Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Elvis Presley’s Coat

Black Woman…..Yvonne Hudson

[ Music Open: “Love Me Tender” ]

Announcer: The New Jersey Civic Colisseum is proud to present… appearing live for a limited engagement… Elvis Presley’s Coat!

[ music segues to “Hound Dog” ]

Announcer: Hear the hits of the King, and see the Coat that made him famous.

[ flash shots of the Coat performing “Jailhouse Rock” to a packed crowd ]

Group of Girls: [ being interviewed outside ] It’s sexy! It’s very sexy!

[ Coat shakes while performing “All Shook Up” ]

Old Woman: It’s simply mind-boggling!

Hippie: Uncanny.

Woman: It’s visual.

Man: It was remarkable, I’m gonna have to bring the kids!

Announcer: Said one critic, “It was the closest thing to Elvis himself.”

[ wearing a lei, the Coat performs “Blue Hawaii” ]

Old Man: Wow! The lights!

Second Woman: The sound.

Second Man: I think I’ve seen all of the imitation Coat shows.. but they don’t compare to the real thing.

Announcer: The King may be dead, but the Coat lives on. Engagement begins Tuesday, November 7th.

[ SUPER: “BEGINS TUESDAY, NOV. 7th
New Jersey Civic Coliseum
Tickets Available at Box Office” ]

Black Woman: It’s a trip! You really have to see it.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: 1978-1979




The Complete Fourth Season on DVD

Starring:

Dan Aykroyd

John Belushi

Jane Curtin

Garrett Morris

Bill Murray

Laraine Newman

Episodes

10/07/78: The Rolling Stones

10/14/78: Fred Willard / Devo

10/21/78: Frank Zappa

11/04/78: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

11/11/78: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

11/18/78: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers

12/02/78: Walter Matthau / (none)

12/09/78: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

12/16/78: Elliott Gould / Peter Tosh

01/27/79: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

02/10/79: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

02/17/79: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

02/24/79: Kate Jackson / Delbert McClinton

03/10/79: Gary Busey / Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines

03/17/79: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

04/07/79: Richard Benjamin / Rickie Lee Jones

04/14/79: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

05/12/79: Michael Palin / James Taylor

05/19/79: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow

Summary   Here’s a season that decided to go over the top and push the boundaries of good taste as much as possible. In one season alone, the writers and performers of “Saturday Night Live” made fun of child molesting, people with big butts, a bleeding Julia Child, nuclear meltdowns, and the pondering of Superman as a Nazi.

   On the lighter side, making his debut this season is “SNL” writer DonNovello’s alter ego: Vatican reporter Father Guido Sarducci, who frequents the “Weekend Update” set with humorous anecdotes about news on the religious front. Whether it be his thoughts on the Papal Election, or an analysis of the bill for the Last Supper, Father Sarducci always manages to get the audience to laugh at religion. Not to mention, providing yet another opportunity for critics to hate the show.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1


]]>



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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


October 7th, 1978

The Rolling Stones

The Rolling Stones

None

Howard Shore

Cheryl Hardwick

Ed Koch

Carrie Fisher

Don Novello

Anne Beatts

Rosie Shuster

Brian Doyle-Murray

Mitchell Laurance

Tom Davis
Howard Shore and his SoundsSummary: Garrett Morris, girl singers (Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner), and Howard Shore and his Sounds perform the song “I Love You”, about the NBC chimes.

Transcript

Montage

Mayor Koch Honors John BelushiSummary: Mayor Ed Koch honors “Animal House” star John Belushi with a City of New York Certificate of Merit.

Transcript

AutoscentSummary: Joan (Jane Curtin) invites Pat (Gilda Radner) to sniff her new internal combustion deodorizer.

Transcript

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) interviews Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger and tries to mimick his performance style.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

The Nerds and The NorgeSummary: As Todd (Bill Murray) vies to become the new Chess Club President, Lisa (Gilda Radner) and Mrs. Loopner (Joan Curtin) hire a low-pants wearing repairman (Dan Aykroyd) to salvage their old Norge.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner.

Transcript

Olympia CafeSummary: Pete’s (John Belushi) journey to Greece to collect an inheritance is a bust, and the sight of a revamped cafe in his absence further outrages his broken soul.

Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray takes Jane Curtin’s side during a Point-Counterpoint debate on the ERA ratification. Roseanne Roseannadanna’s commentary on Studio 54 meanders into her disgust over a blister on Mr. Halston’s foot.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

The Rolling Stones perform “Beast of Burdon”, “Respectable”, “Shattered”

Sushi By The Pool

Reuniting The BeatlesRecurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, John Lennon, Paul McCartney.

Transcript

Network Battle of the T’s & A’sTranscript

Danger ProbeRecurring Characters: Dave Mable.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Autoscent

Pat…..Gilda Radner
Joan…..Jane Curtin

Pat: [ sees Joan drive up ] Hi, Joan!

Joan: [ getting out of her car ] Oh, hi, Pat!

Pat: I just thought I’d drop by today to see the color of the handtowels you’re using in the spare bathroom.

Joan: Oh, sure. Come on in.

Pat: [ sniffing ] Hmm.. something sure smells like lilac. Are youwearing a new perfume?

Joan: Thanks, Pat! But it’s not me – it’s my car.

Pat: Your car smells that good?

Joan: Sure.. [ reaches into her shopping bag ] ..with AutoScent, theinternal combustion deodorizer.

Pat: [ reads the bottle ] AutoScent exhaust freshener.. [ happy ]Lilac! How does it work?

Joan: Oh, it’s so easy – here, let me show you. [ opens herhood ] All you do is pump AutoScent into the carborator every 800 miles, orwhenever you want to change the scent.

Pat: Joan, you never told me you knew anything about carborators.

Joan: Oh, sure.. I can tear down a car in nothing flat! But you don’thave to do that to use AutoScent! [ sprays AutoScent into the carborator ]My exhaust has been smelling like lilacs all week, but today I want it tosmell like a pine forest. Go ahead – smell the tailpipe.

Pat: [ kneels down to smell at the rear of the car as Joan pressesthe exhaust pedal, releasing toxic smoke in the air ] Mmm! It reallyworks!

Announcer: AutoScent – the automobile exhaust freshener. In fourexciting fragrances – Lilac, Lemon-Lime, Pine Forest, and Musk. Anenvironmentally-safe pump spray.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Reuniting The Beatles

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
John Lennon…..John Belushi
Paul McCartney…..Bill Murray

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Walter Cronkite V/O: And now we take you to the White House, where President Carter has a surprise announcement.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good evening. The success of the Camp David summit two weeks ago is a great accomplishment for the entire world, as well as for myself. After I looked at those polls, I said to myself, “Jimmy… why don’t you just keep doing what you do best — bringing people with seemingly irreconcilable differences together, and making them see that there is a common ground on which to base agreement?” For the last thirteen days, unbeknownst to the press, I’ve been meeting secretly at Camp David with Mr. John Lennon and Mr. Paul McCartney.

[ reveal Lennon and McCartney in a wide shot ]

The success of our talks far exceeded our expectations. And I’m happy to announce that we’ve agreed to sign a document called “A Framework for the Reunion of The Beatles”.

[ cut to stock footage of a crowd applauding ]

Now… there still are some disagreements. A lot depends on the availablity of George and Ringo to join in the negotiations, but… Secretary Vance will leave tomorrow for London to meet with George, and… we feel confident that Ringo will do anything. If everything goes well, The Beatles will launch a 30-city tour of the United States sometime, hopefully, before November 1980. Plus: The Beatles will release an original long-play record album, which I’m proud to predict will be shipped double-platinum.

Allow me now to read some of the key terms of the framework:

* Richard “Ringo” Starkey will play percussion, drums at all Beatle concerts, however, in the recording studio, Mr. Starkey’s performance may or may not be required on certain selections at the discretion of Mr. Paul McCartney.

* George Harrison will be limited to one song per album, considering matters pertaining to the Indian subcontinent.

