Tag: Al Sharpton

Politics Nation- Voter I.D. Disaster

Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

Cristie Jacobs… Sasheer Zamata

Charles Richards… Al Sharpton

[Starts with Al Sharpton in his set]

Al Sharpton: Good Sunday morning. I’m Reverend Al Sharpton. The New York primary is this Tuesday and states across the country has set up this voter ID laws. But it’s the real purpose to diss in french fries, people. Let’s talk about this.

[Cut to Politics Nation intro]

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton: Joining me now to talk about the new laws is a senior blogger for the Daily Kos, Craisty Jacobs.

[Cut to Christie Jacobs]

Christie Jacobs: Ah, hello Reverend. My name is Christie, not Craisty.

[Cut to split screen]

Al Sharpton: Not in my church. Now, is the real purpose of these ID laws to suplex– excuse me, suppress the minority vote?

Christie Jacobs: Absolutely. Why do they need IDs all of a sudden? Usually they just skip that step and say, “Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.” They say that these laws will stop fraud. Is voter fraud that big of a problem in this country?

Al Sharpton: Sure it is. I have mothers calling me all the time, saying “Help me Reverend Sharpton. My son is out there on the streets committing voter fraud.”

Christie Jacobs: Really?

Al Sharpton: No. But thank you for joining us, Craisty Jacobs.

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Now on to the democratic primary. Despite Bernie Sanders win this week in Wisconsin, it’s not secret that Hillary Clinton is raising nits– excuse me, resonating more with black voters. Here to give us some insight is my personal statistical analyst, Mr. Charles Richards.

[Charles Richards walks in the set]

Charles Richards: Good morning Reverend, please don’t take this the wrong way but I expected you to be a little skinnier. I know you work really hard to lose all that weight. It’s a shame to see that you seem to have gained it back.

Al Sharpton: Well, frankly Charles, I like myself this way. People say I look younger. Now, black vote is crucial this election. And you’ve created an algo… rhythm to show our community it’s meaning.

Charles Richards: That’s right. My algorithm is called the black approval rating scale. Each candidate gets a number between one and 10 based on their standing in the black community.

Al Sharpton: Okay then, let’s start with Hillary Clinton.

Charles Richards: Secretary Clinton gets a 7.2 rating with black voters because her husband is Bill Clinton, who despite recent outburst is beloved in the African American community.

Al Sharpton: Oh, absolutely. Bill Clinton could walk into the BET awards after party, sit at Rihanna’s table and order a bowl of Mac & Cheese and everybody would say, “That seems right.” What about Bernie Sanders?

Charles Richards: Senator Sanders gets a score of 6.3. Yes, he was active in the civil rights movement, but for some reason he seems like the kind of person who still calls Mohammad Ali, Cassius.

Al Sharpton: Absolutely. Also, he’s from Vermont. It’s a beautiful state but never has a black person said, “Hey, I got time off this weekend. Anybody want to go to Vermont?” Let’s go over to the republican side. How about Ted Cruz?

Charles Richards: Senator Cruz gets a 2.1 on the black approval scale rating, because look at him. You just know he’s up to something.

Al Sharpton: Indeed. He’s a sneaky little mouse. And how about Donald Trump?

Charles Richards: Come on now.

Al Sharpton: Come on now.

Charles Richards: Come on now.

Al Sharpton: Come on now.

Charles Richards: Right now, Donald Trump has a black approval rating of -1,048. But that could go down.

Al Sharpton: Absolutely. Black people should never trust a white person who’s hair is more processed than their’s. And how is Obama doing?

Charles Richards: Not bad. His numbers continue to rise. He was at 16. But he just went up to 22. I don’t even know what he did.

Al Sharpton: Well either way, it’s phantom nominal.

Charles Richards: It’s pronounced ‘phenomenal’. What’s going on with you today, Al? You’re usually a very smart person.

Al Sharpton: I don’t know. I think all this weight fluctuation is messing with my brain. Let’s take a break. More with Charles when we return to Politics Nation.

Politics Nation Cold Open

Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

Lawrence Tatum… Jay Pharoah

Peter Dinello… Bobby Mounihan

[Starts with Politics Nation intro]

[Cut to Al Sharpton in his set]

Al Sharpton: Okay, welcome to Politics Nation.

[cheers and applause]

Now, what happened in Ferguson has come to New York. This Arizona decision has upset me so much that in three days I have gained over 100 pounds. The world agrees. The Grand Jury’s decision was dubwa. Excuse me, dubious. Now, all over the country there are protests. And or the first time in my life, everyone agrees with me. Folks are high-fiving with me, invited me places, this must be what it feels like to be Beyonce. What the hell is going on? Last night I was sitting in front of my TV and I found myself saying, “You damn right Bill O’Reilly. I’m all messed up.”

Either way, it’s clear. The Grand Juries in both New York and Slosis– Excuse me, Saint Louis, have a lot to answer for. Joining me to make sense of it all is Lawrence Tatum, [Cut to Lawrence Tatum]  a civil rights lawyer who specializes in criminal justice.

[Cut to split screen of Al Sharpton and Lawrence Tatum]

Lawrence Tatum: Thanks for having me. Now, when a Grand Jury–

Al Sharpton: [interrupting] I mean this is just crazy.

Lawrence Tatum: Yeah, it is.

Al Sharpton: I mean, what does a man have to do to be put on trial?

Lawrence Tatum: I know, but the issue is–

Al Sharpton: [interrupting] How are you gonna get the whole thing on video, then turn around and say that there’s no crime here?

Lawrence Tatum: I have no idea. And I think that–

Al Sharpton: [interrupting] This is not how I would have done it. This is a ‘He did it.’

Lawrence Tatum: You’re right. You’re more than right.

Al Sharpton: Well, thank you, Lawrence Tatum for clearing this up for us. I really appreciate your time and insight.

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

But not everyone agrees that our country has a twatted– excuse me, two-tiered justice system. Joining me now is Peter Dinello, a deputy spokesman for the Patrolman’s Benevolent Association on Staten Island.

[Cut to Peter Dinello]

Thank you for being here.

Peter Dinello: Thanks for bringing me on.

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton: Ay! I got my hands up already.

[Cut to split screen of Al Sharpton and Peter Dinello]

Peter Dinello: That’s very funny but I am not a police officer. I merely speak for the brotherhood of the police. And when I say brotherhood, I mean that 75% of police on Staten Island are brothers. The rest are just cousins.

Al Sharpton: Mr. Dinello, most people agree that the Grand Jury got it wrong in the Staten Island case.

Peter Dinello: Not so fast Al. [Cut to Peter Dinello] You see, this is very complicated. I mean, on one side, you have a video seen by millions that seems to clearly show police negligence. But on the other side, [laughing] I mean, yeah!

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton: But whatever it is do these Juries need, I mean they got the whole thing on video.

[Cut to Lawrence Tatum]

Peter Dinello: But not in HD. Under New York law, if you’re gonna record a police in infraction on video, it must be at least 1080p resolution. And you must hold the camera horizontically, not vertically. It’s just more cinematic that way.

[Cut to split screen of Al Sharpton and Peter Dinello]

Al Sharpton: Bull-dutied Mr. Dinello, I’m gonna ask you a simple question, what does it take for a police officer to be indicted for a homicide?

Peter Dinello: Well, you know, it does happen Al, but there are very clear rules on this. [Cut to Peter Dinello. He is reading from a paper] Okay, let’s see. Um, the victim must not be resisting arrest. It’s best if he’s sleeping. And, it helped if he’s white.

[Cut to split screen of Al Sharpton and Peter Dinello]

Al Sharpton: I knew it. I knew it. Well, thank you for being here Mr. Dinello.

Peter Dinello: Thank you, Al. And good luck to you and all your protest friends going out there and stopping traffic in the city. Seems like the best way to get people on your side.

[Cut to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton: Ay! It’s our pleasure. And now, I thought we take a moment to heal. This week a photo was taken that has touched so many people.

[Cut to a photo of a policeman hugging an old lady]

It shows a Portman Police Sargent Brett Barnum hugging a young Farrell Williams. [Cut to Al Sharpton] And I thought, we need more this kind of out reach here in America, which is why I went to the streets in New York to hug a police officer myself. And I got this picture.

[Cut to Al Sharpton hugging a police officer in New York. The police is annoyed.]

Look at him. He’s so happy. [Cut to Al Sharpton] So, it is up to all of us to move this thing forward. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Ebola Press Conference

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

Ron Klain… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moyniham

Aidy Bryant

Al Sharpton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with C-SPAN intro]

Announcer: Next on C-SPAN, earlier today President Obama introduced Ebola czar Ron Klain who took questions on the latest developments in the Ebola crisis.

[Cut to Barack Obama]

[cheers and applause]

Barack Obama: Well, thank you all for coming. As you know, just two days ago, another American, this time a doctor in New York was diagnosed with Ebola. Now, some people want to criticize the way our administration has handled this crisis. And it’s true, we made a few mistakes early on. But I assure you, it was nowhere near as bad as how we handled the ISIS situation. I mean, our very Secret Service mishaps, or the scandals of the IRS and the NSA. And I don’t know if you guys remember, but the Obamacare website had some pretty serious problems too. In fact, if you look at all the stuff that’s happened my second term, this whole Ebola thing is probably one of my greatest accomplishments.

Now, I’d like to introduce the man who will be managing this crisis moving forward. New Ebola czar, Ron Klain.

[Ron Klain walks in]

Ron Klain: Thank you Mr. President. Thank you. [applause] Thank you members of the press. I am really more of a behind the scene’s guy but I am excited to take your questions. Yes.

[Cut to the press.]

Cecily: Mr. Klain, you have no actual medical training or background with dealing with infectious disease, is that correct?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Um, yes. Yes, that is true. I am not a doctor. But, to be fair, I did service chief of staff to vice president Joe Biden. So, I do have some experience with the little something called food in mouth disease. [laughing]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: It seems like that’s a joke disease. Just to confirm, no experience with actual medical diseases?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: No. Next question.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: A lot of Americans still don’t understand why we have an issue to travel ban on flights on West Africa.

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Okay, at this point, a travel ban on country is with Ebola would be an overreaction. If anything, we should be more afraid of the flu. It kills many more people every year.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: But 0.01% with the flu die from it. And with Ebola, it’s Aidy0%.

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Yes, yes, well we could all go throwing statistics around.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha. Such as?

[Cut to Ron Klain. He doesn’t know any statistic.]

Ron Klain: I don’t have any with me at the moment but if you just give me some time, everything will be 100% cool as hell.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Mr. Klain, some have speculated you were brought in mainly to handle this from a political perspective. Even the midterm elections are in two weeks. Any comment on that?

[Cut to Ron Klain]

Ron Klain: Yeah! Right now, I am not worried about winning elections. However, there are a few safety tips that people should know heading towards election day. For example, the Ebola virus actually flourishes in warmer clients– climates, excuse me. So, if you live in a southern state such as Louisiana, Arkansas or Kentucky, you actually may want to avoid any large public spaces like, say a polling booth. One exception however, is that we believe Latinos in red states may actually have immunity to Ebola. So, they’re good to go.

And now, finally, we wanted someone from New York to talk directly to you. So, we asked mayor De Blasio and governor Cuomo, but it turns out there was only one New York democrat willing to be seen with President Obama today.

[Al Sharpton walks in]

Al Sharpton: Hey, hey, hey. [cheers and applause] To save the day! Thank you Ron Klain, Ebola Czar. Okay, first off, yes, Ebola is in New York. But don’t worry about me, I’m immuned to all infectious diseases as even the tiniest particles cannot get past this mustache. And all you other New Yorkers shouldn’t worry either. People should go about their daily lives. And so should New York’s pigeons, rats and sewer monsters. Because if you worry that some parts of New York are contaminated, you’re wrong. All of New York is contaminated all the time.

I once got the clap by wearing short shorts through the port authority. Snap!

So, information. Be safe, brush your teeth and [shouting] live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.