Category: 2000

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 26: Episode 1

00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

Airport Blind Date

Ray Murphy…..Molly Shannon
Rick Jennings…..Will Ferrell
Bartender…..Chris Kattan

[ open on an airport bar, with Rick Jennings sitting to the right.Ray Murphy appears, and Ray looks to the left as she arrives. ]

Ray Murphy: Hi! Are you Rick Jennings?

Rick Jennings: Yes, hi!

Ray Murphy: Hi…

Rick Jennings: Ray?

Ray Murphy: Ray.

Rick Jennings: Ray…

Ray Murphy: Murphy?

Rick Jennings: Yeah, Ray Murphy.

Ray Murphy: Nice to meet you…

Rick Jennings: Nice to meet you too… yeah…

Ray Murphy: Good…

Rick Jennings: Yeah…

Ray Murphy: So nice to meet you…

Rick Jennings: So nice to meet you!

Ray Murphy: Well…

Rick Jennings: You look great!

Ray Murphy: Thank you… so do you!

Rick Jennings: Sorry the stool is so high…

Ray Murphy: [ laughs ] That’s OK!

Rick Jennings: So, yeah…

Ray Murphy: Yeah…

[ they repeat this uncertainty routine for a few seconds ]

Rick Jennings: So…

Ray Murphy: It’s so nice to finally put a face with the voice I’ve talked to on the phone for so long.

Rick Jennings: [ in agreement ] Oh yeah, right, right!

Ray Murphy: So…

Rick Jennings: Do you, uh.. do you go on blind dates much?

Ray Murphy: You know, I really don’t, they sorta scare me. I’m a pretty shy person…

Rick Jennings: That’s understandable.

Ray Murphy: …and the whole thing just sorta makes me feel a little bit embarrassed or vulnerable, like that.

Rick Jennings: That’s fine, well… thank you for showing up!

Ray Murphy: Well, thank you for thanking me!

[ They both laugh ]

Ray Murphy: So…

Rick Jennings: Yeah… Would you likea drink?

Ray Murphy: Sure! I’m gonna have… a whiskey sour.

Rick Jennings: OK! I think I’ll have one, too!

Ray Murphy: Great!

Rick Jennings: [ to Bartender ] Excuse me. [ Bartender appears ] Um, can we have two whiskey sours?

Bartender: Two whiskey sours?

Rick Jennings: Yeah.

Bartender: OK. [ taps table, then leaves ]

Ray Murphy: So… can I ask you a question?

Rick Jennings: Yeah, sure.

Ray Murphy: Why did you pick an airport bar as a first date?

Rick Jennings: You know.. I thought you lived near the airport.

Ray Murphy: Really? That’s strange. No, I live down by the Dunes.

Rick Jennings: Oh.. OK.

Ray Murphy: Yeah…

Rick Jennings: How is it, is it nice down there?

Ray Murphy: Yeah, it’s great. My brother Mack and his wife have a place down there, so sometimes I stay with them.

Rick Jennings: Wait, so I’m confused. So, do you not have your own place, do you stay with your brother and his sister?

Ray Murphy: You know what, I don’t really wanna talk about that right now; I just met you and I don’t know you all that well, and maybe when I get to know you better I can tell you about my living situation, because, well… I really don’t wanna talk about it right now. So…

Rick Jennings: That’s fine.

Ray Murphy: Yeah.. sorta how I feel.

Rick Jennings: Fine.

Ray Murphy: So…

Rick Jennings: Yeah, we don’t hafta talk about it.

Ray Murphy: Yeah… OK… [ Bartender appears ]

Bartender: Two whiskey sours. [ places the drinks in front of Ray and his date ]

Rick Jennings: Thank you.

Bartender: Are either of you two on the 8:00 American flight to Boston?

Together: No, no…

Bartender: Because it just got delayed two hours… [ to Ray ] So you’re lucky. [ leaves ]

Rick Jennings: Yeah…

Ray Murphy: So, where do you live?

Rick Jennings: [ mimicking his date ] Um.. you know what? I’d really rather not talk about it right now… no, just kidding! I live just off of Dewberry Street–

Ray Murphy: [ peeved ] That’s not funny.

Rick Jennings: I was.. I was just joking.

Ray Murphy: Yeah, well, that’s not my kind of joking. [ awkward pause ] Maybe we could just change the subject.

Rick Jennings: OK, let’s just change it.

Ray Murphy: I’m sorta hungry, do you wanna get something to eat, like some chicken fingers?

Rick Jennings: That sounds great! That sounds great! [ to Bartender ] Excuse me… [Bartender appears] can we order some chicken fingers?

Bartender: You know what, we’re all out of chicken fingers.

Rick Jennings: OK… [ to Ray ] Do you like shrimp?

Ray Murphy: I LOVE shrimp, that sounds great!

Rick Jennings: OK… [ to Bartender ] Shrimp?

Bartender: Popcorn shrimp?

Rick Jennings: Yeah, that sounds great.

Bartender: OK. [ taps table once, then leaves ]

Ray Murphy: Um.. so what kind of work do you do?

Rick Jennings: I sell eyeglasses. I know it sounds weird.

Ray Murphy: It doesn’t sound weird.

Rick Jennings: Oh good, yeah.

Ray Murphy: I think it’s so cute when you see little babies or little children that wear little glasses.. it’s SO cute!

Rick Jennings: Yes! Or babies that wear sunglasses!

Ray Murphy: Exactly!

Rick Jennings: Adorable, it really is.

Ray Murphy: Cute…

Rick Jennings: [ to himself ] What else, what else can I ask you… [ Bartender appears ]

Bartender: Here’s your popcorn shrimp.

Ray Murphy and Ray Murphy: Mmmmmm…

Ray Murphy: That looks so good…

Rick Jennings: I absolutely love shrimp.

Ray Murphy: Is it your favorite food?

Rick Jennings: …Yes. Does your brother Mack, does he like shrimp?

Ray Murphy: [ shocked ] You know what, I don’t really wanna talk about that right now.

Rick Jennings: OK. I was just asking…

Ray Murphy: Well, don’t ask.

Rick Jennings: Listen, I’m sorry, I just think it’s weird that every time I ask you something about your brother, it’s a sensitive subject.

Ray Murphy: [ upset ] Look… why are you so curious about him? I told you I don’t wanna talk about him, and here we are going round and round talking about my brother. Why are you so curious about my brother Mack?

Rick Jennings: I just think it’s odd that I can’t ask you about your brother Mack or his wife or living down by the Dunes.

Ray Murphy: [ even more distraught ] Please stop talking about it! God! Really! [Bartender appears]

Bartender: How are we doing over here?

Rick Jennings: We’re doing fine, yeah… we’re doing great.

Bartender: …OK. [ taps counter once, then leaves ]

Rick Jennings: You know, it’s funny, I’m driving a rental car, and–

Ray Murphy: [ interrupting ] You know what, I’m gonna go. I’m gonna leave… I’m gonna leave, I have sort of a full plate… so I’m gonna grab my purse and…

Rick Jennings: Can I call you sometime?

Ray Murphy: Yeah… No.

Rick Jennings: Yeah, don’t call.

Ray Murphy: I really don’t think we’re a match, I know that sounds rough but that’s just sorta how I feel… so…

Rick Jennings: So, don’t call you?

Ray Murphy: No, don’t call. You want some money?

Rick Jennings: No, no, no, my treat.

Ray Murphy: Good… great…

Rick Jennings: Well, good luck.

Ray Murphy: Good luck to you!

[ they shake hands, then she leaves ]

[ Bartender appears ]

Ray Murphy: You know what, it turns out we did have those chicken fingers.

Rick Jennings: OK… that might be nice…

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Paul Buxton

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 3

00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

Dana Carvey’s Monologue

…..Rob Lowe
…..Brendan Fraser

Dana Carvey: Alright! The Mets: 3, the Yankees: 2! I want us all to be happy and win – let’s join hands and pray! [ touches hair ] I’ve got a little George Bush hair, this is the weirdest hair I’ve ever had on TV. A little spiky. Uh.. who are you guys gonna vote for, Gore or Bush? I’m undecided. [ laughs ] I like Gore, though. I like the way he talks.. [ mimicking ] I like that sort of low-er thing he’s got. I like that little Top one-per-cent will ben-e-fit.. He just wants to distance himself from Clinton, have you noticed that? He gets up every morning: “I’m just gonna dis-tance my-self this morn-ing.. and then I’ll have break-fast, and I’ll spend two hours dis-tanc-ing my-self..

Bush is kind of cool. He’s got some weird faces, though, as Will’s been doing on the show. He’s got this one look where he goes to the side.. [ demonstrates ] ..kind of like that, when he’s thinking. And then, when he’s listening, he makes his mouth smaller than it anatomically should be able to get. I’ve never seen a mouth that tiny! When he’s listening to Gore, he’s like this.. [ demonstrates ] And the final one is when he’s got something kind of clever inside, and his eyebrows want to go up with the light but he’s trying to keep them down – this one.. [ demonstrates ] He’s smooth, because Gore is with all the details: “10%, and Top 5%, and I’ll do $1 for every $2, we’ve got $300 billion this and that..” And Bush is just sitting there going, “You know, if he wants to say I’m a hard-hearted person, that’s just not true!” [ snickers ]

I don’t know. They could have Lieberman in there, he’s cool. He says God a lot, which I think is kind of charming. He sounds like he has an intestinal problem, doesn’t he? [ mimicking ] “I mean.. God bless.. God bless everybody.. but I gotta find a bathroom!”

A lot of important stuff hinges on this election, you know? A lot of people are watching it closely. Microsoft, Bill Gates is watching this. Bill Gates, who apparently made a deal with the Devil – “You can have $60 billion, but you have to go through life looking like a turtle.” [ laughs ] I found out that Microsoft is gonna have Johnnie Cochran be their lead attorney for their appeal. Which is a good idea, that guy is brilliant, Johnnie Cochran.. [ mimicking ] “It’s an outrage! It’s an outrage to talk about Microsoft’s a monopoly! Everyone knows Monopoly’s a board game! That’s right! Talk about St. Charles Place! Talk about Indiana Avenue! Talk about little tiny, metal top hat! If there is no Community Chest, you must not arrest!”

Ladies and gentlemen, The Wallflowers are here! We’ve got a great show, stick around we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: 2000-2001


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Starring:

Jimmy Fallon

Will Ferrell

Ana Gasteyer

Darrell Hammond

Chris Kattan

Tracy Morgan

Chris Parnell

Horatio Sanz

Molly Shannon

Featuring:

Rachel Dratch

Tina Fey

Jerry Minor

Maya Rudolph

Episodes

10/07/00: Rob Lowe / Eminem

10/14/00: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

10/21/00: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

11/04/00: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

11/11/00: Calista Flockhart / Ricky Martin

11/18/00: Tom Green / David Gray

12/09/00: Val Kilmer / U2

12/16/00: Lucy Liu / Jay-Z

01/13/01: Charlie Sheen / Nelly Furtado

01/20/01: Mena Suvari / Lenny Kravitz

02/08/01: Primetime Extra 2

02/10/01: Jennifer Lopez

02/17/01: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

02/14/01: Katie Holmes / Dave Matthews Band

03/10/01: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

03/17/01: Julia Stiles / Aerosmith

04/07/01: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

04/14/01: Rene Zelwegger / Eve

05/05/01: Pierce Brosnan / Destiny’s Child

05/12/01: Lara Flynn Boyle / Bon Jovi

05/19/01: Christopher Walken / Weezer

SummaryWith the advent of the 2000 season, “Saturday Night Live” has been on the air for a quarter of a century, and now advances to the next millenium. Fans finally say goodbye to Tim Meadows, who spent a tenth of a century as a cast member on the show. Cheri Oteri and Colin Quinn also left at the end of the 25th season; though Cheri’s departure didn’t traumatize production of the show, Colin’s resignation left a void behind the “Weekend Update” desk, sending producers into a frantic rush to find a replacement. After a series of auditions, a decision had been made – a return to the old days of “Weekend Update” as a co-anchor team, with fan favorite Jimmy Fallon and head writer Tina Fey chosen as the new anchors. Other new faces include Jerry Minor and Maya Rudolph, the latter of whom spent two episodes at the end of last season testing the waters.

2000 is also an important election year, as “SNL” gets the nod from the network to air a prime-time special of favorite political sketches from the first 25 years, complete with the real George W. Bush and Al Gore opening the show. And with an election that seems unable to draw a clear winner, Will Ferrell and Darrell Hammond gain a little extra time to perfect their impressions of the candidates!

Aside from the election special, the cast received an extra 40 minutes’ worth of performance time on Thursdays, as NBC attempted to pull some of the ratings from CBS’ “Survivor” series. The ploy wasn’t very effective, though Molly Shannon helped boost the regular time slot’s ratings when she decided to leave “SNL” following the February 17th, 2001 broadcast.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1

00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

Monday Night Football

Al Michaels…..Darrell Hammond
Dan Fouts…..Will Ferrell
Dennis Miller…..Jimmy Fallon
Melissa Stark…..Maya Rudolph
Eric Dickerson…..Tracy Morgan

Al Michaels: This Teflon-coated roof will be vibrating tonight as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers battle the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football. Hello, everybody, I’m Al Michaels. The Buccaneers, who are tied for first place, are about to take on the undefeated Minnesota Vikings in what should be a thriller. Then tomorrow night on ABC, from a single girl to a mother of two in six dates flat, The Geena Davis Show. I’m joined now by Dan Fouts.

