Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond talks about the electon mishaps. Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) declares martial law. Chris Kattan gives a terrible re-enactment of the Queen Mother’s injury. “Charlie’s Angels” (Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, Flockhart) fawn for Jimmy Fallon. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Janet Reno.
The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin (Chris Kattan) endures more grotesque animal bites.
Ricky Martin performs “Loaded”
Barflies Barflies (Flockhart, Rachel Dratch) make unflattering commentary about patrons.
Dan Rather Rather (Darrell Hammond) adapts election slang for NBA game reports.
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: December 16th, 2000 Lucy Liu Jay-Z None
Jay-Z, “I Just Wanna Love U”
Chi-Chi’s Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) & George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) meet for lunch. Recurring Characters: Al Gore, George W. Bush.
Lucy Liu’s Monologue Liu enjoyed a week full of Asian stereotypes from the crew.
priceline.com William Shatner (Darrell Hammond) affected by stock plunge.
Total Request Live Gemini’s Twin (Maya Rudolph, Ana Gasteyer) show off new member (Lui). Recurring Characters: Britannica, Jeanette.
Celebrity Jeopardy Connery (Darrell Hammond), Catherine Zeta-Jones (Lui), Robin Williams (Jimmy Fallon). Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery.
Pretty Living Joyologist Helen Madden (Molly Shannon) shows off new girlfriend. Recurring Characters: Helen Madden.
Jarrett’s Room Jarrett (Jimmy Fallon) & Goby (Horatio Sanz) host live webcast from dorm room. Recurring Characters: Jarrett, Goby, Daniel.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey James Madison’s (Rachel Dratch) commentary is sidetracked by modern marvels. Baby New Year’s (Chris Kattan) diaper is changed. Jimmy Fallon sings pop-inspired songs about Christmas presents.
Jay-Z performs “I Just Wanna Love U”
Christmas Ornaments Angel (Molly Shannon) and others long to be put on the family Christmas tree.
[ open on James Lipton staring out into the crowd stone-faced from behind his glass desk ]
James Lipton: If I had a choice between interviewing my next guest.. or getting in my homemade time machine, going back in time and interviewing William Shakespeare.. I would tell the Bard of Avon to go screw himself! For if a single frame from one of our guest’s movies were placed in an envelope.. wrapped in linen.. and sealed in a lead sarcophagus.. it would still be so powerful it could cure some form of malaria. Ladies and gentlemen.. please welcome.. Billy Bob Thornton.
[ Billy Bob Thornton enters the stage and sits in the chair across from James Lipton ]
James Lipton: William Robert Thornton. Welcome.
Billy Bob Thornton: Thank you. It’s nice to be here.
James Lipton: [ grabs a card from his stack, and reads ] My first question: Between your role as the whining husband in “Zombie Chicks in Chopper Town”.. your role as Dan Truman in “Armageddon”.. and Jonas Salk’s discovery of the polio vaccine.. which do you think was more important to the course of human history?
Billy Bob Thornton: [ laughs ] I think we all know the answer to that one!
James Lipton: Yes. We all do. Dan Truman, “Armageddon”. [ pause ] You grew up in Arkansas..
Billy Bob Thornton: Yeah.
James Lipton: When you were six, you skinned your knee playing tetherball with Roger Dale Kennedy.. when you were eleven, you bought a hat. When did you first realize you were a brilliant genius?
Billy Bob Thornton: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t really think of myself that way at all.
James Lipton: [ laughing uproariously ] When Jean Claude van Damme was on the show, he said acting is like a ferocious bag of hope with wide feet and thick, yellow fingernails. Would you say that is “une pa tette jous”? Or would you say “Te es pa ta je”?
Billy Bob Thornton: What are you talking about?!
James Lipton: [ guffaws ] Well played! Dear God, well played! [ composes himself ] When you played Dan Truman in “Armageddon”, did the feeling..?
Billy Bob Thornton: [ disturbed ] Why do you keep bringing up “Armageddon”?! I don’t understand that! I didn’t even want to be in that movie! Why do you keep bringing up movies like that! I’ve told you that before! Now you’re speaking in French and stuff, I don’t even understand you! What’s wrong with you!
James Lipton: Well played, yet again, good friend! [ guffaws ] Good friend!
[ cut to James Lipton watching the broadcast from a control studio, snacking on Pringles ]
James Lipton: That’s unbelievable! Look at the French between us!
Gladys: Mr. Lipton? This came for you.
James Lipton: Oh. Thank you, Gladys. [ laughs as he reads letter: “Lipton, You’re a dead man, Love, Billy Bob Thornton” ]
Jason: What is it?
James Lipton: It is a hilarious joke from my new friend Billy Bobby, in the form of a death threat. Well.. I’m off! [ stands ] Oh, uh.. Jason? Are you going to finish that sandwich?
Jason: No.
James Lipton: [ takes sandwich ] I’m off! [ exits the control booth ]
James Lipton: [ cut to overhead shot of James Lipton walking down a crowded street, as his cell phone rings ] Hello?
Billy Bob Thornton: Did you get my note?
James Lipton: Of course I did, Will Rob! And it was a delight!
Billy Bob Thornton: I’m serious, Lipton, you’re a dead man.
James Lipton: Excellent!
Billy Bob Thornton: You have got ten seconds to live! Do you understand me, you freak?!
[ Billy Bob hangs up the phone and loads his rifle ]
[ James Lipton stops at a hot dog vendor ]
James Lipton: Well played, indeed! Five hot dogs, my good man!
[ upstairs, Billy Bob points his rifle down towards Lipton ]
[ rifle scope hones in as Lipton receives his hot dogs below ]
James Lipton: Let the mustard flow like a yellow river of goodness!
[ the rifle is fired, as hot dogs fly everywhere. James Lipton screams and runs down the street. Annoyed that his shots missed, Billy Bob enters the street and chases after Lipton on foot. In an attempt to escape, Lipton runs in front of a taxi cab, and is hit and knocked to the ground. Satisfied, Billy Bob starts to walk away, then feels pity and turns to help Lipton in the street. ]
Billy Bob Thornton: Somebody call an ambulance! James?
James Lipton: [ coming to, glasses bent out of shape ] Billy Bob..?
Billy Bob Thornton: I’m really sorry, I just got carried away.. I’m truly sorry.. just stay here, stay with me, okay? Just hang on a minute, buddy. I’ll even answer the questions..
James Lipton: [ mumbles the questions in French ]
Billy Bob Thornton: Yeah, whatever, yeah.
James Lipton: What is your favorite curse word?
Billy Bob Thornton: I don’t know, man.. sonofa-
James Lipton: We’ll shoot it back at the studio, save it!
Billy Bob Thornton: The studio?
James Lipton: The studio! Yes, it will be glorious! If you will just help me..
[ dissolve back to James Lipton and Billy Bob Thornton in the studio. Lipton now wears a neck brace and a sling around his right arm, making it difficult for him to pick up one of the cards from his stack. ]
James Lipton: Could.. could you help me with me card..? [ Billy Bob reaches over to hand Lipton one of the cards ] “Armageddon”.. was filmed on location in Montana..
Roger Clarvin…..Will Ferrell Virginia Clarvin…..Rachel Dratch Dave…..Jimmy Fallon Barbara Hernandez…..Drew Barrymore
[Camera pans down to Dave in a hot tub with Roger and Virginia Clarvin]
Virginia: Excuse me. Excuse me.
Dave: What? Y-yes?
Roger: We were wondering. Is this your first time at the Welshly Arms Hotel?
Dave: Yeah.
Virginia: Mmm. And-and are you here without a lov-ah?
Dave: Well I am by myself. I’m just staying here on business.
Roger: We frequent the Welshly Arms.
Virginia: Yes.
Roger: We find it a perfect, quaint lov-ah’s getaway. [starts petting Virginia’s face]
Virginia: Yes. Oh, forgive me. We are professors Roger and Virginia Clarvin.
[Roger and Virginia extend arms to Dave]
Roger: And your name?
Dave: Uh, Dave. [extends arm and shakes Roger’s hand]
Roger and Virginia: Ah. Mmm.
Roger: Dave, may I share something with you?
Dave: I guess. I’m really just trying to –
Roger: I find when one first enters the scalding waters of the ha-tub, it is not unlike your first encounter with a new lover.
Virginia: I remember the first time Roger and I made love…
Roger: Yes.
Virginia: Yes, we had pulled over after a long Sunday drive. Roger led me to a clearing, laid me down upon a bed of fresh meadow grasses.
Roger: Yes. [starts petting Virginia while she’s talking]
Virginia: He then rubbed my nubile body with fruit linaments and noxema. Then he artfully covered my back with melted butter and cloves. [Roger begins licking her fingers]. And until the flies and ants came, methinks it was the finest love-making that the world have ever known.
[while Roger and Virginia moan, Dave lays back and starts twitching]
Roger: Are you listening, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, I’m just tired, that’s all.
[Barbara Hernandez appears; Roger and Virginia moan some more]
Barbara: Is that the professors Virginia and Roger Clarvin.
Roger and Virginia: Oh, what a surprise!
Virginia: It’s our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez.
Roger: Barbara, what brings you to the prestigious Welshly Arms?
[Jimmy Fallon starts cracking up]
Barbara: The usual: quiet strolls, family-style dining, archery.
Roger: Well, please join us in the ha-tub.
[Barbara takes off coat]
Virginia: Yes, it’s refreshing.
Roger: It simply is divine.
[Fallon begins cracking up as Drew’s character Barbara gets in the hot tub]
Virginia: Uh, Barbara, dare I ask, are you no longer with your lov-ah, Mitchell.
Barbara: Well, as you know, Mitchell was the most-skillful in creative [indistinguishable].
Roger and Virginia: Ah yes.
[Dave clears his throat]
Barbara: However, his love for me was exceeded by his love for sweet wine and dog racing. So now I can turn my attention to my first love: archery.
[from here on in, Fallon is unable to hold his laughter in]
Roger: Dave. Dave. Dave. David.
Dave: [laughs] Yes?
[Drew starts laughing]
Roger: David.
Dave: Right.
Roger: Our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez, is the top female archer in the northeast division.
[Fallon still laughing]
Dave: That’s unbelievable.
[Virginia reaches for a plate of shanks]
Virginia: Uh, does anyone care for spiced lamb shanks.
Dave: What is- What’s that?
Virginia: Well, at this point during the soak, my lov-ah and I usually crave spiced meats. [her and Roger start eating the shanks] We always… [Rachel Dratch starts laughing] We always order them up special for the Welshly Arms… [laughing again, and Will Ferrell cracks up] Kitchen, and keep them here in this igloo cooler.
Barbara: The Welshly Arms is renowned for its shanks.
Virginia: They’re wonderful shanks.
Dave: I’m good. I’m good.
Virginia: [puts back the plate] Well, your missing out on some good shanks.
Roger: We should mention that although the waters above appear calm [Virginia begins feeling up Roger’s face], below the surface there is a frenzy of activity.
[Fallon is confused, cracks up again]
Roger (cont’d): Hands groping, fingers fluttering, thighs twitching in the anticipation of love-making that will take place in this ha-tub [Dratch starts cracking up, Fallon’s laughs can be heard off screen] in less than 12 minutes.
Dave: I’m getting kind of pruny. I’m out.
[Dave tries to get out of the hot tub, but Roger and Virginia pull him back in]
Roger and Virginia: Wait, wait, wait.
[Fallon cracks up again]
Virginia: Barbara, you’re sans lover. Dave, you a weary business traveler. Perhaps Cupid’s arrow is as sharp as Barbara Hernandez’.
Dave: [stammers} I don’t know. I think I just –
Barbara: David, don’t be alarmed by the professors Clarvin. I remember myself when I f-first Roger and Virg at the University. We had taken a camping trip to Grand Canyon.
Roger: Yes.
Barbara: After a supper of jack rabbit honches, we laid out beneath the stars.
Roger: Somewhere in the distance, we heard the pounding of native drums. [for twelve seconds, everyone starts cracking up]. Was it in our minds? We don’t know. [Ferrell starts cracking up]
[At this point, everyone begins laughing, while the audience cheers them on for their effort to keep a straight face]
Barbara: That night, the great eagle spirit himself appeared at our tent and beckoned us to make love. We submitted to his ravenous [Drew Barrymoore cracks up, Fallon follows] desires, as the three of us became one with the great eagle spirit.
[Dave begins playing with Roger’s beard while Virginia speaks]
Virginia: Turns out the great eagle spirit was actually a fugitive trucker by the name of Rich Crenshaw.
Dave: Maybe I’m just road weary, but, uh, that’s a beautiful story.
Barbara: Lov-ah, would you care to see my bed adorn with hibiscus petals and my photo of me [Barrymore cracks up again] and Geena Davis.
Dave: [enthusiastic] Geena Davis? That sound nice.
Roger: Bye, David. Bye
Virginia: Bye, lov-ahs.
[Roger starts feeling up Dave’s rear differential as the two lovers leave]
Roger: Nothing pleases me more than seeing two new lov-ahs take off in a night [Ferrell and Dratch crack up again] like this.
Virginia: Yes. Lov-ah, I think there’s one reward for the job we done.
[Roger and Virginia get close]
Roger: Let the screams of our love-making reverberate off the roof of the Welshley Arms…
Virginia: [crawls up on Roger’s lap] Oh, lov-ah.
Roger: and into the night sky.
Virginia: Oh, lov-ah.
Roger: Ow, ow. My back.
Virginia: What?
Roger: My back.
Virginia: Is it your back? I thought the water might help.
Roger: Well, it DOESN’T help! Get the hell OFF ME!
[Roger pushes Virginia off as the camera fades to black]
Boss…..Seann William Scott Vasquez…..Horatio Sanz Barbara…..Rachel Dratch Amy…..Amy Poehler Seth…..Seth Meyers Dale McGrew…..Will Ferrell
[ open on board meeting ]
Boss: Well.. Dale McGrew isn’t here yet, so why don’t we go ahead and start?
Vasquez: I’m sure he’ll be here any minute.
Boss: Alright, listen up. As you know, profits are way down. And it looks like we’ve got a long road ahead of us. This quarter, we’re gonna focus on earnings.
Dale McGrew: [ enters wearing a half T-shirt and a tight red, white and blue Speedo ] Hey, sorry I’m late, gang, uh.. traffic on the Jesnsen Overchange was just nuts.. so, I apologize. Why don’t you guys finish the meeting.. I’m gonna grab a little coffee.. my bad. [ turns around, revealing Speedo to be crammed up his ass ]
Boss: McGrew?
Dale McGrew: Hold on a sec..
Boss: Dale McGrew.
Dale McGrew: [ sighs ] What?
Boss: What’s with the get-up?
Dale McGrew: Get-up? What do you mean?
Boss: The shorts. The shirt. I thought this week we were wearing items to show patriotism?
Vasquez: Looking good, Dale! You the man!
Boss: Okay, Dale, that attire is not acceptable.
Dale McGrew: Look, the memo said we relaxed the office dress code to allow showings of patriotism, so.. this coffee’s really good.
Boss: McGrew. I know what the memo said, okay? I wrote the memo. you’re wearing shorts and a half-shirt.
Boss: McGrew, it’s bad enough you wore shorts.. but, for the love of God, why are those shorts so short?
Dale McGrew: Why are long pants long? Why are bushes bushy? I mean, you know, if we’re gonna get in that area, we’re gonna be here all day. Am I missing something? Do you not want me to be patriotic?
Boss: No, Dale, it’s just that those shorts don’t even look comfortable. I mean.. we can see your bulge.
Dale McGrew: Okay, first of all, they’re extremely comfortable.. and, second of all, at this point in your life, if you haven’t seen a bulge, then I feel sorry for you.
Boss: Just have a seat, McGrew. [ they sit ] Now.. this fiscal quarter is gonna be a doozy. Unlike anything we’ve seen thus far. Dale, why don’t you go ahead and fill us in.
Dale McGrew: Gladly. Uh.. here’s the situation.. [ leans back in his chair ] Here’s the situation we find ourselves in. Productivity is extremely low for this time of year. Okay? Uh.. now, excluding the South American market, but including Europe and Asia. What I’m afraid is gonna happen is that we’re gonna find ourselves in a scenario where layoffs are gonna be needed in certain areas, but a new round of hiring will be needed in others, you know? That’s my two cents. [ everyone stares at him ] What? What? What?
Boss: Alright, McGrew, that’s enough. This is just too distracting! Look at that!
Dale McGrew: Distracting? What if the founding fathers, you know, found it too distracting to ride their horses to Independence Hall and sign the Declaration of Independence, huh? What about that?
Vasquez: You tell them, Dale!
Boss: Shut up, both of you! Look, McGrew, I appreciate the fact that you want to show your patriotism, but we can’t hold a board meeting while your kibbles and bits are falling out of your short shorts. I’d like for you to excuse yourself.. I think.
Dale McGrew: I see. [ stands, patriotic music plays in background ] Look, I’m sorry if I offended anyone. I mean, you so all know that I’m way proud to be an American, right? [ everyone agrees ] You do know that I absolutely love this country more than anything? [ everyone agrees ] Well, Im sorry you had to see my asscheeks.. and my nuggetpouch.. and my bulge. I guess what it all comes down to is that the.. angle of my dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of my meat. Right? [ music stops ]
Boss: What the hell are you talking about? Get out of here!
Dale McGrew: Okay, that last part was inappropriate, I’ll give you that. [ music plays ] But just remember this: the U.S. of A. is the greatest country on the face of the Earth, and for that I will make no apologies!
[ board members applaud ]
All: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Dale McGrew: Now, if you’ll excuse me.. [ turns to exit, but his shorts rip ] I did not see that coming!
Vasquez: You’re the best in the biz, Dale!
Dale McGrew: True. Still, you gotta admit, this is one fantasticly handsome bulge, right?
James Lipton…..Will Ferrell Charles Nelson Reilly…..Alec Baldwin
James Lipton: On the thirteenth of January.. nineteen hundred and thirty one.. right here in New York City.. magic happened. An artist was born that would rival Leonardo da Vinci.. or Michelangelo. But his tools would not be pen, nor brush, nor chisel, nor palette. His tools would be his comically over-sized glasses.. and his soul. So please.. welcome.. the greatest performer ever to have graced this Earth, Charles Nelson Reilly.
[ Charles Nelson Reilly enters, strikes a few flamboyant poses for the audience, and sits down while laughing and grabbing his glasses ]
James Lipton: If you ever want to see acting at its finest.. acting that will make you re-examine your life.. acting that will make you see the world for the first time. Watch the 1969 television series, Love American Style. Specifically the episode entitled, “Love and the Laughing Lovers.” It is a delight. [ James Lipton and Charles Nelson Reilly share a laugh ] Tell us about it.
Charles Nelson Reilly: Well, you know it was fantastic. It was a summer full of fashion, fun and frivolity. I learned a lot. One time, Gary Neworth, the director, said to me, “Charles, why don’t you grab your glasses between your thumb and forefinger and pretend you’re twisting them!” [ demonstrates while cracking up ] And I was never the same.
James Lipton: Nor, indeed, was the world.. nor history.. nor anything that the human eye has ever captured. When one thinks of CNR, one’s mind goes right to Match Game. That show was delightful. No. No. It was brilliant. No, no, no, no. There is no word to describe its perfection, so I am forced to make one up. And I’m going to do so right now. Scrumtrilescent.
Charles Nelson Reilly: Oh my, that’s a good word.
James Lipton: Yes it is. Match Game was absolutely scrumtrilescent.
Charles Nelson Reilly: You know, once we were taping Match Game ’75, Nipsey Russell, Brett Summers and I, and we were hanging out at Gene Rayburn’s house, and Nipsey says, “Charles, where does the joy come from?” And I said, “It comes from my blank and it blanks from my blank!” [ laughs uproariously ] And Betty White laughed so hard, her boob fell out!
