Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Riker’s Island

Warden…..Gabriel Byrne
Officer Mohr…..Tim Meadows

[ open on exterior, Riker’s Island Prison ]

[ fade to interior, Warden’s Office ]

Warden: [ into his intercom ] Send in Officer Mohr! [ Officer Mohr enters ] Have a seat, we need to talk.

Officer Mohr: Yes, Sir. [ sits ]

Warden: As you know, after three months we assess your performance as a guard here at Riker’s Island.

Officer Mohr: Yes. I know.

Warden: I’ve decided to.. well, Son, this is never easy.. but you’re fired.

Officer Mohr: Why?

Warden: You’re, what.. 5’8″, 140 pounds? Do you realize that the average inmate here is 6″4″, 240 pounds?

Officer Mohr: Uh, yes, Sir. So?

Warden: Now, aside from the basic training you received at theCorrections Facility, what other combat or self-defense training have you had?

Officer Mohr: Uh.. my sister taught me how to fight.

Warden: That’s all? Nothing beside your sister? No karate, martial arts, boxing?

Officer Mohr: No. No.

Warden: Now, in the 90 days you’ve worked here, how many fights you been involved in?

Officer Mohr: 360, Sir.

Warden: And how many of those were with prisoners?

Officer Mohr: 270, Sir.

Warden: How many of those fights did you win or control?

Officer Mohr: None.

Warden: And in 90 or so other fights, those were with..

Officer Mohr: Other guards, visitors, and you.

Warden: So, I hope you understand why we have to let you go.

Officer Mohr: Well, I’ll work harder, Sir!

Warden: Look, Officer Mohr, let me make this clear, okay? Of the 270 fights with prisoners, you were raped how many times?

Officer Mohr: 274 times.

Warden: Right! That’s why I think it’s better if you find other work. It’s for your own safety, and you have no future in the Department of Corrections.

Officer Mohr: Well, may I say something in my defense, Sir?

Warden: Sure.

Officer Mohr: Well, I know it’s not the most glamourous career in the world.. but I love my job!

Warden: Uh-huh.. Of the 90 fights with people other than prisoners, how many of them ended in you being beaten and raped?

Officer Mohr: 89.

Warden: 89.

Officer Mohr: Well.. thanks to you.

Warden: That’s okay. [ pause ] Now, at the prison talent show, how many ended with you being beaten and raped.

Officer Mohr: Uh.. the vast majority, Sir.

Warden: The vast majority?!

Officer Mohr: All of them.

Warden: And how many chapel services ended with you being beatenand raped?

Officer Mohr: All of them.

Warden: Right! You see, we just can’t have you here, Son.. it’sdisruptive. We want our guards to put the Fear of God into these prisoners, not the Joy of Sex!

Officer Mohr: Right. I understand.

Warden: Also, I want you to understand that this is nothing personal between you and me, because, hell, I admire your courage and dedication and your ability to heal.

Officer Mohr: Thank you, Warden. May I also point out that there was not one escape during my appointment here?

Warden: Because nobody wanted to escape! Now, this isn’teasy for me, Son.. but turn in your nightstick and your identification!

Officer Mohr: [ stands up ] Well, Warden, if that’s the way you want it. But I’m telling you, I’ll be a prison guard somewhere! If not here, then at a smaller, more violent, minimum security prison – I promise! You’re not stopping me, you’re only inspiring me!

Warden: Just get out of here, you idiot! [ sees Officer Mohr removing his uniform ] What are you doing?

Officer Mohr: Well, I came into the prison naked, Sir, and by god, I’ll leave naked!

Warden: [ into his intercom ] Will you send in a couple of guards to escort this idiot from the grounds?

