SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18

91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Stand-Up & Win

Bobby Wheat…..Jerry Seinfeld
Billy…..Rob Schneider
Tommy…..Dana Carvey
Barry…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Hi! Get ready for big money and big prizes on “Stand-Up & Win!” And now, it’s time to bring out our host – make him feel welcome – Bobby Wheat!

Bobby Wheat: [ runs onstage ] Hey! How’s everybody doin’? Welcome to “Stand-Up & Win”, where stand-ups compete for big money! Contestants – thanks for makin’ it! Are you ready to play? [ the three stand-up contestants sound their eagerness ] Okay! Hands on buzzers, here’s our opening question: “What’s the Deal with Airplane Food?” [ Billy buzzes in ] Billy!

Billy: I know! Could this stuff taste any worse? It’s, like, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m still stuffed from that huge bag of smoked almonds!”

Bobby Wheat: That’s correct, Billy! That’s worth $100! And control of our board! Okay, let’s take a look at our categories! They are: Airplanes; Breakfast Cereals; Commercials; Chicken McNuggets; 7-11 Employees; and Gilligan’s Island. Okay, Billy, what’ll it be?

Billy: Let’s stick with “Airplanes”, for $100.

Bobby Wheat: Okay! Here’s the question: “And What’s With That Beef Stroganoff They Serve You?”

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I know! It’s looking at you, like, “Come on! I dare you! [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Beef Stroganoff?! Isn’t that getting a little loose with the language? [ incorrect answer ]

Billy: [ buzzes in ] And the guy next to me, he likes it! He can’t get enough of it! I’m looking for a dog to slip it to, this guy’s asking for thirds!

Bobby Wheat: That’s right, Billy! And you’re on a roll!

Billy: Let’s keep going with “Airplanes”, for $200.

Bobby Wheat: “Airplanes” for $200: “And what is the Deal With the Black Box?” [ Tommy buzzes in ] Tommy!

Tommy: It’s the only thing that survives the crash – why don’t they build the whole plane out of the Black Box!

Bobby Wheat: I know! I mean.. that’s right!

Tommy: Let’s try “Breakfast Cereals”, Bobby!

Bobby Wheat: For $100: “What is the Deal With Count Chocula?”

[ Billy buzzes in ]

Billy: I mean, are we supposed to be a–fraid of this guy?

Bobby Wheat: Keep going!

Billy: Let’s go to commercials for $100!

Bobby Wheat: “Have You Seen This One For the Clapper? I Mean, Have You Seen This?”

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I’m thinking, “Is that the same old lady who said ‘I’ve Fallen, and I Can’t Get Up’!” [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came upwith this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

Bobby Wheat: Sorry! The correct answer is “Clap On, Clap Off? I’m watching TV – everytime someone gets a round of applause, my garage door goes up and down!” [ reads it again so the audience will laugh ] Okay! Let’s take a break and meet the contestants.. [ approaches him contestants ] Tommy Shelton – you’ve been on “Evening at the Improv” a total of six hundred times!

Tommy: Thanks, Tommy! It’s great to be here!

Bobby Wheat: [ taps Tommy’s collar microphone ] Tommy, what is the deal with these microphones?!

Tommy: I know! Look how small it is! What am I, Andre the Giant?

Bobby Wheat: I know! Okay! Here’s Barry Rice! Barry, what gives with the hair!

Barry: I know what you’re thinking – somebody went to Supercuts and fell asleep in the chair!

Bobby Wheat: Okay! And here’s Billy Travis! Billy, you’re appearing at the Laugh Shack!

Billy: Hey, I can’t follow that.

Bobby Wheat: Okay! Back to the game! Billy, you still have control!

Billy: Okay, let’s do “Chicken McNuggets” for $100!

Bobby Wheat: “Chicken McNuggets” for $100: “Could Somebody Explain These Things?”

[ Barry buzzes in ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came upwith this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

Tommy: [ buzzes in ] What I want to know is, what part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?!

Bobby Wheat: That is right! We would have also accepted: “If itMcComes from where I McThink it does – I don’t want to McEat it!”

Tommy: Let’s try “7-11 Employees” for $100!

Bobby Wheat: For $100: “Who Are These People?“

[ Billy buzzes in ]

Billy: Could somebody fill me in, because I’d like to know!

Bobby Wheat: That’s right!

Billy: Let’s keep going, for $200.

Bobby Wheat: For $200 – alright: “And How About This BeefJerky? What Kind of Mystery Meat Is This?

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: It’s kind of saying, “Am I beef? Am I jerky? Am I jerky? Am I beef..? Just what am I!” [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] It’s kind of saying, “Do you chew me? Am I a cigar? Am I am actual food product..?” [ incorrect answer ]

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came upwith this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

Bobby Wheat: Sorry! The correct answer is: “Forget aboutthis beef jerky! What about these Big Gulps?! Could wepossibly need this much Mountain Dew?” Billy, you stillhave control of the board!

Billy: Back to “Cereals”, for $200.

Bobby Wheat: “Cereals”, for $200: “Grape Nuts – You Open It Up,No Grapes, No Nuts! What’s the Deal?”

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I think it’s just an expression.

Bobby Wheat: [ surprised ] Oh. That’s correct!

Tommy: Alright! Give me “Gilligan’s Island”, Bobby!

Bobby Wheat: “Gilligan’s Island”. for $100: “A Three Hour Tour?A Three Hour Tour?”

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

Tommy: I know! Why do they have all those clothes? And what’s the deal with the Professor? He can make a radio out of a coconut, but he can’t fix a hole in the damn boat! I mean, hey! And the Skipper and Gilligan, what is the deal there? Why don’t they date Mary-Ann? I’m starting to wonder about that “Little Buddy” stuff!

Bobby Wheat: Okay, okay! That’s plenty! Alright, now it’s time for Final Stand-Up & Win! And the Final category is: “Oprah”. And the Final question is: “Oprah – What is the Deal With Her?” Okay, while you’re thinking it over – Larry, tell us what our winner gets.

Announcer: He’ll get a year’s supply of those things that are at the end of your shoelaces! What are those things? They don’t have a name!

Bobby Wheat: Okay, we’re back! Once again, the Final question is: “Oprah – What’s the Deal With Her?” Let’s see what our players wrote. First, Tommy: “I know, what gives with this woman? Is she hurting for guests, or what? I mean, how many times do I need to see necrophiliac lesbians who have been abused by Elvis impersonators? I mean, please, somebody help me out!” No. I’m sorry, that is wrong. [ moves to Barry ] Okay, let’s see what you’ve got here: “Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?!” Sorry, Barry, that is not right! [ moves to Billy ] Okay, Billy, here’s your chance to win or lose. The question: “Oprah – What is With Her?” Your answer is: “She’s fat, she’s thin, she’s fat, she’s thin – I mean, come on, pick a body and go with it!” That is right! You’re our gran prize winner of the day!

Billy: I mean – what is with Oprah? I really want to know!

Bobby Wheat: Well, we’ll talk about it later! But, we’re out of time! Thank you for coming, my name is Bobby Wheat! Thanks! You’ve been great!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18

91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Postures

Dan…..Dana Carvey
Kevin…..Kevin Nealon
Ed…..Jerry Seinfeld
Dave…..Chris Farley
Mike…..Mike Myers
Suzanne…..Victoria Jackson
Boss…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, company staff room ]

Kevin: [ sitting with one leg resting on the other ] Hey, Dan, how’s that coming?

Dan: [ hand leaning upon chin ] Oh, pretty good, it’s.. is that a Third Quarter report you’re looking at?

Kevin: Yeah. Take a look at these numbers.

Dan: Okay. [ stands up, hand still leaning upon his chin ]

Kevin: Here’s what I’m conerned about.

Dan: [ looking ] Yeah.. that’s probably left over from the..

[ fax machine beeps ]

Kevin: That’s the fax. I’ll get it. [ walks across room, hopping on one foot because the his leg remains firmly hooked beside his other leg ]

Ed: [ enters room bent forward, hands behind his head ] Hey, everybody!

Dan: Hey, Ed.

Kevin: Ed.

Ed: What’s the good word?

Dan: Oh, just a couple discrepancies on the Third Quarter report.

Ed: Oh, don’t sweat it, Dan. I checked it out against yesterday’s draft. That’s just a clerical – no problem. [ sits down in his chair, head leans back to the wall, angling his behind-the-head posture to a perfect pose ]

Dave: [ walks with his hand stretched out, fitting perfectly against the wall ] Say, Ed, I left those blueprints on your desk. Could you look at them?

Ed: Sure, Dave. Just give me a minute.

Mike: [ crouching past the hall, posed in a sitting position, holding an open newspaper ] Excuse me, could you tell me where the, ah..

Kevin: Down the hall, second door on your left.

Mike: Thanks a lot! [ continues down the hall ]

Suzanne: [ enters room with both arms extended, legs crossed, head tilted ] Hey, guys!

Guys: Hey, Suzanne.. how are you?

[ they all crowd around Ed’s desk ]

Kevin: Ed, I’m worried about Suzanne.

Dave: I don’t think she’s working out.

Ed: I know. She.. [ stands ] Walk with me. [ they follow him, walking in their unusual postures ] I don’t know what it is. She just doesn’t seem to be fitting in.

Dan: Well, maybe we’re not making an effort.

Dave: I think it’s her.

Ed: [ looking across the room ] Hey, wait. Take a look!

[ with her arms extended, Suzanne is using one to change a light bulb, one to leaf through folders in a file cabinet, and a telephone below her neck ]

Suzanne: Hey, guys! [ the guys are in awe ] Hey, how’s the Third Quarter report coming?

[ the guys approach her, smiling ]

Dan: Great!

Dave: Hey, do you want to take a look at it?

Suzanne: Sure!

Ed: Hey, Suzanne, we’re having a company softball this weekend. Would you like to join us?

Suzanne: Yeah. I’d love to!

Kevin: [ peers into hall ] Holy Smokes! Here comes the boss!

[ everyone moves about in the room, finding the perfect place to sit or stand so their odd postures allow them to appear to be working effectively ]

Boss: [ enters, walking straight ] Hi, everyone.

Everyone: Hey, Boss! How you doing>

Boss: I’m glad to see everyone busy. Jenkins, is your outline ready for tomorrow’s presentation?

Dan: Uh.. right here, Sir. [ hands papers to him ]

[ grabs report, glancing at it ] Yes, this should be very interesting. [ standing straight, he leans back and falls into the couch, stiff as a board ]

Dave: [ whispering ] He’s a tough customer.

Ed: [ smiling ] Yeah, but it’s great to watch him work.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18

91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Make You Think

Mr. Thompson…..Jerry Seinfeld
Randy…..Chris Farley
Sabrina…..Ellen Clehorne
Lisa…..Beth Cahill
Larry…..Adam Sandler
Darlene…..Melanie Hutsell
Doug…..David Spade
Siobhan…..Siobhan Fallon
Chris…..Chris Rock

[ open on interior, high school classroom – teacher Mr. Thompson erasing drawing from chalk board as his class enters ]

Mr. Thompson: This is not funny. [ bell rings ] Alright, let’s settle down, let’s settle down.. I’ve graded your tests, and I have to say.. I am more than a little disappointed. In fact, I’ve decided I’m going to throw them all out. [ pitches them ]

Randy: [ arms in air ] All-right!! [ Mr. Thompson leers at him ] I mean.. aw, man..

Mr. Thompson: I think I’ve been placing too much emphasis on details. What I want you to do now is forget about memorizing things. I want you to think history, okay? We’re just gonna make each other think. Okay? Now, is everybody with me on this? Alright, now let’s talk about the Battle of Britain, and the Lend-Lease Act. How are these two events linked in history? Anybody got any thoughts? [ a hand is raised ] Sabrina?

Sabrina: So.. the tests that you threw out, that’s not gonna count?

Mr. Thompson: No. No. Everybody got that? Now, back to the Battle of Britain and the Lend-Lease Act. Roosevelt said that America must be the great arsenol of democracy. Now, what did he mean by that? We must be the great arsenol. What does he mean? Randy?

Randy: Uh.. that we had to be.. this big.. arseno?

Mr. Thompson: Arsonal. With an “L”.

Randy: Oh.. right. That we needed to be.. uh.. I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking.

Mr. Thompson: Okay. Maybe that wasn’t a fair question. Alright. Now, what country did Roosevelt want to supply with weapons? Who can tell me? What country? Remember, we’re talking about the Battle of.. what? Who can tell me? [ a hand is raised [ Lisa.

Lisa: Uh.. Britain..?

Mr. Thompson: Yes! Good! You see, now we’re thinking History!

Larry: [ interrupting ] Mr. Thompson? I was about to say Britain?

Mr. Thompson: That’s good. So, Roosevelt wants to help Britain in the war against who? Who? Who is Britain at war with? Who can tell me? [ no responses ] Okay, let’s think now. What was happening in America in the 1930’s? [ a hand is raised ] Darlene?

Darlene: I thought you said that we weren’t going to have to know dates?

Mr. Thompson: You’re right. Let me put it another way. In the decade before World War II, what was happening in Europe?

Doug: [ raising hand ] France?

Mr. Thompson: Yeah. Yeah. France. But let’s think. What political group was in Europe at the time?

Siobhan: [ raising hand ] Um.. the French?

Mr. Thompson: [ stunned ] Ye-es..

Larry: Mr. Thompson? The French are still in Europe today.

Mr. Thompson: Yeah. Let’s.. just get off the French for a while, okay?

Larry: [ dejected ] Okay.. sure..

Mr. Thompson: No, I’m sorry.. I was just, Larry, making a point. There are French people in Europe, like Larry said, even today. [ smacks Doug’s hand with his pointer ] You don’t have to write that down! It’s not gonna be on a test. Alright, let’s think about some of the other countries in Europe. Now, name some of the other countries in Europe.. besides France. [ hands lower ] Let’s look at the map up here. [ pulls map down ] now, where’s Europe on the map? Anyone. Where’s Europe? Here? [ points to country on map ] How many of you think this is Europe? Right there. A show of hands [ a few hands meekly raise ] You think this is Europe? You’re right, that is Europe. [ all the hands raise up quickly ] Alright. Good, good, good, good, good.. Now, what are some of the countries in Europe?

Lisa: Spain?

Mr. Thompson: Uh-huh. Good. Anybody else?

Siobhan: Um.. France?

Mr. Thompson: [ relunctant ] Yes. Can someone name another?

Doug: Germ-an-y..

Mr. Thompson: [ excited ] Yes! Germany! Yes! Very good! Let’s talk about Germany!

Chris: Sweden?

Mr. Thompson: Right. But let’s stick with Germany for a second..

Voice: Egypt!

Mr. Thompson: Yes! Let’s just go back to Germany, alright? Now, what political group was in power in Germany at this time? Someone want to take this one? [ no responses ] Larry? Randy? Who haven’t we heard from? [ thinking ] How many of you saw “Raiders of the Lost Ark”?

Doug: [ hand shoots up, excited ] I have it.. on.. tape..! I could bring it?

Mr. Thompson: No. Thank you. Now, who in the movie was Indiana Jones fighting.. [ Randy raises his hand ] ..besides the snakes? [ Randy meekly lowers his hand ] He was fighting the Na-a-a-a-a..
Class: Na-a-a-a-a-a..
Mr. Thompson: Na-a-a-a-zis..

Class: Nazis!!

Larry: Mr. Thompson, I was gonna say Nazis!

Mr. Thompson: Okay. So what did the Nazis do? Let’s think!

Doug: Oh! Uh.. they tried to steal that Lost Ark, then all their faces melted in the end!

Mr. Thompson: No.

Chris: They put up the Berlin Wall?

Siobhan: Oh, that’s right!

Mr. Thompson: No, they didn’t put up the Berlin Wall.

Siobhan: Yeah, yeah they did!

Mr. Thompson: No they didn’t.

Siobhan: Are you sure? Because I think that they did..

Mr. Thompson: You were thinking of the Communists! That was 1961!

Darlene: Um.. Mr. Thompson? I thought that you said we weren’t going to have to know dates?

Mr. Thompson: [ covers his face with his hand ] I’m sorry.. I’m sorry. I forgot. [ regains control ] Alright. Now, the Nazis were in power in Germany. So who were England at war with? During the Battle of Britain? [ a few hands rise ] And don’t say France! [ hands lower ] Who can tell me? not France, but.. Take a guess!

Lisa: Germany?

Mr. Thompson: Yes!

Larry: Germany? ‘Cause I was about to say Germany..

Sabrina: I’ve got a question. Uh.. who came up with that name, Europe?

Mr. Thompson: [ throws down his pointer ] You know what? I think we’ve done enough for today.. [ chugs a couple of antacid tablets ] Let’s read quietly. For the rest of the period, yeah. Just everybody, read at your desks.. everybody..

Siobhan: Mr. Thompson? Um.. we never did get to find out what that guy Roosevelt meant by the Great Arsenio.

Mr. Thompson: [ shakes head ] It doesn’t matter.. [ to Doug ] In fact, why don’t you bring inyour copy of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” tomorrow?

[ zoom out, fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18

91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

The Lenny Wise Show

Lenny Wise…..Phil Hartman
Superman…..Jerry Seinfeld
Caller #1…..Tom Davis
Caller #2…..Julia Sweeney

Announcer: Live, from Metropolis, it’s “The Lenny Wise Show”. Now, once again, the host of our program, Lenny Wise.

Lenny Wise: [ interviewing Superman ] What’s your biggest regret? Or, let me put it another way: If you had one wish, what would it be?

Superman: Hmm.. I’d like to go back to Krypton. To go back to Krypton, that’s what I’d like to go. to see what it was like before it blew up.

Lenny Wise: Your father was a brilliant man. I’m talking about your real father, Jor-El.

Superman: Oh, yeah. He was Krypton’s greatest scientist. But the sad thing was, they wouldn’t listen to him!

Lenny Wise: Did your mother work?

Superman: I don’t know. Maybe. Before I was born, I don’t know. Because, don’t forget, I was still just a baby when the whole planet blew up!

Lenny Wise: Our guest is Superman, the lines are open! When you get up in the morning, do you think about kryptonite? Is it something that’s on your mind? I mean, do you say, “Uh-oh! I hope I don’t run into some kryptonite today!”

Superman: Not really, no. I don’t think you can live your life worried about kryptonite! You know? I’m just trying to go about my business, and I don’t think about it.

Lenny Wise: How much kryptonite do you think is out there?

Superman: I have no idea.

Lenny Wise: No idea?

Superman: No. It could be anything!

Lenny Wise: Does it make you uncomfortable discussing kyrptonite?

Superman: No, not really.. But, like I said, it’s just something I can’t control, so why worry about it!

Lenny Wise: Does it bother you that you can’t see through lead?

Superman: It did, at the beginning, yeah. I remember the first time that it happened. I said, “Hey, what the heck is going on here?” But, eventually, I got used to it.

Lenny Wise: You stopped aging when?

Superman: When I was 30.

Lenny Wise: Becuase, if you were born on this planet, you’d be, what, in your fifties now, no?

Superman: Yeah. That’s just about right..

Lenny Wise: Let’s take a call! Okay, Smallville, Indiana!

Caller #1: Hello, Superman?

Superman: Yes. Hello, Sir.

Caller #1: Superman? This is.. this is Al McKay. Remember? I.. I used to live three houses down from Lex Luthor? On Pine Street?

Superman: Oh, yes! Yes! How are you, Mr. McKay?

Lenny Wise: What’s your question?

Caller #1: Just wanted to say hello.

Lenny Wise: You knew Lex Luthor in Smallville, right?

Superman: Yes, that’s right.

Lenny Wise: And the two of you used to be good friends.

Superman: Right.

Lenny Wise: What happened?

Superman: Well, this one day I flew over his house, and I accidentally set his lab on fire.. and that’s how he became bald. And I’m afraid he’s had it in for me ever since.

Lenny Wise: Did you ever sit down and say, “Hey, Lex! Come on! It was an accident!”

Superman: Oh, sure..

Lenny Wise: No dice?

Superman: No. He’s a pretty strange fellow.

Lenny Wise: What do you do for fun? How do you relax?

Superman: I like to play Scrabble.

Lenny Wise: Do you play in costume, or in your secret identity?

Superman: Oh, yeah, in the costume!

Lenny Wise: Well.. it must be pretty daunting to be sitting across from you while you’re in your costume?

Superman: [ laughing ] Well, not really, Len! You still gotta get the letters! I mean, if I’m picking vowels all game, costume or not, I’m not gonna win!

Lenny Wise: You mean, you’ve lost at Scrabble?

Superman: Oh, sure! Many times!

Lenny Wise: Okay, let’s take another call! Hello, Metropolis!

Caller #2: Yes? Superman? I’d like to know why, during the garbage strike last year, you sat around for two weeks doing nothing, while Metropolis smelled like a pig sty!

Superman: [ annoyed ] Well, ma’am, I just didn’t feel like picking up all that garbage!

Caller #2: Oh, you didn’t feel like it? Well, where do you come off?

Superman: Oh, like I don’t do enough?

Caller #2: The whole thing would have taken you ten minutes!

Superman: First of all, nothing takes ten minutes!

Caller #2: Oh, come on! You could have fused the garbage into a big ball and hurled it out into space!

Superman: Yeah, fine. Yeah. You know!

Caller #2: Superman. What a joke! Why don’t you just go.. [ bleep ]

Lenny Wise: [ laughing ] Who-ho-ho-ho! Uh.. she’s obviously pretty upset. And, I have to say, Superman, a lot of people were upset about that garbage situation.

Superman: Well, I’m sorry, Len! I’m just not going around picking up everybody’s garbage! I mean, I do what I can, but I’m not a garbageman! That’s where I draw the line!

Lenny Wise: Okay. [ laughs ] No argumrent here. You know, there’s a rumor that Iran is stockpiling kryptonite.

Superman: [ pause ] Yeah, I’ve heard that..

Lenny Wise: Okay.. if I came across a piece of kryptonite, how much do you think it would be worth?

Superman: Can you give me a break with the kryptonite?

[ closing music pots up ]

Lenny Wise: Well, it looks like we’re just about out of time. I’d like to thank my guest Superman for being with us.

Superman: Yeah, it’s a pleasure.

Lenny Wise: Before you go, any chance of telling us your secret identity?

Superman: Sure, I’m.. [ mumbles into Lenny’s ear ]

Lenny Wise: Wh-what was that? [ laughing ] Seriously, come back again! Tomorrow night, Michael Fenwick, currently starring in “A Horrible Coincedence”. Good night, everybody.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18

91r: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Black Man”

Lank Thompson…..Mike Myers
…..Tim Meadows
Regular Black Man…..Chris Rock
Janice…..Ellen Cleghorne
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Testimonial #1…..Rob Schneider
Testimonial #2…..Phil Hartman

Lank Thompson: Hi! My name is Lank Thompson! I’m a handsome man! [ laughs handsomely ] Oh, I wasn’t always handsome – I used to be plain. [ holds up old photo ] But then I developed my courses: “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Man”, and “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Actor.” These courses have been available for over a year, and the rsponse has been, frankly, overwhelming! [ laughs ] And now, I’m proud to introduce my latest course: “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” Perhaps you are familiar with Billy Dee Williams, Blair Underwood, and Don Cornelius. They’re all graduates of my course, “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” And now, I’d like you to meet another one of my success stories.

Tim Meadows: [ enters, sporting a handsome moustache ] Hi! I’mTim Meadows, and I’m a handsome black man! [ laughs handsomely with Lank ] I wasn’t a handsome black man. I used to be a plain black man. [ holds up old photo ] But thanks to your course, now I look.. fan–tastic!

Lank Thompson: You know, the basic techniques are covered in my first tape – “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Man”. And they helped form the core of “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man.” Let’s have a look. They are: “Smile When You Talk.”

Tim Meadows: [ demonstrating, smiles ] It’s great to be here!

Lank Thompson: Great to have you! [ they laugh ] 2: “Maintain Eye Contact.” Do you understand? [ stares ]

Tim Meadows: Yes, I understand. [ stares back – they laugh ]

Lank Thompson: 3: “Be Tastefully Tactile.” [ turns to Tim ] You’re very important to me.

Tim Meadows: Get outta here! [ they laugh ]

Lank Thompson: You know, there are some techniques that are unique to the handsome black man. Technique #1: “The Two-Handed Shake.” The handsome black man greets everyone with a shake that says, “Hey.. you’re improtant to me!” Let’s watch Tim in action.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim enters a club and approaches a black womanand a white man ]

Tim Meadows: [ two-hand shakes the white man’s hand ] How you doing? Welcome to the club! [ turns to the black woman and two-hand shakes her hand ] You look.. fan–tastic! [ his guests laugh with him ]

Lank Thompson: And, of course, the variation of the Two-Hand Shake – the “One-Hand Shake-Hug.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim approaches two black men ]

Regular Black Man: Do you know Jim?

Tim Meadows: Know him? We’re like brothers! [ gives him a One-Hand Shake-Hug, then exits scene ]

Regular Black Man: I like that he shook my one hand, then hugged me with the other arm!

Regular Black Man: That’s a handsome black man!

Lank Thompson: Technique #2: When talking to women, deepen your voice.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim at a bar with a few other black men ]

Tim Meadows: [ in regular voice ] I’ll see you guys later. [ turns to black woman next to him, deepens voice ] Hello. I’m Tim.

Janice: I’m Janice.

Tim Meadows: [ deep ] Hello, Janet.

Lank Thompson: That brings us to Techgnique #3: When talking to a woman for the first time, the handsome black man notices her strongest feature, calls attention to it, and uses it as a nickname.

Tim Meadows: [ deep ] I think you got beautiful eyes. I’m gonna call you “Sweet Eyes!” They are fan–tastic! [ laughs handsomely, and walks away ]

Janice: [ to a friend next to her ] Damn, he’s handsome! I like the way he noticed my eyes, and then immediately incorporated then into a nickname!

Lank Thompson: Technique #4: The handsome black man laughs immediately at any mildly humorous story or quip, and acknowledges the universal truth in it.

[ cut to demonstration – Tim talking to a bartender ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Jimmy, what’s the word on the street?

Bartender: Two fly sisters came in here looking for Michael Jackson tickets. I told them, “Don’t be a dog in the manger!”

Tim Meadows: [ laughs ] Fan–tastic! [ laughs again ] I know what you mean!

Lank Thompson: [ laughing ] He’s a handsome black man! And you can be, too! Here’s how to order.

Announcer: To order “Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black Man”, call 1-800-555-0199.

Lank Thompson: Alright, we’re back! Now it’s time for questions. Yes – you!

Testimonial #1: Hi, I took your course, “Lank Thompson: I’m AHandsome Man”.. and I loved it. I just wanted to say Thank You.

Lank Thompson: Thank you! You’re a handsome man! Yes – you.

Testimonial #2: I also took your course, and I loved it. I’m aMestiso Indian. Is there a course for me?

Lank Thompson: Okay, hold on.. not yet! Alright. But, eventually, I will have a course for all men of Andean tribes! Well, that’s all the time we have. Now, go on! Be handsome!

[ Tim comes back out, and the two handsome man give each other handsomehandshakes until the scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 18th, 1992

Jerry Seinfeld

Annie Lennox

None

None
Clinton-Brown DebateSummary: Jerry Brown (Dana Carvey) and Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) compromise on what topics they will not bring up during their debate.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Brown, Bill Clinton, Paul Tsongas.

Montage

Jerry Seinfeld’s MonologueSummary:

Also Hosted: 99a.

Stand-Up And WinSummary: Observational comic Bobby Wheat (Jerry Seinfeld) quizzes fellow comics on categories that deal with the mundane banalities of life.

Transcript

Make You ThinkSummary: Mr. Thompson (Jerry Seinfeld) tries in vain to teach his History class students about World War 2, even though their minds are permanently elsewhere.

Transcript

Annie Lennox performs “Why”Also Performed: 94o.

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Opera Man.

Elijah The ProphetSummary: Elijah the Prophet (Jerry Seinfeld) appears at a Jewish family Passover meal, and proceeds to insult them in an arrogant manner.

Recurring Characters: Jesus.

Lank Thompson: I’m A Handsome Black ManSummary: Lank Thompson (Mike Myers) extend his Handsome course to include the Black man (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: Lank Thompson.

Transcript

PosturesSummary: Employees assume odd postures molded by their permanent positions within the office.

Transcript

Annie Lennox performs “Legend In My Living Room”

I’m Chillin’Recurring Characters: Onski, B Fats.

The Lenny Wise ShowSummary: Radio talk show host Lenny Wise (Phil Hartman) welcomes Superman (Jerry Seinfeld) to the show, and listeners have less than kind words to say to the Man of Steel.

Recurring Characters: Superman.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Tayster’s Choice III

Man…..Dana Carvey
Sister…..Victoria Jackson
Woman…..Sharon Stone
Announcer…..Phil Hartman

[FADE IN on the man walking through a door with his date. Chamber music plays in the background.]

Sister: You’re right, I’m not.

Man: You don’t believe your own brother? Come on, I’m really sorry that I’m late.

[They walk in and stop at an elegantly decorated table surrounded by four very well-dressed people.]

Sister: I think you know everyone here, except…

[CUT to a blonde woman who looks at the man and freezes.]

Man: [softly] Oh, we’ve… met.

Woman: We, uh… shared the same taste in spermicidal jelly.

[FADE to product ID.]

Announcer: Savor the sophistication of Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly.

[FADE back to the man and the blonde woman sitting next to each other and cradling teacups.]

Woman: Are you always this late?

Man: I won’t be tomorrow.

Woman: [smiles] What’s happening tomorrow?

Man: I’m inviting you to dinner.

Woman: [laughs softly] What makes you think I’ll accept?

Man: You… can’t resist my spermicidal jelly?

[FREEZE on the couple as they both smile. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Tayster’s Choice II

Man…..Dana Carvey
Date…..Julia Sweeney
Neighbor…..Sharon Stone
Announcer…..Phil Hartman

[FADE IN on the man and a dinner companion cradling teacups and smiling at each other as soft piano music plays in the background. The doorbell suddenly buzzes.]

Man: Excuse me.

[He answers the door and finds his sexy blonde neighbor standing with a sack of groceries in her arms.]

Neighbor: You saved my life the other night.

Man: [chuckles suavely] The dinner party.

Neighbor: The spermicidal jelly. Very successful.

Man: How can you… ever thank me?

Neighbor: I’ll think of something. But in the meantime, at least I can return your…

[pulls tube out of sack] …Tayster’s Choice. [hands him tube]

Man: Look, I’m… busy right now, but… perhaps…

Woman: Perhaps.

[She turns smoothly away, and the man turns back inside. FADE to product ID.]

Announcer: Savor the sophistication of Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly.

[FADE back to the man and his date just as before.]

Man: Just my neighbor. How was the… spermicidal jelly?

Date: Perfect. Where did you get it from?

Man: Oh, I… have it delivered.

[FREEZE on his smirking face. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Tayster’s Choice I

Woman…..Sharon Stone
Man…..Dana Carvey
Announcer…..Phil Hartman
Partygoer…..Siobhan Fallon

[FADE IN on a feminine hand ringing a doorbell as chamber music plays in the background. ZOOM OUT as a man answers the door and grins to see a beautiful blonde in a black dress off the shoulders.]

Woman: [coolly] Hello. I’m sorry to bother you, but… I’m having a dinner party.

Man: And?

Woman: And… I’m out of spermicidal jelly.

[laughter]

Man: Come in.

Woman: Thank you.

[She walks in past him as he leers to the camera in approval. CUT to inside the apartment.]

Man: Would… Tayster’s Choice be too good for your guests?

[He deliberately holds up what appears to be a tube of toothpaste labeled “Tayster’s Choice.”]

Woman: Oh… I think they could get used to it.

Man: It’s a very sophisticated spermicidal jelly.

Woman: They have very sophisticated tastes.

Man: Do they?

Woman: [grins] Yes. Well… I must be getting back.

[She exits as he looks at the camera with a slow nod of approval. FADE to a product ID slide of the burgundy-and-white “Tayster’s Choice” tube. SUPERIMPOSE “Savor the sophistication of” at top.]

Announcer: Savor the sophistication of Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly.

[FADE to the blonde with another woman at her dinner party.]

Partygoer: [softly] So… have you met your new… neighbor yet?

Woman: [holding teacup] Oh, I’ve… popped in for spermicidal jelly.

[FREEZE on the blonde’s sexy grin, then SUPERIMPOSE, “To Be Continued.” FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 17

91q: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

Sex Games

Dan…..Kevin Nealon
Lisa…..Sharon Stone
Tommy…..David Spade

[ open in Dan and Lisa’s bedroom, Lisa wearing a red nightgown and waiting for Dan on the bed ]

Dan: [ enters ] Oh, Lisa! You look so hot in that lingerie!

Lisa: You like it, sweetheart?

Dan: Oooh! You just look so sexy!

Lisa: Thank you, Dan.

Dan: Oh, boy.. any guy in the world would just die to make love to you!

Lisa: [ reaches for him ] Well.. you’re the only guy for me, Dan!

Dan: So, Lisa, you, uh.. want to play.. the game?

Lisa: Yeah! Should I be the stewardess, or the checkout girl at the supermarket?

Dan: Well.. I was thinking.. maybe tonight.. you could be a kind of.. you know.. a prostitute, or something?

Lisa: [ excited ] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Dan: Yeah?

Lisa: [ takes out a pair of red heels ] You want me to be your whore, Dan?

Dan: Yeah! Yeah! You’re my whore!

Lisa: [ puts the red heels on ] Yeah, baby, I am! I’m your whore!

Dan: Yeah, I’ve neve met you before.. and now I’m gonna pay you to do it with me!

Lisa: Yeah! You just picked me up on the street, you’ve never met me before!

Dan: Yeah.. you’re gonna get it good, slut!

Lisa: Yeah!

Dan: I’m paying the money, but you’re getting the treat!

Lisa: Yeah, I can just tell by looking at you it’s gonna be real good! That man I picked up earlier, he couldn’t satisfy me. But, you..

Dan: [ losing the mood ] Hold on.. hold it.. what man?

Lisa: My last trick. My last customer.

Dan: What do you mean, your last customer?! What the hell is going on here?! You slept with someone else?!

Lisa: I’m a hooker. Remember?

Dan: [ understanding ] Oh.. oh.. oh, the hooker slept with somebody else.. your customer.. oh, okay.. Yeah.. customer. Yeah, the last guy who paid you for sex, just like I did! Yeah, I like that.. you’re a good whore!

Lisa: Yeah! You want to know how I like it, baby?

Dan: I don’t care how you like it! You’re gonna get it the way I like it!

Lisa: Oh, you’re pretty sure of yourself, aren’t you?

Dan: Oh, yeah, I can please any woman – especially a cheap, slutty streetwalker like you, who I just met moments ago and I’m not married to, because I just met you!

Lisa: Yeah! I’m just a $10 hooker, and you’re a longshoreman named Tony!

Dan: [ upset ] What do you mean, Tony?! I’m Dan! Who the hell is this Tony guy?!

Lisa: I thought you’d want to be somebody else, so I made it up.

Dan: Okay, but why Tony?! Why not Doug, or Fred, or Tim? I mean.. who’s this Tony guy, what’s his affiliation with us?!

Lisa: I just made it up.

Dan: [ understanding ] Oh..

Lisa: Okay?

Dan: Don’t you raise your voice to me, whore! My name’s Dan, alright? I’m Dan!

Lisa: Okay, okay, Dan..

Dan: I’m Dan.. and I’m the man.

Lisa: Okay.. Dan the Man!

Dan: Yeah.. my last name’s different, though. Because I don’t want to bring my parents into this.

Lisa: Okay. Anything you say, Dan. You’re the one with the money.

Dan: I’m Dan.. Hamilton! And you’re Dan Hamilton’s sweaty whore.

Lisa: Yeah!

Dan: You start sweating for me now, whore!

Lisa: Yeah, well, Dan Hamilton, let’s just get down to business!

Dan: Let’s get down to pleasure, because I need it bad!

Lisa: Yeah! Yeah, baby! What’s the matter, your wife don’t give it to you good enough at home?

Dan: [ alarmed ] Oh, no! No, don’t say that, Lisa! You’re the greatest lover!

Lisa: I’m not Lisa. I’m the hooker.

Dan: [ feeling bad ] Oh, yeah.. well, you see.. Lisa’s a great, great lady.

Lisa: She’s a lucky lady, Dan.

Dan: I don’t even know what I’m doing with you, whore! I’ve got two wonderful kids at home, and my wife and them mean everything to me..

Lisa: [ touched ] Oh, Dan, that’s so sweet.. [ reaches for his face ]

Dan: [ pulls her hand away ] I didn’t say you could touch me, whore! You do what I tell you, or you don’t get no tip!

Lisa: Yeah, Dan.. okay, Dan.. Hamilton!

Dan: [ outraged ] Who the hell is Dan Hamil- [ remembering ] Oh.. right.. Dan Hamilton, I’m Dan Hamilton, okay.. You’d better start earning your money now, you cheap streetwalking wench!

Lisa: Oh, I’m not even thinking about the money, Dan, I’m just thinking about all the pleasure you’re gonna give me!

Dan: [ losing the mood again ] You gotta start thinking about the money.. I mean, that’s why you got into this racket in the first place..

Lisa: You.. you gave me the money. Now.. come and get the merchandise.

Dan: Oh, you poor thing! What kind of sick society do we live in, where some.. sweet, pretty girl like you has to sell her body to put food on the table? It makes me sick!

[ someone knocks on the bedroom door ]

Lisa: Who is it?

Dan: Who’s that, your pimp?!

Tommy: It’s me, Mom.

Dan: He calls you “Mom”?! That’s perverted and disgusting!

[ Son Tommy enters ]

Lisa: What is it, Tommy?

Tommy: Hi, Mom.. hi, Dad. I was wondering if, maybe, I could borrow the car tonight?

Dan: What’s the matter, you bloodsucking pimp? Your purple cadillac break down?!

Lisa: Dan!

Dan: [ jumps out of bed ] I’m gonna teach you a lesson, you vicious flesh-peddler! Let’s go – outside! You and me right now, we’ll settle this! [ chases Tommy out of the bedroom ]

[ slow zoom on Lisa ]

Lisa: I think Dan takes these sex games a little too seriously, don’t you?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts