PR… Cecily Strong
Roger Goodell… Colin Jost
Jon Gruden… James Austin Johnson
Mark Davis… Alex Moffat
Larry Rucker… Pete Davidson
Equipment Manager… Andrew Dismukes
Cheerleader… Heidi Gardner
Giuseppe… Kyle Mooney
Colin Kaepernick… Chris Redd
Lavar Burton… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with NFL show intro]
Male voice: And now, a message from the National Football League.
[Cut to PR at the podium of press conference.]
[cheers and applause]
PR: Good evening. Good evening. I am ‘prefers to remain anonymous’ and I handle public relations for the NFL. So, if anyone wants to switch jobs, let me know. Now, I’d like to bring up the commissioner to address this week’s scandal. This is not the NFL draft but it’s still okay to boo him. Roger Goodell.
[Roger Goodell walks in]
Roger Goodell: You don’t really have to boo. Good evening. Hi, I’m Roger Goodell and when you see me on TV, it’s never good. This time, one of our coaches is accused of racism, misogyny and homophobia. But hey, at least no one’s talking about concussions. I think we can all agree emails sent by the Raiders’ coach Jon Gruden were horrifying and deeply offensive, specially to me. I was referred to as the F word, the P word, the C word, the R word, the F’ing R word, and the F’ing R word P word. And once weirdly I was called a DILF. That was kind of sweet. But I assure you all 32 teams in our league understand that diversity is our strength. And I know our black coaches would agree. Both of them. Now coach Gruden has asked to say a few words. I said, “Bad idea.” But he got on his knees and begged and you know how much I hate seeing someone kneel. So, let’s hear it one more time for coach Gruden.
[Jon Gruden walks in]
Jon Gruden: Thank you, Roger. And I’m sorry to all the Raiders fans out there. I hope you won’t judge me on one email I sent 10 years ago, or the 20 emails I sent last Tuesday. But I promise I don’t have a racist bone in my body. When I called an African American player ‘darker than a night with no stars’, that wasn’t racial. I was referring to sense of humor which is extremely dark and edgy. Like that show ‘Louie’ on FX. Hey, when’s the next season coming out? Also called the commissioner gay F word like a hundred times. Yes.
Now, this sounds like a stretch, but if you’ve ever got burned by auto correct. Hear me out. So, I’m a bit of a naval buff and I often send my friends emails about frigates, which are warships. I’ll say, “Look at that flaming frigate!” That’s when a warship’s on fire. Or, “That dumb ass frigate can S my D.” That’s about a warship performing oral sex on another warship. You get it! My point is I never meant to hurt anyone. I meant to hurt them secretly behind their backs. But appearances matter. So, I’ll turn it over to a guy who’s all about appearances, Las Vegas Raiders owner, Mark Davis.
[Mark Davis walks in]
[cheers and applause]
Mark Davis: Hi, folks. Mark Davis here. Or as my players call me, the botched circumcision. Okay. Look, guys, what coach Gruden did was disgraceful. But we need to do better. Okay? we need to as I always tell my barber, air higher! [pointing at his haircut] And trust me, I’ve heard all the jokes about my hair and how it looks like Donald Trump’s haircut gave me a haircut. But we’re making this right and moving on. So, I’m gonna turn it over to our new head coach, Larry ‘don’t make me do this’ Rucker.
[Larry Rucker walks in]
[cheers and applause]
Larry Rucker: Hey, guys. Thank you. It is an honor to take over this storied franchise and a real shame that I have to immediately resign. They just found my emails too. And they are so much worse than the old coaches. I put the F word in the subject line. I started an email chain called, “Hey, let’s rank the racists.” And I responded to all of coach Gruden’s emails, “LOL, this is so true and funny! You the man, Gruden!”
Anyway, thank you and I look forward to joining ESPN in three months.
[Equipment Manager walks in]
Equipment Manager: Okay. Hi. Hi, everyone. I was the equipment manager five minutes ago, then someone just pushed me on stage and whispered, “You the coach now.” So, let me say this. Las Vegas will not tolerate misogyny of any kind. Never has, never will. I will vouch for the entire city on that. Also, I’m resigning immediately. I see reporters digging through my old tweets and that will not end well for me. I never should have dressed up as Jackie Chan for Halloween, but 2019 was a different era. Thank you and I’ll throw it over to the new chairman of Women’s Relations for the NFL, a cheerleader for the Washington football team.
[Cheerleader walks in]
Cheerleader: Whoo! Thank you. Thank you. I just like my team don’t have a name. And I just want to say the emails Jon Gruden sent to our organization do not reflect the values of our team. A team that until a year ago was called the Red Skins. I also wanna say to women who fell offended by the emails, lighten up! They’re funny! You guys, it was a meme of the first female referee and she was thinking, “Wait a minute, this isn’t my kitchen!” That was funny! Just laugh!
And now, to smooth everything over, I’d like to introduce out new mascot. We’ve made a lot of progress because now, we’re using white stereotypes. Please welcome Giuseppe, the stinky Italian.
[Giuseppe walks in with his mascot costume on]
Giuseppe: Ay! [speaks loudly in English with Italian accent] That’s right. We Italians make our meatballs and do the pizza. [being emotional] I am so sorry. This don’t feel right.
[Giuseppe walks out]
[Colin Kaepernick walks in]
Colin Kaepernick: Speaking of not right, hah! I’m Colin Kaepernick. [cheers and applause] Well, so much stuff coming out about the NFL is maybe racist kind of. Hah! I wonder if anyone tried to warn people about this before! I’m scratching my head trying to remember who said that. Scratch, scratch! It’s almost like that’s the reason they banned me from the league.
[Mark Davis walks in]
Mark Davis: Ha-ha. I don’t know. Maybe it was just your weird haircut. [Colin Kaepernick looks at Mark Davis in anger.] But good news, I think we may have found a solution that makes everyone happy. Someone even Twitter can get behind. Introducing our new head coach, Lavar Burton.
[Lavar Burton walks in]
Lavar Burton: Alright. Thank you very much. Alright. Suck on that, Mayim Bialik. I am the supreme football host now. I’ll take offense for 300. What is a handoff? I’m genuinely asking. I’m a theater kid, you know.
Mark Davis: Ha-ha-ha. This guy. So yes, NFL is gonna be just fine. Take us out, Levar.
Lavar Burton: [singing] Field goal in the sky,
I am the head coach guy
Just take a look
in the play book
we’re playing football
Mark Davis: We’re playing football
Colin Kaepernick: They’re not playing football
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.