Mr. Tumnus | Season 44 Episode 11

Mr. Tumnus… James McAvoy

Christine… Cecily Strong

Tova… Aidy Bryant

Rebecca… Kate McKinnon

Edmond… Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of the show]

Narrator: And now the chronicles of Narnia, return to Narnia.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus playing flute in his house] [Door knocks]

Mr. Tumnus: Oh, my goodness, who could that be?

[Mr. Tumnus walks to the door and opens it] [There’s Christine outside the door]

Christine: Oh, my god, Mr. Tumnus, is this real? I’m in freaking Narnia meeting Mr. Tumnus.

[Christine slowly walks in]

Mr. Tumnus: Surprise visitor. Very nice. Please sit.

Christine: Okay, this is happening.

Mr. Tumnus: I’m sorry. Have we met before?

[Mr. Tumnus and Christine both sit down]

Christine: No. I mean yes. Okay. Re-do. [Cut to Christine] Hi, I’m Christine. Big fan. I’m staying at an Air B&B and I guess I went through wardrobe and I walked for five hours until I found you. Mr. Tumnus, I watched “The lion, the witch and the wardrobe” in the seventh grade and you’ve become my Back Street boy.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: I see. I was your girlhood crush, correct? Let me guess, it was my nonthreatening masculinity. I’m sort of jacked but still, in a little bit of a British way.

[Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus]

Christine: Yes. I would draw you and I would take liberties. Does that make sense?

Mr. Tumnus: Yes. That tracks, actually. So, tell me about yourself.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Oh, I run a tea shop that sells vaginal teas. But not my career. Look at your hairy legs. [Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus] Who are you? Me? Because I stopped trying years ago? This is going well, I can tell.

[The door knocks] [Mr. Tumnus stands and walks towards the door]

Tova: Christine? Christine?

Mr. Tumnus: Someone’s at the door. They must be looking for you Christine.

[Mr. Tumnus opens the door. Tova and Rebecca walk in.]

Tova: Oh, my god.

Rebecca: Hang on. It’s like, him.

Tova: The Tumnus.

Mr. Tumnus: Friends of your’s, Christine?

[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]

Tova: Oh, Mr. Tumnus. I’m Tova.

Rebecca: And I’m Rebecca’s, with, and I just say like, congrats on this.

Mr. Tumnus: Well, would you like to join your friend?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: Wait, wait, wait, up guys are into Tumnus too?

Tova: Oh, full body, yes.

Mr. Tumnus: Christine, don’t be so surprised. [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] You see, hundreds of your kind that visit me here every year, because I suppose in a way  I’ve become an unlikely sex symbol for a very specific sort of woman. Sort of a lazy hermine if you will.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Tova: Oh yes. That is us to a “T”.

Rebecca: Frizzy hair, no cell.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: And to you, I am the perfect combination of man, animal, scarf and flute music.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Rebecca: Okay, I feel seen.

Tova: So, how we do this? All at once? One at a time?

Rebecca: This might be too forward but like, Mr. Tumnus, I want to put my thumbnus in your bumnus.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Please tell me, what brought you to England in the first place.

[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]

Tova: Well, we all love old wet history. So we’re doing a girls trip, one last before we all freeze our eggs.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Oh, but I’m not freezing mine because I have to. It’s because I want to. We can try and you wouldn’t have to take care of it, but — Christine shut up– I’m sorry. I might be in a lot right now, today I’ll cry.

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Tumnus: No, seriously, you are lovely [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] but if that is what you truly desire, I must break it to you, that I’m not human.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Rebecca: Yes, we know, and that’s what we like. Mama wants a boyfriend she can pet.

Tova: So goat peeing, what does that look like? I can google it but I’m very scared.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: Ladies, ladies, you flatter me with your persistence, but please, I must let you know that I am in fact spoken for. Edmond? Oh, Eddo.

[Cut to everybody] [Edmond walks in]

Edmond: Ah, yes? Does my Tum tum want more Turkish delights?

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Christine: Oh, my god, he’s gay. No wonder he’s my type.

Tova: And this is officially a pattern for me.

[Cut to Edmond]

Edmond: Would you like to stay for dinner? We’re having shakshouka.

[Cut to everybody] [Ladies stand up and leave]

Christine: No, no, no, no. It’s okay. Just cherish each other, okay.

Rebecca: Gals, let’s find ourselves a rebound. Neville longbottom?

Tova: Yes, Neville was the hot one.

Narrator: This has been “The Chronicles of Narnia”

[Ends with an outro]

Another Brothers | Season 44 Episode 11

Mrs. Johnson… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Johnson… Mikey Day

Mom… Cecily Strong

Dad… James McAvoy

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Jared… Beck Bennett

Spencer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Super Bowl announcer’s sound coming out of a house]

Mrs. Johnson: Listen Dave. [Cut to six adults sitting inside the house watching Super Bowl] Thank you so much for inviting us to your Super Bowl party.

Mr. Johnson: Yeah. And seriously, these potato skins are insane.

Mom: OH, please.

Dad: We love having you.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, well. I’m just here to keep his eyes off those cheerleaders.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, no promises.

[Cut to everybody laughing] [Spencer and Jared are fighting upstairs]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

Mr. Johnson: What was that noise?

Mom: Oh-oh. That’s our boys, [Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Dad and Mom] acting up ever since I got remarried.

Dad: Hey, you guys, ya’ll want to meet ‘em?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mrs. Johnson: Sure.

Dad: Hey, boys, [Cut to everybody] come out down here and make the Johnson’s.

[Jared and Spencer come downstairs fighting]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Spencer and Jared]

Spencer: Stop hitting my nuts!

Jared: I’m not hitting your nuts!

Spencer: Get of my nuts!

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys. Now, come on. What’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Sorry, sir.

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Am I going to have to tell you again? Am I going to have to turn this hose on you and blow you again? Or ya’ll goin’ be good boys?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: We’ll be good boys, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mrs. Johnson: You keep a leaf blower in the house?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well yes. Otherwise they’d be all wet.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Okay, boys, now come say hello to the Johnson’s.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared: Hi Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. My name’s Jared. I play basketball.

Spencer: I’m Spencer. I’m younger than him, but I made all stars.

Jared: No, you didn’t

Spencer: Yes, I did. Coach told me.

Jared: You’re a liar!

[Spencer and Jared starts to fight again]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer] [Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys, now, this behavior is unacceptable.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Yes, sir, we’re sorry, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Spencer, come show the Johnson’s a campbell’s what you’ve been working on?

Mr. Johnson: Actually, we kind of want to go now.

Mrs. Johnson: Did you two know about this?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I think we blocked it out.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Yeah, we definitely chose to forget.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, this is my touchdown dance. [Spencer starts to dance]

Jared: What? That’s my touchdown dance. [Jared starts to dance with Spencer]

Spencer: You’re not even doing it right!

Jared: I’m doing it perfect!

Spencer: Oh yeah? Explain this. Ow! Mr. and Mrs. Johnson this is the dance. Right?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Jared: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson is this a dance?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer dancing]

Spencer: Which one of the touchdown dancers Mr. and Mrs Johnson?

Jared: Is this the dance Mr. and Mrs. Johnson?

Spencer: That’s not the dance. [Spencer carries a chair and hits Jared with it]

Jared: You’re dead! [Jared grabs Spencer’s shirt and throws him into TV breaking the TV] Live from the Super Bowl, it’s my brother! He broke the TV. [Jared jumps over Spencer] [Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray] [Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well, that’s the last time, dammit. Ya’ll are embarrassing us in front of our company.

Jared: Sorry sir. He started it.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared:  Oh, I’m stupid? Well, they tried to abandon you. Dad, tell him.

Spencer: Wait, what?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Oh, god.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

Jared: Go on, dad. Tell him what happened.

Spencer: Dad—what’s he talking about?

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well—you know Spence—you know how you were an accident?

Spencer: Yeah.

Dad: And your mama and your first daddy weren’t planning on having a second?

Spencer: Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: Why do you talk to him this way?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, Spence, after you were born, she put you up for adoption, but the family that adopted you, they brought you back.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: So – so there was – there was nobody that wanted me?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: No. But you were meant to come back to us, sweetie. And every day since has been the best day of our lives.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: That’s right, son. Now, why don’t you give each other ten apology kisses.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer and Jared: Aw, yes, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: But why, though?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing nine times]

Mom: Hey. [Cut to Mom] That was only nine.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing one more time]

Spencer and Jared: Aw. Good night Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

[Cut to everyone. Spencer and Jared are running upstairs]

Spencer: Go!

Mom: Well, sorry you guys. I think the TV might be broken.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, your son’s head went through it.

[Cut to everyone]

Dad: Hey, ya’ll want to go upstairs and watch with the boys?

Everybody: No.

[Dad runs upstairs]