Category: 2006

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Jojo the Valet

Mrs. Stansfield…..Kristen Wiig
Ashley…..Drew Barrymore
Jojo…..Amy Poehler
Randall…..Will Forte
Boss…..Bill Hader
Jorge…..Fred Armisen

[ open on exterior, country club ]

[ dissolve to close-up exterior of the main clubhouse, where Mrs. Stansfield and Ashley stand on the walk waiting for their cars ]

Mrs. Stansfield: I’ll be honest, Ashley – when I suggested we play tennis, my motives were to cheer you up, post-divorce. But you’re so absolutely vibrant, that I’m thinking I should rid myself of David!

[ they share the laugh ]

Ashley: You are too sweet – I’m lucky to have a friend like you!

Mrs. Stansfield: The whole thing is so exciting. I keep thinking I should rid myself of David!

Ashley: [ laughs ] O-kay! You said that!

Mrs. Stansfield: Ha, did I?

Ashley: Yeah.

Mrs. Stansfield: Well, I won’t blame that on my booze problem.

[ Jojo the valet runs up with Mrs. Stansfield’s keys ]

Jojo: Here’s your keys, Mrs. Stansfield!

Mrs. Stansfield: Thank you.

[ Mrs. Stansfield hobbles off to her car ]

Jojo: Jorge will be right here with your car, Mrs. Sanderson.

Ashley: Thank you, Jojo. But it’s not “Mrs. Sanderson” any more. You can call me “Ashley.”

Jojo: Oh, yeah. Word’s out about that. Guess you’re a single lady now.

Ashley: Looks like it.

[ Jojo blows air between his lips, in nervous anticipation ]

Jojo: Oh, boy.. I want — [ stops himself, pounds his fist and paces nervously ]

Ashley: I’m.. sorry, jojo?

Jojo: Nothing.. it’s nothing. Don’t say it, Jojo, DON’T SAY IT!! [ pounds his fist again, and struggles uncofortably in front of Ashley ]

Ashley: [ lightly primps her hair ] Is there something that you want to say, Jojo?

Jojo: [ lets out a light primal scream ] I’m not good with words!

Ashley: Just say it, Jojo.

Jojo: I want to lay you. I want to lay on top of you! I love you. [ winces ] Ughhh!! Too SOON, Jojo!!

Ashley: Oh, Jojo..

Jojo: Look! I know I’m not handsome! Or smart! Or rich! Or have opinions! Or read the paper! Or dress well! Or smell nice! But I’m SCRAPPY!! I can get in and out of tight situations – bing, bang, go Jojo!!

Ashley: Jojo! I’m very flattered! But —

Jojo: I want to — I want to GET on you! Okay? I want to get.. on top of you.. so you feel all ninety pounds of Jojo! [ pounds his fist again ]

Ashley: Aw, Jojo, there is an excellent chance that I might be getting back together with my husband. The divorce isn’t final.

Jojo: I don’t have a fancy house. Or a house. But I do know this: your boobs. I want to touch them. For hours! Juggle ’em.. smash ’em together.. start with your boobs – oh, this isn’t coming out right! [ pounds his fist and turns away ]

[ Randall exits the club house ]

Randall: [ speaking with a high-pitched, snooty pitch ] Ashley? How are you?

Ashley: Well, hello, Randall!

Randall: I’m so sorry to hear about you and Jonathan..

Ashley: Yeah..

Jojo: [ protecting his turf ] Hey, hey, hey, hey! We’re having a conversation here!

Randall: Oh. Hello, Jojo. Could you grab my car for me?

Jojo: [ to himself ] Alright, Jojo.. what does Jojo do..? Let me tell you something – part of me wants to KICK your car, and I want to keep my job — but the other part of me wants to stay here and protect my lady!

Ashley: I’ll be fine, Jojo.

Jojo: [ points a menacing finger at Randall ] YOU!! You DON’T.. HURT HER!! [ runs off to grab his car ]

Randall: Jojo, your behavior is highly inappropriate! [ ] So, Ashley – if it’s not too soon, perhaps you and I could, uh.. maybe go out —

Jojo: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, buddy! You want your keys? Hmm? You want your keys? [ flings them to the treet ] Go get ’em!

Randall: [ aghast ] Jojo! [ storms off ] I’m annoyed..

Jojo: [ touches his hand to Ashley’s neck ] What did he do to you?

Ashley: Nothing.

Jojo: Did he hurt you? Did he — did he put his – his hands on you?

Ashley: No, I — no — I — nothing. I think that you’re a very nice man —

Jojo: [ turns his head and smiles ] When you talk, it’s so beautiful. It’s like you’re puking rainbows!

[ Jojo’s Boss pokes his head out from inside the club house ]

Boss: Jojo! A squirrel is loose in the air conditioning vent, and you’re the only one small enough to crawl in and catch it.

Jojo: You got it, Boss!

Boss: Thank you, Jojo. [ retreats inside ]

Jojo: [ to Ashley, suavely ] Listen to me. I’m gonna go catch that squirrel.. and then I’m gonna go catch your heart. Promise me — promise me you’ll give me a chance.

Ashley: I promise.

Jojo: [ pumped up, shadow boxes his fists triumphantly ] Jojo! [ holds his hands before Ashley’s breasts ] I LOVE those! [ enters the clubhouse ]

[ Ashley is alone, until Jorge the valet runs up a moment later, smiling ]

Ashley: Jorge! Where have you been? You’ve been gone so long! [ embraces Jorge and hugs him passionately ]

Jorge: [ proudly ] I find a car!

Ashley: Oh, God, it was horrible! I thought he knew about us. Now, take me home, Jorge. [ looks him in the eye ] You know what I want!

Jorge: [ beams ] Yuggle googs?

Ashley: Yes, Jorge! Juggle boobs! Let’s go!

Jorge: Okay!

[ Ashley drags Jorge off the set ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
…..Andy Samberg
…..Amy Poehler
…..Will Forte
Audience Member…..Fred Armisen
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you! Wow! It is GREAT to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, for the fifth time! [ audience cheers ] I can’t believe it! Honestly, it feels like I’ve hosted five-hundred times, but.. I’m really bad at estimating. I love this show so much, because it’s >regular comedy, and I tend to do a lot of romantic comedies. Now, I love rmantic comedies, but you get a little tired of the old boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl storylines. So, anyway — I mean, I actually did just get a script for a boy-who-meets-three girls, but I think you can only see that in a hotel room. [ light chuckles from the audience ]

Now.. I know, tonight, that they’re actually planning a little surprise for me. They have a thing called the Five-Timers Club, so.. follow me, I’d like to take you there.

[ Drew steps off Home Base and heads to the back hall of Studio 8H ]

Drew Barrymore: My first show was in 1982, when I was 7 years old. I had just done the movie “E.T.” —

[ as Drew enters the hallway, Andy Samberg comes rushing through from the opposite direction. They crash into one another, spilling andy’s paperwork all over the floor. ]

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my gosh!

Andy Samberg: Oh!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, Andy – I’m so sorry!

Andy Samberg: It’s okay.

Drew Barrymore: I’m sorry —

[ they both kneel to the ground to pick up Andy’s papers. As they do, their eyes meet and the lights turn low. Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” begins to play over them. ]

Andy Samberg: Uh — hey, Drew?

Drew Barrymore: Yeah?

Andy Samberg: There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you all week.

Drew Barrymore: What?

Andy Samberg: Will you have dinner with me tonight.

Drew Barrymore: It’s, uh — 11:30. I’ve already had dinner.

Andy Samberg: A girl like you deserves two dinners.

Drew Barrymore: [ smiles ] Okay. It’s a date.

Andy Samberg: Okay, great!

Drew Barrymore: Okay. Here – I’ll take some of these for you —

Andy Samberg: Okay. Good.

Drew Barrymore: Okay. Bye!

[ they continue along opposite paths down the hall. Drew squeals as she runs into Amy Poehler further down the hall. ]

Amy Poehler: Hey, Drew!

Drew Barrymore: [ giddy ] Hi, Amy!

Amy Poehler: What’s gotten into you? You look so happy!

Drew Barrymore: Andy just asked me out!

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! That’s, like, totally awesome!

Drew Barrymore: I know! I mean, I finally feel like I’ve met a guy who I really belong with. Someone I can trust!

Amy Poehler: Aww!

[ Drew stops dead in her tracks, looks offscreen and gasps ]

Amy Poehler: What’s wrong?

[ the camera turns sharply across the hall, where Andy is making out with Kristen Wiig ]

Drew Barrymore: Nooo! [ runs down the hall ]

Amy Poehler: Awww..

[ Drew runs into Will Forte at the end of the doorway ]

Will Forte: Well, well, well! Hello there, beautiful lady!

Drew Barrymore: [ distracted ] Not now, Will.

Will Forte: Have you, uh, reconsidered my offer – a night of sweet lovemaking?

Drew Barrymore: No.

Will Forte: Look, a ltitle piece of advice for you: you cna spend the rest of your life looking for Mr. Right, and possibly die alone. Or you can spend one night.. with this. [ draws a circle around his face with his hand ] Your call.

Drew Barrymore: [ relunctant ] Okay, you win. What time?

Will Forte: Well, I have a 1:45 lovemaking already scheduled, so let’s go with 1:40.

Drew Barrymore: Okay.. I can do that..

[ Andy runs into the scene ]

Andy Samberg: Drew! I need to talk to you!

Drew Barrymore: I never want to talk to you again! [ retreats down the hall ]

Andy Samberg: Drew! Wait! [ starts to run after her ]

Will Forte: [ holds andy back ] Hold it right there, Samberg – is there a problem?

Andy Samberg: Yeah. I was rehearsing a scene with Kristen, but I think Drew thought we were actually kissing.

Will Forte: Well, that’s too bad, because Drew is with me now, okay? And I intend to make love to her in multiple positions. Do you know what “mutliple positions” means, Samberg?

Andy Samberg: Yes.

Will Forte: Two positions – minimum! See you later, Samberg! [ exits down hall ]

[ Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Just Like a Star” plays over Andy’s recollection of the romantic events of the past few minutes – the crash, the illicit kiss, the chase, etc. Andy wipes a tear from his eyes. ]

[ dissolve to Drew back at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: I was so afraid that this would happen. This is exactly what I didn’t want. Anyway, you know what? I think I’m just gonna take some questions from the audience. Uh – does anyone have any questions?

Audience Member: Oh! Yes, yes! [ stands ] Hi! Uh – I’m a huge, huge fan of the movie “Boys on the Side.” But I noticed some mistakes – for example, with the editing —

Voice: I have a question!

[ cut to Andy, holding up a boombox like John Cusack outside Ione Skye’s window in “Say Anything” ]

Drew Barrymore: Andy!

Audience Member: [ frowns ] I guess it’s your turn now. [ sits ]

Andy Samberg: When two people are MEANT to be together, shouldn’t they FIGHT through whatever obstacles stand in their way?

Drew Barrymore: I don’t want to get hurt again, Andy. [ Andy joins her onstage ] You’re soaking wet. Is it raining outside?

Andy Samberg: No, I just dunked my head in a bucket of water. Look – about earlier —

Drew Barrymore: Shh. You had me at “bucket.”

[ they kiss passionately ]

[ cut to Kristen standing next to a weepy Will ]

Kristen Wiig: You really loved her, didn’t you?

Will Forte: Yes!

Kristen Wiig: You know, they say sometimes the person you’re meant to be with.. is standing beside you the whole time. [ coquettishly faces away from Will ]

Will Forte: [ looks at Kristen and smiles ] You’re right! I’ve been such a fool! [ ignores Kristen, turns in the opposite direction to face Kenan Thompson ] Kenan? Lovemaking?

Kenan Thompson: Money up front?

Will Forte: I wouldn’t have it any other way!

[ Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”, from “Mannequin”, plays over the scene as they hug passionately ]

Drew Barrymore: We have a great show for you tonight! Lily Allen is here, so stick around! We’ll be right back!

[ camera pulls back, pans over to the next stage and immediately into the next sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Lily Allen performs “Smile”

…..Drew Barrymore
…..Lily Allen

Drew Barrymore: Ladies and gentlemen – Lily Allen.

Lily Allen: [ singing ]
“When you first left me, I was wanting more
But you were doing that girl next door, what’d’ya do that for
When you first left me, I didn’t know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day.

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end.
And now you’re calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it’s only because you’re feeling alone.

At first, when I see you cry,
Yeah, it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst, I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile.

Now whenever you see me, you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don’t mean jack, no it don’t mean jack
I couldn’t stop laughing, no I just could help myself
See you messed up my mental health, I was quite unwell.

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end.
And now you’re calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it’s only because you’re feeling alone.

At first, when I see you cry,Yeah, it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst, I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile.

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala

At first, when I see you cry,Yeah, it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst, I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile.

At first, when I see you cry,Yeah, it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst, I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile.

At first.. when I see you cry.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Poison Therapy

Written by: Jim Cashman

Therapist…..Kristen Wiig
Robin…..Drew Barrymore
Dean…..Will Forte

[open on therapy session ]

Therapist: Now, at our last session, you two said you were going to work on communication. How’s that been going?

Robin: Good. I think my anger towards Dean has really decreased, and I think that’s because we’ve been.. relating to each other in ways that aren’t.. confrontational.

Therapist: Good. Good. Dean, would you agree?

[ cut to close-up of Dean, whose face is severely scarred ]

Dean: Well.. she’s still poisoning me.. as you can see.

Therapist: Okay. Let’s deal with that. Robin, we’ve talked about that in past sessions. Are you still poisoning Dean?

[ Dean gives her a worried look. Robin offers no response. ]

Therapist: Okay. Let’s deal with feelings. Dean, how does the fact that Robin continue to poison you on a daily basis make you feel?

Dean: Well, uh, first off – I don’t know if it’s a daily thing, you know? That’s the nature of dioxin poisoning – it could be every day, it could be every other day. I don’t think it’s every day.

Robin: It’s not every day.

Dean: Good. Good. That’s progress. You know, uh, as to how it makes me feel — aside from the pain, and the vomiting, the facial disfigurement – I guess I’m disappointed? Uh – you know, because I feel like I’ve been trying to communicate better, and – and be a better listener to her.

Robin: And he really has been. He’s been really great. He’s been.. really great.

Dean: Okay.

Therapist: Then, why are you still poisoning him?

Robin: I don’t know. I mean, sometimes it’s just the little things – you know, like, I always do the laundry. [ sighs ] And that’s fine, I don’t mind. But if he could just acknowledge that and say, “Thank you.” I don’t know.

Therapist: Okay. Dean?

Dean: Well, she’s right. You know? I-I-I do take that for granted. But I kinda feel like, there’s always going to be something. You know? I-I-I’m not perfect.. and, if I mess up just a little bit, she’s gonna put a bunch of poison into my food.

Therapist: Do you hear what he’s saying, Robin. Do you think that’s accurate?

Robin: I-I do put poison in his food, so.. I can understand why he feels that way.

Dean: [ impressed ] You do?

Robin: Of course, I do.

Dean: Wow! You know, I-I-I didn’t think she’d say that. I-I guess I never know where I stand with her. You know? For example, last Sunday, we had a great day. You know, it was just the two of us, w-w-we took the dog for a walk, we had a picnic — it was just like when we started dating. And then when we get home, and she goes to the kitchen and writes on the grocery list – in big, red letters – “Dioxin.”

Robin: I was kidding. That was a joke.

Therapist: Robin, why would you joke about something like that?

Robin: [ sighs ] I think that I felt that, because we had such a good day, it would be funny. And it would be something he wouldn’t be expecting, and it would make him laugh.

Therapist: Dean? Did you know it was a joke.

Dean: No, I did not. But, uh – you know, looking back, I can see the humor in it. “Dioxin!” [ smiles, laughs ]

Therapist: I think they’re might be, uh — I think they’re might be something deeper going on here.

Robin: [ nods ] I think you’re right. I mean, we’ve talked about it in previous sessions, about me needing to feel more secure, and I haven’t been lately. I’ve had a lot of anxiety.

Therapist: About what?

Robin: Mostly financial. The bills are piling up, and Dean hasn’t been working lately, so.. that all falls on me.

Therapist: Dean?

Dean: Well, she’s right. I-I haven’t been working much. But I’m a – a model. And.. you know, would you hire a model that looked like this?

Robin: [ angered ] So, EVERYTHING is my fault! It’s ALL my fault!

Dean: [ whiny ] I did not say that!

Therapist: alright, alright. I’m gonna tell you — I’m gonna tell you what I see. Despite all the issues — the laundry, the money, the poisoning — I think the fact that you two come in here every week and try to work it out, speaks VOLUMES about how much you guys love each other. Do you agree?

Robin: [ considers the thought, smiles ] I do.

Dean: [ nods ] Yeah.

Therapist: Now, look at each other and say it.

Dean: I love you, honey.

Robin: I love you.

Therapist: Oh!

[ Dean and Robin kiss; afterwards, she attempts to lick the extract poison off her lips ]

Therapist: Great! I think this was a very – a very, very productive session. When will I see you guys again? Will I see you guys next week?

Dean: [ optimistic ] I hope so.

Robin: [ arms folded ] I’ll call you.

[ zoom out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

An SNL Digital Short: Body Fuzion

Written by: Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph

Desiree…..Drew Barrymore
Donna…..Maya Rudolph
Michelle…..Kristen Wiig
Donna M…..Amy Poehler

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ cut to full-framed videotape presentation, with SUPER: “Body Fuzion Low Impact Workout” over jazzy piano music. Note that the picture contrast level occasionally fades in and out. ]

[ cut to workout studio scene, four women dressed in 80’s exercise garb ]

Desiree: [ cheery ] I’m Desiree. And this.. is “Body Fuzion.” [ close-up ] Do you want to meet my friends?

[ cut to close-up of Donna ]

Donna: Donna.

[ cut to close-up of Michelle ]

Michelle: Michelle.

[ cut to close-up of Donna M. ]

Donna M.: Donna.

[ cut to group shot ]

Desiree: Let’s begin. This is a Low Impact, Level One workout. But, just because it’s Low Impact, doesn’t mean you won’t get —

[ cut to Desiree poking her head between Donna M.’s legs ]

Desiree: — high results!

[ card: “First Exercise: “Steps” ” ]

[ cut to close-up of Desiree ]

Desiree: Our first exercise.. is called “The Step.”

[ cut to group shot of the women performing the exercise ]

Desiree: Step left.. step right.. left.. right.

[ cut to close-up of Donna ]

Donna: WHOO!!!

[ close-up full shot of Desiree performing the exercise, her spandexed breasts jiggling ]

Desiree: Left.. right.

[ cut to extreme close-up of Desiree ]

Desiree: If this is not challenging enough, watch Michell show you the “advanced” style.

[ cut to Michelle putting an extra sashay into the exercise move ]

Desiree V/O: Left.. right.. left.. or —

[ cut to close-up of Desiree ]

Desiree: Take it easy, and do it easier like Donna M.

[ cut to Donna M. performing the same exercise with an extra-slow sashay ]

Desiree V/O: Left.. right.. left.. right.. left.. right.. left.. left —

[ as Desiree’s voice gives the commands, a series of shots are jump-cut — Donna’s hips swaying, Michelle’s breasts swaying, Donna M.’s hips swaying, Desiree’s breasts swaying ]

[ Michelle wipes her brow with a smile ]

[ cut to close-up of Desiree ]

Desiree: This aligns our shockras [?] and helps oxygenate blood.

[ card: “Muscle Fitness” ]

[ Desiree walks over to Michelle and places her arms on her shoulders ]

Desiree: Let’s tone our arms. You can use weights, or any household item.

Michelle: For a more advanced workout, use one-pound hand weights!

[ cut to Michelle’s arms holding the hand-weights at knee level, as she slowly lifts them up past her crotch and breasts and up to her slyly-grinning face ]

[ cut to Donna ]

Donna: Pencils! [ show Donna lifting the pencil hand-weights ]

[ cut to Donna M. ]

Donna M.: Or air. [ she mimes lifting air hand-weights ]

[ card: “Flexibility” ]

[ cut to Desiree leaning against the fireplace ]

Desiree: Flexibility is important. [ she raises her above her head ] Breathe. And, one.. two.. three.

[ cut to Donna performing the exercise ]

Desiree V/O: Do the best you can.

[ cut to Michelle performing the exercise — as she raises her leg, a pixelized circle covers her exposed crotch ]

Desiree V/O: Someone has done this before!

[ cut back to Desiree at the fireplace, still with her leg raised high ]

Desiree: Take it to the limit.

[ cut to close-up of Desiree, as she raises her leg straight to the ceiling and proceeds to bend it completely clockwise ]

Desiree: If this is too difficult.. work your fingers.

[ cut to Donna M. stretched across the floor, two fingers dressed in tights and stretching along the length of her buttocks ]

[ SUPER: “Fitness is important” ]

[ card: “Good Job” ]

[ this part of the tape is clearly damaged from overuse, as lines begin to bounce along the top and bottom of the screen for a few seconds ]

[ cut to Desiree ]

Desiree: That’s all for today. Put in Tape 2 for an even lower level body workout.

[ cut to group shot ]

Desiree: [ points at camera ] “Body Fuzion!” Yaaaayyyyyy!!!!

[ all four women dance and jiggle with excitement, occasionally hugging one another, bouncing their hips together, and rubbing each other’s buttocks ]

[ freeze-frame, with credits: “(c) 1986 Hollywood Productions Inc. & WGBH Boston” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12


]]>

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Barbara Birmingham…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:

Senator Barack Obama proposed. for the first time. setting a deadline for withdrawing troops from Iraq as part of a broader plan aimed at bolstering his foreign policy credentials. Because if you don’t know your foreign policy, you might only get elected President twice.

Sunday’s Super Bowl game between the Indianapolis Colts and the Chicago Bears was unexpectedly canceled today, when the two teams signed a treaty and declared an end to hostilities.

Seth Meyers: In an interview Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney acknowledged that an aircraft carrier sent to the Persian Gulf sends Iran a strong message that says “Wwe’re here to stay.” Because nothing says “We’re here to stay” like a boat.

Scientists from 113 countries issued a landmark report Friday, saying that they are 90% certain that recent global warming had been caused by man. Specifically, this man: [ reveal picture of Seth cuddling with a tiger ]

Amy Poehler: [ rolling her eyes ] Gross.

Seth Meyers: You like it!

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Ugh.

Researchers in West Virginia announced Friday the results of a study that suggest playing the video game “Dance, Dance Revolution” improves the health of overweight kids. Though not as much as its rival game, “Hamburger on a String.”

In her first interview since leaving rehab, Miss USA Tara Conner told People magazine that she’s dabbled in cocaine. Though in her defense, it was during the “cocaine-dabbling” segment of the Miss USA Pageant.

Seth Meyers: To promote the launch of Microsoft’s new Vista operating system, performers from the Grounded Aerial Dance Theater danced across a seven-story building in Manhattan. Wow! One of Manhattan’s famed seven-story buildings!

Amy Poehler: Earlier this week, a bill was introduced in the California State Assembly, banning spanking of any child under age three, even between a parent and child. Here with a comment is our very own Update Nanny, Barbara Birmingham.

Barbara Birmingham: [ removes her cigarette and blows smoke ] Mmm-mmm-mmm. Amy! I been NOT takin’ mess from kids for twenty-five years! And let me tell you something, straight up and down: this spankin’ ban is DOO-DOO!! Every child that has been reared from these upper bosoms — [ cups her upper bosoms ] has gone on to MAKE something of themselves! Primarily due to the use of my special techniques, held within my book — [ holds up her book ] “I Will Beat Yo Ass!” by Barbara Birmingham. An easyreading autobiography.

Seth Meyers: [ he just has to ask: ] Why do you have an autobiography?

Barbara Birmingham: [ lunges across the Update desk towards Seth ] HEY, PUNK!!

[ Amy holds Barbara back as she yells unintelligibly at a stunned Seth. Barbra finally retreats back to her seat. ]

Barbara Birmingham: As I was saying.. Kids are real smartasses these days! So you have to be JUST as smart. [ holds up a baby doll ] Let’s just suppose that this adorable fake baby is your child, and it come to you looking for a midnight snack. [ turns to Amy ] Here — you be the mommy.

Amy Poehler: Okay..

Barbara Birmingham: [ motioning the baby doll ] “Mommy, Mommy! I want some ice cream! I want somwe ice cream!” Now, you respond.

Amy Poehler: Oh. Um — [ with great sincerity: ] “Now, Benjamin.. didn’t we have a talk about that?”

Barbara Birmingham: You askin’?! No, no, no, no, no! That’s not how we do it. Let me show you what we do this one: [ taps her lit cigarette, then puffs it within a foot of the baby doll, blows and fans smoke into its face, and finally speaks in a slow monotone ] You ask me about ice cream one more time, and I’m gonna slap the taste buds out your mouth! Then, whatcha gonna need with ice cream when you ain’t got no TASTE BUDS?!!”

Amy Poehler: That is horrible!

Barbara Birmingham: That is.. discipline!

Amy Poehler: What if we don’t want to do that?

Barbara Birmingham: [ holds up her book ] I will beat yo ass!

Amy Poehler: Barbara Birmingham, everybody. Thank you.

Seth Meyers: A church in upstate New York is hosting a “Porn and Pancakes” breakfast to discuss the impact of pornography on society. It’s expected to be much more successfully than the previous breakfast, which was just “Pancakes.”

On Monday, Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized, eight months after fracturing his leg during the Preakness. Kind of like my grandma — minus the part about winning anything. Unless you consider osteoporosis the prize for Least Milk Consumption. Anyway, we’ll miss you Barbaro. But not you, Grandma. You were a loser to the end.

Amy Poehler: This week, the Pedro Almodóvar film, “Volver”, won for Best Film at Spain’s Goya Awards. For which it received the coveted Goya. [ reveal photo of Goya-brand beans mounted on a trophy ]

Seth Meyers: It was reported that a convicted sex offender won 14 million dollars in Florida’s lottery. The man says he will spend the money on a puppy and a van.

Prince Charles and his wife Camilla were in New York last weekend and spent time in Harlem, where the Prince played basketball. While Camilla sat motionless on the sidelines, frozen with fear.

Amy Poehler: A Belgian school is allowing students older than 16 to smoke on campus, as long as they stand in a cage and wear a badge displaying an X-ray image of tobacco-damaged lungs. Said the students, “Okay.”

Seth Meyers: A new study suggests that lavendar and tetri oils, found in some shampoos and soaps and lotions can, in rare cases, temporarily leave boys with enlarged breasts.

Amy Poehler: Uh, Seth, uh — does it mention, uh, you know, specific brands or anything?

Seth Meyers: No.

Amy Poehler: Oh. Okay. Does it work on girls? Oh, you don’t — you don’t know! Okay. Cool! [ chuckles ] Just curious — you know, about science! Curious lie a cat! [ holds up her hands and lets out a roar ]

Seth Meyers: [ consoles Amy ] I’m sure you can get some —

Amy Poehler: HOW DARE YOU?!! [ scowls ] Next joke, please! [ smiles ]

The New Jersey Nets, this week, unveiled their new senior dance group that consists of members who range in age from 59 to 83. When asked what the group would wear, one member said, “Depends.”

Two lesbians have formed Mexico’s first gay civil union in a landmark ceremony. Learn all about it on the new Showtime series, “The El Word.”

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Versace Super Bowl Party

Donatella Versace….Maya Rudolph
Prince….Fred Armisen
Posh Spice….Drew Barrymore
David Beckham….Seth Meyers
Sir Elton John….Horatio Sanz

[Opens with bumping techno music and models walking the fashion runways]

Announcer: Versace. Extravagance. Decadence. Donatella Versace.

[Hunky, fruity, beefed up man-servants wearing football pads and short shorts vogue and carryDonatella Cleopatra style into her living room]

Donatella Versace:[slow, tired voice] Hello everybody, hello. Your old friend Donatella here. Now, I know you haven’t seen me for a while. It’s because I was in rehab for about 2 years. I had to go into the tank to cure my problem with cigarettes, champagne and telling people to get out. But the good news is I’m completely cured. [Man-servants give her a lit cigarette and a glass of champagne]Oh, thank you my babies. Now, GET OUT!!![Man-servants leave]Any foo-foo, welcome to my Super Bowl Party where we smoke, look good and watch football. I want you to meet my buddy who I watch all my ball games with. Believe me there’s no bigger football buff on earth than this guy. PRINCE!Predictions!

[Androgynous Prince sits on the sofa in his purple suit. Talks into his microphone, organ plays]

Prince: Dearly beloved![echoes]dearly beloved! We are gathered here today to listen my Super Bowl predictions. The Colts.

Donatella Versace: Wait a minute, Prince. Aren’t you supposed to be doing the half time show.[Prince has disappeared]Hey, where the hell did Prince go? All right, [sits and smokes]I got some snacks.[DING -DONG Doorbell]Oh, great. Who the “f” could that be?

[Door opens with power couple Posh Spice and David Beckham, a lot of paparazzi pushing through the door, cameras flashing]

Donatella Versace: Oh, look I forgot I invited Posh and Becks.

Posh Spice: [thick British accent]Can we invite the paparazzi in?

Donatella Versace: Chicken and a biscuit! Don’t make me tell you to get out before you even come in. Oh, the lights!! I’m allergic to the LIGHTS! Get in here, quickly![Door is closed, Posh and Becks sit down]Have some Tostitos Scoops.

David Beckham: [very nasal tone of voice]Thank you for inviting us.

Donatella Versace: Oh, my God!, is that really your voice or are you playing some cruel joke on me?

David Beckham: No. That is really my voice.

Posh Spice: Isn’t it sexy?

Donatella Versace: No. Dear Googa-Mooga! It sounds like the fattest man sitting on a million tiny balloons.

David Beckham: Thank You.

Donatella Versace: Your idea of a compliment is very different from mine, dumb ass.

Posh Spice: Donatella, what are these?

Donatella Versace: Chicken wings.

Posh Spice: What are they made of?

Donatella Versace: Chicken.

Posh Spice: Oh, that’s too bad because I don’t eat meat or vegetables or grains or liquids or dairy or…

Donatella Versace:[lifting tray with chicken wings]Please, try one. I insi-i-i-i-st!!

Posh Spice: No, thank you.

Donatella Versace: EAT!! EAT IT!! PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND EAT THE CHICKEN WING!!!! EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT!!!!!!

[Posh licks a chicken wing]

Posh Spice: I’m full.

Donatella Versace: Jumpin Jehosaphat! You need to actually eat. You look like a pencil with two blood oranges glued to the top. Oh, and you! Close your shirt! I’m getting massive chest glare!!

David Beckham: But I’m freshly waxed.

Donatella Versace: Oh,gosh! You guys are really boring! If you were a football team you would be “Da Boooores” Now, GET OUT!!![The power couple leave] That’s been fantastic. Well, it’s officially time for some football. Donatella’s ready.[sips champagne]

[Enters Elton John holding a big bowl and wearing a black Bears jersey]

Elton John: [sings]”Someone saved my life tonight…

Donatella Versace: Holy crap! It can’t be!

Elton John: Hello Donatella. Long time no see. I brought you some of Mama John’s delicious red hot chili bean and cheese dip. Except I replaced the cheese with more beans.

Donatella Versace: Oh, my God! Why do you eat so many beans, queen?

Elton John: Because they are a musical fruit. And so am I.[smiles]

Donatella Versace: So it’s true. You really are what you eat.

Elton John: Yes, Donatella. That is why you are a gigantic wiener.

Donatella Versace: Are you saying I eat gigantic wieners?

Elton John: Yes, constantly.

Donatella Versace: So, do you have a gigantic wiener for me?

Elton John: Yes, but I only put mine in buns.

[They share a curious look]

Donatella Versace: You crazy bitch. I’ve missed you so much. [kisses both cheeks]

Elton John: OK, hey Donatella. Hey, it’s time for a pass.[takes out football] Go for a long one!

Donatella Versace: That’s what she said.[Football bounces off her head]

Elton John: Sorry, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: No worries. You know how much I love balls flying at my face.

Elton John: Me too.

[They both stare lovingly into the camera]

Donatella Versace: Well, Auntie Mame. Any prediction for the Super Bowl?

Elton John: When it comes to the big game. I always go with the defense and the strong running attack.[Sings like one of his tunes]”And I guess that’s why I’m picking The Bears/ 44-10/Yes, I’m picking The Bea-a-a-a-ars!!

Donatella Versace: Please everyone, enjoy the stupid game and get out.

[Techno music plays and man-servants vogue while Elton throws the football again at Donatella, she drops the ball]

Caption: VERSACE SUPER BOWL PARTY

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Guest Writers:


February 10th, 2007

Forest Whitaker

Keith Urban

None

None

Jim Cashman
Happy Valentine’s Day from the Cheney FamilySummary: Dick (Darrell Hammond) and Lynne Cheney (Kristen Wiig) read from the various Valentine’s Day cards they’ve received.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

Transcript

Montage

Forest Whitaker’s MonologueSummary: Forest Whitaker and Maya Rudolph sing “Get Ready.”

Bio: Forest Whitaker (1961). Actor; entered college on a football scholarship, yet focused on music and trained as an operatic tenor before turning his interests toward acting; films include: “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” (1982), “Platoon” (1986), and “Good Morning, Vietnam” (1987); Oscar-nominated for his portrayal of Idi Amin in “The Last King of Scotland.”

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter about the cold weather in New York this week, while interviewing Dr. Joseph Humphries (Forest Whitaker) and Dr. Cora Reynolds (Kristen Wiig) about an upcoming blood drive.

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Ordinary scenes become extraordinary whenever we see “Andy Popping Into Frame.” Will Forte attempts to cut in on the action, until the attention-starved Andy holds a gun to his head.

Singing WaiterSummary: Restaurant patrons (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler, Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph) endure endless singing from a waiter (Forest Whitaker) who insists on performing the entire song.

Transcript

UrigroSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) discusses the renwed vigor of his urine stream.

Note: Repeat from 01/20/07.

Man vs. BeastSummary: Humans compete with animals in a fight to the death.

Recurring Characters: Greg Gumbel.

Transcript

Keith Urban performs “Stupid Boy”Bio: Keith Urban (1967-). Country singer; married to actress Nicole Kidman since 2006; in 2007, sued same-name New Jersey painter for the rights to http://www.keithurban.com.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) and the Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) measure presidential contender Barack Obama on the Blackness Scale. Scandal-ridden astronaut Bill Oefelein (Jason Sudeikis) tells his side of the story and flirts with Amy Poehler.

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton.

Transcript

Whitney Houston’s Valentines Day SpecialSummary: Love-starved Whitney houston (Maya Rudolph) can only think of Bobby Brown during her Valentine’s special.

Recurring Characters: Whitney Houston, Chaka Khan.

Am I a Crazy Street Person?Summary: Contestants are challenged to guess whether or not panelists are professional business people or crazy street trash.

Note: Cut from the dress rehearsal of this season’s Jake Gyllenhaal episode.

Transcript

Keith Urban performs “Once in a Lifetime”

A Message from the State Island ZooSummary: Zoo official Karen Donnally (Kristen Wiig) shows off a falsely accurate student video on the rocking lifestyle of sloths.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

AstronautSummary: Lisa Nowak (Kristen Wiig); cold open.

Air Force OneSummary: The perfect shoe for white guys who don’t have basketball skills.

Note: This commercial parody will finally air on the episode hosted by Peyton Manning.

Best Chef Super ChallengeSummary: A contestant (Forest Whitaker) makes rude remarks to get the judges to choose him.

The BossSummary: The boss (Forest Whitaker) yells at employees who make mistakes.

PaintingsSummary: Two entrepreneurs (Forest Whitaker, Kenan Thompson) sell paintings of white celebrities painted black.

Cold OfficeSummary: Employee (Bill Hader) and his secretary (Amy Poehler) grumble about how cold it is in the office.

Food CourtSummary: Two guys (Fred Armisen, Forest Whitaker) try to pick up women in a food court.

A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger from 1933Summary: In 1933, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) continues to spout the era’s cliched jargon while panting breathlessly.

Recurring Characters: Out-of-Breath Jogger.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 13

06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

Man versus Beast Tournament of Champions

Greg Gumbel…..Forest Whitaker
Katrina Hoffman…..Amy Poehler
Rosalyn Maddox…..Maya Rudolph
David Angelides…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Animal Planet logo ]

Announcer; You’re watching Animal Planet.

[ dissolve to opening montage of: ]

Announcer: Animal Planet Sports presents: “Man versus Beast Tournament of Champions: The Road to the Final Four.”

[ dissolve to Grug Gumbel and Katrina Hoffman at the anchor desk ]

Greg Gumbel: Hello, everybody. And welcome back to quarterfinal action in Animal Planet’s “Man versus Beast Tournament of Champions.” I’m Greg Gumbel. and, with me once again, as she has been throughout this tournament, is former PETA board member and unreasoning animal rights zealot, Katrina Hoffman.

Katrina Hoffman: [ chipper ] Thanks, Greg! As you know, this tournament is not about running or jumping or climbing. It’s about a fight to the finish between two competitors of different species. No weapons, no armor, and no rules. Except one: the law of the jungle.

Greg Gumbel: A little more than six weeks ago, 128 human beings and animals entered this competition. In a few hours, only four will remain. We’ve got some interesting humans versus animal match-ups in store for you tonight. Hey, Katrina: [ smugly ] I think I know who you’ll be rooting for.

Katrina Hoffman: [ laughs ] What can I say! I LOVE animals, and I absolutely DESPISE human beings!

Greg Gumbel: If you’re just joining us, you missed some thrilling action earlier today. In our first match-up, the tournament’s Cinderella — the dwarf hamster, which had won the hearts of everyone in this arena, with its stunning upset victory over heavily-favored ex-Army major, John Pinto — learned that sometimes the glass slipper doesn’t fit. For this Cinderella, the clock struck midnight when it squared off against tournament favorite — the Arctic polar bear — and was immediately torn to pieces and devoured. The polar bear NOW advances.. to the semifinals, where it will face Wisconsin registered nurse, Peg Larson, who survived a stubborn challenge against a very determined giraffe. But in just a moment, we’ve got the day’s most eagerly anticipated bout, between Seattle Aerosmith engineer, David Angelides — who got to this round by virtue of his win over the manatee — and his opponent, the mountain lion — which defeated a swarm of fruit flies in what was surely this tournament’s strangest contest.

[ cut to pre-taped footage of David Angelides crouched in front of the mountain lion’s cage ]

Greg Gumbel V/O: Right now, you’re looking at the arena where we were — in just a few moments, the mountain lion will do battle with this long-time Boeing employee and father of four —

[ cut back to the studio ]

Greg Gumbel: But before we take you down for the start of this match, I remind you once again that your local cable provider reserves the right NOT to broadcast any images it deems.. “excessively violent.”

[ cut to David Angelides and the mountain lion together in the arena. The mountain lion lets out a high-pitched roar and lunges at David’s throat. Almost immediately, the screen is blacked out with the following text:

“Due to its graphic, violent nature,
your local cable provider has deemed
this video image unsuitable for broadcast.” ]

Greg Gumbel V/O: [ his commentary continues over the blacked-out video footage ] A quick start for the mountain lion! Wow!

[ cut back to the studio ]

Greg Gumbel: And less than two seconds in, and Mr. Angelides has already used his first time-out.

Katrina Hoffman: [ with a wide, proud smile ] The mountain lion is TOTALLY dictating his tempo, Greg, and that CAN’T be good for Mr. Angelides!

Greg Gumbel: We’re back.

[ cut back to the arena, where the mountain lion sits before David Angelides’ motionless, stretched-out body ]

Katrina Hoffman V/O: Okay. Obviously, Mr. Angelides wants to slow the tempo down.

Greg Gumbel V/O: If the mountain lion will let him.

Katrina Hoffman V/O: [ rooting for the mountain lion ] Is he dead?! Could he be dead?!

Greg Gumbel V/O: No, I think he’s just planning his next move —

[ high-pitched roars from the mountain lion, as the screen blacks out again with the following text:

“Due to its graphic, violent nature,
your local cable provider has deemed
this video image unsuitable for broadcast.” ]

Greg Gumbel V/O: Whoa! Whoa! That was NOT the move!

Katrina Hoffman V/O: I must tell you — I do NOT understand this strategy! And you say this guy designs jet engines??

Greg Gumbel V/O: I have to agree – this one’s all but over.

[ cut back to the studio ]

Greg Gumbel: And it IS! It’s over! The mountain lion advances to the semifinals. What a story! This Rocky Mountain native with a troubled past, who just SIX months ago was on the endangered species list, now finds itself TWO wins away from the National Championship.

Katrina Hoffman: [ pleased ] ONLY in America!

Greg Gumbel: But, right now, let’s go to our own Rosalyn Maddox, who’s with the loser of the matvh we just saw — David Angelides.

[ cut to Rosalyn Maddox interviewing a bloody and mauled David Angelides ]

Rosalyn Maddox: David, uh — obviously, not the kind of night you hoped for.

David Angelides: [ shakes his head, which is missing huges patches of hair ] No. No, but you’ve gotta give all the credit to the mountain lion. Everything was working for it. The, uh — the slashing with its claws, the leaping on my back, and sinking its fangs into my back — everything. It really brought its “A” game today.

Rosalyn Maddox: Yeah. Was there a — was there a particular moment when you said to yourself, “It’s just — it’s just not my night”?

David Angelides: [ thinking ] Probably when the mountain lion urinated on me.

Rosalyn Maddox: Did you take that as a sort of “Showboat — Who’s Your Daddy?” move?

David Angelides: No, no, not at all. Not at all. No, uh — they do that to mark their prey, I — I wasn’t offended.

Rosalyn Maddox: Yeah. Is there anything you can take away from a defeat like this.. to build on for the future?

David Angelides: [ thinks long and hard, as his neck begins to squirt blood ] I can’t think of anything.

Rosalyn Maddox: Will we see you back next year?

David Angelides: Hey, I don’t know, Rosalyn, I — I’ve lost an arm, most of a leg, at least one, if not both, kidneys. I, uh — I mean, I really got my ass handed to me today. Literally. Uh — after removing my ass with one swipe of its paw, the mountain lion literally handed it back to me.

Rosalyn Maddox: Mmm-hmm. A nice gesture.

David Angelides: Yeah. I thought so.

Rosalyn Maddox: One last question: uh — was the shoulder injury you suffered against the pygmied hippo a factor tonight?

David Angelides: Uh — I’m not going to make excuses. You know what they say: excuses are like buttholes, everybody’s got one. [ a beat ] Well, except me, I guess. Uh — not any more. At least.. I can’t feel it. [ attempts to tighten his hind quarters whilwe standing ] No.. I don’t have it.

Rosalyn Maddox: Well, thank you for spending this time with us.

David Angelides: Sure.

Rosalyn Maddox: Greg, Katrina, back to you.

[ cut back to the studio. Katrina tries to hide her delight with the mountain lion’s victory as Greg looks for the right words to say ]

Greg Gumbel: Alright. One last piece of the puzzle remains to complete our Final Four. Will it be the king cobra, or former presidential candidate, Michael Dukakis?

Katrina Hoffman: Greg, I would be ASTONISHED if it’s not the cobra!

Greg Gumbel: We’ll find out shortly. Stick around. We’ll be back, right after this.

[ cut to title montage ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 13

06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

Bronx Beat

Betty Caruso…..Amy Poehler
Jodi Deitz…..Maya Rudolph
Dr. Joseph Humphries…..Forrest Whitaker
Dr. Cora Reynolds…..Kristen Wiig
Voice of Frankie…..

(Lots and lots of chatter.)

Betty: Hello, Hello. Whoo! This is Bronx Beat. I’m Betty. This is Jody.

Jodi: I’m Jody.

Betty: God Why did we do this show today?

Jodi: I don’t even know. What is this show? I honestly have no idea. You know, when I left the house this morning, it was pitch dark outside. There was nary a person on the streets.

Betty: Nobody but nurses and drunks.

Jodi: Nurses and drunks.

Betty: It’s freezing out. I’m cold! I’m depressed. What do you call that season—

Jodi: The Winds of Time.

Betty: The winds of time. Yes.

Jodi: You know, I wish I was a bear so I can sleep and wake up in the Spring.

Betty: Yeah, just hibernate.

Jodi: Hibernate.

Betty: Hibernate.

Jodi: I wanna go into one of those Bear comas. You know, wake me when it’s ova.

Betty: You know if I hibernated, if I went into a bear coma, you know what’d happen to my husband? He would starve to death.

Jodi: Yeah, my husband thinks the microwave is a big clock.

Betty: Ah, stupid. Stupid. You know – Wake me when its summa. ……You know what? I’m grouchy today.

Jodi: You are grouchy.

Betty: I’m grouchy.

Jodi: You know what? I’m grouchy.

Betty: We’re allowed to be grouchy. Be grouchy. Be good to yourself. You only live once and the way things are going these days, the whole world’s gonna blow up.

Jodi: You know, everybody in my house is sick.

Betty: You know what people don’t know how to do at my house, they don’t know how to use a Kleenex. It’s disgusting.

Jodi: Disgusting. Ugh. So many germs. I’d pay a million dollars for someone to come to my house and get rid of all the germs.

Betty: Oh!

Jodi: My house is germ city.

Betty: Yeah, what would they use? How could you get rid of all the germs in your house? Gallons of Purell? Hot blowas? It’s not gonna work.

Jodi: I don’t know. It doesn’t matta.

Betty: You know what I saw on TV?

Jodi: huh?

Betty: There are bugs that live in yah eyelids and you can neva get them out.

Jodi: Disgusting.

Betty: Neva.

Jodi: It’s gross. Geeze. Now, I gotta add that to my list of worries.

Betty: Yah eyelids are the bug’s house.

Jodi: Gross.

Betty: It’s garbage.

Jodi: What are you gonna even tell me that for? It’s disgusting!

Betty: Alright, Alright. We have guests! Plural. Here we go.

Jodi: Oh God, there’s two of ‘em?

Betty: yeah, two. God, alright. Just bring them out.

Jodi: Just bring them out.

Betty: Just bring them out. Get it over with. ….I can’t read this. You need to type these names.

Jodi: I was half asleep when I got here this morning. My hand was frozen, like a claw position.

Betty: Is this an S or a 5?

Jodi: Who knows? How am I supposed to know?

Betty: I can’t even read it. Oh.. Dr. Joseph—Oh! You’re already here.

Jodi: Sneakin up on us.

Betty: Alright, so. Where are you from?

Dr. Joseph Humphries: We’re from the New York blood center and we launching our Bronx community blood program to help increase the level of blood donations in the Bronx.

Jodi: Ugh. Stop sayin blood.

Betty: Yah makin’ me sick.

Jodi: I’m gonna faint.

Betty: I can’t even look at a sewing needle.

Jodi: Oh God. …. All of these medical shows – They make me sick. I can’t even watch Scrubs.

Betty: Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. …Go ahead.

Dr. Cora Reynolds: Joe and I will be at North Central Bronx hospital in the nurses residence Sunday from 12 to —

Jodi: So, how long yah been married?

Dr. Cora Reynolds: Oh, oh.. We’re not married. I mean.. not to each other. He’s married. (Nervous)

Betty: …Not for long.

(Both Better and Jodi smile and nod at them for a bit.)

Betty: Because, guess what? …. He loves you.

Jodi: He loves you.

Betty: He loooves you. Look at the way he’s smiling at you! Va va vooom!

Jodi: Love birds!

Betty: Love birds! Look at how he’s smiling.

Jodi: They’re in love!

Betty: They’re in love!

Jodi: The feeling is mutual. She’s got oogily eyes for him.

Betty: He’s adorable!

Dr. Joseph Humphries: We have a great deal of respect for each other, but we’re strictly coworkers.

Dr. Cora Reynolds: Yes, yes. Strictly professional.

Jodi: Yeah.

Betty: Yeah.

Jodi: Sure.

Betty: Sure. That’s what youre going with. Alright. Yup.

Jodi: Whateva.

Betty: So… Blood drive. ..Ugh. Blood drive.

Jodi: Ugh. That’s two things I hate. Blood and driving.

Betty: Ugh! ….You know what world I hate? ….Hemoglobin.

Jodi: Ew. Gross.

Betty: It doesn’t make any sense. It makes me sick.

Dr. Joseph Humphries: … We started the program a few months ago and we’re very excited–

Jodi: Let me ask yah something. You two share an office?

Dr. Joseph Humphries: Well, there are a few of us in the office.

Betty: Ah, close quarters.

Jodi: Uh huh. Long hours.

Betty: Yup. Drinks after work.

Jodi: You know the last time I had a romantic drink with my husband? Nineteen Eighty-Neva. You know where he takes me to eat? Chez Nowhere. …..It drives me nuts. I hate him, but you know what? …I love him. (starts getting emotional)

Betty: Oh god. Here she goes.

Jodi: And my two daughters. And my son. He’s a good man.

Betty: Very emotional now. God.

Jodi: I know.

Betty: Alright. Anyway. … Blood Drive. Go.

Jodi: Blood drive.

Dr. Joseph Humphries: Yes, please. Come down. Donate blood. It’s easier than you think.

Betty: Hey. Let me pass something on to you two – Love has no color.

Jodi: She’s right. Color of yah skin – Doesn’t matta.

Betty: I dated a Puerto Rican once. I met him at a Yankees game. He was handing out nuts. Drove my parents bonkas.

Jodi: Sexy! I didn’t know that.

Betty: He was a good kissa. God. Such a good kissa. Not like my husband – Ugh! Kissing my husband is like kissing nothing.

Jodi: Tell me about it.

Betty: It’s like kissing a dead fish. I’d rather read a book. … I’d rather kiss a book!

Jodi: I bet you two smash your faces together each chance you get. Let me tell yah something. You are gonna open your desk, and there’s gonna be a secret present in there and guess what? Its. From. Him.

Betty: Bingo, Jodi. He loves you!

Jodi: He’s in love with you!

Betty: Lookit! He’s loving on you! Go ahead. Kiss her.

Jodi: Yeah, noone is watching this show. Just kiss her.

Betty: Kiss her! Noone’s watching.

Jodi: Just do it!

Betty: Just kiss each other! …. We’re pressuring them. We’re pressuring them. Alright. Take your time. Take your time. Love needs time. Alright. How do we take a call? How do we do this?

Jodi: Ugh, I dunno. Just press a button.

Betty: This is stupid! These buttons!

Jodi: Thing thing drives me nuts.

Betty: Hello?

Frankie (voice): Ma? I threw up.

Jodi: Aww, it’s little Frankie. Aww, you threw up? Alright, where are you?

Frankie (voice): I threw up on your bedspread.

Betty: Aww, your bedspread is beautiful.

Jodi: Aww , poor baby. Sweeetie, tell your daddy to get you some flat ginger ale. Where is your father?

Frankie (voice): In the garage.

Jodi: Unbelievable. He’s unbelievable. He’s in the garage, making his own beer.

Betty: Ugh! Grow up. So, stupid.

Jodi: Alright. Bye Frankie. Go get your dumb father. Ugh!

Betty: Oh, God. Sooo… You two are doctas. What’s Frankie got? The flu?

Dr. Joseph Humphries: Maybe?

Jodi: Yeah. What’s Frankie got? The flu?

Betty: Chicken Flu?

Jodi: Stomach Flu?

Betty: Bird Flu?

Jodi: Chicken Flu?

Betty: Super Flu?

Jodi: Mega Flu?

Betty: Mega Mega Flu?

Jodi: Supa Dupa Flu?

Betty: I tell yah. I’ll tell yah what everyone does have – Bugs in yah eyelids.

Jodi: Ick. Freaky.

Betty: It’s disgusting. It’s garbage.

(pregnant pause while both are staring at the two Drs.)

Betty: Alright you guys, take care.

Jodi: Alright. Yeah. You two love birds take care. Do yah thing. Buh-bye!

Betty: Bye bye!

(Two Drs. Stand up.)

Dr. Joseph Humphries: We are not in love.

Dr. Cora Reynolds: …What? We’re not?

(Two women chatter about stuff until lights go down)

Submitted by: Lauren Leasure

SNL Transcripts