Dan Fouts: Hey, Al.

Al Michaels: Dan, it seems to me that the Buccaneers and the Vikings are serious Super Bowl favourites.

Dan Fouts: That’s right, Al. Tampa Bay is an excellent, excellent football team. But the Vikings have a great football team too. Al, my prediction is that whoever puts the most points on the scoreboard will probably win tonight’s football game.

Al Michaels: The expertise of a true NFL great. For an injury report, let’s go to Melissa Stark.

Melissa Stark: Hi, Al. Tampa Bay running back Warrick Dunn is out for the third straight game after tearing the medialateral ligament in his left knee. Now, this is a guy who’s averaged 4.6 yards a carry, Al. You know, Al, you may not take me seriously because I’m a woman wearing a lavender sweater set from Club Monaco, but I know one thing, Al. I know my football!

Dan Fouts: That girl’s got something, she’s got a real spark, and that’s all right with me, Al.

Al Michaels: We’re joined now by Dennis Miller. Dennis, Tampa Bay coach Tony Dungie, what do you think?

Dennis Miller: Well folks, tonight’s pigskin competition will involve more offensive strategy than an Albert Spier designed German blitzkreig! On one side, you’ve got Dennis Green, a draft pick virtuoso, not to mention a guy who stole Eldridge Cleaver’s afro! Ha ha! On the other side of the ball, we’ve got Bucko’s skipper Tony Dungie, who created a pass rush just as volatile as Dennis Hopper after a three day crystal meth binge, babe! By any measure, wide receiver Randy Moss scores more often than Leo DiCaprio at an NSYNC concert at the Mall of America during a lunar eclipse! If Tampa Bay loses tonight, they’ll be understudies in the Bogaraton dinner theatre production of Les Mis with Warren Sapp as Jean Valjean! Isn’t that right, Albino!

Al Michaels: Warren Sapp, perhaps the most feared man in the NFC, and this Friday on ABC, it’s Madigan Men!

Dennis Miller: Hey, Al, I saw the Madigan Men pilot. It’s got fewer laughs than Molly Blum’s internal monologue at the end of Jimmy Joyce’s “Ulysses.”

Dan Fouts: Ulysses, I love this guy, Al.

Dennis Miller: It’s like attending Haley Joel Osment’s birthday party at Benny Hara..

Dan Fouts: Dennis, you lost me on that one, buddy.

Al Michaels: You know, a lot has been made about the great running backs, who better to discuss it, here’s Eric Dickerson.

Eric Dickerson: My man.. Who’s proud about it. Dante Culpepper’s proud about it. I met Dante at the bar. He passed for three touchdowns last week. I asked Dante about the Tampa Bay D. But Dante said he’s not worried about that. I told him you gotta get your freak on, kid. He said, I’m a butler..

Al Michaels: Well, thoughtful commentary from the former Ram, and political drama this Wednesday on ABC’s Gideon’s Crossing. Dan, quarterback Shaun King, your take.

Dan Fouts: Al, Shaun King knows how to throw the football. Okay, and a quarterback is able to take that football up into the air into the hands of the reciever as he’s running down the field, really that’ll help this team score a touchdown, and that’s what this game’s all about.

Al Michaels: For an injury update, let’s go back to Melissa Stark.

Melissa Stark: Hi Al. Viking tackle Tony Williams may not play due to a groin injury. I don’t know firsthand what that feels like, Al, but you probably don’t understand the pain of childbirth either, Al. You know, Al, I know it’s awkward for you to be working with a woman, but I wish you’d say hi to me in the hallway sometimes. Hopefully in time, Al, you won’t see me as a threat, but as a colleague, who knows her football.

Dan Fouts: I like this lady, Al, I really do.

Dennis Miller: Dan, it looks like you’re sprouting a little wood there, babe. I haven’t seen a package that tight since I got a COD from Teddy Kaczinski!

Al Michaels: We’re just two minutes away from kickoff here at the Metrodome, and I think all of you Monday Night Football fans will agree, that this new crew that I’m working with makes me very lucky to have worked with Boomer Esaison. We’ll be right back after this.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Jordan Davidson

SNL Transcripts

Angry Boss

Mr. Tarkanian…..Will Ferrell
Job Applicant…..Pierce Brosnan
Secretary…..Tina Fey
Female Employee…..Rachel Dratch
Male Employee…..Chris Kattan
Black Employee…..Jerry Minor
Scott Jurgenson…..Chris Parnell

[ open on interior, Mr. Tarkanian’s office, as he interviews a Job Applicant ]

Mr. Tarkanian: And we offer full benefits, and three weeks’ paid vacation.

Job Applicant: Oh? Three weeks? Wow!

Mr. Tarkanian: Yeah.. I’m not gonna lie to you, Kirk, you’re very high on our list, and we want you to work here very much. So, what do you think?

Job Applicant: I, uh.. I think I want the job.

Mr. Tarkanian: Fantastic!

Job Applicant: Oh, excellent!

Mr. Tarkanian: Great. So, we’ll give you a pass key, and assign you a desk and a parking space, and..

Female Employee: [ timidly approaches ] Excuse me, Mr. Tarkanian?

Mr. Tarkanian: [ angry ] Why are you interrupting me?!

Female Employee: Well, I just thought that..

Mr. Tarkanian: You thought?! You DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHEN I AM BUSY!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!! I do NOT want you to pull this AMATEUR BULLCRAP, ALRIGHT?!! I’m a PROFESSIONAL! Do you HEAR me?!! Do you UNDERSTAND ME?!!

Female Employee: [ frightened ] Yes.. Mr. Tarkanian.. [ runs out of office ]

Mr. Tarkanian: [ returns to Job Applicant as though nothing had happened ] So, you should probably go to Personnel and get started on your paperwork..

Job Applicant: [ bewildered ] What, what was that about..?

Mr. Tarkanian: Oh.. oh, sorry you had to see that.. she can, uh, she can be a real bitch! [ laughs ] Hey, you’re timing is perfect – we’re having the company barbecue next month. I hope you like barbecues.

Job Applicant: Oh, I enojy barbecue quite a bit, actually!

Mr. Tarkanian: Good.

Male Employee: [ enters ] Here you are, Mr. Tarkanian, the new copy’s finished.

Mr. Tarkanian: [ looks it over ] Okay, you know what? I don’t know if I would have done this.. yeah.

Male Employee: Is there a problem with it, or..?

Mr. Tarkanian: [ stands ] You do NOT hand in CRAP like THIS!! This looks like you took a CRAP or a DUMP in the PRINTER!! You are SCUM!! I should FIRE you and BURN down your FRIGGIN’ HOUSE!! I am THIS close to RAPING YOU!!

Male Employee: I’m sorry.. [ exits ]

Job Applicant: [ tries not to laugh ]

Mr. Tarkanian: Office politics. Sometimes I think this place is like “Ally McBeal”.

Job Applicant: Is this.. is this how you deal with your employees?

Mr. Tarkanian: What?

Job Applicant: Uh.. I.. I’m not sure I want to work in this kind of environment.

Mr. Tarkanian: [ looks at his Secretary ] Hold on a second..

Secretary: [ tending a personal call ] Car accident?! Oh, my God, is he okay..?

Mr. Tarkanian: HEY!! HEY!! NOT ON MY WATCH!! NO PERSONAL PHONE CALLS!! ALRIGHT?! I SHOULD POUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH!! USE COMPANY TIME TO TALK TO YOUR DISGUSTING WHORE FRIENDS?!! NO!! [ hangs up phone ] YOU DO NOT DO THIS!! YOU DO NOT!! [ bitch-slaps her ]

Secretary: [ cries ]

Mr. Tarkanian: [ casually returns to his desk ] Hey-ey-ey! Just takin’ care of some business! You want to go out for a beer and celebrate?

Job Applicant: I-I-I don’t think I want to work here..

Mr. Tarkanian: Why? What’s wrong? [ Black Employee enters eating a donut ] HEY!! HEY!!

Black Employee: [ confused ] What is it, Mr. Tarkanian?

Mr. Tarkanian: [ stands ] Oh, thank you, that’s exactly the response I’m looking for! [ kicks Black Employee down ] Now, get up! GET UP, you CRAZY BLACK MAN! I’m going to make you DRINK my PISS!! [ fumbles with his zipper ]

Black Employee: [ scared ] Hey, are you crazy, man?!!

Mr. Tarkanian: [ primal scream ] I am a STRONG man!! ANYONE in this office, take a RUN AT ME!!

Scott Jurgenson: [ enters carrying a trident and a net ] Mr. Tarkanian!! I am ready to take you!! I have been LIFTING WEIGHTS and doing COCAINE all day!! And I want a BIG PIECE of YOU, sir!!

Mr. Tarkanian: [ excited ] OHHHHHH!!! SCOTT JURGENSON!! I LOVE it!! I am ACTUALLY gonna MURDER YOU!!

[ Scott attempts to attack Mr. Tarkanian with the trident, but Tarkanian punches him in the face and seizes the trident away, then pushes Scott to the ground and stabs him thirty-three times with the trident, as Job Applicant watches in horror ]

Mr. Tarkanian: [ finished, nonchalantly returns to his desk ] Alright.. sorry to keep you waiting.. let’s get you logged on to your computer.

Job Applicant: You are a terrible, terrible man!

Mr. Tarkanian: Well.. I’m a stickler! We take a lot of pride around here. It’s not easy running the best – well, the fourth best – in-flight magazine in the business.

Job Applicant: I don’t really think I want to work here, thank you.

Mr. Tarkanian: Well, that’s a real shame. That article you wrote for Continental about Peter Falk’s favorite restaurants in San Fransisco really turned some heads around here.

Job Applicant: You just murdered one of your employees with a trident!

Mr. Tarkanian: You know what? Just work here, okay? Take some time to weigh the pros and cons. Pros: you’ll be working for a slightly-above in-flight magazine, for $22,400 a year; cons: me, kicking you ’til there’s blood in your stool, then grabbing your wife’s boobies while you’re tied up with a racquetball shoved in your mouth. Now, balance it out, and think about it..

Job Applicant: [ stands ] I just don’t think I want to work here!

Mr. Tarkanian: Fair enough. Ordinarily, I’d whip your nuts with a car antenna for that kind of callous attitude – but you thought about it, and you don’t want to work here. [ spots Secretary exiting the office ] HEY!! YOU GET BACK HERE!! [ chases screaming secretary out of office ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan

Don Pardo: Season’s greetings from all of us here at “Saturday Night Live”.

[ show Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan all dressed in red, as fake snow falls on them. Horatio is playing a lute, Jimmy is playing a keyboard with a built-in drum machine that Chris Kattan is holding, and Tracy Morgan is running in place beside them, as jingle bells play in the background. ]

Horatio Sanz: One…

[ Jimmy turns on keyboard ]

Horatio Sanz: One…

Jimmy Fallon: Two…

Horatio Sanz: One-

Jimmy Fallon: Two-

Horatio Sanz: Three-

Jimmy Fallon: Four!

[ they start playing ]

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what your momma says-“
Horatio and Jimmy: “Christmas time is nee-ear!
I don’t care what your daddy says-“
Horatio Sanz: “Christmas time is dee-ear!”
Horatio and Jimmy: “All I know is that Santa’s sleigh
Is making its way to the U. S. A.!

I don’t care what the mayor says-
Christmas is full of chee-eer!
I don’t care if you think it’s a lie-“
Horatio Sanz: “Christmas will be soon be hee-ere!
I don’t care about the C. I. A.-“
Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care what the calendars say!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”

[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Joacob Silj…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

On Thursday the crew of the downed EP-3 spy plane returned to American soil. China however has not returned the plane itself. Chinese officials have told US negotiators that if they want the plane back they’ll just have to go on eBay and bid like everybody else.

Jimmy Fallon: According to White House aides during the standoff with China, President Bush did not rely on the advice of Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush was however in constant contact with his most trusted advisor – his magic 8 ball.

Tina Fey: On his trip to India last week Bill Clinton dedicated a new girls college named after his wife Hillary. The former President offered best wishes to all the new students of Frigid Pear-shaped Harpy University.

Jimmy Fallon: Carol Denis a former back-up singer for Bob Dylan said this week that from 1986 to 1992 she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan however insists that the marriage was not a secret, it’s just that whenever he told people that, they couldn’t understand a word he said.

Tina Fey: In Washington last week officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of 200 hundred high school students. There were no survivors.

Jimmy Fallon: Scientists this week unveiled the first human blood substitute, a synthetic substance that functions like red blood cells. The product will be marketed under the brand name I can’t Believe it’s Not Blood!

Tina Fey: The 11 day standoff between China and the United States is over, but the long term effects on xeno-american relations remain to be seen. Joining us now with his insights is the state department attaché for the US Ambassador to China, Jacob Silj.

Will Ferrell: (in a loud voice) Thank you Tina. Our relations with China have long been shaped by a tug of war between economic interests and political ideologies.

Tina Fey: Holy God.

Will Ferrell: Yes, I’ll get to religion Tina, but first Taiwan (pulls out map) A Japanese colony until 1945 —

Tina Fey: No Jacob. Your voice.

Will Ferrell: My voice?

Tina Fey: You’re shouting.

Will Ferrell: How dare you. I have a voice related medical condition.

Tina Fey: Oh, I’m very sorry.

Will Ferrell: I suffer from voice immodulation Tina. I’m unable to control the pitch or volume of my voice. Also known as Van Horton’s Syndrome, VI is a recognized psycho-medical condition which you may have read about in Newsweek or Crack Magazine. Numerous prominent Americans suffer from this debilitating disease Tina, including the guy who played Rodge on “What’s Happening” and tennis great Pete Sampras.

Tina Fey: Jacob, I’ve heard Pete Sampras speak and he doesn’t shout all the time.

Will Ferrell: Pete Sampras has low grade voice immodulation. He is a poster child for voice immodulation awareness and proof that even the voice immodulated can contribute to a society filled with prejudice people like you. Tina.

Tina Fey: Jacob, that’s not fair.

Will Ferrell: Fair! I’ll tell you what’s not fair, Tina. Imagine being at a high school dance, singing along with everyone else “and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now.” Or how about sitting in the privacy of your church confessional and whispering to your priest, “I’ve had impure thoughts about that hippy puppet in the Muppet Show Band.”

Tina Fey: Janice?

Will Ferrell: Janice, yes. Or looking into a woman’s eyes and gently murmuring to her, “I want to touch you, I want to touch you.”

Tina Fey: OK Jacob, we get it. It’s a problem.

Will Ferrell: No wonder I’m a 48 year-old virgin.

Tina Fey: Right well Jacob thanks for coming out. Thank you.

Will Ferrell: Boy Jacob, you could have taught these people a lot about China tonight if it weren’t for that rude bitch.

Tina Fey: Jacob, I can hear you.

Will Ferrell: I’m sorry. You think I’d know better by now.

Tina Fey: Jacob Silj, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, President Bush wrote a letter offering his condolences to the wife of the missing Chinese fighter pilot. After Bush wrote the letter, it was quickly given to experts and translated. Then it was translated into Chinese.

Tina Fey: Actress Tara Reid has indefinitely postponed her marriage to TRL’s Caron Daly. Caron Daly dropping to number 3 this week behind a male model and a crew guy from Josie and the Pussycats.

And now with a review of the new Broadway play, The Producers, is our own, Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright thanks a lot Tina. The Producers, it stars Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. You know, I couldn’t get tickets for this play. It’s like sold-out for like 2 years. But here’s what I think it’s about. Ferris Bueller comes out, I mean Matthew Broderick comes out and he’s like “I can’t believe it. I’m going to produce a play called ‘Springtime for Hitler’. What’s the point? It could be about Hitler, it could be about Stalin. It still won’t change the fact that I don’t have a car. Chack-uh-ka-cha. Oh Yeah!

And Nathan Lane comes out and he’s like (singing) “we’re going to produce, I’m a producer. Hakuna Mata for the rest of” You can do this at home if you want. “Hakuna Matata, means no passing phrase. Hakunaaa (curtain comes down and goes back up quickly) Matata!” Break a leg guys. See you at the Tony’s.

Tina Fey: The Bush family cat, Ernie, missing for weeks, turned up early Tuesday morning wandering down Hollywood’s Avenue of the Stars – coked out of its mind.

Jimmy Fallon: Republican Jane Swift became governor of Massachusetts this week making her the first pregnant governor in US history – that I know of!

Tina Fey: How many governors are you sleeping with?

Jimmy Fallon: Uh, I don’t kiss governors and tell. Back to you Tina.

Tina Fey: You are a creep.

Jimmy Fallon: Why?

Tina Fey: The FBI will install high tech scrambling devices to prevent people from picking up the closed circuit broadcast of Timothy McVeigh’s execution. Which means that on May 16th some young man that thinks he’s watching scrambled porn may actually be masturbating to a lethal injection. Whatever works.

Mariah Carey last week signed a recording contract with Virgin records for 25 million dollars an album. The signing is considered a coup for the company although Virgin records will now have to change its name to skank records.

Jimmy Fallon: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has apologized to audio technicians after Mike Meyers made fun of Best Sound and Sound Editing categories at last month’s Oscars. Meyers explained his actions stating (sound cuts in and out as Jimmy reads the statement)

Tina Fey: On Thursday Harvey R. Ball, the inventor of the smiley face, died. He is survived by his wife and two children. (graphic: women’s restroom sign, crosswalk sign)

Jimmy Fallon: For weekend Update I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Thanks to Adagio216 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 7th, 2000

Rob Lowe

Eminem

None

Dennis McNicholas

Paula Pell

Jim Downey

Ralph Nader

Lorne Michaels

Dido

Tim Meadows

Brendan Fraser
First Presidential DebateSummary: In their first debate monitored by Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell), Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) dominates all the questions before George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) can give an incoherent answer.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Al Gore, Jim Lehrer.

Transcript

Montage

Rob Lowe’s MonologueSummary: Rob Lowe taackles off-topic questions about “The West Wing” from members of the audience.

Also Hosted: 89o, 96q.

Transcript

Corn Chip Nail TipsSummary: The perfect snack food for hip hop nail biters.

Monday Night FootballSummary: Al Michaels (Darrell Hammond) is flustered by lack of professionalism from his new co-hosts, Dan Fouts (Will Ferrell) and Dennis Miller (Jimmy Fallon).

Recurring Characters: Al Michaels, Dan Fouts, Dennis Miller, Eric Dickerson.

Transcript

Ralph Nader BackstageSummary: Backstage, Ralph Nader tries to sell Rob Lowe on his government ideas.

Transcript

Pros & ConsSummary: Nancy Grace (Ana Gasteyer) discusses the self-involved detective work of meddlers Shaggy (Rob Lowe) and Scooby Doo.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace.

Transcript

Eminem & Dido perform “Stan”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Ladies man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) promotes his new movie during a supposed Hollywood editorial. Tina Fey rants about Britney Spears. Againg rappers Grand Master Rap (Jerry Minor) and Kid Shazaam (Horatio Sanz) laud newcomer Eminem.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps, Grand Master Rap, Kid Shazaam.

Transcript

Airport Blind DateSummary: Ray Murphy (Molly Shannon) makes her blind date, Rick Jennings (Will Ferrell), uncomfortable during their first face-to-face meeting.

Transcript

Dateline Pre-TapesSummary: While pre-taping a promo for a story on trampolines, Stone Phillips (Rob Lowe) attempts to perfect his delivery.

Recurring Characters: Stone Phillips.

Transcript

Eminem performs “The Real Slim Shady”

Chris Kattan ProfileSummary: Olympic-style coverage previews Chris Kattan getting ready for his next sketch.

Note: Because the show had run short on time, the sketch Chris Kattan is seen preparing for was unable to air on the live show.

Dream Team 2000Summary: Stock footage displays the arrogance of USA athletes at the Summer Olympics.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

MangoSummary: Rob Lowe studies Mango’s movements so he can play him in what turns out to be a porno film.

Recurring Characters: Mango.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 13th, 2001

Charlie Sheen

Nelly Furtado

None

Nelly Furtado, “I’m Like A Bird”

A Message From the Vice-President Elect

Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) discusses his recent heart attack.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

Charlie Sheen’s Monologue

Sheen endures audience questions about following his dad’s TV footsteps.

Fox Promos

New reality-TV programs: “Herpes Island”, “Temptation Trailer” and “The Cannibal”.

The Iron Chef

American Bachelor Chef (Sheen) offers competetion.

Eric Dickerson’s NFL Pregame Special

More non-sensical sports coverage, courtesy of ABC Sports.

The Culps

Marty & Bobbie perform a civil rights medley at a Martin Luther King Day assembly.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Katherine Harris (Ana Gasteyer) delivers payback to her critics.

Jimmy Fallon reviews Clinton’s Farewell Tour.

Chris Kattan gives a terrible re-enactment of Prince Charles falling off his horse.

Marta Mercado (Maya Rudolph) discusses treatment from employer Linda Chavez.

Recurring Characters: Katherine Harris.

Nelly Furtado performs “I’m Like A Bird”

Patsy Marsh

“As The World Turns” actress (Molly Shannon) overdoes her scene.

Ted Brogan

Woman (Maya Rudolph) gives birth to 37-year-old man (Will Ferrell).

T.G.I. Friday’s

Rude waiter (Chris Kattan) is son of T.G.I. Friday (Will Ferrell).

“The Pervert”, Film by Adam McKay

Classic Vaudeville with Charles & Fleisy

Sheen and Heidi Fleiss (Rachel Dratch) deliver adult version of “Who’s In First?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Bonus Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 8th, 2001

None

None

None

Jennifer Lopez
A Message From The President Of The United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) offers taxpayers $1,600 if they’ll promise to take him seriously as their leader.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.

Transcript

Montage

Celebrity JeopardySummary: Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell) is frustrated by the antics of Ozzy Osbourne (Horatio Sanz), Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) and Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Ozzy Osbourne, Martha Stewart, Sean Connery.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Hannibal Lecter (Darrell Hammond) gives tips for combatting flu season and tries to get inside Tina Fey’s head.

Recurring Characters: Hannibal Lecter.

Hitting on JenniferSummary: Will Ferrell wants to get his hands all over Jennifer Lopez’s big ass.

SNL Transcripts