Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Oprah

Oprah Winfrey…..Tim Meadows
Marv Albert…..Norm MacDonald
Mike Tyson…..Tracy Morgan

Oprah Winfrey: Hi, welcome back! I hope everyone had a great summer, because I sure did – I lost 20 pounds! Thank you! And I gained 35. Oh, you stop it now! Now, today’s show is another installment of the Oprah Book Club, and honey, we have a beautiful inspirational book that can teach us to be better people. It’s the story of one man’s struggle to rise from humble beginnings to national fame. The title is: “I’d Love To, But I Have A Game”, by Marv Albert. He’s here with us today, so please welcome Mr. Marv Albert!

[ Marv Albert walks out and sits down across from Oprah ]

So, Marv.. you wrote this book, and you’re here to talk about it?

Marv Albert: Well, that’s right, Oprah, and I’d really like to thank you for giving me this opportunity.

Oprah Winfrey: Well, forget about it, ’cause it ain’t gonna happen! Now, let’s talk about you and those choppers of yours – you likes to get freaky!

Marv Albert: Well.. yessss!

Oprah Winfrey: Now, honey, I hear you like to wear women’s panties?

Marv Albert: Yessss!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm.. you even like to wear nipple clamps?

Marv Albert: Yessss!

Oprah Winfrey: Hmm.. you ever use an ass bracelet?

Marv Albert: Yessss… andddd.. it hurtssss!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm.. you go, girl! How about the Squirmy Rooter?

Marv Albert: Oh, my God, yessss!!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm, mmm, mmm.. I am scared of you, honey! Now, here’s the difference between you and me, Marv – I like to eat baklava, babyback ribs, back bacon.. but you like to eat back.

Marv Albert: Yessss… anddd.. assss! [ pause ] But the biting incident for which I was arrested, Oprah, was a case of mistaken identity.

Oprah Winfrey: Now, whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Marv?

Marv Albert: Well, I did bite her.. but it was late, and it was dark, and I thought she was a.. pizza!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm.. And when did you realize that she wasn’t a pizza?

Marv Albert: Well, Oprah, to tell you the truth, usually when I eat pizza, I do not have a full erection!

Oprah Winfrey: Well, it sounds like a pretty reasonable excuse. We have a question from the audience? [ points ] Yes.

[ Mike Tyson stands in the front ]

Mike Tyson: Yes. I would just like to say that I love your show, Miss Oprah.

Marv Albert: Fellow back-biter Mike Tyson in the crowd!

Mike Tyson: And I believe that Marv was provoked into biting that woman. I believe that. Youre a pretty good guy.

Marv Albert: Yesss, it’s true! The pizza head-butted me!

Oprah Winfrey: Okay, Marv.. now, what about this menage-a-trois business? I hear you like to get it on with a lady and another man.

Marv Albert: Well, I’m glad you brought that up, Oprah.. that is completely untrue, it was a very hurtful allegation. And the only thing that helped me through it was the support of my fiancee, Heather.. [ show Heather in the audience ] ..and our close family friend, Roddd.. [ show Rod in the audience, topless except for a bow tie ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes.. well.. it is great to have the support of your fiancee..

Marv Albert: And it’s great to have the support of Roddd!

Oprah Winfrey: Well.. Marv.. this may be your last chance to call a live broadcast. Is there anything you’d like to say?

Marv Albert: Absolutely! “Live.. from New York.. it’ssss.. Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Lou’s Lovely Daughters

Lou…..Sylvester Stallone
Josephine…..Ana Gasteyer
Francesca…..Molly Shannon
Marie…..Cheri Oteri
Voice of Salvatore…..Darrell Hammond

[ Music Over: “The Men In My Little Girl’s Life”, Mike Douglas ]

[ open on tight shot of show title over old picture of Lou and his three daughters when they were cute kids ]

[ pull out to reveal an older Lou with two of his daughters, who have since grown up to be quite unpleasant to the eye ]

Lou: [ chuckles ] Hey, Josephine! Come on, Sweetie, the show’s starting.. please?

Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] I’m not coming down there, I wouldn’t be caught DEAD on your STUPID show!!

Lou: Hello, everybody. Welcome to “Lou’s Lovely Daughters”. I’m Lou, and these are my two lovely daughters, Francesca and Marie. And my younger daughter up there, Josephine, she’s upstairs..

Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] Go to hell!!

Lou: [ laughs ] She has a great sense of humor, that Josephine! Wave to the camera, girls! [ Francesca and Marie wave awkwardly ] Aren’t they beautiful? Okay, I’m gonna be straight with you here.. I raised them by myself from the time they was very little, and on account of their mother dying from a slip on the ice in front of Vito’s Steakhouse – [ they all sign the cross ] God rest her soul – some people can say I should get a free dinner from that Vito.. really..

Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] You probably killed her yourself!!

Lou: My Josephine, she’s very lively, okay? Anyway, I done a good job with them on a baker’s salary. But I mean, come on, enough is enough, capiche? It’s time, listen here.. if you want to date one of my daughters, give me a call – I’ll throw in a dozen fresh rolls. [ grabs Francesca’s arm ] Now, this is Francesca. Truth? Not for nothing, she’s no Raquel Welch. But she’s special like her old man, isn’t that right, Francesca?

[ phone number 718-555-0100 flashes onscreen ]

Francesca: [ shy ] Yeah, if you say so, Dad!

Lou: And I’m telling you, this is the truth, she does the best impression of Mae West, it’s out of this world, go on, show them..

Francesca: Dad..! I haven’t done that since fourth grade..!

Lou: I know, honey.. please.. you got a gift, share it with the people of the world, come on..

Francesca: Alright.. [ stands ] “Hey.. come on up and see me sometime, big boy.”

Lou: [ claps ] What can I tell you! She’s a star! I’m blessed! I’m blessed! Come on, give me a call, please! Now.. maybe this is a good time to share your news, honey.

Francesca: [ shy ] Daaadd..!

Lou: Come on, come on!

Francesca: [ pause ] I lost 3 pounds..

Lou: [ claps ] Isn’t that terrific, everbody! She joined the Jenny Craig.. Come on, stand up and show them your new figure, come on, please, please..

Francesca: [ stands and poses ]

Lou: The kid looks like a movie star! I’m blessed.. I’m blessed.. [ phone rings ] Girls, we got a call! [ answers ] Hello?

Voice of Salvatore: Hiya, Lou.

Lou: Salvatore, what do you want? Sal, I’m doing a show, what do you want?

Voice of Salvatore: Forget about it. You come to the club, you play some cards – let ’em find their own dates.

Lou: Sal, I gotta go, you’re tying up the line. That means some kid who owns a suit might be trying to get through.

Voice of Salvatore: Okay.

Lou: Aw, come on..

Voice of Salvatore: Okay.

Lou: [ hangs up ] Josephine, hurry up, you’re missing the whole show!

Voice of Josephine: [ from upstairs ] Go suck an egg, Pop!!

Lou: “Go suck an egg, Pop!” [ laughs ] Francesca, go get your sister, please, but please hurry up, we’re running out of time, okay?

[ Francesca runs upstairs ]

Marie: Dad? What about me?

Lou: [ hugs her ] Oh, sure, darling! I was just getting to you! And now, we’re getting to the musical genius of the family! Marie here can play any Tony Bennett song on the accordian! Play, play the music.

Marie: [ stands and plays her accordian ]

Lou: Is she something? Come on, call! What’s the matter with you people?! The kid’s a genius, she’s like.. what do you call.. petite, she won’t take up much room.. Flash the number, Ralphie! Come on, if you call now I’ll throw in a dozen cannolis for you! Please! Somebody help me! Take them off my hand! I want to retire! You see, I have a time-share in Florida.. honey, give ’em the baton, the baton never fails..

Marie: [ starts twirling the baton as she plays the accordian ]

[ phone rings ]

Lou: [ answers ] Hello?

Voice of Caller: Yeah, I think you’re a disgusting, chauvenist pig!

Lou: [ hangs up ] Woman libbers! [ chuckles ] Listen. please don’t bother calling this show unless you’ve got some hair on your chest.. please.. okay?

Marie: Dad.. I got hair on my chest..

Lou: Yeah, please.. [ covers her mouth ] She means.. she’s the best! Not hair on her chest! Please.. keep it to yourself, Maria, okay..?

Francesca: [ runs down ] Hey, Dad, Josephine’s coming downstairs! I caught her going through your pockets for loose change!

Lou: You what?

Josephine: [ enters the basement smoking a cigarette, revealing herself to be nearly nine months pregnant ] Turn that thing off! I want to see “Baywatch Nights”, Pop!

Lou: Josephine is my pride and joy! And, as you can see, Josephine has already had a date, and things didn’t go too good..

Josephine: Thet went great..!

Lou: Really? Listen.. whoever done this, I’m not mad. Come back! Be a man! We’ll set you up with a job at the bakery – obviously, you’re not good at too many things, but you are good at putting buns in the oven! Alright.. come on. I love these girls, but I’m telling you, they’re about as uneasy to load as five-day donuts, so come on, please? Give me a call! I’ll throw in a month of my time-share! [ phone rings; Lou answers ] Hello?

Voice of Salvatore: Yeah, Lou.. I want to take your daughter out..

Lou: Which one?

Voice of Salvatore: The one that comes with the time-share..

Lou: Is that you, Sal?

Voice of Salvatore: [ laughs ] Yeah!

Lou: Hey, Sal, I told you to quit joking around! Please!

Lou: Okay, take care..

Josephine: Hiiii, Sallll…!

Lou: Damn! You know what? We’re out of time. Okay.. fine, no problem. But even though nobody called, you should take down this number, ’cause in a few hours or so, you’re gonna remember that Lou’s lovely daughters really are lovely, lovely, lovely! Say goodbye, girls.

Francesca & Maria: Bye..

Josephine: Go to hell!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Orange Julius

Customer…..Will Ferrell
Leon…..Sylvester Stallone
Wallace…..Tim Meadows

[ Open on interior, computer store ]

Customer: I run a small business out of my home, and I’m looking for a personal computer with a Pentium Processor.

Leon: Well, this computer over here really kicks ass. So, will that be cash or charge?

Customer: Th-this is nice, but it doesn’t have a Pentium Processor.

Leon: No, but you got to ask yourself, in 1997, who really needs one of those Pa-sonium Pa-cess-isers?

Customer: Pentium Processors. And, yes, I do.

Leon: Yeah, but this computer isboss! [ mumbles ]

Customer: It may be boss, but I need a Pentium Processor. Do you even know what one is?

Leon: Well.. I-I worked in this store since it was an Orange Julius, so.. no, I don’t..

Customer: Well.. can I talk to someone who does know?

Leon: Sure, I’ll get someone.. [ he walks to a back room, then resurfaces a moment later ] No one knows.

Customer: No one in the store knows what a Pentium Processor is??

Leon: No, no. As a matter of fact, I asked a lot of people. In fact, Doug the manager told me that you’re probably a crazy street person coming off the street, just talking gibberish words.

Customer: Pentium Processor isn’t gibberish! Anyone who works in a computer store should know that!

Leon: Are you calling Doug, my manager, a liar?

Customer: This.. this is ridiculous!

Leon: I’ll tell you what is ridiculous. I’ll tell you – you know, in this day and age, for a crazy guy to come in this store asking for a Kryptonite Processor-izer.

Wallace: [ entering the scene ] I’m sorry.. is there a problem here?

Customer: Yes, there is. Are you Doug, the manager?

Wallace: Uh, there’s no Doug working here. I’m Wallace.

Customer: [ confused ] Okay, well.. this guy told me you don’t have Pentium Processors.

Wallace: [ pointing forward ] Well, here’s one right here.

Customer: [ relieved ] Thank you!

Wallace: Sure. Pleasure to help. You got this one there, Leon?

Leon: No problem, Doug! [ Wallace exits to back of store ]

Customer: His name’s Wallace!

Leon: No, I forget sometimes.. you see, my old manager at the Orange Julius is named Doug, and, uh.. anyway, I think I should tell you, the.. uh.. computer you’re looking at is for gays.

Customer: What?!

Leon: Gays, gays, gays, gays.. [ looking around the store ] You know what you want? You want one of these computers over here where the food comes out of, you know? It’s right here.. [ points to a vending machine ] This is a “Star Trek” computer..

Customer: That’s.. that’s a vending machine..

Leon: No, no, no.. it’s a very tricky computer. If you push A-1, these chips come out like that. But you have to be very smart to operate it, because.. uh.. you have to be kind of like Captain Clark.

Customer: You mean, Captain Kirk.

Leon: [ thinking about it ] Clark. Captain Clark. [ pause ] Do you want an Orange Julius?

Customer: [ upset, looking around frantically ] Can we get Wallace back in here?!

Wallace: [ walking back in ] There you are! Is everything alright?

Leon: [ smiling, pointing to vending machine ] He wants to buy this computer.

Wallace: I’m sorry, Sir. That’s not a computer, that’s a vending machine.

Customer: I don’t want to buy the vending machine.

Leon: Aw, but, come on, can’t we make him a special deal, or something? This is a good one..

Wallace: Well.. I guess we can call the manufacturer..

Customer: [ furious ] No! I don’t want to buy that!

Wallace: I’m terribly sorry, Sir. Was there a problem with this computer here? [ acknowledges the one he pointed out earlier ]

Customer: He said it was for gays!

Wallace: [ thinking how to remedy the situation ] You’re doing a great job, Leon! [ pulls customer aside, as Leon exits to back room ] Can I talk to you over here for a second, Sir?

Customer: What is this guy’s problem?

Wallace: Look.. uh.. that’s Leon. He’s a good guy. He used to work at the Orange Julius that was here before..

Customer: Yeah.. he told me..

Wallace: Well, when they closed the Orange Julius, he wouldn’t leave. So, the day we moved in, we found him sleeping in the back on the floor. He stood up with a cup of nails and said, “Uh, do you want to buy a cup of Orange Julius?”

Customer: [ shocked ] Oh, my God..

Wallace: Yeah.. so, just do the guy a favor – buy the vending machine.

Customer: What?! No! I’m not..

Wallace: Look, it’s not that much money. It’s, like, $3,900.

Leon: [ walking back in ] Doug? Doug? I just got the paperwork started for this Star Trek Potato Chip machine computer..

Wallace: [ encouraging ] Alright! Good job, Leon! Will that be cash or charge, sir?

Customer: [ angry ] I’m not buying the vending machine!

Leon: Look, Mister, you seem nice, but.. the truth is, I don’t, I don’t got much, you know? [ piano music over background ] A couple years ago.. I was working.. at Julius, and I was a bigshot! I really was. But then they shut us down.. and I tried to open my own Orange Julius, but everyone got sick, really sick, and some died and everything. But.. I don’t know.. maybe I’m just not a lucky guy.. and, and, and, and.. maybe, a guy like me doesn’t deserve anything like that..

Customer: No, Leon. You’re a wonderful man. With a big heart. And I think today’s your lucky day. Because, I’m Samuel K. Julius, grandson of the founder of Orange Julius.

Leon: [ excited ] YOU ARE?!!

Customer: Yes, I am. And I think you’re just the man to head up our brand new European division. How does that sound, Leon? Would you like to sell Orange Juliuses in Germany?

Leon: WOULD I EVER!! [ hugs customer ]

[ cut to Leon working counter of Orange Julius in Germany ]

Leon: [ Says “Welcome to Orange Julius” in German ] It’s a dream come true!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Goodnights

…..Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone: Okay! Thanks to Richard Jewell and Jamiroquai! To my beautiful wife and Sophia: I’ll be home soon! [ blows the audience a kiss ] Bye!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1

97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

The Lost Deep Thoughts

Announcer: And now: The Lost Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey.

Jack Handey V/O: “Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see
is a mosquito sucking on a mummy.
Forget it, little friend.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
September 27th, 1997

Sylvester Stallone

Jamiroquai

None

Richard Jewell
OprahSummary: Marv Albert (Norm MacDonald) discusses his bizarre sexual fetishes with Oprah Winfrey (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Marc Albert, Mike Tyson.

Transcript

Montage

Sylvester Stallone’s MonologueSummary: Rocky’s fight mananger, Mickey (Jim Breuer), helps Sylvester Stallone prepare to do a monologue befitting of a champ.

Recurring Characters: Mr. T.

Bio: Sylvester Stallone (1946-). Actor/director/producer/screenwriter; wrote and starred in the 1976 Academy Award winning Best Picture, “Rocky”, which has spawned five sequels; also starred in the Rambo film series, beginning with “First Blood” (1982); a shareholder of the Planet Hollywood restaurant franchise.

Xerox Assjet 790Summary: The printer that perfects ass duplication every time.

Rita’s New CarSummary: Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) is thrilled about the new Cadillac her husband Vinnie (Sylvester Stallone) just bought, until she finds out her neighbor Janelle (Molly Shannon) got the first ride before her.

Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio.

Transcript

Car AccidentSummary: After witnessing a horrific automobile accident, Sylvester Stallone attempts to comfort the dying victim (Norm MacDonald) who keeps badmouthing all of his movies.

Transcript

The Roxbury GuysSummary: Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) take Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) club-hopping, where they learn that the nimble boxer doesn’t know how to dance.

Recurring Characters: Steve Butabi, Doug Butabi.

Transcript

Reno’s InvestigationSummary: Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) takes a sock in the chest from Richard Jewell.

Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton.

TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel has “Fun With Real Audio” by giving Humphrey Bogart problems with flatulence during outtakes from “Casablanca.”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) sings “Sausage of Pain.” Norm MacDonald interrogates wrongly-accused Olympic Park bomber suspect, Richard Jewell.

Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.

Transcript

Jamiroquai performs “Alright”Summary: As Sylvester Stallone introduces the night’s musical guest, a riled-up Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) demands to know why he wasn’t ask to co-star in “Copland” with the other Martin Scorcese regulars.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci.

Bio: English acid jazz/funk/soul band; members: Jason Kay, Derrick McKenzie, Sola Akingbola, Toby Smith, Wallis Buchanan, Simon Katz, Stuart Zender, DJ D-Zire – Turntables, John Thirkell.

Orange JuliusSummary: A demented computer salesman (Sylvester Stallone) longs for the days when the building was still an Orange Julius.

Transcript

The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey reflects on a mosquito trying to suck blood from a mummy.

Transcript

Planet HollywoodSummary: Two of Sylvester Stallone’s biggest fans (Tracy Morgan, Jim Breuer) bother him at the opening of the newest Planet Hollywood.

Transcript

Lou’s Lovely DaughtersSummary: Aging dad, Lou (Sylvester Stallone), uses a cable access show in his desperate attempt to find husbands for his less-than-appealing adult daughters.

Recurring Characters: Francesca, Maria, Josephine.

Transcript

More Songs I Rewrote To Honor Dead PeopleSummary: Elton John (Will Ferrell) has retooled “Candle in the Wind” in honor of Princess Di, but that’s just the beginning of his self-plagierism.

Recurring Characters: Elton John.

Note: This sketch had to be cut off early because the show was running long. It aired in full a few weeks later, when it was edited into a repeat of an episode hosted by Rob Lowe from the previous season. Incidentally, that repeat had previously been interrupted by the news of Princess Di’s death, and the same edited rebroadcast resurfaced during a Classic SNL airing years later.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: 1997-1998


]]>

Starring:

Jim Breuer

Will Ferrell

Ana Gasteyer

Darrell Hammond

Chris Kattan

Norm MacDonald (last: 03/14/98)

Tim Meadows

Tracy Morgan

Cheri Oteri

Colin Quinn

Molly Shannon

Episodes

09/27/97: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

10/04/97: Matthew Perry / Oasis

10/18/97: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

10/25/97: Chris Farley / The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

11/08/97: Jon Lovitz / Jane’s Addiction

11/15/97: Claire Danes / Mariah Carey

11/22/97: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

12/06/97: Nathan Lane / Metallica

12/13/97: Helen Hunt / Hanson

01/10/98: Samuel L. Jackson / Ben Folds Five

01/17/98: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Portishead

02/07/98: John Goodman / Paula Cole

02/14/98: Roma Downey / Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott

02/28/98: Garth Brooks

03/07/98: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia

03/14/98: Julianne Moore / Backstreet Boys

04/04/98: Steve Buscemi / Third Eye Blind

04/11/98: Greg Kinnear / All Saints

05/02/98: Matthew Broderick / Natalie Merchant

05/09/98: David Duchovny / Puff Daddy & Jimmy Page

SummarySaturday Night Live entered its 23rd season with hardly any changes. Mark McKinney was gone, but featured performer Colin Quinn was promoted to full cast member (though hardly noticed the first half of the season). Rob Smigel’s “TV Funhouse” was overshadowed throughout the year by a naughty puppet sketch called “The Go-Lords”, and Jack Handey returned his humor to the show with “The Lost Deep Thoughts”, a restructured version of his “Deep Thoughts” which dominated SNL in the early 90’s.

Halfway through the season, NBC West Coast President Don Ohlmeyer fired Norm MacDonald from his duties as Weekend Update Anchor, placing Colin Quinn behind the desk for the January 11th, 1998 show. Ohlmeyer insisted MacDonald was not funny on Update, but did find him funny in sketches, which MacDonald felt were not his strong points. By the March 7th, 1998 broadcast, Norm MacDonald parted ways with SNL to seek fame and fortune through other venues.

At the center of this unbalanced season can be found a guest appearance by Jack Nicholson, offering his opinion of castmembers’ impressions of him (“You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”), and walking in on a therapy session for the Roxbury Guys.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Lenny the Lion … Colin Quinn

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald.Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesdayagainst Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation’sfirst female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused ofconducting an adulterous affair with a married man aswell as having a brief fling with a second airman andthen lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor calledher, quote, “a sexual predator,” while her commandingofficer has called her a, quote, “lying sex addict.”Meanwhile, President Clinton called her. …[applause]

Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out morethan seven hundred and fifty million in a courtsettlement when it admitted that its cigarettes areaddictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiledits new warning label. It reads: “Warning: Don’t tryto sue us, we don’t have any money left.”

Yesterday, the House Budget committee approved anoutline of a deal between President Clinton andcongressional leaders to balance the budget. But bothsides caution it is not set in stone. In order tobecome official, of course, it must still be approvedby this Chinese guy here. [Photo of elderlybespectacled Asian man, Norm jerks his thumb at it] … He’s gotta–

Man in Audience: Boo!

Norm MacDonald: Boo? What the hell? …[shrugs] No reason to boo anything.

It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutorsMarcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexuallyexplicit notes back and forth at the trial, noteswhich discussed each other’s, quote, “turn ons.” And,according to the notes, both Darden and Clark areturned on by the same freakish thing: Alan Dershowitz![Photo of not terribly handsome Simpson defenseattorney Alan Dershowitz]

Meanwhile, O. J. himself may have some explaining todo. For months, he has denied hiding financial assets,including valuable sports mementos, from the Brown andGoldman families. But, earlier today, Simpson pal A.C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave thecountry. In the back seat of his Bronco, police foundO. J.’s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fakebeard. [Photo of Heisman Trophy with beard]

According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma, HenriettaCollins, a ninety year old widow, was bilked out ofher life savings by the trustees of her estate. [pullstape recorder out of pocket and speaks into it] Noteto self: Forget trying to bilk Henrietta Collins ofher life savings. Some dirty bastard got there first…. [Norm shakes his head, grins, tries unsuccessfullyto return recorder to pocket, winces, finally pocketsrecorder] …

This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressedpublished reports that her husband had an extramaritalaffair saying, quote, “Frank did and always does whatis right.” Kathie Lee’s statement has been widelyinterpreted as a public admission that her husbandbeats her. … [applause]

Norm MacDonald: Well, with the recent escapesof several bears in the tristate area — That can’t betrue! — and several animal attacks in the news. … Ithink we just made up the story here. We have broughtin someone who can help us shed some light on thisoutbreak of zoo-related incidents that you see allover the news. From the Bronx Zoo, Lenny the Lion ishere! Hey, Lenny! [cheers and applause as we pan overto Lenny]

Lenny the Lion: Thanks, Norm. Uh, Norm, I knowwhy those bears ran away. The zoo can be a roughplace. My first year, I got in about fifty fights.They had to put me in supermax like Gotti. They let meout to exercise an hour a day, two showers a week.They won’t let you make phone calls. I can’t make themanyway because– [holds up a paw, no opposable thumbwith which to hold a phone] … They open up all yourmail. They throw out your letters. I mean, come on,Norm, I had to find out my brother was killed on theDiscovery Channel. …

Norm MacDonald: Oh, that – that doesn’t seemright. But– And yet, uh, the zoo cannot be that bad,though, Lenny.

Lenny the Lion: No, but I had a reputation touphold. If you’re the lion, everybody is gonna tryyou. It’s that street mentality. I had it, too. ButI’m tryin’ to change. I thought– I used to think thatif I was killin’ an ostrich or something, that was mynatural instinct. But I been discussin’ it with mycounselor. It’s not my natural instinct, Norm. It’sall about my father. You know? … I was just actingout his rage. I know that now. I understand it. Imean, one day, I just – I just did a kill, I’mstandin’ over a bloody carcass, there’s flieseverywhere, the vultures are circling, I have bloodand bone all over me, I’m roaring. And I just caughtmy reflection in the watering hole and I thought: Isthis how people see me? … Is this how I’m comin’across? I didn’t want to look at myself so I’d ratherjust kill you. So, now, I don’t hang around with otherlions. I’ll stop by and say hello. But they alwaysstart in with, “Let’s kill this one, let’s kill that.”… It’s the same conversation we were havin’ twentyyears ago! … Now, I’m tryin’ to change. I’m seein’somebody. She’s got a kid by a tiger. You know? …[applause] The kid – the kid don’t wanna listen to me’cause I’m not his real father, so we don’t get along.I still got a lot o’ guilt over my teenage daughterfrom my first mating. She’s in an abusive situationbut she don’t want to leave. … She’s with one ofthese wannabes, tryin’ to be a gangsta. He ain’t hard.I knew his family. He grew up in a game preserve. Youknow? … You’re a father, right, Norm?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, yeah, I have a – I have ason.

Lenny the Lion: So you know how it is. I wannabreak this chain of violence that gets passed downthrough the generations.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, but it’s differentfor you, Lenny. Lenny, you’re the King of theJungle!

Lenny the Lion: If that’s how you need to seeme, Norm, okay, I’m the King of the Jungle. But Idon’t need to be the King of the Jungle for you, orthe rhinos, or the reptiles, or some “Law of Nature”hype. Bein’ the King of the Jungle’s gotten all myfriends life terms at the zoo or mounted on some richguy’s wall. Today, I can just be “Lenny” — the Lion.A part of the jungle. [quickly wraps it up] Furis murder. Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Lenny the Lion, everybody!There he goes. [cheers and applause as Lennyexits]

In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for oneof the area’s leading political figures, attended bythe city’s Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board ofsupervisors, culminated with a performance in which adominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic starinto the back of her male partner, then urinated onhim, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquorbottle. After learning of the incident from pressreports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outragethat the liquor bottle was not recycled.

In his new film, “Legionnaire,” action starJean-Claude Van Damme will join the French ForeignLegion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920sParis who flees a mob boss after falling in love withthe man’s mistress. Also, although it doesn’t sayanything here about it, uh, I’ll bet there’s plentyof, uh — of kicking!

Tonight, we are proud to present a new feature onWeekend Update: “In Their Own Words.” As you remember,last month in the televised town meeting on kids anddrugs, President Clinton moved Peter Jennings and theaudience as well, when he said, quote, “I receive manyletters from five year old kids around the country,telling me that they are frightened and asking for myhelp.” Earlier this week the White House released thetext of some of these letters.[Photo of five year old boy] Walker D. of Connecticut,a five year old child, writes: “Dear Mr. President:When the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayermoney on their Whitewater witch hunt, perhaps they canjoin you in your efforts to protect Medicare and theenvironment and to expand the earned income taxcredit. P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it.” [Photo ofgirl] Here’s one from … from Elizabeth A. of LongIsland who wrote: “Dear President Clinton, NewtGingrich is a bad, bad man. [scattered cheers] Also,Paula Jones was asking for it.” … “In Their OwnWords.”

Under a new law passed by the State Assembly,effective next year, Michigan will set aside anallotment of hunting licenses for blind people. …This after years of relentless lobbying by deer. …They– [applause]

Good news for Hawaii! Next year, the state willreceive twenty million dollars in federal funds tohelp teach poor children how to read. Oh. [pulls outrecorder again] Note to self: Swindle poor Hawaiiansout of twenty million dollars by pretending to be aguy who teaches reading. [pockets recorder, pauses,thinks, then pulls out recorder and continues] Note toself: Before I start, also learn to read. …That will help give the scam what we like to call”credibility.” [wiggles eyebrows, nods, grins like amaniac, pockets recorder] … That’s a bigword.

A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C.Mayor Marion Barry’s popularity among city residentshas dropped to its lowest point in five years.However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest inpolls or, for that matter, anything else that isn’tcrack. … He has – Really has no interest in– Whatthe hell good are polls gonna do him?

Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicatethat David Hasselhoff is a major recording star inthat country, where his concerts routinely sell outand his albums turn platinum. Which once again provesmy old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [verymild reaction from crowd]

And it’s been fun, folks! Thank you!

[Music. Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk andstarts to take the microphone off his necktie.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Space: The Infinite Frontier

Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell
Dr. Ken Waller…..Jeff Goldblum
Station Manager…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: From the outer most reaches of the universe, to the inner most planets of our solar syatem, This is “Space The Infinite Frontier” with your host Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray.

Harry Caray: Hi everybody Harry Caray here, and welcome to Space The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya, joining us in the studio today all the way from Cal-Tech is astrophysicist Dr. Ken Waller. Welcome to the show Ken.

Dr. Ken Waller: Thank You! It’s nice to be here.

Harry Caray: Now Dr. recently they discovered that there might be life on one of the moons of Jupiter. Now that’s gotta be exciting for ya.

Dr. Ken Waller: Oh yes Harry were thrilled to discover that there theoretically life could exist below the surface of planets due to the heat caused by volcanic activity.

Harry Caray: That’s something else. Let me ask what’s your favorite planet.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well, I don’t have a favorite. I find them all fascinating there all a part of a-

Harry Caray: Mine’s the sun. Always has been. I like it because it’s like the king of planets.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well, Actually Harry it’s not a planet it’s a star.

Harry Caray: Well! Planet or starwhen that thing burns out were all gonna be dead.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well that’s true but it’s not gonna burn out for a very long time.

Harry Caray: I hope not. Dr. have you ever seen an eclipse.

Dr. Ken Waller: Ah! Yeah I’ve seen many.

Harry Caray: You know if you stare at it head on it’ll burn your eyes out.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well it’s not best to stare at the sun in an eclipse.

Harry Caray: Well it’s hard not to. I once took a pair of binoculars and stared at the sun for over a hour.

Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you do that?

Harry Caray: Curiosity I guess. Heck I’m curious as a cat. I have a couple of friends that call me whiskers.

Dr. Ken Waller: Because your curious like a cat.

Harry Caray: Yes! Hey! Now Ken we all know thta the moon is noty made of green cheese.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! That’s true Harry.

Harry Caray: But what if it were made of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it then.

Dr. Ken Waller: What!

Harry Caray: I know I would. Heck I’d have seconds. Then polish it off with a tall cool budweiser. I would do it.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yeah!

Harry Caray: Would you.

Dr. Ken Waller: I’m confused.

Harry Caray: It’s a simple question. Would you eat the monon if it were made of ribs.

Dr. Ken Waller: I don’t know how to answer that.

Harry Caray: It’s not rocket science. Just say yes ans will move on.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes!

Harry Caray: Hey! How bout this mad cow disease.

Dr. Ken Waller: What about it.

Harry Caray: Well it was here for a while then it went away.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! Yes! it was in the news for a while then it disappeared.

Harry Caray: Good point! I hpe I never get it. Hey! What about this. If you had the choice of being the top scientist in your field or getting mad cow disease what would it be.

Dr. Ken Waller: well! Of course I would choose to be the the top scientist in my field.

Harry Caray: Oh good! I was worried you’d choose mad cow.

Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you think that.

Harry Caray: I don’t know I’m just a worrier I guess. That’s why my friends call me whiskers.

Dr. Ken Waller: I thought you said your friends call you Whiskers cause you’re curious as a cat.

Harry Caray: Well Dr. Waller it has been a pleasure. We’ve covered a lot of ground and shared a few laughs thanks for coming on.

Dr. Ken Waller: My pleasure.

Harry Caray: He’s a good kid. That’s all the time we he have join us next week with our guest Albert Einstein.

(Station manager whispers into Harry Caray’s ear)

Harry Caray: What! Well apparently Albert Einstein died 42 years ago. You know what, we’ll try to get him anyway. See you next time. Cubs win! Cubs win!

Thanks to Charles Spivey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Larry King’s News & Views II

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald

[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]

Announcer: If you’re still not reading “LarryKing’s News & Views,” then you shouldn’t be reading atall.

Larry King: [into the camera] Blue is wonderfulbut yellow is the best color.

I don’t care what anyone says, in my book, JeffreyDahmer was not a cannibal.

When actor Harry Hamlin is on the tube, it’simpossible to look away.

Two “must-dos” when visiting Atlanta: you must visitthe Martin Luther King Memorial and you musttry the cole slaw at Ezra’s.

Here’s my question of the day, folks: Why arereservations good if you make them at a restaurant butbad if you force Indians to live on them?

Of all the hosts of “The Tonight Show,” one of the twoor three greatest has got to be Johnny Carson.

Announcer: This has been USA Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”

Larry King: Somebody ought to tell all thesecigarette smokers – it just ain’t safe, gang!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts