SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

The Streets of L.A.

1st Cop … Norm MacDonald
2nd Cop … Robert Downey, Jr.

Announcer: The Streets of L.A. Tonight’s episode: “Teafor the Tillerman.”

[After a hokey opening montage parodying such 1970scop shows as “Starsky and Hutch” we dissolve to theinterior of an apartment. A bullet shoots through thelock on the door. Two plainclothes cops, with shaggyhair and shirts with wide lapels, bust into the room,guns drawn.]

1st Cop: Put your hands up!

2nd Cop: Somebody’s gonna get booked!

1st Cop: It’s Book-of-the-Month Club time!

[But the room is empty, the suspect having fled out anopen window.]

2nd Cop: He got away.

1st Cop: Well, I think he’ll be back.

2nd Cop: And why’s that?

1st Cop: He forgot something.

2nd Cop: Well, what is it?

1st Cop: Smack. [holds up a plastic bag] Man, can you imagine someone so messed up they need this crap to get through the day?

2nd Cop: No, I can’t. [takes the bag] People who playwith this junk make me sick. They’re the scum of theearth.

1st Cop: Yeah, they sure are.

2nd Cop: Anyone who would use this drug should berounded up and caged like an animal. It’s trash likethis that’s ruining this country.

1st Cop: Well, let’s get back to the station.

2nd Cop: I’m not done yet. If I could lock up everyjunkie in this great country of ours, I’d be thehappiest man on earth. Drug users are bad. Period.Don’t ever be sympathetic to them.

1st Cop: Okay, well, I won’t be.

2nd Cop: Even if they do put themselves into rehab andare honestly committed to quitting, you stillshouldn’t forgive them. And don’t buy into that”I-can’t-help-it-it’s-a-sickness” crap. Drugs arealways wrong. They are the worst thing on the face ofthe earth.

1st Cop: Hey, go easy, Wade. This kid probably had arough break in life. He comes from a poorneighborhood.

2nd Cop: No, I betcha he was a rich kid, hadeverything handed to him. You know what? It doesn’tmatter if the user is a plumber, a lawyer, or a hotshot actor who’s been nominated for an Academy Awardfor playing Charlie Chaplin.

1st Cop: What the hell are you talking about, Wade? Wenever busted nobody like that.

2nd Cop: Well, we should have. ‘Cause in my book, ifyou do drugs, you go to jail, and you stay there. Youdon’t go to a cushy rehab center and take a week offto fly to New York and host a comedy show.

1st Cop: Hey, uh, maybe you should lay down in the squad car.

2nd Cop: God, man, it really burns me. Just becausesome punk got a few good reviews for the movie LessThan Zero. That doesn’t mean he gets a free pass,not on my beat. Although I must say, it was a damngood film. Also, the films Only You and AirAmerica were extremely underrated.

1st Cop: Well, I’ll just see you back at the station.

2nd Cop: So, when it comes to drug dealers, I give noquarter. I don’t care if your name is Dick, Joe, orLobert Growney Lunior. You just don’t do drugs. Noexcuses. Even if, from what I hear, heroin makes theuser feel as if he’s laying on a marshmallow made ofsatin while God’s massaging his temples with gentlefingers and suddenly everything makes sense and allthe ugliness goes away.

1st Cop: Well, we really should get going.

2nd Cop: Sure, I’ll be right down. I’m just going totake this horribly addictive drug into the toilet andflush it down it.

1st Cop: Oh, no, no, no. We need to take it to the laband analyze it.

2nd Cop: No, you go down to the squad car. I’ll bedown in about an hour.

1st Cop: No, no, give me that. [takes the bag]

2nd Cop: What? Oh…

1st Cop: Come on, let’s roll.

2nd Cop: That’s right. We’ve got to go clean up the streets of L.A.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Don King Press Conference

Don King…..Tim Meadows
Mike Tyson…..Tracy Morgan
…..Evander Holyfield

[ Establishment shot : Streets of Las Vegas ]

[ Location : Press Conference ]

[ Note : Don King wears a 1 meter high top ]

Don King : So you see, even in the fourth grade our hero knew that he would become the most respected, inspected, “erspected”, suspected, boxing promoter in the history of the galaxy… But enough about me…

Last week’s battle between Iron Mike Tyson and Evander Hollyfield was a titantic torment. If anyone could have predicted the magnitude of this magnificent marvel of pugilistic pomposity he would have become a rich man. With the smoke cleared, Evander was the commander, for the moment, but Iron Mike Tyson, the greatest champion in the history of athletic competition has a little something to say about that. So get on up here Mike! All right!

