Category: 1995

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

The Elevator

Normal Guy…..David Schwimmer
Rude Passenger…..Will Ferrell
Second Rude Passenger…..Mark McKinney
First Gay Guy…..Tim Meadows
Second Gay Guy…..Jim Breuer
Seemingly Normal Guy…..Norm MacDonald
Cute Woman…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on Normal Guy entering a service elevator. One floor later, a woman enters, casually acknowledges her fellow passenger, then gets off at the next floor. On that same floor, a Rude Passenger enters the elevator. As soon as the doors close, he promptly steps in front of the Normal Guy, crowding his space. ]

Normal Guy: [ dismayed ] Can I.. can I help you?

Rude Passenger: No, I’m fine.

[ elevator stops at next floor, as Second Rude Passenger enters, pushes the button for his floor, then crowds onto the other side of the Normal Guy ]

Normal Guy: [ jumps loose ] Okay, what, what, what? What’s going on? There’s a whole elevator here.

Rude Passenger: [ confused ] I’m sorry?

Second Rude Passenger: [ more confused ] Sorry?

Normal Guy: Well, there’s a whole elevator.. it’s just, you know.. most people stick to one side of the elevator or the other!

Second Rude Passenger: Ohhhh, I’m sorry.. you know, I was looking for the Elevator Instructions when I came in here. Where are they posted? I must have missed them.

Rude Passenger: Me, too. Thank God Mr. Elevator Monitor is here to teach us how to stand inside this thing.

Normal Guy: Look, I’m just saying that’s what people do, you know?

[ elevator stops at Rude Passengers’ floor ]

Second Rude Passenger: Well, my floor. You can have your precious elevator back! [ exits ]

Rude Passenger: Yeah, I’d better get out before he calls theElevator Police! [ exits ]

[ Normal Guy is flabbergasted by the episode that just occurred, but remains in the elevator. At the next stop, two gay guys enter and immediately hover into his personal space ]

Normal Guy: [ dumbfounded ] Okay, why? Why? What’s going on here?

First Gay Guy: [ confused ] What.

Normal Guy: Well, I know I don’t own the elevator.. but, you know, it’s a big elevator, right?

First Gay Guy: Right.

Normal Guy: I mean, I’ve seen them bring up, like, huge desks in here. You know, there’s a lot of room over there and over there and over there.. so, why? Why are you here? Why are you on top of me?! You’re standing on top of me, why?

First Gay Guy: We’re gay.

Normal Guy: Ah. O-kay.

Second Gay Guy: You’re straight, right?

Normal Guy: Yeah..

Second Gay Guy: Cool.

[ elevator stops at next floor ]

First Gay Guy: Well, let’s try the other one, Phil. [ they exit ]

[ Seemingly Normal Guy enters the elevator, maintaining a respectabledistance from the Normal Guy ]

Normal Guy: How’s it going?

Seemingly Normal Guy: Good!

Normal Guy: Good.

Seemingly Normal Guy: [ turns around and faces the back wall ]

Normal Guy: Hey? Are you okay?

Seemingly Normal Guy: Yeah, I am.. Hey, you’re not one of themgay elevator guys, are you? You just ditched some of your buddies, there!

Normal Guy: No! No!

Seemingly Normal Guy: Yeah, yeah! Yeah, right.

[ elevator stops at next floor, as two more guys enter and immediately press their body against the back wall just like the Seemingly Normal Guy. Seeing no other recourse but to join the statud quo, the Normal Guy turns around and also faces the wall. At the next stop, all three wall-facing guys exit the elevator, leaving the Normal Guy in that awkward position as a Cute Woman enters ]

Cute Woman: [ concerned by this odd display ] Excuse me?

Normal Guy: Yeah?

Cute Woman: Are you okay?

Normal Guy: What?

Cute Woman: Are you okay?

Normal Guy: [ turns around and realizes the other three guys have left ] Oh..! Oh.. yeah.. I’m fine, it’s just.. [ chuckles, and tries to forget the previous incident ]

Cute Woman: [ smiles ] Um.. could you help me with something?

Normal Guy: Oh, sure. [ Cute Woman jumps into his arms, lockingherself into a more comfortable position, but making him feeling awkward once more ] So, uh.. oh, you’re in Sales, right?

