Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Dramatic Giuliani

…..Chris Kattan
…..Molly Shannon
…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
…..Colin Quinn

[ open on Chris Kattan talking to a showgirl backstage ]

Chris Kattan: — As I was saying: I play this character called “Mr. Peppers”. He’s a half-man, half-monkey, and he eats an apple like this — [ he demonstrates the motion as Molly Shannon walks forward ]

Showgirl: I see —

Molly Shannon: Excuse me… excuse me. I need Kattan for one minute. [ the showgirl steps away ] Okay, thanks. Chris, have you seen the Mayor? He’s, like — he’s, like, really gotten into this performing thing.

Chris Kattan: Yeah, of course he’s into it. The guy throws himself into everything he does.

Molly Shannon: No! That’s not what I mean!

Chris Kattan: Look, Molly, don’t even worry about it. I mean, the guy — he’s the mayor of the toughest city in the world. Come on.

Molly Shannon: Yeah —

[ Mayor Rudolph Giuliani walks up to Chris and Molly, dressed in a foppish outfit with a powdered wig atop his head ]

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Chris, Molly — could you do me a favor?

Chris Kattan: Yeah — sure.

Molly Shannon: Ss–sure.

Chris Kattan: Yeah.

Molly Shannon: Whatever.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Let’s not bother with the formalities, “Chrissie”. Please call me… “Rudolph”.

Chris Kattan: O-kayyy… “Rudolph.” Um — shouldn’t you get dressed for the monologue?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Well, that’s exactly the problem, . That dreadful man in the costume department is trying to put me in some drab, tacky little suit for my entrance! I look like a… begger!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Friggin’ Giuliani!

Irate Cabdriver…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Fare #1…..Will Ferrell
Fare #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Fare #3…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on interior, New York City taxi cab ]

Cabdriver: Where to?

Fare #1: Uh.. 14th and 3rd.

Cabdriver: You got it.

Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss. Just buckle your seatbelt. Don’t act like some bigshot. Just put it on. Now! [ eerie laughter ]

Fare #1: What the hell was that?

Cabdriver: Celebrities tellin’ people to put their seatbelts on. The Mayor put a tape in every cab. Friggin’ Guiliani! Can you believe what he did to 42nd Street?

Fare #1: Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s great!

Cabdriver: Great? You gotta be kiddin’. I’ll take porn over Disney any day! Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #1: Well, he’s just trying to clean up the city.

Cabdriver: Listen, I’ve lived in this city for forty-four years. I was born here, and I can tell ya, three things make New York great: crime, noise and porn!

Fare #1: You know, some people like a clean city.

Cabdriver: Where do you come from?

Fare #1: Boston.

Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!

Fare #1: What?

Cabdriver: You heard me. Go back to Beantown, you hippie! [ Fare #1 exits the cab ]

Recording: This is Richard Dreyfuss again. Don’t forget your belongings, or you’ll be saying goodbye.. girl.. to your wallet. Just do it!

Cabdriver: [ honks horn ] Move it, you piece of garbage limo! [ slows down and picks up Fare #2 ]

Fare #2: 1236 Park Avenue, please.

Cabdriver: Well, la-dee-dah!

Fare #2: Eh-excuse me?

Cabdriver: Nothin’, nothin’, nothin’..

Recording: This is Bob Costas, reminding you to buckle up your seatbelt, to save and protect you. Like a young Willie Mayes reaching over his shoulder..

Fare #2: Can you shut this off?

Cabdriver: Sit tight, honey. It’s almost over.

Recording: ..Hall of Fame glove. So, buckle up. Willie Mayes.. and.. Henry James, would have wanted it that way.

Fare #2: Doesn’t that drive you crazy?

Cabdriver: What choice do I have? I’m driving double-shift on my brother-in-law’s rented medallion. Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #2: I’m sorry to hear that.

Cabdriver: The mayor says we have to buy a new cab every five years. He raised medallion rentals! I’ve been drivin’ eighty hours straight just to break even!

Fare #2: Shouldn’t you go home?

Cabdriver: I’ll be fine. [ slowly dozes off ]

Fare #2: Wake up!

Cabdriver: Wha..? What..?

Fare #2: You should get some sleep.

Cabdriver: Guiliani should get some sleep!

Fare #2: That doesn’t make any sense.

Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!

Fare #2: Actually, I agree with you. Guiliani has placed too much emphasis on safety for the rich instead of programs for the poor.

Cabdriver: Really? Is that what you think? Where are you from?

Fare #2: I moved here a year ago from Chicago.

Cabdriver: [ slams brakes ] Get outta my cab!

Fare #2: Because I’m from Chicago?

Cabdriver: Yeah! Now, get out! And tell Michael Jordan he travels every time he dribbles the ball! [ Fare #2 exits the cab ]

Recording: It’s time to leave.. and.. check your belongings.. and.. I’m reminded of the retirement of..

Cabdriver: [ bangs tape ] Shut up! Shut up! [ honks horn at pedestrian ] Stupid pedestrian! Move it, you bastard! What are you, blind?

Voice of Pedestrian: Yes, I am blind!

Cabdriver: [ stunned ] I’m very sorry. I didn’t know that. [ slows down and picks up Fare #3 ]

Fare #3: 87th and Columbus.

Cabdriver: You got it.

Recording: This is James Earl Jones. Buckle up your seatbelt or.. you.. will.. die! [ Fare #3 quickly buckles up ]

Cabdriver: [ laughing ] That’s the only one that works!

Fare #3: Hey, stop by the Disney Store on the way, man, I wanna get my daughter some Flub-A-Lub.

Cabdriver: That’s fine. I’ll catch a peep show while I wait.

Fare #3: Word is bond?

Cabdriver: Friggin’ Guiliani!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Graffiti

…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: We’ve brought New York a long way in the past few years, but there’s still a lot to be done. One of the things we won’t tolerate any more is grafitti. We got it off the subway, but there’s still a lot of idiots out there who are trying to turn our streets into an eyesore. So, this time, we’re getting tough!

From now on, every time you write your name in grafitti on public property, we’re going to put the word “Sucks” right under it. That’s right. Instead of being Mr. Cool, everyone’s going to think you suck. Our trained staff of police artists will make it look like you wrote it.

For two-time offenders, we’re going to put “Sucks Big Time“. Think how embarrassed you’ll be when your friends see your name that way. I know I’d be.

So, the next time you think about defacing public property, think about this. In your face, punk!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Controlling the Airwaves

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Bill Gates…..Chris Kattan
Ted Turner…..Will Ferrell
Rupert Murdoch…..Jim Breuer

[“Men Behaving Badly” is on. Two men appear to play hockey in an apartment hallway.]

Man: Ready?

[The President logo cuts in.]

Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast of Men Behaving Badly to bring you this special announcement from the President of the United States.

Bill Clinton: Good evening. My fellow Americans, I come before you tonight to discuss important recent developments in Iraq. At 7:20 this evening, Saddam Hussein sent a –

[The Microsoft logo cuts in.]

Announcer: We interrupt this message from the president to bring you this more important message from Microsoft CEO, Bill Gates.

Bill Gates: Hello, America! I just wanted to break into the airwaves to let everyone know I’m doing fine, despite heavy losses in a recent stock market crash, or “distraction,” as I refer to it. I must admit, it was my fault! I was trying to download a naked picture of Agent Scully and I hit a wrong key! Whoops! But, I took heavy losses as well. The other day, I had to use a coupon to buy a Monet! I was . . .

[The CNN logo cuts in.]

Announcer: This is Ted Turner.

Ted Turner: Hi everyone, I’m Ted Turner, owner of CNN, the Atlanta Braves, and Jane Fonda’s lover. No matter how big old Billy Gates docks, he still can’t get near what I just done, cause last month I gave one billion dollars to the United Nations. That’s right, I bought the sucker! Now maybe finally Zaire can get that superstation they deserve. I’m also talking with Peru about . . .

[Bill Gates cuts in. He angrily smacks a key, then turns back to the screen.]

Bill Gates: Don’t screw with me, Turner. Because in a simple keystroke of my computer, I can un-colorize all your colorized films. And with this key, I can un-colorize you!

[Ted Turner cuts back in.]

Ted Turner: TV is my world Gates, so watch your ass. [The screen suddenly turns black-and-white.] What? What the hell?

[Bill Clinton cuts in.]

Bill Clinton: And by giving Rhode Island to Iraq, we can reach –

[The News Corporation logo interrupts.]

Announcer: And now, a very important message from Rupert Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Rupert Murdoch here. Got tired of hearing Gates and Turner squawking like chickens. You all know me, I own the Fox network. We produce such fine programs, as “When Animals Attack Porno Stars,” and I also just bought the Dodgers. Not because I’m trying to compete with Ted Turner, I just love baseball. Go send . . .

[Bill Gates cuts back in.]

Bill Gates: Turner, Murdoch, you make me laugh. You’re only worth, like, five billion apiece! I give out that much to trick-or-treaters! Why am I so rich? [whispers loudly] Because I get off on it! Now back your “president” as he finishes the speech I wrote for him last night when I was wasted.

[Bill Clinton shows up again.]

Bill Clinton: And there is no way you can tell me the dark side of the moon is better than exile on Main Street. [laughs] But you know, I love you man. Finally, I say to you, America, “Live from New York it’s” –

[Ted Turner cuts in.]

Ted Turner: No you don’t, Clinton, no you don’t! Live from New York, it’s –

Rupert Murdoch: Go to hell there Turner, go to hell! Live from New York, it’s Saturday –

Bill Gates: [giddily laughs] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Jon Lovitz’s Monologue

…..Jon Lovitz

Jon Lovitz: [ enjoying the applause received by the audience ] Thank yoooooooooooouu!! Well — [ coughes, accidentally belches ] Excuse me.. my lip has gas. Well, I’m thrilled to be back in New York, because I’m about to star on Broadway in a new one-man show entitled “Jon lovitz Is Jon Lovitz”. And you’re probably wondering, “Now, how did he get the part?” Well, I’ll tell you – I auditioned, like everyone else. Now, thousands of people showed up to audition; it was down to two people – me.. and Oprah Winfrey. Well.. Oprah got the part. But she could only commit for a month, so, then, I took over the role myself!

And what a show it is. Oh, we’ve got acting! Like this.. [ acting overdramatic ] “Oh, Mother.. Mother, I don’t feel good.. Mother, please! MOTHERRRRRRRR!!!” Acting! Thank you! [ audience applauds wildly ]

And we’ve got dancing.. [ shows off his magnificent comic dance moves ] Jealous?

And we’ve got.. singing.

[ SNL band backs up Lovitz ]

I’d like to dedicate this song.. to someone very special who’s here tonight. Someone who is the reason.. I get out of bed every morning.. and the person I love.. more than anyone else in the whole world.

[ wanders out into the audience, begins to sing ]

“Someday, when I’m awfully low –“

[ touches the cheek of a woman in the audience ]

How you doing?

“When the world is cold–“

[ points offscreen to another woman in the audience ]

Lookin’ good!

“I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you –“

[ walks over to a monitor with an image of him singing, and points at himself ]

“And the way you look.. tonight.”

[ runs back on stage, where another monitor with his image on it waits ]

“Yes, you’re lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There’s nothing for me
But to love you
And the way you look. tonight.”

We’ve got a great show! Jane’s Addiction is here! Yeah! Yeah! Jon Lovitz is here!

[ singing ] “So, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaaack!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times

…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: And now, Colin Quinn explains the New York Times.

Colin Quinn: The New York Times. Everything that you need to know about our world is right here in this paper. But do we read it? No. We all want to be the kind of people that read it, and say to yourself, “I’m going to start reading the Times every day”. But instead, we buy People magazine and watch Hard Copy, and life slowly slips away, doesn’t it? But don’t worry about it, because that’s what I’m here for. I’ll read the Times for you every day and break it down.

Okay, on Monday, we’ve got the President and Paula Jones. You don’t even have to know anything about this story, except that it’s the saddest scandal in history, okay, because nobody even had sex. What kind of country is it when the President can’t get people to go to bed with him.

Alright, but look here, on Tuesday, on page A3, we’ve got this guy in upstate New York who’s giving everybody AIDS. What the hell is that! I mean, on one hand, you’ve got the President coming up to girls, “Hi girls, I’m the President.” “Ewww, who cares, get away from me!” Then this guy, “Hi, I’m a crackhead homeless drug dealer. Just blew into town. Who wants to have sex?” “I do! Me too! Me next!”

Now, on Wednesday, here’s the Metro Section, we have the Bloods in New York. The Bloods – a group of guys going around cutting people. Not even just other gang members – just because you’re wearing red. Just for wearing red, they’ll cut you. I’d hate to be a department store Santa this Christmas, you know what I’m saying? You’re standing out there, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry – Ow! Son of a bitch! He cut me!” And the real Bloods in the interview, they say that these guys are just wannabes. No folks – wannabes are the two kids in Salt Lake City who wear their Utah Jazz caps backwards and listen to the Wu-Tang Clan when their parents are in church. A posse on the subway slicing people up with box-cutters? I don’t know, that seems like gang members to me. And where have the Crips been during all this? You know, the Crips are like Pepsi – you think they fired their marketing guy?

Alright. Let’s go to Thursday in the International section. What is this constant conflict with Iraq, you ask. I’ll explain the whole Iraq-global politics thing to you. Iraq is that drunk guy at the party that nobody likes, he’s kind of a creep, and he picks you out to try and ridicule you, because mostly everybody likes you, you’ve got the cute girlfriend, you’re American, you know. But he’s got a beat on you, he knows you’re a bit of a hypocrite, he makes you paranoid. You want to punch him in the face, shut him up, but that would make you look bad. And your pals, England and France, are like, “Don’t do it. Don’t sink down to his level.” So you try to be a gentleman about it and say to Iraq, “C’mon, Iraq, let’s just agree to disagree.” He smacks your hand away. So, later that night, you key his car. Or, as actually it happened, you kill his son with a missile.

Alright. Friday – let’s check out today’s sports. The Jets and Giants are in first place. The last time that happened, alright, I had long hair, I was out of work, smoking a joint, listening to the Allman Brothers and talking about the Vietnam War. That’s right – the last time that happened was 1995.

I’m Colin Quinn, thank you, good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacdonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm Macdonald: Thank you, I’m Norm Macdonald,now the fake news, our top story tonight:

Last night, ex-sportscaster Marv Albert and fianceeHeather Faulkner appeared on 20/20 with BarbaraWalters in what Albert admitted was an uphill battleto have a really hot three-way. …

Earlier today, following two weeks of provocation bySaddam Hussein over U.N. weapons inspection, PresidentClinton has issued his clearest warning yet to theIraqi leader. The unusually frank, strongly wordedletter reads as follows, quote: “Should yourgovernment persist in flouting international law, Iwill have no choice but to order military action whichwill be both swift and devastating. Of course, whenthe time for military action comes, I may simplypanic, flee to England and smoke dope until the wholething’s over … But, then again, I may NOT!”…

More fallout from the recent conviction of British aupair Louise Woodward on murder charges. This week, herattorney, Barry Scheck, lashed out at the legalsystem, saying, quote, “What kind of sick society dowe live in where an innocent girl is sent to prisonwhile a double murderer like O. J. Simpson goes free?”… Kind of a– …

Meanwhile, O. J. Simpson’s Brentwood estate officiallywent on sale this week with an asking price of threepoint nine million dollars. According to realtors,some of the home’s highlights include a newlyrenovated gourmet kitchen and a luxurious masterbathroom with separate sinks for murderer andmurderee. [crowd gasps, Norm looks around quizzically]… [crowd falls silent, Norm sings softly:]Murderer, murderee …

On Capitol Hill this week, seventeen Republicancongressmen formally asked the House JudiciaryCommittee whether there is sufficient evidence tobegin impeachment proceedings against PresidentClinton. In response, the president said, quote: “Hey!You know who would have the answer to that question?Vince Foster.” … [scattered applause]

With the release of over one hundred hours ofvideotape of President Clinton at campaignfundraisers, the pressure continues to mount onAttorney General Janet Reno to name an independentcounsel to investigate the president. In addition,some senators are said to be furious that, instead ofwatching the videotapes, Reno has been taping overthem with episodes of “Xena: Warrior Princess.” …[some applause]

On Tuesday, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giulianicruised to reelection with fifty-seven per cent of thevote. [some cheers and applause] The mayor credits hisvictory to strict enforcement of “quality of life”ordinances, while loser Ruth Messinger blamed herdefeat on low voter turnout by aggressive panhandlersand squeegee men. … She was expectin’ them to showup strongly. …

This week, the crew of the trouble-plagued Russianspace station Mir took a much-deserved break, usingtheir on-board computer to do some shopping on theInternet. Among the cosmonauts’ purchases this week: aVCR, an exercise bike, and a new space station.… [mild reaction, Norm shrugs]

Norm Macdonald: Well, right now, I’d like tobring out an old friend who we’ve not seen on WeekendUpdate for many years. Please welcome the president ofthe Pathological Liars Association of America –[crowd reacts with delight] — Tommy Flanagan! [Hugecheers and applause for Tommy.]

Tommy Flanagan: Hello. My name is TommyFlana– er, Flanagan, yeah. … Well,people have been wondering what I’ve been doinglately. Well, I’ve been doing a lot. Fact, uh, er,just last night I went to bed– I mean, I went toTibet! Yeah, that’s it, and I – I went there topick up my shirt at the laundry. And I had athousand pieces of paper in my pocket. So I tookone piece of paper out of my– and I said, “Will thisget me my shirt back?” And he said no. And I said,”Well, hey! Will this piece of paper get me my shirtback?” And the man at the laundry said no. And I said,”Well, gee, gee, how about this piece of paper?Will this get me my shirt back?” And he said —“Yeah, that’s the ticket!” … [groans,cheers and applause for Tommy’s trademarkcatch-phrase]

So I, uh, you know, I put my shirt on and I – I wentfor a hike and then – and then I fell down a glacier!Yeah, that’s it. Twenty thousand fee– er, miles!Yeah! … And I was frozen in the ice — to death. And the following Spring, I thawed out. And when Icame to, who do you think was next to me? AmeliaEarhart! Yeah. … Yeah, and I said, “Hey, Amelia,how ya doin’?” And she said, “Mmm, not good.” …’Cause her leg had been broken. But her plane had beenpreserved in the ice. And I said, “Well, if you let mefly your plane out of here, I’ll come back for you.”[confidentially] It was the only time I lied….

But I – I had to get out of there ’cause I was eatin’an apple– I mean, I had an appointm– I had anaudition. Yeah. … For “Boogie Nights” …Yeah, that’s it. Yeah, they, uh, they needed somebodyfor the last scene. … So I pulled my pants down andI said, “Eh, what do you think?” And they said,ehhhhh, “You’re overqualified.” … I said,”Oh, that’s funny — I was in a cold bath allday!” … Yeah, that’s the ticket. Yeah…

Norm Macdonald: Tommy Flanagan, everybody![cheers and applause, Tommy hesitantly shakes handswith Norm and exits]

The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market aPrincess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of themove has made some people very unhappy. Critics chargethat the doll is in poor taste and they’re even moreupset about the Franklin Mint’s other new offering —porcelain land mines. … You can play withthem together, if you want. …

[Photo of drummer Bill Berry whose thick dark eyebrowsappear to be connected] This week, a milestone in rockmusic. R.E.M. drummer Bill Berry has announced that heis quitting the band. Berry, who has been with R.E.M.for seventeen years, says the decision to leave wasentirely mutual, between himself and his gianteyebrow. … [scattered applause] They talked it overand they decided it was best for both of them.

[Photo of chubby talk show host Ricki Lake] A sadstory from the world of entertainment this week. Talkshow host Ricki Lake had to get rid of her dog Dudleyafter the pooch became too aggressive with her sevenmonth old son, Milo. A clearly saddened Lake said, “Itbroke my heart to get rid of that dog. But hewas delicious.” … [groans, scatteredapplause] She ate a whole dog! …

In aviation news, a new study suggests there might bemore survivors of plane crashes if all seats wereequipped with air bags. According to the study, thisis especially true for plane crashes under fifty milesper hour. … The other ones, it doesn’t do much good….

In Waukesha, Wisconsin, five grade school studentshave been charged with holding down a boy and givinghim a wedgie, tearing his underwear in the process…. The students now face three-day suspensions aswell as fines of up to one hundred and forty dollars.Meanwhile, the boy himself faces more wedgies.… [scattered applause]

In New Zealand, a convicted swindler who weighs sixhundred and seventy pounds has been sentenced to housearrest because he is too big for prison. According toprison officials, it took four inmates just to rapehim. … [some disbelief mixed with applause, cheers]Huge man!