Mike Tyson : Thanks Don.. I just want to say to Evander Hollyfield, that you fought a great fight and the depth of what you hit me, was astoundingly ludicrous.

Don King : Mike, your words are elementally elegant, and elevatingly eloquent! But don’t you have a challenge for mister Hollyfield.

Mike Tyson : My only challenge, is to not start crying, when I think about his huge fist banging in into my head. You know what I’m sayin’ you know what I mean? Congratulations Evander, you’re truly a supreme fighter and again I wanna thank you for beating the living daylights out of me. Thank you.

Don King : Mike missed the words: “I’m like the tall grass from which the deadly cobra STRIKES!” Underneath that cowardly talk beats the heart of a tiger! Mike Tyson demands a rematch. Mike Tyson will have his revenge magnificent! Evander Hollyfield will be destroyed by the power of Mike Tyson. Only in America, Evander Hollyfield will be punished, pulverized, penalized, pureed… pureed!

[ Evander Hollyfield shows up. Crowd applause. Don King becomes nervous. ]

Don King : [ Continues ] Yeah.. yes yes he will be pureed that’s right we’re gonna have a big parade for the man of the hour. Right here, the man with the power. The Heavyweight Champion of the world, Evander “The Real Deal” Hollyfield!

[ Don King raises Hollyfield’s arm and take a step back ]

Don King : [Sings] We.. are the champions my friend!

[ Hollyfield’s resists and pulls his arm back ]

Don King : All right there, all right now…

Evander Hollyfield : One second Don, I just want to say that this fight and certain have been the highlight of my career.

Don King : That’s right! Alleluia!

Evander Hollyfield : Mike Tyson is a tough fighter.

Don King : TOUGH!

Evander Hollyfield : I have a seen a lot of guys fight Mike.

Don King : LOTTA GUYS!

Evander Hollyfield : And not being able to stand up to him.

Don King : Mmh Couldn’t do it! Mm-Mm!

Evander Hollyfield : Sometimes I don’t know I could do it

Don King : Buster Douglas did it!

Evander Hollyfield : But I just kept the faith.

Don King : You gotta keep the FAITH!

Evander Hollyfield : And I worked as hard as I could–

Don King : WORK!

Evander Hollyfield : And I gave in all my arm–

Don King : ONLY in America!

Evander Hollyfield : And in the end…

Don King : SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALEDOCIOUS!

Evander Hollyfield : [ Annoyed, Evander turns to Don King ] Let me just finish!

Don King : All right finish!

Evander Hollyfield : Could you be quiet just for a second?

Don King : Oh sure! I’m silent, go ahead there Evander.

Evander Hollyfield : So I worked, I worked hard, I gave it all that I had.

Don King : [ Starts singing quietly ] Nobody does it better….

Evander Hollyfield : And at the end… I was able to defeat—

Don King : Makes me feel sad for the rest…

Evander Hollyfield : … the man that many people thought I was unable to beat.

Don King : Nobody does it….

Evander Hollyfield : .. and I owe it all

Don King : Half this good as you…

Evander Hollyfield : [ Turning and chasing Don King ] Okay that’s it!

Don King : [ Fleeing ] Okay!

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Goodnights

…..Robert Downey, Jr.

Robert Downey, Jr.: I’d like to thank.. Fiona Apple! I would like to thank Bob Dole! I would like to thank the Heavyweight Championship of the World… Evander Holyfield! Thank you very much! I would like to thank the cast..!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Norm Meets Bob Dole

…..Lorne Michaels
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Bob Dole

[ Lorne Michaels barges into Norm MacDonald’s dressing room ]

Lorne Michaels: I see you’re still wearing the Bob Dole suit and the wig.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah. I was.. you know..

Lorne Michaels: Look, Norm, we all understand how badly you wanted to play President Dole for the next four years. But he didn’t win. You’ve got to move on.

Norm MacDonald: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] I am moving on! Norm MacDonald is moving on!

Lorne Michaels: Norm, I really want you to see someone.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, you mean, like a shrink, again?

Lorne Michaels: Not exactly. [ calling into the hall ] Senator?

[ Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole enters the dressing room ]

Bob Dole: Hi, Norm. Hi, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: If you two kids need me, I’ll be down the hall.

Bob Dole: Okay, we’ll be right here.

[ Lorne exits the dressing room ]

Norm MacDonald: Well, how are you, Senator?

Bob Dole: [ laughing ] Norm, Bob Dole knows how much it meant for you play me on the show the next four years. And Bob Dole feels your pain.

Norm MacDonald: Well, you know, it hasn’t been easy. But, you know what it’s like, you just lost that Presidential election.

Bob Dole: Oh, now don’t worry about me, I’ve got something lined up.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, really?

Bob Dole: Oh, really. I’ve got a job answering phones down at the Red Cross. My wife pulled some strings.

Norm MacDonald: Wow, that’s great.

Bob Dole: Well, it’s not brain surgery, you know? [ demonstrating ] “Hello, Red Cross. How may Bob Dole direct your call?”

Norm MacDonald: Well, it sounds like a lot of fun.

Bob Dole: Well, it keeps me out of trouble. You know, trouble like running for president.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, really? So there’s no chance of you running for president again?

Bob Dole: No, I don’t think so.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, really? Because you know, it would be good for me. Kind of help keep you on the front pages, you know?

Bob Dole: Well, believe me, Norm, running for president doesn’t always keep you on the front pages, unless you, of course, take a dive off of a podium.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that did get a lot of coverage, didn’t it?

Bob Dole: Yeah, and thanks for noticing, here on “Saturday Night Live”. I appreciate it

Norm MacDonald: I don’t write a lot of this stuff!

Bob Dole: I don’t, either.

Norm MacDonald: But, you know, it’s kind of frustrating for me. I’ve got this great Bob Dole impression, but I’ve got nowhere to use it.

Bob Dole: Well, if it’s any consolation to you, Norm, the impression isn’t that great.

Norm MacDonald: I see since you’ve gotten into civilian life, you don’t pull any punches there, do you? Really? You don’t like my impression?

Bob Dole: No. You’re really doing an impression of Dan Aykroyd when he does an impression of me. You know it, I know it, and the American people know it.

Norm MacDonald: Aw, come on now, Senator, it’s a great impression. Listen to this: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] “Come November 5th, a lot of people are going to be surprised by Bob Dole, because Bob Dole’s gonna win this election!“

Bob Dole: [ shaking head ] Doesn’t sound a thing like me. First of all, I don’t run around saying “Bob Dole does this” nd “Bob Dole does that.” That’s not something Bob Dole does. It’s not something Bob Dole has ever done, and it’s not something Bob Dole will ever do!

Norm MacDonald: Well, okay.. how about this? Listen to this: [ speaking in his Bob Dole voice ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..!“

Bob Dole: [ interrupting ] No, no. You’re still not getting it. Now, listen carefully: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon

[Establishment shot, Radio Station NPR ]

[Introduction music]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello, I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to…

Both: The Delicious Dish.. on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now.. Teri… today we’re going to be talking about some really exciting things in the world of food.

Teri Rialto: Sure Margaret Joe.. Now, some of you have written to let us know, that you’d like some off-beat and adventurous approaches to food.

Margaret Jo McCullen: So buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Teri Rialto: Sure is…[laughs]… gonna be bumpy… Now.. Our first dish is really gonna make your tail spin, we’re talking of course about..

Both: Corn chowder.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, I’m a real fan of Corn chowder.

Teri Rialto: Me too ..

Margaret Jo McCullen: Who isn’t… [laughs] and when I’m making this classic, I really like to stick to the basic.. that of course is: corn, cream, and spices… those will really add some extra hump.

Teri Rialto: And speaking of hump, we’ve really taken some liberties with this classic…

Margaret Jo McCullen: We sure have.

Teri Rialto: We have… I sometimes like, a more exotic chowder so sometime I add carrots.. then potatoes.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oooooh potatoes [laughs].

Teri Rialto: Those will give it some kick, and some color.. and it’s also fun for your guests to look at.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat.. fun.. fun..

Teri Rialto: Yeah.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Fun ..

Teri Rialto: That’s a lot of fun.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah that’s really fun.

Teri Rialto: It’s a fun thing to do.. .

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times.

Teri Rialto: Yeah…[laughs] Hey look we’ve got a call..

Margaret Jo McCullen: Delicious Dish, you’re on the air.

Caller #1: Hi! I just wanna say that I think your show is terrific… you know I did making Corn Showder for years and I’ve never ever thought of putting carrots or potatoes in it.. where do you come up with these ideas?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, we both keep dream journal….[laughs]

Caller #1: Can I ask you a question? Are you ever gonna do a show on “SALT”?

