Author: Don Roy King

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 2

89b: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones

The Big Bitch Bull Dyke Bust Out of ’89

Zsa Zsa Gabor…..Victoria Jackson
Leona Helmesley…..Nora Dunn
Jim Bakker…..Rick Moranis
Tammy Faye Bakker…..Jan Hooks
Customer…..Jon Lovitz
Clerk…..Phil Hartman

[ SUPER: “Chattanooga Women’s Correctional Facility” ]

[ dissolve open on Zsa Zsa Gabor being beat up by the other female prisoners, until Leona Helmesley enters to break it up ]

Leona Helmesley: That’s enough!

Buffy: Back off, Leona! Zsa Zsa ain’t your problem!Leona Helmesley: That’s right, Buffy.. you’re my problem! [ pounds Buffy to the ground ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Stop, dahlink, please. She’s dead already. Dahlink! [ slaps Leona ]

[ cut to nighttime, show Leona holding a gun to Zsa Zsa’s back as they dig through an escape tunnel underneath the prison ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I can’t go on any longer, dahlink!

Leona Helmesley: You wanna rot in that stinkin’ joint?! Keep digging!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I’m not made for this type of thing. New York is where I’d rather stay..

Leona Helmesley: Shut up!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I get allergic smelling hay..

Leona Helmesley: Shut up! And you’d better keep that dog quiet!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: He can’t help it, he’s very nervous.

Leona Helmesley: I’m giving you five seconds to shut that mutt up!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Please, Froo Froo! Mommy needs you to be quiet!

[ Froo Froo continues to bark nervously; Leona gras it and shoots it dead ]

Froo Froo! Ohh! My little Froo Froo!

Leona Helmesley: Stop that whimpering! I said stop that whimpering!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Dahlink, I am stopping the whimpering already..

Leona Helmesley: Then what the hell is that?

[ Jim Bakker breaks through he tunnel, whimpering ]

Jim Bakker: Oh, praise the Lord, thank God! I thought you were the cops. Unh, unh, unh..

Leona Helmesley: Jim Bakker!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Thank God, dahlink. Someone from show business.

Leona Helmesley: How the hell did you get here?

Jim Bakker: I was tunneling out of the men’s prison, and I.. I got lost.. unh.. [ curls into fetal position and cries ]

Leona Helmesley: You little wimp! Get out of that fetal position! I’ve got an 85-year-old husband who’s senile and incontinent, and he’s still twice the man you are!

Jim Bakker: Please don’t hurt me, Insane Tenant Lady! Hey.. I can help you – I got a getaway car waiting.

Leona Helmesley: Start digging!

[ dissolve to Tammy Faye Bakker waiting in the getaway car, singing her praises to God as Jim, Leona and Zsa Zsa stumble into the car ]

Tammy Faye Bakker: Jim..? Who are these women, have you had their way with them? I forgive you! I do! I forgive you! [ weeps ]

Jim Bakker: They forced me to take them along!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Are they Christians?

Leona Helmesley: [ points her gun at Tammy’s head ] This is my gun.. [ opens the barrel ] ..and these are his six apostles!

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ weeping ] Oh, Dear Lord in Heaven, hear my prayer, oh Lord!

[ toy car and road map illustrates the trek across country the four members of the gang have taken ]

[ disolve to interior, 7-11 somewhere in the Midwest ]

Clerk: Okay, that’s a Playboy, a Penthouse, a large coffee, and a Nodoze.. [ accepts payment ] Thank you.

Customer: Thank you! [ exits 7-11 ]

Leona enters with gun pointed to a weeping Tammy Faye Bakker’s back ]

Clerk: Hello, ma’am! May I help you?

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ trying to point her eyes towards Leona on the side ] Oh, gosh, what is it that I want? [ giggles nervously ]

Clerk: That’s alright, ma’am, just calm down. You take your time, and then tell me what you need.

Leona Helmesley: [ moves in and points her gun at the Clerk ] I’ll tell you what we need, we need the MONEY!!

Clerk: [ trembling ] Okay, okay, lady, don’t shoot!

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ praying as she takes the money from the cash register ] Oh, Lord, please forgive us for what we’re doing..

Leona Helmesley: Don’t look at me! Don’t look at me!!

Clerk: I’m not looking at you!!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Don’t kill him, Leona, please don’t kill him!!

Leona Helmesley: [ angry ] You said my NAME!! You said my NAME!!

[ back at the car, Jim hits on Zsa Zsa ]

Jim Bakker: Of course, Tammy.. forgave me for my indescretion with Jessica.. But that’s the kind of marriage we have. It’s open. [ a gunshot is heard ] What the hel was that?! [ starts weeping ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Get a grip on yourself, dahlink!

Jim Bakker: I’m okay.. [ weeps some more ]

[ inside, Leona and Tammy Faye are arguing, as the Clerk lays dying across the counter ]

Leona Helmesley: I’m taking this out ot the car – here.. [ hands the gun over ] ..you finish him off! [ exits ]

Tammy Faye Bakker: No, I can’t do that! I can’t.. [ her mascara is running down her face as she cries ] Oh, Lord.. I know I’ve asked you for a lot.. but grant me this one prayer: please let this witness die of wounds already received! Oh, Lord.. this is the only thing I ask of you: let this witness die!”

Leona Helmesley: [ re-enters ] I told you to finish him off! [ takes the gun and shoots the Clerk dead at last ]

[ toy car and road map illustrates the trek across country the four members of the gang have taken ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: [ holding up the stolen money ] Alright, dahlinks, I’ve figured it out – we’ve got $1,648, that’s $412 each, dahlink..

Leona Helmesley: You’re gonna give them half!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Well, why shouldn’t we get equal shares? WE run the same risk!

Leona Helmesley: Oh, yeah, right, “We run the same risk..” Then why, when it’s your turn to pull the trigger, you wuss up?!

Tammy Faye Bakker: I’m going to say something, and I’m going to say it right now: I think you killed far too may people on this spree! You didn’t hsave to kill that clown in front of the car wash, it was just part of a promotion!

Jim Bakker: Praise Thee!

Leona Helmesley: Wait a minute.. the car wash.. How come we only have $1,600 – that was a thousand right there! A thousand at the car wash, eight-hundred at the photomat..

Zsa Zsa Gabor: That’s right, dahlin, we should have a lot more..

[ the Bakkers whistle quietly ]

Leona Helmesley: Bakker?

Jim Bakker: I swear I didn’t do it! [ Leona points her gun ] Alright! Alright! It’s in my pants!

Leona Helmesley: [ pulls it out of his pants ] Is that it?

Jim Bakker: There’s a fifty taped to the bottom of the oil can..

Leona Helmesley: Any more?!

Jim Bakker: I mailed myself $200 from the last motel..

Leona Helmesley: That’s all?!

Jim Bakker: I put a five in a baggie and swallowed it!

Leona Helmesley: And?

Jim Bakker: That’s it!

Leona Helmesley: Al-right, you sonofabitch, you’re dead meat! If ZSa ZSa could drive a stick, your brains would be splattered all over that window!!

Jim Bakker: No! no! Noooooo!!

[ Jim loses control of the wheel, as they careen over a cliff ]

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

[ Scrolling SUPER: “The character of Leona Helmesley was actually a composite of many characters, including the real Leona Helmsley and a number of convicted serial killers. The characters of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker and Zsa Zsa Gabor, however, are based on fact.” ]

[ fade out ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 2

89b: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones

Wild Horse

Stableboy…..Rick Moranis
Chet…..Phil Hartman
Rancher…..Kevin Nealon
Little Indian Boy…..Mike Myers
Miss Parsons…..Nora Dunn

[ open on two cowboys eyeballing a wild horse from the safe side of the fence ]

Stableboy: You’re gonna do it, ain’t ya, Chet! You’re gonna ride ‘er! You’re gonna ride that big mare, ain’t ya, Chet! You’re gonna do it, you’re gonna break that big, wild mare! You’re gonna ride Sheba, Chet! No one’s ever done it, but you’re gonna do it, Chet! You’re gonna do it, ain’t ya!

[ stock footage shows the mare resisting the Rancher’s tug ]

[ back at the fence, the Rancher appears on-camera tugging at the off-screen horse ]

Rancher: Give me a wider whip than that! I can’t hold on to it much longer! [ Chet steps forward, determination in his eyes ] I’d be careful, Mr. Matsen, this is one dangerous horse!

Chet: We’ll see.. [ walks offscreen to ride the wild horse ]

Stableboy: You’re gonna do it, ain’t ya, Chet! You’re gonna ride Sheba!

[ Chet is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Chet: [ screaming ] Help me!! Somebody please get me off!!

[ back at the fence, we see Chet’s body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

[ show stock footage of Sheba jumping wildly ]

[ at the fence, Chet stands up, shaking fiercely ]

Stableboy: Are you alright, Chet?! Are you okay?!

Chet: I don’t know!! I’m scared, I’m shook up, I was CRAZY to get on that HORSE!!

Stableboy: Mr. Matsen, maybe it’s not my place.. I mean.. I know I’m just a stableboy and all, but.. I’d like to try and ride that horse!

Chet: WHAT?!! YOU ride her?!

Stableboy: Yeah! [ runs towards the horse ]

Chet: No! Jimmy! No, Jimmy, don’t!

[ Stableboy is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Stableboy: Oh, no..! Somebody please.. help me! Nooo!! Somebody please get me off this thing!

[ back at the fence, we see Stableboy’s body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

[ show stock footage of Sheba jumping wildly ]

[ at the fence, Chet helps Stableboy to his feet ]

Chet: I told ya he’s mean! I told ya he’s mean!

Stableboy: What was I thinking, Chet! I’m just a stableboy! I coulda been killed, ain’t that right!

Chet: [ points ] Hey! Hey, look!

Stableboy: It’s that little Indian boy from the reservation, ain’t it?

Chet: Yeah! And he’s getting on that horse! Hey! Get away from there!

[ Little Indian Boy is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Little Indian Boy: Whoa! Whoa! Get me off of this thing, please! Please!

[ back at the fence, we see Little Indian Boy’s body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

Little Indian Boy: Me insane to get on horse like that! Me not even have that good rapport with animals in general!

[ Miss Parsons enters ]

Miss Parsons: What’s going on here?

Chet: It’s that horse! She won’t let us ride her!

Miss Parsons: [ grins ] Well, now, ain’t this a purty sight! Well, if there ain’t a man here that can break that nag, guessin’ I’m just gonna have to ride ‘er!

Chet: [ trembling ] I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Miss Parsons, I.. please, Miss Parsons..

[ Miss Parsons is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Miss Parsons: [ screaming ] Aaaaggghhhhh!! Get me off this thing! Get ‘er off of me!!

[ back at the fence, we see Miss Parsons’ body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

[ show stock footage of Sheba jumping wildly ]

[ at the fence, Miss Parsons is helped to her feet ]

Stableboy: Miss Parsons! Are you okay?!

Little Indian Boy: Me not think anybody able to tame that horse!

Chet: Maybe not anybody.. but what about anything? Look!

[ show second horse grazing in the grass next to a calm Sheba ]

Miss Parsons: Well, I’ll be! I guess we were just using the wrong approach!

Stableboy: Hey! They’re lovebirds, ain’t they! That’s what they are, lovebirds, ain’t they!

Little Indian Boy: [ points ] Look! Big Studly is trying mate with Wild Mare!

Miss Parsons: Look out!!

[ thrown by Sheba, Big Studly crashes on the gate in front of the group ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 21st, 1989

Kathleen Turner

Billy Joel

None

Christine Zander

Conan O’Brien

Joe Dicso
The Miracle Of Fatima ’89

Montage

Kathleen Turner’s Monologue

Plug AwayRecurring Characters: Harvey Fierstein, John Travolta, Lee Iacocca.

Die Squaren Ost Berliner

Donheiser

Billy Joel performs “We Didn’t Start The Fire”Also Performed: 77k, 93d

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: One man mobile uplink unit Al Franken broadcasts live from a NYC crackhouse. Phil Hartman delivers the George Steinbrenner Health Watch report. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary on the San Francisco earthquake.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal.

The EggmanTranscript

Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Man”Recurring Characters: Lank Thompson.

555-TOON

All About Deborah NorvilleRecurring Characters: Jane Pauley, Gene Shalit.

Billy Joel performs “Downeaster Alexa”

Average Blind Date

Maxwell HouseNote: Another props gaffe, as Jon Lovitz’s fake stomach comes loose as he dances.

Recurring Characters: Linda Ellerbee, Willard Scott.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 3

89c: Kathleen Turner / Billy Joel

The Egg Man

Clarise…..Kathleen Turner
Egg Man…..Phil Hartman
Jimmy…..Dana Carvey

[ Open on Clarise’s bedroom. She enters, closes the door, then removes the Egg Man from a secret hiding place and props him gently on top of a pillow on her bed. ]

Clarise: Uh.. I’m sorry, I just, um.. I just really needed to talk to you.

Egg Man: I thought we had an agreement, Clarise?

Clarise: Oh, I know! I know!

Egg Man: We agreed that we would have our talks when you were calm and we were alone. Now, Carl and Jimmy are home – I know. I heard you arguing – the timing is bad, very bad!

Clarise: Dammit! [ picks Egg Man up forcefully ] We always play by your rules!

Egg Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa —

Clarise: What about my needs?! I’m upset, and you want to cut off communication!

Egg Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa —

Clarise: I need you now!

Egg Man: Easy, easy, easy —

Clarise: You pompous bastard! [ throws Egg Man across the bed, where he lands facedown ]

Egg Man: [ muffled voice ]

Clarise: Oh, God! Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! [ gently picks the Egg-Man up and returns him to a face-up position ] I’m sorry, I know that was out of line, I know it.

Egg Man: [ sweating ] Alright.. alright.. easy does it.. Let’s bend the rules.. we’ll talk a little now – though you’re not altogether calm.

Clarise: Good. You see, Jimmy is being extremely difficult.

Egg Man: My point was simply that one tends to lose one’s reason when in a state of passion, that’s all.

Clarise: Shut up! Just shut up!!

Egg Man: Alright.. yes, you were saying?

Clarise: I was saying, my son is driving me up the wall.. he wants to go to this rock concert, one of those damn satanic groups, it’s scaring the hell out of me!

Egg Man: Uh-huh. And wht group is that?

Clarise: Motley Crue.

Egg Man: Motley Crue?

Clarise: Yes!

Egg Man: Okay.. okay. Motley Crue does worship the forces of evil. Go on.

Clarise: Well, it’s just that he’s changed so! All he does is wear black leather and all this eye make-up.. his bedroom is covered with pentagrams! He has this altar with this weird goathead shrine —

Egg Man: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Any evidence of chicken feathers, an animal sacrifice of any kind?

Clarise: Well, I’m not sure, I mean, he slams the door before I get a good look. You don’t think –?

Egg Man: — that Jimmy is in a satanic cult of heavy metal dope fiends? I don’t know. I do think that there’s reason for concern.

[ Jimmy knocks at the door ]

Jimmy: Mom!!

Egg Man: [ alarmed ] Okay, okay.. put me away for now.. [ Clarise stands up to answer the door ] No, no, no, no, no..

Clarise: What is it now, dammit?!

Jimmy: [ standing at the door, wearing black leather and evil eye make-up ] Okay, like, I’m going to the concert, alright!

Clarise: Over my dead body!

Jimmy: Oh, don’t tempt me, man! Don’t tempt me! You don’t understand, because it’s our music, alright!

Clarise: Who is this “we”? What is this “our”? What are you referring to?!

Jimmy: As in “us”, and not “you”! Look, just give me the money, man, I’m going! [ enters room, notices Egg Man on the pillow ] Wha – what’s that thing?

Clarise: [ worried ] Oh, it’s nothing, it’s nothing.. it’s just a leftover Easter egg.. I – I —

Jimmy: Hey! It’s a little egg dude!

Egg Man: Hello, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Who are you, man?

Egg Man: Well.. there’s no easy answer to that, Jimmy. All I can tell you is, I’m a friend. I came here to help your mother. She’s been feeling a lot of frustration in her life of late. Much of it has to do with your father, his drinking, his cutting off of his feelings and affection. She feels estranged from you, as well. My existence fulfills her need for a still, small voice, a voice of reason and compassion. Do you understand?

Jimmy: [ solemn ] Yeah.. I get it.. [ picks up Egg Man, tosses him in the air and catches him repeatedly ]

Egg Man: Easy! Whoa.. no, no, no!

Jimmy: [ throws Egg Man against the wall, splattering him everywhere ]

Clarise: [ screams, hugging Egg Man’s remains on the wall ]

Jimmy: [ ransacks her purse for money ] Alright, so just keep the money coming, and just maybe I won’t tell Dad about your little egg friend! [ hisses ]

Clarise: [ cries as she hugs the wall ]

Announcer: Tune in next time, for another episode of “Egg Man.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 28th, 1989

James Woods

Don Henley

None

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Lorne Michaels

Bonnie Turner

Terry Turner
The Tonight Show with Johnny CarsonRecurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Nancy Reagan.

Montage

James Woods’ Monologue

Yard-a-pult

AIDS-Aware Dracula

Primetime LiveRecurring Characters: Sam Donaldson, Diane Sawyer.

Don Henley performs “The Last Worthless Evening”Also Performed: 00o.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Victoria Jackson reports from Costa Rica. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary. Dennis Miller (Dana Carvey).

Recurring Characters: Dennis Miller.

Sky’s The Limit

“Falling In Love”

Don Henley performs “The Boys of Summer”

Three Dudes Holistic Automotive

Helmsley Spook HouseNote: Repeat from 11/08/86.

Halloween GreetingsSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) recite “The Raven.”

Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 11th, 1989

Chris Evert

Eurythmics

None

Lorne Michaels

Jeff Renaudo
Wimbledon LossRecurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth.

Montage

Chris Evert’s Monologue

Colon BlowTranscript

Bush at The Berlin WallRecurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Evert vs. NavratilovaNote: The newspaper montage features the theme music used for Saturday Night News (formerly Weekend Update and SNL Newsbreak) from 1982-84.

Recurring Characters: Martina Navratilova.

Bette Davis’ Videotape WillNote: That’s actually Jan Hooks making all the fast-forward sound effects of the VCR as she performs the “videotaped” will offstage. There’s one moment where she’s still performing the effects even though the tape is no longer fast-forwarding.

Recurring Characters: Bette Davis.

Eurythmics perform “Angel”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Kevin Nealon reviews X-rated movies. Annoying Man (Jon Lovitz) bothers Dennis Miller.

Recurring Characters: Annoying Man.

Lothar Of The Hill PeopleRecurring Characters: Lothar, Tyler, Org.

“Draw the Line”

Lyle, The Effeminate HeterosexualRecurring Characters: Lyle Billup, Mrs. Billup.

Transcript

Eurythmics perform “Baby’s Gonna Cry”

Passages

The Nude House of Wacky PeopleRecurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 5

89e: Chris Evert / Eurythmics

Bush At The Berlin Wall

President Bush…..Dana Carvey

[display: image of seal of the president]

Announcer: We interrupt this program for a special address from the president of the United States.

[ cut to President Bush, with the Berlin Wall and onlookers in the background ]

President Bush: Good evening, should I say “guten morgen.” Almost dawn here in Berlin. People behind me doin’ that freedom thing, dancin’, standin’ around up there talkin’ to each other. Party on you freedom fighters. Some standin’ on top of the wall, some standin’ on the ground, some wanting to get up on the wall; not enough room. Guy up there with a pick axe doin’ that thing goin’ up and down, goin’ round and round up there, breaking that wall that separated a people. Not any more. Many presidents tried to get that wall down, unsuccessful! Unsuccessful! And of course 3 months ago I had an idea, made a little speech.. [ takes out a paper from his pocket ] ..and I quote the Washington Post, July 18, 1989, right here: “‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall,’ said Bush.” [ wheezing laugh ] Does that make me a great president, am I an Abe Lincoln up here? [ laughs again, puts the paper away ]

Too early to tell, not enough information, wouldn’t be prudent. But the facts remain: before Bush, wall; with Bush, no wall! Kinda makes you wonder what else I could achieve. Many issues lie ahead. Reunification of Germany, that big country comin’ together like it does. Scary. Sure they are frightening people, got that track record of theirs. Sword of Siegfried comin’ at ya. But this time, unification under democracy. Chancellor Helmut Kohl, good friend of mine, worked closely with him, Barr and I broke bread with the man. Not a Hitler; Hitler was bad! Bad! Kohl: good! Egon Krenz: don’t know ’em!

So to sum up: Krenz: don’t know him; Hitler: bad! Kohl: good! Dan Quayle: still gaining acceptance. The wall: comin’ down. Me: enthusiastic but prudent. Out in front of the situation, not too far, playin’ it just right. Before Bush, wall; with Bush, wall obliterated! Place in history secure [ awkward pause ] Bye!

[ cut to presidential seal ]

Announcer: This has been the president of the United States.

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 5

89e: Chris Evert / Eurythmics

Colon Blow

Man…..Phil Hartman

[ fade in on a man at a table, eating oat bran cereal from a bowl ]

Announcer: Hold it! Is that what you’re havingfor breakfast?

Man: Sure, haven’t you heard? Fiber is really good for you.

Announcer: Well, there’s fiber, and then there’s high fiber. Try this.

[ offstage hands replace cereal box with Colon Blow cereal box ]

Man: Hmm.. Colon Blow. Sounds delicious. But is it really higher in fiber than my oat bran cereal?

Announcer: Take a guess: How many bowls of your oat bran cereal would it take to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Colon Blow?

Man: Two?

Announcer: Guess again.

Man: Three?

Announcer: A little higher.

Man: Four?

Announcer: Keep trying.

Man: Five?

Announcer: No, you’ll have to do better than that.

Man: Seven?

Announcer: Guess again.

Man: Eight?

Announcer: We’ll give you one more guess.

Man: Nine.

Announcer: Not even close. [ table starts shaking ] It would take over 30,000 bowls. [ a giant pyramid of cereal bowls shoots up from under the man, who yells in terror as it rises ] To eat that much oat bran, you’d have to eat ten bowls a day, every day for eight and a half years.

Man: [ after the pyramid settles; shouts from afar ] Wow! I think I get the picture! Colon Blow must be the highest fiber cereal on the market!

Announcer: Not any more, now that there’s new Super Colon Blow.

Man: Super Colon Blow?

[ pyramid rises even higher with the man screaming ]

Announcer: It would take over two and a half million bowls of your oat bran cereal to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Super Colon Blow.

[ pyramid settles ]

Man: [ overwhelmed ]I’m convinced! [ looks down the pyramid in panic ]

[ cut to close-up of bowl with Colon Blow and Super Colon Blow boxes ]

Jingle: “Colon Blow and you-u-u-u in the morning”

Announcer: Colon Blow and new Super Colon Blow.

Voiceover: Warning: may cause abdominal distention. Consult a physician.

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

John Belushi Tribute

…..Jim Belushi
…..Dan Aykroyd

Jim Belushi: Hi, I’m Jim Belushi, John’s little brother.

Dan Aykroyd: And I’m Dan Aykroyd, John’s other little brother.

Jim Belushi: You know, a lot of things have been written about this show and the people on it.

Dan Aykroyd: Most of themn laid down by unfeeling, unqualified personnel.

Jim Belushi: The fact is, with John, his work speaks for itself. Bigger and louder than words written by these transitory specks.

Dan Aykroyd: And the fact is, that those who here know and will always know. Those who weren’t here will never know and will be forgotten.

Jim Belushi: Here’s John, 1975 to ’79. Mom, this one’s for you.

Dan Aykroyd: Agnes, we love you!

Jim Belushi: Rewind it!

SNL Transcripts

Bruce Willis

…..Bruce Willis

Bruce Willis: Hi, I’m Bruce Willis. I, uh.. I wanted to see what this feels like, to be out here and not have anything funny to say at all. I’m gonna be doing this show next week, and, at this time, we do not have anything funny for me to say. We used up a lot of it on this show tonight. But I will be hosting the show next weekend, and I just want to remind all the writers and the people who work on this show, there’s a wonderful party going on later, but uh.. six days from now, we do this show again. Nothing is written, so enjoy the party, but for God’s sakes, try to get home at a reasonable hour, I’ll be here bright and shiny tomorrow morning ready to go to work and looking for many, many funny things to say. Good night, thank you for coming and dressing so well.

SNL Transcripts