[ Brendan Fraser swings onto Home Base from a vine, like George of the Jungle ]
Brendan Fraser: Thanks! Thank you! [ audience cheers wildly ] Hello, everyone! [ grunts like a gorilla ] Oh, it’s great to be here! Did you have a good summer? I had a good summer – goofing around in this movie, “George of the Jungle.” Thank you, thank you. You know, it’s funny – people come up to me now and say, “Hey, George!” Or.. “You’re that guy, George.” Or.. “Hey! It’s fifty bucks for a table dance – George! I mean, it’s great. But not that many people get to know the real Brendan Fraser, and that’s why I thought it would be nice for you to get to know the real me. Know the things that Brendan really likes.
[ soft piano music pots up ]
I like, um.. the tender love of a good woman.
I like donating my time to charities.
I like milk.
I like slacks that come with a built-in belt.
I like taking long walks on the beach holding a shotgun that has my nickname scratched into it – “Real Cool Guy.”
I like watching “Breaking 2: Electric Boogaloo.” With the sound turned off.
I like standing outside “The Today Show” and licking the window.
I like that my internet name is “Frendan Braser”, and nobody knows that it’s me! [ laughs slyly ]
I like referring to couches as Davenports.
I like pretending blueberry Kool-Aid is Windex, and making believe I’ve been poisoned!
I like being the king of my world, especially that two-acre world I made out of oatmeal and popsicle sticks.
I like you. A lot. Really. Do you want to hang out some time? If you do, then just check the Yes box.
[ Yes and No boxes appear on the screen ]
And, if oyu don’t, then check the No box. [ quickly ] I like the Yes box.
I like scrambled eggs made of love.
I like tonight’s musical guest – Bjork.
[ audience applauds ]
And I like that we have a great show tonight!
But what I really like is saying, “Stick around, we’ll be right back!” So.. stick around, we’ll be right back!
Frank Gifford…..Darrell Hammond Dan Dierdorf…..Will Ferrell Al Michaels…..Norm MacDonald …..Eric Dickerson
[ open on pan of exterior football stadium ]
Frank Gifford V/O: A beautiful night here in Northern California. A spectacular sight, a world-famous site – downtown San Francisco, here at 3Com Park. We’ll have a good cowd tonight, as the San Francisco 49ers go up against the Jacksonville Jaguars, here on “Monday Night Football”.
[ dissolve to Frank Gifford, Al Michaels and Dan Dierdorf on the sidelines ]
Frank Gifford: Hello again, everyone. Frank Gifford, with al Michaels and Dan Dierdorf, and.. Dan, what a night for football.
Dan Dierdorf: That’s right, Frank! In fact —
Frank Gifford: [ interrupting, dominating the commentary ] It’s a good game coming up for you tonight – Jacksonville at San Francisco! The 49ers coming off a big win over Tampa Bay, they’re 5 and 1, and their new coach has them riding high! Al Michaels, this one should be a dandy!
Al Michaels: Absolutely, Frank, we’ve got —
Frank Gifford: [ interrupting again ] As for Jacksonville, this is a good-looking team, a rising team, a young team, a talented football team! They came into the season thinking great things for this football team. The combination of Mark Brunell and these Jaguars seem like a match made in heaven! But, then, as happens in all marriages, it went terribly wrong.
Dan Dierdorf: [ starting to get worried ] Okay, uh, Frank..?
Frank Gifford: Mark Brunell going down due to a knee injury pre-season, against the New York Giants, August 9th. A moment of human weakness for Mark Brummell, just a man like all of us, with certain frailties and urges. and, worst of all, the whole ugly affair secretly captured on videotape!
Al Michaels: [ stunned ] Well, that’s great, Frank. Anyway, we’re about to kick off —
Frank Gifford: It’s supposed to be a private affair, between two consenting football teams! I guess there’s no such thing as privacy anymore! A momentary lapse resulting in public humiliation, the details of which, graphically recounted in Star Magazine. And, as if that isn’t bad enough, every morning he has to watch the Jacksonsville Jaguars sit down with a little guy named Regis! Yucking it up! Like the Jaguars never made a mistake in her whole life! I mean, Mark Brunell’s been with the Jaguars for so long, through thick and thin.. like that old K-Mart sweatshop thing. Then he blows out his knee out one time, and someone cuts his picture out of all the wedding photos!
Dan Dierdorf: [ dearly worried for Frank ] F-Frank.. why don’t we —
Frank Gifford: I guess if Eve hadn’t taken a bite from that apple, we’d all be perfect like the Man Upstairs. And poor Natrone Means, the Jaguars running back – who I’ll refer to as “Cody” from now on – getting caught in the middle of this whole sordid affair. It’s just not right! [ changing the subject ] So, gentlemen, what do you make of the field conditions for today’s game?
Al Michaels: Well.. [ coughs ] The field seems.. pretty.. good..
Dan Dierdorf: Yes.. yes, it does. Anyway —
Frank Gifford: Just when you think the whole thing’s blown over, the New York Giants show up on the cover of Playboy wrapped in a towel!
Dan Dierdorf: Hey, Frank, we’ve got a special guest in the booth tonight. Former NFL great, Rams running back – Eric Dickerson!
[ Al Michaels steps aside, as Eric Dickerson enters frame ]
Frank Gifford: Well, thanks for joining us, Eric. What do you make of this match-up tonight?
Eric Dickerson: Well, Frank, these two teams could very well —
Frank Gifford: [ interrupting again, more agitated ] Well, I’ve had enough of those Jaguars, I’m telling you! It’s enough to make a man go out and blow out his knee again! It’s not like he has anything to lose. Who knows, maybe Mark Brunell will go get his knee blown out tonight – freaky-style! – with, like, three other teams, maybe. It’s gonna be wild! We’ll be back with more Monday Night Football action after this commercial break. [ muttering to himself ] I mean, Mark Brunnel is still a good-looking man, and women do find him very appealing..
Housewife: I love my family, but cleaning up after them can be a full-time job. That’s when I reach for Lemon Glow.
[ Music Over: “Lemon Tree” ]
Housewife: Only ten years ago, a clean kitchen was the last thing on my mind. I was sleeping in doorways and unlocked cars, and I had a pretty nasty speed habit. Hell, back then I’d do anyone who owned a motorcycle. I remember this one time in.. 1983 – I was going out with Frank. We got into a vicious fight because I made out with this Puerto Rican guy at the OTB. So I cut him with a broken ashtray.
[ admiring floor ] Wow! Look at that shine!
That night, while he was sleeping, I shot his dog and burned his house on fire. I never did find out if he woke up or not. And then after shacking up with Iggy Pop for a month, I met Ted.
Husband: [ entering kitchen ] Hey!
Housewife: [ surprised ] Hi! [ to camera ] To be honest, this whole family thing started out as a con. I was going to play Ted like a punk and sell his telescope for pot. But with Lemon Glow on my side, I think I’ll stay.
Announcer: Lemon Glow. For the home you weren’t sure you wanted.
[Opens with wide shot of “Issues” set: A chair, sofa and coffee table in front of a brick wall with a giant marijuana leaf hanging on it. Theme music plays. Cut to close-up of Jeffrey and co-host on the sofa. Co-host is giggling as Jeffrey talks.]
Jeffrey: [Eats some potato chips.] Hi. Hi, um, I’m Jeffrey Kauffman. Welcome to “Issues,” the show dedicated to the legalization of marijuana. But, no, but-but not today. Not today. [Co-host giggles and shakes his head.] ‘Cause people say that’s all we talk about. But we’re not, not today. Today, we’re talking about community issues. [Co-host keeps giggling] And as always, my co-host… [Jeffrey looks over at co-host giggling, which causes him to giggle for a second.] You all right, man? You going to be able to go through this, man? All right. If you say so. I’m gonna–Where’s your head at, man? [Co-host points to his head, then to the table.] All right, you’re here, you’re here. All right. So–I’m gonna go with you on that one. Now, today we have a guest. And she wanted to talk about some issues. [Co-host cracks up.] What, man? What’re you laughing at?
Co-host: The show, man. It’s called “Issues.”
Jeffrey: Yeah, so, the show’s called that. [Begins laughing along with co-host.] I see what you’re laughin’ at. That’s really funny. All right. [Takes a deep breath to regain his composure and turns to guest.] So, what–what’s your issue?
Guest: Well, Jeffrey.
Jeffrey: Uh, you know what? You know what? Call me, um … uh … oh, call … Just call me Jeffrey, man. I’m sorry.
Guest: O-Okay, Jeffrey, I’m here today to talk about the annual Saint Paul’s Festival …
Jeffrey: Eh, you know what? I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t make any sense just now. I was trying to think about what my friends called me in high school and I lost track and … I’m sorry. You’re talking about the festival thing. Go on, I’m sorry.
Guest: Well, it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival where we raise money to buy playground equipment for children, and…. [Jeffrey starts eating chips again, not paying attention, while co-host starts giggling again.] Hello? Hello?
Jeffrey: What?
Guest: Are-Are you all right?
Jeffrey: Oh yeah, yeah, no, I’m listening. You got your festival thing and everyone’s there and, no, I’m with you. I’m with you.
Guest: Well, there’ll be a cake walk and a bake sale.
Co-host: Bake sale? I’ll be there!
Jeffrey: [Laughing with co-host] Bake sale, he’ll be there! That’s funny! [Calms down.] Tell us about the festival.
Co-host: No. Tell us more about the baking! [Jeffrey and co-host laugh.]
Jeffrey: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please go on. Please go on. [Co-host is doubled over with laughter.]
Guest: Well, the festival is this Wednesday and it’s… [Tries to continue over the hosts’ laughter] … 10 A.M. to 10 P.M. at the fairgrounds.
Jeffrey: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. [To co-host] Listen, you gotta go in the other room. Get out. In the other room.
Co-host: No!
Jeffrey: Yes, go. Get outta here. [Hands co-host the bag of chips as he exits.] Take these with you. I don’t want anymore. [Calms down.] Okay, I really want to go to this festival, okay. So, when-when does it start?
Guest: [Impatiently.] It’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It starts at 10 A.M. and it goes until 10 P.M.
Co-host: [Yelling off-camera] I hope I don’t miss the bake sale. [Laughs]
Jeffrey: [Laughing] Hope he don’t miss the bake sale. That’s funny! [Panicked] Oh no! Oh no, oh no! What time is it?! Is it after three?
Co-host: I knew you were gonna forget, man!
Jeffrey: [Clutches head] Oh, no! I was supposed to pick up my parents at the airport at three! Oh my God, we’re dead. I’m so dead. [Runs out.]
Co-host: You blew it, man.
Guest: [Looks at camera.] Well it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It starts at 10 A.M., and it …
[Jeffrey and co-host run back to the set.]
Jeffrey: I gotta get my keys. Hold on, where’s my keys? Oh my God, I’m so dead.
Guest: I’m sorry, I don’t know.
Jeffrey: [Co-host shows him the keys.] What are you doing? You got me nuts.
Co-host: You told me to keep ’em, man. [Both exit.]
Jeffrey: You were supposed to remind me, man.
Guest: Again, it’s the Saint Paul’s Festival. It’s this Wednesday, and it starts at 10 A… [Theme music cuts her off.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 23: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: October 18th, 1997 Brendan Fraser Björk None Eric Dickerson Janet Reno’s FantasySummary: Alone in her bedroom, emotionally-disturbed Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) fantasizes about President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton, John Conyers. Transcript
Montage
Brendan Fraser’s MonologueSummary: Brendan Fraser tells the audience all the things he likes. Bio: Brendan Fraser (1968-). Actor; films include: “Twenty Bucks” (1993), “Airheads” (1994), “George of the Jungle” (1997), “The Mummy” (1999). Also Hosts: 98m. Cameos: 00a. Transcript
Lemon GlowSummary: The illuminating floor cleaner provides a renewed life for a suburban housewife (Molly Shannon) who used to live the wild life. Transcript
Xena: Warrior PrincessSummary: Hints of lesbianism arise for Xena (Molly Shannon) during her sword battle with Erstwina (Brendan Fraser). Transcript
IssuesSummary: Stoners Jeffrey Kaufman (Jim Brueur) and his buddy (Brendan Fraser) can’t control their laughter while interviewing a community leader (Ana Gasteyer). Recurring Characters: Jeffrey Kaufman. Transcript
Delicious DishSummary: Gourd expert Cameron Ross (Brendan Fraser) talks squash with Margaret Jo McCullin (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon). Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullin, Teri Rialto.
The Go-LordsSummary: The Go-Lords save a stolen nuclear warhead from Bill Gates.
Monday Night FootballSummary: Frank Gifford (Darrell Hammond) can’t keep his personal strife at home out of game commentary. Recurring Characters: Frank Gifford, Al Michaels. Bio: Eric Dickerson (1960-). Athlete; was a professional running back for the NFL teams Los Angeles Rams (1983-87), Indianapolis Colts (1987-91), Los Angeles Raiders (1992), and Atlanta Falcons (1993). Transcript
Collette ReardonSummary: Collette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) again bothers a pharmacist (Brendan Fraser) to fill her abnormally large prescription order. Recurring Characters: Collette Reardon.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldRecurring Characters: Harry Caray. Transcript
Björk performs “Bachelorette”Bio: Björk (1965-). Icelandic singer-songwriter; member of The Sugarcubes, 1986-92; released her debut solo album in 1993. Also Performs: 06r.
BiographySummary: Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) profiles the life of rocker Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) on his 500th show. Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Courtney Love.
MangoSummary: While at a male strip club against his own will, family man John Richardson (Brendan Fraser) falls under the spell of the enigmatic dancer known only as Mango (Chris Kattan). Recurring Characters: Mango.
The Shark ChannelSummary: All-shark programming all the time. Transcript
Buddy SongsSummary: The cast is creeped out by Brendan Fraser’s too-close friendship with Will Ferrell.
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm Macdonald.Now, the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Yesterday, just yesterday, in a letter to Congress,Attorney General Janet Reno absolved President Clintonof almost all charges of campaign finance reform.According to Reno, there is no evidence he misused hisoffice to raise money, improperly allowed contributorsto stay overnight at the White House, or soughtcontributions in exchange for political favors. Youknow, it’s hard for me to believe this but, for JanetReno to send this letter, I guess it must be true: thePresident’s sleeping with her, too. It’s …[scattered applause] It’s beyond comprehensionbut–
Earlier today, some six hundred thousand members ofthe Promise Keepers, the evangelical men’s group,convened in Washington, D. C. for a day of prayer andrepentance. Oh, no! I – I promised to go to thatthing! And I forgot! DAMN IT TO HELL! … It’s mywife’s fault! She didn’t remind me, that dirty–! …Oh, well.
More bad news for O. J. Simpson. This week, a LosAngeles court ordered him to turn over his HeismanTrophy to the Goldman family. In addition, the samecourt may order Simpson to surrender a coffee muginscribed, “World’s Greatest Husband” …
A new development in the Marv Albert story. This week,his accuser, Vanessa Perhatch, [photo of Perhatchappears] decided to go public, allowing news agenciesto print her name and picture. Following thepublications of the photograph, legal experts wereleft wondering — who was the realvictim? … [cheers and applause, Norm jerks athumb at the photo] Not easy on the eye! …
In a recent interview on the subject of parenting,Jane Fonda admitted that it wasn’t easy to talk to herchildren about sex. But she felt it was necessarybecause she did not want them to learn about sex theway that she did — by reading North Vietnamesepropaganda pamphlets. … We’re not gonna forget that– Hanoi Jane! …
It was a bad week for the restaurant chain Hooters.The company has been forced to pay 3.75 milliondollars to settle a sex discrimination suit brought bymale job applicants who claim that its policy ofhiring only women is unfair. The settlement was hailedas a landmark case — for guys who try to ruineverything. … [cheers and applause] You don’t wannago to Hooters and a dude shows up at your table,y’know? …
Action star Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedlyplanning to appear in an upcoming production of theBroadway musical “The King and I.” Schwarzenegger saysthat, in contrast to other actors’ portrayals of theKing of Siam, his will be really, reallyhorrible. …
Also in entertainment, the play “Hiroshima,” a tributeto the victims of the first atomic bomb, with musicand singing by Yoko Ono, opened in New York City thisweek. One tearful Japanese survivor of the attack whoattended the premiere called the play, quote, “themost horrifying experience of my life”! … [applause]
And in entertainment news, Ellen DeGeneres and loverAnne Heche have announced that they want to have ababy. However, their plan has hit a snag. They areboth women! … [applause] It’s – It is notpossible to – have a child.
Well, Bart, the eighteen hundred pound bear whoco-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in themovie “The Edge,” reportedly earns a whopping tenthousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A smallamount of the grizzly’s income goes toward thepreservation of bears’ natural habitat. Bart spendsthe remaining money on bear whores and cocaine.…
And, on a happier note, in Massachusetts, the 119-acreDunn Pond State Park has the state’s first naturetrail designed for the handicapped. Along the trail,you will find a rich variety of birds, lizards andinsects — all of them handicapped. So … It’snot really a very good trail, y’know? …
And, next summer in Battle Creek, Michigan, Kellogg’swill open Cereal City, a new, eighteen million dollartheme park. [pulls tape recorder from pocket,activates it and speaks into it] Note to self: startbuying upland next to cereal theme park – then openmilk theme park … And watch the money rollin! … [shuts off recorder and pockets it with asmug grin] …
[Photo of midget with oversized head resemblingactor/comedian Eddie Murphy] Well, finally, theGuinness Book of World Records announced this weekthat Gul Mohammed of New Delhi, at 22.8 inches tall,is the shortest man in the world — to have EddieMurphy’s head. … [applause]
Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell Ronald Culberston…..Matthew Perry
Announcer: From the outermost reaches of the universe to the innermost planets of our solar system – This is Space: The Infinite Frontier. With your host, Chicago Cubs’ broadcaster, Harry Caray.
Harry Caray: Hi everybody! Harry Caray here! And welcome to Space: The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya’. Joining us in the studio today is U.S. astronaut, Ronald Culbertson. Welcome to the show Ronald.
Ronald Culbertson: Well, thank you Harry. It’s a pleasure to be here.
Harry Caray: Now, Ronald, you’ve just returned from the troubled Russian space station Mir. What’s goin’ on up there?
Ronald Culbertson: Well, Harry, the first thing you have to understand is that the Mir space station is eleven years old and was only designed to-
Harry Caray: Now, Ronald, it must be fun dressing up like an astronaut: the helmet, the boots,….the ray gun.
Ronald Culbertson: Ray gun?
Harry Caray: It’s good to indulge your inner child, cause without that you got nothin’.
Ronald Culbertson: Harry, I’m a real astronaut. I don’t just play “dress-up.”
Harry Caray: Don’t be ashamed Ronald. Hell, last Halloween I dressed up like one of those Frankenstein monsters. Bolts in the neck….the whole nine yards.
Ronald Culbertson: Well,…that must have been fun for you.
Harry Caray: The effect was positively eerie. Really scared some folks. In fact, a buddy of mine died of a heart attack when he saw me.
Ronald Culbertson: I’m sorry to hear that.
Harry Caray: Yeah. So, technically, I’m a murderer.
(Uncomfortable pause. Ronald is searching for words.)
Harry Caray: Hey Ronald! Ya’ ever been sucked into a black hole?
Ronald Culbertson: No…
Harry Caray: I have. It’s an area of infinite gravity and density from which not even light can escape. It’s called,’A Weekend at My Mother-in-Law’s.’
Ronald Culbertson: That’s very funny, Harry.
Harry Caray: Hey, don’t raise your voice at me!
Ronald Culbertson: I…I didn’t.
Harry Caray: Well, just don’t do it.
(Another uncomfortable pause.)
Harry Caray: Hey Ronald! Did ya’ hear they cloned a sheep?
Ronald Culbertson: Yes, I did.
Harry Caray: Hey! What if they cloned a dinosaur?…Would ya’ eat it?
Ronald Culbertson: You know, I haven’t really given it much thought.
Harry Caray: I know I would. Char broiled dinosaur covered in gravy. Side of curly fries. I bet they’d call it the Dinosaur Special.
Ronald Culbertson: Yes, I guess they would.
Harry Caray: So how ’bout it Ronald? Would you eat a dinosaur?
Ronald Culbertson: What…What does this have to do with…
Harry Caray: Hey, don’t jerk me around Ronald! It’s a simple question! Would you eat a dinosaur?
Ronald Culbertson: I guess I would.
Harry Caray: I think you’ve made a wise choice. Boy, I wish those scientists would hurry up. I’m gettin’ hungry.
Ronald Culbertson: Well, Harry, I’m sure that kind of cloning is a long way off.
Harry Caray: I hope so, cuz’ when they start cloning humans…Sure it would be good for the species, but emotionally, we’d all be dead!
(Ronald is looking very perplexed.)
Harry Caray: Well, that’s all the time we have. Before we leave, one important program note: Next week we’ll be broadcasting from the center of the Sun.
(Stage hand leans in and whispers in Harry’s ear.)
Harry Caray: Oh, thanks Pete. Apparently, the center of the Sun is eight billion degrees. You probably knew that, Ronald.
Ronald Culbertson: Yes. I did.
Harry Caray: So I guess we’ll stay right here. That’s kind of a relief. See ya’ next time! Cubs win! Cubs win!
[open on classroom with students, Mr. Bennett sits on a desk in front and drinks coffee]
Mr. Bennett: Oh, and class, whoever parked in my space, thank you. I enjoyed the walk.
Kevin: You’re welcome.
Mr. Bennett: Yeah, there’s nothing like an hour in the rain.
Jane: Oh, wait-wait-wait! Oh, I get it. You’re saying that because you don’t want him to park in your spot.
Mr. Bennett: Very good, you win the trip to Jamaica.
Kevin: Hey, wait a minute! You didn’t say there was a prize.
Mr. Bennett: Wow, could you be any stupider?
[Marissa enters through door]
Marissa: Excuse me, is this Sarcasm 101?
Mr. Bennett: No, it’s Lamaze class for men named Arthur.
Marissa: Oh, okay, sorry. [turns to exit]
Mr. Bennett: I’m kidding. It is Sarcasm 101. Be more gullible. Take any seat you want. [Marissa begins to sit at a desk near the front] Except that one. I’m kidding. Sit down.
Marissa: [sits] It’s really hard to tell.
Mr. Bennett: Thank you. What’s your name?
Marissa: Marissa.
Mr. Bennett: Well done. Marissa has just learned what? Anyone, anyone, Bueller?
Brian: Good sarcasm is hard to distinguish from normal speech.
Tom: Could you be more of a teacher’s pet?
Mr. Bennett: Tom, I heard that. Good one. Okay, last week’s assignment was how you would describe the food in England. Jane?
Jane: The food is so good there.
Mr. Bennett: Excellent.
Tom: Boiling everything is a really super-smart way to cook everything.
Mr. Bennett: Well done. Kevin?
Kevin: When my dad eats, he sounds like a pig!
Mr. Bennett: No, no, that couldn’t be more wrong.
Kevin: But–
Mr. Bennett: And just so you know, Kevin, I don’t like it when you say things.
Kevin: My dad’s from England!
Mr. Bennett: See, I see your mouth moving and I hear all these sounds, but it’s just, like, coming out like, “Whooo, blah-be-boo, woo, my dad, my dad!” So you see, Marissa, England is famous for having awful food, so–
Marissa: Why do you have to criticize everybody? I mean, I’m sure they have some good food.
Mr. Bennett: Oh, let’s see. What was I going to say in response to that? Oh, right, “I don’t care.”
Marissa: See, now you’re just being rude.
Mr. Bennett: Be more sensitive.
Jane: Way to take a joke, Marissa.
Mr. Bennett: Good one.
Tom: Hey, Marissa. Marissa, whenever you talk I want to have sex with you even less.
Mr. Bennett: That’s not quite sarcasm, Tom, but an excellent try.
Marissa: You people are cruel!
Mr. Bennett: [mockingly] “You people are cruel!” That wasn’t sarcasm. I just enjoyed doing that. Okay, quick pop quiz for everybody, okay? You walk into a bar and you see a fat, ugly, disgusting guy in the corner. You turn to your friends and you say…what?
Brian: Could he be any larger?
Jane: Could he be any uglier?
Kevin: He looks like my dad!
Mr. Bennett: Whoah, Kevin, try again.
Kevin: He looks a great deal like my…dad!
Mr. Bennett: Class?
Class: Be more stupid?
Marissa: You’re not very nice!
Mr. Bennett: No, no, no, try saying it, “Could you be any meaner?”
Marissa: I don’t think you could be.
Mr. Bennett: Marissa, why did you come here?
Marissa: My mother says I have no sense of humor.
Mr. Bennett: Re-he-heally?
Brian: Mr. Bennett, I was wondering if we could waste more time catering to Marissa’s mommy issues instead of actually learning something?
Mr. Bennett: Excellent, Brian.
Marissa: I don’t see what’s so funny!
Tom: Now there’s a shocker.
Jane: I nominate Marissa for class president because of her incisive wit.
Marissa: You people just don’t know when to stop! [cries]
Brian: Why don’t you cry about it?
Mr. Bennett: Hey, hey, hey. [a beat] Great one.
Tom: Hey, Mr. Bennett, I think that’s enough, man. I think she’s really crying.
Jane: Yeah, Mr. Bennett, lay off now.
Kevin: I want to take a bath with Marissa! I mean, that is to say, could I want more to…to…Can I take a bath with Marissa?
[Marissa stops crying, stands, and walks to the front of the room]
Marissa: Brian, excellent. Jane, be weaker. Tom, be more of a baby. And, Kevin, no, you can not.
Mr. Bennett: Everybody, meet Marissa Langford, my teaching assistant.
Tom: She was faking?
Marissa: Catch on slower.
Kevin: Hey! I don’t think she’s really a student.
Marissa: Be a bigger moron.
Kevin: Can I still take a bath with you, or?
Mr. Bennett: All right, that’s time, people. Tonight’s assignment is to be glib to somebody you’re afraid of.
Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows Caller #1…..Molly Shannon Caller #2….. Caller #3…..Cheri Oteri Martell…..Tracy Morgan Caller #4…..Colin Quinn
Leon Phelps: I am Leon Phelps, and how y’all doing tonight? I am ready for the show, I’ve got some Courvoisier cognac, and my scented candles, and I’m ready to take your calls, so, uh, just dial the number that you see flashing below there, and you can talk to me, Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man. Alright. Go ahead, caller.
Caller #1: Hi. Is this The Ladies Man?
Leon Phelps: It’s a lady!
Caller #1: Yeah, uh, I got really drunk, and I had unprotected sex with this guy I met at a bar last night.
Leon Phelps: Well, that sounds alright.
Caller #1: No. I’m really scared. I mean, what if I get a disease?
Leon Phelps: Well, it’s cool, because, uh, you know, I have been with many fine ladies, and, uh, many of them were very skanky, and, consequently, The Ladies Man has had a few diseases. But I have rebounded every time. That’s why they call me The Ladies Man. So, Caller, never look back, and practice safe intercourse, okay? Alright, next caller?
Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man? Yeah, uh, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now, and we like to have sex and all, but..
Leon Phelps: Hey, that sounds good to me!
Caller #2: It gets kind of boring, so is there any way we can, uh, spice up our love life?
Leon Phelps: Well, yes. There are a number of possibilities that you can pursue. Uh.. may I suggest you consider the butt?
Caller #2: [ quickly hangs up the phone, eager to takesuggestion ]
Leon Phelps: Hello? Alright, then, I’m going to take a sip off this Courvoisier, ’cause it’s getting chilly in here. [ sips Courvoisier ] Alright, then, next caller, go ahead. This is The Ladies Man.
Caller #3: Hello, Ladies Man.
Leon Phelps: Hey, it’s a lady! How you feeling tonight, lady?
Caller #3: Well, not so good. I’m having some problems with my self-esteem.
Leon Phelps: Your self-esteem. Yeah. Now, what is that?
Caller #3: Well.. I don’t feel good about myself.
Leon Phelps: Oh no, now, that’s not good. Uh, why do you feel that way?
Caller #3: Well, I have a bit of a weight problem, and it’s hard, you know, to meet guys.
Leon Phelps: Yeah, yeah, well, The Ladies Man is here to help you. Um.. so tell me, uh, how fat are you?
Caller #3: I’m like, 210.
Leon Phelps: Now, that is big. Um, I was not expecting you to say anything over 200 pounds. Uh, I was basically expecting, like, 130, 135.. yeah, you are a big woman. Um, my advice to you is to, uh, avoid any type of food product that your neighborhood supermarket might try to sell you. [tips glass] But here’s to you, Fat Lady. The Ladies Man loves you, but not in any type of sexual, or love-type way. [laughing] I see my stage manager Martell finds the plight of that last call amusing.
Martell: Hey, yo, Leon, whatchoo doing after the show tonight, man? You going to the club?
Leon Phelps: No, no, no, no. I’ve got some plans, man.
Martell: So, whatchoo gonna be doing then, bro?
Leon Phelps: Well, um, I don’t want to get into the particulars, um.. but I know that a bottle of Courvoisier and a lady will definitely be involved, you know what I mean?
Martell: Right on, then!
Leon Phelps: Yeah. Okay, next caller, go ahead. You got The Ladies Man.
Caller #4: Yeah, hi, Ladies Man. Sometimes when I’m in the shower at the gym, with a bunch of guys, I get aroused. Is that normal?
Leon Phelps: Yes, basically, that is a normal response. It’s natural to have those kind of feelings, but, uh, what I want to know is, uh, how a fine lady like yourself could have such a deep voice?
Caller #4: I’m a man.
Leon Phelps: Well, the first thing I would tell you is to keep that secret to yourself, you know? Um, that is something that you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life, and you can never tell. Thank you, Caller. Uh, listen, at this point, I feel that I should say to my viewers that, uh, The Ladies Man does not want any more calls like that. Okay? Because those calls, they disturb The Ladies Man, okay? Thanks very much. Well, I can tell by the empty bottle of Courvoisier that it is time to say goodnight. So, uh, look out, ladies, ’cause here comes Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man!
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