Sen. John McCain V/O: I’m John McCain. And I approved this message.
[ dissolve to Sen. John McCain seated in front of a mock Oval Office setting ]
Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans —
[ the audience drowns him out with their applause ]
Sen. John McCain: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I ask you, what should we be looking for in our next president? Certainly, someone who is very, very, very old.
But just as important, we will need a leader of courage and principle. Someone who is willing to do what is best for this country. Even when doing so is unpopular. Such as putting an end to runaway government spending, and, especially, congressional earmarks, those wasteful pork barrel projects sneaked anonymously into bills by members of Congress as a favor to campaign contributors for powerful local interests.
Most of these projects are at best unnecessary, such as $15 million to the U.S. Postal Service for a commemorative stamp honoring Tom Delays appellate lawyers. [ show photo of the stamp ] Whose idea was that? Or this bit of pork: $160 million to the Department of Defense for developing a device that can jam gaydar. [ show photo of the device ] Now, I dont know if this is anti-gay, or pro-gay, or if such a device would even work. But I do know this: jamming gaydar is NOT a federal responsibility. Thats something best left to state and local governments.
My friends, I’ve fought waste in government my entire career. And during more than twenty years, representing Arizona in both the House and Senate, I have not once sought to bring pork-barrel spending back to my state. Not even highway funds. When I entered the Senate in 1987, Arizona had forty-seven thousand miles of paved roadway. Today, it’s less than nine hundred.
I’ve also opposed federal water projects, even when they bnefitted my state. Thats why, thanks to me, 15% of Arizona citizens must get their drinking water from cactus. 25 years! I haven’t even brought a post office to my state. And Im proud of the fact that, because of my work, when residents of Flagstaff want to mail a letter, or to pick up a package, they have to drive to New Mexico.
My friends, controlling government spending isn’t just about Republicans or Democrats, it’s about being able to look your children in the eye. Or, in my case… my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, great-great grandchildren, and great-great-great grandchildren - the youngest of whom are nearing retirement. And tell them: “We have left you the same things we were left: a future free from debt.” As your president, I will guarantee it.
I have the courage, the wisdom, the experience, and, most importantly, the oldness necessary. The oldness it takes to protect America, to honor her, to love her, and tell her about what cute things the cat did.
…..Amy Poehler …..Seth Meyers …..Sen. John McCain Rev. Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! And here are tonight’s top stories.
On Wednesday, John Edwards officially endorsed himself for vice president.
It’s believed that Edwards’ endorsement of Sen. Obama will help Obama nail down the critical handsome millionaire vote.
A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court, on Thursday, overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state’s mesh tuxedo industry.
Seth Meyers: [ show photo of Paterson hunched over a bill ] This week, New York State Governor David Paterson signed into law the new Studio 54 bill.
John Hammons, a 19-year-old freshman at the University of Oklahoma, became the mayor of Muskogee this week when he was the last person in town to shout: “Not it!”
Amy Poehler: According to a new report by the Energy Department, wind turbines can produce a fifth of the nation’s annual electricity needs within about two decades. Which could drastically reduce our dependence on foreign wind.
Seth Meyers: While the battle for the Democratic nomination rages on, the Republican party settled on their nominee months ago. Here now with a message to voters, that nominee — Sen. John McCain!
Sen. John McCain: Thank you, Seth… Amy. I’d like to begin tonight by thanking Republican voters. We’re gearing up for one of the most pivitol elections in this nation’s history, and I’m honored to be part of it. But I also want to speak to Democrats. I know we don’t see eye-to-eye on every issue. But I also believe we respect one another. That’s why I want to give you this piece of advice: Democrats, I have to urge you to NOT, under any circumstances, pick a candidate too soon. [ he grins ]
Seth Meyers: [ slightly confused ] Oh. Oh, so you don’t think Hillary should drop out?
Sen. John McCain: Absolutely not.
Amy Poehler: I told you.
Seth Meyers: Cool it!
Amy Poehler: You cool it!
Sen. John McCain: [ smugly ] That’s right — fight amongst yourselves.
Seth Meyers: [ taken aback ] What – what — what did you say?
Sen. John McCain: Nothing. [ he shakes his head ] But what I want to say to the Democrats is this: you have two incredibly talented candidates. Why not take every possible second to weigh each of their pros and cons? For all you know, there are a bunch of cons you don’t even know about yet. Cons that won’t reveal themselves should you choose a candidate too early.
Seth Meyers: Well, but of course, the convention is in late August so I guess that would be the deadline.
Sen. John McCain: What’s the rush, Seth? I’d urge Democrats not to get caught up in the idea that the candidate has to be decided by the time the convention ends. I’ve been to a lot of conventions and they are a lot of fun. But when they end, there’s always that empty feeling of, “Oh well, we’ve picked a nominee, I guess the party’s over.” Imagine the excitement of leaving the convention and STILL not knowing who the nominee was? That would be crazy — crazy exciting! And if, come November, you still haven’t decided, I’d be willing to set aside my differences with your party and say: “Hey, let’s put BOTH of them on the ballot!” I’ll support you on that. It’s the least I can do.
In conclusion, I want to add that I also thought John Edwards had a lot of good ideas, and you might want to kick the tires on him one more time. Thank you, and God bless America.
Seth Meyers: Sen. John McCain, everybody! Thanks a lot!
Amy Poehler: President Bush said in an interview that he gave up golf in 2003 in support of the troops, because he thought playing golf during a war just sends the wrong message. You know what else sends the wrong message? Literally sending the wrong message! [ show photo of Bush standing in front of “Mission Accomplished” banner ]
Taliban insurgents have ordered residents of a province near Kabul to stop watching television, saying the networks were showing un-Islamic programs. Most notably, the popular Afghani soap opera “The Woman Who Went Outside”.
Seth Meyers: Britney Spears was involved in another car collision on Tuesday, when she hit the back of an SUV in Beverly Hills. Damage was minimal, though, as Spears was on foot.
According to new research from the U.S. government, heavy marijuana use could reduce blood levels in particular protein, raising a person’s risk of a heart attack or stroke.
Amy Poehler: [ alarmed ] Oh, no!
Seth Meyers: Oh no, don’t panic. The study says you’d have to smoke an average of tne joints a day.
Amy Poehler: [ more alarmed ] Oh, no!!
Seth Meyers: No. You’d have to smoke the ten joints a day every day for the last twnety years.
Amy Poehler: [ more alarmed than ever ] Oh, nooooo!!!! [ pauses ] Wait. What are we talking about?
Seth Meyers: Nothing.
Amy Poehler: [ smiles ] Good!
This week, Nintendo launched a new game for the Wii system, called Wii Fit, which is an exercise program that comes with a balance board and features a virtual trainer. And in just twelve weeks, you’ll go from looking like this: [ show tubby fellow ] to looking like this: [ show Mario ]
A Dutch train driver was suspended this week after accidentally leaving on the train’s PA while masturbating. Said the train driver, “I think I can… I think I can… I think I can… I think I can!”
Seth Meyers: With more superdelegates going his way, Barack Obama is poised to clench the Democratic nomination. Here with some advice for Sen. Obama, are the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.
Rev. Al Sharpton: Whoo-whoo-whoo!! Yes!
Jesse Jackson: Greetings, Seth and Amy. Tonight, we pause and praise and give thanks… for the opportunity… to address you, Mr. Barack Obama. For 2008, the dream of a Black president seems genuine… actual… and America-factual!
Rev. Al Sharpton: It’s for real!
Jesse Jackson: But… the Democratic nomination is NOT… a presidential coronation… and rat-a-tat-tat! Uh — last week, 20% of Hillary Clinton voters in West Virginia… said that race was a dominating factor IN their vote!
Rev. Al Sharpton: It’s a disgrace!
Jesse Jackson: Barack Obama, the truth is unfortunate, yet indisputable. This race is inexplicably tied… to race.
Rev. Al Sharpton: It’s a RACE race!
Jesse Jackson: Yes, sir. Embrace your race… for you cannot erase… your face! So, tonight… we intrigue you… of the vigilant. for, as close as you are to the presidency… you know from our people’s history what could happen. One mistake, and —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: Mr. Obama, it’s fine to not wear a flag pin on your lapel…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But it you’re gonna wear a dashiki —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: It’s okay to be close to the African-American community leaders…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But get your picture taken with Farrakhan —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: Mr. Obama, you a smoker, so it’s fine to partake of a cigarette here and there…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But if it’s a whole pack of Newport menthols —
Together: They take it away!!
Jesse Jackson: It’s fine to have the media talk to women from your past…
Rev. Al Sharpton: But if they dig up ONE baby mama —
Together: They take it away!!
Rev. Al Sharpton: And they might throw your ass in JAIL!!
Jesse Jackson: Easy. Mr. Obama… you must never let them take it away. For ONLY if you’re calculated… and midolated… will the presidency finally be consecrated!
Rev. Al Sharpton: You’re up in the polls. I wouldn’t even leave your house until November!
Seth Meyers: The Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, everyone!
Amy Poehler: A ten-year old boy in California has entered his sophomore year at East Los Angeles College, where he’s receiving the equivalent of a fourth grade education.
Seth Meyers: A man in Australia has been fined after buckling a case of beer with a seat belt, but leaving a five-year old child to sit on the car’s floor. Earning him the title of World’s Most Australianist Man.
The owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which offers visitors a close-up look at male reproductive organs of several species, says that four men have promised to donate their penises after their deaths. You know, I’m thinking I may do that.
Amy Poehler: Really? I didn’t know they had a miniatures collection. [ raises her arm for a high-five ] Up top!
Seth Meyers: Why — why would I high-five you on that? Why would I do that?
Amy Poehler: Because if you get mad, it looks like it’s true!
Seth Meyers: [ high-fives Amy ] Up top! Yeah!!
Amy Poehler: Whoa!
Seth Meyers: Funny joke! Funny joke! Not true. So funny, though.
Amy Poehler: This week, a man said he survived a shark attack by wrestling with the animal and then poking it in the eye. As a result, the man has been banned from the Coney Island Aquarium.
Seth Meyers: A man in Florida us suing, after he was ticketed on the beach for wearing a speedo. Though, in fairness, he was wearing it as an ascot. What a fancy man.
A Swiss man, this week, successfully tested a new device he built, which is a retractable wing with four jet engines strapped to his back. In an interview, the man said he envisions a day when everyone will die this way.
Amy Poehler: A growing number of communities across the country are moving to prevent sexual predators from becoming ice cream truck drivers. In particular, drivers for Mr. Touch Me Not-So-Softy.
Seth Meyers: Astronauts living on the international space station will soon be getting their drinking water from a new system that recycles their urine into drinkable water. Said one space staton astronaut, “It would have been nice to get a heads-up on that before we got here.”
Summary“Saturday Night Live” returned for its thirty-third season on September 29th, 2007 with no changes in store. Even Maya Rudolph, whom many had suspected was leaving when last season’s finale practically served as her swan song, returned with the rest of the now-static cast. The catalyst for change, however, would lie in the Writer’s Guild of America strike, which promptly put the season on hold after only four episodes. Although writer’s strikes had either interrupted seasons or brought them to an early end in the past, this was the first to inflict itself so early into the season, leaving many to wonder if this would be “SNL”‘s shortest season ever. After roughly fourteen weeks, the Writer’s Guild strike was resolved and “SNL” finally returned to air on February 23rd, 2008, with former head writer-turned-actress Tina Fey on-deck to host. For the first time in thirty-two years, the cast would perform four live shows in a row, a routine that had exhausted the original cast when they did so twice in the first season. Noticably absent from the first post-strike episode was Rudolph, who had decided not to renew her contract in the interim. Taking her place as a featured performer is Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre veteran, Casey Wilson.
[ open on Hillary Clinton seated behind desk in her office ]
Hillary Clinton: I’m Hillary Clinton… and I approved this unfair — and deceptive — message.
[ dissolve to negative ad ]
Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] This Election Is About Change.
Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] But It’d Also About something Else.
Voiceover: [ over SUPER ] Experience.
[ dissolve to U.S. Senate Building, 3am, as the phone rings ]
Announcer: It’s 3am. Across our country, kids are sound asleep. But, somewhere in the nation’s capitol, a phone is ringing. Your vote will decide… who answers that call.
[ the phone is answered is a darkened bedroom ]
Hillary Clinton’s Voice: Hello?
Operator’s Voice: Senator Clinton? I have President Obama on the line.
Hillary Clinton’s Voice: I’ll take it.
