[ open on Terry Ferguson standing in front of an office building ]
Terry Ferguson: I’m Terry Ferguson, abnd I love America! [ holds up his thumb ]
[ cut to American flag with “Terry Ferguson for Senate” ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson loves America.
[ cut to Terry Ferguson looking confused as a Chinese cook talks. Terry smiles sheepishly. ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson believes in the power of good times!
[ cut to Terry Ferguson running up to a woman on the street, shaking her hand hesitantly, then steps aside with a confused look on his face ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson is not a Washington insider like his opponent, Gary Simmons. Let’s look at the facts:
[ cut to picture of Gary Simmons with “Washington Insider” atop a pair of boxes marked “Yes” and “No.” ]
Announcer: Washington insider for over twelve years?
[ “Yes” box is checked ]
[ picture now reads “Interns” atop a pair of boxes marked “Yes” and “No.” ]
Announcer: Interns working under him?
[ “Yes” box is checked ]
[ picture now reads “Genitals” atop a pair of boxes marked “Yes” and “No.” ]
Announcer: Has genitals?
[ “Yes” box is checked ]
[ cut to Terry Ferguson standing in front of a fountain ]
Terry Ferguson: Twenty-three years ago, I lost my genitals in a fire. and since that time, I haven’t had sex with anyone. In fact, the mere thought of sex gives me phantom pains where my privates used to be. Now, look here – the American school systems rank tenth in the nation. That’s not good. Is it? Let’s try to change that. Vote for me.
[ cut to ad card ]
Announcer: Ferguson for Senate. The thought of sex gives him phantom pains in his genitals!
Terry Ferguson V/O: Paid for by Democrats for Ferguson!
[ open on Terry Ferguson shaking people’s hands as thye walk past him on the sidewalk ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson is a man of the people.
[ cut to Terry waving at people on the sidewalk ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson believes in a strong America.
[ cut to Terry talking with a black man, flinching his head back as the man talks animatedly with his hands ]
Announcer: Terry Ferguson is pro-education.
[ cut to Terry addressing the camera as he crosses the street ]
Terry Ferguson: Hi! I’m Terry Ferguson, Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate. Twenty-three years ago, I lost my privates in a fire, leaving me completely unable to have sex with anyone or anything.
[ cut to close-up of Terry’s face ]
Terry Ferguson: Imagine my surprise when the Democratic Party contacted me to run for Senate. Well, I discussed it with my wife, my doctor, even my co-workers down at Foot Locker. They al said, “Why not?” Look – I don’t cheat on my wife, because I can’t! I lost my genitals in a fire! So, vote for me. And I’ll become a Senator. [ hesitant ] In Washington. [ holds his thumb up ]
[ cut to ad card ]
Announcer: Ferguson for Senate. He lost his genitals in a fire.
Terry Ferguson V/O: Paid for by Democrats for Ferguson!
Teenager: Let’s face it – pizza blows. And burgers? Forget it.
Instead, get your face into new KCF Shredders – juicy iceberg lettuce and tangy mayonnaise served in a bag. It’ll rock your world!
And if the regular portion isn’t enough, then just gigantisize it – for 39 cents more, you get a whole pound of iceberg lettuce and three cups of mayo.
And the KCF Schredder Kids Meal gives you a medium Shredder, a small milk, cole slaw and a rice pudding dessert cup. Kids under 12 get free “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” action figures.
Shredder Italiano comes with crisp iceberg lettuce and herb mayo.
Southwestern Shredder has cool iceberg lettuce and sour cream.
[ dissolve to Vince Thomas standing in front of a wooded area in Snohomish, Washington ]
Vince Thomas: Welcome back! To ESPN2’s coverage of the 1998 Lumberjack Classic. And I’m here with Vince Thomas, our champion — [ Will Ferrell steps into the frame, confused, as Kelsey stops, gleams at the cue cards and corrects himself ] I’m Vince Thomas, rather. Here with our champion, Clive Sundstrum. [ holds the microphone in front of Ferrell’s face, but he fails to respond still looking dazed. Kelsey grins, then pulls the microphone back. ] Clive, your — [ Kelsey cracks up, as Ferrell, looking disgruntled, begins to walks off-frame ] How does it feel! [ holds the microphone back in Ferrell’s direction ] Come on.
Clive Sundstrum: [ returns to frame ] Uh – well, first of all, I – I have to give thanks to the Lord for blessing me today. Uh – I was swinging great, my cuts were clean, and, with Jesus Christ at my side, I pulled it off.