* Yoko Ono will not sing, hum, scream, hum, talk, or make any vocal sounds on any Beatle album or during any live Beatle performance.

[ applause from the crowd ]

* Linda Eastman McCartney will not sing, hum, scream, murmer, talk, or play a tambourine on any Beatle album or during any live Beatle performance.

[ applause from the crowd ]

These two men, my friends, each made painful concessions in the spirit of compromise. [ he holds both their hands ] But if it hadn’t been for may people, working behind the scenes, we wouldn’t be here tonight. And I especially want to thank Secretary Simon Vance and Smokey Robinson. I guess you could say it was a long and winding road… but, as I said to Paul and John as we flew here from Camp David, “I think that we proved that, in the end, as someone once said, ‘The love you take is equal to the love you make.'”

[ applause from the crowd ]

Paul McCartney: Let me say this about my friend President Carter: this man has great, great courage, and he worked night and day and so did we. We usually didn’t get to bed until three or four in the morning, and then we’d get up again around three or four in the afternoon. The President was already up and working!

John Lennon: That’s right. As you know, Paul and I have our disagreements, but we’ve promised President Carter that we would write our first new song together in about three months. Paul, I hope we do it longer than three months — I mean, sooner than three months. Sorry, Paul.

[ Lennon and McCartney stand up and hug, as “The End” plays in the background and President Carter beams proudly ]

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Goodnights

…..Mayor Ed Koch

Mayor Ed Koch: Good night, and thank you.

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Fred Willard, with musical guest Devo. This is Don Pardo. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

The NBC Theme

Announcer…..Dan Aykroyd
Conductor…..Howard Shore
Pianist…..Paul Shaffer
Garrett Morris, Vocal Stylist…..Garrett Morris
1st Girl Singer…..Laraine Newman
2nd Girl Singer…..Jane Curtin
3rd Girl Singer…..Gilda Radner

[BLACK SCREEN as the NBC chimes ring out their famousthree notes.]

Announcer’s Voice: It’s exactly eleven-thirty BulovaWatch time.

[Lights come up to reveal bespectacled 1930s-era radioannouncer standing in front of an ancient NBC radiomicrophone, with one hand to his ear and the otherclutching a yellow sheet of paper from which hereads:]

Announcer: And now from Studio 8-H in New York’s famedRockefeller Center, the Red network joins the Blue tobring you Howard Shore and the National BroadcastingOrchestra, featuring the vocal stylings of Mr. GarrettMorris.

[Howard Shore, fronting a big band, conducts as axylophonist plays the NBC notes on her instrument.Paul Shaffer answers in kind at a white grand piano.Everyone wears tuxedoes and evening gowns. A large ArtDeco sign behind them reads: HOWARD SHORE AND HISSOUNDS. As the rest of the band joins in, GarrettMorris steps to the microphone, which the Announcerthoughtfully adjusts for him, and begins to sing –with dapper, yet passionate elegance — an obscuresong written sometime in the 1930s, “I Love You”:]

Garrett Morris: [sings the verse]
On the NBC tonight, you’ll hear three tones ring outThey have a special meaning so here’s what it’s allabout…

[A trio of what used to be called “girl singers”(Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner) rise fromchairs in front of the piano and approach an adjacentmicrophone to join in on the opening line of thechorus:]

1st Girl Singer: I…

2nd Girl Singer: … love …

3rd Girl Singer: … you …

Garrett Morris: Three little tones have just had theirsay.

1st Girl Singer: I…

2nd Girl Singer: … love …

3rd Girl Singer: … you …

[The girl singers sit back down as Garrett sings therest of the chorus himself.]

Garrett Morris:
“Funny but, honey, that’s what they say.
Chimes have rung,
The program’s done
My love song has just begun!

Listen, dear,
Can’t you hear?”

[The trio rises and joins in on the last line of thechorus:]

All Singers: I love you!

[As the performers begin another half-chorus of thesong, the trio takes over:]

Girl Singers:
“Turn the dial of your heart.
Tune into our station.
Though we may be miles apart …”

[The trio simultaneously shoot a glance at Garret andthe camera pans over to him as he picks up the lyric:]

Garrett Morris:
“… Your radio
Tells you I know.
Listen, dear,
Can’t you hear?”

All Singers: I love you!

[The xylophonist plays the three notes one last timeas the band brings the song to a finish. The singerssit as the audience applauds. The announcer strides tothe microphone, places his hand to his ear and, with agrin, says calmly:]

Announcer: And now, live from New York, it’s SaturdayNight.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Mayor Koch Honors John Belushi

…..Ed Koch
…..John Belushi

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of the cityof New York — Ed Koch!

Mayor Ed Koch: [Applause continues as Koch, in a suit andtie, enters and walks to center stage. He basks in theapplause until the music ends, then stretches his armsand says:] How’m I doin’?! [Applause. Cheers.] I’mdelighted to be here to, uh, welcome Saturday NightLive back to New York. This is the fourth season andwe want them to know how grateful we are that they’rehere in this great city. [Applause.] I’m on this showfor, really, two reasons. One is to speak to thenation. We here in New York want to tell those of youin other states how much we appreciate what you didfor us when we were down and out and needed your help– and you came through! We want to say to all ofthose of you out there: Thanks for the loan — youwon’t be sorry! [Applause. Cheers.] New York City is agreat place in which to live. We’re very lucky thoseof us who are here, but this city belongs to everybodyand we are going through a great renaissance. SaturdayNight is one reason for this renaissance — aninsignificant reason, but a reason nevertheless. Thepeople on this show, they could have chosen to goelsewhere but they came here, to New York City insteadof Pittsburgh, Denver, Newark… Some could probablyeven get work in Hollywood, which brings me to thesecond, and main, reason why I’m here tonight and thatis to officially honor a member of the Saturday Nightcast. He’s appeared off-Broadway here in New York andhe’s gone on to be one of the stars of this show andmost recently distinguished himself in the field ofmotion pictures. A great New Yorker — John Belushi![Applause. Cheers. Wearing sneakers, jeans, a suitcoat and tie, Belushi enters and joins Ed Koch. Theyshake hands.] John, your current film, Animal House,is, uh, breaking box office records in New York andacross the country and, as a resident of our city,you’ve helped to make it the vital, creative centerthat it is now. And on behalf of myself and the peopleof the city of New York, I’d like to present you witha City of New York Certificate of Merit. [Koch pullscertificate from inside jacket pocket, unfolds it, andpresents it to Belushi who takes it. Koch and theaudience applaud as Belushi looks it over.]

John Belushi: [tries not to show his disappointment]Thank you, uh, Mayor Koch. Uh… Uh, this is a greathonor. It’s, uh, a very nice Certificate of Merit,uh… I could, uh, put it on my wall. It’ll–[suddenly, in disbelief] Mr. Mayor, is this it? Thispiece of paper here? I mean, isn’t there a key to thecity of something? You know, I mean– Dolly Parton gota key to the city, remember?

Mayor Ed Koch: John, the key to the city is a different kindof honor.

John Belushi: Yeah, it’s a BIGGER honor. You know? Imean, uh… I lived here for six years, you know? Ablonde with a rack rolls in from Nashville and yougive her the key to the city. She’s lives in L.A. in atrailer! Was SHE in a movie? I mean, Animal House hasmade sixty million dollars, you know? [Applause.Cheers.] Sixty million dollars, you know? Does NewYork have SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS?! Sixty milliondollars for … Universal Studios! That’s right! Andyou know what I got out of it?! Nine hundred bucks!

Mayor Ed Koch: John, I’m just here to congratulate you…

John Belushi: Hold it, Ed! You know, I didn’t even geta, a, a point from the film. You know? I didn’t get apercentage of the profits! I got ZIP! Do you thinkthat’s fair?!

Mayor Ed Koch: No. And if it were up to me, you’d get apercentage.

John Belushi: Percentage of what? New York City? Comeon! What’s THAT worth? All you come up with is aCertificate of Merit! I got one of these in gradeschool! [crumples certificate and throws it on thefloor] I don’t need this!

Mayor Ed Koch: John, uh, fortunately, I just happen to haveanother Certificate of Merit. [pulls out another pieceof paper and offers it to Belushi]

John Belushi: Not now, Koch! You know, I didn’t haveto come back here. You know, I could’ve stayed inHollywood, you know, everyone told me, “Stay and makemovies! You know? You don’t have to go back there,where ya have to clean up after your own dog!” Youknow? And making films is so much easier. You know,they say, uh, “Are you ready, John?” Uh … “No, I’mnot ready right now.” “Okay. Uh, ten minutes?” I said,”Okay, maybe ten minutes.” “Would you like some moreiced tea, John?” “Yeah, okay, I’ll have some iced tea.Yeah, I’ll be ready in a second.” You know?! I couldhave stayed in Hollywood, taken all those big offers,had a house on Mulholland Drive, but nooooooooooooooo![Applause.] I gotta stay here, come back to New YorkCity, and work for these late night TV wages! Fourhundred and fifty bucks A SHOW! That’s how much weget! You know how much they get on Laverne andShirley?! Lenny and Squiggy get five grand a show!

Mayor Ed Koch: John! I wish you would just accept thecertificate.

John Belushi: [calmer] Okay. I’m sorry, Mayor. I’llaccept your thing here. [takes paper and carelesslystuffs it in his jacket pocket] Uh, look, uh, I-I-I’msorry, you know, I mean, this isn’t the place to talkabout how Universal screwed me. You know? So… It’sjust that I live here, I pay taxes, you know, Isweated out the Beame years, you know. [TRANSCRIBER’SNOTE: Abe Beame was mayor before Koch] I’m, uh, I’mnot saying that I’m the-the greatest actor, you know,uh, in the world. Or that Anima-Animal House is thegreatest film in the world but, you know, it’s a goodfilm. Very good film. [straightens his tie] I do somevery cute things in that movie. You know, like, uh,the thing with the Jell-O in the cafeteria line,remember that? Huh?

Mayor Ed Koch: I’m afraid I don’t, John.

John Belushi: Well, it was just before the mashedpotato thing. You remember that? Huh?

Mayor Ed Koch: No, John. Regrettably, I haven’t seen theflick.

John Belushi: [upset again] You HAVEN’T seen themovie?! [gestures to the pocket with his certificate]You give me this?! Are you kidding?!

Mayor Ed Koch: I’ve been very busy.

John Belushi: [pauses, suddenly reasonable] Look, doyou know where the Waverly Theater is?

Mayor Ed Koch: Sure I do. It’s six blocks from my house.

John Belushi: They’ve got a midnight show. [puts handon Koch’s shoulder] Did you have a hat or a coat orsomething?

Mayor Ed Koch: Coat.

John Belushi: Could somebody get the Mayor’s coat?![starts leading Koch away] Look, we’ll go downtown nowand catch it — it’s a good movie, you know? We’lltake a cab or something.

Mayor Ed Koch: Uh, bus, but I’d rather stay here.

John Belushi: We’ll take the bus. You wanna stay here?Well, we gotta take– see the movie. [to the camera]We’ll be right back! [Applause as Belushi and Kochexit.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Nerds Prom Night

Mrs. Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd…..Bill Murray
Mr. DiLaBounta…..Buck Henry

[ open on Lisa Loopner playing “Heart and Soul” on the piano, as Mrs. Loopner enters ]

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, Lisa, you look so lovely.

Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom.

Mrs. Loopner: Now, before Todd gets here to take you to the Prom, I thought we’d take a moment to have a little heart-to-heart. You know, just mother to daughter.

Lisa Loopner: Okee-dokee.

[ they sit on the couch ]

Mrs. Loopner: Lisa, you’ve blossomed into quite a beauty. You know, sometimes when we go to the Shop-Rite, I see the checkers staring at you..

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom, that’s just your imagination!

Mrs. Loopner: No, Lisa. You’re not a little girl anymore, and you have to be aware of the effect you have on the male of the species. Now, take Todd, for instance. When that perfectly nice young man sets his eyes on you in that get-up, his hormones are gonna go berserk.

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mo-o-o-om, I don’t like Todd in that way!

Mrs. Loopner: Well, you don’t have to like someone to love them, Lisa. Your father.. the late Mr. Loopner..

Together: God rest his soul..

Mrs. Loopner: ..your father and I never liked each other. But our love triumphed over our mutual dislike – I did my wifely duty, and you’re the living proof of that!

Lisa Loopner: Mom, you don’t have to worry about me going all the way with Todd. I’m saving myself for my one true love – Marvin Hamlisch.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, he’s cute. Now, listen, what I’m about to say is very hard for me to say. Lisa, dear.. making a baby is like.. it’s um.. it’s like making egg salad. You, the woman, produce the eggs, and the man furnishes the mayonnaisse – of course, you don’t need chopped celery for.. oh, I’ve just given you my egg salad recipe, and I was saving that for your 21st birthday..

Lisa Loopner: Mom, I know the facts of life! You know, I got an A in Health! [ doorbell rings ] Oh! It’s him!

Mrs. Loopner: [ checks her watch ] Well, half an hour early – on the button. That’s our Todd!

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Don’t let him in until I get upstairs!

Mrs. Loopner: Okay.

[ Lisa runs upstairs, as Mrs. Loopner answers the door to let Todd and Mr. DilaMuca inside ]

Todd: Heh-lo, Mrs. Loop-ner. You’ve met my chauffeur – Marshall “Dad” DiLaBounta.

Mrs. Loopner: Hello, Marshall!

Mr. DiLaBounta: Always a pleasure, Enid!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, don’t we look handsome, Todd!

Todd: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mr. DiLaBounta: [ striking a disco pose ] John Travolta, watch out! [ laughs ]

[ the three of them sit ]

Mr. DiLaBounta: So. Where’s the Belle of the Ball?

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, she’s upstairs making herself beautiful!

[ Lisa enters ]

Mr. DiLaBounta: Va-va-va-boom!

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Di-La-Bounta!

Todd: Well, since we seem to be handing out compliments.. that’s a stunning housecoat you’re wearing, Mrs. Loopner.

Mrs. Loopner: Why, thank you, Todd!

Mr. DiLaBounta: It’s not hard to see where Lisa gets her good looks!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, flattery will get you everywhere, but don’t let my daughter here you say that! Can I get anyone a beverage? Marshall, would you come out and help me?

Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, sure.. let’s us old fogies leave the young folks alone!

[ they both laugh as they retreat to the kitchen. Todd and Lisa sit on the couch. ]

Todd: Well.. you look nice, I guess..

Lisa Loopner: So do you.

Todd: Here. I got you this. [ hands her a box ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, thanks, Todd. [ opens box ] Oh, this is really beautiful, Todd!

Todd: It’s a wrist corsage. You put it on your wrist. And this is your graduation gift from me. [ hands her a small package ]

Lisa Loopner: Really? [ opens gift, sending springy snakes shooting out – she screams ]

Todd: Aaagghhh!! Noogie Patrol! [ pulls Lisa over and pounds noogies into her head ] Here’s those special Prom Noogies that you ordered! You sent away for those, didn’t you?

Lisa Loopner: Quit it, Pizza Face! You’re messing up my hair! Boy, are you ever immature!

Todd: Say, uh, are they any new developments? [ peeks down her blouse ] No, I guess not! Say, you oughtta really put some band-aids on those mosquito bites you got there!

Lisa Loopner: That’s so funny, I forgot to laugh!

[ Mr. DiLaBounta and Mrs. Loopner re-enter with some glasses of Tang ]

Lisa Loopner: You know, Marshall, as a single parent, I’ve had to be both a mother and father to Lisa.

Todd: You’ve done a terrific job, Mrs. Loopner.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, thank you, Todd!

Mr. DiLaBounta: Uh, Enid.. I hope this isn’t indelicate, but.. [ picks his nose ] ..how did Mr. Loopner pass away?

Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. he was born without a spine. It was always just a matter of time.

Mr. DiLaBounta: What did he do for a living?

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, didn’t you know? He invented the Slinky.

Lisa Loopner: Yeah.. unfortunately, he didn’t call it the Slinky, and he didn’t patent it. But he sued the Slinky people for $5 million.. and lost.

[ they laugh ]

Todd: Good Tang!

Mr. DiLaBounta: Prom Night! Prom Night! I envy you kids. I know I’ll never forget my Senior Prom. The theme was “From Here To Fraternity”. [ laughs ]

Todd: Ours is “Close Encounters of the Prom Kind.”

Mr. DiLaBounta: Oh, hey, kids, how about a picture? [ takes out his camera ] As Todd knows, I’m something of a shutterbug.

[ Todd and Lisa stand up for the picture, Todd holding bunny ears behind Lisa’s head as the picture is snapped ]

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, I saw that, Todd! 40 lashes with a wet noodle! [ laughs, checks watch ] Oh, I don’t want my little girl to turn into a pumpkin even before she’s gotten to the ball.

Mr. DiLaBounta: That’s why I’m here! Have car, will travel!

Todd: To the Prom, to the Prom, Prom, Prom!

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Mom.. gee, I wish you’d come with us.

Mr. DiLaBounta: Sure! Come on with us!

Mrs. Loopner: Oh.. well, I would love to sneak a peek at those Prom decorations you kids worked so hard on.. [ takes out two hairwraps ] Well, I know it’s not raining, Lisa, but better safe than sorry.. [ Lisa takes one and puts it on ]

Lisa Loopner: Okay, let’s go! [ singing ] “Staying alive! Staying alive!” I want to sit in the front seat!

Todd: No, you’re sitting in the back!

[ Mrs. Loopner turns off the houselights, then closes the front door and heads for the car ]

[ pull out to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Joy Of Debauchery” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20

77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

Nixon’s Book

Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
Gerard Wagner…..Garrett Morris
Ron Quinn…..Brian Doyle Murray

[ Former President Richard Nixon addresses an audience ]

Richard Nixon: Good evening. Some of you know me – some of you may not. Anyway, from the years 1969 to 1974, I was President of the United States. Now, when I was President, I did some bad things.. that made people hate me. I left that executive office under scandalous circumstances, and went on to write a big book about it. But everybody hates me so much, they’re not buying the book. In fact, in Washington now, they have a lobby.. [ pulls out anti-Nixon T-shirt ] ..”Don’t Buy Books by Crooks”. Well.. when I lost the race for Governor of California in 1962, I recall the saying, “You won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore!” Well, that phrase caught on, and people seemed to like it. As things turned out, you don’thave Dick Nixon to kick around anymore. But now, you have my book! So, if you hate me, buy the book and kick it around! Yet, you don’t have to read it, although I originally wrote it to be read. Just buy it – give it a boot! Really! If you’re mad at me, kick the book around the house for an hour or two! Why, Pat’s already on her fourth copy! Now, here’s the book.. [ holds it up ] ..”RN”. That doesn’t stand for “Registered Nurse”! [ laughs ] $19.95. And that’s something they slipped by me – I thought the President would only get $12 or $14, but I got the first copy and there it was – $19.95. $19.95! The publisher sleazed it right by me. Anyway, buy the book. Now, think about how hard you’d kick me if we ever met, and just put the boots to ’em.

[ stands up ] Let me make this even more clear.. I’ve asked two members of my San Clemente, United States Marine Corp. Honor Guard to assist me. Chorusman Gerard Wagner.. [ points to Gerard ] ..Chorusman Ron Quinn.. [ points at Ron, then walks in front of the desk ] Do you think I’m a crook? Take it out on the book! [ kneels, placing book on tip of his extended foot ] Chorusmen! [ whistle blows ] Place kick, please! [ Gerard kicks the book into the audience ]

“Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

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