Teri Rialto: Sure, we’ve actually got a two part that’s coming up in December…

Margaret Jo McCullen: That will be great.

Caller #1: I’ll cancel my trip!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good…

Both: Thanks for calling! Thanks for calling!

Margaret Jo McCullen: That was fun getting a call.

Teri Rialto: He sounded [laughs]… He sounded like a really nice person.

Margaret Jo McCullen: He sure did…. he’s neat…

Teri Rialto: yeah… he sounded like a nice man.

Margaret Jo McCullen: He sounded like lot of fun…

Teri Rialto: Yeah…

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good time, fun…

Teri Rialto: Yeah…

Margaret Jo McCullen: … Well, Our next dish, is really one of our unsung heroes of the breakfast table, he’s a familiar friend we really take for granted…

Both: The English Muffin!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, I know you’ve done a little homework on the history of our old friend, and I’m dying to hear all about it…

Teri Rialto: Well Margaret Joe, I did some research and I boy did I found out some startling facts…

Margaret Jo McCullen: I bet…

Teri Rialto: Did you know that the English Muffin was created by Sir Thomas Bassthak, and dates back to the year 1832 ?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Really I’ve could have sworn it was invented in the 1840s…

Teri Rialto: No, a lot of people think that, but it was actually 1832…

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’ll be darned.. I’ll be darned..

Teri Rialto: 1832…

Margaret Jo McCullen: Fascinating… interesting… interesting…

Teri Rialto: A fun thing that I like to try, it’s to top English Muffin with a little Tomato Sauce, add some Cheese and make—

Margaret Jo McCullen: HOP I think I see what’s coming here….

Teri Rialto: That’s right a MINI pizza..

Margaret Jo McCullen: Or what I like to call it :” Pizza for One”… Or you can also call it… [laughs] Or you can also call it… “a little small pizza”…[laughs]

Teri Rialto: That was funny…

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah.. that’s fun, it’s fun to name things.. [laughs] that’s a lot of fun…

Teri Rialto: I like coming up with names for things ’cause it’s fun.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah that sweet, that’s a fun.

Teri Rialto: It’s fun to do that.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s a fun thing to do..

Teri Rialto: Ho…

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hey we got another call!

Teri Rialto: Ho great! Delicious Dish you’re on the air.

Caller #2: Oh Hi! I’m Marianne from Tarzana, and when you were talking about unsung heroes of the breakfast table, I was about on the edge of my seat, eh, ’cause I was sure you were gonna say crab crackers!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hoooo.

Teri Rialto: That’s funny… That was our first runner-up.. [laughs]

Caller #2: Well at our house, what we like to do is fresh’em up and eat them,.. hem with milk.. like cereals!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hey you could have invented Golden Grahams! [laughs]

Teri Rialto: That was funny for you to say that.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ho thanks!

Teri Rialto: That was funny

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks!

Caller #2: Well thanks so much I really love your show.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Sure.

Both: Thank you!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Neat!

Teri Rialto: She seemed like a like a fun.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah she really did, she seemed like a fun fun person.

Teri Rialto: Yeah.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That was neat neat neat fun!

Teri Rialto: It was a lot of fun.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah..

[Ending music starts]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ho-ho Teri that’s all the time we have on our show today.

Teri Rialto: Okay be sure to tune in next week – we’ll meet a very special guest, Bob Phibowl who will be sharing some thrilling new secrets about..

Both: Yeast!

Margaret Jo McCullen: That was really fun for me I had a nice time!

[Fade out]

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

The Cobras

Dan…..Darrell Hammond
Rob…..Robert Downey, Jr.
Gangleader…..Norm MacDonald
Johnny…..Chris Kattan
Big Jake…..Will Ferrell
Colin…..Colin Quinn
Mark…..Mark McKinney
Little Joe…..Cheri Oteri
Panthers Leader…..Tim Meadows

Dan: You cheated!

Rob: I did not!

Dan: Yes, you did!

Gangleader: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, knock it off! You’re both Cobras.

Dan: Yeah, we’re both Cobras. [ holds out hand for a shake ]

Rob: Yeah, we gotta stick together. [ stands up and sings ]

“You’re a Cobra, boy.
And don’t you forget it.
‘Cause when you’re in trouble,
You won’t have to sweat it.
You’re a Cobra, boy!”

[ sits back down ] Alright.. so, let’s see..

Gangleader: What the hell was that?

Rob: What was what?

Gangleader: You just sang.

Rob: Oh yeah, I did, didn’t I.

Johnny: Guys, the heat’s on.

Gangleader: What’s up, Johnny?

Johnny: The Panthers. They got Rocko, they messed him up real bad.

Gangleader: That’s it. We Cobras are gonna fight back. We’re gonna hit ’em with all we got.

Rob: [ jumps up and sings again ]

“We’re gonna hit ’em with all we got.
And as Cobras, we got a lot.”

Big Jake: [ sings also ]
“We’re fast and we’re strong we’re tough.
We’ll teach them the meaning of rough.”

Big Jake and Rob: [ singing ]
“‘Cause we’re the Cobras,
So you’d better look ou-ou-ou-ou-out!”

[ Gangleader looks at them inquisitively ]

Big Jake and Rob: What?

Gangleader: How do you come up with a song so fast?

Rob: I dunno, it just.. it just came to me.

Gangleader: It just came to you? What are you talking about? It was perfect! It looked like you rehearsed it!

Rob: Oh.. thank you!

Gangleader: Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. You go over there..

Big Jake: Hey hey hey! Did you really like it?

Gangleader: What?

Big Jake: The song.

Gangleader: “Did I really like it?” Yeah, yeah, I liked it. Hey,I like another song, too, you know? You know this one – it’s called “While You Were Singing, I Got Stabbed In The Head By A Puerto Rican.”

Big Jake: Do you know that one?

Rob: No..

Gangleader: Oh, shut up. Look, here’s the plan. Get over here, guys. Now, the Panthers hang around at the corner of 32nd and Main. They’re pretty juiced by midnight, and that’s when we strike. That’s when we strike..

All but Gangleader: [ singing and dancing ]
“That’s when we strike
We’re gonna hit ’em at night!”

Big Jake: “Oooooohhh!”

All but Gangleader: [ singing ]
“When the Cobras are gone, there won’t be a one left standing!”

Big Jake: “Oooooohhh!”

All but Gangleader:
So look out, Panthers! ‘Cause we’re the Cobras!

[ Gang starts doing “Cobra” hand motions ]

Gangleader: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is this? [ imitates “Cobra” hand motion ] What are you doing?

Colin: We’re being Cobras.

Gangleader: Ah, that’s it! What is up with you guys?

Mark: What? He started singing, then he started singing, then he started singing, so I started singing. It happens.

Gangleader: No, it does not happen. This was clearly choreographed.

Dan: No. He was dancin’, and I saw what his legs were doin’, so I kinda copied it, like this..

[ All but Gangleader do ballet moves ]

Little Joe: Guys, guys..!

Gangleader: Don’t ask.

Little Joe: The Panthers! The Panthers are comin’ to get ya’! I saw them down the street!

Gangleader: Okay, now listen up! Here’s the plan. We’re going to ambush the Panthers, and here’s how we’re gonna do it. Johnny, go over there! Big Jake, you get over here! You two, stay behind me!

Little Joe: Ooh, what can I do?

Gangleader: What should you do? Beat it!

[ Little Joe spits, and runs away ]

Panthers Leader: [ enters, followed by his boys ] Well well well, what do we have here? Looks like a little Cobra out on his own! Hey, you don’t look so tough without your boys! Panthers, it’s time to stomp some Cobra!

Gangleader: Oh, yeah? Johnny!

[ Enters doing ballet moves ]

Gangleader: Oh no, that’s not good.. Okay.. Big Jake!

[ Also enters doing ballet moves ]

Gangleader: Oh God, this isn’t working out!

[ Everyone else but Gangleader starts snapping ]

Gangleader: Oh no..

[ Group starts doing “Cobra” hand motions ]

Gangleader: What the hell are you doing?

Colin: We’re being Cobras!

Panthers Leader: What are you doin’? You call that being a Cobra? Boys, show them what it means to be a Panther!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Gangleader: Oh forget it.. [ exits scene quietly ]

[ Panthers and Cobras start dancing together ]

Cobras: Cobras! Hissss!

Panthers: Panthers! Meow!

Submitted by: Michael Cauley

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6

96f: Robert Downey, Jr. / Fiona Apple

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

President Bill Clinton: America.. I come before you tonight to thank you for re-electing me. I know half of you didn’t vote. But of the half of you that did.. almost half voted for me. And I appreciate that overwhelming show of support. 49% of the less than 50% of you who voted said Yes to Bill Clinton! [ chuckles ] That kind of ground swell tells me I’m on the right track! Less than half of the less than half of the people who voted.. stood up and demanded.. four.. more.. years. That means 1 ot of every 4 of you are.. helping me build that bridge into the next century. And I than every fourth one of you for your unanimous support!

But, actually, when you think about it.. it’s not really every 1 out of 4 Americans. because there’s, you know, another 30% of you out there who aren’t old enough to vote! [ laughs ] But, still.. I am thri-illed by the hu-u-uge support I was given by the half of the half of the remaining 70% of you! Because that is still a whopping 17% of you who enthusiastically supported Bill Clinton! And that is.. [ getting emotional ] ..just really beautiful.. [ chuckles ]

And sure, to be honest, Arkansas shouldn’t really count, because that’s my home state, and you have to subttract me and Hillary.. I mean, because, obviously, we voted for me.. And, of course, you should take out anyone who depends on my administration for a job. But, still.. that makes 12% of the population who actively wanted me to be re-elected! Truly, that is a mandate from the people!

Then again.. you really can’t count women, because who are they gonna vote for? Bob Dole? [ laughs ] Yeah! That’s just silly! Anyway, that cuts the number in half, making it 6%. And then after taking into account people who are incarcerated, the number drops to 4% – an overwhelming 4% of you standing proud and saying “Bill Clinton, we want you back!”

Then.. subtracting voter error, voter fraud, mechanical error, people who are abroad, people who are hospitalized or unconcious while the polls were open, and our brave men and women in space.. that makes the total number of people who honestly and actively wanted me to be President of the United States.. onw guy – Steve Bilson.

[ show image of the loserly Steve Bilson ]

Steve, I-I appreciate your support.. and I’m gonna send you this hite House ashtray as a token of my gratitude! [ laughs as he holds up the ashtray ] I mean, it doesn’t say “White House” on it, but trust me.. it’s from the White House! So, once again, America – I mean, Steve – thank you. And God bless you all!

[ dissolve to Presidential Seal ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the President of the United States.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 16th, 1996

Robert Downey Jr.

Fiona Apple

None

Lorne Michaels

Bob Dole

Elizabeth Dole

Evander Holyfield
Norm Meets Bob DoleSummary: Bob Dole tells Norm MacDonald to quit doing his impression of him.

Transcript

Montage

Robert Downey Jr.’s MonologueSummary: Robert Downey, Jr. shows incriminating slides from his summer vacation.

Transcript

The SpartansSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) cheer at the bowling alley.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Transcript

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: After eliminating all the people who had to vote for him, President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) thanks the one person who truly voted for him.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Don King Press ConferenceSummary: Don King (Tim Meadows) speaks highly of Mike Tyson (Tracy Morgan).

Recurring Characters: Mike Tyson.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In “Fun With Real Audio”, Rob Smigel mangles interviews featuring participants of the O.J. Simpson trial.

Mr. MusicSummary: D.J. (Robert Downey, Jr.) plays inappropriate music at wedding reception.

CobrasSummary: Gangleader (Norm MacDonald) is baffled when the members of his gang burst into choreographed song and dance.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Bob Dole prevents Norm MacDonald from telling a joke about him.

Transcript

Fiona Apple performs “Shadowboxer”

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) provide dull conversation on their culinary radio program.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

Melanie’s Make Out PartySummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) gets her first kiss from tough guy Brian Mahoney (Robert Downey, Jr.).

Recurring Characters: Melanie, Mary Katherine Gallagher.

The Streets of L.A.Summary: L.A. detective’s (Robert Downey, Jr.) drug banter seems appropriate for Robert Downey, Jr.’s lifestyle.

Transcript

Milsford Spring WaterSummary: Tom Bodet narrates the tale of the lynch mob responsible for great-tasting Milsford bottled water.

Transcript

Shopping At Home NetworkSummary: Don West (Will Ferrell) and Eddie Lewis (Chris Kattan) hard sell a Shaq Plaque.

Recurring Characters: Don West, Eddie Lewis.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald.

[Wild cheers and applause]

[Norm is surprised at the crowd’s reaction]

Norm Macdonald: What a crowd. Oh, my Lord! Thank you.I’m Norm Macdonald. Now the fake news. Our top storytonight:

[Image of Bill Clinton and Bob DoleCaption:Decision 96] yesterday in a dramatic finish tohis White House bid Bob Dole began a 96 hour, 15state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him rightthrough Election day. Political experts are callingthe grueling marathon a quote:” last ditch effort”.While medical experts are calling it quote:”a suicideattempt”.

[image of Bob Dole] At a rally in California this week, Dole urged votersto ignore polls which have him trailing PresidentClinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked toignore newspapers headlines next Wednesday that say”Dole loses in a landslide”.

[image of Asian man] Meanwhile a new development in the case of John Wuang,the mysterious Indonesian acussed of illegally raisingmillions for the Democratic Party. Earlier this week,Secret Service logs show that Mr. Wuang had visitedClinton’s White House more than 60 times. But onFriday, an administration spokesman revealed thatthere are actually two John Wuangs. Furthermore, theystressed that the John Wuang who visited the WhiteHouse is a different man. He isn’t the fundraiser. Heis the guy that killed Vince Foster.

[uneasy laughter]

[image of Mayor Giuliani waving with the Yankees in aparade] Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World SeriesChamps [wild cheering] and this week 3 million Yankeefans gather on the streets of New York to honor theirheroes. While their fans were of different ages, racesand religions they shared one thing in common. Theywere all standing in urine.

A giant ticket tape parade left nearly 4 tons ofconfetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks but NewYork officials do have a plan for dealing with theconfetti. Leaving it there to soak up all the urine. [image of fat dude]

At an emotional press conference this week a nowexonerated Richard Jewell spoke of his ordeal as thechief suspect in the Olympic Park bombing. Quote:”Icouldn’t think straight, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’teat” he said. Then later he admitted “All right, Icould eat. I couldn’t sleep though, I had trouble…”

[Caption: Business News] In business news, a British company has announced itsintention to purchase telecommunications giant MCI.This after MCI called the British company owner athome 5,000 times.

Ballots will be mailed out next week in the electionfor President of the teamster’s union. With incumbentJohn Kerry squaring off against Jimmy Hoffa Jr. Hoffais eager in following his father’s footsteps exceptthat last footstep where he dissapeared forever.[Normexplains] That’s the last footstep he wants to avoid,just that last one. Otherwise he will….ok.

[image of JFK jr and Caroline Besset] Now that John Kennedy Jr. is a married man, who is theworld’s most eligible bachelor? Well, when reportersasked JFK jr. himself who he thinks is the world’smost eligible bachelor he said:”Actually,[whisper]it’s still me”.

[image of Disneyland] A French goverment survey finds that Disneyland Parisis the most popular tourist attraction in the country.And the most popular ride? “Women who don’t shavetheir armpits of the Carri-be-an”. There’s 2ways–there’s 2 ways to pronounce that and I gotneither.

[image of O.J. Simpson] At the Simpson civil trial this week, O.J. and FredGoldman got into an explosive shouting match. Mr.Goldman belted at O.J. “Don’t give me that damn look”.While O.J. shouted back: “I wasn’t even looking atyou. You’re just mad cause I killed your son”.

[image of elderly reporter Mike Wallace] In the December issue of Playboy 60 Minutes reporterMike Wallace revealed that he has not only smokedmarijuana but that it made him sexually aroused.According to Wallace he made this comments in aneffort to frighten young people off of sex and drugsforever.

[image of paper headline “Dole: I’m strong enough tohandle the pain of losing”.] In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strongenough to endure the pain of losing the PresidentialElection. Although he did admit that the shock ofwinning will give him a giant heart attack.

In Detroit under a new prison rehabilitation programcalled “Fresh Start”, employers will get a tax breakif they hire and ex-convict. Employers who hire morethan one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.

[image of Economic Report charts] In economic news, unemployment figures rose slightlyfor the month of October with decline in the Dow Jonesand Nasdaq. The reason for the sudden downturn? Youguessed it. Frank Stallone. [photo of Frank Stallone]

[Newspaper headline: Kurt Freund dies at 82. StudiedDeviant Sexual Arousal] Fianlly, psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the world’sleading experts on the study of deviant sexual arousalpassed away at the age of 82. Dr. Freund last wordswere quote: “Whatever happens to me, can someoneplease make sure that the headline of my obituarydoesn’t contain the phrase Deviant Sexual Arousal?[Norm keeps milking the joke] Would that be to much toask from ya’? Ya’ dirty bastards. Can you just…. ok.And that’s it. Hey, vote for Bob Dole. Thanks folks.Good night.

[WU logo]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 5

96e: Chris Rock / The Wallflowers

Perspectives

Lionel Osbourne…..Tim Meadows
Abdul Kareem Gaines…..Chris Rock

[ American flag is shown announcing the end of broadcast day ]

[ WNBC Channel official title card appear ]

V/O : That concludes our broadcast day, but first stay tuned for “Perspectives”.

[ Shot of “Perspectives” set. SUPER: Perspectives ]

V/O : Fulfilling WNBC’s community programming requirements, “Perspectives”, with your host; Lionel Osbourne.

Lionel Osbourne : Good Morning! It’s Sunday 4:43 in the A.M, and this is “Perspectives”! I’m your host Lionel Osbourne. We have a very special guest on our show today, he is Abdul Kareem Gaines, a local community activist, and he is here to talk about the organization that he started after last year’s Million Men March. [ Turns to guest ] Welcome Abdul!

Abdul Kareem Gaines: Thanks for having me on your show Lionel!

Lionel Osbourne : Okay, now you were at the “Million Men March”!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes I was there and I have to say it was in no doubt the most inspirational moment of my lifetime.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm, and where was this held?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : It was in Washington.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm, I see. [ Turns to camera ] If you’re joining us it’s 4:44 in the A.M. you’re watching “Perspectives”. With us is Abdul Kareem Gaines, who was a participant in last year’s “Million Men March” which is held in Washington. [ Turns to guest ] That was D.C?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yeah

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm. Now, I understand that after last year’s March you founded some sort of self-health organization.

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes, see at the March minister Farrakhan talked about the Black men taking responsibility for ourselves and the children we have fathered, so when I got back to New York, me and some of the brothers formed: “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers”.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm.. Now how many members do you have in your organization? A Million?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No Lionel.

Lionel Osbourne : Half a million?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No. When we started the “Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers” we had two hundreds members but that was right after the March. Currently we have six members.

Lionel Osbourne : I see. And um, and they are all fathers?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No, two are women, three are actually children and then there’s me!

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm… Now I understand that the “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers” will be holding his one year anniversary celebration.

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Tuesday!

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic! And where will that be?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : At my apartment um, unfortunately we lost our original meeting place due to, well, lack of participation.

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm. Now if someone wanted to join the “Brotherhood for Brothers who are Responsible Fathers” what would they have to do to qualify, do they have to be black?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No, we used to allow only blacks, but dude again due to a lack of participation we had to make our organization more inclusive. We now allow white people, and we’re encouraging even the Hispanic community to give us a look.

Lionel Osbourne : That is fantastic!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yeah we had to change the rules a little because we had got into a lot of fight with financial support from organizations like the Maryknoll Sisters and the Mount Olive Lutheran Church of Racine, Wisconsin.

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic! [ Turns to camera ] If you’re joining us it’s 4:47 in the A.M and you’re watching “Perspectives”. I’m your host Lionel Osbourne, and my guest today is Abdul Kareem Gaines, founder of the “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers”. They’re celebrating their first anniversary this week, which will be held at Abdul’s apartment. Everyone is welcome to attend and anyone can join!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No Asian!

Lionel Osbourne : That’s fantastic! Now are you a father Abdul?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes, I have three boys!

Lionel Osbourne : Mm-mm, and are they involved in the “Brotherhood”?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No, my son Kareem Junior lives currently in another state – I believe – um, my other boy Andre’s mother won’t talk to me so I lost track of him and um, my other son Tray is dead!

Lionel Osbourne : Terrific! [ Turns to camera ] If you’re joining us it’s 4:51 in the A.M and you’re watching “Perspectives”. I’m Lionel Osbourne and we’re with community activist Abdul Kareem Gaines, founder of “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers”. They’re celebrating their first anniversary this week, all are welcomed and their son is dead. [ Turns to guest ] Now you said that you were at the “Million Men March” right?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes Lionel

Lionel Osbourne : How Many people were there?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : …A Million!

Lionel Osbourne : And um, this was mostly men?

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yes… That’s why they call it the “Million Men March”!

Lionel Osbourne : Ah! Touché!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Ah were you there? Lionel?

Lionel Osbourne : No…

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Why not?

Lionel Osbourne : I didn’t know about it… [ Ending music starts ] Well that’s all the time we have this morning. This has been “Perspectives” I’m Lionel Osbourne, I’d like to thank my guest Abdul Kareem Gaines; founder of “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers” for joining me. I’d like to let our loyal viewers know that next week, “Perspectives” will be on at 8’o’clock P.M. the first time ever we’re being broadcast in prime time [ Receives a note from studio crew member ] Fantastic! We’ll be on at our regular time of 4:42 in the A.M. This has been “Perspectives”. [ Turns to guest ] Thank you for coming on the show!

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts