SNL Tonight

Jeff Daniels’ Monologue

…..Jeff Daniels
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Dana Carvey

[ open on audience applauding wildly for Jeff Daniels ]

[ Jeff stares out into the audience, as though confused, then walks determinedly backstage, his face gripped in fear ]

Jeff Daniels: Lorne? Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: [ moves forward ] Jeff. What happened?

Jeff Daniels: I don’t know, I don’t know.. I cane out the door, I looked at the audience, I was trying to relate to the audience, and I didn’t know what to do.

Lorne Michaels: You know, it was over so fast, I don’t think anyone noticed.

Jeff Daniels: No, no, no.. I just.. I choked, you know? All the other hosts, they come out, they’re confident, you know, they’ve got that skip in their walk, and.. they’re into the music, they relate to the audience, you know? They’ve got that kind of genuine thing that you can’t rehearse, you know?

Lorne Michaels: You’re.. you’re joking, right?

Jeff Daniels: No!

Lorne Michaels: [ turns his head ] Dana, come over here. [ Dana Carvey enters ] Jeff’s having trouble with the monologue.

Dana Carvey: What?

Jeff Daniels: Yeah..

Lorne Michaels: Why don’t you just walk him through it?

Dana Carvey: Oh, I can’t believe.. they, they didn’t show you this?

Jeff Daniels: No one told me.

Dana Carvey: It’s really easy! It’s basically eight moves for the host. Pardo says your name: [ in Don Pardo voice ] “Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Daniels!” [ demonstrates each move as he introduces them ] You open the door, you lead off to the right, then you do kind of a Cool Run, you go by the band..

Jeff Daniels: Cool run.

Dana Carvey: Then, Celebrity Skip!

Jeff Daniels: Celebrity Skip.

Dana Carvey: That’s right! Now, turn to the band, do a Pigeon Neck. Pigeon Neck.

Jeff Daniels: Pigeon Neck! Pigeon Neck!

Dana Carvey: That’s good! Turn to the crowd: There You Are! There You Are!

Jeff Daniels: There You Are! There You Are!

Dana Carvey: Or, if you want: Falling Star.. Falling Star.

Jeff Daniels: Falling Star.. Falling Star..

Dana Carvey: Good! almost too good. [ turns around ] This way. Now, back to the band. Here Comes The Plane.. Here Comes The Plane..

Jeff Daniels: Here Comes The Plane.. Here Comes The Plane..

Dana Carvey: Yeah! Yeah! Now, you come back: Trained Seal! Trained Seal!

Jeff Daniels: Trained Seal! Trained Seal!

Dana Carvey: Love you people! Trained Seal! Now, this is optional. A lot of hosts like to go: Open The Fridge, right at the end.

Jeff Daniels: Open The Fridge.

Dana Carvey: That’s right! Okay, you got it. Then you’re free to do whatever you want.

Jeff Daniels: Anything I want? Anything?

Dana Carvey: Yeah!

Jeff Daniels: Can I Arsenio? [ whoops his arm ]

Dana Carvey: [ looks at Lorne, who’s shaking his head ] N-no..

Jeff Daniels: Okay. Okay.. so it’s a Cool Run, it’s a Celebrity Skip, it’s the Pigeon Neck, it’s There You Are, it’s Falling Star, it’s, uh.. uh.. uh.. Bring In The Plane, it’s Trained Seals, and then it’s Open The Fridge.

Dana Carvey: That’s it! Go get ’em!

Jeff Daniels: Okay. Alright. Lorne? Let me just try it again, okay?

Lorne Michaels: Okay. Uh, Jeff.. if you want, you can go.. [ spins finger in the air ] “Whoo-Woo!”

Jeff Daniels: “Whoo-Woo”? Okay. Thanks. [ runs back past Home Base to try again ]

[ end of opening montage plays ]

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Jeff Daniels!

Jeff Daniels: [ opens door, does Cool Run, Celebrity Skip, Pigeon Neck, Trained Seal, more Pigeon Neck, There You Are and Falling Star. Then, he adds his own touch, a Moonwalk-style move. ] Whoo-woo! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! That was a piece of cake! We have a great show tonight – Color Me Badd is here! [ does the There You Are some more ] There You Are! There You Are! There You Are! And, we’ll be right back. [ claps his hands ] Trained Seal! Trained Seal! Open The Fridge! Open The Fridge..!

SNL Transcripts

Earthies

Sarah…..Victoria Jackson
Nan…..Julia Sweeney
Kevin…..Kevin Nealon
Phil…..Phil Hartman

[ open on mothers looking at their babies ]

Sarah: Aren’t they beautiful?

Nan: Yes. I never thought I could love anything so much. You ever worry about what kind of world they’re gonna grow up in?

Sarah: Of course.

Nan: I try to do whatever I can – recycle, buy the right diaper..

Sarah: But, Nan, isn’t Zack wearing a disposable diaper?

Nan: Sarah, we use Earthies. You don’t just throw them away. You plant them. Earthies are the only diaper lined with seeds. [ demonstration plays ] When planted, Earthies’ unique absorbant liner protects the young seedling as it begins to grow. In a short time, an ear of corn emerges from the diaper-enriched soil. And that’s something you and you baby can be proud of!

[ dissolve to the mothers walking through the cornstalks in the backyard ]

Nan: Corn for boys, and pumpkins for girls.

Sarah: And I’ve been using cloth diapers..

Kevin: Hey! What are the moms up to?

Nan: Nothing. Just solving the world’s problems, that’s all!

Phil: [ eating ] Hey, Nan.. great corn!

Sarah: Great diapers.

Announcer: Earthies. The bountiful diaper. Protects their bottoms, protects their planet. From Dell Monty.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 5th, 1991

Jeff Daniels

Color Me Badd

None

Color Me Badd, “I Wanna Sex U Up”

The Tonight Show

Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed MacMahon, Jay Leno.

Jeff Daniels’ Monologue

Earthies

Richmeister’s Rival

Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer.

Community College Bowl

The Chris Farley Show

Color Me Badd performs “I Wanna Sex You Up”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Apex Novelty Company

Simon

Recurring Characters: Simon.

Real Life With Jane Pauley

Color Me Badd performs “I Adore Mi Amor”

Don’t Get Me Wrong

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jesse Jackson

Kevin Nealon: Morning!

On Friday, an evenly divided Senate Judiciary Committee refused to recommend the confirmation of Judge Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court. Earlier in those hearings, Judge Thomas requested a restraining order against the People For The American Way. He later withdrew this request when it was explained they were trying to “Bork” him, not “pork” him.

Vice-President Dan Quayle says the solution to the food distribution problem in the Soviet Union lies in neighboring China. He suggests the Soviets simply call Chinese restaurants for take-out, and have the food delivered.

This just in: President Bush, in a surprise news conference, announced that the U.S. will officially recognize the Banana Republic’s independence. The popular clothing store is free to break away from Hickory Farms and the rest of the mall.

The Dead Sea Scrolls, rare documents from Biblical times, have been made public and partially translated. It seems the correct pronunciation after all is “Hey-Zeus”, and not “Jesus”, as formally thought.

Final Exit, the book that instructs its owner on suicide techniques, remains on the bestseller list for seven weeks in a row. One tip: don’t try to find this book at the library – people just don’t return it.

Pee Wee Herman.. nah. Why beat a dead horse!

Kevin Nealon: Theodore Geisel, known to his loyal readers as Dr. Suess, died this week at age 87. Like many of us, I grew up with Dr. Suess, and one of my favorite stories is “Green Eggs and Ham”. Here to read from this classic, is the Rev. Jesse Jackson. Reverand?

Jesse Jackson: Tonight, rather than read from First and Second Samuel, I read from Sam I Am, according to the latter day saint Suess.

“You do not like green eggs and ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I do not like green eggs and ham.

I could not, would not, on a boat.
I will not, will not, with a goat.
I will not eat them in the rain.
I will not eat them on a train.
Not in the dark! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! You let me be!

I do not like them in a box.
I do not like them with a fox.
I will not eat them in a house.
I do not like them with a mouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them ANYWHERE!
I do not like green eggs and ham!
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

You do not like them.
So you say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them and you may, I say.

Sam!
If you will let me be, I will try them.
You will see.

Say!
I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
And I would eat them in a boat.
And I would eat them with a goat…

I do so like
green eggs and ham!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Sam-I-am!”

Eight researchers, yesterday, sealed themselves off from the rest of the world for two years, when they entered the Biosphere II. The 24-acre structure houses animals, insects, its own ocean, a rainforest, and of course, a McDonald’s.

In a late-breaking story, Baltic Avenue has just broken off from the board game Monopoly. There’s been no comment yet from the other avenues.

Kevin Nealon: And now a look at tomorrow’s weather. [ looks at map ] Lots of reds covering the south, some yellows up in the north, blending into some browns in the midwest. 20% chance of scattered greens by Monday. Won’t be long before we can look forward to those blues.

Well, that wraps it up this week for me. I’m Kevin Nealon. Morning!

SNL Transcripts

Bill Swerski’s Super Fans

Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
…..Michael Jordan

Bob: Hello my friends, and welcome to another Bill swerski Super Fans. I’m Bob Swerski, sitting in for my brother Bill, who is recovering from his most recent heart attack and with me as always, The Super Fans. Pat Arnold.

Pat: Hey Bob.

Bob: Carl Wollarski.

Carl: Hey Bob.

Bob: And Todd O’Conner.

Todd: How are ya’ Bob?

Bob: Real good. We are coming to you as always, from Ditka’s Restaurant in Chicago, IL. Birth place of the baby back rib, and home to a certain undefeated team, in witch come January will be hosting, hoisting, a certain Super Bowl Trophy over it’s collective head. A team that is known as, DA Bears!

Together: Da Bears!!

Todd: (Burp) that’s was me!

Bob: Very nice, alright, by the way I should mention that Todd, was kind of enough to show up today. Even though earlier this week, he had yet another heart attack.

Todd: It’s alright Bob; actually this one was really just fibulation. So I just got to limit my Pork intake to Four Hundred grams a day!

Carl: Yeah it’s Tuff.

Todd: Yeah, well the doc says, I have a small piece of Polish Sausage, lodged in the lining of my heart.

Bob: Good luck with that. Now let’s turn our attention to another dynasty in progress, Da Bulls!

Together: Da Bulls!!

Bob: Ok Gentleman, the Bulls are preparing to defend their crown, and gentleman, the only question is not will they repeat, but how many times?

Pat: You know, I I don’t think were talking a repeat, a three peat, or even a four peat.

Carl: That’s right, were talking a minimum eight peat.

Todd: Absolutely.

Bob: Which brings us to our very special guest, you know him as the Airman.

Together: Da Air…….Man

Bob: Here he is Michael Jordan. (Michael Enters)….Alright, Michael I do know the boys have a lot of questions, so uh let’s get started. Gentleman.

Carl: Yeah well Michael uh, what about the Olympics. You’re representing our country. Isn’t there a concern that these games are a little lop sided?

Bob: Yeah, why don’t you just play these countries by yourself?

Todd: Yeah that’s a good idea.

Michael: I don’t think they would let me do that, guys.

Carl: What if you could have two players? Say you, and a certain coach Ditka.

Pat: That’s already unfair again.

Todd: Yeah that’s no contest.

Bob: If I may shift gears for a moment gentleman, coach Ditka vs. The Hurricane, who would win?

Todd, Pat, Carl: Ditka, Ditka!!

Bob: Hold on, Hold on, Hold on. The name of the Hurricane is Hurricane Ditka.

(Todd begins to pound chest)…..Is everything ok?

Todd: No problem, just having a heart attack. (Pounds Chest)……..Almost over! Done. Done.

Bob: Very good. Very nice recovery, now how many heart attacks is that for you Todd?

Todd: That make’s a baker’s dozen for me.

Carl: Yeah, I’ve only had six.

Bob: Well that’s something to shoot for Carl.

Michael: Bob, you don’t mind if I say something do you?

Bob: Course, go ahead.

Michael: Well it’s just about the Michael Jordan Foundation, it was established about five years ago, by my mother. I mean I am really proud of it. You know, it was established in the mid-west, I think it helps a lot of good cases. Cases like the Ronald McDonald house, Lung cancer mid-west, HIV research fund, etc. I really think it’s a good organization. I just thought this would be a good time to express my gratification about the whole ordeal. You know, you don’t mind. I think it’s very important, alright is that ok, it’s a family thing, my brother is in it, everyone is in it. You guys don’t mind do you?

Bob: No, sure go ahead.

Todd: Yeah that’s important stuff.

Carl: Absolutely.

Bob: Now thank you for coming out Michael, but before we sign off Todd here, has a special ritual that he would like to perform in honor of the Bulls. (Pause) Todd as you can see is standing in a Hula Skirt and a Coconut Bra. Todd, When was the last time you performed this ritual?

Todd: January 26, 1986, when the Bears won the Super Bowl.

Bob: Ok you may proceed.

Todd: Daaaaaaaaaaaa Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls (while dancing).

Bob: Yeah (they all stand and move towards Todd)…….(Todd has a heart attack and falls to the ground)

Carl: Clear, clear. All Clear!

Together: Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls (while dancing).

(fade)

Submitted by: Don Kelly

SNL Transcripts

Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken
…..Michael Jordan

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.

[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]

Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show today! And I’m gonna help people! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

[ turns to camera ]

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley! Well, I’m still receiving some negative reaction from my show on Pee Wee Herman, titled, “There But For The Grace Of God Go I”, and, I have to admit, it’s not my best show.. but that’s o-kay. I have to give myself permission to do a bad show every now and then. Okay.. for those of you who watch the show regularly, you know that I don’t have guests, I always do the show alone.. and that’s.. o-kay. But yesterday, my producer said, “Stuart, I can get you a guest that you would be insane not to have on the show.” So I decided to take a risk – in life, you have to take risks – and, today we have a guest.. [ reveal Michael Jordan sitting next to Stuart ] ..and his name is Michael J. – I’ll protect your anonymity. Michael is a basketball player for a professional basketball team. Well, that’s very good, Michael, you should be very proud of yourself.

Michael Jordan: Well, thank you, Stuart. I am.

Stuart Smalley: Well, good for you! Good for you! Um, Michael.. I know there must be a lot of pressure for you to play very well, and I can imagine that the night before a game, you must lie awake thinking, “I’m not good enough.. everybody’s better than me.. I’m not going to score any points.. I have no business playing this game..”

Michael Jordan: Well.. not really.

Stuart Smalley: Michael, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

Michael Jordan: Well.. I do sometimes get a little nervous before important basketball games.

Stuart Smalley: I thought so. And that’s.. o-kay. You’re not alone. Believe me, I know what it’s like.. laying there alone.. all those tapes rolling: “I’m a fraud.. tomorrow, I’m going to be exposed for what I am, a big imposter.. I just want to curl up and lay in bed all day and eat Fig Newtons.”

Michael Jordan: Well.. something like that.

Stuart Smalley: Right. Well, Michael, those negative thoughts are your critical inner thoughts saying those things to you, and I want you to replace those negative thoughts with someting positive – a daily affirmation.

Michael Jordan: Affirmation?

Stuart Smalley: Yes. Now, look in the mirror. Come on, don’t look at me. Only you can help you. [ Michael faces the mirror ] That’s it. Say, “Hello, Michael.”

Michael Jordan: [ trying to suppress his laughter ] “Hello, Michael.”

Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to be a great basketball player..”

Michael Jordan: “I don’t have to be a great basketball player..”

Stuart Smalley: “I don’t have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket..”

Michael Jordan: “I don’t have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket..”

Stuart Smalley: “Because all I have to do is be the best Michael I can be.”

Michael Jordan: “All I have to do is be the best Michael I can be.”

Stuart Smalley: “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!”

Michael Jordan: “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!”

Stuart Smalley: Now, don’t you feel better?

Michael Jordan: Well, I never really felt bad!

Stuart Smalley: Michael..

Michael Jordan: No, it’s true. Stuart, I guess pretty much of the time, I’m a very happy person. I mean, I’m a blessed person – God gave me the talent to play basketball, and I have been able to spread some of that talent, and some of that good feeling, towards everybody, to inspire other people, and help people achieve their dreams.

Stuart Smalley: [ glum ] I am just a fool.. I.. I don’t know what I’m doing.. they’re gonna cancel the show.. I’m gonna die homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight.. and no one will ever love me..

Michael Jordan: Stuart, that’s just not true. I think what you say on your show can be very helpful to people.

Stuart Smalley: You think so?

Michael Jordan: Yes! Definitely! I just don’t think it helps beating yourself up that way.

Stuart Smalley: You’re right. It’s just stinking thinking.

Michael Jordan: And, after all, this show is your dream. It’s a good dream! You deserve to have dreams come true! [ Stuart nods ] Feel better? Would you like a hug?

[ Stuart and Michael hug ]

Stuart Smalley: Thank you, Michael.

Michael Jordan: Thank you, Stuart!

Stuart Smalley: You know what? I think this is the best show I’ve ever done. And you know what? I deserve it! [ turns to his mirror ] Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

Schmitt’s Gay

Housesitter #1…..Chris Farley
Housesitter #2…..Adam Sandler

[ open on two Housesitters entering dingy-looking house ]

Housesitter #1: [ disgusted ] This is a great housesitting job you found.. this place is a dump!

Housesitter #2: Just wait’ll you see the pool.

[ they reach the pool, whch is dirty and empty ]

Housesitter #1: [ further disgusted ] No water!

[ Housesitter #2 grins slyly, then turns a faucet on and fills the pool. Dirty water starts to drip from the pipe, but suddenly the dirty pool is transformed into a sparkling paradise, as five heavily-pumped gay men rise from the water. ]

Guy In Pool: You two look like you need to get wet!

Housesitters: [ looking up to the heavens ] Thank you!

[ flash on Schmitt’s Gay logo on the front of a bottle ]

[ intercut shots of crotch areas of the gay men, as the Housesitters scream excitedly ]

[ various scenes of the Housesitters engaged in activities with the gay pool guys are seen – drinking, videotaping, doing the congo, etc. ]

Announcer: If you’ve got a big thirst, and you’re gay, reach for a cold, tall bottle of Schmitt’s Gay.

[ cut to Housesitters massaging the pool guys ]

Housesitter #1: I think I’m gonna like housesitting..

Housesitter #2: Uh.. yeah!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
September 28th, 1991

Michael Jordan

Public Enemy

Jesse Jackson

Spike Lee

Public Enemy, “Bring Tha Noize”

Wayne’s World

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Michael Jordan’s Monologue

Schmitt’s Gay Beer

The First Black Harlem Globetrotter

Bill Swerski’s Super Fans

Recurring Characters: Bob Swerski, Carl Wollarski, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Conner.

Public Enemy performs “Can’t Truss It”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Zoraida

Recurring Characters: Zoraida.

The Dark Side with Nat X

Recurring Characters: Nat X.

Tales From The Barbecue

Recurring Characters: Grandpa.

Miles Davis Memoriam

Public Enemy performs “Bring Tha Noize”

Elevator Fans III

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: 1991-1992


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Starring:

Dana Carvey

Chris Farley

Phil Hartman

Victoria Jackson

Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

Featuring:

Beth Cahill

Ellen Cleghorne

Siobhan Fallon

Al Franken

Melanie Hutsell

Tim Meadows

Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

Rob Smigel

David Spade

Episodes

09/28/91: Michael Jordan / Public Enemy

10/05/91: Jeff Daniels / Color Me Badd

10/12/91: Kirstie Alley / Tom Petty

10/26/91: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

11/02/91: Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row

11/16/91: Linda Hamilton / Mariah Carey

11/23/91: Macaulay Culkin / Tin Machine

12/07/91: Hammer

12/14/91: Steve Martin / James Taylor

01/11/92: Rob Morrow / Nirvana

01/18/92: Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson & Bruce Hornsby

02/08/92: Susan Dey / C+C Music Factory

02/15/92: Jason Priestly / Teenage Fanclub

02/22/92: Roseanne & Tom Arnold / Red Hot Chili Peppers

03/14/92: John Goodman / Garth Brooks

03/21/92: Mary Stuart Masterson / En Vogue

04/11/92: Sharon Stone / Pearl Jam

04/18/92: Jerry Seinfeld / Annie Lennox

05/09/92: Tom Hanks / Bruce Springsteen

05/16/92: Woody Harrelson / Vanessa Williams

Summary“That’s the news, and I am out of here!” Dennis Miller always quipped at the end of “Weekend Update”. And at the end of the 1990 season, he meant it – he was leaving for good, and not planning to “pathetically” hang around the set like Jon Lovitz did all season! With the departure of “Saturday Night Live”‘s longest-running anchorman, someone had to take over the show’s news segment. The assignment was given to frequent “Update” correspondent Kevin Nealon, a move which created a visible line among fans of “SNL”. Some will argue that Nealon had poor delivery, while others applaud his ability to come across sounding like a real newsman.

The 1991 season may also be remembered for having the longest opening credits ever, with performers being announced in three different categories.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
Gen. Norman Schwartzkoff…..Chris Farley
…..Chris Rock

[ Music Over: “Go Your Own Way”, Fleetwood Mac ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchroperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?

President Bush reported that he shed ten pounds in the last three weeks, and hopes to lose another 165 pounds by November 1992.
[ show picture of Bush with Quayle ]

[ over picture of Kissinger next to a U.S. map ]
Henry Kissinger flipped out this week on “The CBS Morning News”, and began revealing the secret location of missile silos in the midwestern United States.

An additional 47 1/2 hours of President Nixon’s Watergate tapes will be made public this summer, said the National Archives this week. If the tapes do well, Nixon may be coming out with a new album in the Fall.

Dennis Miller: This week, General Norman Scwartzkoff got into some hot water, speaking to the West Point cadet corps. He called Pentagon insiders who criticized the Army “military fairies”, a phrase which offended some of the gay and lesbian community. Here to clarify his meaning, is General “Stormin'” Norman Schwartzkoff. Welcome, General!

Gen. Norman Schwartzkoff: Well, thank you, Dennis! Let me say right off that, when I used the term “fairy”, I was speaking colloquially. Where I grw up in New Jersey, the word “fairy” was often substituted for other terms. For instance, on my block, the Staten Island Ferry is called the Statan Island Gay Boy. And, of course, we all believed in the Tooth Faggot! Let’s not let this minor incident diminish the fact that our combined forces kicked some Iraqi butt! Hell, we got the damn thing on video cassette! Those Iraqis are lucky I had an army, ’cause if I didn’t, I would have been forced to go over there myself and personally beat the livin’ tar out of each and every individual who came within my parameter! [ stands ] And I’ll tell you one more thing: I want Holyfield! I want Holyfield! I showed you what these guns can do in the Middle East, now I’m gonna show what they can do in the ring! This summer, Atlantic City, the Taj Mahal: Holyfield/Schwartzkoff!! It’s the War on the Shore! I’m the Whale That Prevails! Vander, you’re going DOWN, Sir! In three! You will take your punishment! [ rips open shirt to reveal “Stormin’ Norman” t-shirt ]

Dennis Miller: General Norman Schwartzkoff, folks. You need one of those spit shields from the salad bar..

Spike Lee and Anthony Quinn posed at the Cannes Film Festival in the south of France this week, where they propsed plans to do a new film together, called “The Nike High Tops of the Fisherman”.

Dennis Miller: In the past few weeks, there’s been speculation that President Bush will drop Vice-President Dan Quayle from the Republican ticket, and replace him with Colin Powell, giving Mr. Powell the chance to become the country’s first black Vice-President. More on this story, from our “Saturday Night Live” news correspondent. Please welcome Chris Rock. Chris?

Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis! Now, as you know, there’s a lot of talk about a black Vice-President, and I want to tell the world that it’s not gonna happen. As long as you live, you wil never see a black Vice-President. You know why? ‘Cause some black guy will just kill the President, that’s why. I would do it. If Colin Powell was Vice-President, I would kill the President, and tlel his mother about it, okay? What would happen? What would they do? What are they gonna do, put me in jail with a bunch of black guys who are gonna treat me like a hero for the rest of my life? I would be the biggest star in jail, man! Guys would be coming up to me, I’d be signing autographs: “97-KY, there you go!” Guys would be saying, “Hey, man, you the brother that shot Bush! And you told his mother about it, huh? Yo, I hope my children turn out to be just like you, man! You know, I was getting ready to rape you, until I realized who you were!” And even if they had a death penalty, what would would happen? I would just get pardoned by the black President! So, as you can see, Dennis, it would not be in George Bush’s best interests to place Colin Powell on the ticket. Thanks a lot, Dennis!

Dennis Miller: Chris Rock!

Superbowl champion New York Giant coach, Bill Parcells, is leaving his job as Head Coach of the team. Parcells told the press that he told the guys not to dump Gatorade on him again, they went ahead and did it, so he’s gone

Dennis Miller: Well, this is my last show.. I want to thank all the people I worked with, you couldn’t ask for a nicer group of people. And I want to thank all of you. It’s been my real privilege to work here, and I’ll msis it a lot. Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am out of here!

SNL Transcripts