James Lipton: Unbelievable. You are a modern master. Already a huge success on Broadway, you easily crossed over into film. In 1984, you portrayed Don Don Canneloni.. in Cannonball Run 2. A performance so scrumtrilescent, I can barely move. [ sits rigid for ten seconds ] Then in 1985, you played the hardest role of your life.. yourself.. in Joan Rivers and Friends Salute Heidi Abromowitz.
Charles Nelson Reilly: My Joanie.
James Lipton: Yes. What was it like to play Charles Nelson Reilly?
Charles Nelson Reilly: Sad, fun, tragic, happy, glorious, sticky, horrible, neat and a little gassy.
James Lipton: You are a blinding brilliant light from heaven. Now there is one important role we have yet to discuss.. and that is the voice of King Llort.. in the 1993 animated feature A Troll in Central Park. If you haven’t seen A Troll in Central Park.. you must. It is like looking into the face of God and seeing Him smiling back and saying, “You are my most wondrous creation.” May I speak with King Llort?
Charles Nelson Reilly: Oh!
James Lipton: Is King Llort there?
Charles Nelson Reilly: Oh, of course! [ grabs two cards from Lipton’s monumental stack and holds them to his head like giant ears ] Well, hello James Lipton! I’m King Llort! There’s a troll in Central Park. I’m King Llort! [ replaces cards ]
James Lipton: [ laughing ] I am born anew in your genius. We will conclude our evening.. as we conclude each of our evenings.. with a questionnaire invented by the great Bernard Pivot of apostrophe [ jibberish French ]. What is your favorite word?
Charles Nelson Reilly: [ laughs and twists his glasses ]
James Lipton: What is your least favorite word?
Charles Nelson Reilly: [ emits a prolonged nasal sound of disgust ]
James Lipton: Well played. And finally.. if heaven exists.. what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?
Charles Nelson Reilly: Hmm.
James Lipton: Charles Nelson Reilly.. I am not alone in thinking that you make Gandhi look like a child pornographer. For Inside the Actor’s Studio.. I’m James Lipton.
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
In an interview with CNN this week, Dick Cheney said he may need more heart surgery. Cheney says his doctors have advised him to cut out all red meat, avoid stress, and drop the extra 175 pounds that have been weighing him down. [ show picture of President George W. Bush ]
Officials say that a number of London’s historic buildings are being severely eroded by people urinating on them. Meanwhile, experts have determined that Manhatten was once the size of South America.
Massachusetts governor Jane Swift is making history as the first governor to be pregnant while in office. Swift said shes extremely excited, happy, sad, nauseous, angry, depressed, and happy again.
Millionaire space tourist Dennis Tito returned to Earth Wednesday after a week in space with Russian cosmonauts. For his $20 million, Tito got to make history, take the ride of a lifetime, and learn the Russian phrase for “Don’t touch that, idiot!”
Toymakers Mattel announced this week that they are releasing a Cher doll. The doll is 8″ tall, fully poseable, and made of the same sturdy plastic used to make Cher.
A bill to allow pet ferrets in New York City was passed by the City Council Wednesday, and now must be approved by Mayor Rudy Guiliani – or, as he is known in the ferret world: Our Fearless Leader.
Research is being conducted on the world’s first contraceptive patch for women. The patch is approximatly 3″ in diameter, and reads, “Get Off Me!”
Jimmy Fallon: Recently, an e-mail message has been spread claiming that one of the legendary leaders of the punk movement, and lead singer of the Velvet Underground, Lou Reed, is dead. Here to put an end to any confusion, is Lou Reed. Lou, thanks for coming..
Lou Reed: Uh, what’s your name – Vance?
Jimmy Fallon: It’s Jimmy, actually. Do you have any idea how this Internet rumor got started?
Lou Reed: Well, I’m dead, I haven’t been around..
Jimmy Fallon: Right. Now, are you sure that you’re dead?
Lou Reed: [ feels his face ] I’m positive. I haven’t been this dead in a while.
Jimmy Fallon: Could you have been mistaken, maybe?
Lou Reed: No, I’m positive. I’m dead.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, you’re a good man, Lou.. I just wish I could have told you that when you were alive..
Lou Reed: Maybe you could e-mail me.
Jimmy Fallon: Thank you. Lou Reed, everybody, the late Lou Reed.
Research by their Royal School of Vetinary Studies show that dogs often get sick and many may be allergic to their owners. However, my research suggests that dogs are often sick because they stay up way too late playing Poker. [ show picture of “Dogs Playing Poker” print ]
The Florida Legislature this week approved a $32 million program to modernize the state’s voting equipment. Florida Governor Jeb Bush said the new machines are “so accurate and easy to use, there is no way I’m getting re-eelected.”
An Arizona company is selling a scratch-and-sniff test to screen Alzheimer’s Disease. Apparently, if you scratch the panel but then forget to sniff, you’ve got Alzheimer’s.
Cliff Hilgas, the creator of Cliff Notes, died Saturday at his home in Liincoln, Nebraska at the age of 83. Services will be held Sunday from 2:00 to 2:05.
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell Dave Matthews…..Jimmy Fallon Bjork…..Winona Ryder Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond Boyd Tinsley…..Dean Edwards …..Real Alex Trebek
Alex Trebek: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy: Rock and Roll Edition, where some of today’s biggest musics are competing for their favorite charities. Let’s meet the contestants: Dave Matthews of Dave Matthews Band. Dave, welcome to the show.
Dave Matthews: [in squeaky voice] I am glad to be here.
Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Next up, Icelandic sensation Bjork.
Bjork: When I look at the veins in my hands, they remind me of these two snakes that laugh.
Alex Trebek: Beautiful. And our final contestant on Celebrity Rock and Roll Jeopardy… Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: We meet again, you loggerheaded tickle brain poppycock! I cut an album of filthy limericks just so I’d be eligible: “There once was a man named Trebick, who had the most tiniest…”
Alex Trebek: Enough. Let’s just get this over with. Here are the categories, they are: “Potent Potables,” “Countries Between Mexico and Canada,” “Members of Simon and Garfunkel,” “I Have a Chardonnay” – you choose this category, you automatically get the points and I get to have a glass of wine. “Things You Do With a Pencil Sharpener,” “Tie Your Shoe,” and finally, “Toast”. Mr. Connery, you select first.
Sean Connery: That’s a nice jacket you’re wearing, Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Why, thank you.
Sean Connery: Is that wool? Must have been expensive.
Alex Trebek: No, actually, it was quite reasonable.
Sean Connery: Really? Where did you get it?
Alex Trebek: At a place called Stern’s, down on 14th.
Sean Connery: Stern’s? I’ll have to check it out.
Alex Trebek: Well, you should. Ask for Gary. Tell him that I sent you.
Sean Connery: I’ll do that. That sure is a nice jacket. Just one more question…
Alex Trebek: What is it, Sean?
Sean Connery: Do they make them for men?
Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with “Toast” for $600. And the answer is, “This is the thing that becomes toast”. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?
Dave Matthews: What?
Alex Trebek: Did you ring in?
Dave Matthews: [singing] I did it, guilty as charged.
Alex Trebek: Do you have an answer?
Dave Matthews: No. No, I don’t.
[Bjork buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Bjork, this is the only thing that becomes toast.
Bjork: Everything is music. When I go home, I throw knickers in the oven and it’s music. Crash, boom, bang! (makes indistinct noises) (buzz)
Alex Trebek: Wow. The answer, of course, was bread. Let’s go to “Members of Simon and Garfunkel” for $200. “Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel.” [Bjork buzzes in] Bjork?
Bjork: Sometimes when I’m putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. [buzz] No?
Alex Trebek: Are you Icelandic or retarded? [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery?
Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?
Alex Trebek: “Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel”.
Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]
Alex Trebek: Come on. [Dave Matthews buzzes in] Dave Matthews?
[Boyd Tinsley enters and plays the intro to the Dave Matthews Band’s “Ants Marching”.]
Dave Matthews: [singing] “He wakes up in the morning, does his teeth, bite to eat, and he’s rolling…” [buzz]
Alex Trebek: Wrong.
[Boyd Tinsley whispers in Dave Matthews’ ear.]
Dave Matthews: I’m sorry, what is –
[Boyd Tinsley resumes playing “Ants Marching”]
Dave Matthews: [singing] “He wakes up in the morning…” [buzz]
[Bjork buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Bjork?
Bjork: This buzzer is musical. Everything is musical. [starts playing with the buzzers and makes indistinct noises]
Alex Trebek: And… shut it! Mr. Connery, still your board.
Sean Connery: I’ll take “I Have a Hard-on” for $600.
[close-up to board, the category “I Have a Chardonnay” is edited to read “I Have a Hardon”.]
Alex Trebek: I don’t believe this. Where did you get that magic marker? We frisked you in on the way in here.
Sean Connery: I didn’t have it in my pocket.
Alex Trebek: That’s disgusting. Please.
Sean Connery: I bet if you frisked me, you would have found it.
Alex Trebek: All right, that’s enough.
Sean Connery: Because I was keeping it in my butt.
Alex Trebek: Okay. We get it. Loud and clear: we get it. It’s time for Final Jeopardy…
[The real Alex Trebek enters.]
Real Alex Trebek: And so this was Final Jeopardy. And what a ride it has been, from Burt Reynolds to Minnie Driver, but boy, oh boy, those celebrities did not know the right answers to any of your questions.
Alex Trebek: No, they did not. They were very stupid.
Real Alex Trebek: You got that right.
Sean Connery: Well, well, two Trebeks. I feel like I’m in a Raisin Bran commercial: “two scoops of fruit”.
Real Alex Trebek: Back off, Connery. I don’t have to take that from you.
Sean Connery: I guess it’s true, old married couples do start to look alike.
Alex Trebek: Okay, please. From all of us to all of you, good night.
Ian McKellen: Thank you, thank you very much indeed! Well, here we all are. And here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Why, you might ask. And all through these rehearsals, I’ve been asking myself the same thing, actually. You know, A classical actor, used to doing Stremberg and Chekhov and Skakespeare – plays that have been around for centuries – and here I am performing work that’s only been around since yesterday afternoon. Now, honestly, they’re still writing some of the scripts right now! I guess so it’s not too obvious.
People are always telling me I should do more comedy. Well, this show will show them – they’ll never ask that again! To think I could be sunning myself in Los Angeles waiting for the Oscars; or be at home in London seeing my 95-year old stepmother, who I don’t get to see often enough; or I could be on holiday with my boyfriend in New Zealand, there’s a thought. But, now, I’m here. Here in New York doing “Saturday Night Live”. Basically, it’s just vanity, I suppose. But I love this troupe of players, this company, the regulars on “Saturday Night Live”. Especially that Jimmy Fallon, isn’t he cute! most hosts get around to thanking the cast at the end of the show, I think it’s worth thanking them right now, because I need them on my side.
I’m not sure they realize they’re part of a very old theater tradition – it’s called Review. Did you know Maggie Smith – Dame Maggie – started off in review when she was a kid. She’s still brilliant at one-liners – if you’ve seen her in “Gosford Park”, you know what I mean. And when Maggie and I were starting out, she dragged my hero, Laurence Olivier, to come and see me act in London. And subsequently put me into his national theater company, along with a young actor called Anthony Hopkins. And who would have thought that after all those years in the classics, Dame Maggie would end up being best known as the Harry Potter Lady, Tony Hopkins best known for eating people’s faces, and they’d make me into an action figure! I love my action figures, I play with them all day long.
Anyway! It’s really, really fun and great to be here, I feel really welcomed. Unlike the St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York City, where they don’t exactly encourage openly gay men. They don’t seem to mind the priests, though, do they? Hey, look, forget the parade, we’ve got a great show, and I’m gonna have a ball, and so are you, because my fave disco diva is here – Kylie Minogue! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!
Air Date:
Dave Matthews Band, “I Did It”
Ricky Martin, “She Bangs”
Jay-Z, “I Just Wanna Love U”
