Month: October 2018

01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Dave Matthews…..Jimmy Fallon
Bjork…..Winona Ryder
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Boyd Tinsley…..Dean Edwards
…..Real Alex Trebek

Alex Trebek: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy: Rock and Roll Edition, where some of today’s biggest musics are competing for their favorite charities. Let’s meet the contestants: Dave Matthews of Dave Matthews Band. Dave, welcome to the show.

Dave Matthews: [in squeaky voice] I am glad to be here.

Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Next up, Icelandic sensation Bjork.

Bjork: When I look at the veins in my hands, they remind me of these two snakes that laugh.

Alex Trebek: Beautiful. And our final contestant on Celebrity Rock and Roll Jeopardy… Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: We meet again, you loggerheaded tickle brain poppycock! I cut an album of filthy limericks just so I’d be eligible: “There once was a man named Trebick, who had the most tiniest…”

Alex Trebek: Enough. Let’s just get this over with. Here are the categories, they are: “Potent Potables,” “Countries Between Mexico and Canada,” “Members of Simon and Garfunkel,” “I Have a Chardonnay” – you choose this category, you automatically get the points and I get to have a glass of wine. “Things You Do With a Pencil Sharpener,” “Tie Your Shoe,” and finally, “Toast”. Mr. Connery, you select first.

Sean Connery: That’s a nice jacket you’re wearing, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Why, thank you.

Sean Connery: Is that wool? Must have been expensive.

Alex Trebek: No, actually, it was quite reasonable.

Sean Connery: Really? Where did you get it?

Alex Trebek: At a place called Stern’s, down on 14th.

Sean Connery: Stern’s? I’ll have to check it out.

Alex Trebek: Well, you should. Ask for Gary. Tell him that I sent you.

Sean Connery: I’ll do that. That sure is a nice jacket. Just one more question…

Alex Trebek: What is it, Sean?

Sean Connery: Do they make them for men?

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with “Toast” for $600. And the answer is, “This is the thing that becomes toast”. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?

Dave Matthews: What?

Alex Trebek: Did you ring in?

Dave Matthews: [singing] I did it, guilty as charged.

Alex Trebek: Do you have an answer?

Dave Matthews: No. No, I don’t.

[Bjork buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Bjork, this is the only thing that becomes toast.

Bjork: Everything is music. When I go home, I throw knickers in the oven and it’s music. Crash, boom, bang! (makes indistinct noises) (buzz)

Alex Trebek: Wow. The answer, of course, was bread. Let’s go to “Members of Simon and Garfunkel” for $200. “Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel.” [Bjork buzzes in] Bjork?

Bjork: Sometimes when I’m putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. [buzz] No?

Alex Trebek: Are you Icelandic or retarded? [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery?

Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?

Alex Trebek: “Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel”.

Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]

Alex Trebek: Come on. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?

[Boyd Tinsley enters and plays the intro to the Dave Matthews Band’s “Ants Marching”.]

Dave Matthews: [singing] “He wakes up in the morning, does his teeth, bite to eat, and he’s rolling…” [buzz]

Alex Trebek: Wrong.

[Boyd Tinsley whispers in Dave Matthews’ ear.]

Dave Matthews: I’m sorry, what is –

[Boyd Tinsley resumes playing “Ants Marching”]

Dave Matthews: [singing] “He wakes up in the morning…” [buzz]

[Bjork buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Bjork?

Bjork: This buzzer is musical. Everything is musical. [starts playing with the buzzers and makes indistinct noises]

Alex Trebek: And… shut it! Mr. Connery, still your board.

Sean Connery: I’ll take “I Have a Hard-on” for $600.

[close-up to board, the category “I Have a Chardonnay” is edited to read “I Have a Hardon”.]

Alex Trebek: I don’t believe this. Where did you get that magic marker? We frisked you in on the way in here.

Sean Connery: I didn’t have it in my pocket.

Alex Trebek: That’s disgusting. Please.

Sean Connery: I bet if you frisked me, you would have found it.

Alex Trebek: All right, that’s enough.

Sean Connery: Because I was keeping it in my butt.

Alex Trebek: Okay. We get it. Loud and clear: we get it. It’s time for Final Jeopardy…

[The real Alex Trebek enters.]

Real Alex Trebek: And so this was Final Jeopardy. And what a ride it has been, from Burt Reynolds to Minnie Driver, but boy, oh boy, those celebrities did not know the right answers to any of your questions.

Alex Trebek: No, they did not. They were very stupid.

Real Alex Trebek: You got that right.

Sean Connery: Well, well, two Trebeks. I feel like I’m in a Raisin Bran commercial: “two scoops of fruit”.

Real Alex Trebek: Back off, Connery. I don’t have to take that from you.

Sean Connery: I guess it’s true, old married couples do start to look alike.

Alex Trebek: Okay, please. From all of us to all of you, good night.

Real Alex Trebek: Good night.

Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01o: Ian McKellen / Kylie Minogue

Ian McKellen’s Monologue

…..Ian McKellen

Ian McKellen: Thank you, thank you very much indeed! Well, here we all are. And here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Why, you might ask. And all through these rehearsals, I’ve been asking myself the same thing, actually. You know, A classical actor, used to doing Stremberg and Chekhov and Skakespeare – plays that have been around for centuries – and here I am performing work that’s only been around since yesterday afternoon. Now, honestly, they’re still writing some of the scripts right now! I guess so it’s not too obvious.

People are always telling me I should do more comedy. Well, this show will show them – they’ll never ask that again! To think I could be sunning myself in Los Angeles waiting for the Oscars; or be at home in London seeing my 95-year old stepmother, who I don’t get to see often enough; or I could be on holiday with my boyfriend in New Zealand, there’s a thought. But, now, I’m here. Here in New York doing “Saturday Night Live”. Basically, it’s just vanity, I suppose. But I love this troupe of players, this company, the regulars on “Saturday Night Live”. Especially that Jimmy Fallon, isn’t he cute! most hosts get around to thanking the cast at the end of the show, I think it’s worth thanking them right now, because I need them on my side.

I’m not sure they realize they’re part of a very old theater tradition – it’s called Review. Did you know Maggie Smith – Dame Maggie – started off in review when she was a kid. She’s still brilliant at one-liners – if you’ve seen her in “Gosford Park”, you know what I mean. And when Maggie and I were starting out, she dragged my hero, Laurence Olivier, to come and see me act in London. And subsequently put me into his national theater company, along with a young actor called Anthony Hopkins. And who would have thought that after all those years in the classics, Dame Maggie would end up being best known as the Harry Potter Lady, Tony Hopkins best known for eating people’s faces, and they’d make me into an action figure! I love my action figures, I play with them all day long.

Anyway! It’s really, really fun and great to be here, I feel really welcomed. Unlike the St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York City, where they don’t exactly encourage openly gay men. They don’t seem to mind the priests, though, do they? Hey, look, forget the parade, we’ve got a great show, and I’m gonna have a ball, and so are you, because my fave disco diva is here – Kylie Minogue! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 10th, 2001

Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez

None

Lorne Michaels

Tom Hanks

Andy Murphy
Jennifer’s BootySummary: Will Ferrell gushes over Jennifer Lopez’s booty, while Tracy Morgan plots to take over his impression of President George W. Bush.

MontageNote: In spite of an XFL game running late on NBC, “Saturday Night Live” began their studio performance promptly at their usual time, though it didn’t go on the air (as a tape-delay) for another 45 minutes.

Jennifer Lopez’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Lopez tries to disclaim her diva image as hair and make-up people swarm her on stage.

Transcript

Cracklin’ Oat FlakesSummary: Now laced with ecstasy!

Note: Repeat from 11/11/00.

J Lo vs. MangoSummary: Jennifer Lopez battles Mango (Chris Kattan) for the proper Diva title.

Recurring Characters: Mango, Celine Dion, Diana Ross, Aretha Franklin, Shania Twain.

Transcript

MTV CribsSummary: Gemini’s Twin members Jonette (Ana Gasteyer), Britanica (Maya Rudolph) and new girl Lady Speedstick (Jennifer Lopez) show off their new tiny apartment.

Recurring Characters: Jonette, Britanica.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Ray of Light”, his Disney-themed spin on the Ray Lewis scandal.

Transcript

Jennifer Lopez performs “Play”Also Performed: 99k.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Wilson the Volleyball (Will Ferrell) talks mean-spiritedly about Tom Hanks. Third-grader Rasheed Jenkins (Jerry Minor) nervously discusses Black History Month.

Transcript

Fly Girls ReunionSummary: The less-famous Fly Girls, Yonette (Jerry Minor), Spicy (Rachel Dratch), and Deronica (Tracy Morgan), reunite with former member Jennifer Lopez.

Music From The Motion Picture ValentineSummary: Strangely named bands dominate the film’s soundtrack.

Transcript

Jennifer Lopez performs “Love Don’t Cost A Thing”

Good Morning BronxRecurring Characters: Dominican Lou.

The Baby & The German Intellectual

Jeannie DarcySummary: Hack comic Jeannie Darcy’s (Molly Shannon) stand-up routine isn’t well-received at a nursing home.

Recurring Characters: Jeannie Darcy.

Transcript

Wade BlasingameSummary: Attorney Wade Blasingame (Will Ferrell) is in favor of suing dogs for being themselves.

Note: Repeat from 12/09/00.

News From the FrontSummary: Lana Thornberry (Jennifer Lopez) sings unpatriotic music to military soldiers during World War II.

Recurring Characters: Bob Hope.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Monologue

…..Gwyneth Paltrow
…..Maya Rudolph

Gwyneth Paltrow: Thanks! Thank you so much! It’s so great to be here! I’m having so much fun this week! I hosted once before, but this week has been really extra-special to me because one of my best friends is on the show now, and I’m so proud of her. We’ve known each other since we were seven years old, and she’s super-funny and talented, and I’m so glad she’s in the cast. Her name is Maya Rudolph! Maya, come out here!

Maya Rudolph: [ appears onstage ] Hey!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Isn’t this crazy!

Maya Rudolph: I know, this is so crazy! But it’s great, it’s great!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Here’s our class picture in 5th grade – this is real. [ picture is shown onscreen ] There’s Maya, and I’m the one on the right.

Maya Rudolph: Look, there’s Mary!

Gwyneth Paltrow: And there’s our friend Mary – she’s here tonight, too – she’s in the middle.

Maya Rudolph: Oh, look at our hair! Our dads are also best friends from college, and they’re watching us together tonight. Hi, Dad!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Hi, Daddy! The last time, actually, our dads saw us on stage together was in 5th grade, when we were in the class play “The Nightengale”.

Maya Rudolph: That’s right! You played the beautiful nightengale, and I played the maid. That was fun!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah! Gosh, and now here we are.

Maya Rudolph: I know, this is unbelievable! It’s almost like I’m hosting with you.

Gwyneth Paltrow: [ hesitates ] Yeah..

Maya Rudolph: I’m sorry, should I go?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, no, no.. totally, stay up here!

Maya Rudolph: Are you sure?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah.. yeah..

[ awkward pause ]

Maya Rudolph: So, we sure had a lot of fun back then, huh?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah. But then, when we 11, I had to move here to New York.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah. And then, later, your career just took off, and I went to school in Santa Cruz. So, that worked out for both of us.

Gwyneth Paltrow: But now you’re doing so great! And we get to be in a sketch together!

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, that’s right!

Gwyneth Paltrow: I play Britney Spears.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, you are hysterical in that!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, you’re in the scene, too!

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, I play the maid. It’s pretty cool. Hey! Remember when you won the Oscar for “Shakespeare In Love”, and I called you and I told you how proud I was of you?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh yes, that was so sweet. Oh, remember when you had that little part on that black doctors show?

Maya Rudolph: “City of Angels”.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah, yeah! And you called me and asked me if I was proud of you!

Maya Rudolph: [ pause ] Hey. You know what, don’t we have another picture of us that we can look at? [ another picture is shown ] Oh, my God!

Gwyneth Paltrow: There’s our friend Mary again, in the middle!

Maya Rudolph: Look at us! Look at the way we’re dressed! What were we thinking? I have purple acid-wash jeans on. We were really jacked pu that day because we had just seen “Flashdance”.

Gwyneth Paltrow: [ laughing ] Oh, my God! Remember how really into that movie we were?

Maya Rudolph: Yep.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Remember how we sang that song for our 6th grade talent show, and totally bombed?

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we did. You want to take another shot at it?

Together: [ singing ]
“First when there’s nothing
But a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide
Deep inside your mind.

All alone I have cried
Silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel,
Made of stone.

What a feeling.
Bein’s believin’.
I can have it all, now I’m dancing for my life..”

Gwyneth Paltrow: We have a great show for you tonight! Ryan Adams is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Woodrow

Actor…..Chris Kattan
Actress…..Molly Shannon
Director…..Chris Parnell
…..Kate Hudson
Woodrow…..Tracy Morgan
Cafe Manager…..Will Ferrell

[ open on a group of actors sitting outside a Hollywood cafe ]

Actor: Anyway, long story short – I’m at home getting paid for doing squat.

Actress: And, believe me, you’re good at doing that!
[ everyone laughs ]

Actor: I am!

Director: [ changing subject ] Kate, what time do we have to be backon the set?

Kate Hudson: Uh.. 1:20, we’ve got some time.

Actress: Hey, how’s the movie going?

Kate Hudson: Oh.. great!

[ the sound of a car screeching to a halt can be heard ]

Voice in Street: Hey! Watch where you’re going!

Woodrow: [ running forward ] Whoo! Blast off! Hey, everyone, it’sme, Woodrow!

Actress: [ holding her nose ] Eugh!

Actor: [ horrified ] Oh, my God! He stinks!

Cafe Manager: Excuse me, Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Woodrow: I’m Woodrow! [ holds up mangled script ] I got a movie partfor Kate, it’s a doozy!

[ everyone laughs at him ]

Actress: Oh, my God, this guy actually thinks he’s in the biz!

Woodrow: Stop! Stop laughing at me!

Director: [ laughing ] Even the homeless in this town have a script!I bet he directs!

Woodrow: It’s not funny! [ starts crying ]

Kate Hudson: [ gets up to comfort Woodrow ] Hey, hey, you’re hurtinghis feelings. It’s okay. I’ll look at your movie script.

Woodrow: You will?

Kate Hudson: Yes.

Woodrow: It’s only a part of it. The best part, I left at home.

Kate Hudson: Oh. Well, let’s go look at it. Where do you live?

Woodrow: Right here. [ points to manhole in middle of street ]

Kate Hudson: In the sewer?

Woodrow: Yeah. Come on.

[ Woodrow opens manhole and climbs down. Kate follows, much to the horrorof her friends. ]

Director: Kate, remember we gotta be back at the studio by 1:30!

Actress: Geez.. oh, my gosh, you guys, I think I’m gonna be sick.That guy smelled awful!

Actor: Well, she can kiss her career goodbye.

Director: Really? Why?

Actor: Well, you never go down in a sewer with a homelessman! It’s career-ending. Don’t you know anything?!

[ cut to Woodrow and Kate reaching the bottom of the sewer – harp musicsets the scene ]

Woodrow: Well, here we are. I like it because it’s rent-controlled.

Kate Hudson: It’s nice.

Woodrow: Here, would you like a doggie biscuit?

Kate Hudson: Uh.. no thank you.

Woodrow: How about a can of baby formula?

Kate Hudson: Sure. So, okay.. what about this movie script?

Woodrow: Oh, that? Uh.. [ fakes sound of phone ringing ] Ring!Ring! I gotta take this one.. [ picks up piece of board ] Buy, sell!Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Funny money, boo-bah! [ hangs up board ]

Kate Hudson: Wow. That sounded important..

Woodrow: Yeah. That’s Wall Street stuff. I’m sorry about that.Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah – the movie script. You don’t really wantto read this, do you?

Kate Hudson: Oh, no, I do. I really do.

Woodrow: Really? That’s a relief. I gotta be honest.. you knowthat phone call I just had?

Kate Hudson: Yeah?

Woodrow: That was a fake. I was just trying to impress you. Infact, I’m not really that rich. I’m just a gret, big phony.

Kate Hudson: Oh, I don’t think you’re a phony.

Woodrow: Thanks! [ holds up script ] Okay, in this scene, you playAmanda Kiln, and I’ll play the part of Dr. Jergens.

Kate Hudson: Okay. [ reads from script ] “Tell me, Doctor Jergens,is my liver gonna be okay?”

Woodrow: “No. No, it’s not. Your liver has a brain tumor. It’sserious.”

Kate Hudson: “How serious?”

Woodrow: “Medical. That’s how.”

Kate Hudson: “Is it laryngitis?”

Woodrow: “Yes. You’re going to die in.. in.. in a minute or so.”

Kate Hudson: “Oh, God, this crazy world, Doctor, I’m scared!”

Woodrow: “You know, when I’m scared, I have a song I like to sing,and I want you to sing it with me.. [ singing ]
‘Toasters and birds, little pigeon turds
Radio in my hair, it’s really not there
Because I.. love.. you..’
Now, your turn.’

Kate Hudson: “Okay. [ singing ]
‘Boogers and poop, dictionary soup
Run for the hills, we have to eat pills
And I.. love.. you..’“

Woodrow: “Now, both.”

Kate Hudson: “Ah.”

Together: [ singing ]
“‘Mr. Rubber Face, I’m from outer space
Kibbles ‘n Bits, tiny mouse tits
And I.. love.. you..
I.. love.. you..’“

Woodrow: This is it. This is where we kiss.

Kate Hudson: Like this? [ kisses Woodrow on the lips ]

Woodrow: See? You just made me piss my pants!

Kate Hudson: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t I introduce you to myagent?

Director: Hey, Kate! It’s past 1:30!

Kate Hudson: Oh, rats.. that’s my director..

Woodrow: You’d better get back..

Kate Hudson: Oh, I can’t leave.. I have feelings for you.. I thinkmaybe I.. I think..

Woodrow: Shh.. You belong up there, with them. Now go.

Kate Hudson: You sure?

Woodrow: Go, before I change my mind.

Kate Hudson: Bye. [ climbs back up the sewer ]

Woodrow: [ fakes the sound of a telephone, and holds the board tohis ear ] Hello? This is Woodrow. I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong number. [ hangs up – scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

The West Wing

President Bartlett…..Darrell Hammond
C.J…..Ana Gasteyer
Josh…..Jimmy Fallon
Donna…..Maya Rudolph
Sam…..Pierce Brosnan
Toby…..Chris Kattan

(On screen, opening for “The West Wing”, playing theme song)

Announcer: Tonight, television’s most acclaimed series presents it’s most anticipated show of the season. “The West Wing” episode written by Aaron Sorkin while high on mushrooms.

(Title: The Best thing I’ve ever written)

(President Bartlett and C.J. walking together down a hallway)

President Bartlett: Now, C.J., tell me again what group I’m about to address.

C.J.: You will be speaking to the American Library Association.

President Bartlett: And what is our position on libraries?

C.J.: We’re in favor of them, sir.

President Bartlett: You know, I don’t think I could get through this if I weren’t tripping on shrooms. Did you know I was high?

C.J.: I gathered that, sir.

President Bartlett: Would you like some? I got a shoebox full.

C.J.: No thank you, sir. I just took some ecstasy.

President Bartlett: Ah, ecstasy! Of course, in my day it was called MDA.

C.J.: So you’ve told me, sir.

President Bartlett: Did I ever tell you the active ingredient in mushrooms is cilocybin?

C.J.: Many times, sir.

President Bartlett: Ok.

(Josh and Donna walking together down a hallway)

Donna: Josh, do you have a minute?

Josh: Sure, walk with me.

Donna: I’m not sure how I feel about drug legalization. Would you tell me what to think?

Josh: Well, I just ate some mushrooms with the president about 20 minutes ago, so I’m not at my sharpest.

Donna: I just don’t get why tobacco is legal and drugs aren’t.

Josh: Stop talking logically, Donna. That sort of thing could lead to sensible public policy. Hey, Sam!

(Sam joins them)

Sam: Hi Josh! Here’s a fact: Did you know 100 million Americans die each year ’cause of smoking related illness, but there’s not one recorded instance of a death caused by hallucinogens.

Josh: Actually, I did know that, but thanks.

(All stop in their tracks)

Sam: Would you look at that!

(Image on screen of cats boxing)

Donna: That is so cool!

(President Bartlett, C.J., Toby and a man wearing a Native American costume walking together)

President Bartlett: Did I ever tell you that LSD was actually developed in an army lab?

C.J. & Toby: Many times, sor.

(Josh, Donna and Sam in front of a multi-colored background. All talking very slowly)

Josh: Are you alright? You don’t look so good.

Sam: I feel alright.

(Bartlett and man dressed in Native American costume enter)

President Bartlett: Whoa!

Sam, Donna & Josh: Hello Mr. President!

President Bartlett: This is my friend….(babbles incoherently)

Sam: Mr. President! Look!

(Image of flying saucer crashing into Capitol building dome. Explosion follows. Fade to black)

Announcer: Next week on “The West Wing.”

C.J.: (takes off glasses) What do you mean, the President can’t run again?

Toby: The President can’t run again for a simple reason: that he is melting. I saw the President melting.

C.J.: (looks shocked)

(Animation of two dinosaurs on screen, followed by a woman with scissors on her tongue, boxing kitties, and the scene from “Independence Day” when the White House is blown up by aliens)

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01r: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Ally McBeal…..Rachel Dratch
Tobey Maguire…..Seth Meyers
Savannah Dakota Fey…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hello, how you doing? I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Actor Robert Blake was arrested Thursday night for the murder of his wife, Bonnie Lee Bakely, who was shot 11 months ago outside of a Los Angeles restaurant. Blake started his career as Mickey in ‘The Little Rascals’ and now will end it in prison as Spanky.

Erica Green, a 20 year old woman from Tegular, Georgia was one of the 3 winners in this weeks 320 million dollar lottery jackpot. Green says she doesn’t know what she will do with the money but something tells me world’s biggest jello-shot is on the list.

Jimmy Fallon: Sidenote: Erica is 20 years old, cute as a button, this is the first time in her life that she every purchased a lottery ticket, and she only bought one ticket, and she won 58 million dollars (long pause). If your still watching right about now it means you haven’t kicked in your television set. Congratulations, you have passed the Weekend Update Anger Management test.

This past weekend Al Gore delivered a fiery speech criticizing President Bush’s economic policies. Unfortunately he gave the speech into a hairbrush in front of his hallway mirror.

The Fox network announced that it is cancelling Ally McBeal after this season. Star Calista Flockhart says that the end of the show leaves her to try something risky, like a bagel.

Tina Fey: Fox executives said that they decided to cancel the show–

(Ally McBeal runs onto the stage)

Ally McBeal: Hi Jimmy, Hi Tina.

Jimmy Fallon: How are you?

Ally McBeal: How do you think I am? I can’t believe I am getting dumped by America. You used to love my short skirts and imperatively skinny little body, but now you’ve have enough? Well A-a-a-America (makes face expressions), you re not breaking up with me, I am breaking up with you! I-I-I-I am a successful woman, no, no, no, a successful person, and just trying to do what’s right, and yes maybe sometime along the way finding someone I can fall i-i-in love with, and maybe, yes maybe occasionally have hot sex with a regular, successful, attractive man whose not going to go crazy (shakes head frantically) on me! (Ally grabs Jimmy and kisses him, slaps him on the face then walks off)

Jimmy Fallon: Ally McBeal everyone.

The Al Jazeera network have obtained yet another tape from Osama Bin Laden that they aired on Thursday. Oh yeah? Well NBC had back to back “Frasier”s. Welcome to the big leagues guys!

Researches at Johns Hopkins University have evidence that links red meat consumption to prostate cancer. They made the discovery after noticing that John Madden is 95% tumour.

Jenny Wood-Allen, a 90 year old Scottish woman completed the London marathon Sunday. Allen said she remembers leaving her house in the morning to get some milk and then getting very lost.

500 students at a college in Georgia signed a petition protesting nudity in a school production of ‘The Grapes of Wrath’ which includes a scene where a woman breast-feeds a starving man. However all 500 signatures on the petition are from guys who unsuccessfully auditioned for starving man.

Tina Fey: ‘Spiderman’ one of the most anticipated movies of the year will be hitting theatres May 3rd. Producers raised eyebrows with their casting if Tobey Maguire as the famed web-slinger. Here now with a preview of the movie is Tobey Maguire.

Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Thanks Tina. I am happy to report that Spiderman is an action packed, adrenaline rush. I just saw final edit and my heart can’t stop pounding. While some question if I’m the right casting for an action film I think anybody who has seen my work in ‘Wonderboys‘…or ‘the Ice Storm’…or ‘Cider House Rules’ would agree that the name Tobey Maguire is anonymous with high acting thrills. Now to psych you up even more I’d like to sing the Spiderman theme song.

(even slower) Spiderman, Spiderman…(he begins mouthing words without talking)

Tina Fey: Tobey. Tobey if your saying something we can’t hear you.

Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Sorry Tina. Sometimes I lack the energy to expel words from my mouth. (he pulls a mirror out and stares at it)

Tina Fey: Tobey… Tobey what is that?

Tobey Maguire: (puts the mirror down and talks slowly) It’s a mirror. My doctor told me to hold it to my face every 10 minutes to make sure I’m still breathing.

Tina Fey: And? Are you?

Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Nope… Spiderman… May 3rd… Cath the…excite…ment.

Tina Fey: Tobey Maguire everyone.

Just one day after opening the new London musical ‘Chitty, chitty bang, bang’ they had to cancel a performance due to mechanical difficulties. When asked how he felt when having to cancel a performance, the director said “Chitty”.

Joy Behar from “The View” is participating in an 8 week get fit plan to be chronicled on the show. Now I considered doing a Star Jones joke here but I got worried she’d bust through this map wall like the Kool-Aid man and kick my ass.

Abercrombie and Fitch pulled the line of T-shirts featuring Asian stereotypes because of a protest staged by Asian-Americans. The protest was non-violent and orderly but the same can not be said about the parking lot when they all went to drive home.

A 1.6 million dollar stratus bury violin was stolen from a musician in New York City. The thief is said to be armed and extremely classy.

Tina Fey: Next week is take your child to work week so tonight I have brought my daughter to work. Please welcome, Savannah Dakota Fey.

Savannah: Yo, how long do I have to stay here?

Tina Fey: Okay, I just thought you’d like to see where mommy works.

Savannah: This place is weak, yo.

Tina Fey: How is your boyfriend, Marcus?

Savannah: You’re such a racist mom!

Tina Fey: Savannah that’s not why I dislike him, okay Savannah, he stole my microwave!!

Savannah: He needed it for his band. God, seriously mom, don’t start with me today.

Tina Fey: I’m not starting with you. Savannah I–

Savannah: Nobody calls me Savannah. I go by S-Dog yo.

Tina Fey: Okay, S-Dog then.

Savannah: Oh, god, don’t you use it!

Tina Fey: Fine, well do you wanna read a joke?

Savannah: Fine. Last week in the news a politician said something boring and then you were like ‘What? Blah, blah, blah’.

Tina Fey: Savannah, why do you do that? Your perfectly capable of reading that joke. Charlie Grandee wrote you a perfectly good joke.

Savannah: I’m not funny! I’m not like you okay, I’ll never be like you!!

Tina Fey: Do you take ecstasy?

Savannah: What do you care? You ain’t never home.

Tina Fey: Mommy works 2 jobs!!

Savannah: Oh, you always embarrass me, you told the guys from P.O.D. we were going bra shopping? I will never forgive you! I can’t believe you!

Tina Fey: So you can have your graver sneakers and your I-Pods so you can go to your Tony Hawk Skateboard parties, just because I am never with you doesn’t not mean I am a bad mother.

(they argue those things, talking at the same time, but Tina stops)

Savannah: WHY WON’T YOU TELL ME WHO MY FATHER IS?

Tina Fey: For the last time, you father is a married network executive.

Jimmy Fallon: Hey Savannah. You wanna know a secret? I wear jeans under here, I don’t even have a whole suit, isn’t that weird?

Savannah: Save it. I’m not into white dudes, yo.

Jimmy Fallon: Tina I wasn’t hitting on her, I swear.

Tina Fey: You know, you can’t win Jimmy, don’t worry about it. Savannah Fey everybody.

Savannah: I HATE YOU ALL! (Tina hits her on the arm before Savannah leaves)

Finally tonight, former Van Halen singers David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar announced that they will be teaming up for a 21 city concert tour this Summer. In order to make the most money as possible in this tour, admission will be free, but it will cost $500 to leave early.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

(Jimmy throws his pencil into the audience and then someone throws it back to him)

Thanks to Roseanne Sigglekow for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Inside the Actors Studio

James Lipton…..Will Ferrell
Drew Barrymoore…..Kate Hudson

[Fade in: Intro to “Inside the Actors Studio]

[Fade in: James Lipton, staring at the audience]

James Lipton: When one thinks of the gratest all-time films made by mankind, in this century or in any other… one name keeps coming up again and again and again and again. That, of course, is the great cinematographer Gregg Tolland. [audience applause] He cannot be here tonight because he is dead. Ha ha ha. But a face that he would have surely filmed is here with us tonight. Please welcome the wonderful, incomparable Drew Barrmoore.

[Drew comes in from off screen]

Drew Barrymore: Thank you. [shakes James’ hand] Oh, my god, it is so good to be here. It’s so magical. It’s so magical.

James Lipton: In 1982, a film was produced. A film that made not a little amount of money but in fact a great deal of mney. That film was “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.”

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my god, yes, yes.

James Lipton: You played Gertie, the precocious child who when she screamed at the E.T. sent a message out to the world, “I am, I am here, I am now.” If you haven’t seen the scene where Drew screams at the E.T., go right now to a place where videotapes or film are sold or rented, and buy it or rent and watch it. It is delightful. [laughs uproariously] What was it like acting with the E.T.?

Drew Barrymore: Um, I don’t know. So many feelings. [chokes up] You know, like the finger, ouch. The neck that stretched. It’s emotional. [laughs]

James Lipton: Indeed, emotional. Your family is truly Hollywood royalty, which is apparent when you annonced to the world that your next project was to be “Charlie’s Angels,” a television show which some have called the greatest show ever made… by humans. Why not a “Barney Miller” or “Starsky Hutch”?

Drew Barrymore: Well, we did start out with “Barney Miller.” Then during pre-production, we discovered there were no women in the original cast.

James Lipton: [uproarious laughing] Yes, marvelous, simply marvelous. You are a delight.

Drew Barrymore: Oh, you are a delight, too. It’s so magical.

James Lipton: In 1995, you do a film, a film which some call a “chick flick,” meaning a movie primarily intend for the opposite gender of myself. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore: [laughs] Yes.

James Lipton: The film, of course, “Boys On The Side.” And on that film, you worked with the Whoopi Goldberg. What was that like?

Drew Barrymore: Magical. Whoopi was so funny. Sometimes on the set, she would say, “No, child.”

[James and Drew laugh until James and the chair fall down. James crawls back up.]

James Lipton: We will conclude our evening with a questionnaire invened by the great Bernard Pivot of “Apostrophes” and “Bouillon de Culture” — [clutches wrist] I hurt my wrist — which has been asked of some of the finet minds of the 20th century. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

Drew Barrymore: Um, a knife maker.

James Lipton: What profession would you absolutely not like to participate in?

Drew Barrymore: Um, I wouldn’t ant to burn monkeys.

James Lipton: Nor they you. And finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Drew Barrymore: Um, “Hey, Drew Barrymoore, you have treated people with such care, tender care, and kindness. You smell like flowers.

James Lipton: [applauds] Drew Barrymoore, you are a delight.

Drew Barrymore: Thank you. [attempts to shake James hand]

James Lipton: [recoils] Son of a bee sting. Thank you.

Drew Barrymore: Thank you.

[logo appears, then fade]

Submitted by: Road Dog XVIII

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 20

00t: Christopher Walken / Weezer

Love-ahs

Walter … Christopher Walken
Virginia Clarvin … Rachel Dratch
Roger Clarvin … Will Ferrell
Catherine … Ana Gasteyer

[open to a patio with the Clarvins, Walter, and Catherine]

Virginia: Does anyone care for some baba ganoush or hummus before we start our main course? [Walter takes some] Yes, have some.

Roger: It’s so wonderful, Walter, when we’re graced with a visit from you.

Walter: Well, I always treasure my conferences at the university, and of course, my time with my old colleagues.

Catherine: I’m just so glad I got to come along. It’s so beautiful here.

Virginia: Oh, you must take advantage of the view from Pullman Falls. It’s absolutely perfect for lover’s walks.

Roger: Yes, are you taking lovers’ walks?

Catherine: Uh, what do you mean?

[Roger holds Virginia]

Virginia: Well, are you at the point in your relationship when you can walk hand-in-hand as lovers?

Catherine: I, um, guess so.

Walter: Actually, we haven’t ben seeing each other all that long.

[Catherine laughs]

Virginia: Oh, I see. So in due time, eh lover?

Roger: [as he rubs Virginia’s arms] Yes, Virginia. I remember our first days of courtship as if it were yesterday. Eager drives to Holyoke. Passionate cries of love making muffle into a feather pillow in order to avoid waking your roomate Chin Le. [kisses Virginia]

Virginia: Oh, yes, yes. Fond memories, my lover prince.

Roger: Yes.

Virginia: Can I get you more Sangria?

[Roger downs a glass of Sangria]

Walter: You’re never going to meet a couple more in love than Roger and Virginia.

Catherine: Sounds like it, yeah.

Roger: Surely, Katherine, you must have a story about your lover.

Catherine: Oh, I just think that’s best kept private.

Walter: Sure, she’s acting shy now, but she’s quite a curious lover.

Roger and Virginia: Oh.

Catherine: [shocked] Walter!

Walter: One wintry night after eating Indian… [pause] Catherine whispered into my ear, [at this time, Catherine grows upset and flinches] her breath rich with faraway spices, that she desire to make love. She wanted to try shinshi shinshi. Now, I’d been begging her to try sinshi shinshi for months. She’d refused on the grounds that it was unclean. Finally, she was willing to accept her lover’s body in places no one had ever trespassed. Specifically, the ear canal.

Catherine: Walter!

[an audience member hoots]

Roger: Walter, your stories always make me hungry. [moans with Virginia]

Virginia: Oh, Walter, we made your favorite tonight, moussaka. [laughs with Roger]

Catherine: What’s so funny?

Virginia: You see, Katherine, in our younger days [while Roger kisses Virginia’s hands] we took a glorious trip to the Greek Islands

Roger: We rented a krypsona on the Isle of Santorini.

Walter: And I was there, too.

Catherine: [sarcastically] Really?

Roger: Oh, yes.

Virginia: [while Roger starts rubbing Virginia’s shoulders] Yes, one day we returned to the Krypsona from the beach. Our bodies browned by the sun. And the locals had killed and roasted a goat and —

Roger: We filled our bellies with goat meat.

Virginia: Our hands greasy.

Walter: Mouths glistening.

Virginia: Yes, and —

Roger: Once again, our bodies sluggish with goat meat.

Catherine: Okay, all right, okay, do you think there’s any way we could save this one until after dinner.

[the Clarvins laugh]

Roger: No. That evening, Virginia and I made love so powerful, me thinks I heard the god Zeus chuckling from on high. [him and Virgnia touch each other]

Walter: And I was there, too.

Catherine: [shocked] Do you mean?

Walter: Bingo. We did a three way

[Catherine looks disgusted]

Virginia: Now, mind you, Catherine. This was a long time ago.

Roger: Yes, yes, this was a year and a half ago.

Catherine: [disgusted] Gross.

Virginia: So that’s why when I always think of the night I entertained not one but two lovers whenever I eat moussaka.

Catherine: [upset] All right, okay, Walter, Walter, I wanna go home.

Walter: What, lover, we only just arrived.

Roger: Perhaps our talk of lovers has made Catherine yearn for me shinshi shinshi.

Catherine: And I cannot believe you told them that.

[Catherine gets up and leaves in fury]

Walter: My lover has a fiery soul. I best chase her for she is my ride. [touches Virginia’s cheek] Good night, dear friends and former lovers.

Roger and Virginia: Good night, Walter.

Walter: Good night. [exists the scene]

Virginia: Good night, Walter. Oh, listen, the rhythm of the crickets.

Roger: [chirps like a cricket] “Make love.” [chirps again] “Make love.” Quick, quick, [clears the table as the two prepare to make love] let’s rub our legs and bodies against each other like cricket children and make love and night fancy. [grunts]

Virginia: Shouldn’t we go upstairs, lover?

Roger: No, right here, lover. [in pain] Ow, ow, my back, my back.

Virginia: Is it your back?

Roger: [mimicks Virginia] “Is it your back?” Yes it’s my back! Get the hell off me! [pushes her off]

[FADE]

Submitted by: Road Dog XVIII

SNL Transcripts

Season 27: Episode 13

01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I’m very happy to be back in this country, after my very successful trip in the Pacific Rim. I’m heartened to hear that, for the most part, the people of this country show strong support for my agenda. However, lately, there are some who are beginning to criticize this administration. Maybe these people don’t understand – America is presently at war. Not just a war on terrorism; but we are engaged in a deadly stand-off with an Axis of Evil. You know who I’m talking about – Iran, Iraq, and one of the Koreas.

But my Axis of Evil doesn’t seem to interest the people out there. Some people just want to talk about the economy, and budgets, and Enron. I bet most of you out there don’t even understand Enron. I sure as heck don’t! It hurts my head to think about it. So, from now on, Enron will be part of my Axis of Evil. I don’t want to hear anything else about Enron, unless our military has pounded it into submission. So, look out, Enron – you’re now part of the

So is the Economy. I don’t like the way this economy is acting; not very American, it’s evil! The economy is now a part of my Axis of Evil.

Also, I don’t like Sen. Tom Daschle. You know why? He’s very critical. You know where that leads him? You got it. He’s now part of the Axis of Evil.

So, a quick recap – that’s Iran, Iraq, Enron, the Economy, and Daschle, and one of those Koreas. They all form a terrible Axis of Evil, standing in the way of all that we as Americans value.

And don’t forget France. The French don’t like me saying “Axis of Evil”, so guess what? They’re now a part of the very same Axis of Evil that they don’t like me saying. How do you like them apples, France? Next time, you keep your mouth shut. You mess with Texas, and it’s straight to the Axis of Evil, got it?

Germany, Italy, Japan – they were the original Axis of Evil. Maybe they thought I would forget, but I didn’t. They’re back in!

Here’s one you probably didn’t expect – Dick Cheney. Now, he’s up to something, and I don’t like it! He’s never around. If I’m in the White House, he’s not. If I’m on a plane, nowhere in sight. He’s very sneaky; not to mention, scary. I’m putting him in the Axis of Evil – for now.

Evil Knievel’s going in the Axis of Evil – but that’s a no-brainer. But Dr. Evil? No; he makes me laugh, so he’s out.

So, you see, America? There’s nothing to fear. Everything’s fine. You go out and buy your new cars, fly on airplanes, and invest in K-Mart. Don’t listen to what the economists say. Why? Because they like math, and math is very much a part of the Axis of Evil.

And you know what else is part of the Axis of Evil? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”