And, finally, when Richard Gere made his firstappearance recently on “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” thetwo got along famously. But all that may change whenthe actor hears about this month’s Oprah Winfrey BookClub selection. It’s called “What Really Happened?” byRichard Gere’s gerbil. … [some disbelief mixed withapplause, cheers, boos] That’s crazy.

Okay, folks! That’s the news! Have a good -thing!

[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie. Music,cheers and applause as we dissolve to the WUgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:
November 15th, 1997

Clare Danes

Mariah Carey

None

None

Steve Higgins

Adam McKay

Dennis McNicholas

Paula Pell
A Message From the First-Lady of the United StatesSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) isn’t keen on allowing Hillary (Ana Gasteyer) to address the nation.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al gore, Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Montage

Clare Danes’ MonologueSummary: Audience members express their outrage that actress Clare Danes got into Yale University with such ease.

Bio: Clare Danes (1979-). Actress; starred in the short-lived television drama, “My So-Called Life” (1994-95); film credits include: “William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet” (1996), “The Rainmaker” (1997), and “Shopgirl” (2005).

The Weston CollectionSummary: A male model (Will Ferrell) garners respect when he wears the “I’m #1” hat from the Weston Collection.

Barry Scheck’s ClientsSummary: Defense lawyer Barry Scheck (Norm MacDonald) unexpectedly entertains some of his not-so-innocent clients in his home.

Recurring Characters: Barry Scheck, O.J. Simpson, Ted Kaczyncski.

Transcript

The ViewRecurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Star Jones, Debbie Matenopolous, Cokie Roberts.

Transcript

The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbi Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) provide the entertainment at their embarrassed daughter’s (Clare Danes) College Career Day.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo battle Big Head’s ice monster in a cartoon by Rob Smigel.

Peter PanSummary: A drunken Tinkerbell (Clare Danes) lets it be known that she’s tired of being Peter Pan’s (Chris Kattan) second banana.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldRecurring Characters: Joe Blow.

Transcript

Mariah Carey performs “Butterfly”First Performed: 90d.

Mr. Peepers in the WildSummary: Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) is released into the wild to rejoin his family.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

CEO Dreamboats

Mariah Carey performs “My All”

The Southern Gals in ParisRecurring Characters: Mary Faith, Ginger Lee, Elizabeth.

The Lost Deep Thoughts by Jack HandeySummary: Jack Handey comments on the parties thrown by a mad scientist.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

A Message From the President of the United States

Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Al Gore…..Will Ferrell
Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a special address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Bill Clinton seated at his desk in the Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As of 8:15 p.m. Eastern Time, American planes have begun bombing authorities inside Iraq. We are now at war. [ he smiles and bangs his fists on the table ] I’M JUST KIDDING! HA! Ah, I bet my approval rating just went through the ROOF there for a minute!

[ he bites his lip and turns serious ]

The real reason I’m addressing you tonight has nothing to do with Iraq, the ecomony or independent council investigations. I’m here tonight to tell you about my wife.. uh..

Hillary Clinton: [ sitting down next to Bill ] Hillary.

President Bill Clinton: Sure.. Hillary..

Hillary Clinton: Hello, America.

President Bill Clinton: Now, last year during the election, I asked Hillary, with all the respect and love a husband feels for his wife, to shut her damn mouth. It was part of my re-eelection strategy, and wouldn’t you know – it worked like gangbusters! [ laughs until he sees Hillary’s evil eye and stops ] Then, last month after Hillary turned fifty.. [ he shudders ] ..and the impending conflict in Iraq promised to get my approval rating in the upper 80’s, lower 90’s.. some advisors felt maybe I could take a hit and let Hillary speak.

Hillary Clinton: And I was thankful..

President Bill Clinton: Not yet, woman! [ pause ] I, however, said no. But then Hillary threatened to remember something that she had previously forgotten. So we came to an agreeable compromise. I have agreed to let Hillary address the nation and speak her mind freely for an entire minute. [ places an egg timer on the desk ] Just to cover my bases, though.. yesterday, I sent an aircraft carrier to the Persian Gulf. I hope this will keep my approval rating up, and give me a “Hillary Buffer Zone”. [ sets the timer for “one” minute ] Citizens of America, I give you our First-Lady: Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you. First, I would like to address the issue of Health Care reform. [ buzzer goes off ]

President Bill Clinton: Time’s up! Whoo! I think that went well..

Hillary Clinton: That was not a minute, Bill!

President Bill Clinton: Oh, maybe you cook an egg differently than I do.

Hillary Clinton: You know, it’s funny – I just remembered this incident at the Governor’s Ball in 19..

President Bill Clinton: Okay! [ resets timer ] Ladies and gentlemen, the First-Lady.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Bill. [ starts ] You all know I believe in Health Care. But I also believe in other issues, like rehabilitating criminals rather than putting them to death. Now, I know that sounds liberal, but..

President Bill Clinton: [ fakes a buzzer sound ] Time’s up!

Hillary Clinton: You made that sound with your mouth, Bill!

President Bill Clinton: [ stunned at the accusation ] I most certainly did not! That was one minute.

Hillary Clinton: [ to cameras ] You know, America.. I remember once in 1983, I caught Bill on all fours wearing an E.T. mask..

President Bill Clinton: [ resets timer ] Alright! Start yapping, you she-witch!

Hillary Clinton: Thank you. [ clears throat ] I feel that we have strayed from the progressive and compassionate path as a nation. Big business continues to exploit the individual..

President Bill Clinton: Except for Dow Chemical! [ gives thumbs-up ]

Hillary Clinton: Common sense has been replaced by mob mentality, and bold leadership has been replaced by public opinion polls.

President Bill Clinton: She’s crazy, right? I mean.. unless you agree with her..

Hillary Clinton: Vibrant thinking has been replaced by soulless buerocrats seeking only to rise to power.

Al Gore: [ entering ] Hi. I’m Al Gore. [ exits ]

Hillary Clinton: Meanwhile, our celebrity-obsessed culture is more interested in who is sleeping with who, rather than who is oppressing who.

Barbra Walters: [ entering ] Hello. I’m Barbara Walters. [ exits ]

Hillary Clinton: So, I call for everyone to.. [ buzzer goes off for real ]

President Bill Clinton: Time’s up! [ Hillary gives Bill a dirty look ] Damn, woman! You just tore me a new one.

Hillary Clinton: I appreciate the opportunity. But there is one more thing I’d like to say.

President Bill Clinton: Sorry, we agreed.

Hillary Clinton: No, if I could just..

President Bill Clinton: Oh, I’m sorry..

Hillary Clinton: But..

President Bill Clinton: No!

Hillary Clinton: [ grabs timer and resets it ] Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 4

97d: Chris Farley / The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Matt Foley Motivational Trainer

Matt Foley…..Chris Farley
Evan the Instructor…..Tim Meadows
Cyclist #1…..Molly Shannon
Cyclist #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Cyclist #3…..Jim Breuer
Cyclist #4…..Will Ferrell

[ Set is inside a fitness gym, with people excercising on bikes ]

Evan: You’re at a beautiful countryside! Third position everybody! Come on, your’re approaching a hill, and increase resistance! Come on, push it! Push it people!

Cyclist #1: I can’t do it!

Evan: Okay, forget it! Stop, stop, stop everyone!

[ Everyone stops pedaling ]

Evan: Listen people, you aren’t burning enough calories!

Cyclist #2: We’re doing the best we can.

Evan: Listen, if you people want to lose weight, you’ve gotta push it harder! Look at me, I’m thin, I’m handsome, I could have sex with anyone in this room.

Cyclist #1: [ offended ] Evan.

Evan: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Maybe I did, I don’t know. Regardless, I’m just not getting through to you guys as a teacher. That’s why I hired someone to come in here and motivate you people. He’s been down in the locker room scarfing down chocolate-covered coffee beans for the last six hours, but I think he’s ready. Hey Matt, we’re ready for you!

Matt Foley: Okie dokie!

[ Matt Foley comes up the stairs and enters the room ]

Matt Foley: Hey Evan! Good to see ya! All right, how you guys doing! Okie dokie, my name, for all of you who don’t know me, is Matt Foley! And I AM a motivational speaker! Now, before we get to the spinning class, let me give you a little it of a scenerio of what MY life is all about! First off, I am thirty-five years old! I am THRICE DIVORCED! And I live in a van down by the river!

Cyclist #3: You’re gonna be our fitness instructor?

Matt Foley: Listen Hard Body, I don’t give a RAT’S BEHIND! I’m here to tell you people that as you get out there in the real world, you’re gonna find out that you’re not going to amount to JACK SQUAT!