Vince Thomas: Tell us about the pole-climbing competititon, that is traditionally your weakest event. But, this year, different story!
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. Well, uh – I was halfway up the pole, I was getting kind of tired, and, uh, suddenly, just like He’s done so many times before, Jesus Christ, Eternal Son of God, climbed into my arms.
Vince Thomas: Jesus did?
Clive Sundstrum: Right. Jesus. And, uh – once He was in my arms, I just, uh – zoooom!! – flew right up the pole. That was all Jesus.
Vince Thomas: Okay. Wow! Quite a display.
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. Yeah, I know. Some day He’ll sit in judgement over us all, but.. for now, He’s helping me win lumberjack contests. It’s great to have Him aboard!
Vince Thomas: Well, now, you hit a rough spot in the underhand chopping event —
Clive Sundstrum: Yep.
Vince Thomas: A few mis-hits, you swung an axe handle. What happened?
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah. I gotta say, Jesus really blew that one. Uh.. I know I had a — He had a long day – a plane went down, there was an earthquake somewhere, I think – uh – but I’m trying to win a title here! I can’t afford to have Jesus fall asleep at the wheel! Okay?
Vince Thomas: Yeah. You and Jesus seemed to have pulled it together after that, though?
Clive Sundstrum: Yeah! Good ol’ Jesus. He’s a clutch player! The guy’s a winner. He’s got a lot of heart.
Vince Thomas: Right. Right. Joining us now, is second-place finisher, Bill Fromph, from Grisham, Oregon. Bill. Wow. Touch luck today, huh? What happened?
Bill Fromph: Uh, well – you can’t expect to win a classic like this without a little help from, uh – J.C. on your side. You know? What can I say? I guess, uh, Clive’s always hogging Jesus!
Vince Thomas: Clive, how do you respond to the allegation that you are a Jesus hog?
Clive Sundstrum: Hey! Hey, I’m not the boss of Jesus, okay? If the Son of God wants to help me climb poles and roll dudes off logs – hey, I’m all for it!
Bill Fromph: Hey, that’s a bunch of crap, man! You know – if he gets Jesus, we should get Jesus! Yeah! He always gets all the Jesus! Give us some Jesus!!
Clive Sundstrum: Hey, you shut up!! Don’t make me get Jesus on you!!
Vince Thomas: [ stunned ] Once again – the power and partisanship of Jesus Christ, reeking havoc here at the Lumberjack Championship. Let’s take a look at the standings.
[ dissolve to the Standings board:
lumberjack classic
1. clive sundstrum/jesus 2. bill fromph 3. jim simpson 4. tim rogers 5. boyd hale 6. grant le saux 7. todd greene 8. mitch weinstein ]
Vince Thomas V/O: As you can see, finishing first is the team of Sundstrum and Christ; Rogers, the Episcopalean, placed fourth; and, once again, coming dead last: Mitch Weinstein.
[ dissolve back to Vince Thomas with Clive Sundstrum and an appropriately-dressed Mitch Weinstein ]
Vince Thomas: Mitch joins us now. Mitch? This has got to hurt, huh?
Mitch Weinstein: Well, uh – I’ve given Yahweh every chance you could ask for, but, uh.. he just wasn’t giving me the juice. [ smiles ] But, uh, the good news is, I found Jesus!
Vince Thomas: Really?
Mitch Weinstein: Yeah! Uh – He was hanging out at the Gatorade booth, and, uh, you know, if all goes well, Jesus might be playing for Team Weinstein next year!
Vince Thomas: Well! Great news! [ chuckles heartily, as Mitch exits ] One mroe question, Clive: You’ve hinted at retirement, will you be back next year?
Clive Sundstrum: Uh – well, I’m gonna relax for a while, maybe Jesus and I will go to a theme park. Well.. then, we’ll see. [ exits ]
Vince Thomas: Encouraging words, from a great champion. That’s it! From the Lumberjack Classic. I’d like to thank.. Jesus Christ, for giving my brain and tongue the strength to conduct this interview. Back after this! [ rolls his eyes ]
A STAGEHAND dresses WILL FERRELL in pajamas as quick as she can.
Will Ferrell: I dont want to miss my cue.
LORNE MICHAELS enters.
Lorne Michaels: Will you hurry up, Ferrell!? Youve been screwing up all night. Will you stop thinking about your movie and get into the game?
KELSEY GRAMMER enters.
Kelsey Grammer: Im sick of you messing up, man!
Kelsey shoves Will.
Kelsey Grammer: Im really sick of it! For God sakes - Im a professional. My show just won five Emmys.
Will Ferrell: Cmon, guys - quit it.
CHERI OTERI & TIM MEADOWS come on scene.
Cheri Oteri: Hey, Will, you busy being a jackass?
Cheri shoves Will.
Tim Meadows: Yeah. Are you?
Tim shoves Will.
Kelsey Grammer: Looks like it to me. Wills a jackass!
Kelsey boots Will in the ass. Cheri & Tim shove Will some more.
Will Ferrell: Hey! You guys are jerks!
Kelsey Grammer: Cmon, man!
Lorne moves closer to Will.
Lorne Michaels: What did you say? You best not be stepping up, bro!
Tim Meadows: Hey! Kick his ass, Lorne!
Cheri Oteri: Yeah! Do it!
Kelsey Grammer: Yeah! You little baby! Do it!
Kelsey boots Will again.
Kelsey Grammer: Look at him!
Will Ferrell: Cmon!
Everyone begins to taunt Will.
O/S Voice: Hey! Hey! Leave him alone!
SHAQUILLE ONEAL comes in from behind. Dead silence.
Tim Meadows: Shaquille ONeal.
Lorne Michaels: Wow.
Shaquille O’Neal: No one hurts Will Ferrell while Im around.
Shaq grabs Wills hand and they trail off.
Shaquille O’Neal: Back off!
Everyone stands in silence, mouths open.
Will Ferrell: Thanks Shaq. Shaq, why do they always pick on me?
Shaquille O’Neal: I dont know, man.
Both men whisk past playback monitors and members of the audience and stop at a green-screen set, superimposed with a clear, blue sky. Shaq lifts Will and cradles him in his arms.
Shaquille O’Neal: [singing] No ones going to hurt my little man, As long as Im around. I do all I can! To make people understand, That he is special.
Shaquille O’Neal: You are special, Will.
Shaq puts Will down. Will throws his arms around Shaq.
Will Ferrell: [singing] If anything is safe and warm, When Im in Shaqs arms.Ill never be harmed And Ill always be charmed, By my large friend.
Shaq sways his body, arms, and snaps at the same time. Will jumps up and down, smiling bright and wide.
Shaquille O’Neal: [singing] When trouble comes, To carry you away. All you got to do, Is say everythings okay. For who, youll be my reward Will.
Shaq picks up and cradles Will.
Shaquille O’Neal: [singing] Thatll be my reward, Will.
Will Ferrell: [singing] And when Im in Shaqs arms, I know that Im his little man. And the earth can be a promised land.
Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon Graham Stansler…..Kelsey Grammer
[ open on Margaret Jo McCUllen and Teri Rialto broadcasting their show in the great outdoors ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.
Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to..
Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Teri, Autumn is here, and, as you know, that can mean only one thing for us: leaf –
Teri Rialto: Thoughts of a Christmas suicide.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Actually, Teri, I think you meant leaf-watching.
Teri Rialto: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s what I meant. [ slight giggle ] I love Fall. And that’s why we’re broadcasting today from the Cataranga State Park in the Shenandoah Valley.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Teri and I thought we’d share some of the splendor of Fall’s color explosion with you today.
[ an animal can be heard howling off screen ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Oooh, what was that? It’s beautiful.
Teri Rialto: Ah. It’s neat. It’s like a crazy kaleidoscope out here.
Margaret Jo McCullen: I know. I feel like I’m on acid!
Teri Rialto: I feel like I’m tripping my ass off.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. It’s neat.
Teri Rialto: Really neat.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s fun. It’s a lot like taking acid.
Teri Rialto: It’s trippy.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s good times.
Teri Rialto: Good times.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, we’re sharing our weekend excursion with a special guest.
Teri Rialto: Yes. He is an expert on finding food in the wild, and he’s going to share some secrets with us on snacking au natural.
Margaret Jo McCullen: But don’t worry, he’s still got his clothes on!
Teri Rialto: [ laughs ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Anyway. Please welcome author and naturalist, Graham Stansler. Hi, Graham.
Teri Rialto: Hi, Graham. Thank you for being here.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Graham.
Graham Stansler: Thanks. Hi.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi. I like your beard.
Graham Stansler: But.. I don’t have a –
Margaret Jo McCullen: [ whispering ] It’s radio. They can’t see you!
Teri Rialto: [ whispering ] That’s a good one, a very good one!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Graham, I understand you, and your beard, have spent a lot of time roughing it in the wild. What sorts of things do you like to eat here in the great outdoors?
Graham Stansler: Well, Margaret Jo, any nature walk begins with one essential staple. I’m talking, of course, about GORP.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Oooohh.. GORP! Sounds sexy. Ecstatic.
Graham Stansler: Ah-ha. It is. It is. GORP is an acronym for granola, oatmeal, raisins and peanuts. But for me, it just stands for delicious.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooohh.. Actually, Teri and I have some allergies, so we have to eat it without the granola or oatmeal. We call it RP!
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. I love RP.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s good, isn’t it?
Teri Rialto: I could sure go for some RP right now.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Mmm-hmm.
Graham Stansler: RP? Ha ha ha!
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s delicious.
Graham Stansler: Sounds good! RP! Wow, that’s great!
Margaret Jo McCullen: It is good.
Teri Rialto: It’s very good.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s neat.
Teri Rialto: It’s good times.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times.
Graham Stansler: Oh, it is good times! Of course, if you find yourself on a fairly long nature walk, the GORP soon runs out. And then it’s your challenge to find savory sustenance in the wild.
Teri Rialto: Hmm..
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, what sort of things could we eat right here around us, Graham?
Graham Stansler: Oh. Well. Here, below the tree line, there are lots and lots of exciting things to eat. Bark, moss, even grubs.
Margaret Jo McCullen: What about berries, Graham?
Graham Stansler: Oh, it’s my understanding that some berries are poisonous, and that’s why I avoid them – even the ones in the grocery store.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Oh.
Teri Rialto: Yeah, me too.
Graham Stansler: Now, if you work your way a little higher on the mountain, pickings get a little slimmer. Maybe some likens, some wet soil. But soon, that’s gone, too, and to make matters worse, you realize you’re lost, and you’re starting to suffer from severe hypothermia.
Teri Rialto: Wow. Hypothermia.
Graham Stansler: [ starting to unravel ] Then you think you see a bridge off in the distance, leading to a Kentucky Fried Chicken that floats in the clouds. And your hiking partners have to restrain you. And then night sets in, and you’re huddling in a snow cave drinking your own urine!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, I bet that tastes terrible.
Teri Rialto: It actually doesn’t.
Graham Stansler: After a couple of days, you’re dehydrated! You’ve eaten your boot leather, and you’re going blnid from hunger! That’s when you get desperate! You have to find something to eat! So, you and your buddies draw straws to see which one of you guys isn’t coming down the mountain!
Margaret Jo McCullen: [ unsettled ] Well.. how about we.. maybe talk a little –
Graham Stansler: Then, in perhaps your lowest moment, you cheat to make sure it’s not going to be you. And it turns out to be.. Carl! The godfather of your children! [ sighs heavily ]
Margaret Jo McCullen: Maybe we should talk some more about GORP..
Graham Stansler: You know, it’s really amazing how.. how easy it is.. how easy it is to turn your back on God! How easy it is to steal a little extra Carl while the others aren’t looking! And then a chopper comes and rescues everyone! [ saullen ] But for the rest of your life, everything you eat.. tastes a little like Carl. Gamey, a little stringy. [ sighs ]
Teri Rialto: Okay.. well, thank you very much for coming, Graham.
Graham Stansler: Oh, sure. And thanks for having me, ladies. Remember: GORP stands for granola, oatmeal.. shoe leather, urine.. and Carl!
Margaret Jo McCullen: Okay, anyway, join us next week on The Delicious Dish, when we’ll be back in the studio working through this experience.
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
[ open on exterior shot, White House ]
[ SUPER: WHITE HOUSE – OCTOBER 3rd, 11:28 p.m. ]
[ cut to Clinton bedroom, Bill Clinton in bed talking on phone ]
Bill Clinton: ..the way I see it, I’m gonna set the G7 straight. I’m gonna fix the world economy. Get peace in the Middle East. And then I’m gonna.. bomb.. the hell.. out of Serbia. I am gonna kick some serious ass! [ laughs, bites his lip and holds his thumb out ] What? Yeah, I just bit my lip and did the thumb thing, how’d you know? Ho-oh! No, everything else is great. Really. It seems like the loose ends are finally getting tied up again.. [ looks to the side of the bed ] Ohhh, hi, darling! [ Hillary slams the door and approaches the bed ] I.. uh.. gotta go. [ hangs up phone ]
[ Hillary starts to take her robe off, as Bill watches intently. Angry, Hillary tightly double-knots her robe and quickly jumps into her side of the bed ]
[ hoping for some sort of response from Hillary, Bill feigns laughter, then shuts it off when he realizes she’s not going to give him any favorable response ]
[ Bill reaches across the bureau and grabs a copy of the Holy Bible. He switches his gaze back and forth from the Bible to Hillary, pretending to read the Bible ]
Hillary Clinton: [ looking at Bill “reading” the Holy Bible ] Yeah, right!
[ Bill puts the Holy Bible back on the bureau. With nothing else to do, he picks up the remote control and checks to see what’s on television. ]
Voice on Television: “..And we didn’t have sex, Linda. None. We didn’t have sex.” Tripp: “Well, what do you call it?” Lewinsky: “We fooled around. Having sex is having intercourse.” Tripp: “Ohhh, you’ve been around him too long..”
[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..So, by Bill Clinton’s definition, groping in a bar is sex. Oral sex is sex..
[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..sexual relationship, unquote, with Monica Lewinsky..
[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..The most private details of President Clinton’s sex life..
[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..confirming semen on the dress matches..
[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin [ laughter ] with a cocktail waitress and stale cigars..
[ Bill quickly changes the channel ]
Voice on Television: ..on the Weather Channel, the news is still severe storms blowing down in the Gulf region. Pretty much, uh, like Monica was blowing the Presi-..
[ Bill quickly turns the television off, Hillary having grown more uncomfortable with every channel switch ]
[ Hillary turns the lamp on her side of the bed off ]
[ Bill makes one last attempt at reconciliation for the night and reaches over to cuddle with Hillary ]
Hillary Clinton: Nope!
Bill Clinton: [ pulls away and rolls over on his side of the bed. He looks toward the camera and silently whispers.. ] Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.
Detective Rick Stone…..Kelsey Grammer Lois Charles…..Molly Shannon
[ open on black-and-white film noir scene, set inside Detective Rick Stone’s office ]
Detective Rick Stone V/O: I was sitting in a hot office at midnight in the naked city, sipping $2 gin and wondering when my next paycheck was gonna walk through my door. When suddenly..
[ Lois Charles enters the office ]
Lois Charles: Rick Stone?
Detective Rick Stone V/O: ..it did.
Detective Rick Stone: [ rises ] Who wants to know?
Lois Charles: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Lois Charles.
Detective Rick Stone: I should tell you, kitten, my services don’t come cheap.
Lois Charles: Oh, yeah? Well, fortunately, I came with a few Benjamin Franklins.
Detective Rick Stone: You keep good company, Blue Eyes. Have a seat.
[ she sits ]
Detective Rick Stone V/O: I was playing it cool. But I couldn’t remember which bill Benjamin Franklin was on. A twenty? Nah.. I think it’s the ten. But still, three of those babies, that’s like $47.
Lois Charles: That’s $300, Mr. Stone.
Detective Rick Stone: [ gruff ] I’m well aware of that!
Detective Rick Stone V/O: $300! Hell, with that kind of cabbage, I could buy a burrito! Or I could buy a new suit and a burrito. That all-night suit and burrito place over on State Street, called the 5th Street Suit & Burrito Shack Hut. Wait.. that place doesn’t exist. Damn!
Lois Charles: Mr. Stone? Mr. Stone, you seem a little distracted!
Detective Rick Stone: I’m sorry. I don’t get too many beautiful women in here.
Detective Rick Stone V/O: I don’t get too many burritos in here, either. Except a lot of ’em when I buy ’em and bring ’em here. Ma-a-ann, I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since two-and-a-half minutes ago, when I had a burrito. Not the kind in a tortilla, but the kind that’s made out of iced coffee. Okay. I had an iced coffee. I don’t know why I lied and said it was a burrito. I guess I was trying to impress you. Did it work? Yes? Who was that? Oh. It’s me. It’s cool. Burrito.
Lois Charles: [ getting annoyed ] Mr. Stone! Hello!
Detective Rick Stone: I’m listening, Dame-o. Keep sqawking!
Lois Charles: I said, I think my husband is leaving me!
Detective Rick Stone: I heard ya!
Detective Rick Stone V/O: I did hear her. It’s just, I didn’t know what “husband” or “cheating” meant. Geez, I gotta get a dictionary! I’m still hungry. I’m gonna get rid of this broad, so I can go get a burrito and a suit.
Detective Rick Stone: Alright, darling. Why don’t you just scram, I’ll call you tomorrow with the skinny!
Lois Charles: But you don’t even know what I want you to do yet.
Detective Rick Stone: Oh, I know enough.
[ music sting, as Lois points a gun at Stone ]
Detective Rick Stone V/O: What’s that she’s holding? Oh, good, it’s a burrito. No! It’s a gun!
Lois Charles: You know too much, pallie! Now, put your hands up where I can see them! Come on!
Detective Rick Stone: Hey, what gives, lady!
Lois Charles: You don’t even remember me, do you, Stone? Why.. you.. you exposed the affair that I was having with Mayor Blyer! You humiliated me! And now you’ll die!
[ Lois fires a shot, striking Stone ]
[ Stone falls to the floor, as Lois makes her getaway ]
Detective Rick Stone V/O: It was 12:15 in the naked city, and I had a handful of lead in my belly, courtesy of some crazy dame with a mean streak. The lead wasn’t as filling as a burrito, but I guess for the time being it satisfied my craving for burritos. How long would it last? Based purely on science, I’d say ten minutes. Burrito.
[ open on interior, dark living room, as Bernard sneaks in past his curfew ]
[ suddenly, Dad, seated in wait on the couch, turns the lights on ]
Dad: Bernard, get your ass over here!
Bernard: Sorry I’m late, Dad.
Dad: Sit yo’ ass down! What time was you supposed to be home?
Bernard: Midnight, Dad.
Dad: Okay. Now, what time is it now?
Bernard: Two o’clock, Dad.
Dad: Okay. Using the art of subtraction, how late, exactly, are you?
Bernard: Two hours, Dad?
Dad: Close enough. Listen, Son.. I told you, the next time you were late, I was gonna take you over my knee! Now, lay your ass over my lap!
Bernard: You can’t spank me, Dad, I’m too big!
Dad: Look, I ain’t afraid of you, Bernard! you think I’m a wussie?!
Bernard: No..
Dad: Now, lay your ass on my lap! This is my hise! I got to spank me some butt!
Bernard: Dad!
Dad: Look, the longer you wait, the harder I’m gone hit, Bernard! I ain’t playin’ wit’ you!
[ Bernard lays across Dad’s lap, nearly toppling Dad over the couch due to Bernard’s large stature ]
Dad: You can’t get too big for me! Okay? Now, here it comes! [ raises arm and swats Bernard’s butt in repeated motion ] How! Many! Times! I told you! To get your ass! Home! On! Time! And! Never To!
Bernard: [ mocking ] Ooh! Ahh!
Dad: Damn! Twelve! We! Go Through This! Every! Single Time! You! Go Out! And You Still! Don’t! Learn! Nothing! You crying?
Bernard: Yes!
Dad: Yeah, you better cry! [ continues to spank Bernard ] ‘Cause the next time! You show your ass in! At two o’clock! In the damn morning! I’m gonna spank! Your ass! ‘Til you wish you didn’t! Have a ass! Get up! [ Bernard stands ] You know, that hurt me more than it hurt you! Come here. Come on over here. You had fun tonight? Tell me what you did.
Bernard: Went to a few clubs, and I went to eat a burger with Michelle.
Dad: That sounds nice! Put your head down on my lap, Son. I’m gonna tell you a story about me and your mother.
Bernard: Dad, it’s uncomfortable!
Dad: Don’t make me take my belt off, Bernard!
Bernard: Dad, you’re wearing boxer shorts.
Dad: Lay your head down, or I’m gonna have a spanking flashback! [ Bernard lays his oversized head down on Dad’s tiny lap ] Your momma was the prettiest grl in the class. Is your girlfriend pretty?
Bernard: Yeah.
Dad: She got a nice shape?
Bernard: Yeah.
Dad: Mmm.. your momma had a nice shape when I first met her. Now she got.. now she got a butt like a bag of wet clothes. You gettin’ sleepy?
Bernard: No.. no..
Dad: Let me hold you, while I sing you a song to make you sleepy.
Bernard: Dad, you can’t hold me!
Dad: You wanna hear a lullaby, or you wanna get your ass cracked?!
Bernard: Hear a lullaby.
Dad: Come on over here. [ singing ] “Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop when the wind blows, the cradle will rock. As the bough breaks, the cradle will fall and down will come Bernard.. cradle.. and all.”