[ reveal photos of Barack Obama using the phone ]
Barack Obama’s Voice: Uh… Hillary? I’m sorry to call this late again, but… I need your help.
[ interchange between the Obama photos and Clinton, dressed in beauty mask, curlers and grannie pajamas, sitting up in bed ]
Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, what can I do?
[ SUPER: “Dramatization” ]
Barack Obama’s Voice: The CIA has just confirmed that Iran has created a nuclear device. It looks like the Russians, the North Koreans, and Hugo Chavez has been helping them.
Hillary Clinton: I was afraid of that. When did this start.
Barack Obama’s Voice: Apparently, the day I was sworn in. [ angered ] Those mother[bleep]!! Those [bleep]!! I trusted them! I gave them my complete and total trust! And they [bleep] LIED to me!!
Hillary Clinton: Mr. President —
Barack Obama’s Voice: Oh, my God! I am so [bleep]!! What do I do, Hillary? What do I do?!
Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, you can start by getting a hold of yourself.
Barack Obama’s Voice: [ crying ] I ca-an’t!! Don’t you see that I’m in a panic?! A blind, unreasoning, inexperienced PANIC!!
Hillary Clinton: For God’s sake, Mr. President! Man up! Calm down and listen!
Barack Obama’s Voice: Okay…
[ SUPER: “Dramatization” ]
Hillary Clinton: First of all, go to our key allies — the British, the Germans, the French — and show them our Intelligence.
Barack Obama’s Voice: Whoa, hold on — I’m writing this down! “French… show Intelligence…” Uh-huh. Go on.
Hillary Clinton: The Russians will back down. Helping Iran is a clear violation of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.
Barack Obama’s Voice: The what Treaty?!
Hillary Clinton: Ask the Secretary of State. He can explain it.
Barack Obama’s Voice: Al Sharpton? Uh… between you, me, and the lamp — not my best appointment.
Hillary Clinton: Well, what’s done is done.
Barack Obama’s Voice: Right. Chalk it up to inexperience.
Hillary Clinton: By the way, Mr. President, you sound a little stressed. [ yelling ] You’re not SMOKING again, are you?!
Barack Obama’s Voice: [ aghast, as he holds a cigarette in his photo ] No, I’m not smoking!
Hillary Clinton: You better not be!
Barack Obama’s Voice: Well, I’m not. Anyway, thanks again. I do apologize for calling so often.
Hillary Clinton: I don’t mind, Mr. President. It’s for the good of the country. Although, if this is going to be a regular thing, I feel as though I should get paid or something. Because it’s, like, you know, every night!
Barack Obama’s Voice: I understand —
Hillary Clinton: Is that it?
Barack Obama’s Voice: One other thing. I think the heat may be off in the White House.
Hillary Clinton: Really? Completely off?
Barack Obama’s Voice: I think so. It’s [bleep]ing freezing in here! What do I do?
Hillary Clinton: [ sighs ] Alright. Go down to the basement, open the panel in front of the furnace —
Barack Obama’s Voice: Hold on — let me get my pen.
Hillary Clinton: Open the panel on the furnace —
Barack Obama’s Voice: Uh-huh.
Hillary Clinton: You’ll see a red button. Hit that once, and wait about 45 seconds. It should come back on.
Barack Obama’s Voice: Once again, I am amazed by the range and depth of your experience. I’d gladly trade ALL of my superficial charm and rock star appeal for even a part of it.
Hillary Clinton: I appreciate that, Mr. President.
Barack Obama’s Voice: Because this job is ha-ard! I had NO idea! I mean, it is a [bleep] ballbuster!
Hillary Clinton: Mr. President, would you kindly avoid the profanity? It’s really one of your least attractive traits — that the public doesn’t know about.
Barack Obama’s Voice: Sorry. Hey, before I go — is Bill there?
Hillary Clinton: [ frowning ] It’s 3am. What do you think? Alright… call those allies!
Barack Obama’s Voice: Yeah, yeah. I will. Goodbye.
[ dissolve back to Hillary Clinton seated at her desk ]
Hillary Clinton: What you’ve just seen is a dramatization of a frightening future. A dramatization based on facts. Well… not facts. More of what we call “specious campaign talkin points”. Also, for legal reasons, I should point out there is absolutely no evidence that Senator Obama has ever used profanities, that he has started smoking again, or that he knows any less about home heating than I do. Still, the point is: the future we described doesn’t have to be. If you want a different future — a safe, confident, more experienced future — there is something you can do. You can call or write the offices of the Democratic National Committee, and tell them: “Wait! We’ve changed our minds!” With enough pressure, we can convince party leaders that nominating my opponent would be a huge mistake. So, whether you’re a lifelong Democrat concerned about our party’s chances in November, or a Republican with your own agenda posing as a Democrat — since, as far as we can tell, they have no way of checking — we need you to get to the phone.
[ SUPER: “Call the Democratic National Committee (202) 555-0111″ ]
Hillary Clinton: It’s not too late. We CAN turn this around. Yes, we can. I actually used that first. It’s true. I did. And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Dr. Helen Winston…..Amy Adams Brian…..Will Forte Bagdana…..Amy Poehler
[ open on exterior, office building ]
[ dissolve to exterior, office door: “Dr. Helen Winston — Couples Therapy” ]
[ dissolve to interior, office, Dr. Helen Winston beginning her counseling session with ?? ]
Dr. Helen Winston: I know this is your first time in Couples Therapy, and that it seems like a scary journey… but the good news is the love is there. And you’ve already taken the hardest step, by coming here.
Brian: [ smiling ] Well, thanks, Doctor… I-I-I feel better already! I-I guess, uh, the main problem is communication. Uh, I feel like we — we listen to each other, but we don’t always hear each other?
Dr. Helen Winston: Mmm… How do you feel, Bagdana?
Bagdana: I am citizen. You — you cannot take away! Citizen, now! [ reaches over ] Documents — documents in bag! [ opens bag, pulls out documents ] Real marriage!
Dr. Helen Winston: Hmmmm… [ she nods ] I think Bagdana makes a very interesting point — [ making quote-signs with her fingers ] “Real marriage” isn’t always the picture-perfect fairy tale people make it out to be. Would you agree with that, Brian?
Brian: Definitely!
Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?
Bagdana: [ clutching her documents ] Uh — it’s real — it’s real marriage! This is real! Real marriage!
Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. I understand that you’ve been having some… intimacy issues?
Brian: Yes. Our, uh — wedding night was spectacular. But, uh, ever since we’ve started living together, uh — Bagdana and I haven’t actually been intimate at all.
Bagdana: [ shaking her head ] No! I gave the sex! On wedding night! [ opens her documents and scampers through the papers ] Proof of intercourse, uh, documents and photos… yes! [ she holds this proof up ] It’s legitimate marriage! Bagdana never return to village — no more plow… no more pig! Bagdana free now!
Dr. Helen Winston: You know what? I think I’m sensing some boundary issues here.
Brian: Yeah! Well, you know… all I-I’m really asking is for her to open up a little more.
Dr. Helen Winston: [ taps her pen on her nose ] Ding, ding, ding, ding! Good, Brian — we’ve identified one of your needs. Now, Bagdana, why don’t you talk about some of your needs? Needs that, maybe, aren’t being met.
Bagdana: Uh — uh — I need husband to sign K-3 form… [ holds up the form in front of Brian ] Petition for alien wife. Sign top… initial bottom… submit by certified letter by May 16th.
Brian: Okay…
Bagdana: Yes. [ shoves form to Dr. Helen Winston ] You! You — you — you the witness! You witness — you sign bottom — certifiy marriage — use black pen, press very hard!
Dr. Helen Winston: Okay, Bagdana… is it the documents you want him to pay attention to, or… is it your feelings?
Bagdana: [ considers the question for a moment ] Documents. You sign documents — today! I gave the sex.
Dr. Helen Winston: Ahhh! Aha! We’re getting somewhere! This is about TRUST — it’s about validation. Okay! Now, we’re gonna try a fun little role-playing exercise. Bagdana, I want you to play Brian… and, Brian, I want you to play Bagdana. Go!
Brian: [ thinking ] Uh — “Brian?” Uh — “You are the man of my dreams,” um — “You complete me.”
Dr. Helen Winston: Okay. Bagdana, your turn. And, remember, you’re playing Brian.
Bagdana: [ blinking incoherently for a moment ] “My name Brian.” [ she blinks ] “I am to busy to sign document today. Leave document on table. Me already American, me take for granted.” [ points ] “Oh, look — there is McDonald’s. We stop — McDonald’s. Never enough of the McDonald’s. My butt is so fat! Is disgusting!” [ she spits on Brian’s shoe ] “I am Brian.”
Dr. Helen Winston: Okay! That was valuable, Bagdana. Thank you for sharing that.
[ Bagdana just stares blankly across the room ]
Dr. Helen Winston: You know what’s especially helpful? To go back to the beginning, when the love started. Brian, I want you to tell me about that special day.
Brian: [ misty-eyed ] Oh, I will never forget it. I was at, uh — South Street Seaport… walking along the docks… when this beautiful angel popped out of the hole of a Bulgarian fishing boat. [ glances lovingly at Bagdana ] Uh — she had this nervous expression on her face, and she kept looking over her shoulder. Uh — as soon as she saw me, she just GRABBED me! And I asked her what her name was, she asked me if I was an American citizen… the next thing I knew, we were married!
Dr. Helen Winston: That’s a beautful story. But we’re out of time. Before you go home, I — I want you to look in each other’s eyes and say something positive — it could be anything, as long as it’s from the heart.
[ Brian looks deep into Bagdana’s eyes ]
Brian: I love you, Bagdana. You are my life.
[ Dr. Helen Winston smiles, and nods for Bagdana to return the volley ]
Dr. Helen Winston: Bagdana?
Bagdana: [ blinking ] Uh — you sign for… I give one more sex.
[ Brian smiles, then leans over to kiss Bagdana’s cheek ]
[ Dr, Helen Winston stands and smiles ]
Dr. Helen Winston: Good work today! And, Bagdana? We’ll get to those, uh, forms some other time.
[ Brian stands him and Bagdana up and pulls her toward the door ]
Bagdana: [ crying out ] No! Wait! Bagdana so close — please! Please sign it!
Christian Siriano…..Amy Poehler Stephanie…..Casey Wilson Tim Gunn…..Bill Hader Heidi Klum…..Amy Adams
Announcer: Watch what happens when Bravo! brings you the newest makeover show.
Christian: Fierce!
[Christian sighs as he enters the apartment]
Christian: This place, it is like a hot tranny mess up in here!
Stephanie: Oh, well, I tried to clean up.
Announcer: Season 4 Project Runway winner Christian Siriano shows fashion victims the light on Fierce: The Hot Mess Makeover Show.
Christian: This jean jacket is a hot mess, but these stirrup pants are fierce. This turtleneck is tranny fierceness. Tranny!
Stephanie: I don’t…know what that means.
Christian: Fierce, tranny, you better work.
Stephanie: I’m sorry, I…do I look like a transvestite?
Announcer: Watch as the young fashion fiend flat-irons his hair and tells it like it is in his own private language.
Christian: [Going through contestant’s closet] Tranny, tranny, fierce, fierce, fierce, tranny, hot mess, cute, cute tranny, cute tranny, hot mess, tranny tranny…no, fierce, no, hot mess… [phone rings] Hold on, tranny. Hello? Hey tranny! It’s tranny. You’re a hot mess! Well you’re a tranny. Well you’re a hot tranny. Well you’re a hot mess. Well you are too! Bye!
Stephanie! I need to tell you something. You are a tranny who looks like a hot mess, and not in a good way. You’re a tickety tack tranny hot mess out of control super tranny from Transylvania who is not apologizing for it.
Stephanie: Is that good? Or…I’m sorry, I don’t understand a word you’re saying.
Announcer: Look who else stops by! Wise Bravo! elder…
Tim Gunn: That’s a lot of look.
Announcer: …Tim Gunn!
Tim Gunn: This worries me. Don’t bore Nina! Make it work.
Christian: No, YOU make it work, silver tranny ferocia!
Tim Gunn: We’re gonna have to go through your underwear drawer.
Stephanie: I thought you were gonna redo my bedroom.
Christian: Hey look! Look at these tranny panties. [Tim holds his nose] Hot mess.
Announcer: Enjoy everyone’s catchphrases! And check out this fierceness.
Heidi Klum: You’re either in or you’re out.
Announcer: Heidi Klum!
Heidi Klum: I’m sorry, Stephanie, you’re out! Auf Wiedersehen! [Heidi kisses Stephanie on both cheeks]
Stephanie: But I live here.
Heidi Klum: I’m so sorry, you’re out.
Stephanie: But can I come back?
Heidi Klum: No, you cannot come in or out. You’re out, you have to stay out!
Stephanie: I don’t get this show!
Heidi Klum: Oh, obviously.
Christian: Bye, have fun, tranny!
Tim Gunn: Make it work. That worried me.
Heidi Klum: Out!
Announcer: Fierce: The Hot Mess Makeover Show. Like Project Runway, with some of the same people, half the budget and twice the catchphrases. Scratch that–THREE times the catchphrases!
Amy Adams: Thanks to Vampire Weekend! Thanks to Lorne Michaels! Thanks to this amazing cast!! [ the audience cheers ] Oh, thank you, guys! Thanks for showing up!
Hailey Winters…..Amy Adams Hagley Winters…..Kristin Wiig Mr. Heffernan…..Bill Hader Announcer…..Paula Bell
Announcer: You’re watching ABC Family, because sometimes, regular ABC is just a little too in your face. Now, for the premiere of the 10th season of “Mirror Image!”
Theme song: They were two identical twins and they decided to pull a trick/They pretended to be the same person and only did half the work/Their plan was working perfectly, no one suspected a thing/But then they got to high school and one of them got fat! [Shows image of Hailey and Hagley standing at the same weight, then Hagley’s stomach getting larger] Mirror Image!
Mr. Heffernan: Everybody settle down! Settle down, please! Before we dive into the exciting world of Renaissance paintings, I’d like to welcome a new student to Totenville High school, Hailey Winters. [Hailey stands up and waves] Now, Hailey has skipped a grade, but despite her academic prowess, she also managed to win the equestrian championship and won top honor at the science fair, for her project, a cure for diabetes. Wow, Hailey, did I miss anything?
Hailey: I’d say you missed a career in male modeling.
Mr. Heffernan: [Blushes] Wow, that’s…very kind of you. I have to say, I don’t know how you pull it all off.
Hailey: I’ve been told I have the work ethic of two students. [Hailey winks at the camera with a toothy smile]
Mr. Heffernan: Well I’m sure you were able to finish that summer reading report. You do have that book report, right?
Hailey: Oh, right, the um…the book report. Could I just run to the bathroom?
Mr. Heffernan: You go right ahead.
Hailey: Thanks. I’ll be right back. [Hailey winks at the camera and walks out of the room]
Mr. Heffernan: OK, let’s open our textbooks to page 131, please. OK, as you all know…
Hagley: [Walks in the room with a padded stomach] Hey, sorry I took so long in the bathroom. I had to pee so much the whole bowl overflowed. Here’s my report.
Mr. Heffernan: Uh…excuse me, who are you, and what are you doing here?
Hagley: What do you mean? I’m Hailey Winters! And I’m here to learn about [Trying to pronounce Renaissance Paintings] Ray…nay…sounce pantines.
Mr. Heffernan: You’re Hailey.
Hagley: Yeah!
Mr. Heffernan: You’re not even sitting in the right desk.
Hagley: Yeah, I know, I was just testing you and you failed! But you’re not failing at getting my privates really sweaty! [Classroom cringes]
Mr. Heffernan: OK, that’s really not appropriate! Now if you’re Hailey, then what were we talking about before you went to the bathroom?
Hagley: Uh…I don’t know, penguins or some junk! Look, I’m gonna go to the bathroom again because I gotta barf! [Winks at camera and farts; exits room]
Mr. Heffernan: OK, I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna call down to the principle’s office and let them know there’s a weirdo wandering around.
Hailey: [Reenters] Hey, I hope I didn’t miss anything! [Winks at camera]
Mr. Heffernan: Actually, a very odd girl came in here pretending to be you.
Hailey: Oh don’t be silly, Mr. Heffernan, that was me. [Winks]
Mr. Heffernan: No…this person was noticeably fatter. And based on her one attempt at classroom participation, she was functionally illiterate.
Hailey: I think you were just looking at me from a different angle. [Winks]
Hagley: [Reenters] Hey, I’m back to learn your stupid class about garbage.[Winks] [Hailey and Hagley look at each other] Oh crap!
Hailey: Uh-oh! Two Haileys! Quick, let’s mix it up so they can’t tell who’s who! [Hailey and Hagley ciircle each other around while old hysteria music plays, until Hagley falls and breaks the teacher’s desk] Watch out! Stupid desk!
Mr. Heffernan: Okay, wait. Are you two trying to pass yourselves off as one student so you only have to do half the work?
Hailey and Hagley: Yes Mr. Heffernan/Hammermash.
Hailey: It’s Heffernan!
Hagley: Hammerman!
Hailey: Heffernan!
Hagley: Whatever! [Farts]
Mr. Heffernan: So you’re obviously the smart twin, and you must be…the athletic twin?
Hailey: No, that’s also me.
Mr. Heffernan: So what does she do?
Hagley: I’m good at crosswords.
Hailey: She means word search, and she’s not good at that either.
Hagley: No, crosswords!
Hailey: Oh right! She’s good at swearing.
Hagley: Ass right I am!
Mr. Heffernan: Has this plan ever worked?
Hailey: No…we just change schools ever day.
Mr. Heffernan: Wait, which one of you is the real Hailey?
Hailey: I guess you’ll never know. [Winks]
Hagley: It’s not me, my name is Hagley! [Winks, makes a longer farting noise this time; Hailey sighs, title screen shows up]
Amy Adams: WOW!! Thank you! Thank you very much! Hello! I’m Amy Adams, and welcome to “Saturday Night Live”! And I have been having such an incredible time here, and everyone has been treating me like a real princess! [ she laughs ] Um — I’ve been working with so many talented, wonderful people this week, and — get this, the cutest thing is that one of the cast members, she — she looks so much like me! She could be my sister, you know? [ she glances offscreen ] Kristen? Come up here! Everybody — Kristen Wiig!
[ Kristen Wiig appears on stage ]
Look at us.
[ they put their heads together and smile ]
Isn’t it amazing? Actually, we are SO similar that, uh, we were up for a lot of the same parts in the show, and, three or four times this week, Kristen was gracious enough to step aside. [ Kristen frowns ] But… she’s fine with it! We’re like BEST friends! [ Kristen giggles nervously ] We’re like SISTERS!
Kristen Wiig: [ giggles more nervously, throws her arms in the air ] SIS-TERS!
[ the house band begins to play “What Is This Feeling (Loathing)”, from the movie “Wicked” ]
Amy Adams: “What is this feeling, so sudden and new?”
Kristen Wiig: “I felt it the moment I laid eyes on you.”
Amy Adams: “My pulse is rushing.”
Kristen Wiig: “My head is reeling.”
Amy Adams: “My face is flushing.”
Together: “What is this feeling? Fervid as a flame Does it have a name? Ye-e-e-e-e-ssss! Loathing Unadulterated loathing.”
Kristen Wiig: “For your face…”
Amy Adams: “Jaguar!”
Kristen Wiig: “‘Your clothing!”
Together: “Let’s just say I loathe it all! Every little trait however small Makes my very flesh begin to crawl With simple utter loathing There’s a strange exhileration In such total detestation It’s so pure, so strong! Though I do admit it came on fast Still I do believe that it can last And I will be loathing, loathing you My whole life long!”
Amy Adams: I am younger than you!
Kristen Wiig: I am taller than you!
Amy Adams: I have my original teeth!
Kristen Wiig: I’m… taller than you!
Amy Adams: Wait — wait — this is — this is crazy. I mean, I want you to know that no matter what happens tonight, Kristen… I loathe you! [ she slaps Kristen across the face ] I honestly loathe you!
Kristen Wiig: Ohhh, Amy! [ she punches Amy across the face ] I loathe you, too!
[ they hug one another at a distance, how sweet ]
Together: “Though I do admit it came on fast Still I do believe that it can last And I will be loathing For forever Loathing Truly deeply Loathing you… My whole life lo-o-o-o-o-ong!”
[ Amy pushes Kristen out frame ]
Amy Adams: We’ve got a —
[ Kristen runs back into frame ]
Together: GREAT SHOW!!!
Amy Adams: Vampire Weekend is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