Officer Mohr: I won’t need you! I’ll show you howtough I am! [ exits office ]

Warden: [ looks out into the hall ] Would somebody get that idiot before he.. [ the sounds of the guard being beaten and raped by the other inmates in the hall can be heard ] Oh, boy.. [ sits down at his desk as the scene zooms out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Alanis Morissette performs “All I Really Want”

…..Gabriel Byrne
…..Alanis Morissette

Gabriel Byrne: Once again – Alanis Morissette.

Alanis Morissette: [ singing ]
“Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don’t want to dissect everything today
I don’t mean to pick you apart you see
But I can’t help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn’t there already
If only I could hunt the hunter.

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I’m so relentless and all strung out
I’m consumed by the chill of solitary
I’m like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I’m frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker.

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn’t give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn’t give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let’s talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around…all around
Why are you so petrified of silence
Here, can you handle this?

[ waves her arm at the band; they stop their instruments for a single second ]

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you’re gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer.

All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice.”

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 21: Episode 4


95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Patrick Connoly…..Will Ferrell
Father…..Gabriel Byrne
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon

[ open on exterior, St. Monica’s High School. Fade to the interior, St.Monica’s auditorium, where students are auditioning for the school talent show. ]

Patrick Connolly: [ singing ]

“Sending out an S.O.S.!

Sending out an S.O.S.!”

Father: Thank you for auditioning, Patrick.. thank you.

Patrick Connolly: Just one second.. [ singing ] “Sending outan S.O.S.!”

Father: That is very good, Patrick, really..

Patrick Connolly: The Police rule!

Father: Yes, I’m sure they do. [ nudges Patrick off the stage ]Okay, that was Patrick Connolly there.. with “Sending Out An S.O.S..”

Patrick Connolly: [ jumps back on stage ] “Message in aBottle!” [ jumps off again ]

Father: ..”Sending Out a.. Message in a Bottle”.. by the Policemen.. Okay, students, and members of the faculty.. our next auditoneer for St. Monica’s talent show is.. [ reading from clipboard ] ..Ma-ry Ka-therine..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ dashing in excitedly, and crashing over some folding chairs ] Mary Katherine Gallagher!! I slipped! Mary Katherine Gallagher!

Father: Mary Katherine Gallagher.. I think I have it now..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher – that’s me!

Father: Right. Uh.. everyone, can we have some attention, please, for Mary Katherine..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Gallagher.

Father: Come over here. What’s the matter with you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m shy. [ folds her arms and sticks her fingers behind her shirt sleeves ]

Father: Do you want to audition?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yes, I do.. Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my arms, and then I smell my fingers – like that. [ sniffs her smelly fingers ] That’s gross! That’s gross!

Father: Well, that’s very interesting, Mary Katherine, yes.. Yes. Very interesting.. [ Mary clowns around ] Now.. your grandmother..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: My grandmother.. um.. I’m gonna tell you about her. She’s my.. um.. legal guardian.. and she lives in a motorized wheelchair.. and she says a bear a very striking resemblence to a very young Elizabeth Taylor.

Father: That’s true, you do. A very striking resemblence. [ looks at his clipboard ] Now.. it says right that you have a mono..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Monologue.

Father: A monologue, yes.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m going to be doing a monologue today from my favorite made-for-TV movie, “The Betty Broderick Story”, starring Meredith Baxter-Birney.

Father: That’s very good, then, Mary Katherine. So, whenver you’re ready.. [ steps aside ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. Okay.. I’m sorry, I’m nervous..[ poises herself ] “I remember it was dawn, and the sun was just.. the sun was just barely rising. And I.. I took the gun out of a little wooden box in my room.. and I got outside, and I got into my car.. then I drove.. and I drove.. and I drove over to Dan Broderick and Linda’s house. And then I.. and then I.. broke into their front door and I.. slowly climbed up the stairs.. and to their bedroom, and I saw them sleeping there, and I just shot them both! I hate you, Dan! I hate you! I hate you!

Father: [ grabs Mary Katherine’s arm ] Very good, Mary Katherine.. Very good..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ breaks free and does her victorysplit ] Monologue!

Father: Good, good, girl. That was terrific. Now, you’re not still nervous, are you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: No.

Father: That was very good, very good. Now, it says here that you’re going to do a song..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I’m going to do a song. I’m going to be doing one of my favorite songs..

Father: Well, why don’t you go ahead and do that song.. [ stepsaside ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ stands beside the piano ] Do you know “You Ask Me If I Love You”? [ the nun behind the piano nods ] Okay! Okay..

[ singing ]
“You ask me..
You ask me if I love you..
and I choke on my reply.
I’d rather tell you honestly..
Than mislead you with a lie.

[ props her leg atop the piano, flashing her.. Father.. covers themwith his clipboard ]

“And sometimes when we touch..
the honesty’s too much.
I’ll have to close my eyes and hide..”

Father: Very good, Mary Katherine Gallagher. That was great. [ tries to move on ] Now, next..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I still have a few bars of that song, if you’d let me finish..?

Father: Sorry, you were just getting a bit carried away there.. Now, our next.. our next auditioneer..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Actually, Father, I also do gymnastics! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ jumps in the air ] Back flip! [ crashes into a stack of folding chairs and collapses to the ground ]

Father: [ angry ] Stop it! Stop it! Control yourself, for God’s sake, woman! Control yourself!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ standing up ] I’m under control..

Father: I’m writing your name down here, look.. [ takes out hisclipboard ] Mary Katherine..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Gallagher.

Gallagher. Right. You just got a little carried away there, didn’t you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.

Father: Okay.. good girl. You can go back to your class now, okay?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.. thanks, Father. [ steps away, then jumps back in for one last split ] Superstar! [ runs off, stumbling over the folding chairs once more ]

Father: Okay, everyone.. before we see Sean O’Reilly and his..[ checks clipboard ] ..step-dancing monkey.. I think we had better have a bit of a break. Don’t you, Sister? Yes.. dear God.. [ sits down on stool and covers his face with his hands ]

[ fade to black ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Cooking With Keith

Keith Richards…..Gabriel Byrne

[ MUSIC OVER: “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”, Rolling Stones ]

[ Keith Richards stumbles into the kitchen, where two busty wait to assist him ]

Keith Richards: Hello. Hello, everybody. It’s about 4am, and I’m ravenous! Welcome to “Cooking With Keith”. Right here on today’s show, we’re going to be making some.. I don’t know.. something hopefully delicious. I don’t know what is going on exactly.. [ blonde on Keith’s left hands him some sort of funky-looking casserole ] Let’s have a look, then.. [ grimaces ] That doesn’t look too tasty. [ tosses it aside ] So, here today, to help us make this delectable delight, are two very dear friends of mine.. Connie, and.. what’s your name again, dear, I’m blanking..

Keisha: Keisha!

Keith Richards: Right, Lisa, right.. They’re going to be my, sort of, well, you know, culniary apostles for the duration of the program. Right. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty, then. The main ingredients in this sad meat mound are: Bacon.. a lot; some creamy corn; and my favorite, some of those false onion rings – you know, Funyons! If you’ve eaten all your Funyons – I know they’re addictive – pork rinds are good, but Funyons are better. Seriously, never, never, ever get the munchos! [ SUPER: “No Munchos Ever!!” ] Now.. the chuck. Seven and a quarter pounds.. a big-roasted chuck in the pan. I took this out of the freezer box last Wednesday, so it’ssoftened up a bit, as you can see!

Girls: Eeuugghh!!!

Keith Richards: [ pats the chuck ] Now, you see, marinating is a must, because there’s nothing more rotten than chewie.. Girls, get the booze. [ the girls pour a glass of booze for Keither, then pour the rest into the chuck pan ] Cheers! [ drinks booze ] So, the chuck is soaking, right? We’re having fun now, aren’t we? [ the girls agree ] I haven’t had this much fun since earlier today, I think?

[ coughs uproariously, the girls have to slap his back repeatedly to fix him up ]

So.. while we’re marinating.. it’s time for “Keith’s Party Tips”. [ girls hold up ice trays ] Did you know that if you make your ice with booze, it won’t dilute your drink, ’cause it adds even more booze. I got that one.. I got that one from Phil Spector! What ever happened to that cat? Right.

The next move, then, is the flour. I’ve got a good way to do this – you might want to do this yourself.. [ takes out a blade and cuts the flour into lines on the countertop ] Right? You see, cooking is like music to me – suddnely it just comes to me, right? I’ve got very little to do with it, really.. I’m like a.. well, I’m like an antenna. Right. So.. you get your flour, and you dust your chuck with it, right? And then you make it all kind of juicy, right? Keep it juicy. Now, you’ve got to put in the stuff.. [ the girls load the pan with misceelanous items lying on the countertop ] You know, we were supposed to cook a spring chicken today.. but Bill Wyman took it on a date! [ laughs ] Right. Margarine.. oh, one of me rings has just fallen in.. [ grabs the butter ] Now.. you’ve got Mr. Butter.. [ holds the container to his face and opens the lid halfway ] “Hello. Parkay!” [ laughs ] Right! [ chunks the butter container into the pan – Keisha retrives it, opens the container and grabs handfuls of butter to put into the pan ] I know you’re thinking I’ve probably got the Old-Timer’s Disease, because I’ve forgotten the creamy corn! Mr. Creamy Corn, get over here! [ grabs the creamy corn and slops it into the pan ] You put it all in here like this, see..and it goes around in a moat, all around a creamy tower. Right? Time to cook the mother! [ suddenly stands catatonic – Keisha pounds his chest, bringing him back to life ] Oh! Thank you. [ picks up the pan and turns toward the microwave ] What we’re gonna do now is.. is.. we’re gonna put it in the microwave.. [ opens the microwave and pulls out a funky dish ] Kow! What’s this?! It’s last week’s Goat’s Head soup! [ pushes it aside, and puts his Funyons dish in instead ] Right. So, you put this in here, close the door, press the zapper. Right? So.. while we’re cooking our meat for a length of time.. [ microwave sparks and sets on fire ] ..anyway.. that’s it, really. Join me next week when we’ll be making Chicken Tartar – won’t we, darling? Right.

[ Keith and girls play air-guitar as the show closes ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Goodnights

…..Gabriel Byrne

Gabriel Byrne: My thanks — [ the audience is cheering much too loudly for him to speak] My thanks to Bill Bradley, Lamar Alexander, Alanis Morissette. Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Miracles of Genetics

Doctor…..Gabriel Byrne
Husband…..Mark McKinney
Wife…..Nancy Walls
Clone Sammy…..Darrell Hammond
Clone Darlene…..Molly Shannon

[ open on married couple sitting at Doctor’s desk, as he enters behind them ]

Doctor: Ah! I, uh.. have the results of your amniocentesis here. Your blood count is perfect. Everything looks fine.

Wife: [ breathes a sigh of relief ]

Husband: Oh, thank God, Doctor! What a relief!

Doctor: So. Have you picked out a name?

Husband: Yeah. We like Sammy if it’s a boy, and Samantha if it’s a girl.

Wife: Kyle really wants a boy, though.

Husband: Oh, hey, come on! I never said that, I never said that! I mean, really, as long as it’s healthy.

Wife: As long as it has a penis.

Doctor: Well.. would you like to know what it is?

Husband: You mean, now?

Doctor: Yes. It’s up to you, of course.

Wife: I don’t know. What do you think?

Husband: What do you think?

Together: Sure!

Doctor: You have.. a boy.

Husband: [ jumps up ] Yes! Yes! A son! A so-o-o-o-o-onnnn!”

Wife: Just as long as it’s healthy, right? [ gets up ] So, everything’s okay?

Doctor: 100%. You have a normal, healthy, bisexual son. Now, we’ll see you again in four weeks. You can arrange it with Susan out front. Thank you.

[ the couple turn to leave, but the husband stops in his tracks ]

Husband: Wait.. I’m sorry, wait.. Doctor, you said normal?

Doctor: That’s right.

Husband: You said healthy.

Doctor: Yes.

Husband: You said, uh.. bisexual?

Doctor: That’s right. Oh, by the way – we validate now. Susan will stamp your ticket.

Wife: Uh.. how do you know..? You know, about the bisexual part..? [ sits back down ]

Doctor: Well, from the fetus’ genetic code. It’s all right here, if you know how to read it, of course. Your child – little Sammy – well, he’ll be straight until he’s in his mid-20’s.. then he’ll do some experimenting – it’ll last for two years, just a phase, nothing to worry about..

Wife: You can tell that? That’s incredible.

Doctor: Ma’am, we’re doing things with genetics now that seemedimpossible just 20 minutes ago. We can tell everything about ababy – his health, his gender, what he’ll look like..

Husband: Wait.. you can tell what he’ll look like?

Doctor: Oh, sure. Would you like to know? Well, of course, it’s up to you.

Wife: I don’t know..

Husband: You want to know what he looks like?

Together: Sure!

Doctor: Well, let’s see.. he’s bisexual, did I mention that?

Husband: Uh.. yes.

Doctor: Well, let’s see.. [ checks notes ] His appearance.. he’s5’10”, sandy hair.. he’ll be bald by the time he’s 29.. and dead of a brain hemorrhage before his 62nd birthday.

Husband: Wait, hang on.. he’ll be bald by the time he’s 29.

Wife: So he won’t be in show business.

Doctor: Well, that’s true. He won’t be in show business. Would you like to know what he will be?

Husband: [ stunned ] You can tell us what he’ll do, what he’s gonna be?

Doctor: Oh, yes, of course. You see, we’re all predisposed genetically towards certain occupations. Would you like to know? Of course, it’s up to you!

Wife: I don’t know.. do you want to know?

Husband: Why not. Yes.

Wife: Sure.

Doctor: Well, let’s see now.. he’s bisexual, did I say that?

Together: Yes.

Doctor: He’ll be one of two things. Either he’ll be a cannibalistic serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer.. or he’ll be a high school guidance counselor.

Husband: Well, I see no reason why he can’t be both.

Wife: Yes. Is there anything else?

Doctor: Well, let’s see.. bisexual.. flat feet, tone-deaf. He’ll register as an Independent, but he’ll usually vote as a Republican.

Wife: This is so incredible! I’m only in my first trimester, and I feel like I’ve already met him!

Doctor: Would you like to?

Husband: What?

Doctor: Meet him. Your son. You see, we cloned a sample of hisDNA from your visit. It’s, of course, easier than doing an ultrasound. And some parents like to keep the clones, so they’ve got twins. He’s, uh.. he’s outside.

Husband: [ amazed ] He’s outside?!

Doctor: Well, of course, it’s up to you.

Wife: You want to meet him?

Husband: Why not?

Wife: Sure!

Doctor: [ into intercom ] Send in the Will boy!

Wife: I can’t believe it! Oh, I can’t wait to hold him!

[ an adult clone in a hospital gown enters ]

Doctor: Kyle? Lynn? This is your son. Well, as you see, we’ve accelerated his growth. We can’t have a bunch of babies crawling around the place, obviously.

Clone Sammy: Um.. um.. what do you want?

Doctor: Sammy, say hello to your parents.

Husband: Hi.

Wife: Hi.

Clone Sammy: Um.. Sammy? Is that my name? Sammy? Is that the best you could do? Pul-leaze!

Husband: Well.. we were thinking something like Jacob, you know?

Clone Sammy: Jacob? Hmm.. what are we, Jews?

Wife: Well, we’re Jewish..

Clone Sammy: Oh.. [ faces the door ] Hey, Darlene? You want to meet my parents?

[ Clone Darlene enters and kisses Clone Sammy ]

Doctor: Uh.. your son met another clone, and they’ve been dating.

Clone Darlene: So, these are your folks?

Clone Sammy: Yeah. They’re Jews.

Clone Darlene: Oh, no way! Our kid ain’t growing up without aChristmas tree – I’m serious!

Wife: Your kid?

Doctor: Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention – Darlene is two monthspregnant. Congratulations, Grandma, Grandpa!

Husband: You mean, we’re gonna be grandparents now?

Doctor: Oh, yes. Would you like to know if it’s a boy or a girl? Of course, it’s up to you!

[ sketch fades, as the issue is contemplated ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Special Ladies

Shop Owner…..Nancy Walls
Robin Walker…..Gabriel Byrne
Woman #1…..Molly Shannon
Woman #2…..Cheri Oteri

Shop Owner: Well, I’m proud to announce that, despite the flash flood knocking out the main road, this is the largest turnout we’ve ever had for a reading at The Book Worm! It is noew my proud pleasure to introduce to you a man who is not afraid to celebrate the mature woman. The author of The Golden Ache is Missing You – Mr. Robin Walker!

[ the women cheer him out ]

Robin Walker: Oh, thank you. Thank you, ladies, for giving respite to this.. this poet, this traveler, this dreamer. Would you take pity on me, and be my special ladies tonight? [ the women squeal with approval ] Before I read from my novel, The Golden Ache of Missing You, I’d like to share with you some of my musings. I wrote this poem last night, when I was out camping next to my dusty, vintage truck.. thinking about the special lady that I loved and.. lost. [ the women sigh ] I call this one: “Special Lady”.

[ recites ]
“Night masks the great Niagra
As I fall, oh fall
in love with you, Special Lady.
Dawn awakens over the Serrengetti
but I won’t forgetti
you, my Special Lady.”
[ the women squeal in admiration ]

Thank you. You’re so.. You’re so special. Would anybody mind if I read a passage from my personal diary? [ no complaints ] I, uh.. I wrote this while I stared anagmatically out the window of an Iowa coffeeshop. [ reads ]

“Why is it that older women can’t see how beautiful they are? I don’t want some teenaged girl, untouched by life’s experience. Give me, instead, a woman with eyes worn from witnessing a thousand sunny days, a stomach strecthed from childbirth, her fanny spread from years of sitting behind a desk. Now that is a woman I will make love to in the bayous of Baton Rouge!!”

[ the women squeal excitedly, unable to take it ]

Ladies, before I go on, perhaps you have some questions for this weary wanderer?

[ all the women jump at the chance to ask him a question ]

Woman #1: Mr Walker!

Robin Walker: Yes. Special Lady.

Woman #1: Uh.. if it’s not too painful, Mr. Walker.. would you mind telling us about Francesca? The special lady that you loved and lost.

Robin Walker: Yes. Of course. You know,I lost her in a blizzard in Iowa.

Woman #2: What was she like? What was she like?

Robin Walker: She was.. she was the most desirable woman in the world – to me. 55 years old, long graying hair, breasts ripened by gravity, and a lot of bridgework. Oh.. how I loved her.

Shop Owner: You must miss her terribly.

Robin Walker: Yes, I do. You know, I still fantasize about what our.. future might have been like.. Sometimes, I see her at 85, working in her beloved garden, her hands swollen from arthritis. I gently take her cane, she falls into my arms. I carry her slowly up the staircase, her experienced lips meet mine in an endless kiss as I lead her to the adjustable bed. And I tease her earlobe with my tongue, and slowly run my hand along her support hose.. and I know that, without words, she is mine.. forever.

[ the women are silent ]

Woman #1: Um.. um.. we don’t like that story.

Robin Walker: I’m sorry? I.. I.. I don’t understand..

Shop Owner: Well.. you’re talking about having sex with an old lady. Like, somebody’s grandmother.

Robin Walker: I prefer to think of them as very, very mature,special ladies. I often think, sometimes, a prune is sweeter than a plum.

[ the women eeuggh ]

Shop Owner: Are you saying you want to have sex with an 85-year-old?!

Robin Walker: Yes! Why not! Love has no age!

Woman #2: I think that’s disgusting! [ everyone agrees ] Older women should not be used for your sexual fantasies!

Shop Owner: Old ladies are sweet and innocent! They don’t wannahave sex!

Robin Walker: Oh, what hypocrites you are! Oh yes, it’s fine to find middle-aged women exciting and sexy! But a women in her golden years is used up? Good for nothing but making doilies and handing out peppermints? Is that what you’re saying?

Women: Yes!!

[ the women angrily exit the bookstore ]

Robin Walker: But you’re wrong, I tell you! They’re beautiful! And desirable! I’ll tell you this – thirty years from now, you’ll be singing a different tune! Oh, yes! I understand the tangled web of women’s emotions! [ they all leave ] Ah, go, you hypocrites!

[ one Old Lady remains seated ]

Old Lady: Young man?

Robin Walker: Yes, Special Lady.

Old Lady: Would you like to have.. a peppermint?

Robin Walker: Oh, yes. I think I’d like that.. very much..

[ the Old Lady walks up to Robin, and falls into his arms as they dance in the middle of the bookstore ]

[ Music Over: “Up Where We Belong”, Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 28th, 1995

Gabriel Byrne

Alanis Morrisette

None

Bill Bradley

Lamar Alexander

Colin Quinn

Cheryl Hardwick

Lorne Michaels

Chipper Jones

Chrissy Hynde

Mark Wohlers

Tom Glavine

Paula Pell
Halloween in New HampshireSummary: Republican Presidential hopefuls harass a suburban homeowner in New Hampshire on her doorstep on Halloween night.

Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, Bill Clinton, Ross Perot.

Transcript

Montage

Gabriel Byrne’s MonologueSummary: As Gabriel Byrne explains that he won’t be mocked by the usual Irish stereotypes, a liquor bottle (Fred Wolf) and a potato (Colin Quinn) dance behind his back.

Marshall Power ToolsSummary: John Marshall, Jr. (David Koechner) and his family members make great use of their power tools, despite their lack of body parts.

Transcript

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Excitable Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) auditions for school talent show.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

Cooking With KeithSummary: A stoned Keith Richards (Gabriel Byrne) hosts a cooking show with a little help from a pair of bimbos.

Recurring Characters: Keith Richards.

Transcript

Alanis Morissette performs “Hand In My Pocket”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Phil Donahue (Darrell Hammond) finds that he’s easily overlooked thanks to Sally Jesse Raphael. Cheri Oteri acts immature with Molly Shannon, David Spade and Norm MacDonald during her editorial.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Miracles of GeneticsSummary: A doctor (Gabriel Byrne) who specializes in genetics introduces prospective parents (Mark McKinney, Nancy Walls) to the aged clone (Darrell Hammond) of their unborn child.

Transcript

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade delivers a taped report from the World Series.

Transcript

Alanis Morissette performs “All I Really Want”Lyrics

Special LadiesSummary: Paying tribute to The Bridges of Madison County, romance author Robin Walker (Gabriel Byrne) reveals his preference for wooing much older ladies.

Transcript

Rikers Island GuardSummary: Riker’s Island prison warden (Gabriel Byrne) dismisses a guard (Tim Meadows) with a fondness for being anally-raped by the inmates.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Natalie Merchant performs “Wonder”

…..David Schwimmer
…..Natalie Merchant

David Schwimmer: Ladies and gentlemen – Natalie Merchant.

Natalie Merchant: [ singing ]
“Doctors have come from distant cities just to see me
Stand over my bed, disbelieving what they’re seeing
They say I must be one if the wonder’s of God’s own creation
And as far as they see they can offer no explanation.

Newspapers ask intimate questions, want confessions
They reach into my head to steal the glory, of my story
They say I must be one if the wonder’s of God’s own creation
And as far as they see they can offer no explanation.

Oo-oo-ooh, I believe, that Fate smiles down on Destiny,
Laughed as she came to my cradle
“Know this child will be able.”
Laughed as my body, she lifted,
“Know this child will be gifted, with love, with patience,
and with faith, she’ll make her way, she’ll make her way.”

People see me, I’m a challange to your balance,
And I’m, I’m over your heads, how I confound you, and astound you
To know I must be one if the wonder’s of God’s own creation
And as far as you see you can offer no explanation.

Oo-oo-ooh, I believe, that Fate smiles down on Destiny,
Laughed as she came to my cradle
“Know this child will be able”
Laughed as she came to my mother
“Know this child will not suffer”
Laughed as my body, she lifted,
“Know this child will be gifted, with love, with patience,
and with faith, she’ll make her way, she’ll make her way
Oh, she’ll make her way.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

David Schwimmer’s Monologue

…..David Schwimmer
…..Lisa Kudrow
…..Jennifer Aniston
…..Gary Coleman
…..Barry Williams
…..Jimmy Walker

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – David Schwimmer!

David Schwimmer: Thank you. I’m not just saying that, but, uh.. it really is – it really is g to be here. In fact, when I was a kid growing up, I used to watch “Saturday Night Live” and wondered what it would feel like, you know, just to walk out on this stage knowing that millions of people were watching you. And, uh.. I have to say, now that I’m here – it’s a little scary. And a little lonely.

[ the house begins to play the theme from “Friends” on the piano ]

David Schwimmer: It’s times like these your kind of wish you had a friend around. “It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear / When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.”

[ suddunly, a familiar figure rises from the front row of the audience ]

Lisa Kudrow: I’ll be there for you, David.

David Schwimmer: “When the rain starts to pour,” Lisa?

[ Jennifer Aniston rises from her seat beside Lisa ]

Jennifer Aniston: We’ll be there for you, David.

David Schwimmer: “Like you’ve been there before,” Jen? [ happily ] Come on up here, you guys!

[ Lisa and Jennifer join David at Home Base, as he wraps hos arms around the two of them and hugs ]

David Schwimmer: Well, anyway —

[ suddenly, Gary Coleman appears from Stage Left ]

Gary Coleman: “Now, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum / What might be right for you, may not be right for some / It takes Diff’rent Strokes / It takes, Diff’rent Strokes to move the world.”

David Schwimmer: That’s right, Gary —

[ another surprise, as Barry Williams steps out from within the band area ]

Barry Willians: “Here’s a story, of a lovely lady / Who was bringing up three very lovely girls / All of them had hair of gold like their mother / The youngest one in curls.”

David Schwimmer: So, anyway — well, uh.. we’ve got a great, great show for you tonight —

[ the biggest surprise of all, as Jimmy Walker bursts from behind the host entrance door ]

Jimmy Walker: “Good Times / Any time you meet a payment!”

[ a huge church choir follows him onto the stage, singing the theme song in full ]

Choir: “Good Times / Any time you meet a payment / Good Times / Any time you need a friend / Good Times / Any time you’re out from under / Not getting hassled, not getting hustled / Keepin’ your head above water / Making a wave when you can.”

David Schwimmer: “Temporary lay offs.”

All: “Good Times.”

Gary Coleman: “Easy credit rip offs.”

All: “Good Times / Scratchin’ and surviving / Good Times / Hangin in a chow line / Good Times / Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em / Good Times!”

David Schwimmer: Well, uh.. that’s what friends are for! We’ve got a great show! Natalie Merchant is here tonight, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts