Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
May 6th, 2006 Tom Hanks Red Hot Chili Peppers None None Liz Cackowski Bryan Tucker Jorma Taccone Bill Frist’s Gas PlanSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) hears out Bill Frist’s (Tom Hanks) new gas plan, which plays out like a late night infomercial. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Bill Frist. Transcript
Montage
Tom Hanks’ MonologueSummary: Tom Hanks fields questions from clergymen, nuns and Jesus (Jason Sudeikis) about his performance in “The Da Vinci Code.” First Hosted: 85e. Transcript
Wheel of FortuneSummary: Pat Sajak (Tom Hanks) is flabbergasted when a trio of dumb contestants (Amy Poehler, Fred Armisen, Kristiin Wiig) can’t solve the final letter in the phrase “By the s-in of our teeth.”
KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) is excited to babysit Eli’s (Tom Hanks) pet iguana. Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: On the streets of New York City in 1991, three friends (Chris Parnell, Kenan Thompson, Will Forte) sample the new song “Please Don’t Cut My Testicles” by Ariell & Ephraim. Transcript
Universal Theme ParkSummary: Brothers (Tom Hanks, Fred Armisen) standing in line for the “Back to the Future” yell for their disoriented Ma (Rachel Dratch) to locate their whereabouts.
Red Hot Chili Peppers perform “Dani California”First Performed: 91n.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Positioned to join “The View” next Fall, Rosie O’Donnell (Horatio Sanz) comments on her rivalry with Star Jones. Drs. Gunther (Fred Armisen) and Patrick Kelly (Will Forte) debate the immigration reform program with a nonsense song. Recurring Characters: Gunther Kelly, Patrick Kelly.
Claremont Yoga CenterSummary: Laura (Rachel Dratch) is creeped out by the appearance of her sweaty male yoga partner (Tom Hanks).
C-Span After DarkSummary: In an episode of “Colin’s Place”, a political spoof of “Sanford and Son”, Colin Powell (Kenan Thompson) stews about the ongoing situation in Iraq. Recurring Characters: Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice.
Red Hot Chili Peppers perform “Give It Away”
Tennis PlayersSummary: One-armed Richard (Tom Hanks) learns that his tennis partner (Will Forte) has replaced him with a three-armed player (Chris Parnell). However, Richard has a trick up his sleeve, as well. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts A Day Without an ImmigrantSummary: When an illegal immigrant housekeeper (Maya Rudolph) takes the day off to join the local boycott, her employers’ (Tom Hanks, Amy Poehler) home life turns to chaos.
Head LiceSummary: Insert live beetles in your hair to get rid of lice.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A cop (Andy Samberg) has a difficult time eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.
Gump: The MusicalSummary: In the year 2031, a disgruntled Tom Hanks resumes his lead role in “Gump: The Musical.”
JanitorsSummary: Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) and a fellow janitor (Tom Hanks) are accused of stealing from the office where they clean. Recurring Characters: Vasquez.
Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around the airport.
The ReceptionistSummary: An ugly receptionist (Fred Armisen) annoys visitors to the office.
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short”]
[ Cut to Lorne Michaels’ office where Andy Samberg and Bill Hader are about to offer a proposal to their boss.]
Bill Hader: Lorne, thank you so much for taking the time out to talk. You will not be sorry!
Lorne Michaels: I’m sure, what’s up?
Andy Samberg: Bill and I stayed up all night brainstorming, and we decided that there are two things that everyone loves!
Bill Hader: Cats and lasers!
Andy Samberg: Thats right! Cats and lasers!
[ Cut to Lorne looking a bit skeptical.]
Andy Samberg: So we went out and shot a short film, all on our own thats full of both!
Bill Hader: Cats and lasers, and I’ve gotta tell you, it came out great! And I–I think it would be perfect for the show.
Lorne Michaels: I don’t know, it doesn’t sound good.
Andy Samberg: Okay, thats fair, but I think you should watch it before you make any final decisions.
[Andy holds up the tape as he and Bill look confident, and put a video tape reading “Laser Cats!” in Lorne’s VCR.]
[Cut to a picture of the universe and words read over by a V/O reading:]
V/O: In the future, there was a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of….LASER CATS!
[Cut to Andy, now as Admiral Spaceship, and Bill, now as Nitro, running around Central Park with toy cats in their arms shooting continuously at the same villain as the titles above the screen read: “Starring: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Written by: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Directed by: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Cut to the duo now behind a large rock, holding two large, real cats.]
Nitro: Thanks for saving my life earlier today, Admiral Spaceship. I owe you one.
Admiral Spaceship: As long as we have cats that shoot lasers out of their mouths, we’ll be okay.
Nitro: Oh geez! I’m getting a transmission from base!
[Nitro listens into a headset and starts to press his shoulder strap that reads “Nitro!” as a sound effect beeps along with it.]
Nitro: Hello? The princess has been kidnapped!
Admiral Spaceship: [whispers] Robo-tron!
[The duo cock their laser cats.]
Nitro: Lets roll.
[Cut to the duo in what looks like the control room in NBC Studios, they pull a lever as they lean back to make the effect that they’re being pushed back so hard in their “spaceship”.]
[Cut to Admiral and Nitro walking down NBC Studios.]
Admiral Spaceship: Boy, I can’t wait to get back to home base.
Nitro: [says as he keeps walking down the hallway nonchalant] Hey, look out! Its a bad guy!
Admiral Spaceship: I got ’em partner!
[Admiral Spaceship jumps at the bad guy and shoots him with his laser cat as he falls to the ground.]
[Cut to two stray cats “shooting” lasers out of their mouths as Admiral and Nitro turn the corner.]
Both: STRAYS!
[The duo begin to dodge lasers from the strays and fight them off as the scene cuts back to Lorne watching from his office, soaking in the mediocrity as Andy and Bill are hunched watching the tv in suspense munching on peanuts, when Admiral Spaceship and Nitro high five each other, they begin to smile in approval and relief.]
[The scene cuts back to the whole movie as Admiral Spaceship rolls across the NBC Cafateria and hides behind a lunch line. He gives Nitro a single with his middle and index fingers pointing to his eyes and then Nitro’s. Nitro is behind the corner, opens and closes his palm, and then begins to point frantically to his left.]
Admiral Spaceship: I don’t–what is that?
[Cut to Nitro and Admiral Spaceship hiding behind lunch tables looking at the “princess”.]
Admiral Spaceship: [whispers] There’s the princess! We’re going to rescue!
[The two jump at Lindsay’s lunch table as she is eating lunch and reviewing her script.]
Nitro: Princess, you’re being saved, by us!
Admiral Spaceship: Now that we’ve rescued you, who would you say you like better.
Nitro: [whispers off camera] Say Nitro! Nitro!
[Lindsay looks confused as to why they’ve come up to her. Cut to Lindsay now with a princess tiara on her head.]
Admiral Spaceship: Now…say you had sex with both of us! [Lindsay seems not to understand what he said the first time] Say you had sex with both of us!
Lindsay Lohan: [disgusted] What?! See, that’s enough! [Lindsay begins to get up from the table.]
[Cut to the Princess’ double now at the table with a long black wig on.]
Princess’ Double: I had sex with both you guys.
[Admiral Spaceship and Nitro look into the camera triumphantly. Cut to Andy trying to put the tiara back on Lindsay when she is making a phone call. She puts her hand up at him.]
Nitro: Let’s get out of here!
[The duo cock their cats. Cut to Admiral Spaceship and Nitro walking down the hallway.]
Nitro: Partner, looks like everything’s gonna be alright!
Admiral Spaceship: You said it!
[Cut to down the other side of the hallway Will Forte dressed in a giant foil covered cardboard box and an aluminum foil mask as Robo-tron.]
Robo-tron: [robotic voice] Puny humans, prepare to die!
Admiral Spaceship: Robo-tron!
[Robo-tron holds up a real cat as it begins to shoot lasers at them. The duo begins to battle robo-tron with their toy cats as Nitro’s runs out of ammo.]
Nitro: Oh no! I’m out of ammo!
Admiral Spaceship: Take my spare!
[Admiral Spaceship throws a toy cat to Nitro, they begin to shoot at Robo-tron again when Admiral Spaceship is shot twice. Nitro turns the corner and begins to shoot at Robo-tron with a machine gun like cat.]
Nitro: [half-heartedly] AHH!
[Nitro shoots at Robo-tron to the point where he explodes and falls to the ground. Nitro then tends to the fallen Admiral Spaceship.]
Nitro: [whispers] Admiral Spaceship!
Admiral Spaceship: Looks like this was a one way ticket, eh kimosabe?
Nitro: Damn these laser cats!
Admiral Spaceship: [whispers quieter and quieter] No, not the laser cats. Damn….us…
Nitro: You stay with me! You stay with me!
[Admiral Spaceship dies dramatically as Nitro begins to cry.]
Nitro: NOO!
[The shot goes up to white words that read “The End”. Cut back to Lorne’s office where Lorne looks up at Bill and Andy with dead expression on his face. Bill and Andy are smiling at their creation.]
Andy Samberg: So?
Bill Hader: What do you think?
Lorne Michaels: Get out.
Bill Hader: [same expression as before.] Okay!
Andy Samberg: [same expression as before.] Sounds good!
[The two leave Lorne’s office as the screen fades to black.]
Neil….Will Forte Jean….Kristen Wiig Sally….Lindsay Lohan Young guy 1….Bill Hader Young guy 2….Andy Samberg Waitress….Rachel Dratch Bartender….Chris Parnell
[Opens with a Sports Bar. Ultra-nerd Neil with hisvest, tie and eyeglasses. Jean with grandma clothes,outdated hairdo. Sally is similar to Jean but a littlebetter-looking, eyeglasses. They stand at the entranceof the pub]
Neil: Here we are.
Jean: I can’t tell you how long its been since I’vebeen to a bar. Certainly a matter of years, quitepossibly 3 quarters of a decade.
Sally: Yeah, you know we always talk about going foran after work drink and I’m just…I’m really excitedwe’re actually doing it. This is thrilling.
Neil: I think is important as co-workers to get a feelfor the others outside of work and in that way I thinkit helps develop a better work atmosphere.
Jean: You know, I can’t recall the last time I wentout socially period. And I am counting high school.
Neil: I hate to trump you but I did go out a fair dealin high school which helped me cut my teeth socially.You know, various sock hops, mandatory field trips anda few wild errands.
Jean: Well I too am happy that we did this. Hey look,an open table. I wonder who we ask about uh, this table?
[Empty table in front of them]
Neil: Do you, uh, see a host or hostess? Some sort ofmaitre d’? And whose name should we give them?
Sally: Uh, guys, I’m gonna take mine out of therunning because mine’s often misspelled.
Neil: I’m gonna take mine out too. I’m imagining thereare more than a few Neils in here.
Sally: Hmm, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we make up aname and give it to them? That could be kind of fun.
Jean: What if to claim our table you’re required toshow some sort of identification card?
Sally: Jean, I guess I didn’t think it through, Jean.
Neil: None of us did, Sally. None of us did. Maybe we should just leave.
[They’re ready to leave. Waitress pass in front of them]
Waitress: You guys can sit wherever you want.
Jean: Thank you.
Neil: Oh, ok.
Sally: All right.
Jean: There’s this table here that we’ve just beentalking about, in the interim I’ve noticed anothertable towards the back has opened up, Oh, ok, it’s gone. Someone took that one. Ok.
Neil: Maybe just go with the original table then? It’sfairly clean. Doesn’t look to be a wobbler. All in favor?
Jean: Aye.
Sally: Aye.
Neil: All opposed?
[Silence]
Jean: All right. Then the original table it is. [Twoyoung guys with beers take the table in front of trio]Someone took that table as well. I guess you gottahave some hot feet around here.
Sally: Ha, ha, ha. Funny. You’re funny, Jean.
Neil: What say we head to the bar? Uh, I hope stoolseating is all right for you ladies. Its not myfavorite due to a lack of back support. But, uh, whatever.
[The trio moves to the bar]
Sally: Speaking of back support, my new office chairhas really helped out my lumbar region.
Jean: I didn’t know you had back problems Sally.
Sally: Well I do. I really, really do.
Neil: What do you say we get a drink?
Jean: Good idea. Now is everyone here is gonna getsomething with alcohol?
Sally: I’d better not. You know, I took an Aleveyesterday for a sandal-related foot cramp and I don’tknow if its in my system or not.
Neil: I didn’t know you wear sandals Sally.
Sally: Well I don’t. I don’t, I don’t wear them towork. I only wear them on vacation, you know, weekends.
Jean: Well, that explains it.
Neil: I’m going to have a chardonnay.
Jean: Make it two. And I’ll have mine with a couple of ice cubes.
Sally: Oh, mess it. Make it three.
Neil: Sally….
Jean: Sally, are you sure?
Sally: You heard me. Sometimes you just got to say”oh, what the mess”!.
[Bowl of peanuts on the bar]
Jean: Oh,look, hello? Someone left their peanuts here on the bar.
Sally: What a waste of peanuts. Why do they orderpeanuts if they’re not going to finish them?
Jean: That’s America, Sally. Plain and simple. Its a problem.
[Bartender appears]
Neil: Excuse me. Three chardonnays, please. Twowithout ice. Jean, Sally, the drinks should be here really soon.
Jean: I’m excited.
[Close-up on the clock. Time passes]
Jean: So, how is this going to work?
Neil: Well, I would start by kissing Sally about herlips, neck and sternum. And Jean, you would take offmy pants while I remove both of your stockings with mymouth. From there I would proceed….[Close-up on theclock, more time passes]….and then we will eachremove our native American headdresses then all showertogether. Remove the tape from the camera, rewind itand look back fondly on the sensual unprotectedjourney we have taken.
Jean: I think that sounds really nice.
Sally: You know, I got to say I’m really excited aboutmaking strange love to the two of you tonight.
Neil: We should probably get out of here. Shall wecarpool or each take our separate cars, or–?
Sally: Well, do you think its safe to leave our carshere, you know, overnight?
Jean: You know, i said it before and I’ll say itagain. That’s America. Its a problem.
Lindsay Lohan: I just want to say “Thank you!” to Peal Jam – the cast – “Saturday Night Live” – the crew – everybody at home – Lorne Michaels – my family – my brother – friends – and the Easter Bunny – and —
[ having had enough, NBC affiliates across America promptly cut Lohan off and broadcast a more heartfelt commercial for “Deal Or No Deal” ]
[Opens with an outside shot of Le Rendezvousrestaurant. Cut to inside of it, 2 couples share atable. They have just finished dinner. A blondewaitress brings dessert]
Waitress: Ok, here it is….you asked for it. Oursignature dessert, Chocolate Vesivius.
[Puts dessert on the table. “Ohh’s” and “Aahh’s” fromthe couples at the table]
Waitress: I brought you extra spoons.
[They each pick a spoon. Young girl goes first]
Lindsay: Oh, my God, ok.[takes a bite]Mmmm, Oh, myGod, you guys![slams fist on the table]Oh, my God!
Fred: Is it good?
Lindsay: Oh, my God! Yes!
Rachel: Ok, I gotta taste this.[takes a bite andstarts doing a snake dance]Meow-meow, meow-meow,meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.[2 big slams of her hand onthe table]
Fred: Wow, ok, let me try a little bit.[takes a bite,throws the spoon on the table, gets up and points tothe dessert]MMMMM!!!!-MMMMMMM!!!-MMMMM!!!!
Jason: Ok, all right, I gotta try it. Just a littlebit though, I shouldn’t….[takes a bite, getsup]WHAT?!, WHAT?!,ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!,WHAT?![sitsback down]Oh, damn it!, oh, hell. Whooo, whooo, whoo.
Lindsay:[extends her arm]Somebody take my pulse. Ithink I died and gone to chocolate heaven!
Fred: Get it out of here, get it out—I don’t want it.
Rachel: I gotta take another bite.[takes bite,gets upand swings her purse over her head and throws itaway]YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH!, YEAH! WHOOOO!!!
[They keep enjoying the orgasmic dessert]
Fred: Ooohh.
Jason: Yeah!
Lindsay: Mmmm-mmm.
Jason:[makes sounds like a beat box]WHOOOO!!!!
Fred:[crying]Why? Why do they make these things so good?
Jason:Mmmm-mmmm.
Rachel:[licking spoon] What is it? What is it?
Lindsay:[gets up and points at the dessert]What isthat? What’s inside that cake?
Jason: It’s so good.
Lindsay: This cake is like—what is it? A hot browniebatter? Oh, you dirty chocolate bitch![throws spoon at the dessert]
Jason: Oh, you are a dirty bitch.
Fred: Yeah, dirty, dirty.
Jason:[gets cross eyed]Oh! I’ve gone blind! Thechocolate made me go blind! I can’t see a thing!
Fred:[stops waiter and takes plates from his tray]Oh,God! You know what? You know what? I gotta saythis—[starts to break the plates over his head]Youknow what? That’s what I say! It’s unbelievable!
Rachel:[face smeared with chocolate]Oh, my God!There’s ice cream down there!
Jason: ICE CREAM!
Fred: ICE CREAM!
[Dig into the deseert with their hands, their facesare dirty with chocolate]
Jason: GET OUT OF THE WAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY![grabswaiter by the neck]What’d you feed me?!
Waiter: Get your hands—[gets put on a headlock andpunched in the face 3 times]
Jason: GET OUT OF HERE!
[They are now growling around the table, a mess ofchocolate all over the table, faces all filthy withchocolate stains]
Rachel:[jumps on the table, knife in her hand]STANDBACK! STAND BACK! THE REST IS MINE! THE REST ISMINE![crazed screams]
Fred:[pulls on his tie as in auto-erotic asphyxiation,licks spoon]Oh,yeah, oh, yeah, oh,yeah.Mmmmmm-mmmmmm.[moans in pleasure]
Waitress: Are you guys done with this?
[The foursome growl and give primal screams to thewaitress, she flees in terror]
Jason: Aaaahh, get out of here!
Rachel:[makes monkey sounds]
Fred:[starts trashing the restaurant]No way, man!!It’s too good![breaks a chair in a customer’s back] Too good!!
Lindsay:[picks Jason up into the air, circles himaround]Sweet Mariah! Chocolate Vesuvius!![slams himinto the floor, Jason jumps up like nothing happened]
Waitress: Can I—can I get anybody anything else?
Jason:[normal and gentle again]Yes, the check would be great.
Waitress: Okay.[leaves the check]
Jason: Thank you.
Rachel:[normal again, points at his face]You’ve got a little something.
Jason: Where? Up here?
Fred:[normal]No, down.
Jason: Over here?
Rachel: Right there.[points]
Jason: Where? Like this far down.[stretches necktrying to find the stain]
[ A cascade of water whirls THROUGHOUT the screen and stops. Two girls, LINSDAY LOHAN & KRISTEN WIIG, dance onto the center. Bumping and grinding. Lindsay faces the camera. ]
Girl #1: There’s hand moisturizer for your hands.
[ Lindsay shows both her palms. Both resume dancing. ]
Girl #2: And face moisturizer for your face.
[ Kristen makes a goofy face. The girls continue to bump. ]
Girl #1: What about moisturizer for your coin slot?
[ A finger points to Lindsay’s butt crack. Her face turns serious. ]
Girl #2: With today’s low-cut fashions, your coin slot is exposed to both sun and wind.
Girl #1: That can leave your slot dry and flaky.
[ An ANIMATED rendering of a rear end displays damages of UV rays. ]
Girl #1: Introducing new “Coin Slot Creme” by Neutrogena.
[ Lindsay holds a bottle of the product w/Kristen by her side. An EXTREME CLOSE-UP of the product displays itself with water splashes around it. ]
Girl #2: A cleansing lotion designed especially for your coin slot.
[ Kristen points to her butt crack. ]
[ Another ANIMATED rendering shows a drop of “Coin Slot Creme” removing the effects of harmul UV rays to the coin slot. ]
Announcer: Neutrogena’s “Coin Slot” hydrates and replenishes while moving unwanted dirt and oil. Leaving your skin smooth and silky.
Girl #1: Peace out, coin slot dryness!
Girl #2: “Coin Slot Creme” should not be used on your arms…
Girl #1: Legs…
Girl #2: Face…
Girl #1: Shoulders…
Girl #2: Or upper back.
Girl #1: So don’t go there!
[ The girls return to bumping and grinding. ]
Announcer: “Coin Slot Creme” by Neutrogena.
Both: Kick coin slot dryness to the curb!
[ Both women perform a high-kick. ]
[ A SUPERIMPOSED image of the logo remains front and center on-screen. ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 31: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 15th, 2006 Lindsay Lohan Pearl Jam None Lorne Michaels John Lutz Liz Cackowski Jorma Taccone The Situation RoomSummary: Wolf Blitzer (Chris Parnell) interviews members of President George W. Bush’s ever-changing cabinet. Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, David Gregory, Norah O’Donnell.
MontageNote: Though credited, Maya Rudolph and Horatio Sanz do not appear in this episode.
Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: Lindsay Lohan tackles past demons with a little help from the Easter Bunny (Kenan Thompson). First Hosted: 03r.
Neutrogena Coin Slot CreamSummary: Moisturizer that soothes the female ass crack. Transcript
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to mock the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee. (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up. Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, Tiara Zee, DJ Dimitrios, DJ Frontal Assault.
TV FunhouseSummary: In a promo for “Journey to the Disney Vault”, a pair of kids discover the horrors of Walt Disney’s secret passions in life, as well as a plethora of lame cartoon sequels on DVD.
The O’Reilly FactorRecurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, Newt Gingrich.
Le RendezvousSummary: A group of diners (Lindsay Lohan, Jason Sudeikis, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen) express extreme enthusiasm for their exceptionally delicious end-of-meal dessert. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg present Lorne Michaels with their homemade sci-fi video for “Laser Cats!”, in which they run through the hlals of Studio 8-H furing lasers out of cats’ mouthes. Transcript
Pearl Jam performs “World Wide Suicide”First Performed: 91q.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Meteorologist Stormy Windbreaker (Seth Meyers) gives an apocalyptic forecast. Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis). Recurring Characters: Taylor Hicks.
Debbie DownerSummary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) joins her friends for a bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.
Introverts’ Night OutSummary: Introverted co-workers Neil (Will Forte), Jean (Kristen Wiig) and Sally (Lindsay Lohan) finally make it out of the office to indulge in a bar’s social scene, which eventually opens them up to the possibility of a threesome. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Natalie Portman. Transcript
Pearl Jam performs “Severed Hand”
Turner Classic Movies: Movie ArchivesSummary: Robert Osborne (Darrell Hammond) presents clips from the forgotten Ann-Margaret (Lindsay Lohan) and Liberace (Fred Armisen) musical comedy, “Atlantic City Fever.” Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne, Liberace, Ann-Margret.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Head LiceSummary: Insert live roaches in your hair to get rid of lice.
Monday Morning AssemblySummary: More morning announcements, as re-enacted by the West Bedford High School Drama Club.
CarlSummary: A punk princess (Lindsay Lohan) picks on her stepfather, Carl (Chris Parnell).
The RestaurantSummary: A waiter (Finesse Mitchell) sprays water on diners, while a waitress (Lindsay Lohan) puts her hair in their food.
Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.
MortgageSummary: A spokesman (Chris Parnell) talks about getting a mortgage.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg has trouble eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.
(Opens with an action scene in progress from “The Legend of Zorro” on a Mexican villa movie set, fountain in the middle, Zorro and Ms.Zeta Jones character sword fight with the bad guys. Zorro punches guy, Ms.Zeta Jones strikes guy with sword, Zorro strikes guy with sword. Ms. Zeta Jones and Zorro are back to back.)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Mi Amor!! You did it! You saved California!
Antonio/Zorro: No, we saved California!
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh!(Leans for a kiss, Antonio signals no and pulls away)
Gary: And…Cut! All right, all right. Nice job, nice job. Excellent, excellent.
Antonio Banderas: Thank you everyone. I´m afraid I cannot continue with this scene so at this time I bid you adieu. I´ll be in my chair.(Walks off set)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: OK, what´s going on Gary? What happened to the kiss?
Gary: OK, uh, how do I say this? Umm, Antonio is really freaked out about germs and this avian bird flu thing.
Antonio: Yeah, and herpes too!
Gary: Yeah, that´s right and herpes too.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well, I don´t have herpes.
Gary: Look, I´m pretty sure you don´t. But this agent is threatening to pull him from the picture if he has to do any kissing.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: This is crazy!
(Faked concern)
Gary: I know!! Right!?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Antonio won´t kiss me because he thinks I have the bird flu?
Gary: “A” I´m not here to judge anybody. “B” What you did in Asia with birds is your business. And “C” some of my best friends have herpes.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I don´t have herpes!
Gary: Whatever, look don´t worry. We have a great stand-in and he looks just like Antonio.
(Next to Antonio poses a fat guy practicing sword movements dressed like Zorro, Antonio gets up and introduces the guy)
Antonio Banderas: Everyone, it is my absolute pleasure to introduce to you my cousin/stand-in, Miguelito. Miguelito, this is Catherine.
Miguelito: It is an honor to meet you miss Catherine Zeta “Hones”. (Checks her out)And may I say you have a lovely set of “Hones”!
(Not amused)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Excuse me. Are you talking about my chest?
(Antonio interferes)
Antonio Banderas: Uh-huh, you have trouble understanding the language of amore, miss “Hones”. What he meant to say is you have very lovely “tetas”. (tits)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh, gross!
Gary: Hey!, can we please be professional, Catherine?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: What!?
Gary: (mocking) What?! OK, everybody quiet on the set and let´s roll sound!
Antonio Banderas: And I will sit here and stare at you guys make out big time. (Sits next to Gary)
AD: “Legend of Zorro” Scene 48, take one. (Clack!)
Gary: And, Action!
(On set, Catherine and Miguelito back to back)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Mi amor! You did it! You saved California!
Miguelito: No problemo! I did it for you! So we could kiss like 2 giraffes sucking the milk out of a coconut! (Tires to aggressively kiss her, Ms. Zeta Jones pulls back)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh, OK cut! That´s not the line! Can we cut?
Antonio Banderas: No,no,no. Perfecto! Great acting, Miguelito! Good, good, good.
Gary: Yeah, Catherine, what´s wrong? That was going great.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, it wasn´t! Where did you get this guy, Gary? He´s horrible!
Antonio Banderas: I found him passed out in my jacuzzi.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I thought you said he was your cousin.
Antonio Banderas: Well, he´s like a cousin to me.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Well, he smells like a corpse.
Antonio Banderas: Don´t worry about that. Miguelito get on top of her and do the tonguey-tonguey thing.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I am seriously going to throw up.
Miguelito: What a beautiful coincidence, my love! I threw up not 5 minutes ago! (Bows) Word to the wise! Stay away from the fish and bean chalupas. Is…not so good.
Gary: Awesome, awesome. All right, let´s do…what did Fellini called it? “Face intercourse”.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Oh, shut up, Gary!
Gary: You know what? You´re right Catherine. I´m really sorry about this…KISS HER NOW, MIGUELITO!!!
Antonio Banderas: YEAH, KISS HER!!
Gary: GET HER!!
(Miguelito tries once more but Catherine pushes away hard)
Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, you didn´t even say the line!! Please!!
Gary: Ok, all right everyone! That´s lunch. Back in an hour. Fish and bean chalupas are in Miguelito´s trailer. So get those while they´re there. Let´s do that.
[they sip and make appreciative sounds, and also chuckle continually in response to the others’ comments]
Woman: Oh, this is a big red.
Copeland: It’s too big.
Woman: Yes.
Copeland: Enormous.
Woman: Let’s pull out something a little lighter. Any requests, Roberto?
Roberto: A merlot?
Copeland: That’s fine.
Woman: Yes, merlot, slumming it.
[they chuckle]
[the woman sets out three glasses, Copeland pours the wine, and they all smell it]
Roberto: Oh, she is ambitious. Is anyone getting a bit of aftershave lotion?
Copeland: Perhaps. And maybe a hint of snow, and electronics?
Woman: Yes, and a ship’s hull?
Roberto: Of course, usually I think of a merlot as a dirty whore who sweats on my bed and leave my bathroom floor stained with vomit, [he sips] but this wine is a date you could take to meet your family.
Woman: Yes.
Copeland: If they were still speaking to you. Wonderful.
Woman: Wonderful.
Copeland: Roberto, have you found a place to live?
Roberto: Yes, I have. It’s a fantastic situation, really. I now live with an old woman in her dead son’s bedroom. It is free as long as I answer to the name Marty.
Copeland: Oh, wonderful.
Woman: [sets out three more glasses] You know what else is wonderful? You have got to try this zin.
Copeland: [pouring the wine] You know, I find that zinfandel has a seductive character that says, [he puts his finger to his lips] “Shh! Let’s not talk.”
Woman: I agree, Copeland. This is very chewey. [they all smell the wine] Mmm, what is that? Ooh, it’s making me nostalgic. What is that?
Copeland: Oh, oh, I know. The last time we had this vintage, I had a gun in my mouth.
Woman: That’s right. And I was holding that gun in your mouth.
Roberto: Yes, gun-metal. That’s what I’m getting.
Woman: Yes.
Copeland: What a night.
Woman: Wow. Oh, Roberto, we have a surprise for you.
Roberto: Oh, I’m getting so excited, I’m going to wet my pants. [Copeland produces a very large bottle] Oh, what is this? What is this? Oh, my God!
[the woman sets out three glasses the size of fishbowls]
Copeland: This is a bottle we stole from a tomb in Prague. We actually don’t know what it is.
Woman: Yes, it was during our whole grave-robbing phase. Do you remember that, Copeland?
Copeland: [pouring the wine] No, I do not remember any of it.
Woman: Okay, who’s ready? Let’s really get into this, guys, okay? [they all take a deep breach and put their faces into the glasses to smell the wine] Okay, here we go.
[after a few moments, each lifts his or her head to talk, and all of their faces are stained with wine]
Roberto: This is mysterious. Do I detect swordplay?
Copeland: Yes, yes, and treason?
Woman: Is anyone getting werewolves?
Copeland: Arresting, don’t you think, Roberto?
Roberto: Well, it sounds great, but it tastes horrendous. It is like a woman who is only attractive from the back.
Woman: Absolutely. Yes, Copeland, and yes, Roberto.
…..Tina Fey …..Amy Poehler Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond Chad Michael Murray…..Will Forte …..Chris Kattan
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.
The Senate on Thursday failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain. While those who have been here between two and five years would have to leave but could return as guest workers, and immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees.
Former House majority leader Tom Delay, still embroiled in a lobbying scandal, said Monday that he will not run for re-election and will leave Congress in a few months. Delay says he will spend his free time doing what he loves most – slapping ice-cream cones out of children’s hands.
Before saying goodbye to one of America’s most powerful Congressmen, let’s take a look back at Tom Delay’s journey through Congress.
(a brief video montage plays to the song “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter)
(at the end of the montage the “American Idol” intro is heard)
Tina Fey: Remember, America, you have to vote for your favorites to keep them around! Back to you, Amy.
Amy Poehler: President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinatti’s Great American Ballpark. Eighteen Iraqis were killed.
According to Washington insiders, White House press secretary Scott McClellan could be the next official to leave the Bush administration. McClellan says he’d like to spend more time lying for his family.
Tina Fey: It was announced this week that “Today Show” host Katie Couric will anchor the CBS Evening News starting this fall. Here with a comment, is former CBS Evening News anchor, Dan Rather.
(pan to Dan Rather, applause)
Dan Rather: Well, Tina, when my good friend Sean McManus, the president of CBS News, called me up and told me he named Katie Couric as my permanent replacement, I must have laughed for five minutes. And then he said, “I’m serious”, and I laughed for another five minutes, because Sean McManus is quite a prankster. That when he finally convinced me that he had indeed hired Katie Couric, I said, “Delightful.” Some in the boys’ club known as network news might be reluctant to accept this perky young gal, but not this old news hound, who made his bones in the trenches of Vietnam and in ’63 was the first person to report on that frightful day in Dallas. I have nothing but admiration for miss Couric. What some of my colleagues might be forgetting is the report she did just recently, on how to party hardy at your prom for only pennies. (pause) Buddy, that was a biggie. I’m anxious to see her bring the acumen she received from morning news to reach a new audience with her investigative look, into the diversity of cooking with a bell pepper. Mm mm, good.
Tina Fey: So, do you think it will be a big adjustment going from the Today Show to Nightly News?
Dan Rather: Might be a few speed bumps at the start. When challenged by something as dry as the immigration bill, she’ll wish she could still batter with Matt Lauer, her co-host of twelve years, and the type of man we used to call “pretty”. But don’t forget, folks, Katie is tough as nails, and the Today Show is a news program. Just look who they chose to replace miss Couric, none other than Meredith Vieira, the smart as a whip co-host from the ladies’ think tank known as The View. And need I remind you, I worked with Meredith over at 60 Minutes, and although she couldn’t cut it there, I think she’ll be a valuable asset to the Today Show. Actually, Tina, I’m surprised they didn’t ask one of you lovely ladies to take over for Katie.
Amy Poehler: Oh, they asked me to do it, and I was thinking about it.
Tina Fey: Yeah, they asked me too but I said there was no way I was gonna let Amy do it.
Dan Rather: Well, in conclusion, I wish Katie Couric the best of luck at that network, or the network that served me so well, and if I could ask a special favour, from one news anchor to another, I’d be happier than an Indian drowning in fire water if you could have the band Rascal Flatts on your Nightly News Summer Concert series. Dan Rather, good night.
Tina Fey: Dan Rather, everybody.
Amy Poehler: A new study says that sexually charged music, magazines, TV and movies push youngsters into intercourse at an earlier age. Also pushing youngster into intercourse, me.
Tina Fey: Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia and South Carolina have proposed bills that would outlaw “hog dogging”, which is an event where a dog viciously attacks a wild hog in a fenced-in area. This Sunday on NBC Sports.
View co-host Meredith Vieira will reportedly be paid 40 million dollars to replace Katie Couric on the Today Show. Getting out of Star Jones’ perfume/fart cloud? Priceless. Congratulations Meredith, you’re out.
Amy Poehler: Police in Los Angeles are investigating a report by Paula Abdul, that a man slammed her into a wall during an argument at a party, giving her a concussion. Doctors became concerned when Abdul began speaking clearly and making sense.
Tina Fey: In a recent interview, Tom Cruise revealed his prorities for the summer, saying, (imitating Tom Cruise) “First, the baby. Then, the film. Then, in the summer we want to get married. Then, we’re gonna eat the baby.”
Amy Poehler: Barbara Walters is denying a London Times claim that she tap danced as a child under the name Babs Elliott, saying, “That’s just an urban myth.” Although she did admit to doing porno in the ’70s, under the name Lispy Canyons.
Tina Fey: In, uh, in entertainment news this week, Chad Michael Murray announced that he is engaged to Kenzie Dalton, and 18-year-old extra from the hit WB show One Tree Hill. This comes after just a five month marriage to Sophia Bush, another co-star from One Tree Hill. Here to talk about his love life, is Chad Michael Murray.
(pan to Chad Michael Murray, applause)
Chad Michael Murray: Whazzup?
Amy Poehler: Wow, wow. Chad Michael Murray, you look really good tonight.
Chad Michael Murray: Thanks, Amy. I know.
Amy Poehler: Hey, oh, and can I just say that I love One Tree Hill.
Tina Fey: You’ve never seen One Tree Hill!
Amy Poehler: (to Tina) Schh, quiet.
Tina Fey: So, okay, so Chad–
Chad Michael Murray: (interrupts) Michael Murray, Tina.
Tina Fey: Okay, so Chad Michael Murray, this is the second woman in a year that you’ve worked with that you’ve asked to marry you.
Chad Michael Murray: I assure you that is a coincidence. You know, I’m not gonna let the fact that I work with these people get in the way of how much I love them.
Tina Fey: Okay, well that, that sort of makes sense, I guess. Sure.
Chad Michael Murray: I know it does, Tina. Because I’m Chad Michael Murray. Now, uh, will you marry me?
Tina Fey: No, what? No.
Chad Michael Murray: Ha ha. That’s strange. Must people I work with tend to want to marry me. Okay, what about you, Amy?
Amy Poehler: Oh yeah, absolutely!
Tina Fey: Amy, you’re married.
Amy Poehler: To a Canadian! This is Chad Michael Murray.
Tina Fey: But you’re already married!
Amy Poehler: My husband will understand. Chad Michael Murray is a celebrity I’m allowed to leave him for.
Tina Fey: What celebrity can he leave you for?
Amy Poehler: Chad Michael Murray.
Chad Michael Murray: What can I say, Tina.
Tina Fey: Well, you’re getting married to a Kenzie Dalton, is that right?
Chad Michael Murray: Ah, and I love her so much. I mean, she is the one. She is… one of the ones.
Tina Fey: Wait a minute, she- she’s “one of the ones”?
Chad Michael Murray: Well, you know, there are a lot of people at One Tree Hill, you know, uh… (shows his hands from underneith the desk, completely covered with rings) This is Donna (points to a ring) from craft services, you know. I love her. She’s my sun and my moon, she’s everything to me. This is Tia (points to another ring), the production designer, she is my Saturn, she’s my Jupiter. This is Brenda (points to another ring), she does hair or make up, one of those. I love her. Ah, she is like the rays around Saturn.
Tina Fey: Okay, we get it, yeah. Is there anyone you’re not married to from your show?
Chad Michael Murray: Sophia Bush. I am currently divorced from her, but I am keeping the ring because I think there’s a good chance I might marry her again. So, yeah, but this entire hand is from One Tree Hill.
Tina Fey: Who’s on the other hand?
Chad Michael Murray: Oh yeah, well I did a movie last summer, so.
Tina Fey: So that’s a lot of rings. What happens if you do another movie?
Chad Michael Murray: Well, I’ll start on the toes. And then after my feet are filled, I have a pretty good idea of where I’ll go next.
Tina Fey: Euw.
Chad Michael Murray: My penis, Tina.
Tina Fey: Yeah, I got it! Yeah, double euw. Chad Michael Murray, everyone. The boring guy from Freaky Friday.
Amy Poehler: This coming Wednesday marks the first night of the Jewish holiday of passover, so if you see a doorway smeared with blood, don’t be alarmed, it just means the Angel of Death is coming to kill Egyptian children.
Tina Fey: On Tuesday, Coke is launching Coca-Cola Blak, which is a soda that blends Coke, natural flavors and coffee essence. Just like your garbage disposal.
Scientists have discovered a fossile of a 375 million year-old fish with a reptilian jaw and a swivelling neck that they say is a long-sought missing link between fish and walking land creatures. Disturbingly, they found it in a Red Lobster fried seafood platter.
According to a new study, migrating tree frogs are responsible for- (a knock is heard)
Amy Poehler: Oh, oh Tina, someone’s at the Update door.
Tina Fey: Wow, that hasn’t happened in a long time, lets see.
(Chris Kattan walks in)
Tina Fey: Oh, hey, it’s Chris Kattan, everybody!
(Tina returns to her chair, with Kattan standing in between them)
Tina Fey: Nice to see you.
Chris Kattan: Hi, hi Amy. Hi, Tina.
Tina Fey: What, Chris, are you mad at me about something?
Chris Kattan: Yeah, no, yeah, I’m a little bit mad that no one called me when Antonio Banderas was hosting. I mean, did like, all of a sudden we all forgot that Antonio Banderas was like my most famous character? Ever?
Tina Fey: Really? It wasn’t Mango?
Chris Kattan: Which one was Mango? The one with the apple?
Amy Poehler: No, no! That was mr. Peepers!
Chris Kattan: Oh, was that the one with the, the pink swastika?
Tina Fey: No, that was Gay Hitler.
Chris Kattan: Oh yeah, Gay Hitler!
(they all start laughing)
Chris Kattan: That was so funny, I remember Gay Hitler! (imitating Tina Fey) “Gay Hitler, everybody everybody!” That was relly good stuff, I remember that. (he stops laughing) No, but seriously, you guys are jerks.
Tina Fey: Well, you know, Chris, with all due respect, I don’t think that Antonio Banderas scene was a popular as you remember.
Chris Kattan: WHAT?! Oh my God!
Amy Poehler: You know, Chris, people have been watching Antonio all night. Are you sure that your impression will hold up to that kind of scrutiny?
Chris Kattan: No, I don’t think it will. But I’m gonna do it anyway, Amy.(Mexican guitar-playing is heard)
Chris Kattan: (turns to camera, imitating Antonio Banderas) Hello. I am Antonio… y Banderas. I am… (zips the top of his shirt open to reveal some chest) actor. Welcome to the… how do you say? Ah yes, show.
Tina Fey: (with a Mexican accent) Ah, he’s too sexy! He’s too sexy, my friend!
Chris Kattan: Oh, thank you so much.
Amy Poehler: Chris Kattan everybody!
Chris Kattan: You cannot have the mango! (smacks his own butt)
Amy Poehler: Yay!
Chris Kattan: Haha, that was a good one too!
(Tina hands him an apple)
Chris Kattan: Oh yeah! (starts eating the apple sloppily)
Amy Poehler: Ah, mr. Peepers! For Weekend Update, I’m a Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
]]>
Air Date:
Bill Frist’s Gas PlanSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) hears out Bill Frist’s (Tom Hanks) new gas plan, which plays out like a late night infomercial.
Summary: Wolf Blitzer (Chris Parnell) interviews members of President George W. Bush’s ever-changing cabinet.
Summary: Lindsay Lohan tackles past demons with a little help from the Easter Bunny (Kenan Thompson).
Summary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) continues to mock the dullness of overtattooed co-star, Tiara Zee. (Rachel Dratch), while introducing new hip-hop and house music stars for the MTV-4 audience to eat up.
Summary: In a promo for “Journey to the Disney Vault”, a pair of kids discover the horrors of Walt Disney’s secret passions in life, as well as a plethora of lame cartoon sequels on DVD.
Recurring Characters: Bill O’Reilly, Newt Gingrich.
First Performed: 
Summary: Meteorologist Stormy Windbreaker (Seth Meyers) gives an apocalyptic forecast. Taylor Hicks (Jason Sudeikis).
Summary: Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch) joins her friends for a bachelorette party in Las Vegas.
Summary: Robert Osborne (Darrell Hammond) presents clips from the forgotten Ann-Margaret (Lindsay Lohan) and Liberace (Fred Armisen) musical comedy, “Atlantic City Fever.”
