For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
November 19th 1994
John Turturro
Tom Petty
Joey Buttafuoco
David Hasselhoff
Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, Newt Gingrich.
(Repeat) See: 05/14/94.
Recurring Characters: Christopher Walken.
Recurring Characters: Judge Ito.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 6
94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty
Jamaica Tourism Ad
Female Spokesperson…..Ellen Cleghorne
Male Spokesperson…..Tim Meadows
[ Open on a shot of the beach. Happy island music plays. ]
Female spokesperson V/O: There is an island where the people are as ‘ospitable as the climate.
[ Fade to happy, laughing, grinning Jamaican spokespeople standing in front of a beach shot. ]
Female spokesperson: Where our white pristine beaches are your playground.
Male spokesperson: Because dey were put dere just for you.
Spokespeople: [ together ] And so were we!
Female spokesperson: Because when you va-key-shun in Ja-mey-ca, YOU’RE the boss!
Male spokesperson: And dat’s okay wit us!
Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] We do the cookin’, we do the cleanin’, we make your beds, we run the limbo contests!
Male spokesperson: We ‘old de stick while you try to limbo. It’s fun!
Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] Mess up your room all you like. I don’t mind bendin’ over to pick up your underwear! Why should I?
Male spokesperson: You want to t’row up in de pool, mon?
Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] No problem! We fish it out wit de skimmer!
Male spokesperson: Are you in college?
Female spokesperson: Then come on down, and get drunk and play loud music all night long while we’re trying to sleep, so that we can get up early to make your breakfast! Don’t worry!
Male spokesperson: It’s Jamaica!
Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] And feel free to complain to our boss about any little t’ing!
Male spokesperson: Report us, mon! Get us in trouble!
Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] If somet’ing is missing, assume we stole it! And then, when you find it in your suitcase, don’t apologize! No need! We’re used to it!
Male spokesperson: It’s Jamaica!
Female spokesperson: And bring de whoooooole fam’ly! We love de little children.
Male spokesperson: Because dey are de boss too!
Female spokesperson: We love it when a six-year-old says, “Gimme a towel, now!” It’s so cute!
Male spokesperson: So dis year, come on to Jamaica, because to tell you de truth, tourism is all we got!
Female spokesperson: Oh, I like the water! It feels so tickly!
[ Fade back to shot of beach from beginning. SUPER: JAMAICA / Where we basically live on tips ]
Female spokesperson V/O: Jamaica. Because basically, we live on tips.
Jingle: Jamaica, where we basically live on tips …
[ Applause ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 6
94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty
Dr. Josh Levine
Dr. Josh Levine…..Chris Elliott
FADE IN:
[ PHOTO OF DR. RESNICK (JOHN TURTURRO) ANGRY OVER A PATIENT. ZOOM ON PHOTO. ]
Narrator (V/O): Dr. Ira Resnick has been making some pretty wildaccusations about where Dr. Josh Levine went to school.
[ PHOTO INSERT OF DR. LEVINE SMILING. ]
[ SUPER: FACT — GRADUATED TUFTS MEDICAL SCHOOL ]
Narrator (V/O): Fact – Dr. Josh Levine graduated in the top 40% of hisTufts Dental School class.
[ SUPER: FACT — DIPLOMA AT PARENT’S HOUSE ]
Narrator (V/O): Fact – Josh Levine keeps his diploma at his parent’s house.
[ SUPER: FACT — STERILIZES HIS INSTRUMENTS ]
Narrator (V/O): And fact – Dr. Josh Levine sterilizes his instruments,something Dr. Resnick might want to look into.
[ PHOTO INSERT OF EARLIER DR. RESNICK PHOTO AND A ILLUSTRATION OF A MOUTHWITH “LIES” EDGED IN FROM PLAQUE. ]
Narrator (V/O): When you look at facts, Dr. Resnick accusations are a lotlike plaque… they need to be flossed away.
INT. DENTIST OFFICE – DAY
[ DR. JOSH LEVINE looms over a female patient with a drill. ]
Dr. Levine: Hi! I’m Dr. Josh Levine. I’ve been serving Bronxville’s dentalneeds for over seven years. Isn’t it time you came in for a cleaning thatyou knew was “clean”?
[ SUPER: DR. JOSH LEVINE – HE STERILIZES ALL HIS INSTRUMENTS ]
Narrator (V/O): Dr. Josh Levine – He sterilizes all his instruments.
Dr. Levine: And this month, 10% off all caps, bridges and crowns.
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 6
94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty
It’s A Wonderful Newt
Richard Nixon…..John Turturro
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Farley
Annie…..Ellen Cleghorne
Rodriguez…..Janeane Garofalo
Marianne Ginther…..Laura Kightlinger
Nick…..Kevin Nealon
FADE IN:
[ An RKO release ]
[ TITLE CARD: ITS A WONDERFUL NEWT ]
[ A sign reads: YOURE NOW IN WASHINGTON D.C. ]
[ SUPER: CHRISTMAS 1998 ]
[ EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. NIGHT ]
[ Snow falls hard on the nations capital. The score from Its a Wonderful Life plays over a montage of various D.C. landmarks. The Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives NEWT GINGRICH trudges onto a bridge looking over the Tidal section of the Potomac River. Speaker Gingrich sobs and lifts his left leg onto the edge of the bridge. Just then, President RICHARD NIXON appears. ]
Richard Nixon: Newt!!! Dont do it!!
Newt Gingrich: Who are you!?
Richard Nixon: Im your guardian angel — Richard Nixon!
Newt Gingrich: Mr. President!! I knew youd make it to heaven!
Richard Nixon: Not quite but Im working on it. Thats actually one reason why Im here, Newt.
Newt Gingrich: Well, Im gonna kill myself. Im gonna jump into the Potomac.
Richard Nixon: But you had a wonderful life, Newt Gingrich. As Speaker of the House, you were able to help many people — from the extremely rich to the crazy rich.
Newt Gingrich: I know! But $8,000 is missing from the House bank!
Richard Nixon: Thats nothing!! $8,000 is chicken feed! By the way, where is the $8,000?
Newt Gingrich: I dont know! I think Al DAmato picked it up by mistake. I could go to jail!! I wish I was never Speaker of the House!
Richard Nixon: Did you hear that? It might work!
Newt Gingrich: Who are you talking too!?
Richard Nixon: Uh just a friend of mine. All right! You got your wish! You were never Speaker of the House!
[ The night sky clears up. No more snow. ]
Newt Gingrich: Hey! It stopped snowing.
Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Mr. Non-Speaker.
Newt Gingrich: Look — if youre not gonna let me jump into the Potomac, Im going to go get a gun and kill myself.
Richard Nixon: Where are we going?
Newt Gingrich: Martinis Gun Shop.
[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon depart. ]
[ EXT. MARTINIS NIGHT ]
[ Martinis now reads MARTINIS MINORITY TEEN EMPOWERMENT CENTER AND ABORTION CLINIC ]
[ INT. MARTINIS NIGHT ]
[ R&B MUSIC plays as several teens, mostly minorities, play board games and so on. A number of women wait in line seated to receive free abortions. A sign on the wall reads NO PRAYING. Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon stare in disbelief. ]
Newt Gingrich: I dont understand!! This used to be Martinis Gun Shop! Now its Martinis Teen Empowerment Center and Abortion Clinic!
Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh
[ A teen in a wheelchair goes past the two. ]
Newt Gingrich: Hey! Howd he get up the stairs!?
Richard Nixon: He used the wheelchair ramp.
Newt Gingrich: Wheelchair ramp? But I had those things outlawed as part of my Anti-Cripple bill of 1995!
Richard Nixon: Dont you see, Newt? The Anti-Cripple bill never passed, because you were not there to push it through Congress.
[ NICK the Bartender stands a counter full of educational literature. ]
Nick: Can I help you gentlemen?
[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon come over to Nick. ]
Newt Gingrich: Nick! Nick! What happened to this place? Free syringes! Free condoms!
[ Speaker Gingrich picks up a book. ]
Newt Gingrich: Daddy Has a Friend Named Miguel!?!?
[ Speaker Gingrich slams the book to the ground. ]
Newt Gingrich: This used to be a gun shop!! You had Uzis over here and assault rifles over here! And right here you had that beautiful display of exploding, armor-piercing, dum-dum bullets!
Nick: Sir, I dont know who you are or even if youre a U.S. citizen. But you certainly welcome to any of our free social services, provided completely at taxpayers expense.
Richard Nixon: See, Newt? Beginning to grasp the enchilada?
[ A gynecologist, ANNIE, comes out of her exam room. ]
Annie: Uh Rodriguez?
[ A young Hispanic teenager, last name RODRIGUEZ, gets out of her chair. Speaker Gingrich spots Annie and makes his way over to her with President Nixon. ]
Newt Gingrich: Annie! Annie, its me! Newt Gingrich!
[ Annie smiles and shakes the Speakers hand. ]
Annie: Are you the new gay youth counselor?
[ Speaker Gingrich tears his hand away. ]
Newt Gingrich: No! Im Newt Gingrich! Speaker of the House! Dont you remember me!? You used to be our maid!?
Annie: Maid!? I was never a maid! I went to medical school under affirmative action and now Im the head abortionist here at the Teen Empowerment Center.
Richard Nixon: Is this becoming perfectly clear, Newt?
Newt Gingrich: But I had affirmative action killed! I even sent a case of scotch over to Ted Kennedys house so he wouldnt vote that day!!
Richard Nixon: Ted Kennedy never got that case of scotch because you were not there to send it to him!
[ The Rodriguez girl interrupts all three. ]
Rodriguez: Do I get my abortion or what?
[ Annie escorts her to the exam room. ]
Newt Gingrich: Look, Richard! I dont whats going on here, but tell me one thing — what happened to Hillary!?
Richard Nixon: You dont want to know
Newt Gingrich: She went back to Arkansas in disgrace, right!?