Cute Woman: Uh, no, I’m not.

[ elevator stops at her floor, so she climbs down from Normal Guy’s arms and exits. At that moment, two guys doing handstands hobble into the elevator ]

Voice of Handstand Man: 32, please?

Normal Guy: [ cooperative, despite the situation ] 32? Sure.[ presses the button ]

[ as the elevator doors close, the two guys doing handstands hobble into the Normal Guy’s personal space and crowd him, as scene zooms out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Fuzzy Memories

Narrator…..Jack Handey

[ open on “Fuzzy Memories” book sitting before a roaring fire ]

Announcer: Fuzzy Memories —

[ hand reaches it to open the book to the first page, labled “by Jack Haney” ]

— by Jack Handey.

[ hand turns the page to an animated visual of the following sequence: Mom and Dad addressing the kids, and the holiday meal that followed ]

Narrator: I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one when we didn’t even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down, and explained that business hadn’t been good at Dad’s store. So we couldn’t afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine.

[ dissolve to the young Jack entering his parents’ bedroom ]

Later, I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom to thank them, and I caught them eating a little turkey. I guess that wasn’t really the best Thanksgiving.

[ return to the first page, as the hand closes the book and returns to the cover ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Goodnights

…..David Schwimmer

[ Cheri Oteri stands bashfully next to David Schwimmer, who’s holding a jar with a few dollar bills inside of it ]

David Schwimmer: So, uh.. Cheri made a little mistake earlier tonight. [ cast members laugh ] Cheri, you know the rules. [ turns the jar around to reveal it has “Swear Jar” written on it; Cheri drops a dollar into it ] Alright. [ Cheri covers her mouth and mimes zipping her lips ] Special thanks to Gary Coleman – Barry Williams – Jimmy Walker – Lisa Kudrow – Jennifer Aniston – and Natalie Merchant! [ places the Swear Jar on the floor ] Thanks, everyone! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Grayson Moorhead Securities I

Arthur Grayson…..Jim Downey

[ SUPER: “Grayson Moorhead Securities. A Tradition of Excellence.” ]

Narrator: On Wall Street, trendy investment fads have come and gone over the years, but not at Grayson Moorhead, where we’ve always stuck to the basic principles set forth by Arthur Grayson nearly 80 years ago.

Arthur Grayson: Our clients must be our first priority.

[ SUPER: “The Tradition Endures” ]

We will take our client’s money and invest it. Part of the profit we will keep for ourselves; the rest we will give to the client.

[ SUPER: “A Tradition of Security” ]

We will make a list of our clients, and how much money each of them has given us to invest. We will keep this list in a safe place. If we have time, we will make a copy of the list, in case something happens to the first list.

[ SUPER: “A Tradition of Listening” ]

Listen to your client. It’s the only way to know what he’s saying.

[ SUPER: “A Tradition of Trust” ]

If a client is talking, and you’re not listening, and he notices, and he accuses you of not listening, just say, “Sure, I’ve been listening, I’ve heard every word you’ve said.” If he then says, “Alright, tell me what I’ve been talking about.” Just say, “You’ve been talking about your investments. Which stocks to buy and so on.” That way the client will think you’ve been listening, even though you haven’t.

[ SUPER: “A Tradition of Integrity” ]

We will invest only in white-owned businesses.

Narrator: Not all of Arthur Grayson’s principles are followed today, but at Grayson Moorhead we still believe in the basics.

Arthur Grayson: Don’t leave the client’s money lying around. Keep it in a safe place. For example: where we keep the list.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Grayson Moorhead Securities II

Arthur Grayson…..Jim Downey

Narrator: To Arthur Grayson, there was no substitute for knowingthe market.

Arthur Grayson: Clients will rely on us for market expertise. If the day ever comes when a client knows more about the market than we do, copy him. Do what he does.

[ SUPER: “Writing Brokers’ Names on Slips of Paper” ]

Once a year, we will write each broker’s name on a slip of paper and then place the slips in a hat. Each broker will then draw a slip of paper from the hat. He will buy a gift for the broker whose name he has drawn. He will be that broker’s “Secret Santa.”

[ SUPER: “Drawing Again” ]

If a broker draws his own name from the hat, he will draw again.

[ SUPER: “Taking Special Care” ]

We must take special care of the list with each client’s name and the amount of money he has invested. If we were to lose that list, we would be ruined.

[ SUPER: “If My Wife Calls” ]

If my wife calls while I’m in shagging my secretary, tell her I’m at a board meeting. That way I’ll be able to continue shagging my secretary without my wife knowing about it.

[ SUPER: “the tradition continues…” ]

If my wife were to find out about me and my secretary, that would be bad. As bad as losing the list.

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Kids. vs. Grownups

Jeffrey Moore…..David Schwimmer
Kyle Richards…..Will Ferrell
Brad Robert…..Jim Breuer

Announcer: The Nickelodeon Channel presents.. “Kids. vs. Grownups”. With your host, Jeffrey Moore.

Jeffrey Moore: Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to “Kids vs. Grownups”, the show that answers the age-old question: Who’s better? Kids, or Grownups? Who do you think are better? [ kids on left side of audience cheer loudly ] Well, let’s find out, let’s meet our contestants.. [ turns to a pair of kids ] ..Kyle and Samantha. Are you the kids, or the grownups? [ laughs ] Kyle? How old are you?

Kyle: 8.

Jeffrey Moore: And, you, Samantha?

Samantha: I just turned 10 yesterday.

Jeffrey Moore: Oh, well.. Happy Birthday, Samantha! Did you getwhat you wanted?

Samantha: No. I wanted a bunny.

Jeffrey Moore: Oh, I’m sorry.. well, maybe next year. Now, let’s meet the grownups.

Dale: Hi! I’m Dale Butterworth, I’m from Madisonville, New Jersey. I’m 42 years old, and I’m a grownup! [ laughs, as kids boo and grownups cheer ]

Mary: And I’m Mary McGowen, I’m from Wilmington, Deleware, and, Jeff, I’ve just got one thing to say: Grownups Rule! [ kids boo, grownups cheer ]

Jeffrey Moore: Well, let’s get started. Dinky, do you have thequestions? [ Dinky, a grownup dressed as a tiger runs up with the gamecards ] Dinky, do you do for Halloween, dress up like a normalperson? Ha ha! [ Dinky runs off ] Kids, are you ready? Grownups? Ooh, it’s a Science question! Kyle, do you like Science? [ reads card ] “Where on the female body would you find a clitoris?”

Mary: [ buzzes in ] The vagina?

Jeffrey Moore: That’s right! [ grownups cheer, kids boo ] Alright. Question 2: [ reads card ] “The clinical term for a man peaking too soon?”

Dale:[ buzzes in ] Premature Ejaculation!

Jeffrey Moore: That’s correct! [ grownups cheer, kids boo ] Dale, are you an “expert” on that subject?

Dale: [ laughs ] Yeah!

Jeffrey Moore: Now, kids, can you hear me over here? Is your buzzer working? [ checks ] Okay! Oh, here’s one about the movies! Who likes the movies! [ Kyle and Samantha raised their hands in excitement ] Okay.. [ reads card ] “In the movie, ‘Showgirls’, what was the name of the strip club everyone went to?”

Dale: [ buzzes in ] The Cheetah Club.

Jeffrey Moore: Yes! [ grownups cheer, kids boo ]

Kyle: [ pouting ] No fair!

Jeffrey Moore: What? Did you say something?

Kyle: It’s not fair! It’s all grownup questions.

Jeffrey Moore: Oh, it’s not fair! Well, boo hoo hoo! What are you going to do, tell your Mommy? [ back to questions ] Okay.. here’s one about a Walt Disney movie.. [ turns to the kids ] Okay, Kyle, are you happy? [ reads card ] “In the Walt Disney movie ‘Aladdin’, Aladdin falls in love with a beautiful princess. What is the name..”

Samantha: [ buzzes in ] Princess Jasmine!

Jeffrey Moore: [ angry ] You want to let me finish! Would you let me finish the question! [ reads card ] “What is the name of the CEO of the Walt Disney company?”

Dale: [ buzzes in ] Michael Eisner?

Jeffrey Moore: That’s right! [ grownups cheer, kids cry ] Whoa, whoa! Excuse me, are you crying? Are you crying? You know, if you cry, you forfeit the game. Okay? I’m gonna give you three seconds to stop – 1, 2.. [ kids stop crying ] Okay. Now for the Dinky Double! This question is worth 100 points! [ reads question ] “According to the 1963 song, where is the answer blowing?”

Kyle: [ buzzes in, beating the grownups ] In the wind?

Jeffrey Moore: What?

Kyle: In the wind!

Jeffrey Moore: Do you know, or are you guessing? Do you know, or are you guessing? You’re guessing, aren’t you..? No points! 0! You don’t get any points for guessing! Grownups?

Grownups: [ buzzing in ] In the wind!

Jeffrey Moore: That’s right! [ kids boo harder ] Shut up! Shut up, you little bastards! Grow up! You think the world revolves around you?! So, the grownups are ahead, 450 to nothing. But the kids have one last chance – the Physical Challenge! [ Dinky brings out a Tetherball pole ] Oh, look, it’s Tetherball! Dale? Samantha? Please. Now, you know the rules – first one around the pole wins. Ready? Go!

[ Dale quickly grans the ball and swings it high above the pole whereSamantha can’t possibly reach it – the kids boo at the deceitful victory. ]

Jeffrey Moore: The grownups win! Alright, now, let’s see what you’ve won.. [ Dinky rolls out a bunny cage ] Oh, look.. it’s a bunny! And, look.. uncovers the second part of the prize ] ..a pot to cook it in! Oh, yeah, rabbit stew! Hey, save some for me! [ laughs ] Oh, don’t worry, kids.. you’re not going to go away empty-handed.. oh, wait, I’m sorry.. yes, yes you are! [ the kids scream ] Alright, that’s it! You all have detention! After the show, you’re gonna sit right here and think about how you’ve been acting!

[ turns to the camera ]

Thank you! Good night, everybody! See you next time on “Kids vs. Grownups“.. [ a soda can hits his arm ] Who threw that?! Who threw that?!

[ he and Dale run after the perputrator, as the game show fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

David Schwimmer’s Monologue

…..David Schwimmer
…..Lisa Kudrow
…..Jennifer Aniston
…..Gary Coleman
…..Barry Williams
…..Jimmy Walker

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – David Schwimmer!

David Schwimmer: Thank you. I’m not just saying that, but, uh.. it really is – it really is g to be here. In fact, when I was a kid growing up, I used to watch “Saturday Night Live” and wondered what it would feel like, you know, just to walk out on this stage knowing that millions of people were watching you. And, uh.. I have to say, now that I’m here – it’s a little scary. And a little lonely.

[ the house begins to play the theme from “Friends” on the piano ]

David Schwimmer: It’s times like these your kind of wish you had a friend around. “It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear / When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.”

[ suddunly, a familiar figure rises from the front row of the audience ]

Lisa Kudrow: I’ll be there for you, David.

David Schwimmer: “When the rain starts to pour,” Lisa?

[ Jennifer Aniston rises from her seat beside Lisa ]

Jennifer Aniston: We’ll be there for you, David.

David Schwimmer: “Like you’ve been there before,” Jen? [ happily ] Come on up here, you guys!

[ Lisa and Jennifer join David at Home Base, as he wraps hos arms around the two of them and hugs ]

David Schwimmer: Well, anyway —

[ suddenly, Gary Coleman appears from Stage Left ]

Gary Coleman: “Now, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum / What might be right for you, may not be right for some / It takes Diff’rent Strokes / It takes, Diff’rent Strokes to move the world.”

David Schwimmer: That’s right, Gary —

[ another surprise, as Barry Williams steps out from within the band area ]

Barry Willians: “Here’s a story, of a lovely lady / Who was bringing up three very lovely girls / All of them had hair of gold like their mother / The youngest one in curls.”

David Schwimmer: So, anyway — well, uh.. we’ve got a great, great show for you tonight —

[ the biggest surprise of all, as Jimmy Walker bursts from behind the host entrance door ]

Jimmy Walker: “Good Times / Any time you meet a payment!”

[ a huge church choir follows him onto the stage, singing the theme song in full ]

Choir: “Good Times / Any time you meet a payment / Good Times / Any time you need a friend / Good Times / Any time you’re out from under / Not getting hassled, not getting hustled / Keepin’ your head above water / Making a wave when you can.”

David Schwimmer: “Temporary lay offs.”

All: “Good Times.”

Gary Coleman: “Easy credit rip offs.”

All: “Good Times / Scratchin’ and surviving / Good Times / Hangin in a chow line / Good Times / Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em / Good Times!”

David Schwimmer: Well, uh.. that’s what friends are for! We’ve got a great show! Natalie Merchant is here tonight, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3

95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Natalie Merchant performs “Wonder”

…..David Schwimmer
…..Natalie Merchant

David Schwimmer: Ladies and gentlemen – Natalie Merchant.

Natalie Merchant: [ singing ]
“Doctors have come from distant cities just to see me
Stand over my bed, disbelieving what they’re seeing
They say I must be one if the wonder’s of God’s own creation
And as far as they see they can offer no explanation.

Newspapers ask intimate questions, want confessions
They reach into my head to steal the glory, of my story
They say I must be one if the wonder’s of God’s own creation
And as far as they see they can offer no explanation.

Oo-oo-ooh, I believe, that Fate smiles down on Destiny,
Laughed as she came to my cradle
“Know this child will be able.”
Laughed as my body, she lifted,
“Know this child will be gifted, with love, with patience,
and with faith, she’ll make her way, she’ll make her way.”

People see me, I’m a challange to your balance,
And I’m, I’m over your heads, how I confound you, and astound you
To know I must be one if the wonder’s of God’s own creation
And as far as you see you can offer no explanation.

Oo-oo-ooh, I believe, that Fate smiles down on Destiny,
Laughed as she came to my cradle
“Know this child will be able”
Laughed as she came to my mother
“Know this child will not suffer”
Laughed as my body, she lifted,
“Know this child will be gifted, with love, with patience,
and with faith, she’ll make her way, she’ll make her way
Oh, she’ll make her way.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 28th, 1995

Gabriel Byrne

Alanis Morrisette

None

Bill Bradley

Lamar Alexander

Colin Quinn

Cheryl Hardwick

Lorne Michaels

Chipper Jones

Chrissy Hynde

Mark Wohlers

Tom Glavine

Paula Pell
Halloween in New HampshireSummary: Republican Presidential hopefuls harass a suburban homeowner in New Hampshire on her doorstep on Halloween night.

Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, Bill Clinton, Ross Perot.

Transcript

Montage

Gabriel Byrne’s MonologueSummary: As Gabriel Byrne explains that he won’t be mocked by the usual Irish stereotypes, a liquor bottle (Fred Wolf) and a potato (Colin Quinn) dance behind his back.

Marshall Power ToolsSummary: John Marshall, Jr. (David Koechner) and his family members make great use of their power tools, despite their lack of body parts.

Transcript

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Excitable Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) auditions for school talent show.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

Cooking With KeithSummary: A stoned Keith Richards (Gabriel Byrne) hosts a cooking show with a little help from a pair of bimbos.

Recurring Characters: Keith Richards.

Transcript

Alanis Morissette performs “Hand In My Pocket”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Phil Donahue (Darrell Hammond) finds that he’s easily overlooked thanks to Sally Jesse Raphael. Cheri Oteri acts immature with Molly Shannon, David Spade and Norm MacDonald during her editorial.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Miracles of GeneticsSummary: A doctor (Gabriel Byrne) who specializes in genetics introduces prospective parents (Mark McKinney, Nancy Walls) to the aged clone (Darrell Hammond) of their unborn child.

Transcript

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade delivers a taped report from the World Series.

Transcript

Alanis Morissette performs “All I Really Want”Lyrics

Special LadiesSummary: Paying tribute to The Bridges of Madison County, romance author Robin Walker (Gabriel Byrne) reveals his preference for wooing much older ladies.

Transcript

Rikers Island GuardSummary: Riker’s Island prison warden (Gabriel Byrne) dismisses a guard (Tim Meadows) with a fondness for being anally-raped by the inmates.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Special Ladies

Shop Owner…..Nancy Walls
Robin Walker…..Gabriel Byrne
Woman #1…..Molly Shannon
Woman #2…..Cheri Oteri

Shop Owner: Well, I’m proud to announce that, despite the flash flood knocking out the main road, this is the largest turnout we’ve ever had for a reading at The Book Worm! It is noew my proud pleasure to introduce to you a man who is not afraid to celebrate the mature woman. The author of The Golden Ache is Missing You – Mr. Robin Walker!

[ the women cheer him out ]

Robin Walker: Oh, thank you. Thank you, ladies, for giving respite to this.. this poet, this traveler, this dreamer. Would you take pity on me, and be my special ladies tonight? [ the women squeal with approval ] Before I read from my novel, The Golden Ache of Missing You, I’d like to share with you some of my musings. I wrote this poem last night, when I was out camping next to my dusty, vintage truck.. thinking about the special lady that I loved and.. lost. [ the women sigh ] I call this one: “Special Lady”.

[ recites ]
“Night masks the great Niagra
As I fall, oh fall
in love with you, Special Lady.
Dawn awakens over the Serrengetti
but I won’t forgetti
you, my Special Lady.”
[ the women squeal in admiration ]

Thank you. You’re so.. You’re so special. Would anybody mind if I read a passage from my personal diary? [ no complaints ] I, uh.. I wrote this while I stared anagmatically out the window of an Iowa coffeeshop. [ reads ]

“Why is it that older women can’t see how beautiful they are? I don’t want some teenaged girl, untouched by life’s experience. Give me, instead, a woman with eyes worn from witnessing a thousand sunny days, a stomach strecthed from childbirth, her fanny spread from years of sitting behind a desk. Now that is a woman I will make love to in the bayous of Baton Rouge!!”

[ the women squeal excitedly, unable to take it ]

Ladies, before I go on, perhaps you have some questions for this weary wanderer?

[ all the women jump at the chance to ask him a question ]

Woman #1: Mr Walker!

Robin Walker: Yes. Special Lady.

Woman #1: Uh.. if it’s not too painful, Mr. Walker.. would you mind telling us about Francesca? The special lady that you loved and lost.

Robin Walker: Yes. Of course. You know,I lost her in a blizzard in Iowa.

Woman #2: What was she like? What was she like?

Robin Walker: She was.. she was the most desirable woman in the world – to me. 55 years old, long graying hair, breasts ripened by gravity, and a lot of bridgework. Oh.. how I loved her.

Shop Owner: You must miss her terribly.

Robin Walker: Yes, I do. You know, I still fantasize about what our.. future might have been like.. Sometimes, I see her at 85, working in her beloved garden, her hands swollen from arthritis. I gently take her cane, she falls into my arms. I carry her slowly up the staircase, her experienced lips meet mine in an endless kiss as I lead her to the adjustable bed. And I tease her earlobe with my tongue, and slowly run my hand along her support hose.. and I know that, without words, she is mine.. forever.

[ the women are silent ]

Woman #1: Um.. um.. we don’t like that story.

Robin Walker: I’m sorry? I.. I.. I don’t understand..

Shop Owner: Well.. you’re talking about having sex with an old lady. Like, somebody’s grandmother.

Robin Walker: I prefer to think of them as very, very mature,special ladies. I often think, sometimes, a prune is sweeter than a plum.

[ the women eeuggh ]

Shop Owner: Are you saying you want to have sex with an 85-year-old?!

Robin Walker: Yes! Why not! Love has no age!

Woman #2: I think that’s disgusting! [ everyone agrees ] Older women should not be used for your sexual fantasies!

Shop Owner: Old ladies are sweet and innocent! They don’t wannahave sex!

Robin Walker: Oh, what hypocrites you are! Oh yes, it’s fine to find middle-aged women exciting and sexy! But a women in her golden years is used up? Good for nothing but making doilies and handing out peppermints? Is that what you’re saying?

Women: Yes!!

[ the women angrily exit the bookstore ]

Robin Walker: But you’re wrong, I tell you! They’re beautiful! And desirable! I’ll tell you this – thirty years from now, you’ll be singing a different tune! Oh, yes! I understand the tangled web of women’s emotions! [ they all leave ] Ah, go, you hypocrites!

[ one Old Lady remains seated ]

Old Lady: Young man?

Robin Walker: Yes, Special Lady.

Old Lady: Would you like to have.. a peppermint?

Robin Walker: Oh, yes. I think I’d like that.. very much..

[ the Old Lady walks up to Robin, and falls into his arms as they dance in the middle of the bookstore ]

[ Music Over: “Up Where We Belong”, Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts