Santa Claus… Bobby Moynihan
Elves… Kenan Thompson, Venessa Bayer, Ryan Gosling
Aidy Bryant[Starts with a book “Santa and his Magical Elves”.]
Male voice: With only a fortnight left till Christmas, Santa’s elves were hard at work making toys for children all over the world. Or were they?[Cut to Santa Claus walking in the workshop]
Santa Claus: Ding dong ding, with a little ding dong. Ho-ho-ho. Time to see how the Christmas toys are coming along. [looks at the table] Oh, what on earth? This chu-chu has no wheels. And this dolly needs a head. Elves, up here.[The elves appear on the table]
Kenan: Santa, you beckoned us.
Venessa: Is there something we can do for you?
Ryan: It sounded urgent, so we came right away, sir.
Santa Claus: These toys are not complete. These toys are not complete and we are on a tight schedule.[Cut to the elves]
Kenan: Oh, no! We are so sorry.
Venessa: Oh, we let you down big time.
Ryan: We totally goofed.[Cut to Santa Claus]
Santa Claus: You certainly did. I’m so disappointed.[Cut to the elves]
Kenan: Yeah. So, I guess you gotta like, show us who’s the boss now. Right? Right, Santa? Like, show us who’s in charge?
Venessa: Yeah, um, otherwise how will we ever learn?
Ryan: Me, I learn through discipline.[Cut to Santa Claus]
Santa Claus: Whatever do you mean![Cut to the elves]
Venessa: I don’t know. Some kind of punishment.
Kenan: It could be bodily, like, something with my body.
Ryan: We have very few limits. Wink wink. Wiggle wiggle.[Cut to everybody]
Santa Claus: I don’t even know what you silly elves are talking about. I will be back at first day light and I expect this table to be filled with toys, understand?
Venessa: Yes, Santa.
Kenan: Yes sir.
Ryan: You got it.[Santa Claus leaves the workshop] [The night pass and it’s morning. The roosters are cuckooing.] [Cut to the workshop. The table is empty and the elves are just sitting. Santa Claus walks in.]
Santa Claus: Good morning elves. How are the toys co– What? You haven’t done a thing.
Kenan: I know. [Cut to the elves] We are so bad. I guess it’s time to teach us our lesson.[Cut to Santa Claus]
Santa Claus: What?[Cut to the elves]
Venessa: We deserve it. We’re not fit to lick your boot.
Ryan: But we’ll do it… if you force us to.[Cut to Santa Claus]
Santa Claus: Alright. Oh![Cut to the elves]
Kenan: Oh, are you fed up, Santa? Well, I get it. If I were you, I would just pull down my little green pants and go to town on me.
Venessa: Yeah, maybe then we’d stop making mistakes.
Ryan: Speaking of mistakes, [Ryan throws away a bottle on purpose.] I just dropped a gumdrop. Whoops! Better go get it. [Ryan leans showing Santa Claus his butt to hit on.]
Santa Claus: Ooh! You see anything you like, Santa? Maybe you need to take charge of that.[Cut to Santa Claus]
Santa Claus: Hmm, you elves are skating on think ice.[Cut to the elves]
Venessa: Oh, yeah. Santa’s getting hot now. Why don’t you unzip your big red suit and walk around in just your boots?
Ryan: Stop around and let your hairy belly bounce all over the place?
Kenan: Yeah, and then there would be no question who would be in charge. Right? Good old Saint dick– Nick! Sorry![Cut to Santa Claus]
Santa Claus: Can you please just make some toys?[Cut to the elves]
Venessa: Oh, look at what I found, Santa. A candle.
Kenan: Is this to drop wax on our privates with?
Ryan: You better put jingle bells in our mouths… coz we’re screamers!
Venessa: Yeah. And when you’re done, you can snow all over us.
Santa Claus: Okay! Enough! [Cut to everybody] Guys, guys! Enough. Come on, now! Give me a break. 3000 years ago, sure, I would have totally turn into all of you. But look, I am not that guy anymore. And after you wake up in a bunch of weird beds with people you don’t even remember meeting, you start to want something more. And that is when I really became Santa.[Cut to the elves]
Kenan: Does this mean you’re not gonna do anything?[Cut to Santa Claus. Aidy walks in]
Aidy: Oh, he’ll do something, but only with me. Right, big guy?
Santa Claus: You heard her. She is the real boss around here.[Cut to the elves]
Venessa: That’s very sweet.
Ryan: Yeah, thanks for sharing that with us.
Kenan: I think I needed to hear that.[Cut to everyone]
Santa Claus: Now, alright you guys. Finish your toys and then pack up your elf junk. You’re all fired! Take care.
Ryan: Oh man!
Venessa: Oh man! Come on.[Santa Claus and Aidy walk away] [The End]