Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 22: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 19th, 1996 Bill Pullman New Edition None Adam McKay Dole’s Dream DebateSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) dreams that he’s debating Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman), the ficticious president from “Independence Day.” Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, Bob Dole, Elizabeth Dole.
Montage
Bill Pullman’s MonologueSummary: Having played the President of the United States in “Independence Day”, Bill Pullman is proud to now be considered a sex symbol. Transcript
Home Security DecoysSummary: Bill Tasker (Mark McKinney) touts the menacing dummies that keep real criminals away. Transcript
AT&T OperatorsSummary: Operators Janice (Will Ferrell) and Kelly (Chris Kattan) chat between calls. Transcript
Tic Tac ToeSummary: Crotchety carpenter Jack (Norm MacDonald) has to physically nail the X’s and O’s to the game board, while his son, Jack, Jr. (Mark McKinney), plugs the home version. Note: One of the pieces falls on Norm MacDonald’s head while he pounds another piece into place.
The Rules ShowSummary: Ellen Fein (Ana Gasteyer) and Sherrie Shneider (Molly Shannon) advise want-to-be brides to “get the ring.”
TV FunhouseSummary: During “Fun With Real Audio”, President Clinton and Bob Dole’s weaknesses surface during their latest debate.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) offers his thoughts on the World Series. Recurring Characters: Harry Caray. Transcript
New Edition performs “Hit Me Off”
Hollywood PartySummary: Beatrice (Molly Shannon) and Sebastian (Chris Kattan) dish celebrity gossip.
The Quiet StormSummary: Chris “Champagne” Garnett (Tim Meadows) battles it out with his station manager (Bill Pullman) after he’s fired. Recurring Characters: Chris “Champagne” Garnett. Transcript
New Edition performs “I’m Still In Love With You”
The Heyward FoundationSummary: Desperate to get into heaven, wealthy John W. Heyward (Bill Pullman) fronts a research lab that can put a camel through a needle for him. Transcript
Hidden CameraSummary: The hidden camera pranks are far too obvious for the general public.
Women’s Kick BoxingSummary: Promoter Hal Mendez (Bill Pullman) oversells the promise of women kicking women hard. Transcript
Bill Tasker V/O: You’re alone; and you’re vulnerable.
[ quick pan to Bill Tasker standing in front of house ]
Bill Tasker: Hi. I’m Bill Tasker of National Home Security, Inc. The only thing that will stop a dangerous intruder from terrorizing you – is if another criminal is already doing the job. That’s why we developed Home Security Decoys.
[ show Home Security Decoy of a man peering into the house ]
These life-sized and weather-resistant dummies tell criminals, “Hey! This house is taken!”
Now you can feel the comfort and safety of having a Home Securty Decoy nearby.
Statistics prove criminals like to strike while you sleep.[ show Elderly Woman jump up in bed; she gasps, thinking someone is in the room with her, but it’s just her knife-weilding Home Security Decoy ]
That’s why we developed the Home Bedroom Decoy.
[ Edlerly Woman relaxes, casually falls back asleep ]
[ show Home Security Decoys peeking out from under childrens’s bed ]
Finally, you can sleep in peace, while these versatile decoys watch over your loved ones and scare off intruders.
[ show Woman inside shower ]
You made it through the night – and that’s important; but now you find yourself in the most vulnerable place of all – the shower. With a Home Decoy, you can rest assured that shadowy figure behind the curtain is your friend!
[ suddenly worried, Woman peeks out of shower to investigate funny sound, revealing a bloody cown Home Security Decoy; she smiles, and returns to her shower ]
So make the secure choice, and turn your fears into friends. With Home Security Decoys.
Announcer: Also available: new talking Home Decoy.
Talking Home Decoy: I’m gonna put my evil inside you!
Announcer: Available at Rickel, K-Mart, and other fine stores.
Norm MacDonald: Hi! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.
Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected.
Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republiccan lawmakers said, “Shhhh!”
Arriving back in the U.S., after his week in London, O.J. Simpson was asked by a reporter why he hadn’t spent Mother’s Day with his children. A visibly annoyed Simpson replied, “Idiot! I didn’t spend Mother’s Day with my kids because I killed their mother!”
While in England, where he spoke at Oxford University, Simpson had defended actor Marlon Brando’s criticism of Hollywood Jews. Later, from his island hideaway, Brando sent O.J. a telegram, which read, “You’re not helping!”
According to this week’s Star Magazine, Unabomber suspect, Ted Kaczynski, is still a virgin at the age of 53. This isn’t too surpising, when you consider that Kaczynski’s best pick-up line was “My dirty woodshack or yours?”
At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out agaisnt same-sex marriages. What’s more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.
According to published reports, M-TV News anchor Tabitha Soren has been romantically linked to journalist Michael Lewis. Soren denies the reports, claiming she doesn’t have time for a boyfriend because she’s too busy pretending not to be stupid.
It was revealed this week that mass murderer Richard Speck, while serving a lifetime sentence in prison, was videotaped with hormone-induced breasts, snorting cocaine, and having sex with a man. The film was apparently made with prison video equipment, and a $300,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.
Tomorrow night on “60 Minutes”, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don’t do it, Andy, it’s a trap! It’s a trap!
[ show cover of Vanity Fair, with t-shirt-clad Tom Cruise stretching his arms in front of a huge, flaming fire, with the headline “Cruise on Fire” ]
In an interview in this month’s Vanity Fair, actor Tom Cruise attempts to end, once and for all, rumors that he is gay.
While performing in New York this week, to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a bible. Most shocking of all: Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.
This week, the FDA gave final approval to a device that prevents heart attacks by blasting the heart with a powerful jolt of electricity. If the device works properly, you will not have a heart attack. If it doesn’t work properly, you will have a giant heart attack.
Well, more O.J. Simpson news. On Friday, the Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for President, adding, “I’d like to help him any way I can.” To which the President replied, “Well, there is one thing.” [ cut to photo of Hillary Clinton ]
And, finally tonight, we at Weekend Update salute a fellow journalist on his retirement. John Tesh is leaving his job at “Entertainment Tonight”, in order to concentrate on making horrible, horrible music.
Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is! See you next year, folks, have a good summer!
[ open on Man and his Date sitting on the couch in front of a bay window, sipping wine; generic music plays on the sound system ]
Date: I love this wine.
Man: Isn’t it great?
Date: Yeahhh.
Man: It’s from.. So-no-ma!
Date: Well, I really like it!
Man: [ seductively ] How about.. a little nighttime music?
Date: Why don’t you put on something.. romantic..
[ their lips move incredibly close together ]
Man: I know just the song. [ struts over to his sound system along the opposite wall, taking a seductive look back at his date ] You’re gonna love this.
[ Man puts on a Latin rhythm, as he motions back to his date. He sort of tiptoes toward the coach, gyrating his body against the couch as he leans in close for a kiss.. then suddenly jerks upward ]
Man: Wait..! [ runs back to the sound system, turns the music off ]
Date: [ really into the music and seduction ] Wha-what is it?
Man: Nothing. I’ve just got something much better!
Date: Well, I-I kinda liked that..
Man: You liked that, you’re gonna love this – it’s per-FECT! [ looks at his date with a sexual longing ]
[ Man puts on a new song, with an electronic drumbeat and records scratching. He moves closer to his date, reaching out and peeking from behind the arm of the couch like a cat, pawing at her playfully ]
Man: Wait..! [ runs back to the sound system and turns the music off again ]
Man: [ overexcited ] I can’t, either! I can’t WAIT!! [ looks back at her again with that sexual longing ]
[ Man turns on a soothing female vocal performance, then makes his way toward the couch twisting one leg around the other, then breaks into a series of pre-Mango dance moves. His Date seems slightly interested, until he begins to push the couch to the side with his thrusting pelvis; now she’s perturbed, and he senses it and runs to turn off the sound system again. ]
Man: [ upset ] Well, you obviously didn’t like that song!
Date: Well, i-it wasn’t the song.. Why don’t we just try it without the music? You know.. come on over here! Come on! [ he’s relunctant to come back ] Come on!
Man: [ shaking his head ] I-i can’t! I look like an idiot! [ motions the vast emptiness of the room, especially now that he’s pushed the couch practically out of frame ] Look all the space here! I need something to carry me over! You know, some kind of a.. rhythm.. you know? Some kind of, uh.. [ snaps his fingers ] I know just the song! [ looks at her with that sexual longing ]
[ Man puts on an African beat, moving towards the couch with a dance than looks more fruity than sensual ]
Date: [ sighs ] Sit down!
Man: But I was just-
Date: [ pushes him onto the couch ] Just sit down.. Shaka Zulu! Let me show you how it’s done.
[ his Date puts on a lite jazz tune, moving toward the couch with a slow, sexy rhythm, stretching her body out and rubbing up and down her legs. She reaches the couch, rubs her hands on Man’s legs, then falls backward over the arm to kiss the Man in an upward position. ]
Man: [ suddenly busts out laughing ]
Date: [ upset ] What are you laughing at?!
Man: What.. nothing.. What are you doing with your body there! Hey, come on! It’s kind of cra-zy! What’s this? [ mimics her dance moves ]
Date: That’s it! I’m going home!
Man: Oh, no, no! I-I-I’m sorry! Wa-wait a second.. I’m sorry, okay? [ a beat ] You sure you don’t want to dance home!
Date: Oh!
Man: Come on! Let’s do that again, whatever that was! What was that?!
David Spade…..Teri Hatcher Teri Hatcher…..David Spade
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Spade In America” with David Spade.
David Spade: Good evening! I’m David Spade – or, at least, I eill be for the next five minutes. Just go with me, here on this premise, we’re trying to keep this segment alive. sorry my piece was so late in the show, but, of course, “Update” ran long. Okay, Norm, Marion Barry smokes crack – we get it! This week, I thought I’d interview the lovely and talented, Miss Teri Snatcher. I mean, Hatcher Whoo-oops.. typo! You do know Teri Hatcher, don’t you? [ raised finger ] She’s #1. Teri? Get out here!
Teri Hatcher: [ pulls up a chair ] Oh, hi! David, it’s so nice to see you here! It’s gonna be really fun. you look great! Is this jacket cotton? [ tries to feel David up ]
David Spade: [ pulls him off ] Easy, Teri!
Teri Hatcher: What?! I’m into fabrics! I’m a girl, what’s the problem? And, this must be “felt”.. [ reaches for David’s crotch ]
David Spade: Teri! Please!
Teri Hatcher: What?! It’s the fabric! i’m intrigued by fashion! I took a class in college.
David Spade: Anyhoo.. Now, Teri, you’re on that hip show, “Lois & Clark”. How’d you wind up with that part?
Teri Hatcher: Is it really a hit show? Uh.. David, I’m glad you asked that. My agent told me that there was a great part for a semi-goodlooking girl who can yell “Help!” a different way each week.
David Spade: Well.. I’ve seen the show, and it’s obviously a high-quality show done by skilled professionals, so I’m sure that it requires a lot more talent than that.
Teri Hatcher: [ shakes head ] Not really.. no.. But the show’s starting to bore me – you know, because I’m really good – and, so, I want to do movies now.
David Spade: Oh, yeah? Well, you know, I did a movie called “Black Sheep.” Maybe you saw it the first time, when it was called “Tommy Boy”!
Teri Hatcher: Uh.. yes. I did see that. You were great, David. I mean, you are very sexy on the screen. Sometimes, I rent it late at night, and then I think naughty thoughts about it!
David Spade: There is no way that you, Teri Hatcher, would find me, David Spade, remotely attractive. Remotely. Plus, I’m into guys.
Teri Hatcher: He-ey-ey! Hey! No, everybody knows that’s not true! No, no, Spade, you’re a total catch. A lot of my hot chick friends think so, too! You’re a babe.
David Spade: Well, thanks. You know, because it does take me a lot of effort to look good. I come in here two hours before each show, so the hair people can make me look like Lisa Kudrow!
Teri Hatcher: Lisa Kudrow? [ stunned ] I didn’t know people thought.. your hair looked like Lisa Kudrow..
David Spade: They do!
Teri Hatcher: Well.. you know, Tom Arnold was right. Maybe talking isn’t my best thing. [ laughs ] Which is really bad, you know, because he’s a talented guy. He’s got some good theories..
David Spade: You know, Teri, this piece isn’t really going the way I expected it to. But.. nothing I’ve done this year has been funny!
Teri Hatcher: [ removes wig ] Okay, that one’s not fair.
David Spade: Oh? Oh, really? And that remark about Tom Arnold is? [ points to fake cleavage ] And, what are those? Are those boobs? You look like a cartoon!
Teri Hatcher: Yeah, well, this is a compliment! This is how I picture you in my mind when I think about you.
David Spade: Well, that’s really interesting, because I put about a half-a-pack of Certs in my front pocket, because that’s how I think of you! Anyhow.. Teri.. we’d better wrap this up, because I’ve got to go sell out and do some more phone commercials.
Teri Hatcher: Oh, is that right? [ puts wig back on ] Well, David.. um.. I have to go do a photo shoot with my sharpei for InStyle Magazine, and then I have to go put another nude photo of myself on the Internet. So, I’d better run!
(shows the school with a sign saying: East Lake Math Club Regional Competition, and then kids taking tests and then to the Spartans)
Both: V for Victory! I said V Â for Victory!
Craig: Spread that V!
Arianna: Dot that I !
Both: Rock that C-T-O-R-Y! Whoo Spartan Spirit!!
(erasers are thrown at them from off camera and they both stop cheering to pick them up, then sit back down)
Craig: Ok we’ll take a break
Arianna: its an accident. That’s all right! Oh My God Craig! I cant believe it! Our Differential Calculus squad is really kicking some tail!
Craig: I know! I’ll say! And wait till they get a load of our herkie jump!
Arianna: bad news flash Craig, I cant do the herkie jump today, I’ve got my friend.
Craig: What??
Arianna: um, I can’t go swimming!
Craig: ohh. Hey that’s not the only friend you got, and this one wont give you cramps!
(they both hug)
Arianna: Oh My God Ronald’s approaching the chalkboard!
Both: Focus Ronald! Focus Ronald!
Arianna: OH MY GOD HE DROPPED THE CHALK!
Craig: pick it up! Pick it up! Ok he’s got it! He’s got it!
Arianna: Chalk can be slippery!
Craig: I know I know! He’s got it. He wrote .35
Both: Is it right?
Arianna: no ones saying anythingâ¦. No.
(they pause and look confused for a couple of seconds before they realize its right)
Both: Oh my God! Its right! .35! whoo! Whoo!
(they jump up to cheer)
Both: arf arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!
Arianna: I’m Arianna! The boys are urging but I am proud to stay a virgin!
Both: Arf Arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!
Craig: My name is Craig! I give good hugs! Your not my friend if you do drugs!
Both: arf! Small dog! Whoo! Whoo! Spartan spirit!
(Gabrielle walks in wearing the real Spartan Cheerleader uniform)
Gabrielle: Hi craig. Hi arianna.
Arianna: Oh my God! Gabrielle!
Craig: Gabrielle! Arent you missing the game?
Arianna: I didn’t no you liked math!
Gabrielle: Oh I Don’t. I’m here on behalf of the REAL Spartan cheerleaders. Tommy Peters has mono and we need your help,
Both: Oh My god! This is it! Now’s our chance! Oh my God!
Arianna: Gabrielle, we would be proud to join the real Spartan Squad!
Gabrielle: Not you Arianna, Just Craig.
(Arianna’s looks like she is about to cry and she keeps repeating âOh my godâ softly for the next couple lines between Gabrielle and Craig)
Craig: Gabrielle I don’t know if I’d feel right —
Gabrielle: Oh well I think you would feel just fine! And besides Arianna doesn’t like you like that
Craig: Arianna!
Arianna: The real Spartans need you Craig. Your dream is calling! Pick up the phone.
Craig: Thank you! (and he runs off camera)
Gabrielle: That was for telling everyone about my WonderBra
Arianna: Whatever!
Gabrielle: Whatever! Whatever!
Arianna: WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER!
(Gabrielle runs off camera too, leaving Arianna standing by herself)
Arianna: Oh my God! Ok right! Spirit Spirit! Come on Nathan! Your best utensil is a number 2 pencil! Come on Nathan! Come on Nathan!
(she starts to cry and sits back down. The screen changes to Gabrielle and Craig cheering at the basketball game, They are both cheering but only Gabrielle is moving around until Craig starts to, halfway through the cheer)
Gabrielle and Craig: Steady eddie eddie eddie ROCK! Who rocks the house? The Spartans rock the house! And when the Spartans rock the house, they rock it all the way down!
(Craig starts to repeat the cheer but Gabrielle stops him when she realizing he is doing the cheer moves too.)
Gabrielle: CRAIG! What are you doing? Your supposed to be standing still!
Craig: I just thought I’d throw in a trekking move! You know spice it up! You know when Arianna and I work on routines—
Gabrielle: wait a minute Craig! I make the decisions on this squad! If you don’t like it, you can go back to your buddy from planet Freak, Arianna!
(Gabrielle’s voice saying “Arianna” is echoed as the camera zooms in on Craig and a 25 second clip of a bunch of previous Spartan skits are shown, after the clips Craig runs off stage and Gabrielle comes running in on the other side and falls down)
Gabrielle: ouch! CRAIG BUCHANAN! YOU ARE DEAD MEAT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SPOT ME! AHH I CHIPPED A TOOTH! Whatever whatever —
( the screen goes back to Arianna alone cheering)
Arianna: Lucy, Charlie Brown, piano playing Schroeder! Your teams like Pigpen cause you got an odor! OPEN A WINDOW! Whoo whoo!
(she starts to cry and sits down again, and Craig runs in from the other side)
Craig: Hey! Who’s that Spartan looking so lonely?
Arianna: it’s me, It’s me. I said whose that Spartan gonna sing with me?
Craig: It’s me! Its me!
Both: Let’s turn this mother out!
(they turn on Bust a move and exit with the Perfect Cheer)
Guard…..Jim Breuer David Kaczynski…..David Koechner Ted Kaczynski…..Will Ferrell Johnny Cochran…..Tim Meadows Leslie Abramson…..Cheri Oteri Bald Guy From “Murder One”…..Darrell Hammond F. Lee Bailey…..Steve Higgins
[ open on interior, jailhouse, Guard standing next to David Kaczynski ]
Guard: Okay, you’ve got 15 minutes, Mr. Kacyznski. Wait right here, and I’ll being in your brother.
David Kaczynski: Thanks a lot!
[ Guard exits hallway to retrieve Ted Kaczynski, then brings the wild man out of his jail cell ]
Ted Kaczynski: We-e-e-ell! If it isn’t my brother David! Good to see ya! Wish I could bring you up to my log cabin, but there’s about 150 FBI agents using it this weekend!
David Kaczynski: [ uneasy ] Yeah..
Ted Kaczynski: Go figure! [ laughs maniacally ]
David Kaczynski: I know.. I’m sorry about that, okay.. [ ] He-e-eyy!! I thought you got a haircut?
Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. I just use a little mousse with the judge, you know? [ laughs maniacally ]
David Kaczynski: Yeah, I gotcha.. hey, listen – Ted. I don’t have much time.. I feel just, just awful! Okay, you got that now? So, to make it up to you, I’ve gotten the best.. legal defense team money can buy. Now, you just wait right here, I’m gonna go get ’em, alright?
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, you know what? Don’t worry.. ’cause I’m not goin’ anywhere! Okay! [ laughs ]
David Kaczynski: Alright. Well, first off, I’ve got.. Johnny Cochran!
[ Johnny Cochran enters the room ]
Ted Kaczynski: Fantastic!
Johnny Cochran: I am outraged! It’s nice to meet you. [ sits at the table ]
David Kaczynski: Now.. F. Lee Bailey!
[ F. Lee Bailey enters the room, drinking from a martini glass ]
Ted Kaczynski: Fantastic! Fantastic!
David Kaczynski: I’ve also got the lawyer for the Menendez Brothers – Leslie Abramson!
[ Leslie Abramson enters the room, frizzy hair and all ]
Leslie Abramson: Boys!
Ted Kaczynski: Alright!
David Kaczynski: And, of course, the bald guy from “Murder One”!
[ the bald guy from “Murder One” enters the room ]
Ted Kaczynski: You know what? I’m sorry I don’t have a television.. I-I’ve never seen your show..
Bald Guy From “Murder One”: Well, Mr. Kaczynski, neither has anybody else.
[ Ted laughs heartily at the joke ]
David Kaczynski: Okay, Mr. Cochran.. you begin!
Johnny Cochran: [ stands ] Alright, Mr. Kaczynski, I am outraged! To think that the FBI has the nerve.. the audacity.. the unmitigated GALL to accuse a respected mathematician hermit like yourself! To such a heinous crime! I will demonstrate to the jury that if the hood and the sunglasses don’t fit.. then you must aquit! [ sits ]
Leslie Abramson: [ stands ] Don’t you worry, Mr. Kaczynski. With the defense I have planned, there is no way they can convict you! At least, not at the first trial. Okay. Now, tell me, exactly how long were you and your brother sexually abused by your parents?
Ted Kaczynski: [ confused ] Uh.. we weren’t..
Leslie Abramson: Then I’ve got nothing. Talk to the bald guy! [ sits ]
David Kaczynski: Okay! “Murder One” guy, go ahead!
Bald Guy From “Murder One”: Mr. Kaczynski, I don’t think any of us here can emphasize enough: that I’m the bald guy from “Murder One”. Thank you. [ sits ]
David Kaczynski: That’s a good point! Mr. Bailey?
F. Lee Bailey: [ looks up ] Scotch and soda, please!
David Kaczynski: Uh.. I’m sorry?
F. Lee Bailey: Isn’t this T.J. McDougal’s?
David Kaczynski: No. It’s not.
F. Lee Bailey: Well, I’ll tell ya, Marine to Marine: I’m stinkin’ drunk! [ burps ] I just pulled 15 million stock options to get out of the pokie.. I’m gonna go find me a Happy Hour! [ exits the room ]
Ted Kaczynski: Listen, David.. I appreciate all this, but.. I’ll tell you what, I’ve run up a pretty tight legal defense of my own.. and if you folks have a minute, I’d love to share it with ya!
David Kaczynski: Sure.. yeah.. go ahead, Ted.. yeah.
Ted Kaczynski: [ drops stack of papers onto the table ] There’s Part One.. the Opening Statement right here.. and, uh.. let’s see it.. [ unfolds the paper ] Well, it begins kind of like this.. uh.. [ reads ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.
Our top story tonight: a shocking new development in the O.J. Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high-ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene, and found that O.J. really did do it.
On Thursday, Congress gave final approval to a sweeping new anti-terrorism bill. The new law permits foreign terrorists to be deported, limits federal appeals to death sentences, and allows for the immediate arrest of any Harvard graduate who lives in a dirty, wooden shack.
Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on “Larry King Live”. Among them, that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.
In other showbiz news, it is reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although, personally, I dind this a bit hard to believe.. I mean, uh.. Madonna isn’t even married! It’s like.. cra-zy!
This week, a New Jersey woman – Rita Gluzman – was charged with hacking her husband to death with an axe, gutting the body into pieces, and having a cousin dump them in a river. According to police, Gluzman learned how to do this by watching the program “Martha Stewart Living”.
In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is “One ugly bastard.”
In sports, distance runner Uta Pippig set a record by winning her third consecutive Boston Marathon, despite suffering from both her period and diarrhea throughout the 26-mile run. In addition, Pippig also set a record for causing the most spectators to make this face.. [ Norm grimaces ] ..at a Boston Marathon.
And, in basketball news, Magic Johnson was suspended for three games and fined $10,000 for bumping official Scott Foster. Said a distraught Johnson after the game, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me..”
Norm MacDonald: Last Sunday saw the conclusion of the most celebrated tournament in the world of golf. I’m referring, of course, to The Masters. Here to share with us his impressions, is the Great White Shark himself, Greg Norman. Greg!
Greg Norman: Hi! Hi there, Norm! Good evening, folks! Now.. as many of you might remember, last weekend I took a seemingly insurmountable 6-shot lead into the last day of play at the Masters. But.. on Sunday, I squandered that huge lead and lost the ‘tourney, along with hundreds of thousands of dollars in prize money to Nick Falder. Cheers! Folks, this isn’t the first time Greg “The Shark” Norman has squanderd a huge lead! In fact, I do it fairly regularly! and, consequently, it’s been pointed out to me that perhaps “The Shark” is not really an appropriate nickname. [ holds up a picture of a shark ] You see.. the shark is not only a merciless killer, it’s an eating machine whose swallowing reflexes tops in the animal kingdom. Whereas I, unlike the shark, am actually quite merciful to my opponents. And when I try to swallow, I bloody choke! [ laughs ]
So I’ve decided to create a new, more descriptive nickname for myself. At first, I thought I’d stick with the fish theme, and call myself.. “The Trout”. [ holds up a picture of a trout ] But.. I don’t think that adequately describes the depth of my impotence. Then.. I thought I might call myself.. “The Submissive Trout”. [ holds up another photo of a trout, this one with a cartoon balloon reading “Please don’t hurt me!” ] It’s pretty similar to the regular trout, but this little bugger is sayin’, “Please don’t hurt me!” [ laughs ] Ah, but you know, that didn’t seem catchy. Then I thought, maybe my nickname could be.. Greg “The Little Girl” Norman. [ holds up a picture of a little girl ] But women’s groups complained, and rightly so. So, I considered then.. “Pippi Longstockings”.. [ holds up a photo of Pippi Longstockings ] ..and “Mrs. Butterworth”. [ holds up a photo of Mrs. Butterworth ] But, to my surprise, they were taken. So then I thought, hey! Why not “The Crab”? [ holds up a photo of a crab ] You see? ‘Cause the crab is a little fearsome – like I am during the first part of the tournament. And if you’re in the ocean, and you see that you are about to step on a crab.. well, you’d think twice about it, if you didn’t want to get your toes pinched. Of course, ultimately, a crab doesn’t scare anyone! Just like me! [ laughs ]
So.. this is Greg “The Crab” Norman, saying “Watch your toes!” Back to you, Norm! [ bounces golf ball on the desk, but faces difficulty trying to snatch it back up ]
Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere’s new film “Primal Fear” was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, “Hey, uh.. do you think that gerbil story is true?”
Magician David Copperfield has announced plans to open his own theme restaurant. The theme: I Don’t Deserve My Girlfriend.
In California, the State Justice Department has endorsed a plan to update the term for a prostitute’s customer, from the traditional “John”, to the new, more current-sounding term “Charlie Sheen”.
And, finally, this Thursday businesses around the country will be celebrating the Fourth Annual “Take Our Daughters To Work Day”. Or, as producer Aaron Spelling calls it: “Thursday”.
Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is, folks! Good night, see you later!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 19 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 11th, 1996 Christine Baranski The Cure None Dennis Rodman Ryn Shiraki Wally Feresten Hugh Fink Steve Higgins Paula Pell Joe Dicso Andy Murphy Adam McKay Dole/Rodman ’96Summary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) announces his selection of Dennis Rodman for his running mate. Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Bob Dole, Christiane Amanpour, Bobbi Batista.
Montage
Christine Baranski’s MonologueSummary: During an audience Q&A session, Christine Baranski is made the victim of numerous Polish jokes.
A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right. Note: Repeat from 09/30/95.
The Courtney Love ShowSummary: Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) interviews Marge Schott (Darrell Hammond) and Julie Andrews (Christine Baranski). Recurring Characters: Courtney Love. Transcript
Get Off The Shed IISummary: Frank Henderson (Will Ferrell) yells at kids again. Recurring Characters: Frank Henderson. Transcript
20 Years and One WeekSummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) reviews decades worth of celebrity interview clips. Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Loni Anderson, Sean Penn, Tony Orlando, Richard Dreyfuss, Menachim Begin, Anwar Sadat, Burt Reynolds.
The Cure performs “Mint Car”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Gary MacDonald (David Koechner) tries to do “Weekend Update” as a gift for his and Norm’s mom. Dennis Rodman flamboyantly reviews his new book. Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.
Nightclub SingerSummary: An off-key nightclub singer Sally Kings (Christine Baranski) receives audience sympathy because she’s terminally ill.
Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade’s biggest fans, Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney), spend the day with him. Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.
Rolf on Death RowSummary: Rolf (Colin Quinn) gossips with his fellow death row inmates. Recurring Characters: Rolf.
Goat Boy Sings Popular Songs of the 80’sSummary: Lab experiment Goat Boy (Jim Breuer)sings popular 80’s hits. Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.
New Personality TraitsSummary: Employee Brian Hughes (Jim Breuer) drastically changes his personality in order to win approval from his employers (Christine Baranski, Will Ferrell).
The Cure performs “Inbetween Days”
1-600-LANSINGSummary: Phone sex catered especially for residents of Lansing.
Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a haunted house.
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Air Date:
Dole’s Dream DebateSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) dreams that he’s debating Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman), the ficticious president from “Independence Day.”
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