Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Hamm & Buble

…..Jon Hamm
…..Michael Buble

[ open on stock restaurant close-ups footage ]

[ dissolve to itnerior, restaurant, as a couple enters and passes Michael Buble, who begins to sing ]

Michael Buble:
“Tonight’s the night, making it right
A perfect meal for you and I.”

[ Jon Hamm enters frame and addresses the camera ]

Jon Hamm: Good evening, I’m Jon Hamm. If you’re looking for a romantic night out at a restaurant that spcializes in pork dishes and fine champagne — look no further than Hamm & Buble (pronounced: Bubbly).

Michael Buble:
That’s actually pronounced Buble.

Jon Hamm: Well, Buble doesn’t work, so now it’s pronounced Bubbly!

[ Hamm smiles at the camera ]

Jon Hamm: If you enjoy a cozy atmosphere, excellent service, and healthy servings of pig meat accompanied by sparkling wines — you’ll love Hamm & Buble! [ to Buble, through clenched teeth: ] Now, SING!

Michael Buble: [ singing ]
“So, grab your fork, and pop the cork
It’s time for your mouth to celebrate.”

Jon Hamm: Take your pick from one of our delicious menu options, like the Hamm-Buble: a 12-pound, champagne-glazed Smithfield Ham. Perfect for lovers.

[ show waiter placing the large ham on a couple’s table ]

Jon Hamm: Or the Buble-Hamm: a champagne inspired by elegance and purity, filled with floating chunks of pork. That’s letting you know you’re drinking something special!

[ he holds up two glasses of the sparkling ham liquid ]

Jon Hamm: Let me drop these off!

[ Hamm exits with the glasses ]

Michael Buble: [ singing ]
“I know what you’re thinking, and I agree
This is a bad idea for a restaurant.

Oh no, he’s coming back. When I get a chance
I’ll explain how… it came to this.”

[ Hamm re-appears, and continues his pitch ]

Jon Hamm: And, if you like entertainment with your meal… you’re in luck! Every night at Hamm & Buble, Mr. Michael Buble will perform two shows: The 8 PM show, Michael is a ventriloquist; at 11 PM, he does a one-man show about William Faulkner.

Michael Buble: Don’t you just think it would be better if I sang in the shows?

[ Hamm gives Buble the evil eye ]

[ a bell dings ]

Jon Hamm: [ to the camera ] Excuse me! That sound means another delicious ham is ready!

[ Hamm exits ]

Michael Buble: [ singing, up-tempo ]
“I was at a party. Jon Hamm came up to me
I could tell right away he was pretty drunk.

He pushed me in the corner, asked me, “Do you like money?
‘Cause I have an idea that’ll make a fortune.”

I thought he was joking, so I started to laugh.
His eyes went black and he slapped my face.”

[ Hamm re-appears carrying a tray of ham and champagne, stopping to eye a nervous Buble closely ]

Michael Buble: [ changing his tune ]
“Delicious ham, refreshing champagne
Oh, what a wonderful restaurant.”

[ Hamm continues on ]

Michael Buble: [ singing with a whisper ]
“He’s holding me captive. He took my cell phone.
I haven’t seen sunlight, oh for days.

So, please call the police, before it’s too late.
I have a feeling he’s standing right behind me.”

[ reveal Hamm standing behind Buble, unpleased ]

Jon Hamm: Is there a problem, Michael?

Michael Buble: [ singing nervously ]
“N-no problem at all. So glad to be here.
This night is like a dream come true for me.

La la la da la. La la da la la…”

Jon Hamm: [ sternly ] You are on the thinnest of ice.

[ Buble lowers his head in fear, as Hamm smiles at the camera ]

Jon Hamm: So stop by by Hamm & Buble! If you can find a better place for pork and champagne… keep it to yourself!

[ Hamm grabs Bble by the shoulder ]

[ cut to exterior, restaurant ]

Announcer: Hamm & Buble. Because Hamm needs pork, and Buble needs champagne.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Goodnights

…..Jon Hamm

Jon Hamm: Thanks to Michael Buble! Sharon Jones! The best cast on the planet! The best crew on the planet! Lorne Michaels! Thank you for coming! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Game Time with Randy and Greg

Randy Dukes…..Kenan Thompson
Greg…..Bill Hader
Frank Rack…..Jon Hamm
Greg Clones…..Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Bryan Tucker, Michael Patrick O’Brien

[ title card ]

[ dissolve to sports talk show set, featuring a jovial Randy seated next to a near-catatonic Greg ]

Randy Dukes: Hello, and welcome to another edition of “Game Time with Randy and Greg”, your one-stop shop for sports talk! I’m former NFL running back Randy Dukes… and, with me, as always, is my co-host Greg — [ quickly ] Greg is not an alien! And, today, we’re gonna be talking about — what else?: The Super Bowl.

Greg: SU-PER BOWWWWWWLL!! AH HA-HAAAAAA!!

Randy Dukes: Okay! First caller is Rick from Passaic. What’s on your mind today?

Caller #1: Yeah, I just wanted to say that that Colts game was amazing! I told all my friends that Peyton Manning would bide his time, and then taken them down!

Randy Dukes: [ laughing ] You’re the man, Rick!

Greg: YOU’RE THE MAAAAAAAAAAAAANN… RICK!!

Caller #1: Also, I’m a first time caller, so, I don’t know if anyone has ever mentioned it, but… that guy, Greg, is an alien, right? Like, from outer space?

Randy Dukes: No. Greg is NOT an alien!

[ Greg emits a high-piercing shriek ]

Caller #1: Nah, he is. And, look, if you want to hide it so bad, Why don’t you just give him eyebrows?

Randy Dukes: Look, we tried! I-I mean… Never mind! Uh — let’s just hold all further calls and, uh, move on to our guest: Indianapolis quarterback coach Frank Rack. Greg had a chance to catch up with Frank after the Colts’ win on Sunday. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to videotaped interview between Greg and Rack ]

Frank Rack: Yeah, well, Greg — Peyton got some real clear head there in the game. I was real proud of him, but, uh, we can’t really rest on our laurels. In a couple of weeks, we’re gonna have to face some real, tough —

[ suddenly, Greg lunges at Rack, and the video feed is lost ]

Randy Dukes: Well — well, that was bad. Uh — let’s welcome to the show, quarterback coach Frank Rack.

[ cut to Greg with a now-doppleganger Rack seated next to him ]

Randy Dukes: Oh, boy… alright, uh, let’s take a call. Tommy from Canarsie, what’s your question for Coach Rack?

Caller #2: Yeah, hey — uh, yeah — I had a question for him, but, uh, it looks like Greg transformed him into an alien.

Randy Dukes: [ shaking his head ] Look — Greg is NOT an alien! Alright? And neither is Coach Rack!

Caller #2: Then, why do they both have tails?

[ Greg and Rack chant “Greg! Greg!” as their tails sway back and forth behind their chairs ]

Randy Dukes: STOP IT!! [ he chuckles nervously ] We’re talking about football! This is, uh — this is a sports show, okay? Next caller, uh — Pete from Livingston!

Caller #3: Hey!

Randy Dukes: Hey!

Caller #3: Greg’s an alien!

Randy Dukes: GODDAMMIT!!

Caller #3: Also, I say there’s no way The Saints can stop Peyton Manning. What do the Gregs think?

[ cut to Greg and Rack studying a desk globe ]

Caller #3: Ohhhh, that’s not good. They’re talking about doing stuff to the Earth! That’s classic alien!

Randy Dukes: [ flustered as hell ] GREG IS NOT AN ALIEN!!! And they’re not gonna do ANYTHING to the Earth! See? Watch this! [ he pulls the globe away from Greg and Rack, as they shriek ] Oh, no! Shh!! Shh!! Here! Okay! Okay, take it back! [ he returns the globe ]

Caller #3: Anyway, I love this show — but it’s Colts all the way, baby! Oh, and, uh, by the way — there’s four Gregs now.

[ reveal Greg, Rack, and two more clones standing behind them ]

Randy Dukes: Oh, come on!!

Greg and Clones: YOU’RE THE MAAAAAANNNNNN… RICK!!!! HAW-HAAAWWWWW!!!

Caller #3: Oh, I see what’s happening: They figured out how to multiply!

Randy Dukes: Huh? Okay, w-w-w-we’re talking Colts vs. Saints, okay? And — and — no one’s multiplying!

Caller #3: There’s eight now.

[ reveal Greg, Rack, and six more clones standing behind them, all chanting “Greg!” ]

Randy Dukes: [ weeping ] Okay, well… that’s the show. So, to recap: Super Bowl fever… Colts vs. Saints… who’s gonna win…?

[ suddenly, Greg jumps up from below frame and shrieks at the camera ]

[ the video feed is lost once more ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Closet Organizer

Housewife…..Kristen Wiig
Closet Organizer…..Will Forte
Testimonial…..Jon Hamm

[ open on black-and-white footage of a hall closet ]

[ SUPER: “DRAMATIZATION” ]

Announcer: Has this happened to you?!

[ Housewife walks up to closet, opens the doors, the contents spill to the floor ]

Announcer: Is your closet an absolute mess?! Are you way too STPUID to keep your closet clean?!

Housewife: [ offended ] Hey!

Announcer: Introducing the ZipCo Closet Organizer!

[ the closet opens to reveal itself as clutter-free, but with a man dressed in blue spandex. As objects are thrown at him, he swats them in different corners of the closet. ]

Announcer: Great for SHOES! SWEATERS! BELTS! HATS! PARKAS! JEANS! UNDERWEAR!

[ the Closet Organizer pockets the panties ]

Announcer: SOCKS! SCARVES! DOCKERS! WATER!

[ water is splashed on the Closet Organizer ]

Announcer: BLANKETS! LAMPS! TROPHIES! MARBLES PHONE BOOKS! ADDITIONAL WATER!

[ more water is splashed on the Closet Organizer ]

Announcer: LOOSE PEANUT BUTTER! PIE! PIE!! PIE!!! PIE!!!

Listen to this testimonial!

[ cut to Man giving testimonial ]

Man: I got so laid last night! I was at this club, and I went up to this really hot Black girl, and I was, like, “Hey — anybody ever tell you you look exactly like Beyonce?” And then I went in for the liss, and I noticed she had, like, a full man’s mosutache? And I was, like… “Let’s do this thing.”

[ cut back to the Closet Organizer ]

Announcer: It’s so simple to use! All it needs is two meals a day and a little bucket to do his business in!

[ more objects are thrown at the Closet Organizer, as he swats them in different corners of the closet. ]

Announcer: PILLOWS! TIRES! IMPORTANT PAPERS! GLASSWARE! ANIMAL FEATHERS! DIRT! AND CHEESE!

[ cut to Housewife ]

Housewife: A clean closet is just a phone call away!

[ cut to product card ]

Announcer: The ZipCo Closet Organizer! Available at Bergor Goodman and the gift shop at the Vatican! Order one today!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

New Senator

Harry Reid…..Will Forte
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Robert Byrd…..Bill Hader
Barbara Boxer…..Nasim Pedrad
Barney Frank…..Fred Armisen
Scott Brown…..Jon Hamm

[ open on Sen. Harry Reid’s office ]

Sen. Harry Reid: Thank you all for coming. As you know, this election in Massachusetts has really thrown a monkey wrench into our plans for health care reform, which is a shame because, before the Massachusetts election, us Democrats were really getting things done.

[ everyone agrees ]

Sen. Harry Reid: Now, the Democratic party needs to adjust its legislative agenda. That’s why I’ve invited our senior party leadership here today: Speaker Pelosi… [ she grins ] Senator Robert Byrd…

Sen. Robert Byrd: [ dazed ] Huh?

Sen. Harry Reid: Senator Barbara Boxer… [ she nods ] and Congressman Barney Frank.

Barney Frank: This meeting is long overdue!

Sen. Harry Reid: Look, we’re in crisis mode and, thanks to this Scott Brown fellow, we’ve lost our supermajority.

Nancy Pelosi: It’s hard to believe this one guy could jeopardize our entire legislative agenda.

Barney: Some pretty boy who drives a truck and showed his hiney in “Cosmo”?

Sen. Robert Byrd: Everyone is acting like he’s the second coming of Douglas Fairbanks!

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Frankly, I don’t see what the appeal is.

[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room ]

Scott Brown: Hello?

Sen. Harry Reid: May I help you?

Scott Brown: Yeah. Sorry. Uh, I must have the wrong office. [ he laughs ] I’m still getting used to the lay of the land, here. I’m new!

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Wait a second, are you — ?

Scott Brown: Senator Scott Brown. But, uh — [ he smiles ] you can call me “Scott”. [ he winks at the camera, then exits ]

Sen. Barbara Boxer: I will. Scott.

Sen. Harry Reid: All right, uh, let’s get back to health care. Now, if we’re going to get this bill passed in the next six months —

[ Boxer begins to indulge in a fantasy of Scott Brown dressed as a topless doctor ]

Scott Brown: Oh, hi, Barbara. How’s your health care plan going? You know, I’m against the public option but I can offer you a pubic option. Because I just found a lump… in my underpants.

Sen. Barbara Boxer: [ seductively ] I think I’d better take a look at that!

Sen. Harry Reid: Uh, Senator Boxer? Senator Boxer, are you listening?

Sen. Barbara Boxer: [ coming to ] Yes. Sorry, Senator.

Nancy Pelosi: All right, all right. Let’s get serious, folks. We can’t let Scott Brown derail our agenda.

[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room again ]

Scott Brown: Oh, sorry, uh — whoops! Wrong door again. Sorry. I was looking for the bathroom.

Nancy Pelosi: Down the hall, to the right.

Scott Brown: Oh! Thanks, Speaker Pelosi. And, let me just say, I’m looking forward to working… closely with you. [ he winks at the camera, then exits ]

Nancy Pelosi: [ curious ] Closely?

Sen. Harry Reid: Okay, let’s talk economy. With this new spending freeze, job creation is going to be harder than ever —

[ Pelosi begins to indulge in a fantasy of Scott Brown dressed in chaps ]

Scott Brown: Hey there, Nancy, you’re the Speaker of the House? [ Pelosi nods, smiling ] Well, I hope you’re a screamer in the bedroom. [ Pelosi nods, smiling ] I want to introduce something to the floor — it’s called… your panties.

Nancy Pelosi: Oohh! Mama like!

Sen. Harry Reid: Speaker Pelosi!

Nancy Pelosi: [ dazed ] What?

Barney Frank: Did you just say “Mama like”?

Nancy Pelosi: No. I said, uh… “Obama-like.” I like Obama… because… he’s Hawaiian.

Sen. Harry Reid: Why is everyone so distracted today?

[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room again ]

Scott Brown: Oh, what? No way! This office again? I’m sorry. This building is like a maze! I was looking for the cafeteria.

Barney Frank: Second floor!

Scott Brown: Thanks, Barney! And, I just want to say, if we’re going to effect real change in his country, we have to put partisan politics behind us and be open-minded.Trust me, I am open to anything. [ he winks twice at the camera, then exits ]

[ Barney Frank begins to salivate ]

Sen. Harry Reid: All right. Now, we need to —

Barney Frank: Shut up, shut up, shut up! I’m trying to imagine something, hold on!

[ Barney Frank begins to indulge in a fantasy of Scott Brown dressed as a construction worker ]

Scott Brown: Hey, Barney! You worried about a filibuster? Because I’m about to “filibust” out of these jean shorts!

[ Barney Frank extends his fingers to pinch fantasy Scott Brown’s butt ]

Barney Frank: Come here, you! [ he giggles ]

Sen. Harry Reid: Congressman! What are you doing?!

Barney Frank: [ regaining his composure ] Nothing.

[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room again ]

Scott Brown: Oh, wow! Sorry. Can you believe this? First day on the job, and I spill chili all over my shirt.

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Oh, you’d better take off your shirt.

Nancy Pelosi: Take mine! [ she begins to unbutton her shirt ]

Sen. Robert Byrd: All right, enough! Enough! Let’s see what all the fuss is about. [ he puts his glasses on ]

[ Scott Brown winks twice at Byrd and shoots a finger-pistol ]

[ Byrd begins to indulge in a fantasy of a black-and-white Scott Brown dressed as a 1920’s flapper ]

Sen. Robert Byrd: My word! I do believe I’m having a revelry!

Sen. Harry Reid: All right, all right! That’s enough! We are representatives of the United States of America! Now, are we going to focus on running this country, or are we going to waste our time thinking about Scott Brown?

Everyone: We’re going to think about Scott Brown!

[ they all stand up to dance ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

American Enterprise

William Barnes…..Jon Hamm
G. Clifford Noble…..Bill Hader

Male Announcer: You’re watching CNBC. The “C” stands for the “C” word. Up next: it’s “American Enterprise, chronicling the history of great American businesses.

[ dissolve to show graphics ]

Female Announcer: This week, we look at the success story of American entrepreneurs Barnes & Noble. This great American company was founded in New York City by William Barnes and G. Clifford Noble, two men with a simple dream.

[ dissolve to William Barnes reading in a leather chair, as G. Clifford Noble steps forward ]

G. Clifford Noble: Hello, Barnes.

William Barnes: [ stands to shake Noble’s hand ] Hello, my dear Noble!

[ SUPER: “Historical Reenactment, New York City, 1917” ]

G. Clifford Noble: Barnes… I’ve been thinking that this city is lacking… something.

William Barnes: I’ve been thinking the same thing.

G. Clifford Noble: There are places where you can buy grain…

William Barnes: And places where you can buy grog…

G. Clifford Noble: But we need a place that serves a community!

William Barnes: And enriches the soul!

G. Clifford Noble: Yes! My dear Barnes, we need to build a place… where homeless people can go to the bathroom!

William Barnes: That’s exactly what I was thinking!

G. Clifford Noble: A huge building with an unlocked bathroom, where homeless people can drop their pants and just GO TO TOWN!

William Barnes: Where they won’t have to ask or buy anything — they can just GO!

G. Clifford Noble: Yes. And regular people can go to the bathroom there, too.

William Barnes: Yes, yes — if they’re desperate! If they’ve been walking around all day drinking coffee and they aggressively have to go to the bathroom!

G. Clifford Noble: Indeed. Noble, my friend, this is a capitol idea!

[ they shake on it ]

[ dissolve to sketches of the first Barnes & Noble Homeless Bathroom building ]

Female Announcer: And, so, the first Barnes & Noble opened in 1917. It was a rousing success. In order to pay for the massive daily clean-up, however, Barnes & Noble needed to sell a product — [ quickly ] and they chose books!

[ dissolve to show graphics ]

Female Announcer: Thank you for joining us on this episode of “American Enterprise”. For CNBC, this whole time, I’ve been Madonna. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Bar

Tarkey Fensington…..Will Forte
Bartender…..Bobby Moynihan
Resdin Bonure…..Jon Hamm

[ open on interior, bar ]

Tarkey Fensington: A gin and tonic, please.

Bartender: Gin and tonic, on the way.

Resdin Bonure: [ holding up his glass ] Gin and tonic. A hell of a drink.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. I’m not gay.

Resdin Bonure: [ stunned ] I’m not either, bro.

Tarkey Fensington: Oh.

Resdin Bonure: Cheers.

Tarkey Fensington: Sorry.

[ they toast their glasses ]

Tarkey Fensington: It’s been a long day.

Resdin Bonure: None taken.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. I, uh, I didn’t say “No offense.”

Resdin Bonure: [ nodding ] None taken.

[ they sip their drinks quietly ]

Resdin Bonure: You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

Tarkey Fensington: No. Probably not.

Resdin Bonure: Where did you go to high school?

Tarkey Fensington: Salt Lake City. Pleasant Valley Beavers?

Resdin Bonure: No. I’m from Israel. Jerusalem Tigers.

Tarkey Fensington: I guess not, then.

Resdin Bonure: No, I-I-I know you from somewhere! Are you on TV?

Tarkey Fensington: No, I’m on a bar stool.

Resdin Bonure: That’s a really good joke! [ laughing ] So, seriously — how do I know you? [ it suddenly hits him ] Wait a second… You’re the freakin’ CLOSET ORGANIZER guy, aren’t you? Oh, my God! That’s you, right! From the commercial! The blue suit!

Tarkey Fensington: [ somewhat ashamed ] That’s me…

Resdin Bonure: [ impressed ] Your hair kind of threw me!

Tarkey Fensington: I’m not wearing the hat…

Resdin Bonure: I can’t believe I’m talking to the Closet Organizer guy!

Tarkey Fensington: I — I have a name.

Resdin Bonure: Oh! I’m sorry. Uh —

Tarkey Fensington: Tarkey. Tarket Fensington.

[ they shake hands ]

Resdin Bonure: Tarkey. I’m… Resdin Bonure. It’s a real honor. A real honor. I know you probably get this all the time, but, uh — [ he motions his hands, afraid to ask ] Could you do a little of it for me?

Tarkey Fensington: I don’t know, I —

Resdin Bonure: Oh, come on. Please?

Tarkey Fensington: Fine.

[ he mimes catching stray objects and tossing then further into the closet ]

Resdin Bonure: [ laughing ] Socks! Marbles! Pies, pies, pies!! That’s so awesome! How about that? Thank you! Oh, man… Hey! You wanna head over to my place, maybe we can watch “The Office” or something?

Tarkey Fensington: I don’t know…

Resdin Bonure: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun. We can order a pizza, drink some beer — it’ll be fun.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah, okay… maybe.

Resdin Bonure: You know — we could play some video games, you know — maybe after, we could, uh.. [ quietly ] organize my closet.

Tarkey Fensington: [ fuming ] There it is! Thanks, Resdin.

Resdin Bonure: What?

Tarkey Fensington: I’m not gonna help you organize your closet! Okay?

Resdin Bonure: Hey — whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m just joking.

Tarkey Fensington: Well, it wasn’t funny!

Resdin Bonure: I’m sorry.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah! You are sorry! You don’t know what it’s like to be ME, okay?! Every time somebody tries to buy you a drink, or wants to be your friend, or wants to make love to you… you have to ask yourself, “Are they doing this because you’re Tarkey Fensington?” Or because you’re… [ miming his commercial ] “Pies! Socks! Marbles!”

Resdin Bonure: [ embarrassed ] I-I-I-I had no idea…

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. No, you didn’t. [ he leaves his tip on the bar ] Goodbye Resdin. I hope you die tonight

[ he exits the bar ]

Bartender: Heyyyy! Was that the Closet Organizer guy?

Resdin Bonure: No, that was Tark — [ can’t remember his exact name ] Yeah, that was the Closet Organizer.

Bartender: Yeah. Nice.

[ the Bartender continues to wipe the counter ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 30th, 2010

Jon Hamm

Michael Buble

None

Sharon Jones

Bryan Tucker

Michael Patrick O’Brien


State of the Union 2010Summary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) enjoys standing ovations from his fellow Democrats while delivering his State of the Union Address.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joseph Biden, Nancy Pelosi.

Transcript

Montage

Jon Hamm’s MonologueSummary: Jon Hamm’s pre-“Mad Men” filmography featured his Don Draper character on a teen comedy, QVC, and “Def Comedy Jam”.

Transcript

1920’s PartySummary: In 1928 New York City, Lilia (Kristen Wiig) tries to hold herself back from singing at her own birthday party.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A homeless Indian (Fred Armisen) puts “The Curse” of Sergio (Jon Hamm) upon a businessman (Andy Samberg) who carelessly steps on his sacred talisman.

Transcript

New SenatorSummary: Sen. Harry Reid (Will Forte) tries to outline a serious political strategy while Barbara Boxer (Nasim Pedrad), Nancy Pelosi (Kristen Wiig), Barney Frank (Fred Armisen), and Robert Byrd (Bill Hader) fantasize about Republican senator Scott Brown (Jon Hamm).

Recurring Characters: Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Barney Frank, Robert Byrd.

Transcript

Michael Buble performs “Haven’t Met You Yet”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Sonia Sotomayor (Nasim Pedrad). Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (Bobby Moynihan).

Recurring Characters: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Mike “The Situation”.

Game Time with Randy and GregSummary: Randy Dukes (Kenan Thompson) insists that co-host Greg (Bill Hader) is not an alien, even as he spawns multiple Greg clones (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Bryan Tucker, Michael Patrick O’Brien).

Recurring Characters: Randy Dukes, Greg.

Transcript

Hamm & BubleSummary: Jon Hamm has forced Michael Buble to mispronounce his own name and partner with him in a vanity ham and champagne restaurant venture.

Transcript

Closet OrganizerSummary: Throw all of your loose closet items at the Closet Organizer guy (Will Forte) and he’ll keep your closet straight for you.

Transcript

StenographerSummary: Stenopgrapher Linda Naig (Fred Armisen) insists on being disruptive and looking for her crackers in the middle of an important trial.

Michael Buble and Sharon Jones perform “Baby (You’ve Got What It Takes)”

BarSummary: Resdin Bonure (Jon Hamm) meets the Closet Organizer guy, Tarkey Fensington (Will Forte) in a bar.

Transcript

American EnterpriseSummary: William Barnes (Bill Hader) and G. Clifford Noble (Jon Hamm) decide to start a business so that homeless people will have a place to go to the bathroom.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Who’s the Host?Summary: Game show contestants must guess who the host is in order to win big prizes.

Mel Gibson TrailerSummary: Coming soon: Another generic Mel Gibson film!

Apple iPadSummary: Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces a new iPad feature that lets users e-mail animal sounds to one another.

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Sigourney Weaver: 01/16/10: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

An SNL Digital Short

…..James Cameron
…..Lorne Michaels
Spaceship…..Andy Samberg
Nitro…..Bill Hader
Chief…..Fred Armisen
Ellen Ripley…..Sigourney Weaver
Conductor…..Jason Sudeikis

FADE IN:

INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT

[JAMES CAMERON ENTERS. LORNE MICHAELS is seated at his desk.]

James Cameron: Thanks Lorne for meeting with me. I really appreciate it.

Lorne Michaels: James, no problem. Congratulations on Avatar. There were sections of it that remind me of “Three Amigos”.

James Cameron: You picked up on that. That’s great! I’m going to cut to the chase – I got my next project ready to go and I think it’s going to be perfect for the show.

Lorne Michaels: If you’re behind it, I’ll put it on the air.

James Cameron: Great! Guys?

BILL HADER and ANDY SAMBERG burst into the office with a television and VCR on a small cart.

Both: Hi!!

Lorne Michaels: Oh fuck!

[CUT TO: MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE ON TELEVISON OF “LASER CATS” WITH CATS FLYING AND THE PLANET EARTH.]

Bill Hader (V/O): In the future, there was a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of…?

[The planet Earth explodes in large bursts of fire.]

[MUSIC: THEME FROM TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY]

SUPER: JAMES CAMERON’S LASER CATS 5

INT. NBC COMMISSARY – DAY

[A WAITRESS in a futuristic (all tin foil) cap wipes the counter. Nitro and Spaceship are seated with their “laser cats”, (i.e. plush toy cats), on the counter.]

Spaceship: Cheers, kemosabe.

[Both “drink” digital beer from their iPhones. Andy throws his “can” at the trash bin. REVEAL his throw to a mismatched iPhones to an aluminum trash can.]

Nitro: Whoa, kemosabe! Don’t you care about the environment?

Spaceship: Negativo. What’s the environment done for me?

[Nitro “types” on his futuristic communicator, a large, weight belt strapped diagonally around his chest, reading NITRO.]

Nitro: Oh, geez. We’re getting a video call from our science chief.

[Nitro puts on a pair of oversize sunglasses.]

[THE CHIEF, dressed in a white, oversized bellhop’s uniform, stands with a “laser kitten/laser pointer”.]

Chief: Admiral here. Spaceship, Nitro — I’m sending you back in time to the year 3023. Your mission – destroy the hive where the laser cats were born. Stop laser cats from ever existing.

Both: Bad-ical!!

[Both “charge” their laser cats.]

INT. ENGINEER ROOM

Chief: Godspeed boys.

[Chief types on an iTech pre-schoolers learning device. Andy and Nitro stand on separate platforms as large bursts of smoke pour on them. A sign behind them reads HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY CHIEF. As the smoke finishes, the sign reads HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY CHIEF. Andy and Nitro crouch nude on their platforms — ala the opening of The Terminator. Chief walks in.]

Chief: Welcome to the past boys. We’ve been expecting you.

Spaceship: Chief, you look exactly the same.

Chief: Come with me if you want to live.

INT. NBC BASEMENT

[Spaceship, Nitro and Chief scan the hallway in step.]

Chief: The central hive is just ahead. We have to destroy the eggs before they hatch.

[A CREAKING SCREAM comes from afar. The men turn around. An oversized laser cat, someone in a large cat uniform, menaces towards them.]

Nitro: Blast it!

[Spaceship and Nitro fire. The cat claws their arsenal and the debris becomes regular kittens. It claws Chief’s stomach. Chief drops to the floor and spews white fluid from his mouth as wires are exposed out of his stomach.]

Spaceship: He’s a robot. No wonder he never aged!

[The cat advances towards both men. Its mouth opens and a smaller cat lunges – – ala Alien3. Both are trembling. ELLEN RIPLEY appears armed with a “lion flamethrower”, a plush lion doll superimposed with poorly composed CGI flames.]

Ripley: Get away from her you bitch!

Both: Ripley!!

Ripley: Believe it or not.

[Ripley “fires” flames after flame at the large laser cat to success. Spaceship and Nitro gaze at Ripley in awe.]

Ripley: Come with me if you want to live.

INT. STUDIO 8H – UPPER AUDIENCE AREA

[Spaceship, Nitro, and Ripley tip-toe around the seats.]

Nitro: Laser bats!

[All three of them fire at the “laser bats”… rubber bats on strings shooting lasers.]

INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT

[Lorne views the tape glum and insulted. Andy, Bill, and Cameron view his reaction.]

James Cameron: Game changing.

[Andy and Bill high-five each other.]

INT. STUDIO 8H – UPPER AUDIENCE AREA.

[The intense laser fire overwhelms Spaceship, who has been hit. Spaceship screams and falls over the railing. A WIDE SHOT reveals his fall to be a dummy dressed in his clothes. Nitro extends his hand but fails.]

Nitro: NO-OO-OO-OO!!

[Ripley grabs Nitro by the face.]

Ripley: He’s gone! We’ve got to move on!

Nitro: Okay.

[Nitro and Ripley exit. Spaceship lands hard on the floor.]

Spaceship: My legs! I’ll never walk again.

[Spaceship’s paralyzed from the waist down. He observes a far off door, obvious to the viewer the door’s completely elsewhere, with a handwritten sign reading AVATAR ROOM.]

Spaceship: Avatar Room!?

INT. NBC BASEMENT – ANOTHER SECTION

[Nitro and Ripley proceed with caution.]

Nitro: Thanks for the save back there.

Ripley: Save the love letters, kid. We’ll be lucky to get out of here alive. Speaking of which…

[The entire floor’s covered in shoeboxes adorned in silly string.]

Nitro: Yahtzee! These are the laser kitten eggs!

Ripley: And their about to hatch!

[Various kittens pop out of the shoeboxes shooting “lasers”.]

INT. ANDY SAMBERG’S DRESSING ROOM

[Spaceship trudges onto a couch and lastly lifts his legs on it. He pulls a piece of sheet metal over his face with a handwritten sign reading AVATAR MACHINE.]

[CLOSE UP: TOILET WATER FLUSHING]

INT. NBC BASEMENT – ANOTHER SECTION

[Nitro and Ripley are manically firing at the kittens.]

Nitro: I’m all out of ammo!

Ripley: Me too. It looks like this was a one-way ticket, kemosabe.

[Both hold hands and squeeze. Spaceship, appearing as a Na’vi tribal warrior from Avatar, swings in on a tree vine screaming.]

Nitro: Spaceship!

Spaceship (NA’VI): Nitro! Hit me!

[Ripley tosses her “flamethrower”.]

Ripley: Quickly! Make the connection!

[Spaceship takes his hair braid and connects it to the tail of the plush lion. The lion’s eyes glow crimson red and Spaceship fires large, particle waves at the laser kittens.]

Ripley: He’s using the power of nature!

[Spaceship bares his fanged teeth at the laser kittens.]

Spaceship (NA’VI): Ripley! Nitro! Get behind me quickly. I am not joking around. This is serious.

[A 1912 ORCHESTRA is seated before all the shoeboxes.]

Conductor: We’re staying.

[The entire area explodes.]

INT. ENGINEER ROOM

[Spaceship, back to regular form and injury-free, and Nitro are standing on the platforms. Ripley’s between them.]

Ripley: Good job, boys. You finally rid the world of laser cats. Nitro… thanks for being my wingman.

[Nitro places his right index finger on Ripley’s lips.]

Nitro: Save the love letters, kid.

[Both lean in for a kiss. Ripley vomits white fluid. A plush kitten covered in green slime bursts out of her stomach. The boys are teleported back to 3048.]

Female (V/O): Welcome back to the present – where laser cats still exist.

[The boys sigh.]

[SUPER: THE END]

INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT

[The tape ends.]

James Cameron: I gotta say, this movie combined with “Avatar, could make a billion dollars.

Lorne Michaels: Get out.

James Cameron: No, I’m serious…

Lorne Michaels: No, I mean get out of my office now.

James Cameron: Oh…

[Andy and Bill exit with the equipment. Cameron’s a step behind then turns to back to Lorne.]

James Cameron: What if I were to offer you some unobtanium?

Lorne Michaels: No.

James Cameron: It’s really hard to get…

Lorne Michaels: No.

[Cameron shrugs then exits.]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Riley

Riley….Fred Armisen
Jake….Andy Samberg
Mom….Sigourney Weaver
Dad….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a house at night, cut to a dining room. Mom serves dinner to her son Jake and to his son’s friend, red headed Riley]

Mom: Here you go. A couple of my famous crab cakes. [serves them]

Jake: Thanks mom. These look great.

[Dad comes home]

Dad: Hey, everyone. Sorry I’m late.

Mom: Oh, its ok, honey. I just went ahead and served the boys. How are you?

[kiss]

Dad: Looks like we have some company.

Mom: That’s right. This is Jake’s new friend, Riley.

Dad: All right. Well, its nice to meet you Riley.

Riley: [gruff, effeminate tone] It would’ve been nice to meet you at 8 o’clock! What kind of a bitch shows up 45 minutes late!

Dad: [surprised] I’m sorry, what? What is that?

Jingle: Get ready for Riley!

Caption: Riley

Riley: You bitch!

[back to scene]

Mom: Riley is new at school. I think its very nice of Jake to invite him over.

Riley: Yeah, yeah. Jake’s the best. Let’s eat!

Dad: So, did you two have a good day at school?

Riley: Oh, it was terrible! For starters, I missed the school bus and I had to haul my ass down nine blocks! I mean, can you picture it? Me hoofing it in these galoshes like yesterday’s bitch!

Dad: Hey Riley, you know, I’m not sure how you talk in your family buddy, but we kind of not use that language in this house.

Riley: Oh, pardon me, Randall Rule-Book, but I’m me! This is who I am! I’m bold! I’m brash! And you better believe it!

Mom: Michael, Riley is our guest. So, lets be polite.

Riley: She’s great! Look at those legs. What do you do? Flick kicks every morning? Heh, heh, heh….

Dad: He’s right, honey. You do look great.

Riley: Who told you to open your mouth, bitch?!

Dad: [holding his patience] Riley, buddy.

Riley: Right, right. Fine. Language.

Jake: Oh, mom, you won’t believe what happened in science class. Mr.Zalesko threw his back out picking up the projector.

Riley: [exaggerated laugh] HAHAHA!!! It was great! That’s what me and Jake do all day at school, we laugh like a pair of old queens.

Dad: Sounds like he really hurt himself.

Riley: Oh, calm down, Mary. He’ll live.

Jake: Then Riley got into a fight with coach Duncan in gym class.

Riley: That’s right. I refuse to wear those gym shorts. They make my ass look like a couple of ice cream cones pushed together! And I mean vanilla, bitch! Hahaha!

Dad: [angry] Riley, are you not hearing me?

Mom: Michael, don’t make him feel uncomfortable.

[snippy look on Riley]

Dad: So Jakey, how’s the new ten-speed bike working out?

Jake: Umm…

Dad: What? What’s wrong?

Riley: Oh, spill the beans! We sold it! And we bought these. Oh, put yours on. [Riley and Jake get fruity rhinestone caps and purses on] When we show up in these tomorrow everyone’s gonna crap! Hahaha!

Dad: Wait! You sold your ten-speed?! That was $600!

Jake: Well, Riley said we have to wow them. He said you wouldn’t get it, bitch.

Dad: Hey! Did he teach you that?!

Riley: Oh, way to connect the dots, bitch!

Dad: Ok. Riley, go home! You’re disrespectful and a terrible influence on our son!

Mom: Michael, this little boy may be different but he has feelings.

Riley: Heh, heh, heh, she’s great!

Mom: He just transferred to another school….

Riley: [mocking the Dad] She’s humiliating you! You should see your face.

Mom:…where he doesn’t have any friends….

Riley: You’re a bitch, bitch!

Mom: ….our son….

Riley: Put your finger in his face.

Mom: ….our son has been kind enough to accept him and make him a friend. The least we can do is accept him too.

Riley: That’s right, bitch!

[sentimental music]

Jake: Yeah, dad. Everyone’s different. And that’s what makes every friend a new adventure.

[music stops]

[Riley next to Jake]

Riley: That’s right, you bitch!

Dad: You’re right, Riley. I’m sorry for judging you. Anytime you want to come over here….

Riley: Oh my God! “Damages” is on! That show is like crack! Dinner’s over! [throws fork on the plate]

Dad: Hey, Glenn Close is an amazing actress.

Riley: I’m starting to like this bitch, bitch!

[Everyone at the table laugh and go: “Oh, Riley!”]

Jingle: Get ready for Riley!

Caption: Riley

Riley: You bitch!

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts