Category: 2000

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14


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00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Cigarette Box voice…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

After experiencing chest pains Monday, Vice-President Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington University Medical Centre. When asked how Cheney’s angina would affect the administration, President Bush confidently told reporters, “Boys don’t have anginas”

Michael Jackson arrived in London this week on crutches after breaking his foot in a “common household accident” in his Netherland ranch. “It could have happened to anyone,” Jackson told a reporter. “See my llama and I were chasing Liz Taylor around the elephant man’s bones, and I tripped on my cape.”

At his final inner-circle correspondence dinner, Mayor Rudy Guiliani shaved his legs, put on high heels, and danced with the Rockettes. The mayor stayed at the party until almost dawn, when he was seen leaving with a very drunk Tracy Morgan.

An Australian man, Rob Milner, announced that next March, he plans to sky-dive from 25 miles from above the Earth, reaching speeds of over 1000 miles per hour, and breaking the sound barrier. And in future news, Rob Milner is dead.

Kathie Lee Gifford will play a romance novelist in an up-coming episode of ‘Just Shoot Me’. Cathie Lee said Just Shoot Me is her husband Frank’s favourite show, and that he wanders around the house all the time just muttering the title over and over again.

A month into his 10 year as attorney general, John Ashcroft has begun to actively reach out to African-Americans and gays. Which is why Ashcroft is now subscribing to Black Inches magazine.

Tina Fey: It’s a good magazine…

Johnny Depp says that he had to eat so much chocolate during the making of the Oscar nominated film “Chocolat” that he says that he will never eat it again. In a related story, the movie “Chocolat” was so choca-long and choca-boring, that I want my choca-money back.

As part of his on-going financial disclosure Jesse Jackson told the Chicago sun times this week that he doesn’t have a checking account or a credit card. Probably because to get those you need a job!! What is your job…?

Arnold Shwarzenagger told USA today, that he hasn’t ruled out running for Governor of California next year, saying that he ill make a decision in a few months. Reportedly, Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronounce (in Arnold voice) “Gubernatorial”.

Jimmy Fallon: A British firm has filed a pattern for a talking cigarette pack, that delivers a warning about the hazards of smoking every time the lid is opened. We got a pack right here acually. (Opens box of cigarettes)

Cigarette Box Voice: You’d better not SMOKE THESE!! You’ll get cancer if you SMOKE THESE DELICIOUS CIGARETTES.

FED Chairman Alan Greenspan turned 75 this week, however talk on the street is that he’s going to lower it to 74 and a half.

According to a report released Tuesday, female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state, except Minnesota. So ladies, if yo wanna rob a bank, but you don’t want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes.

Duke University researches have wired the brains of monkeys to control robotic arms in hopes that one day paralyzed humans will be able to control artificial limbs. But so far, all they have done of allowed paralysed monkeys to have better aim when they throw their own poop.

O.J Simpson is once again facing criminal charges, this time over a road-rage incident in which Simpson violently ripped a mans glasses off his head. On a positive note, this time he left the head.

This week, Sporty Spice told the Rueters News Agency that she was done with the Spice Girls. Making her just 2 years behind everyone else.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Roseanne S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gastyer
Lynn Vershad…..Rachel Dratch
Pete Schweddy…..Alec Baldwin
Caller…..Chris Parnell

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Lynn Vershad: And I’m Lynn Vershad.

Together: And you’re lsitening to.. The Delicious Dish.. on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, listeners, don’t adjsut your radio sets, you heard right. Teri Rialto has left to persue her dream of opening up a yogurt factory. We’re real proud of her, and we’re going to miss her. But we have a new co-host here on the Delicious Dish, and she’s a real firecracker. Say hi, Lynn.

Lynn Vershad: [ shyly ] Hi.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, those of you listening in northeast Minnesota already know Lynn, from her last show “Use Your Noodle”. Such a groundbreaking show, Lynn, I loved it.

Lynn Vershad: Oh, thank you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re welcome.

Lynn Vershad: You know, Wayzana Tribune called it the “most innovative public-supporterd pasta-related radio cooking show since Get Ready, Get Set, Spaghetti!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Absolutely, ditto to that, we were really lucky to steal you away, Lynn!

Lynn Vershad: Well, I really felt like I had taken pasta as far as it would go.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. I got so burned out on dried figs in the late 80’s, that I’ve never ogne back.

Lynn Vershad: I’m so, so sorry.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s okay. It’s neat.

Lynn Vershad: Fun, yeah.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times. Dried fruit.

Lynn Vershad: Yeah. Well, M.J., Spring has sprung, and that mean the return of the great American pasttime – baseball.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, no baseball season would be complete without the culinary traditions of the ballpark.

Lynn Vershad: Mmm, that’s right, M.J. And joining us to talk about them is someone whom I understand is an old friend of the Delicious Dish – Mr. Pete Scweddy.

[ Pete takes his seat behind the microphone ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Pete. Welcome back.

Pete Schweddy: Hi, there.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Pete, I hear that the only thing you love more than cooking, is the great game of baseball.

Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes. Sometimes, when I’m in the stands, I get so fired up and out of control, I’ve been known to boo the other team.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooh.. I’d want to steer clear of that.

Pete Schweddy: For sure.

Lynn Vershad: Now, Pete, you’ve gained quite a reputation as the king of stadium-cooked cuisine.

Pete Schweddy: That’s right. I’m proud to say I’ve won great acclaim for my takes on popcorn, crackerjacks, and pretzel bread. But I think what I am most known for is my weiner.

Margaret Jo McCullen: your weiner. Wow. You don’t say.

Pete Schweddy: I sure do. Would you like to see it?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Please. Please. [ Pete pulls out a tray of weiners ] Wow..

Pete Schweddy: Is that some weiner, or what?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah, it’s a doozy, Pete.

Lynn Vershad: Now, is that a foot-long, or..?

Pete Schweddy: [ chuckles ] You flatter me!

Margaret Jo McCullen: I have to say, Pete, that’s a very thick one, too.

Pete Schweddy: I’d have to say it’s almost as thick as it is long.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, I can smell your wiener from here.

Pete Schweddy: Well, that is thanks to the Schweddy Family recipe. There’s no escaping the aroma of a Schweddy Family weiner.

Lynn Vershad: It, um.. it really does glistne, doesn’t it?

Pete Schweddy: Uh, yeah, it’s the weiners folks can’t seem to keep out of their mouthes.

Lynn Vershad: Well, then I bet it’s a big hit with the kids.

Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes, indeed. There’s nothing quite like the look on a child’s face the moment he gets a hold of his own Schweddy weiner.

[ call lines start to light up ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Lynn. the switchboard’s really lighting up! We’ll take your calls in a moment. But, first, I want to get my mouth around that weiner!

Pete Schweddy: Be my guest. Both of you ladies please have a go at it.

[ Margaret Jo and Lynn grab a Schweddy weiner ]

Lynn Vershad: Hmm.. I’m not sure I can handle this much meat..

Pete Schweddy: Well, you really don’t have to put the whole thing in your mouth at once.

Lynn Vershad: Maybe we can cut it half?

Pete Schweddy: I’d rather you didn’t!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Pete, this peiner.. [ stifles her laughter ] A little verbal diarrhea.. This weiner’s so plump and firm. The weiners I’m accustomed to are usually wrinkled and grey. The phones are relaly going crazy – is it okay if we take a call?

Pete Schweddy: Oh, be my guest.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Okay. [ presses call button ] Delicious Dish. You’re on the air.

Lynn Vershad: Do you have a question for Pete Schweddy?

Caller: [ breathing heavily ] Yeah! Tell me about your weiner, Pete!

Pete Schweddy: Well, what would you like to know?

Caller: Do you touch it!

Pete Schweddy: Well, sure, I’m very hands-on with the famous Schweddy weiner.

Caller: Are you touching it now!

Pete Schweddy: Uh.. no, I’m not. The ladies are enjoying my weiner right now, actually. Any other waurions?

Caller: [ moans exuberantly ] Nooooooo, I’m all done..! Thanks..! [ hangs up ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, thanks for calling.

Lynn Vershad: [ eating the weiner ] Mmm.. I just can’t keep your weiner out of my mouth.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Mmm-mmm.. it’s delicious!

Lynn Vershad: [ starts choking on the weiner ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Pete Schweddy: What’s wrong?

Margaret Jo McCullen: I think Lynn’s gagging on your weiner..

Pete Schweddy: Bend her over! Ben her over!

Margaret Jo McCullen: [ pushes Lynn forward ] Just relax your throat, Lynn! Just relax!

Pete Schweddy: [ pats Lynn’s back ] Let it slide out.

[ Lynn cough the weiner out of her throat ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: You alright?

Lynn Vershad: Boy.. that was scary for a minute.. but.. if I had to gag on a weiner, I’m glad it was yours, Pete.

Pete Schweddy: Well, I’m glad my Schwddy weiner didn’t disappoint you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, that’s all the time we have here on the Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when our guest will be..

Together: Freddie S. and his Donut Holes!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

MTV Cribs

Britanica…..Maya Rudolph
Jonette…..Ana Gasteyer
Lady Speed Stick…..Jennifer Lopez

(MTV Cribs bumper shown)

Announcer: Welcome to MTV Cribs, the show that lets you hop the fence and sneak a peek at the homes of your favorite stars. This week we head to Manhattan to drop in on the hottest new R&B trio, Gemini’s Twin!

(Cut to the twins inside their apartment. Their song, ‘No Whack Whack’ plays in the background)

Jonette: Wassup MTV!

Britanica: Welcome to the beautiful home of the ladies of Gemini’s Twin in downtown…

All: Man-Hatt-An!

Jonette: Okay, so today, we’re gonna give you a tour. Kick back and chill, cause we ‘bout it, ‘bout it.

Britanica: Now you all have probably noticed that yet again, we have a new mem-ber!

Jonette: MTV, give it up for our resident mistress of rhyme, Lady Speed Stick!

Lady Speed Stick: Cause Lady Speed Stick controls the funk 24-7 hours a dizz-ay!

Britanica: Alright, so let’s begin the tour. So…basically this is it.…

Lady Speed Stick: Yeah, it’s little, but it’s where we fiddle, y’all.

All: Mmm-Hmm.

Britanica: Yeah, it’s real small, cause see, because we are trying to overcome our monetary deficiencies, and watch ourselves from a financial perspective.

Jonette: Word. That’s also cause we broke like TLC.

Lady Speed Stick: Or Hammer. You saw Behind the Music?

Jonette: Yes, I did.

Britanica: We got a lot of overhead, like our designer wardrobes, hairdos…

Jonette: Facials, salt water aquarium…

Lady Speed Stick: Karate, pilates, looking for hotties…

All: Mmm-hmm.

Jonette: Also, my dialect coach.

Britanica: Word, cause she from Scars-dale, but she’s real sweet on the inside.

All: (singing in ’harmony’) Sco-o-o-ottsd-a-a-a-le!

Britanica: White Girl!

Jonette: Okay, this is our living room, and it’s real special to us because it’s also the bedroom.

Britanica: See, the couch folds out into a bed.

Lady Speed Stick: Yeah. And you can sleep on it, too.

(Pan over to the minibar, which has various souvenirs on top of it)

Britanica: Right over here, y’all, is the minibar, and also where we do our makeup, and where we display our collection from our worldwide European tour!

(Jonette holds up a piggy bank)

Jonette: Okay, this is a pig and a bank also, and it’s from Spain. You put coins in it; it’s real cool.

(Lady Speed Stick holds up a Russian stacking doll)

Lady Speed Stick: This right here is a Russian doll from China…that has other dolls inside her. (opens it to reveal the other dolls inside) It’s a trick.

Britanica: Word, we also got fragrance and Merit ultra lights from Duty Free in Italy.

Jonette: We got Duty Free y’all!

All: (chanting) Duty-duty duty-free What! Duty-duty duty free Ha-ey!

(Pan over to the intercom)

Britanica: Ooh! Check it out y’all, we got an intercom…

Jonette: We got intercoms, y’all! This is where we chop it up with all the delivery guys, yo!

Lady Speed Stick: (talking to the intercom) Yo, wassup Little Caesar! Haha!

Britanica: Pizza Pizza! Okay, now it’s time for one of our fav-or-ite areas – the kitchenette!

Jonette: Yeah, cause Gemini’s Twin like to eat FOOD!

All: WHAT, WHAT!

Britanica: Let’s see what’s in the refrigerator, yo. Open sesame!

Jonette: (singing the tune to “Kung Fu Fighting”) Da-na-na-na na nuh-na-na-na!

(The fridge is opened, the various food items inside are shown)

Jonette: Okay, we got lots of nutritious foods cause we like to eat balanced.

Britanica: Yeah, like here’s some Kraft Singles, fish sticks, goober grape peanut butter with the jelly mixed in.

Jonette: We got cat food, gummy worms, orange soda, Arm & Hammer box to keep it fresh.

Lady Speed Stick: Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, Bacos, string cheese, Fruit Roll-Ups…

Jonette: Ooh, this is my favorite from my house growin’ up; this sundried tomato spread from Williams Sonoma!

All: (singing in ’harmony’) Williams Son-o-maaaa!

Lady Speed Stick: White People Food!

(closes fridge, pan over to a large, colourful painting)

Britanica: Check it out – up here is our most prized possession of all, y’all. It’s a painting of the Gemini symbol.

Lady Speed Stick: It’s very colourful and dramatized.

Britanica: Cause see, it’s where we get our inspiration, horoscopically.

Jonette: Because zodiologically speaking, the twins also remind us that we are three very powerful women.

Britanica: Word! A’ight y’all, before we go, we made up a little song for you, Gemini style. So why don’t we kick it?

(music starts)

Britanica & Jonette: (singing)

You’ll call up my nana and Carson Daly
Cause we cold getting’ down on MTV
You came to our crib, you see we got class
Cause we more ‘bout it ‘bout it than those fools on jackass
Jackass, jackass, jackass, jackass!

Lady Speed Stick: (rapping)

Check, Check one!
I’m gonna get to the intros mighty quick
Johnette, Britanica and Lady Speed Stick
We are the Twins of Gemini
And we co-habitate on the Lower East Side
Lower East Side, you chilled and you kicked it
But the fun is over cause you’re getting evicted

All:
Scoot it out now, we just playin’, MTV!
Scoot it out now, we love you MTV!
Scoot it out now, bye MTV!

(door closes)

(MTV Cribs bumper shown)

(fade)

Submitted by: Ann*e Hussey

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

Jeannie Darcy

Jeannie Darcy….Molly Shannon
Nurse….Rachel Dratch
Grieving daughter….Ana Gasteyer
Orderlies….Jerry Minor, Chris Parnell

(Opens with a helicopter view of The Medical Center,cut to an elderly ward. Old folks in wheelchairs andin bed)

Nurse: OK, you guys. Listen up! You’re in for a treattoday because St. Joseph’s Hospital has organized alittle surprise for the elderly ward. We’re gonna havea young woman come out here and entertain usall.(reads from a piece of paper) Uh, you cancurrently catch her at Boner’s. Now please welcome thestand-up comedy stylings of miss JeannieDarcy.(Applauds)

(Two guys put up a fake brick wall in the middle ofthe room then leave. Jeannie with a mannish blue suitjogs into the room, stands with her back to the fakebrick wall, mic on hand)

Jeannie Darcy:(over rehearsed tone of voice) Hi folks!I’m Jeannie Darcy. Hey, this will be a lot of fun. Inever thought of going to a retirement home to get adate. I thought the only thing guys take out here aretheir teeth. Don’t get me started.(A woman cries forher sick mother, nurse observes)I’m getting prettydesperate. I’m suffering from PMMS. “Please Marry MeSomebody” Don’t get me started! Don’t even get mestarted!( Shot of two old folks nodding off in theirwheelchairs)But, uh, I don’t know, I’m just glad Ihave my cats. I can really relate to them. I’m alwaysburying all my crap too. Or so my therapist says.Don’t get me started. (shot of bubbling I.V.)Hey, canI ask you guys a question? Who here is on a date?(Shot of old lady, puzzled look on her face)It’s sohard to date in the 90’s, isn’t it ladies? When Ifirst read about safe sex I thought, “Oh great! Moreequipment” Are you with me? (Shot of old lady out likea bulb, facing the ceiling)Have you ever notice whatbabies men can be when they get a cold? If they had tohave children, painkillers would be in gumballmachines. Don’t get me started.(Shot of flat line, twoorderlies come into the room) You know, I’m kind ofafraid of labor pains. I don’t know why. I should beused to it because I’ve spent the last 3 years pushingto get my ex-husband out. (Orderlies cover up the bodyof old lady)”Congratulations Ms. Darcy. It’s a jerk!”234 pounds and 6 ounces.(Orderlies wheel out the deadold lady, one orderly throws a dirty look at Jeannie,she just continues her routine)Somebody cut thecord…..to his TV set. Don’t get me started! And whatabout stretch marks? My ex-husband developed a badcase of stretch marks….on his wallet! Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!

Nurse: Ms. Darcy, um, maybe now its not the best time.Do you want to take a break?

Jeannie Darcy:(ignores the nurse)And ladies, how goodare vibrators? The only thing that could make thembetter is if they took out the trash. Help me outhere, sister girlfriend!(Grieving daughter sobs)Myvibrator’s got 2 speeds. On and…on. Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!

Nurse: I really think you should stop, miss Darcy.

Jeannie Darcy: (looks at her, continues routine)Youknow one thing that bugs me? (Molly cracks up, trieshard to recover)You know one thing that bugs me? Menwho pee on the seat. Arrrrg! Don’t get me started!Don’t even get me started!

(Sobbing uncontrollably, gets up to Jeannie)

Grieving daughter: Please, stop this! I just lost my mother!

Jeannie Darcy: Hey! I remember my first beer too!Don’t get me started!(Grieving daughter leaves,Jeannie continues her routine)Well, you guys are greatand thanks for cheering me up. I’ve been a littledepressed since my boob job got laid off. Don’t get mestarted! Don’t even get me started!(Shot of old guysleeping, gasps, exhales)I’m Jeannie Darcy and don’tget me started.

Nurse: Well, um, miss Darcy I’m so sorry about what happened.

Jeannie Darcy: Oh, why? I thought it went pretty good.

Nurse: But that woman, she died right in front of you.

Jeannie Darcy: Oh, I’ve had much worse shows thanthat. I thought the vibrator stuff went pretty goodthough. But I guess I won’t know for sure till I gethome and plow through this micro cassette.(Takes out amini recorder from her pocket)I have over 470 hours ofme telling jokes on this micro cassettes so I guess Isort of have my work cut out for me. So, its been a pleasure.

(Shake hands with nurse)

Nurse: OK.

(Jeannie leaves, stops, returns)

Jeannie Darcy: By the way, if a gorgeous, sexy guywith a great body stops in, he’s probably gay. Don’tget me started! Don’t even get me started!

(Jeannie finally leaves, little jumps backwards,exits. Nurse attends to old guy)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Moleculo: The Molecular Man

Bank Robber #1…..Chris Kattan
Bank Robber #2…..Tracy Morgan
Moleculo…..Conan O’Brien
Police Officer #1…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer #2…..Jerry Minor
Jimmy…..Jimmy Fallon
Lois…..Rachel Dratch
Chief…..Darrell Hammond
Mexican…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Acme Federal Savings Bank, sounds of fighting heard within ]

[ dissolve to interior, pile of bank robbers stacked on the floor ]

Bank Robber #1: We give up..!

Bank Robber #2: Yeah.. we give..! Who.. who are you, anyway?

Moleculo: I am Moleculo.. [ camera zooms in on his face ] ..The Molecular Maaaann!

[ cut to jingle ]

Jingle: “Moleculo! Moleculo! Moleculo!”

Moleculo: The Molecular Man!

[ cut back to bank interior, as the robbers are carted off the scene ]

Police Officer #1: Oh, well, that’s the last of them. I can’t believe notorious gangster Jackhammer Joe has been defeated.

Police Officer #2: Sure is great to have a superhero around. Thanks a lot! We owe you one Moleculo!

Moleculo: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

[ the Police Officers are stunned by his sudden outburst ]

Police Officer #1: Yeah.. Well, uh.. we can handle it from here. Thanks again.

Moleculo: Remember: wherever evil lurks, I’ll be there! [ exits ]

Police Officer #1: I wonder where he came from?

Police Officer #2: I don’t know. No one knows much of anything about Moleculo..

Moleculo: [ rushes in – camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Police Officer #1: Okay, dude. We know! Thanks!

[ cut to The Daily Newspaper Building ]

Announcer: Later that day, back at The Daily Newspaper where Moleculo works under his secret identity of Brett Barker..

[ dissolve to interior ]

Chief: Good issue, gang, you did a bang-up job!

Jimmy & Lois: Thanks a lot, Chief!

Chief: And I gotta say, Brett Barker got a fantastic scoop on this Moleculo story! You know, he always seems to know when Moleculo’s gonna show up!

Lois: Wait a second.. you guys don’t think..?

Jimmy: Yeah, right! Brett Barker? Moleculo!

[ everyone laughs, as Brett Barker enters ]

Brett Barker: Hey, gang. What’s the good word?

Chief: We were just talking about this great story you wrote!

Brett Barker: Ah, thanks, Chief. I was just in the right place at the right time.

Lois: You know, you always seem to be in the right place at the right time – when it comes to Moleculo!

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Jimmy: Yes. Him.

Chief: Well.. anyway.. I just wanted to say “Good Job” on this Moleculo story..

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Lois: What is wrong with you?

Jimmy: Are you high?

Brett Barker: No, I.. I just have some work that I should probably do.. so.. see you later.. [ exits room ]

Jimmy: Something’s fishy about that Brett Barker..

Chief: Say, what do you mean?

Lois: Well.. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I think it’s possible that Brett is somehow connected to Moleculo.

Brett Barker: [ crashes through wall, as camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann! [ pause, as everyone stares at him ] What?!

Chief: Okay. Okay! You’re Moleculo! Just admit it!

Brett Barker: Wait.. well, how’d you know..?

Jimmy: Oh, gee, I don’t know.. maybe it was Moleculo!

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaa-.. ohh.. right.. it’s the yelling. Damn! I just can’t control it, you know? I get really excited.. Well, I guess my cover’s blown.

Lois: What will you do now?

Brett Barker: Well, in order to continue my crime-fighting ways, I must leave you, and travel somewhere far, far away. Farewell, oh friends. [ exits room ]

[ cut to Mexico, Brett Barker seen inside El Diario De Hoy ]

Mexican: Ah, Senor Barker. Muchas gracis. Su historia es muy excelente.

Brett Barker: !A mi me gusta mi trabajo mucho!

Mexican: Trabejo soy yo le Moleculo.

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] El hombre de los moleculos!

Mexican: [ pause ] Tu el es Moleculo?

Brett Barker: [ throws off sombrero ] Si.. si.. caramba!

Jingle: “Moleculo! Moleculo! Moleculo!”

Moleculo: The Molecular Man!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Tough Guy

General…..Chris Parnell
Alec Baldwin…..Sgt. Jack Wilcox
Soldier #1…..Jerry Minor
Soldier #2…..Rachel Dratch
Soldier #3…..Will Ferrell
Soldier #4…..Darrell Hammond
Soldier #5…..Chris Kattan
Soldier #6…..Jimmy Fallon
Soldier #7…..Tracy Morgan

[ SUPER: “South China Sea: The Island of Hainan, April 6, 2001” ]

General: Okay, listen up, people. I’ve just come back from talking with our embassy, and I’m sorry to report, but the Chinese are not going to let us go yet, and it could be a while. Settle down. It looks like they will let us go eventually.. but they’re probably gonna keep the plane, so.. How did we do destroying vital information? Steve?

Soldier #1: Dylan and I were able to dump all code books, sir.

General: Great job, guys. Uh.. encryption?

Soldier #2: Uh, we think we knocked out 70% of our encryption, but time ran out.

General: Good enough. Digital tapes and hard drives?

Soldier #3: We destroyed everything, sir. They’d have to take the plane apart to get anywhere near that stuff.

General: Okay. Pretty good. For now, we just sit tight and wait. Like I said, it’s gonna be a long time.

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: [ moves forward ] Anyone wanna know what I think?

General: Oh, yeah.. I don’t think you had a chance to meet him on board. This is Sgt. Jack Wilcox, on loan from the Marines.

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Yes. Sure, we could sit around and wait.. or we could take them!

Soldier #3: What was that?

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: We could knock them out!

Soldier #3: [ confused ] The Chinese?

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: You’ve got a problem with that, Soldier?

Soldier #3: Well, there’s a billion of them..

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Those are my kind of odds..

Soldier #4: Where’d you get that gun? They strip-searched all of us.

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: I was keepin’ it nice and warm! You know, I’ve got extra clips, too.

General: Okay. That’s great. Hopefully, we won’t need to use force, but thanks for –

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: I’ve also got a grenade, a field radio, a Chinese-English dictionary, and enough cyanide capsules to take us all out!

Soldier #5: You keep all that up your butt?

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: [ steps forward ] That’s right, Fly-Boy! We’re not up in the air playing video games in that floating arcade you call a spy plane any more! We’re in my world now! And the way I see it, we can either relax in here for a few more days, or we can mount a counter-attack!

General: Alright now, let’s not talk about attacking anybody, okay?

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: You did your training, Soldier?

General: Most of us here were trained in an Intelligence Gathering.

Soldier #6: You know, like, computers.. stuff like that.

Soldier #4: Yeah. I speak six dialects of Mandarin..

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Surely, you all had basic training?

Soldier #2: Uh.. I stepped through some tires once. Is that what you’re talking about?

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: It’ll have to do. As we were coming over the island, I noticed an oil refinery about two clicks back! I’ll take four men, and we’ll hit it tonight! When you hear the blast, the rest of you take off for the south side of the island!

Soldier #3: No.

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: The Vice Squad will take out the plane and secure a boat! Lay low! Eat bugs and grass ’til we get back! Got it!

Soldier #7: [ eating out of a bowl with chopsticks ] Hey, hey, I’m not eating no bugs and no grass, man! Personally, I like this food they served us – I got some sesame shrimp right here!

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Oh, I get the picture. I know how you all feel. [ patriotic music plays over him ] War was a rough business. Women and college boys need not apply! When we signed on for this gig, we knew it wasn’t gonna be a cakewalk! We also knew we were signing up on the winning team – OUR TEAM!! Now, I don’t pretend to know who these Chinese people are – I know they’re small, maybe 1 or 2 feet high! I know they sound funny when they talk, I know the womenfolk have sideways vaginas! But underneath their scales, they’re just like you and me. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I can’t take on a billion of them..

Soldier #3: Yeah, you can’t.

Sgt. Jack Wilcox: Maybe with a little luck, I can pull this thing through and take this country! The American people don’t pay me to be a ballerina! They pay me to be a soldier! So! Who’s coming with me! [ no one moves ] So that’s the way it’s gonna be? Alright. [ weeping ] Just tell Shirley.. that I love her! [ runs toward the camera, arms extended, screaming as the screen freezes ]

Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Of course this is just a comedy sketch, there’s no way to know hat’s really happening in China right now. We can only hope for a peaceful solution, but maybe, just maybe, one man will take the whole country. Wouldn’t that be great! A Starbucks on every corner!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00m: Katie Holmes / Dave Matthews Band

Tough as Nails

Rod….Will Ferrell
Carol….Katie Holmes
A.D….Chris Kattan
Richard….Chris Parnell
Black Actor….Tracy Morgan

[Opens on a movie set. Its a cop thriller. Rod plays a thug, Carol plays a detective, a black actor plays Carol’s partner and Richard is the director]

A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 108, take 4![clack]

Richard: And action!

[Scene plays. Carol and his partner have Rod with his arms up at gunpoint]

Rod: Its like I told you lady—I ain’t talking to no cops without my lawyer.

Carol: So you think you’re a tough guy, Spinelli? Is that it? Well, I don’t like tough guys.

Rod: That ain’t my problem, missy.

Carol: Oh, yeah? Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting and Carol grabs Rod violently by the balls]So, who sold you the stuff, huh?!

Rod: [panicked] Hey, man! This chick is crazy man! Get her off me ,man!

Carol: What’s the matter Spinecky? Spi–damn it!

Richard: All right, cut, cut. Great intensity Carol. Don’t worry. We’ll do it again. How are you doing, Rod?

Rod: [in some pain] Not bad. I think I have one more in me.

Richard: Ok, great. Now Carol, remember, you’re a woman on the force, all right? They don’t respect you. You got to prove that you’re tough, all right? Don’t hold back. Rod’s a pro. Ok? All right, we’ll start from “that ain’t my problem”. Ok?

A.D.: “Tough as nails”. Scene 108, take 5![clack]

Richard: And action!

[scene plays again]

Rod: That ain’t my problem, missy.

Carol: Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs Rod’s balls hard]So where’s the stuff?!

Rod: [in pain] Hey, man! This chick’s crazy, man! Get her off me, man!

Carol: Oh, what’s the matter Spinelli? You want your mamma?

Richard: And cut! That was great.

Rod:[exhausted] Moving on!

Richard:[to Carol] Hold up. I had an idea. Maybe you come at him soft, you know, you’re real quiet-type like, but then you get your hands on those gonads and you really turn the screws on them, you know, maybe twist them.

Carol: Twist them.

Richard: Don’t stop squeezing until you hear a crunch, you know what I mean? You hate him. He knows who killed your partner, ok? You know what I mean? Rod, you good, buddy?

Rod: Well, actually Richard to tell you the truth its just a little uncomfortable.

Richard: So lets do one more and then we’ll call it a day. Ok? All right? You start, Carol.

A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 108, take 6![clack]

Richard: And action!

[Scene plays again]

Carol: Oh, yeah? Well, I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs the balls harder]Now who sold you the stuff, huh?!

Rod: [stammering incoherently]Get th–ah!, uh, aah!, aaaah!

Black Actor: Let go! Let go, man! That ain’t cool!

Richard: Cut! Come on, guys. Don’t ad-lib in here. Don’t ad-lib.

Black Actor: That was hurting me!

Carol: I really dug into him on that one.

Richard: You know what? I’d like to see more. Rod, what’s wrong, pal?

Rod:[in extreme pain] A fire down below, Richard. Can we take it easy?

Richard: All right.Ok. Carol, let up a bit. Rod’s getting sore.[whispers]Go at him even harder. If I know Rod this will be real Oscar stuff.[normal voice] Ok, nice and easy for Rod.

A.D.: “Tough as nails” Scene 8, take 7![clack]

Richard: And action!

[Scene plays again]

Carol: Oh, yeah? Well I can make it your problem.[music sting, grabs balls violently]Now who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod:[in agony]Ok, ge-,ge-, da-da-da.[music sting, another violent handful to the nuts]Get her off!!!

Carol: What’s the matter, Spinelli? You want your mamma?

Rod: Uh-huh! I do! I WANT MY MAMMA! I WANT MY MAMMA!

[a boom mike is visible in the shot]

Richard: And cut! cut! Great on performance gang. But I got a boom mike in the shot. Hello? Ok, lets take it from the grab and do three in a row real quick. Ok? And action!

[scene plays, music sting, violent grabbing on Rod’s nuts]

Carol: So who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod: Yipe!!!

[music sting, violent ball grab]

Carol: Who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod:[in pain] No, thank you!!

[music sting, violent ball grab]

Carol: Who sold you the stuff, huh?

Rod: Eeee-yaaak!

Richard: Great. We almost got it. Almost.

Rod: Richard, I’m getting some swelling. Could you come over here and take a look? I mean…

[Richard looks down Rod’s pants]

Richard: Yikes! Is that from today?

Rod: I believe so. And it would in my best interest if we just moved on.

Richard: I can see what you mean. Gosh, I would hate to miss this shot, though. It really is the whole movie. Uh, could you give me one more?

Rod: No.

Richard: Tell you what. Let me talk it over with Carol. See what we come up with, all right? Carol, listen, Rod is losing it, ok? I’m in a real bind here. I don’t think grabbing him is working. I don’t know…

Carol: Well, why don’t I just kick him?

Richard: I like it, I like it a lot. Rod, problem solved. She’s not gonna squeeze you at all.

Rod: Great. As long as she doesn’t come close to my testicle area, that’d be great. These babies are big, red and sore as hell.

Richard: And action! Go! Carol! Go!

[Carol kicks Rod square in the balls]

Rod: Cheese and biscuits!

Richard: And cut! Great! We got it, gang! We got it. That’s a wrap! Unless you want another try Rod.

Rod: [in pain] No, no, no, no. I’m good. No, I’m gonna, just gonna go head on home and maybe catch a bite to eat or something. Maybe watch some tv and um,[Rod bends and picks up something from the floor] and, uh, uh, while I’m there, I might see if I can sew these babies back on.[Rod carries his swollen, red, black and blue balls in his hands]Yeah, yeah.[walks off]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 19

00s: Lara Flynn Boyle / Bon Jovi

The Scarlet Letter

Reverend….Chris Parnell
Jedediah….Horatio Sanz
Hester Prynne….Ana Gasteyer
Young colonial….Jimmy Fallon
Steve….Will Ferrell
BJ….Lara Flynn Boyle
69….Maya Rudolph
3 Way….Rachel Dratch
Host….Darrell Hammond

[Classical music plays]

[ Caption: Premiere Playhouse ]

[Man in a suit sits on elegant library with a big leather bound book]

Host: Welcome once again to Premiere Playhouse. Tonight we present part three of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic tale of morality and hypocrisy “The Scarlet Letter”.

[cut to “The Scarlet Letter”. A woman bears the letter “A” in bright red on her chest. She is surrounded by the angry Town Elders]

Reverend: Hester Prynne, this scarlet “A” shall be a mark of your adultery and the enduring brand of your shame!

Jedediah: Know this woman! Henceforth, thou art shunned!

Jedediah and the Reverend: Shunned wanton woman! Shame on thee!

Hester Prynne: [crying] Have you no charity?!

Young colonial: Reverend, a strange woman approaches from the town by the river.

Reverend: What? Alone?

Young colonial: No, not alone, sir. She also bears a scarlet mark of shame on her breast.

Jedediah: Oh, well, she’ll find no welcome in this goodly town.

Reverend: As God is my witness! No one who wear a scarlet brand shall find sanctuary here!

Young colonial: She approaches!

[Young beautiful lady enters]

BJ: Oh, good men. [takes coat off and the letters “BJ” are branded on her chest in bright red] Pray help me.

Hester Prynne: I’m afraid you’ll find no help here. For–[pushed out of the way by the Reverend]

Reverend:[jovially] Hey, well, who have we have here?!

Jedediah: Looks like we got a new friend in town. Welcome! Welcome! Right?!

Hester Prynne: What?!

Reverend: Out of the way Prynne, can you see the lady needs help?

BJ: I have come so far and I am so weary. At any moment, I fear I may drop to my knees.

Reverend: [horny] Maybe…maybe that would be for the best.

Jedediah:[turned on] Yeah, sure, sure, yeah.

BJ: I am so grateful for your kindness. But I must be honest. I am no mere traveler. I have been shunned.

Reverend: What? Shunned? I mean, do people do that anymore?

Hester Prynne: [can’t believe it] Ahem! Hellooo?!

Reverend: But you must understand, we, the Town Elders must ask you, are you guilty of this crime of which you have been accused?

BJ: Oh, yes, yes. Many, many times! I can’t help myself.

Jedediah: [pensive] Hmm, I see. [goes to the young colonial and high five’s him and the other elders] Oh, yeeeeeeah!!!

Hester Prynne: Every sinner is given room to repent. Thou must beg for mercy and change your ways.

Jedediah: Ok, that’s enough out of you! Get out of here! [takes Hester out by the arm roughly]

Hester Prynne: What? Oh—

Reverend: Jedediah, go burn her or something. [to BJ] Now listen sweetie, you can stay the first week with me and then rotate.

BJ: So you accept me? Even with my scarlet mark of shame?

Reverend: Shame? What shame? Those letters don’t mean anything to us here.

Steve: [gay as hell,”BJ” on his chest too] Oh, I’m so glad to finally hear you say that! Its so good to be back, guys.

Reverend: No, Steve!

Steve: But you just—

Reverend: Noooo!!! Not you!

Steve: Well, have you changed your mind about this one? [takes off coat revealing the words “HJ” on his shirt]

Jedediah: No!

Reverend: No!

Steve: Then I guess I don’t need to ask about—[takes off shirt and has the letters “BF” on his undershirt]

Reverend: Absolutely not! Come on, back in the woods, Steve.

Steve: No!

[most of the cast cracks up with Will’s gayness]

Reverend: Steve, into the woods.

Steve: No!

Reverend: Steven!

Steve: Fine! [leaves]

Reverend: Now then, [to BJ] do you get high?

Jedediah: Yeah!

[back to the host]

Host: [sighs] Delightful. That concludes part three of “The Scarlet Letter”. Be sure to join us next week as the reverend is called upon to justify his righteous judgment.

[Back to “The Scarlet Letter”]

Reverend: You see, we had to kick Hester Prynne and Steve out because we can really only have one “scarlet letter” type person in this town.

BJ: Oh, that is so bad, see, I have met these two very unfortunate women on the road. And I wish that—

69: Pardon us, excuse us.

[Two ladies arrive. One with the number “69” on her chest and the other one with “3Way” on hers]

Reverend: [excited] Sweet sassy molassey! Where is the town that’s kicking these women out?! Welcome girls! Welcome!

Jedediah: Yeah!

[Town Elders get ready to party with the new arrivals. Cut to the host]

Host: That’s coming up in the next stirring installment of “The Scarlet Letter”. Here on the Spice channel.

[Spice logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Passive-Aggressive Pam

Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Lana…..Katie Holmes
Ken…..Jerry Minor
Passive-Aggressive Pam…..Ana Gasteyer
Barbershop Quartet…..Will Ferrell, Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, Jimmy Fallon

[ open on co-workers chatting to one another in break room ]

Maya: ..then I noticed I’d copied all the papers on pink paper!

Lana: [ walks up ] Hi. It’s my first day, and I was wondering if you could tell me where the supply cabinet is?

Maya: Oh. Oh, welcome. What department are you in?

Lana: I’m in Consulting. I work for.. Pam. [ the group members groan to themselves ] Uh.. is something bad?

Ken: You’ve got Passive-Aggressive Pam.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: [ enters ] Hi-i-i-i! [ group members barely responds ] Ooh.. you look tired. [ fake smile ] Hey, Lana, I thought we were meeting in my office? Oh, well.. I guess I goofed!

[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]

Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]
“It’s a friendly little zinger
but it’s always got a stinger.
A verbal middle finger
is a nasty humdinger!
Hey! That compliment was really a slam!
It’s Passive-Aggressive Pa-a-a-a-a-ammm!”

[ Barbershop Quartet quickly stumble out of the scene as it comes back to life ]

Ken: How’s it going, Pam?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh, fine. You know, I want to work in this department. Every time I’m in here, you’re on break!

[ they all turn to leave ]

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Hey, Ken, by the way – good job on that report. It was actually really useful! Hooray for you you!

Ken: Thank you?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: No problem! [ Ken exits ] So, Lana.. how’s it been going so far?

Lana: Oh, great. Everyone’s been really nice.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Yeah, they put on quite a show! [ laughs ] Say.. that’s really a cute outfit! I wish I could pull off that funky brick-store look!

Lana: Thanks.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Hey, remind me to tell you about the dress code, okay?

Lana: Is this inappropriate, or something?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: No. No, no, no.. I don’t have a problem with it. There’s no point in you going home today, anyway. [ laughs ] Okay. So, what you do here is, you key in your job number and your client number – it’s not rocket science, we’re all college grads here!

Lana: Well, in my case, junior college.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh! Junior college is great! You know, my nephew has a learning disability, and he loves junior college!

[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]

Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]
“She’ll casually insult you,
but she’ll say it with a grin.
You’ll think that she is praising you
while you take it on the chin!”

[ Barbershop Quartet quickly stumble out of the scene as it comes back to life ]

Lana: Uh.. Pam.. I was wondering, if it’s okay with you, I was thinking about coming in early tomorrow and doing some reorganizing?

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Ooh.. I love that ambition! Listen, if you end up blowing it off, just leave me a message!

Lana: Oh, no, I’ll be here. I come in with my fiance – he has to come in early, anyway.. he works in Accounting.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oh, your fiance! Who’s that?

Lana: Sean Bartlett.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: See! I told everyone he wasn’t gay! Good for you. And, you know what, if it doesn’t work out, you’re only.. 27..?

Lana: Uh.. 22.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Oo-ooh! I spy a sun worshipper! Be careful!

Lana: Uh.. Pam? I’m very, very comfortable with conflict.. so, if there’s anything about me, you know, my clothes, my age, where I went to school, you know, you can come right out and tell me.

Passive-Aggressive Pam: Okay. Alright. Great. Thank you. I will keep that in mind. Can I offer you a mint?

[ enter Barbershop Quartet, as the scene stands still ]

Barbershop Quartet: [ singing ]
“She’s smiling, but she’s mean
It’s that, or what it seems.
You know that compliment was really a slam!
It’s Passive-Aggressive..”

Passive-Aggressive Pam: First time singing?

Barbershop Quartet: “Pa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-mmmmmm!!!”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4



Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

The Coconut Bangers Ball

Robert Goulet…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman Mr. Robert Goulet.

Robert Goulet: Hello I’m Robert Goulet Da da de da da do. I know one thing we can agree on when a professional gets his mitts on a song that’s when it really takes off. Da da de da da do ba dob a do. That’s why I’ve gone out and done the music world a frickin’ service, and cut this compact disc. It’s called The Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s A Rap. Ha Ha Ha A little inside I know. Anyway what you get is one full hour of rip roarin’ rap music. Not by some dubious ruffians without the chops, but by a professionally trained voice man. No musical accompaniment. It’s just me out there. Watch what I do with this little ditty from Sisqo called the “Thong Song.”

(singing “Thong Song” by Sisqo)

“Oh girl that dress is so scandolous,
And you know another Nigga couldn’t handle it.
You see dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Not like a what, what, what
Baby move you butt,butt,butt
I think I’ll sing it again
Sha bang, sha bop,bop bop.
Thong Song”

Something like that. Hey you wouldn’t let a clown fix a leak in the john. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz.Yeah!!!!! I don’t care if he is mister Notorious big. Can he croon.

(singing “Poppa” by Notorious B.I.G.)

“Poppa, I like it when you call me Big Poppa
Throw your hands in the air if you think your a playa
Poppa, I love it when you call me Big Poppa
To the honeys makin’ money playin’ niggaz just like dummies
Poppa”

You get the idea. We call it Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s A Rap. It’s Snoopy, Dre, Biggie, Puff Man, Cooooooooolio, the whole bunch.

(singing Who Let The Dogs Out by Baha Men)

“Who let the dogs out,
Who let those dogs out,
Who let those little muts gooooooooooo!
Yeah! Goulet!”

Well I gotta a gig to make, but do yourself a big favor alright and go out and ( Big Horn walks into scene) hold on lookee here. It’s a big horn. Well! (grabs bowl of food) That’s why I come up here. Look at you. You’re hungry. You don’t even blink do you . Quick staring contest me and you Now! (staring contest begins, Goulet blinks) You win, you always do. That’s why I come up here.

(singing)

Nature! Goulet!

Anyway check out the CD you’ll just love it. Or my name isn’t Robert Goulet.

Announcer: The Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s A Rap in stores now.

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts