Tag: Press

Classified Press Conference Cold Open

Merrick Garland… Mikey Day

Conrad Nance… Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Criminals beware. There’s a new sheriff in town, and he means business. First, he hunted down that January 6 insurrectionists and made them pay. Now he’s searching for classified documents, and he’s coming for who ever have them. Democrat, Republican, or whatever Trump is now. And you don’t want to be in his crosshairs. He’s Attorney General, Merrick Garland.

[Cut to Merrick Garland]

Merrick Garland: Hello. I am Merrick Garland. I may look like I was born in a library, but there’s something you should know. [he shakes his head making whipping sound] Merrick Garland don’t play. [again he shakes his head making whipping sound] As you may have heard, classified documents have been found in the homes of President Biden and former Vice President Pence whose lawyers are cooperating. And also at the home of former President Trump, whose lawyer put a horse head in my bed. Some have said the federal government classifies too many documents, about 50 million a year. This has led people to ask, “Does recovering these documents even matter?” To which I say “I don’t know. But it’s the law.” [he shakes his head making whipping sound] And I am the law.

To enforce the law, I sent teams to search the homes of several recent Presidents and Vice Presidents. Starting with Mike Pence, Special Agent Conrad Nance will brief you on what we discovered.

Conrad Nance: Right, thank you very much. Upon arriving at Mr. Pence’s Indiana home I knew right away, this man needed a friend. When he opened the door he said “You came!”, with a big smile and he offered to make us pancakes. Our search turned up no additional classified documents. However, in an envelope marked “TAXSTUFF”, we discovered photographs of the country pop singer Shania Twain, cut out from several magazines. When confronted with this, Mr. Pence said “I’m sorry, I’m disgusting.” Then we informed Mr. Pence that we were done and we had to leave. He said, “How can you leave when you’re it?” And then tagged me on the shoulder and ran away. Hoping that I would chase after him and play tag. Which I did not. I will say though that if you know Mr. Pence, if you’re friends with them, check on your people. That’s all.

Merrick Garland: All right. Thank you, agent Nance. Next Special Agent Casey Combs will discuss if there were any classified documents at Vide President Kamala Harris’s home.

Casey Combs: Come on now. Joe Biden won’t even give this woman a pin. You think she has classified documents? Please Kamala Harris with classified documents?

Merrick Garland: Well, we had to at least check. Thank you, agent combs. Finally, we searched former President Barack Obama’s home. Special Agent Derek K. will discuss what we found.

Derek K.: Thank you. Yeah, I don’t mean to brag, but I was in Barack Obama’s house. But no big deal, but it was really fun. Mr. Obama opened the door and said, “Are you selling girl scout cookies?” Which is totally cracking up. Like, completely dead. We then entered the home and were shown a number of things including 175 letters from Lin Manuel Miranda begging the president to attend a performance of Hamilton. Obama like read one as Lin Manuel, he was like, “Dear Mr. President, the resume-”  I’m not doing it as funny as he did. It was so fun. Anyway, we asked him about classified documents and he said he was “Out of the government game” and “Doing the Hollywood thing now.” But then Beyonce called him on his cell phone, and he ignored it. So yeah, just liike really cool fun time.

Merrick Garland: All right, there you have in America. If you have classified documents in your home, I have one question for you. Do you think this is a game? Who do you think you’re playing with?  [he shakes his head making whipping sound]  F around and find out!

Conrad Nance: Hey, boss, when we’re done playing with the little papers, we’re gonna head down to Memphis and make sure justice is served down there too right?

Merrick Garland: I sincerely hope so.

Conrad Nance: Yeah, you damn right. Just making sure.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Eric Adams Press Conference

Emily Hernandez…Ariana DeBose

Eric Adams… Chris Redd

[Starts with Emily Hernandez speaking on a podium]

Emily Hernandez: Good morning, everyone. I’d like to welcome everyone to City Hall. As you know, it’s been a tough few years for New York but we have a new mayor now. And he hungry. But I will warn you the mayor does not like chaos. If y’all act up, I will come for you, okay? Now please clap for your new mayor, the friskiest uncle at your barbecue, ladies and gentlemen, Eric Adams.

[Eric Adams walks in]

Eric Adams: Okay. Yeah, I see you New York. Oh, smile everybody. It’s New York. It’s January, baby. [Emily Hernandez and Eric Adams dancing] Ay! Ain’t no contact but she knows I’m there. You know what I’m saying?

Emily Hernandez: Knock yourself, sir.

Eric Adams: I’ll watch you, girl. Go ahead and cut that track. What’s up, New York? It’s your homeboy, your hometown hero, Eric Adams. You feel that? New York is back baby. The city’s never had a mayor with so much swag before. I mean, y’all see me outside. The pea coat, the scarf, the shine of baldy. You can tell I have swagger. It keeps me healthy. See? The city’s been suffering for what I like to call a swagless existence. Y’all had no swag. That’s why you get sick. No offense. Let’s just be real. I haven’t been sick in over 60 years. I’m muscular. I’m vegan. And I get that dang thing every day before breakfast. You can start the day without finishing first, you understand me? I’m just playing, unless you like that. Okay, now let’s get to some questions so we can fix this city. Bishop from New York. Let’s go.

[Cut to press raising their hands to ask questions]

Ah! Ah! Ah! No, I do not do chaos in my city. Okay. I told you all that I was a police officer for over 70 years. If I get startled, I start beating people’s asses. I don’t want to do that.

Emily Hernandez: And excuse me. But this man, he is not Bill DeBlasio.

Eric Adams: No, I ain’t that weak ass.

Emily Hernandez: Now, he will kick your ass.

Eric Adams: Okay, now she’s joking, but she’s from the Bronx. So, is she? Okay, questions. Let’s start with the squirrel up front. Go ahead, squirrel.

Mikey: Me? Okay. Mr. Mayor, you said you intend to keep schools open despite skyrocketing COVID numbers and outcry from teachers? Does that still make sense?

Eric Adams: Thank you, nut nut. Little squirrel man asked a really good question. Yes, kids need to stay in school. Learn about life. There are too many swagless parents out there giving their kids no swag at home and as a mayor that is so saucy, just dripping in swag goo, it hurts my heart. It’s dangerous to have your kids out there with no swag. Let me tell you a story about a boy I went to school with, little Timmy now. The boy had no swag. Dumbass shoes, dumbass shirt, dumbass pants. One day little Timmy walks his dusty ass up to the finest girl in school. Tiffany DoBarton. Whoo! she was fine, you know. Now, little Timmy look to her right in the eye and boom, drop dead, right there, the lack of swagger stop the boy hard. It was so sad. You know what Shakespeare says? “If doth lack of the swagger, woth for art thou, heart shall beat no more” or something like that. Bitch, I’m from New York. Does that answer your question?

Mikey: Not really. No.

Eric Adams: Good. Next question.

Mikey: Oh wait, Mr. Mayor.

Emily Hernandez: No, no, no, no. Excuse me. Let me ask you one more question. No, no, no, no, no. That’s how y’all sound? This ain’t the C train. Okay? We have here. Proceed.

Eric Adams: Alright, then. Miss lady, go ahead.

Heidi: Mr. Mayor, last week you said low skill workers don’t have the skills to sit in an office. Do you really believe that?

Eric Adams: I’m glad you brought that back up, Princess Peach. And congrats on escaping that castle. Look, that quote was taken out of context, obviously. Let me clarify. But unskilled workers, I mean folks with trash jobs, I mean, trash lives– Wait, no. What I mean is if you were better at life, you would have a desk. No. I’m sorry. Y’all miss hearing me and it’s making me misquote myself. Listen, we in a society, okay? And there are kings and there are queens, and then everybody else below that. The dirty people. Is that better for you? Hey, I don’t like the way you making me feel right now? Man, I was a cop for 97 years. You understand me? Show me some respect. Next question. Weird Eminem.

Bowen: Mr. Mayor, what qualifications does your brother have to be head of your security detail? Isn’t that nepotism?

Eric Adams: Thank you, cyka cyka Slim Shady. Now, y’all keep asking me about my brother like y’all could kick his ass or something. Listen, I was a cop for over 222 years. I trust my brother. We got a lot of secrets together. Bad too. Plus y’all forget, JFK appointed his brother. Why? Because the man had swagger. I could be your JFK, New York. And I’m out here looking for my Marilyn Monroe. Shout out. But look. But unlike JFK, I’m not gonna get popped in the head. I’m gonna receive some. Okay. That was my staff waving at me saying I should not have made that joke and that’s fair. I do apologize. Unless you like that. Now, I’ll leave you with this, New York. Y’all in good black Boolean hands, alright? And we’re gonna beat this virus together and I believe that. Plus you know what rhymes with cough? Tough. And I mean it doesn’t but it should. And New York is tough as hell. And I dare COVID to run up on me. Please COVID, come to Brooklyn bro! Walk right up to this ass whooping! Okay? I’ll leave the light on for you dog. COVID is welcome anytime in New York. You can print that.

Emily Hernandez: Okay. Well, maybe let’s not welcome the virus. But thank you everyone. Seriously.

Eric Adams: Alright. Well, let’s have a great four years everybody. Bishop from New York, let’s go.

Football Press Conference Cold Open

PR… Cecily Strong

Roger Goodell… Colin Jost

Jon Gruden… James Austin Johnson

Mark Davis… Alex Moffat

Larry Rucker… Pete Davidson

Equipment Manager… Andrew Dismukes

Cheerleader… Heidi Gardner

Giuseppe… Kyle Mooney

Colin Kaepernick… Chris Redd

Lavar Burton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NFL show intro]

Male voice: And now, a message from the National Football League.

[Cut to PR at the podium of press conference.] [cheers and applause]

PR: Good evening. Good evening. I am ‘prefers to remain anonymous’ and I handle public relations for the NFL. So, if anyone wants to switch jobs, let me know. Now, I’d like to bring up the commissioner to address this week’s scandal. This is not the NFL draft but it’s still okay to boo him. Roger Goodell.

[Roger Goodell walks in] [Audience booing]

Roger Goodell: You don’t really have to boo. Good evening. Hi, I’m Roger Goodell and when you see me on TV, it’s never good. This time, one of our coaches is accused of racism, misogyny and homophobia. But hey, at least no one’s talking about concussions. I think we can all agree emails sent by the Raiders’ coach Jon Gruden were horrifying and deeply offensive, specially to me. I was referred to as the F word, the P word, the C word, the R word, the F’ing R word, and the F’ing R word P word. And once weirdly I was called a DILF. That was kind of sweet. But I assure you all 32 teams in our league understand that diversity is our strength. And I know our black coaches would agree. Both of them. Now coach Gruden has asked to say a few words. I said, “Bad idea.”  But he got on his knees and begged and you know how much I hate seeing someone kneel. So, let’s hear it one more time for coach Gruden.

[Jon Gruden walks in]

Jon Gruden: Thank you, Roger. And I’m sorry to all the Raiders fans out there. I hope you won’t judge me on one email I sent 10 years ago, or the 20 emails I sent last Tuesday. But I promise I don’t have a racist bone in my body. When I called an African American player ‘darker than a night with no stars’, that wasn’t racial. I was referring to sense of humor which is extremely dark and edgy. Like that show ‘Louie’ on FX. Hey, when’s the next season coming out? Also called the commissioner gay F word like a hundred times. Yes.

Now, this sounds like a stretch, but if you’ve ever got burned by auto correct. Hear me out. So, I’m a bit of a naval buff and I often send my friends emails about frigates, which are warships. I’ll say, “Look at that flaming frigate!” That’s when a warship’s on fire. Or, “That dumb ass frigate can S my D.” That’s about a warship performing oral sex on another warship. You get it! My point is I never meant to hurt anyone. I meant to hurt them secretly behind their backs. But appearances matter. So, I’ll turn it over to a guy who’s all about appearances, Las Vegas Raiders owner, Mark Davis.

[Mark Davis walks in] [cheers and applause]

Mark Davis: Hi, folks. Mark Davis here. Or as my players call me, the botched circumcision. Okay. Look, guys, what coach Gruden did was disgraceful. But we need to do better. Okay? we need to as I always tell my barber, air higher! [pointing at his haircut] And trust me, I’ve heard all the jokes about my hair and how it looks like Donald Trump’s haircut gave me a haircut. But we’re making this right and moving on. So, I’m gonna turn it over to our new head coach, Larry ‘don’t make me do this’ Rucker.

[Larry Rucker walks in] [cheers and applause]

Larry Rucker: Hey, guys. Thank you. It is an honor to take over this storied franchise and a real shame that I have to immediately resign. They just found my emails too. And they are so much worse than the old coaches. I put the F word in the subject line. I started an email chain called, “Hey, let’s rank the racists.” And I responded to all of coach Gruden’s emails, “LOL, this is so true and funny! You the man, Gruden!”

Anyway, thank you and I look forward to joining ESPN in three months.

[Equipment Manager walks in]

Equipment Manager: Okay. Hi. Hi, everyone. I was the equipment manager five minutes ago, then someone just pushed me on stage and whispered, “You the coach now.” So, let me say this. Las Vegas will not tolerate misogyny of any kind. Never has, never will. I will vouch for the entire city on that. Also, I’m resigning immediately. I see reporters digging through my old tweets and that will not end well for me. I never should have dressed up as Jackie Chan for Halloween, but 2019 was a different era. Thank you and I’ll throw it over to the new chairman of Women’s Relations for the NFL, a cheerleader for the Washington football team.

[Cheerleader walks in]

Cheerleader: Whoo! Thank you. Thank you. I just like my team don’t have a name. And I just want to say the emails Jon Gruden sent to our organization do not reflect the values of our team. A team that until a year ago was called the Red Skins. I also wanna say to women who fell offended by the emails, lighten up! They’re funny! You guys, it was a meme of the first female referee and she was thinking, “Wait a minute, this isn’t my kitchen!” That was funny! Just laugh!

And now, to smooth everything over, I’d like to introduce out new mascot. We’ve made a lot of progress because now, we’re using white stereotypes. Please welcome Giuseppe, the stinky Italian.

[Giuseppe walks in with his mascot costume on]

Giuseppe: Ay! [speaks loudly in English with Italian accent] That’s right. We Italians make our meatballs and do the pizza. [being emotional] I am so sorry. This don’t feel right.

[Giuseppe walks out] [Colin Kaepernick walks in]

Colin Kaepernick: Speaking of not right, hah! I’m Colin Kaepernick. [cheers and applause] Well, so much stuff coming out about the NFL is maybe racist kind of. Hah! I wonder if anyone tried to warn people about this before! I’m scratching my head trying to remember who said that. Scratch, scratch! It’s almost like that’s the reason they banned me from the league.

[Mark Davis walks in]

Mark Davis: Ha-ha. I don’t know. Maybe it was just your weird haircut. [Colin Kaepernick looks at Mark Davis in anger.] But good news, I think we may have found a solution that makes everyone happy. Someone even Twitter can get behind. Introducing our new head coach, Lavar Burton.

[Lavar Burton walks in]

Lavar Burton: Alright. Thank you very much. Alright. Suck on that, Mayim Bialik. I am the supreme football host now. I’ll take offense for 300. What is a handoff? I’m genuinely asking. I’m a theater kid, you know.

Mark Davis: Ha-ha-ha. This guy. So yes, NFL is gonna be just fine. Take us out, Levar.

[music playing]

Lavar Burton: [singing] Field goal in the sky, 
I am the head coach guy
Just take a look
in the play book
we’re playing football

Mark Davis: We’re playing football

Colin Kaepernick: They’re not playing football

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.