of my other costumes are currently being used as evidence. What are you guys dressed as? Local news blue’s clues, blue’s clues? Anyway, I thought this Halloween could be a lot better for a lot of reasons but then I forgot all of them but now I remember like two of them. Number one: there should be more variety in the treats people give to you. It’s always Snickers, and candy corn and Reese’s pieces peanut butter pieces, and of all the houses I went to, not one of them gave me a grilled cheese sandwich, which is what I really wanted. And I got to say something to Phil. Phil I’m sorry I didn’t come to your party but you didn’t call my cell phone – make sure you call the right number and (garbled) bottom line – you don’t even know me. I also got something to say to Jimmy. (climbs up on desk) Do you like m&m’s, Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: They’re my favorite actually.

Drunk Girl: Good. Cause I saved a bunch for you. (Unzips costume and spills candy all over the desk)

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. I think you forgot a blue one over there.

Drunk Girl: That’s not an m&m, Jimmy.

Tina Fey: Ewwwww! Drunk Girl, everyone! (Drunk Girl falls off desk)

Jimmy Fallon: Gary Turner, an Englishman, set a record for having 153 clothespins attached to his face. This explains his nickname “the human idiot”.

Rod Roddy, the announcer on the game show The Price is Right, famous for his line, “come on down,” passed away Monday. But I’d like to think that Rod Roddy is continuing to shout his signature phrase for all eternity, nestled warmly at the right hand of Satan.

Rod Roddy, dead this week at the age of ah – lets see 60 – (audience starts to shout out numbers) What? My brother-in-law says 64. Five? Four? What I can’t hear? I’m going to go with my wife and say 66. (ding ding ding) Yes I won! (Gets up and starts dancing around)

Tina Fey: Come on! That is a real guy! That’s a real guy that died. Come on.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry.

Tina Fey: The Lakers fined Kobe Bryant this week after he insulted teammate Shaquille O’Neal, calling him “child-like, unprofessional, selfish, fat and jealous.” Bryant then added, “and you know what else? Shaq couldn’t rape his way out of a wet paper bag!”

Jimmy Fallon: This week a video tape came to light documenting a lavish party in Sardinia thrown by the chairman of Tyco Dennis Koslowski, using over 2 million dollars in embezzled funds. Among the party’s many extravagances were dancers dressed like Roman Gods, a giant ice sculpture that dispensed vodka out of its penis, and perhaps strangest of all, a private one-hour concert by Jimmy Buffett for which he was paid a quarter of a million dollars. Here to offer an insiders perspective on the party, Jimmy Buffett, himself ladies and gentlemen.

Jimmy Buffett: Hey! How you doing Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Hey. How’s it going man? I’m doing all right. Good to see you. Uh.

Jimmy Buffett: Good to see you man.

Jimmy Fallon: It sounds like a lot of crazy stuff was going on at that party. You want to tell me about it?

Jimmy Buffett: Hey man, if that party was crazy, I don’t want to be sane. All the folks out there in parrot head nation know what I’m talking about. Sqwaack. Polly wants to party! Aww man but it was pretty nuts. In fact, I wrote a song about it. Check this out.

(Margaritaville)
“Got a call from my agent Marty
To play some rich dude’s party
In Sardinia, just farting around
Wasting 2 million dollars on exploding tittie cakes
Drinking vodka out of some ice sculpture’s prong
Some people say that we’re a bunch of creeps
They might be right, Jimmy
I repeat I was drinking vodka out of an ice sculpture’s prong.”

Jimmy Fallon: Come on, that doesn’t even fit. That didn’t even fit where it’s supposed to fit.

Jimmy Buffett: It’s vamp. You vamp.

Jimmy Fallon: It’s called vamp?

Jimmy Buffett: It’s called vamp. Man Jimmy, you gotta relax, bro. You gotta put your mind on the beach, my man. Key West! Ah man you got one hand on a frozen margarita, and the other one crammed down your paisley swim trunks.

Jimmy Fallon: See I don’t understand.

Jimmy Buffett: Just starring out at the ocean watching the dolphins play grab-ass with each other.

Jimmy Fallon: How do dolphins play grab-ass with each other?

Jimmy Buffett: Not now, bro bro.

Jimmy Fallon: When?

Jimmy Buffett: You wanna hear another song about this crazy party? Well hear you go.

Jimmy Fallon: You didn’t give me a chance to answer.

Jimmy Buffett:
(Margaritaville)
“Muscle dudes wearing togas
Getting high with Hulk Hogan
Putting jalapeño poppers up monkey’s ass
Wasting away in Sardinia
Woke up in a hot tub full of chile con carne
Some people say I was also pretty heavily drugged
Yes I was, Jimmy! I don’t remember a thing.”

Jimmy Fallon: That sounds awful. Well you probably — (Buffett does a flourish at the end of his song) You’re having a good time.

Jimmy Buffett: I call that the slide

Jimmy Fallon: What’s that called?

Jimmy Buffett: I call it the slide and pick

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah – nothing came out there but that’s alright

Jimmy Buffett: Again Jimmy, I know man. Listen, I don’t remember a lot of that party. A lot of really crazy stuff went down. Kinda passed out, but when I woke up, I had a tattoo of an eagle on the back of my scalp and someone had written a third song about the party on the back of my god damn head. Do you believe that?

Jimmy Fallon: You’re right, you’re right. I see it.

Jimmy Buffett: And luckily I read music you know.

Jimmy Fallon: Luckily you remembered it as well

Jimmy Buffett: They wrote it backwards so I can look in the mirror and go ‘oh hey, this is a good tune, this is a good tune’. So here it is. This is the third song.

Jimmy Fallon: Aren’t we lucky!

Jimmy Buffett:
(Margaritaville)
“Smoking a whole lot of feline laxatives
I threw a midget into a swimming pool
Some people say that he almost drowned
I think he may have, Jimmy.
Embezzling money is cool –“

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here. Jimmy Buffett, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Andre “Ice Cold” 3000.

Jimmy Tina Fey: And I’m Big Boi. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Adagio216

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Tressant Suprême

…..Kelly Ripa

Kelly Ripa: I’m always on the go. “Go, go go!” I’m up at 4:00 with the baby.. out the door at 6:00.. on the air at 9:00. And the crazy part is, I’m supposed to look good doing it. That’s why I use Tressant Suprême.

Tressant Suprême is this fantastic heat and mosturizing intensive hair color, with natural highlights and just a little bit of crack cocaine!

Yeah, I could pay hundreds of dollars to get highlights at a salon.. but how would that help me get through my fifteeneth time interviewing Melissa Joan Hart? It wouldn’t. [ intense ] That’s what the cocaine is for!

Why, just the other night, I was up at three in the morning cleaning my air conditioners, and my husband said, “Wow, babe! Your hair looks great! Come back to bed now, please. Please. I’m very worried about you.” And he was crying a little bit.. [ laughs sadistically ] And I love that it’s all natural – except for the crack cocaine part.

Tressant Suprême is so gentle.. I mean, I will highlight myhair three, four times a day, and it never gets dried up! Look how silky it is. See how it totally moves with me? God, I feel like dancing!

[ dancing ] Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah!

Oh, my God, I just had the most awesome idea for a movie! Somebody write this down!

People ask me: “How do you do it all? Work.. three kids.. a great marriage.” And I say, “Who the f-ck are you?! Get away from my limo!” And then I calm down, and I say, “Tressant Suprême. Try it.”

I’ll tell you one thing – I cannot do this much longer..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Spy Glass

Ian Gerrard…..Seth Meyer
Zoe Anderton…..Amy Poehler
Geri Halliwell…..Kelly Ripa
Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington…..Rachel Dratch
Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon

[open on harlequin blowing smoke cloud with title: “BBC America”]

Voice Over: You’re watching BBC America.

[dissolve to opening montage with title: “Spy Glass”]

[dissolve to studio, with Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Welcome to “Spy Glass,” English television’s top stop for gloss goss.

[titles: “Ian Gerrard,” “Zoe Anderton,” placed beneath the appropriate persons]

Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and I’m full of secrets. [lifts hand conspiratorially to mouth]

Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “A Royal Pain or The Butler Did It.” [graphic of Prince William and Paul Burrell at top left] Prince William has demanded a face-to-face with Princess Di’s butler, Paul Burrell, who’s set to publish a tell-all book about his mother. William calls the book a betrayal. Burrell retorts, “Grow up!” Will the royal boys make some noise, or is it shut up or grow up? Where there’s a William, there’s a way. Is that all for Paul? Only time will Burrell.

Zoe: [graphic of man with question mark obsuring face at top right] What hot, married UK actor has been linked with his newest costar? His secret’s safe with us, but let’s just say he’s lucky that cheating on one’s wife isn’t against the Jude Law. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark fades to reveal Jude Law’s face]

Ian: [graphic of Elle McPherson at top left] All’s not Elle that ends Elle. Australian beauty Elle McPherson just checked out of rehab. Was the leggy supermodel hitting the super-bottle, or was her rehab session for the supression of depression? Will the bossy Aussie’s relationship with her lover go down under, where the women go and the men chunder? Can you hear, can you hear the thunder? You better run, Elle. You better take cover. Oh.

Zoe: [graphic of man with question mark obsuring face at top right] What married movie star was seen snogging in a limousine outside of Harrod’s? You won’t get it out of me, but if that movie star had a bad limp, he might use Michael’s Caine. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark fades to reveal Michael Caine’s face with a cane superimposed]

Ian: Good one, Zoe.

Zoe: Thank you.

Ian: Well, it’s two past the hour, so that means it’s time for our daily Spice Girls report with our own Geri Halliwell.

[dissolve to Geri Halliwell standing in front of Piccadilly Circus with title: “Geri Halliwell”]

Geri: Cheers, Ian! Well, the spice news is hot this week and I’ve got my finger on the pulse. [raises arm] Girl power! Posh is still married to Becks and they live in Spain. Scary is still terrifying. I have a call in to Baby. And I know there’s another one, but I can’t remember her name right now. [raises arm] Girl power!

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: Thanks, Geri. The spice does suffice to be twice as nice as mice…slicing…iced…rice. Zoe!

Zoe: Well said. What tip-top Brit-pop mop-top gave me crabs? My lips are sealed. [raises finger to lips and whispers] It’s Liam Gallagher.

Ian: We love digging the dirt here on “Spy Glass,” and no one does it better than our field correspondent, Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington.

[dissolve to a dumpster with title: “Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington”]

Cornelia: [emerging from dumpster] Cheerio, Ian. Well, let’s see what your old friend Cornie Dumps has dug out of Sir Elton John’s rubbish bin this week. [lifts up a shoe] Oh! Well, if it isn’t an old shoe! That proves it! He’s a fruit! I’m Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington, and that’s no garbage. Hmmmmm!

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: Great work, Cornelia. [graphic of Sir Ian McKellen at top left] Sir Ian McFelon? Why was this X-Man acting like an ex-con? When a waiter spilled soup in his lap, lunch time turned to punch time and Ian was “Lord of the Swings.” Hands off, Gandalf, don’t you know fighting’s a nasty Hobbit? If you ask me, that’s just Ian b-ein’ Ian from what I’m seein’ BcKellen. What? No? Should have stopped at Hobbit? Agreed. Zoe!

Zoe: Let’s go to our favorite entertainment correspondent, Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien.

[dissolve to Pat O’Brien in front of a grey backdrop with title: “Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien”]

Pat: I’m Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien. Cheerio. My nose is more congested than Piccadilly Circus on a Saturday. Seriously, it’s like someone shoved two crumpets in my nostrils. Wait ’til you see what my good friend Kelly Osbourne’s up to. Wait ’til you see what happens on “Big Brother” this week. Cheerio.

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: Thank you, Pat. [graphic of a red heart with a question mark over it at top right] What two TV hosts shagged after a night of pub-hopping last week and haven’t spoken about it since? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe Ian Gerrard and Zoe Anderton. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark is replaced by Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Not as much fun when it’s directed at you.

Zoe: And you have a husband.

Ian: And you have crabs.

Zoe: Hmmmmm.

Ian: It’s five past, time to check in with our own Geri Halliwell.

[dissolve to Geri Halliwell standing in front of Piccadilly Circus, apparently gazing at her own cleavage until startledly realizing that she is on the air]

Geri: Ian?!

Ian: What’ve you got for us, Geri?

Geri: I’ve got nothing. I really think we should drop the third Spice Girls segment. [raises arm] Girl power?

Zoe: Hmmmmm.

Ian: Seems our sizzle went fizzle. But when we come back, holla if you like Kabbalah. We’ve got Madonna.

Zoe: And she is hotter than a sauna in Ghana.

Ian: You know you wanna.

Zoe: And watch your step.

Both: You’re under the “Spy Glass.” [Zoe brings her thumb and index finger to her left eye, as if looking through a spy glass]

[dissolve to title: “Spy Glass”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Greenbriar County Animal Rescue Shelter

Gary…..Chris Parnell
Kelly…..Kelly Ripa

[ open on stock footage of cute puppies running around ]

Gary V/O: Our pets. They give us friendship, loyalty, and affection.

Kelly V/O: And all they ever ask in return is a little love.

[ dissolve to shelter set, Gary and Kelly in a roomful of cages, with one cute puppy in a cage in the middle ]

Gary: If you’re thinking of adding a pet to your family, we hope you’ll consider taking a trip down to see us. At the Greenbriar County Animal Rescue Shelter.

Kelly: We have dozens of furry friends of all ages and breeds up for adoption!

Gary: And each and every one of them, is hoping to find a good home and a loving family.

Kelly: Take Sammy here! Sammy’s a two-year old shephard mix who loves car rides and is great with kids!

Gary: Or how about ol’ Bruce? Bruce has lots of energy! But is a perfect gentleman on walks through the neighborhood!

Kelly: Hewwo. My name is Pwincess, and I wuv curwing up by a toasty fire!

Gary: And, uh.. this here is.. Pumpkin. [ his tension with the cute puppy becomes obvious ]

Kelly: [ also appears frustrated with the cute puppy ] Yeah. Pumpkin is, uh.. uhh..

Gary: To be perfectly honest.. Pumpkin is a bit of a douchebag.

Kelly: Yep! There’s no nicer way to say it! He’s pretty much come on like a first-class tool since Day One!

Gary: I-it’s nothing he’s done, really..

Kelly: No, he hasn’t done anything at all! I just, flat out, don’t like his whole deal! I mean, look at him!

Gary: You know, I can read vibes.. and the vibe I’m getting off this pooch is straight jagweed.

Kelly: It’s, like, if you see a guy with a leather car bra on his Mazda Miata, you don’t even have to talk to him – you know he’s a jerk!

Gary: This dog is like that.

Kelly: A-men!

Gary: Oh, oh, sure.. he’s decent enough looking on the outside, but inside.. he’s a soulless creep.

Kelly: Hmm. Kind of like Craig Kilborn!

Gary: What can I say, folks? We get a lot of great dogs in here, but, every once in a while, a real dildo slips through the cracks!

Kelly: Hey, but if that’s your thing – adopt him! Let him hang with your kids. I guarantee you, they’ll turn out to be real a-holes!

Gary: Uh, you know what? Probably, the less said about Pumpkin, the better.

Kelly: I agree! But we’ve got lots of other furry friends just waiting to be picked up for adoption! Like Bongo here!

Gary: Okay, you know what? Hold up a minute. [ chuckles ] Let’s hold up on Bongo, uh.. I can’t let this thing go.

Kelly: Me, either!

Gary: [ putting his face up against Pumpkin’s cage ] You think you’re really something, don’t you? With the tail-wagging, and the running around..

Kelly: I am on to you, pally!

Gary: [ groans ] You know what? Just give me a reason, mac.. because I am this close to shipping you off to the Korean barbecue!

Kelly: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. hey. Take it easy, Gary!

Gary: I know.. I’m sorry. It’s just that I hate this dog so much! [ chuckles, sighs ]

Kelly: The Greenbriar County Animal Shelter. Make a friend for life.

Gary: [ laughing ] You’re not fooling anybody, friend! Noooo, you’re not..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Kelly Ripa’s Monologue

…..Kelly Ripa
Female Audience Member…..
Regis Fan…..Steve Higgins
Angry Husband…..J.B. Smoove
Angry Wife…..Paula Pell
Ruth Weinstock…..Rachel Dratch
Male Audience Member…..Jason Sudeikis
Pervert…..Jim Downey

Kelly Ripa: Wooow! I.. am.. so excited to be here tonight! Oh! Saturdays are my only night off, so usually I’m home getting pregnant! But this is fun, too. It’svery scary, though, hosting a show all by myself – you know, I.. need a little Irish man with me! You know, they asked me what I wanted to do for my monologue, and I was, like, “Gee, I don’t know,” you know? I’m used to live TV, so I think I’ll just.. talk to the people. So, that’s what I’m gonna do. So.. how you doing?

Female Audience Member: [ nervous, but excited ] How are you?

Kelly Ripa: Hi!

Female Audience Member: Hi!

Kelly Ripa: Where are you from?

Female Audience Member: Westchester.

Kelly Ripa: Westchester! County?

Female Audience Member: Yes.

Kelly Ripa: How’s Westchester this time of year.

Female Audience Member: It’s very nice – thank you!

Kelly Ripa: I’m from New Jersey. [ audience cheers ] Have you ever been to New Jersey?

Female Audience Member: Yes, I have.

Kelly Ripa: That’s great.

Female Audience Member: The road’s a pain..

Kelly Ripa: Yeah. Thank you.

Female Audience Member: You’re welcome..

[ Kelly moves over to a group wearing colorful “I Love Regis!” t-shirts ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, look at you! I like your shirts, they’re really cute!

Regis Fan: Is Regis coming out later?

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. no.. I’m sorry. Regis is performing at Foxwoods Country Club tonight.

Regis Fan: Let’s go, come on.. maybe we can catch the 12:05. We love you, Kelly!

[ the group of Regis fans exit the studio ]

Kelly Ripa: I guess I’ll see you later, then..

[ Angry Husband and Wife stand ]

Angry Husband: Hey, Kelly Ripa! We got a question!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

Angry Husband: Now, you’re 33 years old?

Kelly Ripa: Yes.

Angry Husband: And you got three kids?

Kelly Ripa: Yes. I am very lucky – I hhave three beautiful children!

Angry Husband: So, you’re 33.. and you have three kids?

Kelly Ripa: Yes.

Angry Husband: [ yells at Wife ] See, I told you! We only got two kids! Why can’t you.. look like that?!

Angry Wife: Don’t start with me, Terrell!

Angry Husband: She got three damn kids!!

Kelly Ripa: I’m sorry about that.. [ points ] Yes, you. Yes?

Ruth Weinstock: Yeah! I want to know.. why you let those children.. work.. in the sweatshops.. to make your lcothing line!

Kelly Ripa: No, no.. that’s not me. You’re thinking of.. P. Diddy.

Ruth Weinstock: No, actually, I’m thinking of Kathie Lee Gifford – the lady before you!

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. yes. Okay.

Ruth Weinstock: On “Regis & Kathie Lee!“

Kelly Ripa: Yeah, I-I-I know.

Ruth Weinstock: I liked her.. bet-ter than you!

Kelly Ripa: Great. Thank.. thank you. [ looks to another audience member ] Yes! Hi! how are you?

Pervert: Hi. I’m a.. a big fan of your work. Even before “Regis & Kelly”.

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. oh! On “All My Children”?

Pervert: No, on “Dance Party USA”.

Kelly Ripa: Ohh?

Pervert: You really were quite spectacular.

Kelly Ripa: Thank you. Yes, for those of you don’t know, “Dance Party USA” is kind of like an “American Bandstand”-type show that I was on when I was, like.. 14.

Pervert: I’ve enjoyed watching you blossom into womanhood.

Kelly Ripa: [ slightly disturbed ] Thank you..

Pervert: My favorite episode of “Dance Party USA” is Episode 514, where you slow dance with Matt Richinski to “Neverending Story” by Limahl.

Kelly Ripa: I, uh.. I don’t really remember that..

Pervert: I do.

Kelly Ripa: Do you have a question?

Pervert: Yes. Do you breastfeed your children?

Kelly Ripa: [ stunned ] Eugh! Get out of here! [ to Security ] Get him out of here!

[ Security escorts Pervert out of the studio ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, my gosh!

Male Audience Member: Hi, Kelly? Hi! I’m a big fan of your new sitcom, “Hope & Faith”!

Kelly Ripa: [ excited ] Oh, wow, thank you!

Male Audience Member: Yeah, no, I was just kidding! Uh.. I haven’t seen it yet, but I am an aspiring actor, so I was hoping you could tell me, uh, you know, what I’m doing wrong, since I have zero jobs, and you have three.

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. well, sure.. first, you have to work really hard.. and then you –

Angry Husband: [ jumps up again ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got three jobs?!

Kelly Ripa: Sssssorta..

Angry Husband: And your husband got one job?!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah..

Angry Husband: Dammit, woman! [ smacks his wife with a newspaper ] I’m gonna leave you.. for her! That’s what I’m gonna do!!

Angry Wife: You want him? Take him! I hope you like credit card debt!

[ the Regis fans re-enter and return to their seats ]

Regis Fan: Kelly..? We came back..

Kelly Ripa: [ excited ] Ohhhhh! Great!

Regis Fan: Yeah.. it felt, you know, it felt rude to leave, and, you know what? We don’t need to see Regis – you’re the best!

Kelly Ripa: You missed your bus, huh?

Regis Fan: Yeah.

Kelly Ripa: I thought that.. but don’t worry about a thing, because we’ve got a great show for you tonight! Outkast is here! You stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Live! with Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
Angelina Jolie…..Kelly Ripa
Actor……Seth Meyers

Announcer: It’s “Live! with Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got: from “Casa de Los Babys”, actress Mary Steenbergen; from her new film, “Beyond Borders”, Angelina Jolie; and the musical stylings of Manhatten Transfer. Plus, as usual, Drive You Wild Travel Trivia. Now, here are Regis Philbin & Kelly Ripa!

[ Regis & Kelly enter set, take their seats ]

Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, well..

Kelly Ripa: Hell-ooo!

Regis Philbin: Good morning, everybody!

Kelly Ripa: Hell-oooo, everyone!

Regis Philbin: You’re feeling good this morning?

Kelly Ripa: You know, I.. am.. exhausted, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Really?

Kelly Ripa: It is exhausting when you have a hit sitcom!

Regis Philbin: Alright..

Kelly Ripa: Now they tell me they want to do a spinoff of the show..

Regis Philbin: Already?

Kelly Ripa: And, they’re doing a movie based on my character Haley from “All My Children”.. and it’s got tons of stunts in it, so I have to rehearse because I do all my own stunts! And, of course, I’ve got my book deal!

Regis Philbin: You’re writing a book?

Kelly Ripa: I am also writing a book! So, what did you do this weekend, Reege?

Regis Philbin: Well, I played a round of golf with John & Mary Lithgow.. then I drank a vanilla Ensure and fell asleep on the hammock.

Kelly Ripa: Oo-oo-oo-oohhh! Can you guys picture that – Regis sleeping on a hammock! That’s so cute!

Regis Philbin: Alright, alright.. calm down, Pickle!

Kelly Ripa: Okay!

Regis Philbin: Now.. it was Halloween this past weekend. Did your kids have fun?

Kelly Ripa: Yeah! We all got dressed up for Halloween, and I brought some pictures.

[ various photos of unassociated children dressed in Halloween costumes are displayed onscreen ]

Kelly Ripa: Here’s Angus.

Regis Philbin: Alright.

Kelly Ripa: Here’s Katie!

Regis Philbin: Cute.

Kelly Ripa: Diego!

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: Caitlin!

Regis Philbin: Look at that!

Kelly Ripa: Tammy!

Regis Philbin: So many babies!

Kelly Ripa: Dylan!

Regis Philbin: Ripa, that baby’s Chinese!

Kelly Ripa: Law of Averages, Reege!

Regis Philbin: [ reflecting ] You know.. I remember a Halloween party once, where Lola Falana showed up dressed as a hobo.. Rickles came as Mean Joe Green.. and Ava Gabor came dressed up as Zsa Zsa Gabor!! [ manic ] It confused the HELL out of me!!

Kelly Ripa: I would be confused, too, Reege, ’cause I don’t know who any of those people are! [ laughs hysterically ]

Regis Philbin: Oh, boy.. How was your Halloween, Gelman?

Gelman: It was great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: What did you do?

Gelman: I, uh.. marched in a parade in the Village!

Regis Philbin: You know, you’re a weird little man, Gelman..

Gelman: You might be right, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Alright. Well, anyway, we’ve got a great show for you today – I mean, they’re all great.. but this one is really great!

Kelly Ripa: Oh. Angelina Jolie is here. Oh, she’s fantastic! She was so good in “Tomb Raider 2”, I hope there’s a “Tomb Raider 3“!

Regis Philbin: Alright. Let’s bring her out. Ladies and gentlemen, the freakish Angelina Jolie!

[ Angelina Jolie enters set, sits next to Regis ]

Kelly Ripa: Okay! Now, Angelina.. it is so nice to have you here, but I need to tell you that you.. scare me!

Regis Philbin: [ reading from a card ] Now, it says here that you make out with your brother.. you wear your boyfriend’s blood on a locket around your neck.. you carve Devil symbols on your arms with witch daggers!

Kelly Ripa: Yikes!

Angelina Jolie: Actually, those are just rumors that got out of control. I don’t wear blood around my neck.. my brother and I broke up a long time ago.. and the Devil symbols are actually on my buttocks!

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Am I right, Gelman!

Angelina Jolie: [ smiling ] It sure is, Reege!

Regis Philbin: “Beyond Borders”. Tell us what it was like making that movie.

Angelina Jolie: Well, it was amazing. “Beyond Borders” is a very.. human story about humans helping other sick humans.. in a very humane way.

Kelly Ripa: Mmm.

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Let’s watch the clip!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

[ cut to fake movie clip ]

Angelina Jolie: What’s over there?

Actor: [ dramatic beat ] The border.

[ music sting ]

Angelina Jolie: What’s beyond there?

Actor: Ssshhh.

Angelina Jolie: I want to go beyond.. beyond borders.

[ cut back to the studio, Regis is laughing hysterically ]

Kelly Ripa: Wow!!

Regis Philbin: That was fantastic! I can’t believe that movie was such a flop! Have you ever been beyond borders, Gelman?

Gelman: [ shakes head, smiles ] Don’t go there, Reege!

Angelina Jolie: Well, it really doesn’t matter, because it pales in comparison to the actual experience of making the movie. I lived there for three monthas in a hut, with hut people in the mouth of a volcano.

Kelly Ripa: Mmm..

Angelina Jolie: I learned their language, and a man chased my evil spirits away with a feather on the end of a stick!

Regis Philbin: Angelina, you are a cuckoo, but I love you!

Kelly Ripa: You are so strong! [ touches Angelina’s knee ]

Angelina Jolie: Don’t touch!

Kelly Ripa: And very brave! [ touches Angelina’s knee ]

Angelina Jolie: Don’t touch!

Kelly Ripa: And you are an inapiration to all —

[ Angelina kicks Ripa in the head ]

Angelina Jolie: I’m sorry, I find your perkiness disgusting!

Regis Philbin: [ happy ] Looks like we’ve got a catfight on our hands, Gelman! What do we do?!

Gelman: It doesn’t interest me, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Alright. We’ll be right back with Drive You Wild Travel Trivia!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Goodnights

…..Kelly Ripa

Kelly Ripa: Thank you so much to Outkast – Chris Kattan and the entire cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live! Thank you, everybody, good night!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Center for Cow Fart Study

Larry…..Will Forte
Carl…..Fred Armisen
Debbie…..Kelly Ripa

[open on exterior of building with sign: “University of Nebraska Environmental and Bovine Research Center”]

[dissolve to interior, with Larry sitting in a small, round room with the rear ends of cows and several wall-mounted measuring devices]

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Excellent

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Very interesting. Methane levels standard positive.

[Carl knocks at door and enters]

Carl: Larry, your wife’s here to see you.

Larry: What? Not now, Carl. I’m very busy.

Carl: I think she’s coming in right now, man.

[Debbie enters]

Larry: Debbie, what’re you doing here?!

Debbie: Larry, we have to talk.

Larry: I can’t talk now. I thought I made it very clear: I cannot be bothered at work. My work is too important.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: It’s not too important for what I have to say to you.

Larry: This can’t wait?

Debbie: No, it cannot. I’m leaving you, Larry.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: That’s just great. I just missed an emissions reading. Great.

Debbie: Are you listening to me?! It’s over, Larry!

Larry: You would leave me now, when I’m so close to finishing my work?

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Your work? Larry, your work is a joke!

Larry: I will not stand for that. My work is not a joke.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Do you know what it’s like to have to tell all my friends that my husband sits around in a room full of cow asses and waits for them to fart?

Larry: If they were educated, they would know that methane gases from livestock are affecting our climate. The Earth’s temperature is rising This is serious stuff.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: You study farts.

Larry: My work has nothing to do with farts.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: You were saying?

Larry: I don’t study farts.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: I study climate changes due to ozone loss. I am a scientist.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Debbie, I know this hasn’t been easy for you.

Debbie: It hasn’t! It just hasn’t! [turns away and weeps] I can’t take it anymore!

Larry: It’s only a year. Maybe three. You could just hang on.

Debbie: But I’m pregnant.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Oh, Larry, it’s no use!

Larry: You’re gonna have a baby? Don’t you see? This changes everything!

Debbie: You would leave all this?

Larry: Well, let me think about this. Can I in good conscience leave this work?

[Larry looks into the distance pensively while Debbie looks at him imploringly and cow flatulence continues to sound]

Larry: I’ve thought it over.

Debbie: And?

Larry: I love you, Debbie.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Oh, Larry. I love you!

[cow flatulence]

Larry: I’ve been a fool! This whole time, worrying day and night about methane, cow farts, thinking the world was in danger. The world wasn’t in danger; it was me. I say goodbye to this. I choose life.

Debbie: I choose it with you, Larry.

Larry: Cow farts. What a waste of time.

[cow flatulence]

[dissolve to the Earth as seen from outer space]

Larry: [voice over] Whooooo! This water-skiing sure is fun, Debbie!

Debbie: [voice over] Be careful, honey.

Larry: [voice over] Oh, I will. Boy, it sure is hot today.

Debbie: [voice over] It sure is. Really hot.

[cow flatulence sounds and the Earth bursts into flames]

Voice Over: It’s no joke. Support ozone research. Brought to you by the Center for Cow Fart Study. [logo and title: “CENTER for COW FART STUDY”] [aside] That’s the name you’re going with?

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts