Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat
Alan Alda, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood… Bill Hader
Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow, Jodie Foster… Kate McKinnon
Wesley Snipes, Jaleel White… Chris Redd
Roseanne Barr… Aidy Bryant
Gwen Stefoni… Melissa Villaseñor
Joey Lawrence… Kyle Mooney
Drew Barrymore… Heidi Gardner
Pee Wee Herman… Mikey Day
Whoopi Golberg… Leslie Jones
Adam Sandler… Pete Davidson
Sinbad, OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson
Eddie Vedder… Luke Null
[starts with video clips from the Jurassic Park]
Male voice: 25 years ago, Steven Spielberg opened the door to Jurassic Park. And inside those doors, spoiler alert, were dinosaurs. Now, as part of the 25th anniversary rerelease, you can watch the original 1992 screen test.
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Hugh Grant for Dr. Alan Grant.
Hugh Grant: [speaking fast] Yes. Hate to be a bother but if you look behind you, there’s a bit of a T-Rex. And I thought perhaps we should move faster? To escape? It’s a rather large teeth.
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Alon Alda for Muldoon.
Alon Alda: [acting like he’s holding a gun] Clever girl. When dinosaur comes out and attacks me? Oh, you guys, that is great. That is just terrific. And how you guys gonna shoot the dinosaurs? Is it gonna be forced perspective? You know, that’s how we shot Jamie Farr on “Mash.” Yeah, I know. He’s only about two feet tall.
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Ellen DeGeneres for Dr. Sattler.
Ellen DeGeneres: Alright, wow. That’s a gigantic pile of dino poop. I’ve had stools on stage before but this is ridiculous. I’m just kidding. I’m 90’s Ellen.
[Cut to Wesley Snipes]
Wesley Snipes: Hey, I’m telling y’all. Spend your money. Alright? IRS can’t take it if it’s already spent. Can’t take something already gone. That’s a tax loophole for you, brother.
Director: Wesley.
Wesley Snipes: Huh?
Director: Could we get the line?
Wesley Snipes: Oh, yeah. Bingo, dino DNA. Now, if y’all want my accountant’s number it’s 1900–
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Roseanne Barr for John Hammond.
Roseanne Barr: Welcome to Jurassic Park.
Director: Nope.
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Adam Sandler for Muldoon.
Adam Sandler: Alright. Thank you.
[singing in squeaky voice] turkey lurkey doo and turkey lurkey dee
I like the T-Rex, does T-Rex like me?
[screaming] Just shut up!
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Whoopi Golberg as Dr. Sattler.
Whoopi Goldberg: Well, let’s talk about it. Coz the last thing I need right now is dinosaurs. And then, I’ll get he dinosaur look like [making face]
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Pee Wee Herman.
Pee Wee Herman: Ha-ha. Uh-uh-uh! You didn’t say the magic word. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha.
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Drew Barrymore for Dr. Sattler.
Drew Barrymore: [in shaky voice] There are brontosauruses and brachiosauruses and apatosauruses. But I have to wonder, are we playing god?.
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Joey Lawrence from Blossom.
Director: Okay, react to seeing a dinosaur for the first time.
Joey Lawrence: Whoa!
Director: Alright. Wanna try anything else?
Joey Lawrence: No!
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Gwen Stefoni as the teenage girl.
Gwen Stefoni: I’m just a girl. Don’t need me, big dinosaur.
Director: Can we get a frighten scream?
Gwen Stefoni: [in girly way] Oooh!
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Sinbad.
[Sinbad is there with a mic doing standup.]
Sinbad: Now, y’all know that my wife is a triceratops, right? Yeah. I wait downstairs while she tries on several touch. How y’all doing? Y’all good?
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Al Pacino.
Al Pacino: Welcome to Jurassic Park, you dumb [bleep].
Director: Hey, Al Pacino, this movie is supposed to be PG.
Al Pacino: PG? That’s gonna be a [bleep] nightmare for this guy. No, no, no, no, no, no. Alright, which dinosaur do I buy the cocaine from?
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Lisa Kudrow.
Lisa Kudrow: Well, there’s T-Rex. And must- must move faster. Must move faster. Oh, no. Oh, no. Must move faster.
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Jaleel White.
Director: Okay, so you just let all the dinosaurs loose on the island.
Jaleel White: Did I do that? I got bitches in my trailer. I gotta go, man.
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Eddie Vedder for the soundtrack.
Eddie Vedder: [singing] Raptors are opening, opening the door. Daddy!
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Jodie Foster as Mr. DNA.
Jodie Foster: [whispering] Sometimes a mosquito would get caught in the sap. It was so sticky. So sticky.
Director: Could you try it a little happier?
Jodie Foster: [whispering] That’s the happiest I’ve ever been. Today is my birthday.
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: OJ Simpson.
OJ Simpson: Okay. So, if I did let the dinosaurs out, let me tell you how I would have done it. Hypothetically. Man, 1992. Phew. It is good to be OJ right now. Ain’t nothing gonna slow this train down. Go, OJ, Go.
[Cut to clapperboard]
Operator: Clin Eastwood. Take one.
Clint Eastwood: Welcome to Jurassic Park. [he has think long fake dinosaur tail]
[Cut to Jurassic Park video bumper]
Male voice: The 25th anniversary , Jurassic Park.