Richard Nixon: You dont want to know, Newt!
[ Speaker Gingrich grabs President Nixon by his blazer. ]
Newt Gingrich: TELL ME, DICK!!!
[ President Nixon strikes his famous pose with both hands flashing the peace sign. ]
Richard Nixon: SHES PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!
Newt Gingrich: NO!!!!!!
[ Speaker Gingrich is spinning in a vortex. He stops to catch his breath, then resumes spinning. ]
[ INT. GINGRICH BEDROOM NIGHT ]
[ Newt wakes up screaming in bed. His wife, Marianne Ginther, stops reading President Nixons autobiography and comforts him. ]
Marianne Ginther: Newt! Newt! Are you okay?
Newt Gingrich: Huh!?
Marianne Ginther: You were having a bad dream!
Newt Gingrich: What year is it!?
Marianne Ginther: It’s 1998, silly.
Newt Gingrich: And whos President!?
Marianne Ginther: Why, Michael Huffington, of course!
[ Speaker Gingrich sighs. ]
Newt Gingrich: Thank God!
Marianne Ginther: Honey, I was just reading Richard Nixons autobiography and I never noticed it before, but theres an inscription to you in here. It reads — Dear Newt, Remember – Every time a bell rings, I get poked in the ass with a pitchfork!
Newt Gingrich: Thats right!
[ Speaker Gingrich smiles as he waits for a bell to ring. Playing Newt, Farley looks around for the SNL crew to ring a tiny bell. Nothing. Picking up quick, Farley continues to go on. He lowers his head to a small Christmas tree on the nightstand pretending a bell has rung. ]
Newt Gingrich: Thats right!
[ Farley and Kightlinger face the camera. ]
Newt Gingrich: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 6
94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty
Dr. Ira Resnick
Dr. Ira Resnick…..John Turturro
FADE IN:
[ PHOTO OF A GLUM JOSH LEVINE (CHRIS ELLIOTT) HOLDING A MOUTH MIRROR ]
Narrator (V/O): Dr. Josh Levine says he’s a good dentist. Dr. Josh Levinesays he attended Tufts Dental School, the best dental school in thecountry. The only problem is Tufts Dental School never heard of a Dr. JoshLevine.
INT. DENTIST OFFICE – DAY
[ DR. IRA RESNICK examines a woman’s teeth. ]
Dr. Resnick: Hi! I’m Dr. Ira Resnick, D.D.S. I attended a dental school atNassau Community College. It may not be Tufts, but I got a diploma. How doI know? Its hanging on the wall.
[ Dr. Resnick points to a large diploma behind him. ]
Dr. Resnick: If you’re in Bronxville and you need dental care, give me a call.
[ Dr. Resnick points to the camera. ]
SUPER: DR. IRA RESNICK – HIS DIPLOMA’S ON THE WALL. ]
Narrator (V/O): Dr. Ira Resnick – his diploma’s on the wall.
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 6
94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty
Dr. Ira Resnick II
Dr. Ira Resnick…..John Turturro
Gloria…..Janeane Garofalo
FADE IN:
[ PHOTO OF A GLUM JOSH LEVINE (CHRIS ELLIOTT) SMILING CONFIDENT ]
Narrator (V/O): Dr. Josh Levine talks a lot about sterilizing instruments.Dr. Josh Levine says he cares. Then tell us, “Dr. Josh”, why your waitingroom is filled with six-month-old U.S. NEWS & WORLD REPORTS? And TELL US”Dr. Josh” —
[ PHOTO OF AN ELDERLY RECEPTIONIST. ]
Narrator (V/O): Why your receptionist is over 63-years-old? And finally,”Dr. Josh” —
[ PHOTO OF A DENTAL DRILL OPERATING ON A NERVE IN THE MOUTH. ]
Narrator (V/O): Why you don’t use Novocaine?
[ SOUND EFFECT OF A DRILL OPERATING. ]
Narrator (V/O): Come on, Dr. Josh! Don’t you think your patients deserve better?
[ SOUND EFFECT OF A WOMAN SCREAMING OVER AND OVER. ]
INT. DENTIST OFFICE – DAY
[ Dr. Ira Resnick stands next to his dental hygienist GLORIA. ]
Dr. Resnick: Hello! Dr. Ira Resnick here — telling Bronxville about mynewly decorated waiting room with the newest magazines and a fish tankwith REAL tropical fish and a 23-year-old hygienist. Isn’t that right, Gloria?
Gloria: That’s right, Dr. Resnick!
Dr. Resnick: Why do I do it? The same reason I use Novocaine — for you!!
[ Dr. Resnick points at the camera. ]
[ SUPER: DR. IRA RESNICK. HE USES NOVOCAINE. ]
Narrator (V/O): Dr. Ira Resnick. He uses Novocaine.
Dr. Resnick: And remember — I won’t feel you up when you’re unconscious!
[ SUPER: AND HE WON’T FEEL YOU UP WHEN YOU’RE UNCONSCIOUS. ]
Narrator (V/O): And he won’t feel you up when you’re unconscious.
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 6
94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty
Stop That!
Arthur Canton…..John Turturro
Phillip Atwell…..Chris Elliott
Caller…..Chris Farley
Golimo Echivalia…..Kevin Nealon
Announcer…..Don Pardo
FADE IN:
[ TITLE: STOP THAT ]
Announcer: From Television City in Hollywood, its Stop That! With your host – – Arthur Canton.
[ INT. TELEVISION CITY STUDIO DAY ]
[ An earth toned set with two white plush chairs adorn the area. ARTHUR CANTON, a nebbish man wearing browline glasses and an out of style suit, is seated. ]
Arthur Canton: Hello! Welcome to Stop That! Im Arthur Canton!
[ Arthur is shaking as he tries to loosen his collar. ]
Arthur Canton: Our first guest today is an interesting man
[ Arthur holds up a book titled YOU AND ME MAKE WE. ]
Arthur Canton: Hes a relationship expert and author of the book YOU AND ME MAKE WE — meet Mr. Phillip Atwell.
[ PHILLIP ATWELL, a man dressed very sharp, is next to Arthur. ]
Phillip Atwell: Thank you very much, Arthur.
[ The audience applauds. Arthur places the book down. ]
Phillip Atwell: Its nice to be here.
Arthur Canton: Its nice to have you here, Mr. Atwell. Tell us how you got started in helping people in relationships.
Phillip Atwell: Well, I was primarily a marriage counselor for about 10 years, not to mention Ive been in a couple of relationships myself
Arthur Canton: Couple of relationships myself
Phillip Atwell: And I started to
Arthur Canton: And you started to
[ Atwell pauses and studies Arthur. ]
Phillip Atwell: Interview a number of couples
Arthur Canton: Interview a number of couples
Phillip Atwell: Who a few years ago
Arthur Canton: A few years ago
Phillip Atwell: Eventually what I found
Arthur Canton: Eventually what I found
[ Atwell pauses and stares at Arthur for a moment or two. ]
Phillip Atwell: Im sorry – what are you doing?
Arthur Canton: Im sorry – what are you doing?
Phillip Atwell: No! What are you doing?
Arthur Canton: No! What are you doing?
Phillip Atwell: No, I just said
Arthur Canton: No, I just said
[ Both laugh. ]
Phillip Atwell: Okay. I get it. I see what youre doing.
Arthur Canton: See what youre doing
Phillip Atwell: Youre repeating everything I say.
Arthur Canton: Repeating everything I say
[ Both laugh. ]
Phillip Atwell: Thats very funny!
Arthur Canton: Very funny!
Phillip Atwell: I used to do that as a child.
Arthur Canton: As a child
Phillip Atwell: Thats very funny!
Arthur Canton: Very funny!
Phillip Atwell: Oh! You got me again!
Arthur Canton: Got me again
[ Both laugh. ]
Phillip Atwell: Anyway
Arthur Canton: Anyway
Phillip Atwell: I had talked to a number of these people and found out —
Arthur Canton: And found out
Phillip Atwell: Okay, seriously can you stop that?
Arthur Canton: Okay, seriously can you stop that?
Phillip Atwell: No, Im serious! Its not funny anymore
Arthur Canton: No, Im serious
Phillip Atwell: No, serious, could you stop that? Its not funny anymore
Arthur Canton: No, serious! Its not funny anymore
Phillip Atwell: Stop that!
Arthur Canton: Stop that!
Phillip Atwell: I SAID STOP THAT!!
Arthur Canton: I SAID STOP THAT!!
Phillip Atwell: STOP THAT!!
Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!
[ Both men rise to their feet. Face to face. ]
Arthur Canton: What!?
Phillip Atwell: You invited me on this show!!
Arthur Canton: You invited me on this show!!
Phillip Atwell: This is very rude!!
Arthur Canton: This is very rude!!
Phillip Atwell: Its very rude!
Arthur Canton: Its very rude!
Phillip Atwell: Please!?!?
Arthur Canton: Please!?!?
Phillip Atwell: Would you please stop that!?!?
Arthur Canton: Would you please stop that!?!?
[ Both men have a seat. ]
Phillip Atwell: Repeat this
Arthur Canton: Okay! Repeat this
Phillip Atwell: Im an idiot.
Arthur Canton: Youre an idiot.
Phillip Atwell: No! Im an idiot.
Arthur Canton: Youre an idiot.
Phillip Atwell: No! Im an idiot.
Arthur Canton: Youre an idiot.
Phillip Atwell: Oh, forget it!
Arthur Canton: Oh, forget it!
[ Atwell storms off. ]
Arthur Canton: Okay!! That was great! Lets take a phone call from one of our viewers
[ Arthur takes a seat. He turns on the speaker on the phone. ]
Arthur Canton: Hello! Houston, Texas — youre on Stop That!
Caller (V/O): Uh Hi there!!
Arthur Canton: Hi there!!
Caller (V/O): What!?
Arthur Canton: What!?
Caller (V/O): Hello?
Arthur Canton: Hello?
Caller (V/O): Am I on?
Arthur Canton: Am I on?
Caller (V/O): Hey yall on the line?
Arthur Canton: Yall on the line?
Caller (V/O): Cmon!
Arthur Canton: Oh cmon!
Caller (V/O): THIS IS DAMN STUPID!!
Arthur Canton: THIS IS DAMN STUPID!!
Caller (V/O): STOP THAT!!
Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!
Caller (V/O): OH, THE HELL! I DONT NEED THIS!!
Arthur Canton: OH, THE HELL WITH THAT!!
[ The caller hangs up. A hang-up tone is heard. Arthur mimics the hang-up tone then the off the hand set tone. Arthur turns off the speakerphone. ]
Arthur Canton: All right! Thats enough! Thats enough! Okay — our next guest is one of the worlds leading classical guitarists and Im actually surprised he decided to show. Im kind of excited! Ladies and gentlemen — from Spain, its Golimo Echivalia!!
[ GOLIMO ECHIVALIA, a tall, pony-tailed Spaniard dressed like Johnny Cash, strums one perfect note after another on his classical guitar. Arthur, after watching Golimo for some time, sneaks up on him and begins mocking his technique and playing guitar altogether. Golimo stops and focuses on Arthur, whos frozen. Golimo begins playing again, only for Arthur to mock him again. Golimo stops to look at Arthur, who pretends to be watching. Golimo begins to play faster and faster while Arthur becomes more and more annoying. ]
Golimo Echivalia: This is very distracting!
Arthur Canton: This is very distracting!
Golimo Echivalia: I have played for Presidents I have played for kings
Arthur Canton: I have played for Presidents I have played for kings
Golimo Echivalia: Look — I have not traveled 12,000 miles to be mocked!
Arthur Canton: Look — I have not traveled 12,000 miles to be mocked!
Golimo Echivalia: STOP THAT!!
Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!
Golimo Echivalia: STOP THAT!!
Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!
[ Both rise to their feet. ]
Golimo Echivalia: YOU ARE BENEATH CONTEMPT!
Arthur Canton: YOU ARE BENEATH CONTEMPT!
[ Golimo storms off. ]
Arthur Canton: Wow! Classical guitarist Golimo Echivalia!! All right! Next up, next up! We have —
[ Phillip Atwell returns. ]
Arthur Canton: Oh! Look whos back — its Mr. Atwell! Care to give it another go, Mr. Atwell?
Phillip Atwell: Give it another go, Mr. Atwell?
Arthur Canton: Ah! Very clever!
Phillip Atwell: Very clever!
Arthur Canton: Very good!
Phillip Atwell: Very good!
Arthur Canton: Hes trying to turn it around!
Phillip Atwell: Trying to turn it around
Arthur Canton: You see this folks!
Phillip Atwell: You see this folks!
Arthur Canton: This is very exciting!
Phillip Atwell: This is very exciting!
Arthur Canton: Unfortunately, I know a trick
Phillip Atwell: I know a trick
Arthur Canton: That will foil
Phillip Atwell: That will foil
Arthur Canton: Mr. Atwells plans.
Phillip Atwell: Mr. Atwells plans.
Arthur Canton: Here we go
Phillip Atwell: Here we go
Arthur Canton: Listen closely
Phillip Atwell: Listen closely
Arthur Canton: Jack & Jill
Phillip Atwell: Jack & Jill
Arthur Canton: went up a hill
Phillip Atwell: went up a hill
Arthur Canton: to fetch a pail
Phillip Atwell: to fetch a pail of water!
Arthur Canton: a pail of water!
Phillip Atwell: Damn it!!
Arthur Canton: Damn it!!
Phillip Atwell: You are a total waste of a human being!!
Arthur Canton: You are a total waste of a human being!!
[ The two start yammering at each other until Atwell just storms off the set. ]
Arthur Canton: THE MASTER IS BACK! YES! Thats all for today! See you next week on Stop That!
[ Arthur does a twirl then retires to his chair. ]
[ TITLE: STOP THAT ]
END
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Judge Lance Ito … Mike Myers
… David Hasselhoff
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and striped necktie,sits at the WU desk and straightens his sheaf ofpapers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Hi, I’m NormMacDonald and this is the fake news. …
Newly elected Governor George Pataki says he wants tobring the death penalty back to New York. First up:Mayor Rudy Giuliani. … [applause]
[Photo of President Clinton waving in front of a guyin a funny mask.] According to a poll taken last week,if the presidentel– if the presidential electionswere held tomorrow, the guy in the funny mask wouldwin. [not many laughs, scattered applause] Maybe if Ihad said the word properly … ?
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration iswarning people not to overeat on Thanksgiving becauseit can make you drowsy at the wheel. Well, that’s badnews for me, you know, ’cause after Thanksgivingdinner I usually like to drive around a while, until Isober up. …
Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guestappearance on the hit show “Baywatch.” Now, myresearch has uncovered that Fergie is actuallyBritish, not German, which, while not proving,certainly does nothing to disprove my time-testedtheory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! …
George Foreman says his upcoming autobiography will bean inspiration to every American who has tried toreach the impossible dream. And, in a related story,former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer says thathe wants his autobiography to be an inspiration toanyone who’s ever been beaten up by an old man. …[applause]
In North Dakota this week, a hunter narrowly escapeddeath when a pocketknife in his breast pocketdeflected a bullet shot by another hunter. Man, youknow we have too many weapons in this country whenpeople are getting shot in the knife. …[light applause]
Judge Ito was interviewed this week by a local TVstation in Los Angeles. Asked by the interviewer if itwas appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to beon TV with his case still pending, Ito said, “Maybenot, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife?”… [applause]
Anyway, he did an interview and here to explain hisactions is Judge Lance Ito! Welcome, Judge Ito.[Cheers and applause for modest Judge Ito wears hisblack judicial robe.]
Judge Lance Ito: Thank you. Thank you verymuch. Uh, actually, thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Now, Judge Ito, isn’t it ironicthat someone so critical of the media would allowthemselves to be the subject of such an in-depthtelevision interview?
Judge Lance Ito: [politely] Ah, well, Norm, uh,a lot of people expect me to, uh, apologize, uh, forthe interview, uh – That somehow it was, uh,inappropriate, uh, hypocritical or what have you, uh,but I really have only one thing to say to that and,uh, that is– [rips off his black robe to reveal abright red, spangled suit and a multicolored necktieand a new, assertive personality] I’M A STAR, BABY!!!I’M A HUGE, FREAKIN’ STAR, BABY!!! BAMBI! THUMPER!COME TO PAPA!
[With a brief burst of cheesy show music, two Vegasshowgirls enter and hand Ito an oversized martiniglass and long cigarette. The girls hover over Ito,running their hands all over him, till heexits.]
Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito, I have to say I’mshocked. I had no idea there was this side toyou.
Judge Lance Ito: GET USED TO IT, NORMY, ‘CAUSEI’M JUDGE ITO AND I GOT THE POWER! [sings] I got thepower! Unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh.[speaks] You know, if I want to sequester the jury fortwo years, I can do it! If I want it so that thejurors can only watch “Saved By the Bell,” I can dothat, too! If I say to Shapiro, “Jump!” – he says tome, “Ito, you superstar, how freakin’ high?!”
Norm MacDonald: So, I take it, then, you’re notgoing to apologize.
Judge Lance Ito: Oh, no, no. I’ll apologize.America — I’m sorry I’m so damn sexy! [smokes hiscigarette, sips his drink]
Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito, I have to say, itsounds like this has gone to your head.
Judge Lance Ito: Hey, hey, hey, chief, chief,chief, chief. The name’s not “Judge Ito.” I’ve changedit. It’s just “Ito.” And, in two months, I’ll beunveiling my new name. [holds up a card showing animage of Prince’s famous glyph which features ajudge’s gavel] Yeah. I’ll be The Judge Formerly Knownas Lance Ito. And hey, Normy, Normy. Hey, do you thinkO. J. did it? I think he did it.
Norm MacDonald: What? Are you crazy? You can’tsay that! Ya gotta be impartial!
Judge Lance Ito: Oh, blah, blah, blah! ZIP IT!I’M ITO! I’M A FREAKIN’ STAR, BABY! America loves me!America loves Ito! And now I’m gonna to give it to’em!
[The set darkens and a spotlight shines on Ito as hejumps up on top of the desk and dances energeticallyto Snap’s “The Power” – at one point revealing “ITO!”stitched in spangled letters across the back of hisspangled jacket. The showgirls groove in thebackground as Norm grins and holds onto his sheaf ofpapers protectively. Finally, Ito jumps down andreturns to his seat.]
Judge Lance Ito: Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! [muchapplause] I’d just like to mention, uh, [pulls cardfrom pocket and reads it] I’d just like to mentionthat I’ll be at the Sands in Las Vegas, December– atthe MGM Grand with Buddy Hackett, December nineteenththrough the twenty-third. And if you’re in town, youknow, come on by, say hello. All right.[applause]
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Judge Ito. Thank you,Judge.
Judge Lance Ito: [rubs Norm’s hair] Normy.[rises, points to camera] Hey, America, I love you![to his girls] Yeah, come on, babies, let’s go. [Itoand his girls exit.]
Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito.
It was revealed today that O. J. Simpson told policethat Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up.He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killedhim. … [applause]
Talk show host Ricki Lake was arrested for vandalismafter demonstrating against fur. She said wearing furwas in bad taste. Then, returned to her studio to tapea show entitled “Why Whores Get the Clap.” …[applause]
Yeah, Ricki Lake, you know, ah, she is – really is ananimal lover though. She has three cats, two dogs anda big ass that follows her around everywhere. …[Cheers, applause, groans, hoots, etc.]
Well, there may be trouble in paradise. Lisa MariePresley confirmed this week that she and MichaelJackson live in separate residences, fifty miles awayfrom each other. Lisa Marie was quoted as saying, “Iguess being married to a homosexual pedophile wasn’tsuch a great idea after all.” … [applause]
Researchers have developed a so-called “red wine pill”which gives all of the benefits of red wine withoutthe alcohol. Yeah. It’s called a grape! …
Norm MacDonald: In other entertainment news,one of the world’s biggest stars just completed awhirlwind three week world tour. Tonight he’s agreedto come to Update to tell us about it. Ladies andgentlemen, David Hasselhoff!
[Much applause for Hasselhoff who wears a leatherPlanet Hollywood jacket.]
David Hasselhoff: Thank you! Thank you verymuch! [laughs at all the applause] My recent worldtour was an incredible experience. I went totwenty-one countries in just fifteen days and I’ve gotsome amazing stories to tell. In Japan, for instance-instance, I was invited to the state dinner at theEmperor’s Palace. What I didn’t know was the emp–
Norm MacDonald: Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hang ona second. Did you just say Japan?
David Hasselhoff: Yes, I did.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, well, no offense, youknow, but I don’t think anybody cares about Japan. Whydon’t you, ah, why don’t you focus on the countrieswhere you’re, you know, you’re popular?
David Hasselhoff: Oh. Well, in China we had anincredible experience. The entire cast of “Baywatch”was invited to the Great Wall where hundreds ofthousands of Chinese people were chanting in unison,”Baywatch, Ba–”
Norm MacDonald: Whoaaaaa, whoaaa. Wait, wait.Chinese people?
David Hasselhoff: Yes, of course.
Norm MacDonald: Look, why don’t we skip China?In fact, rule out all of Asia.
David Hasselhoff: Okay, okay. Well, I mean,what do you want to hear about? I mean, I’ve got somegreat stories from all over the world.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah? I was thinking, youknow, ah, some place where you’re especially popular,you know, like in, uh, Europe.
David Hasselhoff: Oh! Well, in Italy–
Norm MacDonald: Northern Europe, NorthernEurope!
David Hasselhoff: Oh, I got you. I got you.Okay. I got you. There’s one country that theyabsolutely love me — Norway.
Norm MacDonald: Norway?! What, are you crazy?!They like everybody in Norway! Nobody gives a damnabout Norway! What the hell’s wrong with ya?
David Hasselhoff: Look, ah, what’s going onhere? I’ve never seen you like this.
Norm MacDonald: Well, ahhhh, to tell you thetruth, you know, I didn’t want to be the one to bringit up but, uh, what about Germany? I mean, how do the- how do the Germans feel about ya?
David Hasselhoff: Well, on this trip, weactually didn’t stop in Germany–
Norm MacDonald: I don’t care about your stupidtrip!! Look, just tell me how you would characterize– in one sentence — the way Germans feel about you.
David Hasselhoff: Well, I’ve always beenfortunate to get a very positive response from theGermans–
Norm MacDonald: Oh, my God! This is no time forfalse modesty! We’re runnin’ late, we gotta wrap thisthing up! Do Germans love you?
David Hasselhoff: Well, “love” is an awfullystrong word…
Norm MacDonald: [hand to head] Oh, listen,David, uh… Let’s say a guy had a theory, all right?
David Hasselhoff: All right.
Norm MacDonald: A theory that he’s devotedseveral years of his life to. And let’s say he has alot of evidence to back up this theory of his.
David Hasselhoff: All right.
Norm MacDonald: [puts a large pile ofdocuments, file folders, etc., on desk — Hasselhoffis stunned] Now, don’t you think it would just becommon courtesy to help that guy out, you know, andnot – not ruin his life?
David Hasselhoff: Listen, I don’t know what youwant me to say here, pal.
Norm MacDonald: Oh my God, here, I’ll write itdown. [searches his pockets for a pencil, finds one,scribbles something on a piece of paper and gives itto David] Here! Say this!
David Hasselhoff: [puzzled, reads from paper]”Germans love me.”
[Camera pans quickly from Hasselhoff to a beamingMacDonald who addresses the camera.]
Norm MacDonald: Which once again proves mytheory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [Cheers andapplause.] And that’s the news! See you next time.Thank you, David. [fusses with his pile ofdocuments]
David Hasselhoff: [waves good-bye] Aufwiedersehen! [?], meine liebe! Auf wiedersehen! Aufwiedersehen!
Submitted Anonymously
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 3rd 1994
Roseanne
Green Day
Rip Taylor
Green Day, “When I Come Around”
Sen. Jesse Helms (Mike Myers) issues more non-specific threats to White House.Recurring Characters: Jesse Helms.
Roseanne has nasty words about TV critics and Hollywood celebrities.
(Repeat) See: 09/24/94.
Following crashes, new safety regulations are in order.
Tom Arnold (Chris Farley) rides new wife Madonna’s (Janene Garafalo) coattails.Recurring Characters: Tom Arnold, Madonna, Rosie O’Donnell.
Philadelphia operator (Roseanne) finds boredom within life-threatening 911 calls.
David Spade addresses striking athletes.For the ACLU, Naomi Green (Janene Garafalo) comments on Jeffrey Dahmer death.Adam Sandler sings his “Chanukahg Song”.
Dieters (Roseanne, Laura Kightlinger, Ellen Cleghorne) try low-fat yogurt.
High school dropouts put the Civil War into words.
Psychoanalyst (Norm MacDonald) enjoys Roseanne’s whorey personality.
Novelty shop items are more creepy than laugh-out-loud funny.
Inmate Bobby Blake (Laura Kightlinger) hosts talk show in women’s prison.
Rescue 911
Patrick Stewart…..Michael McKean
Female Caller…..Janene Garafalo
911 Operator…..Roseanne
Male Caller…..Jay Mohr
Spanish Caller…..Ellen Cleghorne
Jordy…..Tim Meadows
Announcer: Tonight, “Rescue 911” goes to Philadelphia. With your host, Patrick Stewart.
[ dissolve to Patrick Stewart ]
Patrick Stewart: Good evening. I’m Patrick Stewart. Filling in for William Shatner. Thank you. This week, “Rescue 911” travels to the streets of Philadelphia. In our first story, a Philadelphia 911 operator has to make a split-second decision, when she receives a call about a man choking. It’s a life or death situation.
[ dissolve to Re-Enactment of Female Caller panicking as her husband chokes ]
Female Caller: Help me! My husband’s choking to death! Please help me, he’s gonna diiiieeee!
[ dissolve to 911 Operator handling the call ]
911 Operator: [ annoyed ] Alright, allright! Would you stop screaming in my ear! I heard you! Geez!
Female Caller: Oh, Go-o-o-o-od! Oh, God, he’s not breathing, send an ambulance!
911 Operator: Oh, keep your pants on! What’s he choking on, anyway?
Female Caller: An egg salad sandwich!
911 Operator: [ disgusted ] Oh, that is gross! How do you choke on egg salad? Hasn’t he heard of that new thing called chewing?
[ dissolve to Patrick Stewart ]
Patrick Stewart: As the seconds tick by, the 911 operator elicits further information.
[ dissolve back to call ]
911 Operator: Who eats egg salad, anyway?
Female Caller: You’ve got to send an ambulance! Now!
911 Operator: [ put off ] Hey! Don’t tell me how to do my job! You keep talking like that, I’m gonna hang up!
Female Caller: Well, can I talk to somebody else there? Because you’re really starting to..
911 Operator: [ hangs up ] Jackass!
[ dissolve to 911 Operator in recap of scene ]
911 Operator: I gotta send an ambulance?! I got-ta send an ambulance?! Hey, I work for the city! I don’t gotta do anything! She’s lucky I don’t drive over there myself and show her what choking to death is really like!
[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]
Patrick Stewart: In our next story: an armed robbery on the streets of Philadelphia turns deadly, and it’s up to a 911 operator to handle the crisis. Listen, as we play the actual recording of a 911 call. Make it so!
[ show text of call over image of tape recorder device ]
Male Caller: The guy’s got a gun, and he shot someone! He’s bleeding all over!
911 Operator: [ bored ] Uh-huh?
Male Caller: Oh, man, hurry up! They’re killing each other! It’s 1-5-6 Market Street!
911 Operator: Uh-huh..?
Male Caller: Oh, man, he’s shooting now! They’re both shooting! Aaagghhh!!
911 Operator: Yeah.
[ SUPER: “911 Operator: Makes Yap Yap Yap sign with her hands” ]
[ SUPER: “911 Operator: Sticks her finger in her throat to indicate the call makes her want to throw up” ]
[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]
Patrick Stewart: In our third story: it’s another life and death moment, and time is of the essence. Engage!
[ phone rings, but no operator is there to answer ]
[ dissolve to 911 Operator giving recap of scene ]
911 Operator: Alright, so I missed that call! I don’t know where the hell I was, and who cares! They’ll probably just call back later with some other stupid emergency! What is it with these people, anyway? I’ll tell you, sometimes I get so damn mad, I just want to take the thing off the hook! And I do!
[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]
Patrick Stewart: Next week, on “Rescue 911”: a Philadelphia 911 operator faces a special challenge. Maximum warp!
[ dissolve to 911 Operator taking call from Spanish Caller ]
Spanish Caller: [ in Spanish ] Por favor! Por favor!
911 Operator: What?! I don’t understand you! Are you speaking.. Spanish? [ Spanish Caller continues to ramble in Spanish ] Hey, if you keep talking like that, I’m just gonna hang up! [ the spanish continues, so 911 Operator hangs up ] Foreignor!
[ dissolve back to Patrick Stewart ]
Patrick Stewart: That’s all for this time. See you next week on “Rescue 911”.
[ suddenly, Jordy enters scene ]
Jordy: Goodbye!
[ Patrick Stewart is dumbfounded by the surprise appearance, as title card appears over them to fade ]