Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 26: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 10th, 2001 Jennifer Lopez Jennifer Lopez None Lorne Michaels Tom Hanks Andy Murphy Jennifer’s BootySummary: Will Ferrell gushes over Jennifer Lopez’s booty, while Tracy Morgan plots to take over his impression of President George W. Bush.
MontageNote: In spite of an XFL game running late on NBC, “Saturday Night Live” began their studio performance promptly at their usual time, though it didn’t go on the air (as a tape-delay) for another 45 minutes.
Jennifer Lopez’s MonologueSummary: Jennifer Lopez tries to disclaim her diva image as hair and make-up people swarm her on stage. Transcript
Cracklin’ Oat FlakesSummary: Now laced with ecstasy! Note: Repeat from 11/11/00.
J Lo vs. MangoSummary: Jennifer Lopez battles Mango (Chris Kattan) for the proper Diva title. Recurring Characters: Mango, Celine Dion, Diana Ross, Aretha Franklin, Shania Twain. Transcript
MTV CribsSummary: Gemini’s Twin members Jonette (Ana Gasteyer), Britanica (Maya Rudolph) and new girl Lady Speedstick (Jennifer Lopez) show off their new tiny apartment. Recurring Characters: Jonette, Britanica. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Ray of Light”, his Disney-themed spin on the Ray Lewis scandal. Transcript
Jennifer Lopez performs “Play”Also Performed: 99k.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Wilson the Volleyball (Will Ferrell) talks mean-spiritedly about Tom Hanks. Third-grader Rasheed Jenkins (Jerry Minor) nervously discusses Black History Month. Transcript
Fly Girls ReunionSummary: The less-famous Fly Girls, Yonette (Jerry Minor), Spicy (Rachel Dratch), and Deronica (Tracy Morgan), reunite with former member Jennifer Lopez.
Music From The Motion Picture ValentineSummary: Strangely named bands dominate the film’s soundtrack. Transcript
Jennifer Lopez performs “Love Don’t Cost A Thing”
Good Morning BronxRecurring Characters: Dominican Lou.
Wade BlasingameSummary: Attorney Wade Blasingame (Will Ferrell) is in favor of suing dogs for being themselves. Note: Repeat from 12/09/00.
News From the FrontSummary: Lana Thornberry (Jennifer Lopez) sings unpatriotic music to military soldiers during World War II. Recurring Characters: Bob Hope.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Thanks! Thank you so much! It’s so great to be here! I’m having so much fun this week! I hosted once before, but this week has been really extra-special to me because one of my best friends is on the show now, and I’m so proud of her. We’ve known each other since we were seven years old, and she’s super-funny and talented, and I’m so glad she’s in the cast. Her name is Maya Rudolph! Maya, come out here!
Maya Rudolph: [ appears onstage ] Hey!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Isn’t this crazy!
Maya Rudolph: I know, this is so crazy! But it’s great, it’s great!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Here’s our class picture in 5th grade – this is real. [ picture is shown onscreen ] There’s Maya, and I’m the one on the right.
Maya Rudolph: Look, there’s Mary!
Gwyneth Paltrow: And there’s our friend Mary – she’s here tonight, too – she’s in the middle.
Maya Rudolph: Oh, look at our hair! Our dads are also best friends from college, and they’re watching us together tonight. Hi, Dad!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Hi, Daddy! The last time, actually, our dads saw us on stage together was in 5th grade, when we were in the class play “The Nightengale”.
Maya Rudolph: That’s right! You played the beautiful nightengale, and I played the maid. That was fun!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah! Gosh, and now here we are.
Maya Rudolph: I know, this is unbelievable! It’s almost like I’m hosting with you.
Gwyneth Paltrow: [ hesitates ] Yeah..
Maya Rudolph: I’m sorry, should I go?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, no, no.. totally, stay up here!
Maya Rudolph: Are you sure?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah.. yeah..
[ awkward pause ]
Maya Rudolph: So, we sure had a lot of fun back then, huh?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah. But then, when we 11, I had to move here to New York.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah. And then, later, your career just took off, and I went to school in Santa Cruz. So, that worked out for both of us.
Gwyneth Paltrow: But now you’re doing so great! And we get to be in a sketch together!
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, that’s right!
Gwyneth Paltrow: I play Britney Spears.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, you are hysterical in that!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, youre in the scene, too!
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, I play the maid. It’s pretty cool. Hey! Remember when you won the Oscar for “Shakespeare In Love”, and I called you and I told you how proud I was of you?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh yes, that was so sweet. Oh, remember when you had that little part on that black doctors show?
Maya Rudolph: “City of Angels”.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah, yeah! And you called me and asked me if I was proud of you!
Maya Rudolph: [ pause ] Hey. You know what, don’t we have another picture of us that we can look at? [ another picture is shown ] Oh, my God!
Gwyneth Paltrow: There’s our friend Mary again, in the middle!
Maya Rudolph: Look at us! Look at the way we’re dressed! What were we thinking? I have purple acid-wash jeans on. We were really jacked pu that day because we had just seen “Flashdance”.
Gwyneth Paltrow: [ laughing ] Oh, my God! Remember how really into that movie we were?
Maya Rudolph: Yep.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Remember how we sang that song for our 6th grade talent show, and totally bombed?
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we did. You want to take another shot at it?
Together: [ singing ] “First when there’s nothing But a slow glowing dream That your fear seems to hide Deep inside your mind.
All alone I have cried Silent tears full of pride In a world made of steel, Made of stone.
What a feeling. Bein’s believin’. I can have it all, now I’m dancing for my life..”
Gwyneth Paltrow: We have a great show for you tonight! Ryan Adams is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Cafe Manager: Excuse me, Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Woodrow: I’m Woodrow! [ holds up mangled script ] I got a movie partfor Kate, it’s a doozy!
[ everyone laughs at him ]
Actress: Oh, my God, this guy actually thinks he’s in the biz!
Woodrow: Stop! Stop laughing at me!
Director: [ laughing ] Even the homeless in this town have a script!I bet he directs!
Woodrow: It’s not funny! [ starts crying ]
Kate Hudson: [ gets up to comfort Woodrow ] Hey, hey, you’re hurtinghis feelings. It’s okay. I’ll look at your movie script.
Woodrow: You will?
Kate Hudson: Yes.
Woodrow: It’s only a part of it. The best part, I left at home.
Kate Hudson: Oh. Well, let’s go look at it. Where do you live?
Woodrow: Right here. [ points to manhole in middle of street ]
Kate Hudson: In the sewer?
Woodrow: Yeah. Come on.
[ Woodrow opens manhole and climbs down. Kate follows, much to the horrorof her friends. ]
Director: Kate, remember we gotta be back at the studio by 1:30!
Actress: Geez.. oh, my gosh, you guys, I think I’m gonna be sick.That guy smelled awful!
Actor: Well, she can kiss her career goodbye.
Director: Really? Why?
Actor: Well, you never go down in a sewer with a homelessman! It’s career-ending. Don’t you know anything?!
[ cut to Woodrow and Kate reaching the bottom of the sewer – harp musicsets the scene ]
Woodrow: Well, here we are. I like it because it’s rent-controlled.
Kate Hudson: It’s nice.
Woodrow: Here, would you like a doggie biscuit?
Kate Hudson: Uh.. no thank you.
Woodrow: How about a can of baby formula?
Kate Hudson: Sure. So, okay.. what about this movie script?
Woodrow: Oh, that? Uh.. [ fakes sound of phone ringing ] Ring!Ring! I gotta take this one.. [ picks up piece of board ] Buy, sell!Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Funny money, boo-bah! [ hangs up board ]
Kate Hudson: Wow. That sounded important..
Woodrow: Yeah. That’s Wall Street stuff. I’m sorry about that.Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah – the movie script. You don’t really wantto read this, do you?
Kate Hudson: Oh, no, I do. I really do.
Woodrow: Really? That’s a relief. I gotta be honest.. you knowthat phone call I just had?
Kate Hudson: Yeah?
Woodrow: That was a fake. I was just trying to impress you. Infact, I’m not really that rich. I’m just a gret, big phony.
Kate Hudson: Oh, I don’t think you’re a phony.
Woodrow: Thanks! [ holds up script ] Okay, in this scene, you playAmanda Kiln, and I’ll play the part of Dr. Jergens.
Kate Hudson: Okay. [ reads from script ] “Tell me, Doctor Jergens,is my liver gonna be okay?”
Woodrow: “No. No, it’s not. Your liver has a brain tumor. It’sserious.”
Kate Hudson: “How serious?”
Woodrow: “Medical. That’s how.”
Kate Hudson: “Is it laryngitis?”
Woodrow: “Yes. You’re going to die in.. in.. in a minute or so.”
Kate Hudson: “Oh, God, this crazy world, Doctor, I’m scared!”
Woodrow: “You know, when I’m scared, I have a song I like to sing,and I want you to sing it with me.. [ singing ] ‘Toasters and birds, little pigeon turds Radio in my hair, it’s really not there Because I.. love.. you..’ Now, your turn.’
Kate Hudson: “Okay. [ singing ] ‘Boogers and poop, dictionary soup Run for the hills, we have to eat pills And I.. love.. you..’“
Woodrow: “Now, both.”
Kate Hudson: “Ah.”
Together: [ singing ] “‘Mr. Rubber Face, I’m from outer space Kibbles ‘n Bits, tiny mouse tits And I.. love.. you.. I.. love.. you..’“
Woodrow: This is it. This is where we kiss.
Kate Hudson: Like this? [ kisses Woodrow on the lips ]
Woodrow: See? You just made me piss my pants!
Kate Hudson: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t I introduce you to myagent?
Director: Hey, Kate! It’s past 1:30!
Kate Hudson: Oh, rats.. that’s my director..
Woodrow: You’d better get back..
Kate Hudson: Oh, I can’t leave.. I have feelings for you.. I thinkmaybe I.. I think..
Woodrow: Shh.. You belong up there, with them. Now go.
Kate Hudson: You sure?
Woodrow: Go, before I change my mind.
Kate Hudson: Bye. [ climbs back up the sewer ]
Woodrow: [ fakes the sound of a telephone, and holds the board tohis ear ] Hello? This is Woodrow. I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong number. [ hangs up – scene fades to black ]
(On screen, opening for “The West Wing”, playing theme song)
Announcer: Tonight, television’s most acclaimed series presents it’s most anticipated show of the season. “The West Wing” episode written by Aaron Sorkin while high on mushrooms.
(Title: The Best thing I’ve ever written)
(President Bartlett and C.J. walking together down a hallway)
President Bartlett: Now, C.J., tell me again what group I’m about to address.
C.J.: You will be speaking to the American Library Association.
President Bartlett: And what is our position on libraries?
C.J.: We’re in favor of them, sir.
President Bartlett: You know, I don’t think I could get through this if I weren’t tripping on shrooms. Did you know I was high?
C.J.: I gathered that, sir.
President Bartlett: Would you like some? I got a shoebox full.
C.J.: No thank you, sir. I just took some ecstasy.
President Bartlett: Ah, ecstasy! Of course, in my day it was called MDA.
C.J.: So you’ve told me, sir.
President Bartlett: Did I ever tell you the active ingredient in mushrooms is cilocybin?
C.J.: Many times, sir.
President Bartlett: Ok.
(Josh and Donna walking together down a hallway)
Donna: Josh, do you have a minute?
Josh: Sure, walk with me.
Donna: I’m not sure how I feel about drug legalization. Would you tell me what to think?
Josh: Well, I just ate some mushrooms with the president about 20 minutes ago, so I’m not at my sharpest.
Donna: I just don’t get why tobacco is legal and drugs aren’t.
Josh: Stop talking logically, Donna. That sort of thing could lead to sensible public policy. Hey, Sam!
(Sam joins them)
Sam: Hi Josh! Here’s a fact: Did you know 100 million Americans die each year ’cause of smoking related illness, but there’s not one recorded instance of a death caused by hallucinogens.
Josh: Actually, I did know that, but thanks.
(All stop in their tracks)
Sam: Would you look at that!
(Image on screen of cats boxing)
Donna: That is so cool!
(President Bartlett, C.J., Toby and a man wearing a Native American costume walking together)
President Bartlett: Did I ever tell you that LSD was actually developed in an army lab?
C.J. & Toby: Many times, sor.
(Josh, Donna and Sam in front of a multi-colored background. All talking very slowly)
Josh: Are you alright? You don’t look so good.
Sam: I feel alright.
(Bartlett and man dressed in Native American costume enter)
President Bartlett: Whoa!
Sam, Donna & Josh: Hello Mr. President!
President Bartlett: This is my friend….(babbles incoherently)
Sam: Mr. President! Look!
(Image of flying saucer crashing into Capitol building dome. Explosion follows. Fade to black)
Announcer: Next week on “The West Wing.”
C.J.: (takes off glasses) What do you mean, the President can’t run again?
Toby: The President can’t run again for a simple reason: that he is melting. I saw the President melting.
C.J.: (looks shocked)
(Animation of two dinosaurs on screen, followed by a woman with scissors on her tongue, boxing kitties, and the scene from “Independence Day” when the White House is blown up by aliens)
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hello, how you doing? Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. And here are tonights top stories.
Actor Robert Blake was arrested Thursday night for the murder of his wife, Bonnie Lee Bakely, who was shot 11 months ago outside of a Los Angeles restaurant. Blake started his career as Mickey in The Little Rascals and now will end it in prison as Spanky.
Erica Green, a 20 year old woman from Tegular, Georgia was one of the 3 winners in this weeks 320 million dollar lottery jackpot. Green says she doesnt know what she will do with the money but something tells me world’s biggest jello-shot is on the list.
Jimmy Fallon: Sidenote: Erica is 20 years old, cute as a button, this is the first time in her life that she every purchased a lottery ticket, and she only bought one ticket, and she won 58 million dollars (long pause). If your still watching right about now it means you havent kicked in your television set. Congratulations, you have passed the Weekend Update Anger Management test.
This past weekend Al Gore delivered a fiery speech criticizing President Bushs economic policies. Unfortunately he gave the speech into a hairbrush in front of his hallway mirror.
The Fox network announced that it is cancelling Ally McBeal after this season. Star Calista Flockhart says that the end of the show leaves her to try something risky, like a bagel.
Tina Fey: Fox executives said that they decided to cancel the show–
(Ally McBeal runs onto the stage)
Ally McBeal: Hi Jimmy, Hi Tina.
Jimmy Fallon: How are you?
Ally McBeal: How do you think I am? I cant believe I am getting dumped by America. You used to love my short skirts and imperatively skinny little body, but now youve have enough? Well A-a-a-America (makes face expressions), you re not breaking up with me, I am breaking up with you! I-I-I-I am a successful woman, no, no, no, a successful person, and just trying to do whats right, and yes maybe sometime along the way finding someone I can fall i-i-in love with, and maybe, yes maybe occasionally have hot sex with a regular, successful, attractive man whose not going to go crazy (shakes head frantically) on me! (Ally grabs Jimmy and kisses him, slaps him on the face then walks off)
Jimmy Fallon: Ally McBeal everyone.
The Al Jazeera network have obtained yet another tape from Osama Bin Laden that they aired on Thursday. Oh yeah? Well NBC had back to back “Frasier”s. Welcome to the big leagues guys!
Researches at Johns Hopkins University have evidence that links red meat consumption to prostate cancer. They made the discovery after noticing that John Madden is 95% tumour.
Jenny Wood-Allen, a 90 year old Scottish woman completed the London marathon Sunday. Allen said she remembers leaving her house in the morning to get some milk and then getting very lost.
500 students at a college in Georgia signed a petition protesting nudity in a school production of The Grapes of Wrath which includes a scene where a woman breast-feeds a starving man. However all 500 signatures on the petition are from guys who unsuccessfully auditioned for starving man.
Tina Fey: Spiderman one of the most anticipated movies of the year will be hitting theatres May 3rd. Producers raised eyebrows with their casting if Tobey Maguire as the famed web-slinger. Here now with a preview of the movie is Tobey Maguire.
Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Thanks Tina. I am happy to report that Spiderman is an action packed, adrenaline rush. I just saw final edit and my heart cant stop pounding. While some question if Im the right casting for an action film I think anybody who has seen my work in Wonderboys or the Ice Storm or Cider House Rules would agree that the name Tobey Maguire is anonymous with high acting thrills. Now to psych you up even more Id like to sing the Spiderman theme song.
(even slower) Spiderman, Spiderman (he begins mouthing words without talking)
Tina Fey: Tobey. Tobey if your saying something we cant hear you.
Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Sorry Tina. Sometimes I lack the energy to expel words from my mouth. (he pulls a mirror out and stares at it)
Tina Fey: Tobey Tobey what is that?
Tobey Maguire: (puts the mirror down and talks slowly) Its a mirror. My doctor told me to hold it to my face every 10 minutes to make sure Im still breathing.
Tina Fey: And? Are you?
Tobey Maguire: (talking slowly) Nope Spiderman May 3rd Cath the excite ment.
Tina Fey: Tobey Maguire everyone.
Just one day after opening the new London musical Chitty, chitty bang, bang they had to cancel a performance due to mechanical difficulties. When asked how he felt when having to cancel a performance, the director said Chitty.
Joy Behar from “The View” is participating in an 8 week get fit plan to be chronicled on the show. Now I considered doing a Star Jones joke here but I got worried shed bust through this map wall like the Kool-Aid man and kick my ass.
Abercrombie and Fitch pulled the line of T-shirts featuring Asian stereotypes because of a protest staged by Asian-Americans. The protest was non-violent and orderly but the same can not be said about the parking lot when they all went to drive home.
A 1.6 million dollar stratus bury violin was stolen from a musician in New York City. The thief is said to be armed and extremely classy.
Tina Fey: Next week is take your child to work week so tonight I have brought my daughter to work. Please welcome, Savannah Dakota Fey.
Savannah: Yo, how long do I have to stay here?
Tina Fey: Okay, I just thought youd like to see where mommy works.
Savannah: This place is weak, yo.
Tina Fey: How is your boyfriend, Marcus?
Savannah: You’re such a racist mom!
Tina Fey: Savannah thats not why I dislike him, okay Savannah, he stole my microwave!!
Savannah: He needed it for his band. God, seriously mom, dont start with me today.
Tina Fey: Im not starting with you. Savannah I–
Savannah: Nobody calls me Savannah. I go by S-Dog yo.
Tina Fey: Okay, S-Dog then.
Savannah: Oh, god, dont you use it!
Tina Fey: Fine, well do you wanna read a joke?
Savannah: Fine. Last week in the news a politician said something boring and then you were like What? Blah, blah, blah.
Tina Fey: Savannah, why do you do that? Your perfectly capable of reading that joke. Charlie Grandee wrote you a perfectly good joke.
Savannah: Im not funny! Im not like you okay, Ill never be like you!!
Tina Fey: Do you take ecstasy?
Savannah: What do you care? You aint never home.
Tina Fey: Mommy works 2 jobs!!
Savannah: Oh, you always embarrass me, you told the guys from P.O.D. we were going bra shopping? I will never forgive you! I cant believe you!
Tina Fey: So you can have your graver sneakers and your I-Pods so you can go to your Tony Hawk Skateboard parties, just because I am never with you doesnt not mean I am a bad mother.
(they argue those things, talking at the same time, but Tina stops)
Savannah: WHY WONT YOU TELL ME WHO MY FATHER IS?
Tina Fey: For the last time, you father is a married network executive.
Jimmy Fallon: Hey Savannah. You wanna know a secret? I wear jeans under here, I dont even have a whole suit, isnt that weird?
Savannah: Save it. Im not into white dudes, yo.
Jimmy Fallon: Tina I wasnt hitting on her, I swear.
Tina Fey: You know, you cant win Jimmy, dont worry about it. Savannah Fey everybody.
Savannah: I HATE YOU ALL! (Tina hits her on the arm before Savannah leaves)
Finally tonight, former Van Halen singers David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar announced that they will be teaming up for a 21 city concert tour this Summer. In order to make the most money as possible in this tour, admission will be free, but it will cost $500 to leave early.
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And Im Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
(Jimmy throws his pencil into the audience and then someone throws it back to him)
James Lipton…..Will Ferrell Drew Barrymoore…..Kate Hudson
[Fade in: Intro to “Inside the Actors Studio]
[Fade in: James Lipton, staring at the audience]
James Lipton: When one thinks of the gratest all-time films made by mankind, in this century or in any other… one name keeps coming up again and again and again and again. That, of course, is the great cinematographer Gregg Tolland. [audience applause] He cannot be here tonight because he is dead. Ha ha ha. But a face that he would have surely filmed is here with us tonight. Please welcome the wonderful, incomparable Drew Barrmoore.
[Drew comes in from off screen]
Drew Barrymore: Thank you. [shakes James’ hand] Oh, my god, it is so good to be here. It’s so magical. It’s so magical.
James Lipton: In 1982, a film was produced. A film that made not a little amount of money but in fact a great deal of mney. That film was “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.”
Drew Barrymore: Oh, my god, yes, yes.
James Lipton: You played Gertie, the precocious child who when she screamed at the E.T. sent a message out to the world, “I am, I am here, I am now.” If you haven’t seen the scene where Drew screams at the E.T., go right now to a place where videotapes or film are sold or rented, and buy it or rent and watch it. It is delightful. [laughs uproariously] What was it like acting with the E.T.?
Drew Barrymore: Um, I don’t know. So many feelings. [chokes up] You know, like the finger, ouch. The neck that stretched. It’s emotional. [laughs]
James Lipton: Indeed, emotional. Your family is truly Hollywood royalty, which is apparent when you annonced to the world that your next project was to be “Charlie’s Angels,” a television show which some have called the greatest show ever made… by humans. Why not a “Barney Miller” or “Starsky Hutch”?
Drew Barrymore: Well, we did start out with “Barney Miller.” Then during pre-production, we discovered there were no women in the original cast.
James Lipton: [uproarious laughing] Yes, marvelous, simply marvelous. You are a delight.
Drew Barrymore: Oh, you are a delight, too. It’s so magical.
James Lipton: In 1995, you do a film, a film which some call a “chick flick,” meaning a movie primarily intend for the opposite gender of myself. [laughs]
Drew Barrymore: [laughs] Yes.
James Lipton: The film, of course, “Boys On The Side.” And on that film, you worked with the Whoopi Goldberg. What was that like?
Drew Barrymore: Magical. Whoopi was so funny. Sometimes on the set, she would say, “No, child.”
[James and Drew laugh until James and the chair fall down. James crawls back up.]
James Lipton: We will conclude our evening with a questionnaire invened by the great Bernard Pivot of “Apostrophes” and “Bouillon de Culture” — [clutches wrist] I hurt my wrist — which has been asked of some of the finet minds of the 20th century. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Drew Barrymore: Um, a knife maker.
James Lipton: What profession would you absolutely not like to participate in?
Drew Barrymore: Um, I wouldn’t ant to burn monkeys.
James Lipton: Nor they you. And finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?
Drew Barrymore: Um, “Hey, Drew Barrymoore, you have treated people with such care, tender care, and kindness. You smell like flowers.
James Lipton: [applauds] Drew Barrymoore, you are a delight.
Drew Barrymore: Thank you. [attempts to shake James hand]
James Lipton: [recoils] Son of a bee sting. Thank you.
Walter … Christopher Walken Virginia Clarvin … Rachel Dratch Roger Clarvin … Will Ferrell Catherine … Ana Gasteyer
[open to a patio with the Clarvins, Walter, and Catherine]
Virginia: Does anyone care for some baba ganoush or hummus before we start our main course? [Walter takes some] Yes, have some.
Roger: It’s so wonderful, Walter, when we’re graced with a visit from you.
Walter: Well, I always treasure my conferences at the university, and of course, my time with my old colleagues.
Catherine: I’m just so glad I got to come along. It’s so beautiful here.
Virginia: Oh, you must take advantage of the view from Pullman Falls. It’s absolutely perfect for lover’s walks.
Roger: Yes, are you taking lovers’ walks?
Catherine: Uh, what do you mean?
[Roger holds Virginia]
Virginia: Well, are you at the point in your relationship when you can walk hand-in-hand as lovers?
Catherine: I, um, guess so.
Walter: Actually, we haven’t ben seeing each other all that long.
[Catherine laughs]
Virginia: Oh, I see. So in due time, eh lover?
Roger: [as he rubs Virginia’s arms] Yes, Virginia. I remember our first days of courtship as if it were yesterday. Eager drives to Holyoke. Passionate cries of love making muffle into a feather pillow in order to avoid waking your roomate Chin Le. [kisses Virginia]
Virginia: Oh, yes, yes. Fond memories, my lover prince.
Roger: Yes.
Virginia: Can I get you more Sangria?
[Roger downs a glass of Sangria]
Walter: You’re never going to meet a couple more in love than Roger and Virginia.
Catherine: Sounds like it, yeah.
Roger: Surely, Katherine, you must have a story about your lover.
Catherine: Oh, I just think that’s best kept private.
Walter: Sure, she’s acting shy now, but she’s quite a curious lover.
Roger and Virginia: Oh.
Catherine: [shocked] Walter!
Walter: One wintry night after eating Indian… [pause] Catherine whispered into my ear, [at this time, Catherine grows upset and flinches] her breath rich with faraway spices, that she desire to make love. She wanted to try shinshi shinshi. Now, I’d been begging her to try sinshi shinshi for months. She’d refused on the grounds that it was unclean. Finally, she was willing to accept her lover’s body in places no one had ever trespassed. Specifically, the ear canal.
Catherine: Walter!
[an audience member hoots]
Roger: Walter, your stories always make me hungry. [moans with Virginia]
Virginia: Oh, Walter, we made your favorite tonight, moussaka. [laughs with Roger]
Catherine: What’s so funny?
Virginia: You see, Katherine, in our younger days [while Roger kisses Virginia’s hands] we took a glorious trip to the Greek Islands
Roger: We rented a krypsona on the Isle of Santorini.
Walter: And I was there, too.
Catherine: [sarcastically] Really?
Roger: Oh, yes.
Virginia: [while Roger starts rubbing Virginia’s shoulders] Yes, one day we returned to the Krypsona from the beach. Our bodies browned by the sun. And the locals had killed and roasted a goat and —
Roger: We filled our bellies with goat meat.
Virginia: Our hands greasy.
Walter: Mouths glistening.
Virginia: Yes, and —
Roger: Once again, our bodies sluggish with goat meat.
Catherine: Okay, all right, okay, do you think there’s any way we could save this one until after dinner.
[the Clarvins laugh]
Roger: No. That evening, Virginia and I made love so powerful, me thinks I heard the god Zeus chuckling from on high. [him and Virgnia touch each other]
Walter: And I was there, too.
Catherine: [shocked] Do you mean?
Walter: Bingo. We did a three way
[Catherine looks disgusted]
Virginia: Now, mind you, Catherine. This was a long time ago.
Roger: Yes, yes, this was a year and a half ago.
Catherine: [disgusted] Gross.
Virginia: So that’s why when I always think of the night I entertained not one but two lovers whenever I eat moussaka.
Catherine: [upset] All right, okay, Walter, Walter, I wanna go home.
Walter: What, lover, we only just arrived.
Roger: Perhaps our talk of lovers has made Catherine yearn for me shinshi shinshi.
Catherine: And I cannot believe you told them that.
[Catherine gets up and leaves in fury]
Walter: My lover has a fiery soul. I best chase her for she is my ride. [touches Virginia’s cheek] Good night, dear friends and former lovers.
Roger and Virginia: Good night, Walter.
Walter: Good night. [exists the scene]
Virginia: Good night, Walter. Oh, listen, the rhythm of the crickets.
Roger: [chirps like a cricket] “Make love.” [chirps again] “Make love.” Quick, quick, [clears the table as the two prepare to make love] let’s rub our legs and bodies against each other like cricket children and make love and night fancy. [grunts]
Virginia: Shouldn’t we go upstairs, lover?
Roger: No, right here, lover. [in pain] Ow, ow, my back, my back.
Virginia: Is it your back?
Roger: [mimicks Virginia] “Is it your back?” Yes it’s my back! Get the hell off me! [pushes her off]
Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.
President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I’m very happy to be back in this country, after my very successful trip in the Pacific Rim. I’m heartened to hear that, for the most part, the people of this country show strong support for my agenda. However, lately, there are some who are beginning to criticize this administration. Maybe these people don’t understand – America is presently at war. Not just a war on terrorism; but we are engaged in a deadly stand-off with an Axis of Evil. You know who I’m talking about – Iran, Iraq, and one of the Koreas.
But my Axis of Evil doesn’t seem to interest the people out there. Some people just want to talk about the economy, and budgets, and Enron. I bet most of you out there don’t even understand Enron. I sure as heck don’t! It hurts my head to think about it. So, from now on, Enron will be part of my Axis of Evil. I don’t want to hear anything else about Enron, unless our military has pounded it into submission. So, look out, Enron – you’re now part of the
So is the Economy. I don’t like the way this economy is acting; not very American, it’s evil! The economy is now a part of my Axis of Evil.
Also, I don’t like Sen. Tom Daschle. You know why? He’s very critical. You know where that leads him? You got it. He’s now part of the Axis of Evil.
So, a quick recap – that’s Iran, Iraq, Enron, the Economy, and Daschle, and one of those Koreas. They all form a terrible Axis of Evil, standing in the way of all that we as Americans value.
And don’t forget France. The French don’t like me saying “Axis of Evil”, so guess what? They’re now a part of the very same Axis of Evil that they don’t like me saying. How do you like them apples, France? Next time, you keep your mouth shut. You mess with Texas, and it’s straight to the Axis of Evil, got it?
Germany, Italy, Japan – they were the original Axis of Evil. Maybe they thought I would forget, but I didn’t. They’re back in!
Here’s one you probably didn’t expect – Dick Cheney. Now, he’s up to something, and I don’t like it! He’s never around. If I’m in the White House, he’s not. If I’m on a plane, nowhere in sight. He’s very sneaky; not to mention, scary. I’m putting him in the Axis of Evil – for now.
Evil Knievel’s going in the Axis of Evil – but that’s a no-brainer. But Dr. Evil? No; he makes me laugh, so he’s out.
So, you see, America? There’s nothing to fear. Everything’s fine. You go out and buy your new cars, fly on airplanes, and invest in K-Mart. Don’t listen to what the economists say. Why? Because they like math, and math is very much a part of the Axis of Evil.
And you know what else is part of the Axis of Evil? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ dissolve to Officers entering Gator’s white trash kitchen ]
Officer: Police. We got a call about a domestic disturbance.
Gator: Come on in. She won’t come out of the stove.
Officer: Ma’am, why are you in the stove?
Gator’s Wife: Why don’t you ask him. Why don’t you ask him why I’m in the stove.
Gator: She got mad at me ’cause I wanted to do an experiment on her. She been in there for like four hours.
Officer: Ma’am, you ready to come out here and talk this out?
Gator’s Wife: …yeah.
Officer: Do you want to step out of the stove, please?
Gator’s Wife: Okay, I’ll get out of the stove. I’m sorry about this, Officer. Baby, c’mere, honey. I love you… I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SON OF A WHORE! I’M GONNA KILL YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!
Officer: Calm down. Calm down. Alright. Now what’s the story here?
Gator’s Wife: He come home drunk again trying to do some experiment. Some fool at work told him you could rub a balloon on somebody’s head and stick it to the wall.
Gator: It’s called static electricity!
Gator’s Wife: THAT AIN’T REAL!
Officer: Ma’am, static electricity IS real. It’s as real as toothpaste. You should learn about them both.
Gator’s Wife: All I know is, he started searching around lookin’ fer a balloon fer his experiment. Starts going through my boudoirsorie, finds an old condom of mine from like ten years ago and starts going nuts!
Gator: YOU WAS HAVIN’ SEX WITH JESSE AGAIN!
Gator’s Wife: YOU’RE SO STUPID! JESSE HATES CONDOMS! C’mon!
Gator: Officer. Officer. I apologize on behalf of the lady. The truth of the matter is, she’s jealous of my experiments. ‘Cause I’m always thinking about science. I love science. And outer space….and rockets. I believe man is destined to evolve.
Officer: Well, some men are.
Gator’s Wife: I’ll tell you something, I want a big ole strong man like this, I’m gonna git in. I’m gonna drive it. Love it.
Officer: Ma’am, Ma’am please. Let’s keep this personal. I’ve got a beautiful wife and I can’t go home smelling like Jack Daniels and Easy-Off.
Gator: YOU QUIT TOUCHIN’ HIM!
Gator’s Wife: I CAN TOUCH WHOEVER I WANT!!
Gator: YOU’LL TOUCH MY FIST WITH YOUR FEMUR!!
Gator’s Wife: NO!! NO!! C’MON! YOU GIT!
Gator: Officer. Officer. Please. Let me talk to my woman. I’m a peaceful man. I like winter. I like fountains. I don’t wanna cause no trouble. Just let me talk to my woman if I might.
OFFICER 2: Alright, but no fighting.
Gator: No, sir. I love you so much…
Gator’s Wife: I HATE YOU!
GATOR spits in WIFE’s face
Officer: Aww, no spitting. Hey. Hey. Hey. Aww. No spitting.
[Light flute music plays as we fade in on a shot of a pink and purple dollhouse in a girls room]
Announcer: And now we go inside Barbies Dreamhouse!
[ open on Barbie, wearing a green nightgown with clear high heels, trying on one of her hair gems and looking at herself in the mirror ]
Barbie: Skipper, do you think this hair gem makes me look old?
[Skipper enters the room, wearing a pink, see-through negligee]
Skipper: [ cheerfully ] No, Barbie, don’t be silly!
Barbie: Skipper, I’m 43. At some point, a glow-in-the-dark, dark crystal, bejeweled butterfly tiara is.. is just a little ridiculous.
Skipper: [changes the subject] Can I have the keys to the ‘Vette? I’m going out.
Barbie: [ stern ] Not like that, you’re not.
Skipper: It’s a post-pajama fun party!
Barbie: Mmm-hmm.. [points to Skippers bare feet] Youre not even wearing shoes!
Skipper: [ looks down ] I lost all my shoes.
Barbie: Who’s gonna be at this “pajama fun party”?
Skipper: Everybody!
Barbie: Who’s “everybody”?
Skipper: Well, Jam ‘N Glam Theresa, and Ski Sensation [hesitates] Kira, and Glitter Fun Kristy, and Ethnic Kristy.
Barbie: Are there gonna be boys there? Action guys?
Skipper: [ naive ] I don’t know..
Barbie: Who’s gonna be there? X-Men? Rescue Heroes? Ultimate Soldier?
Skipper: I don’t know.. there might be some collectible Hobbits.
Barbie: [puts her foot down] No way! You’re not going!
Skipper: What are you talking about?
Barbie: You’re staying here, and you’re staying out of trouble!
Skipper: Barbie, you’re not the boss of me!
Barbie: I don’t want you making the same mistakes I made!
Skipper: Barbie, I’m nothing like you!
Barbie: You are just like me, Skipper! You’re my daughter!
Skipper: [stands up, stunned over the news] What did you say?
Barbie: Skipper, Skipper.. [ they both walk behind the Barbie couch ] I’m your mother. [holds Skipper by the upper arms]
Skipper: No, you’re not! [shoves Barbies hands away from her] You’re my sophisticated older sister, Barbie!
Barbie: Honey, I know it’s always been “Skipper! She’s Barbie’s little sister!” “Barbie’s kid sis, Skipper!” But you’re old enough to know nowI’m your mother. Haven’t you ever wondered why we look so much alike? Or why we’re both double-jointed?
[ they each lift a leg clear past their head ]
Skipper: Oh, my God! You told me mom died in an Easy-Bake Oven accident.
Barbie: Sit down, sweetheart..
[ they drop their legs back into place, then walk around to sit on the couch ]
Barbie: I’m sorry I told you those thinga. I was young.. I was alone.. G.I. Joe was in Vietnam.. Ken was in Canada.
Skipper: So, so, does this mean Ken’s my father?
Barbie: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. [laughs] Kens not your father. The 70’s were a crazy time! I experimented a lot. Your father is a Han Solo action figure.
Skipper: [horrified by the revelation] He’s not even our scale! What kind of slutare you?!
[ Barbie gasps and slaps Skipper across the face. Skipper falls over with a dazed stare on her face ]
Barbie: How dare you talk to me like that! I have given my whole life to getting you the best of everything! Don’t you have a Sparkle Fantast Unicorn! Don’t you live in a Dream House!
Skipper: It’s not my dream! It’s your dream!
[ Barbie runs across the room and cries rapidly while Skipper cries on the couch ]
[ A moody Ken enters and slams the door behind him]
Ken: Hello.
Barbie: What, Ken?
Ken: I need my tux.
Barbie: Fine!
Ken: Where?
Barbie: Upstairs.
Ken: You.. look tired.
Barbie: Ken, please..
[ Ken turns and exits upstairs ]
[ Barbie strolls back over to Skipper ]
Barbie: Did you know how many jobs I took to take care of you? I was a teacher, a ballerina, an astronaut, a princess, a competitive skater. [sits down next to Skipper] Don’t you remember that time I was a business lady? I had a suit and a briefcase! I raised those Lhasa Apsos for a whilethat was a bust. It was all for you, because I love you. [ extends a stiff arm to stroke Skipper’s hair ]
Skipper: I’m gonna need some time to process this.
[ Ken returns downstairs carrying a suit in a pink dry-cleaning bag]
Ken: Don’t call me. I’ll be in Malibu.
Barbie: Ken! What have you got in there? Is that one of my Bob Mackies?
Ken: [quickly] No. [ runs ]
Barbie: Sneaky little queen!
Ken: Plastic bitch! [ exits quickly ]
Barbie: [ grabs Skipper’s hands ] Sweetheart.. go to your party, okay? Have a good time, and we’ll talk when you get back.
Skipper: [ shakes head] No. I want to stay here with you.. Mom.
Barbie: [ elated ] Mom?
Skipper: We could brush each other’s hair!
Barbie: I’d really like that!
[ they stand up and retrieve the Barbie hairbrush from the coffee table ]
Skipper: Hey, Mom? Kelly and [flubs saying Baby Chrissy] Baby ReallyChrissy, they’re not really your sisters, though, are they?
Barbie: [ as she combs Skipper’s hair ] No. Kelly and Baby Chrissy aren’t my sisters. I-I had a threeway with some Power Rangers.
[Skipper shakes her head as Barbie brushes her hair]
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Air Date:
Jennifer’s BootySummary: Will Ferrell gushes over Jennifer Lopez’s booty, while Tracy Morgan plots to take over his impression of President George W. Bush.