[ He crosses the room to Cyclist #4 ]

Matt Foley: Now fella? Young man, what do you want to do with your life?

Cyclist #4: What do I want to do?

Matt Foley: Yeah!

Cyclist #4: Well I’m a succesful corporate lawyer, and I just made partner.

Matt Foley: Well, LA-DE-FREAKIN-DA! Whoa!

[ He walks back over to Evan ]

Matt Foley: Hey Evan! We got ourselves a lawyer over there! I can’t see real good, is that Ben Matlock?

Evan: No Matt, he’s a real lawyer.

Matt Foley: Evan? Ya know, I wish you could just shut your big YAPPER! Please!

Evan: Okay!

Matt Foley: [to Cyclist #] Well if you’re as good a lawyer as you are an athlete, you’re gonna be doing a lot of lawyer practicing in a van down by the river!

Cyclist #4: I own a summer home near the river if that helps.

Matt Foley: Shift it into low, Matlock! Now let’s get started!

[ Matt walks to his bike ]

Matt Foley: Okay! First thing that you’re gonna want to do is to get settled into the saddle!

[ He gets onto the bike, but his pants tear as a result ]

Matt Foley: Okay! Now you’ll often find that when mounting on the apparatus you’ll split your shorts. I’ts a common occurance. Stay motivated, do not let it get ya’. Because, as long as you’re wearing an athletic supporter, everything’s gonna be okie-dokie! However, I’ve forgotten MINE is uh-kind of a moot point!

Cyclist #1: Gross!

Cyclist #2: You cannot be serious!

Matt Foley: I just wish you two dolls would bring it DOWN A NOTCH! Now that you’re on the bike, next thing you’re gonna want to do…….is take a little bit of a rest. You know what I mean, just get your breath a little bit, and make sure you still got your bearings. You’ll find that just getting on the bike is gonna make you weak. [ he starts panting in fatigue ] Okay! Let’s start pedaling everybody!

[ He starts pedaling, and the others follow ]

Matt Foley: Now, a nice brisk base to start off with! Okay, not that brisk. [ he slows down ] Okay, a little less brisk! Low on the brisk! Slow it down here. Okay, stop, stop, stop right here!

[ Matt gets off the bike, and walks to his coffee pot ]

Matt Foley: Okay, now it’s time to take a little bit of a drink-skee-poo! Whoo!

[ He attempts to take a drink, but the majority of the coffee spills onto his face and down his shirt ]

Matt Foley: Whoa whoa!

Cyclist #1: Uhh, while you take your “coffee break”, can we continue pedaling because we are all paying for this class?

Matt Foley: [ spitting out coffee, very upset ] SHUT YOUR PIPEHOLE, MISSY!

Evan: [ fighting off Matt who is trying to get back on the bike ] All right, look Matt. Take it easy! Look, this is not gonna work out! I’m gonna have to ask you to get out of here.

Matt Foley: Back off Padre! I’m not going anywhere! That locker room downstairs is the closest thing I’ve had to a home in fifteen years!

Evan: Well I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to ask you to get the hell out!

Matt Foley: [ getting on the bike ] All right, all right, all right, I’ll pedal! Let’s all pedal everybody, make Evan happy! Here we go, pedaling away! All right everybody, you’re on the road! Look over to the right. It’s your first wife, Linda! High tail it out of there because you owe her three years’ child support! Keep pedaling. All right, let’s pull into Seven-Eleven and buy a microwave burrito! Okay, we’re back on the road, there’s your son’s dorm! Let’s sneak in, steal his student loan check, cash it, and head out lookin’ for ASIAN HOOKERS! Cause if there’s one thing Matt likes, it’s HONG-KONG FUEY, ha-ha! Ohhhh yeah!

[ As he says this, the bike malfunctions, breaks apart, and starts rolling down the room through a wall with Matt still aboard ]

Evan: Oh my God!

Matt Foley: All right, I’ve taught you people all I can. I gotta move it into karate class, Evan.

[ He walks through the broken wall into a karate class with two martial arts teachers ]

Matt Foley: All right, boys! First about martial arts is that I’m thrice divorced, and I live in a van down by the river!

Submitted by: Justin Chilinski

SNL Transcripts