Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Bar

Tarkey Fensington…..Will Forte
Bartender…..Bobby Moynihan
Resdin Bonure…..Jon Hamm

[ open on interior, bar ]

Tarkey Fensington: A gin and tonic, please.

Bartender: Gin and tonic, on the way.

Resdin Bonure: [ holding up his glass ] Gin and tonic. A hell of a drink.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. I’m not gay.

Resdin Bonure: [ stunned ] I’m not either, bro.

Tarkey Fensington: Oh.

Resdin Bonure: Cheers.

Tarkey Fensington: Sorry.

[ they toast their glasses ]

Tarkey Fensington: It’s been a long day.

Resdin Bonure: None taken.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. I, uh, I didn’t say “No offense.”

Resdin Bonure: [ nodding ] None taken.

[ they sip their drinks quietly ]

Resdin Bonure: You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

Tarkey Fensington: No. Probably not.

Resdin Bonure: Where did you go to high school?

Tarkey Fensington: Salt Lake City. Pleasant Valley Beavers?

Resdin Bonure: No. I’m from Israel. Jerusalem Tigers.

Tarkey Fensington: I guess not, then.

Resdin Bonure: No, I-I-I know you from somewhere! Are you on TV?

Tarkey Fensington: No, I’m on a bar stool.

Resdin Bonure: That’s a really good joke! [ laughing ] So, seriously — how do I know you? [ it suddenly hits him ] Wait a second… You’re the freakin’ CLOSET ORGANIZER guy, aren’t you? Oh, my God! That’s you, right! From the commercial! The blue suit!

Tarkey Fensington: [ somewhat ashamed ] That’s me…

Resdin Bonure: [ impressed ] Your hair kind of threw me!

Tarkey Fensington: I’m not wearing the hat…

Resdin Bonure: I can’t believe I’m talking to the Closet Organizer guy!

Tarkey Fensington: I — I have a name.

Resdin Bonure: Oh! I’m sorry. Uh —

Tarkey Fensington: Tarkey. Tarket Fensington.

[ they shake hands ]

Resdin Bonure: Tarkey. I’m… Resdin Bonure. It’s a real honor. A real honor. I know you probably get this all the time, but, uh — [ he motions his hands, afraid to ask ] Could you do a little of it for me?

Tarkey Fensington: I don’t know, I —

Resdin Bonure: Oh, come on. Please?

Tarkey Fensington: Fine.

[ he mimes catching stray objects and tossing then further into the closet ]

Resdin Bonure: [ laughing ] Socks! Marbles! Pies, pies, pies!! That’s so awesome! How about that? Thank you! Oh, man… Hey! You wanna head over to my place, maybe we can watch “The Office” or something?

Tarkey Fensington: I don’t know…

Resdin Bonure: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun. We can order a pizza, drink some beer — it’ll be fun.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah, okay… maybe.

Resdin Bonure: You know — we could play some video games, you know — maybe after, we could, uh.. [ quietly ] organize my closet.

Tarkey Fensington: [ fuming ] There it is! Thanks, Resdin.

Resdin Bonure: What?

Tarkey Fensington: I’m not gonna help you organize your closet! Okay?

Resdin Bonure: Hey — whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m just joking.

Tarkey Fensington: Well, it wasn’t funny!

Resdin Bonure: I’m sorry.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah! You are sorry! You don’t know what it’s like to be ME, okay?! Every time somebody tries to buy you a drink, or wants to be your friend, or wants to make love to you… you have to ask yourself, “Are they doing this because you’re Tarkey Fensington?” Or because you’re… [ miming his commercial ] “Pies! Socks! Marbles!”

Resdin Bonure: [ embarrassed ] I-I-I-I had no idea…

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. No, you didn’t. [ he leaves his tip on the bar ] Goodbye Resdin. I hope you die tonight

[ he exits the bar ]

Bartender: Heyyyy! Was that the Closet Organizer guy?

Resdin Bonure: No, that was Tark — [ can’t remember his exact name ] Yeah, that was the Closet Organizer.

Bartender: Yeah. Nice.

[ the Bartender continues to wipe the counter ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 30th, 2010

Jon Hamm

Michael Buble

None

Sharon Jones

Bryan Tucker

Michael Patrick O’Brien


State of the Union 2010Summary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) enjoys standing ovations from his fellow Democrats while delivering his State of the Union Address.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joseph Biden, Nancy Pelosi.

Transcript

Montage

Jon Hamm’s MonologueSummary: Jon Hamm’s pre-“Mad Men” filmography featured his Don Draper character on a teen comedy, QVC, and “Def Comedy Jam”.

Transcript

1920’s PartySummary: In 1928 New York City, Lilia (Kristen Wiig) tries to hold herself back from singing at her own birthday party.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A homeless Indian (Fred Armisen) puts “The Curse” of Sergio (Jon Hamm) upon a businessman (Andy Samberg) who carelessly steps on his sacred talisman.

Transcript

New SenatorSummary: Sen. Harry Reid (Will Forte) tries to outline a serious political strategy while Barbara Boxer (Nasim Pedrad), Nancy Pelosi (Kristen Wiig), Barney Frank (Fred Armisen), and Robert Byrd (Bill Hader) fantasize about Republican senator Scott Brown (Jon Hamm).

Recurring Characters: Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Barney Frank, Robert Byrd.

Transcript

Michael Buble performs “Haven’t Met You Yet”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Sonia Sotomayor (Nasim Pedrad). Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (Bobby Moynihan).

Recurring Characters: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Mike “The Situation”.

Game Time with Randy and GregSummary: Randy Dukes (Kenan Thompson) insists that co-host Greg (Bill Hader) is not an alien, even as he spawns multiple Greg clones (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Bryan Tucker, Michael Patrick O’Brien).

Recurring Characters: Randy Dukes, Greg.

Transcript

Hamm & BubleSummary: Jon Hamm has forced Michael Buble to mispronounce his own name and partner with him in a vanity ham and champagne restaurant venture.

Transcript

Closet OrganizerSummary: Throw all of your loose closet items at the Closet Organizer guy (Will Forte) and he’ll keep your closet straight for you.

Transcript

StenographerSummary: Stenopgrapher Linda Naig (Fred Armisen) insists on being disruptive and looking for her crackers in the middle of an important trial.

Michael Buble and Sharon Jones perform “Baby (You’ve Got What It Takes)”

BarSummary: Resdin Bonure (Jon Hamm) meets the Closet Organizer guy, Tarkey Fensington (Will Forte) in a bar.

Transcript

American EnterpriseSummary: William Barnes (Bill Hader) and G. Clifford Noble (Jon Hamm) decide to start a business so that homeless people will have a place to go to the bathroom.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Who’s the Host?Summary: Game show contestants must guess who the host is in order to win big prizes.

Mel Gibson TrailerSummary: Coming soon: Another generic Mel Gibson film!

Apple iPadSummary: Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces a new iPad feature that lets users e-mail animal sounds to one another.

SNL Transcripts

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SNL Transcripts: Sigourney Weaver: 01/16/10: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

An SNL Digital Short

…..James Cameron
…..Lorne Michaels
Spaceship…..Andy Samberg
Nitro…..Bill Hader
Chief…..Fred Armisen
Ellen Ripley…..Sigourney Weaver
Conductor…..Jason Sudeikis

FADE IN:

INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT

[JAMES CAMERON ENTERS. LORNE MICHAELS is seated at his desk.]

James Cameron: Thanks Lorne for meeting with me. I really appreciate it.

Lorne Michaels: James, no problem. Congratulations on Avatar. There were sections of it that remind me of “Three Amigos”.

James Cameron: You picked up on that. That’s great! I’m going to cut to the chase – I got my next project ready to go and I think it’s going to be perfect for the show.

Lorne Michaels: If you’re behind it, I’ll put it on the air.

James Cameron: Great! Guys?

BILL HADER and ANDY SAMBERG burst into the office with a television and VCR on a small cart.

Both: Hi!!

Lorne Michaels: Oh fuck!

[CUT TO: MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE ON TELEVISON OF “LASER CATS” WITH CATS FLYING AND THE PLANET EARTH.]

Bill Hader (V/O): In the future, there was a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of…?

[The planet Earth explodes in large bursts of fire.]

[MUSIC: THEME FROM TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY]

SUPER: JAMES CAMERON’S LASER CATS 5

INT. NBC COMMISSARY – DAY

[A WAITRESS in a futuristic (all tin foil) cap wipes the counter. Nitro and Spaceship are seated with their “laser cats”, (i.e. plush toy cats), on the counter.]

Spaceship: Cheers, kemosabe.

[Both “drink” digital beer from their iPhones. Andy throws his “can” at the trash bin. REVEAL his throw to a mismatched iPhones to an aluminum trash can.]

Nitro: Whoa, kemosabe! Don’t you care about the environment?

Spaceship: Negativo. What’s the environment done for me?

[Nitro “types” on his futuristic communicator, a large, weight belt strapped diagonally around his chest, reading NITRO.]

Nitro: Oh, geez. We’re getting a video call from our science chief.

[Nitro puts on a pair of oversize sunglasses.]

[THE CHIEF, dressed in a white, oversized bellhop’s uniform, stands with a “laser kitten/laser pointer”.]

Chief: Admiral here. Spaceship, Nitro — I’m sending you back in time to the year 3023. Your mission – destroy the hive where the laser cats were born. Stop laser cats from ever existing.

Both: Bad-ical!!

[Both “charge” their laser cats.]

INT. ENGINEER ROOM

Chief: Godspeed boys.

[Chief types on an iTech pre-schoolers learning device. Andy and Nitro stand on separate platforms as large bursts of smoke pour on them. A sign behind them reads HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY CHIEF. As the smoke finishes, the sign reads HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY CHIEF. Andy and Nitro crouch nude on their platforms — ala the opening of The Terminator. Chief walks in.]

Chief: Welcome to the past boys. We’ve been expecting you.

Spaceship: Chief, you look exactly the same.

Chief: Come with me if you want to live.

INT. NBC BASEMENT

[Spaceship, Nitro and Chief scan the hallway in step.]

Chief: The central hive is just ahead. We have to destroy the eggs before they hatch.

[A CREAKING SCREAM comes from afar. The men turn around. An oversized laser cat, someone in a large cat uniform, menaces towards them.]

Nitro: Blast it!

[Spaceship and Nitro fire. The cat claws their arsenal and the debris becomes regular kittens. It claws Chief’s stomach. Chief drops to the floor and spews white fluid from his mouth as wires are exposed out of his stomach.]

Spaceship: He’s a robot. No wonder he never aged!

[The cat advances towards both men. Its mouth opens and a smaller cat lunges – – ala Alien3. Both are trembling. ELLEN RIPLEY appears armed with a “lion flamethrower”, a plush lion doll superimposed with poorly composed CGI flames.]

Ripley: Get away from her you bitch!

Both: Ripley!!

Ripley: Believe it or not.

[Ripley “fires” flames after flame at the large laser cat to success. Spaceship and Nitro gaze at Ripley in awe.]

Ripley: Come with me if you want to live.

INT. STUDIO 8H – UPPER AUDIENCE AREA

[Spaceship, Nitro, and Ripley tip-toe around the seats.]

Nitro: Laser bats!

[All three of them fire at the “laser bats”… rubber bats on strings shooting lasers.]

INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT

[Lorne views the tape glum and insulted. Andy, Bill, and Cameron view his reaction.]

James Cameron: Game changing.

[Andy and Bill high-five each other.]

INT. STUDIO 8H – UPPER AUDIENCE AREA.

[The intense laser fire overwhelms Spaceship, who has been hit. Spaceship screams and falls over the railing. A WIDE SHOT reveals his fall to be a dummy dressed in his clothes. Nitro extends his hand but fails.]

Nitro: NO-OO-OO-OO!!

[Ripley grabs Nitro by the face.]

Ripley: He’s gone! We’ve got to move on!

Nitro: Okay.

[Nitro and Ripley exit. Spaceship lands hard on the floor.]

Spaceship: My legs! I’ll never walk again.

[Spaceship’s paralyzed from the waist down. He observes a far off door, obvious to the viewer the door’s completely elsewhere, with a handwritten sign reading AVATAR ROOM.]

Spaceship: Avatar Room!?

INT. NBC BASEMENT – ANOTHER SECTION

[Nitro and Ripley proceed with caution.]

Nitro: Thanks for the save back there.

Ripley: Save the love letters, kid. We’ll be lucky to get out of here alive. Speaking of which…

[The entire floor’s covered in shoeboxes adorned in silly string.]

Nitro: Yahtzee! These are the laser kitten eggs!

Ripley: And their about to hatch!

[Various kittens pop out of the shoeboxes shooting “lasers”.]

INT. ANDY SAMBERG’S DRESSING ROOM

[Spaceship trudges onto a couch and lastly lifts his legs on it. He pulls a piece of sheet metal over his face with a handwritten sign reading AVATAR MACHINE.]

[CLOSE UP: TOILET WATER FLUSHING]

INT. NBC BASEMENT – ANOTHER SECTION

[Nitro and Ripley are manically firing at the kittens.]

Nitro: I’m all out of ammo!

Ripley: Me too. It looks like this was a one-way ticket, kemosabe.

[Both hold hands and squeeze. Spaceship, appearing as a Na’vi tribal warrior from Avatar, swings in on a tree vine screaming.]

Nitro: Spaceship!

Spaceship (NA’VI): Nitro! Hit me!

[Ripley tosses her “flamethrower”.]

Ripley: Quickly! Make the connection!

[Spaceship takes his hair braid and connects it to the tail of the plush lion. The lion’s eyes glow crimson red and Spaceship fires large, particle waves at the laser kittens.]

Ripley: He’s using the power of nature!

[Spaceship bares his fanged teeth at the laser kittens.]

Spaceship (NA’VI): Ripley! Nitro! Get behind me quickly. I am not joking around. This is serious.

[A 1912 ORCHESTRA is seated before all the shoeboxes.]

Conductor: We’re staying.

[The entire area explodes.]

INT. ENGINEER ROOM

[Spaceship, back to regular form and injury-free, and Nitro are standing on the platforms. Ripley’s between them.]

Ripley: Good job, boys. You finally rid the world of laser cats. Nitro… thanks for being my wingman.

[Nitro places his right index finger on Ripley’s lips.]

Nitro: Save the love letters, kid.

[Both lean in for a kiss. Ripley vomits white fluid. A plush kitten covered in green slime bursts out of her stomach. The boys are teleported back to 3048.]

Female (V/O): Welcome back to the present – where laser cats still exist.

[The boys sigh.]

[SUPER: THE END]

INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT

[The tape ends.]

James Cameron: I gotta say, this movie combined with “Avatar, could make a billion dollars.

Lorne Michaels: Get out.

James Cameron: No, I’m serious…

Lorne Michaels: No, I mean get out of my office now.

James Cameron: Oh…

[Andy and Bill exit with the equipment. Cameron’s a step behind then turns to back to Lorne.]

James Cameron: What if I were to offer you some unobtanium?

Lorne Michaels: No.

James Cameron: It’s really hard to get…

Lorne Michaels: No.

[Cameron shrugs then exits.]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Riley

Riley….Fred Armisen
Jake….Andy Samberg
Mom….Sigourney Weaver
Dad….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a house at night, cut to a dining room. Mom serves dinner to her son Jake and to his son’s friend, red headed Riley]

Mom: Here you go. A couple of my famous crab cakes. [serves them]

Jake: Thanks mom. These look great.

[Dad comes home]

Dad: Hey, everyone. Sorry I’m late.

Mom: Oh, its ok, honey. I just went ahead and served the boys. How are you?

[kiss]

Dad: Looks like we have some company.

Mom: That’s right. This is Jake’s new friend, Riley.

Dad: All right. Well, its nice to meet you Riley.

Riley: [gruff, effeminate tone] It would’ve been nice to meet you at 8 o’clock! What kind of a bitch shows up 45 minutes late!

Dad: [surprised] I’m sorry, what? What is that?

Jingle: Get ready for Riley!

Caption: Riley

Riley: You bitch!

[back to scene]

Mom: Riley is new at school. I think its very nice of Jake to invite him over.

Riley: Yeah, yeah. Jake’s the best. Let’s eat!

Dad: So, did you two have a good day at school?

Riley: Oh, it was terrible! For starters, I missed the school bus and I had to haul my ass down nine blocks! I mean, can you picture it? Me hoofing it in these galoshes like yesterday’s bitch!

Dad: Hey Riley, you know, I’m not sure how you talk in your family buddy, but we kind of not use that language in this house.

Riley: Oh, pardon me, Randall Rule-Book, but I’m me! This is who I am! I’m bold! I’m brash! And you better believe it!

Mom: Michael, Riley is our guest. So, lets be polite.

Riley: She’s great! Look at those legs. What do you do? Flick kicks every morning? Heh, heh, heh….

Dad: He’s right, honey. You do look great.

Riley: Who told you to open your mouth, bitch?!

Dad: [holding his patience] Riley, buddy.

Riley: Right, right. Fine. Language.

Jake: Oh, mom, you won’t believe what happened in science class. Mr.Zalesko threw his back out picking up the projector.

Riley: [exaggerated laugh] HAHAHA!!! It was great! That’s what me and Jake do all day at school, we laugh like a pair of old queens.

Dad: Sounds like he really hurt himself.

Riley: Oh, calm down, Mary. He’ll live.

Jake: Then Riley got into a fight with coach Duncan in gym class.

Riley: That’s right. I refuse to wear those gym shorts. They make my ass look like a couple of ice cream cones pushed together! And I mean vanilla, bitch! Hahaha!

Dad: [angry] Riley, are you not hearing me?

Mom: Michael, don’t make him feel uncomfortable.

[snippy look on Riley]

Dad: So Jakey, how’s the new ten-speed bike working out?

Jake: Umm…

Dad: What? What’s wrong?

Riley: Oh, spill the beans! We sold it! And we bought these. Oh, put yours on. [Riley and Jake get fruity rhinestone caps and purses on] When we show up in these tomorrow everyone’s gonna crap! Hahaha!

Dad: Wait! You sold your ten-speed?! That was $600!

Jake: Well, Riley said we have to wow them. He said you wouldn’t get it, bitch.

Dad: Hey! Did he teach you that?!

Riley: Oh, way to connect the dots, bitch!

Dad: Ok. Riley, go home! You’re disrespectful and a terrible influence on our son!

Mom: Michael, this little boy may be different but he has feelings.

Riley: Heh, heh, heh, she’s great!

Mom: He just transferred to another school….

Riley: [mocking the Dad] She’s humiliating you! You should see your face.

Mom:…where he doesn’t have any friends….

Riley: You’re a bitch, bitch!

Mom: ….our son….

Riley: Put your finger in his face.

Mom: ….our son has been kind enough to accept him and make him a friend. The least we can do is accept him too.

Riley: That’s right, bitch!

[sentimental music]

Jake: Yeah, dad. Everyone’s different. And that’s what makes every friend a new adventure.

[music stops]

[Riley next to Jake]

Riley: That’s right, you bitch!

Dad: You’re right, Riley. I’m sorry for judging you. Anytime you want to come over here….

Riley: Oh my God! “Damages” is on! That show is like crack! Dinner’s over! [throws fork on the plate]

Dad: Hey, Glenn Close is an amazing actress.

Riley: I’m starting to like this bitch, bitch!

[Everyone at the table laugh and go: “Oh, Riley!”]

Jingle: Get ready for Riley!

Caption: Riley

Riley: You bitch!

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Sigourney Weaver

…..Sigourney Weaver
…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sigourney Weaver!

Sigourney Weaver: Thank you! Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the second time. [ the audience cheers ] Last time I hosted was in 1986. This was me back then: [ still shot of Weaver during her 1986 monologue ] A lot has changed since then. I wear a bra now.

Now, you may know me most recently from the movie “Avatar”. [ the audience cheers ] But, you know, throughout my career I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to play some amazing people in the movies: Ellen Ripley in “Alien”, Diane Fossey in “Gorillas in the Mist”, and, of course, the smokin’ Dr. Grace ?? in “Avatar”. [ the audience cheers ] All of them strong, independent, fearless BITCHES! But, you know, in real life I’m really not like that at all. You know, I’m actually kind of a wimp. You know, I HATE scary movies? Seriously. I don’t even like to see the ones I’m in. I remember when I saw “Aliens”, I screamed for two straight hours. Okay, I lied; I didn’t scream — I peed. So now I have a personal rule — I don’t see anything scary. Nothing with monsters, aliens, no puppets, no teens on vacation, no twins. But, tonight, you know, I don ‘t have anything to be afraid of —

[ Kristen Wiig taps Weaver on the shoulder ]

Kristen Wiig: Sigourney?

[ Weaver jumps and screams ]

It’s me — it’s Kristen — I just wanted to say what a huge fan I am!

Sigourney Weaver: Are you an alien? You HAVE to tell me if you are!

Kristen Wiig: [ stunned ] I’m… not an alien.

Sigourney Weaver: Are you a twin?

Kristen Wiig: I’m gonna catch you after the show.

[ Kristen makes a face, then makes her exit ]

Sigourney Weaver: [ she shrugs ] She seems nice. You know, there really is nothing to be scared of. I practically grew up in this building. It’s true. When I was a kid, my dad, Pat Weaver, was President of NBC. I’m not kidding. Yep. [ the audience applauds ] I used to run around these halls. Look — here’s a picture of him from that time, with me and my mom. [ reveal image; audience awws ] I’m not wearing a bra in that picture, either.

Anyway, while he was president, my father actually created “The Tonight Show”. He did. And I recently found his original memo. Can I get that? [ a letter is handed to her ] So, my father wrote that “The Tonight Show” should be: [ reading ] “A light entertainment program with comedy and interviews, to air at night before people drift off to sleep. Because the last thing anyone wants at that time of night is any conflict or controversy.” Dad was a visionary!

We have a great show! The Ting Tings are here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Larry King Live

Larry King…..Fred Armisen
Jay Leno…..Darrell Hammond
Conan O’Brien…..Bill Hader
David Letterman…..Jason Sudeikis
Carson Daly…..Will Forte

[ open on “Larry King Live” graphics ]

[ dissolve to Larry King ]

Larry King: Good evening, I’m Larry King! Are these glasses getting bigger, or is my face SHRINKING?! You decide!! Tonight: The late night wars are heating up once again, with new rumors flying every day! Conan is out, Jay is in, and no one is talking about the greatest talk show of all time — Mr. Joey Bishop! It’s time to end the insanity! Tonight on “Larry King”, our NBC late night summit, where we flesh things out once and for all! Joining me here in the studio are Mr. Jay Leno —

Jay Leno: It was VERY exciting, actually — whoa-oa! [ the audience cheers ] Calm down! Calm down! I didn’t come here to have fun!

Larry King: Jay, I love the denim! Denim on denim thing, it works for me.

Jay Leno: Well, thank you very much, Larry!

Larry King: We’ve also got Conan O’Brien.

Conan O’Brien: [ with great seriousness ] How you doing, Larry.

Larry King: I’m doing great! I’m on this new Benefiber gig! It’s like a plumber came in with a stake and just cleaned it all out! But let’s talk late night. Now, let’s see if I have this sorted out: Now, Jay, about five years ago, NBC came to you and said, “Jay! You’re doing great, your show’s #1, we love you, now leave! Because we want to replace you with Conan O’Brien,” and you said, “Fantastic!”

Jay Leno: Wellllll, I don’t know if I said that, Larry. See, NBC and I agreed on a new deal, alright? But, you know what NBC stands for: Nothing But Catastrophe!! [ he yuks it up ] Did you see this in the paper today? This is so stupid — this is unbelievable!

Larry King: No! Jay, Jay! No monologue! No monologue! I’m gonna have to cut you off, because I want to get to the bottom of this. So, you moved to 10:00 p.m., and that was a colossal failure. Is that right?

Jay Leno: Come on, Larry, I don’t know if that’s true or not!

Larry King: It’s TRUE! And that’s where Conan comes in. Conan, you were doing great at 12:30.

Conan O’Brien: That’s right, yes.

Larry King: You had loads of fans, great ratings… then they moved you to 11:30, and it was a colossal failure! Is that right?

Conan O’Brien: No, Larry. I didn’t really have a chance to —

Larry King: But that might have been because of your lead-in, which was Jay, which was, again, a colossal failure!

Jay Leno: Oh, come on! That is not fair! That’s —

Larry King: So they were going to move Conan to midnight and Jimmy Fallon to 1:00 a.m., which is six hours after I go to bed. Is that all right?

Conan O’Brien: Yeah.

Jay Leno: Yeah.

Larry King: So now everything’s a mess, you’re all mad at each other — all because of a bad decision made in 2003!

Conan O’Brien: Uh-huh.

Jay Leno: Yep!

Larry King: Well, it seems like there’s a very obvious solution here: time machine!

Jay Leno: [ dumbfounded ] What?

Larry King: Conan, you’ve got some time off coming up, you went to Harvard… do you think you could build yourself a time machine? [ Conan gives Larry a dirty look ] You know, fly around a little bit, maybe bring along that bear who touches himself — that thing is a hoot! [ to the camera ] Do you think Conan should build a time machine? Sound off on my Internet blog — type in http, then colon, then two backslashes, then www.cnn.com, backslash, Larry King. It’s an… online blog. Alright, we’re gonna check in with another late night star. He went through a similar shake-up in the early 90’s, and I understand he and Jay used to be great friends. Please welcome David Letterman!

[ cut to Letterman seated behind his own talk show set, giggling and grimaching nonstop ]

Larry King: Now… Now, David. [ Letterman tosses a pencil at the camera, as the sound effects crash ] Your friend Jay here — [ he smiles ] Your friend Jay here is in a terrible jam. And all of NBC late night is just a mess. [ Letterman continues to toss pencils and giggle ] Everyone’s forgotten your sex scandal, and you’re #1 again — how do you feel?

David Letterman: Eee-ohhhh, yeah! [ he giggles and tosses a series of pencils ]

Larry King: That’s great stuff, Dave! Now, Conan — you do a thing on your show where you come out and you pretend you’re a puppet, you dance around, and then you cut the string, and you touch your nipple.

Conan O’Brien: [ slightly embarrassed by it ] Yeah… yeah.

Larry King: Now, is that why you got cancelled?

[ Conan shakes his head no ]

Larry King: Because, Jay, I love that Jaywalking thing you do on your show — that was a big hit, right?

Jay Leno: Wellllllll, it’s pretty popular!

Larry King: Conan! Have you ever considered doing Jaywalking on your show?

Conan O’Brien: No, Larry… we didn’t. No.

Larry King: It’s probably too expensive to do, right? Just to film it, then to ship the film cans.

[ Conan gives Larry another dirty look, as Larry faces the camera ]

Larry King: Should Conan do Jaywalking? Twitter me at captain-suspenders1906. [ ] Well, Conan, it looks like you got screwed worse than ANYONE on this thing, but the rumor is you might get millions of dollars to walk away, and maybe try for a show at Fox. Is it true?

Conan O’Brien: I really can’t say anything at this time…

Larry King: Millions! To walk away! It sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. If someone offered me even one? million dollars, not only would I pack up and leave… I’d KILL a guy!

Jay Leno: Well, if that’s the case, then, Larry, I have the names of a couple of NBC executives I could get you — Sure! Sure!

Larry King: That’s terrific stuff!

Jay Leno: Well, thank you!

Larry King: Conan, don’t worry! You’re young and talented, and you get to leave NBC. It’s like you were rescued from the Titanic! And I can relate, because I was rescued from the ACTUAL Titanic! Dave! Anything else to add?

David Letterman: Ehhhhhh… [ he giggles and tosses another pencil at the camera ]

Larry King: Thanks, Dave! Uh, we’re gonna be right back with more of the NBC mess, and — oh, my God, I can’t believe it! Sutting right here the entire time, just off camera, was Mr. Carson Daly!

[ Carson Daly nods ]

Larry King: Thanks for being here!

Carson Daly: Sure.

Larry King: Coming up: Snoop Dogg tells us why he’d love to work with Susan Boyle, and, also: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Goodnights

…..Sigourney Weaver

Sigourney Weaver: THanks to the Ting Tings, Darrell Hammond, my friend James Cameron, to this AMAZING group of people, and to Lorne Michaels and to NBC and my dad. [ she blows a kiss ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Fire and Rice

Jessica Fire…..Sigourney Weaver
Dante Rice…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on interior, nightclub stage, Dante Rice playing the piano as Jessica Fire sits atop ]

Jessica Fire: Hello! Hello there, I’m Jessica Fire, and this silver fox to my right —

Dante Rice: And to your left.

Jessica Fire: Is my partner in song — and also in life — my second husband and my ride home, Dante Rice.

Dante Rice: [ chuckling ] And, together, we are:

Together: Fire and Rice!

Jessica Fire: [ she laughs ] And — [ looking down ] Uh-oh. Guess I didn’t realize how high up I’d be when I climbed up here.

Dante Rice: Oh, Jessiba!

Jessica Fire: What is it, my love?

Dante Rice: What’s that on your finger?

Jessica Fire: Oh! Well, that’s just a string to remind me.

Dante Rice: What? To remind you of what?

Jessica Fire: Well, to remind me to sing this song: [ singing ]

“I’ve got the world on a string
I’m sitting ON a rainbow!”

I’m a little scared right now…

[ she lays across the top of the piano, twitching slightly ]

“Got this string around my fin-ger!
What a world!
What a life!
I’m in love.”

Dante Rice: Is everything okay, my love?

Jessica Fire: I’m fine…

“I’ve got a song that I sing…”

I feel so high up!

“I can make the rain go…”

[ nervous ] Seriously — am I really high off the ground right now?

Dante Rice: No, not at all. Not at all.

Jessica Fire: “Every time I put my fin-gerLucky me –“

Wow… are pianos normally this high?

Dante Rice: [ chuckling ] Funny thing about my wife — she’s afraid of heights!

Jessica Fire: How high up am I? Like, 40 or 50 feet?

Dante Rice: No-ho! Coupled by a severe depth-perception problem.

Jessica Fire: Well, I’m not comfortable with this!

Dante Rice: You’ll have to excuse my little songbird here. This is our first time trying the act with Jessica on top of the piano. I guess I just thought it would look real charming.

Jessica Fire: Can someone help me down?! Please?! Someone bring a ladder!

Dante Rice: We don’t need that! We don’t need a ladder! We could just… “Call the Whole Thing Off”.

Jessica Fire: Oh, that’s a good idea!

Dante Rice: No, honey — the song. [ he begins to tinkle the ivories ]

Jessica Fire: Oh. Oh.

Dante Rice: [ singing ]
“You say to-ma-to –“

Jessica Fire: No, I’m starting to freak out a little bit here!

Dante Rice: “You say po-ta-to –“

Jessica Fire: Just shut your stupid mouth!!

Dante Rice: “To-ma-to!”

Jessica Fire: HELP ME!!

Dante Rice: “Po-ta-to!”

Jessica Fire: I HATE YOU!!

Dante Rice: You’re right — let’s just call this whole thing off, right?

Jessica Fire: Oh, my God… I’m gonna die on this piano!

Dante Rice: No, honey, you’re not gonna die! Relax! Come on! How about a little “Heart and Soul”!

Jessica Fire: I’m peeing!

Dante Rice: Okay! “Heart and Soul”! She’s peeing, ladies and gentlemen — everybody pees, it’s okay!

Jessica Fire: I need you to be NICE to me now!

Dante Rice: Alright! Let’s just wrap this up, shall we?

[ Jessica twists her body around the top of the piano, singing ]

Jessica Fire:
“I’ve got rhythm
I’ve got music.
I’ve got my man
Who could ask for anything more?!”

[ Jessica attempts to prop herself up by her elbows ]

Together: Who could ask fooooorrrrr anything moooorrrrre?”

Dante Rice: Oh boy, yeah!

[ Jessica raises herself high on the piano and falls off; her screams echo into the distance until we hear the sound of breaking glass ]

Dante Rice: [ panicking ] Oh! Wha — There’s like a sixty-foot drop back here!! I did not see that!! Why didn’t you — we’re gonna take a five!! I’m sorry!! [ he jumps atop the piano and peers downward ] I’m sorry, honey!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Internet Buzz

Jim Simpson…..Jason Sudeikis
Dave…..Bill Hader
Steph…..Kristen Wiig
…..Sigourney Weaver

[ open on exterior, apartment building ]

[ SUPER: “Sigourney Weaver’s Apartment – Sunday” ]

[ dissolve to interior, as her husband, Jim Simpson, pours a bottle of wine for their two guests ]

Jim Simpson: Thank you so much for bringing the Shiraz.

Dave: No problem. Let’s hope it brings good luck for Sigourney tonight.

Jim Simpson: Mmm-hmm. From your mouth to God’s ears! [ he chuckles lightly, then grabs the remote control ] Who’s ready to watch the Golden Globes?

Dave: Absolutely!

Steph: This is so exciting! I hope “Avatar” wins EVERYTHING!

Jim Simpson: Mmm-hmm.

Steph: Where is she?

Jim Simpson: Uh, I think she’s in the bedroom. Hey, Sigourney! Honey? Dave and Steph are here! Why don’t you, uh — what are you doing? Come on out!

[ Sigourney runs out, holding up her laptop ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, hey! Listen to this. I’m on the E! online message board, and Johnmonger26 says: “Just saw “AVatar”, Sigourney Weaver is still hot, kiss my ass!” [ she giggles ] People are really talking about me on these Internet boards, isn’t that crazy?

Jim Simpson: Well, that’s great, honey. You want to come join us?

Sigourney Weaver: Okay. I’ll be right there.

[ she turns and runs back into the bedroom ]

Steph: Wow. Is she — is she Googling herself?

Jim Simpson: Uh — yeah. Yeah, yeah. She’s been doing it all week. She’ll just be a second, she’s very excited you guys are here.

Dave: Why isn’t she at the Golden Globes?

Jim Simpson: Oh, uh — well, she found out they didn’t have Wi-Fi.

[ Sigourney returns with her laptop in hand ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, look at this! Guys, I’m on the Comments section on Imdb.com, and UltimateDuck28 says that “Avatar is the best movie of all time!” [ she turns her monitor ] He even wrote it in caps!

Jim Simpson: You know, I think that happens a lot, honey.

Sigourney Weaver: You know, he calls me an “Amazonian beauty.” Look at me, I’m blushing! Should I respond to this? I should respond, right?

Jim Simpson: Uh — no. No, Sweetie. I don’t — no. [ Sigourney exits back into the bedroom ] Alright. There she goes. [ he chuckles nervously ] I’m sorry about this. She just got a new laptop.

Steph: Oh… that’s fine.

Jim Simpson: Hey, so tell me about the new house.

Dave: Great. We just put in a new kitchen, and it’s —

[ Sigourney re-enters with her laptop, bursting into tears ]

Sigourney Weaver: OH!! Oh, my God!! Oh, my Go-o-o-od!

Jim Simpson: [ concerned ] Honey, honey? What is it?

Sigourney Weaver: It’s just… RooserBooster71 said, “Avatar looks STUPID!” He says he’s gonna see it on video! I just can’t believe this!

Jim Simpson: Oh, no, no — now, come on. You can’t listen to RoosterBooster71 —

Sigourney Weaver: He says it’s overhyped! He calls it “Dances With Smurfs”! He said it’s too much like the movie “Fern Gully”!

Dave: Oh, don’t worry about that…

Steph: Yeah. “Fern Gully” was good.

Sigourney Weaver: What am I gonna tell James Cameron?! I’m so upset about this! Do you think this is gonna hurt the movie?

Jim Simpson: [ running toward Sigourney ] No, no, no, no! Okay, honey, look, look, look — why don’t you put down the computer and have a glass of wine, okay?

Sigourney Weaver: Ugh!

[ she retreats back into the bedroom ]

Jim Simpson: [ he sighs ] Yeah. You know, it’s been a tough couple of days.

Dave: What are you gonna do?

Jim Simpson: Uhhhh, I don’t know. I don’t know. Before you came, I-I-I hid the power cord, so, right now, I’m kind of waiting for the battery to die out.

[ Sigourney returns with her laptop ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, guys! Look at this! There’s a video of me in my underwear from the first “Alien”, and, in the Comments section, someone named Xylon57 just wrote: “Dat ass!” What does that mean?

Jim Simpson: I-I-I-I don’t know what that means.

Sigourney Weaver: It’s good, right? He also wrote something racist about Barack Obama — but he likes me, right?

Jim Simpson: Yes! I’m sure he likes you, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Sigourney Weaver: [ relieved ] Okay… okay…

Steph: Sigourney, why don’t you come sit down with us?

Sigourney Weaver: [ outraged ] WHAT?!! Look at this!! PinkstaGirl says, “Sigourney Weaver is an old horseface who be straight up nasty!”

Jim Simpson: No-o! Don’t you — you not be that! Nooooo!

Sigourney Weaver: That’s a TERRIBLE thing to write, right?

Jim Simpson: Absolutety! Yes. Sigourney, you can’t pay any attention to that.

Sigourney Weaver: I should SLAP her!

Jim Simpson: No!

Sigourney Weaver: I should SLAP her and her BITCH mouth!

Steph: Oh, no, no! Come on!

Sigourney Weaver: I’m taller than most women, I could really mess her up! I’m SIGOURNEY FREAKIN’ WEAVER!!!

Jim Simpson: Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Okay, now why don’t you come on down here and sit down — sit down the computer, and — [ Sigourney turns and exits ] HEY!! SIGOURNEY!! [ he sighs ]

Dave: Has she always been like this?

Jim Simpson: No. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not before the Internet. No. [ he sits ] She lived her life, you know… she was interested in other people, she was present.

Steph: Oh.

Jim Simpson: She wasn’t this maddening, spiraling narcissist.

Steph: Come on, Jim.

Steph: Jim, are you okay?

Jim Simpson: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Oh, we’ll get through this.

[ Sigourney returns with er laptop, now happy ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, guys! There’s a great nip-slip of me on iSugar.biz — you can TOTALLY see my nipple! [ she shows them ] Do you think men are gonna masturbate to this?

Jim Simpson: Oh, we’re not gonna get through this!

Sigourney Weaver: Do you think women will?

Jim Simpson: Ohhhhh…

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

January 16th, 2010

Sigourney Weaver

The Ting Tings

None

Darrell Hammond

Lorne Michaels

James Cameron

None


Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) moderates the late-night talk show war between Jay Leno (Darrell Hammond) and Conan O’Brien (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Carson Daly.

Transcript

Montage

Sigourney Weaver’s MonologueSummary: Sigourney Weaver reveals she’s no fan of scary movies and is easily frightened, then she reads her father’s original memo for “The Tonight Show”.

Transcript

Grady Wilson’s Fifty and FreakySummary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques for seniors with the aid of a Dutch (Sigourney Weaver).

Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.

Summer’s Eve Lady Stars of Darts Championship 1988Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the Summer’s Eve douche sponsorship flowing in lieu of focusing on darts match between Darcy Vancouver (Kristen Wiig) and Olga “The Wolf Bear” Bogunskaya (Sigourney Weaver).

Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Bill Hader bring James Cameron and Sigourney Weaver onboard for their pitch of “James Cameron’s Laser Cats 5” to Lorne Michaels.

Transcript

Disco Booty JunctionSummary: After Amber and Cream (Sigourney Weaver, Kristen Wiig) perform their disco track, Jerry Field Dushay (Kenan Thompson) can’t get a straight answer about who is who.

The Ting Tings perform “That’s Not My Name”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers compare the late night wars to a husband trying to maintain a marriage with two attractive wives. One year later, Larry the Goose (Andy Samberg) reads the names of geese who died during Flight 1549’s crash-landing. Meryl Streep (Abby Elliott) is extremely humble about being a great actress and a great guest.

Recurring Characters: Larry the Goose.

AvatarSummary: Jake Sully (Bill Hader) has simulated avatar sex with Neytiri (Nasim Pedrad), but comes to regret it.

RileySummary: New kid, Riley (Fred Armisen), has dinner with the family of a friend (Andy Samberg) and calls everyone a bitch with an effeminate tone.

Transcript

Internet BuzzSummary: Sigourney Weaver is distracted from the Golden Globes by her obsession with reading online praise and criticism from web surfers watching her movies.

Transcript

The Ting Tings perform “Shut Up and Let Me Go”

Fire and RiceSummary: Lounge chanteuse Jessica Fire (Signourney Weaver) is fearful of falling off partner Dante Rice’s (Bobby Moynihan) tall piano.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Wedding Toast PoetrySummary: Two sisters (Abby Elliot, Jenny Slate) deliver an inappropriate champagne beat poem to their senator mother (Sigourney Weaver) and her new groom (Will Forte) at the reception.

Planet EarthSummary: Sigourney Weaver is frustrated while narrating footage of animals having sex.

WSDW NewsSummary: A Missouri news anchor (Will Forte) and his on-scene field reporter (Sigourney Weaver) gush over Mark McGwire (Jason Sudeikis) despite his obvious steroid use and presence of his drug dealer (Fred Armisen) selling to him on September 8th, 1998, the day he made baseball history.

Naked JusticeSummary: A landlord (Will Forte) misunderstands the title of the reality court show when he appears nude during the proceedings and shocks the judge (Sigourney Weaver), bailiff (Bill Hader), and the middle-aged plaintiff (Nasim Pedrad) suing him for improper sidewalk maintanence.

SNL Transcripts