Category: 2004

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Channel 5 Late Night Movie

Zarton…..Johnny Knoxville
Zebulon…..Chris Parnell
Human…..Will Forte
Jackson…..Kenan Thompson

[open on stock footage of a city at night with superimposed searchlights with title: “Channel 5 Late Night Movie”]

Voice Over: Welcome back to Channel Five’s late night movie, “Visitors From Another Planet.”

[dissolve to spaceship seen from space against backdrop of stars]

[dissolve to interior of spaceship with Zebulon and Jackson, who are aliens; all aliens wear silver spacesuits and have large craniums with three vertical ridges]

Zarton: [is an alien, entering with a man] Zebulon, I brought the Earthling I captured earlier today.

Zebulon: Excellent work, Zarton.

Human: I can’t believe I got kidnapped by Martians!

Zebulon: Martians? No, we are from the planet Plargon 7.

Zarton: I told you they weren’t a very intelligent species.

Zebulon: Fear not, human. We are a peaceful people, and I am sure you must have many question.

Human: Yeah, uh, did you guys build the pyramids.

Zebulon: Yes. We helped to construct your Great Pyramids many thousands of years ago.

Human: How about those crop circles?

Jackson: [sitting at console] The crop circles you speak of are manmade.

Human: Hmmm…oh, I got a good question. Why do you guys always anally probe people?

Jackson: What’s that? [stands]

Human: You know, when someone gets abducted they always get anally probed. Why?

[Zarton grimaces uncomfortably]

Zebulon: Uh, we don’t anally probe people.

Zarton: Q & A’s over. We should get out of here, Ace.

Zebulon: Zarton! What is he talking about?

Zarton: I don’t know. He’s probably got space sickness or something. Don’t worry, though. I’ll get him out of here.

Human: I just want to know why I got probed.

Zebulon: Wait. You were anally probed?

Human: Yeah, he said it was some kind of medical experiment.

Zebulon: Zarton?

Zarton: Why would I be doing a medical experiment? I’m not a doctor.

Human: He used that long, metallic test tube he carries he carries in his spacesuit.

Zebulon: Bad news. That wasn’t a test tube.

Human: Ah, well, that explains the scented candles and the Kenny Rogers music.

Jackson: Oh, man, you are so busted!

Zarton: All right, but look how he was dressed. He was asking for it.

Zebulon: He’s wearing overalls.

Zarton: Yeah, but he had one strap hanging down, and he was looking over his shoulder at me like that. [he acts all this out with his body language]

Zebulon: This is inexcusable, Zarton.

Zarton: Give me a break. I thought what happened on Earth, stayed on Earth.

Zebulon: Don’t they have females on Earth?

Zarton: Yes, but they’re one hundred feet tall, and strong, and hard to catch. [to human] Just go with me on this one.

Human: I’m not covering for you. You probed me!

Zebulon: You are a disgrace, Zarton. Consider yourself on immediate suspension from the Plargon Fleet.

Human: Ha-ha, you got busted. [chuckles]

Jackson: I don’t know what you’re laughing about. You’re the one who got probed.

Zebulon: Enough! Earthling, we will now send you back to your planet.

Zarton: Okay, I’ll take him back.

Zebulon: Not you, Zarton. I’m talking to Jackson.

Jackson: Oh, you got it boss.

Zebulon: But before you go, Earthling, I am sorry for any trouble Zarton has caused. And as a show of good faith, I will grant you the knowledge to solve the hunger problem that plagues your planet.

Human: Thank you, Zebulon. And even though we’re from different planets, you’ve shown me that good will can exist across the Universe.

Zebulon: Just go with Jackson in the library, and he’ll provide you with all that you need.

[Jackson and the human exit stage left]

Human: [from offstage] Why are there so many candles in here?

[Kenny Rogers’ “Lady” begins to play]

Zebulon: Kenny Rogers music always puts me in the mood.

Zarton: I told you these Earthlings are gullible.

Zebulon: Good job, Zarton.

[Zarton and Zebulon exit stage left, Zebulon unzipping his suit]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 22nd, 2005

Paul Giamatti

Ludacris with Sum-41

None

None
The Bush TwinsSummary: Alone in their room after the Inauguration, twins Jenna (Amy Poehler) and Barbara Bush (Tina Fey) speak in non-sequiters.

Recurring Characters: Jenna Bush, President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.

Transcript

Montage

Paul Giamatti’s MonologueSummary: Payched to be hosting SNL, Paul Giamatti tells the audience about his recent experiences at The Golden Globes.

Bio: Paul Giamatti (1967-). Actor; portrayed “Pig Vomit” in “Howard Stern’s Private Parts” (1997); received a Golden Globe nomination this year for his performance in “Sideways” (2004).

Transcript

Rice Confirmation HearingSummary: Sen. Barbara Boxer (Amy Poehler) calls Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) on her numerous lies.

Recurring Characters: Condoleeza Rice, John Kerry.

Transcript

GaystrogenSummary: The all-natural pill prevents middle-aged homosexuals from losing their gay sex drive.

Note: Repeat from 03c.

Limo RideSummary: Golden Globes limo driver (Finesse Mitchell) mistakes Paul Giamatti for Rob Schneider.

KaitlinSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) wants to play the drums at her Uncle Chas’ (Paul Giamatti) music store.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.

Transcript

Ludacris featuring Sum-41 performs “Get Back”Bio: Ludacris (1977-). Hip hop artist; real name: Chris Bridges; also acted in Oscar-winning films “Hustle & Flow” (2005) and “Crash” (2005).

Also Performed: 06f.

Hosted: 06f.

Cameos: 03r.

Sum-41 First Performed: 01b.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Rachel Dratch reports on the winter blizzard in sub-zero weather. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) comments on California’s first public execution in three years.

Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Transcript

Variety VaultSummary: A presentation of the unaired “Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Paul Giamatti) Feel Good Variety Hour” from the 70’s.

Reinhold InvestmentsSummary: Woeful office executive Andy (Will Forte) continually yells out, “Oh, no!”

Recurring Characters: Andy.

Ludacris & Sum-41 perform “Number One Spot”

Spy GlassSummary: More British celebrity gossip, courtesy of Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit.

Transcript

Franklin the CatSummary: After a night out with a new suitor (Paul Giamatti), Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) brings introduces him to her giant cat, Franklin (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Children’s PartySummary: Musicians (Horatio Sanz, Paul Giamatti) perform inappropiate songs at a children’s party.

Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.

Bag BoysSummary: A bag boy (Seth Meyers) quits his job at the supermarket after winning the lottery.

Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.

Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer InstituteSummary: Rafael Alonzo (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

Surprise PartySummary: After being caught off guard by her surprise party, a woman (Maya Rudolph) is unable to speak.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

SubwaySummary: Jared the Subway Guy (Paul Giamatti) announces his wife (Rachel Dratch) with free Subway coupons.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

The Bush Twins

President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Jenna Bush…..Amy Poehler
Barbara Bush…..Tina Fey
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, White House, night ]

[ SUPER: “Thursday Night After the Inaugural Ball” ]

[ dissolve to exterior, window ]

[ SUPER: “Jenna and Barbara’s Room” ]

[ dissolve to interior, room, Jenna and Barbara kissing their daddy, President George W. Bush, good night ]

Jenna Bush: Good night, Daddy!

Barbara Bush: Congratulations!

President George W. Bush: Sleep tight, you two. Dream about freedom!

Jenna Bush: Daddy, I always knew you were gonna be a two-term precedent. Whoo-oo!!

President George W. Bush: Right back, atcha, J-Bird! [ exits room ]

Jenna Bush: Oh, my God, Barbara! I’m so wasted! Do you think he could tell?

Barbara Bush: Probably. You were line-dancing, and your shoe totally flew off!

Jenna Bush: Oh, my God, Barbara. I’ve got the spins.

[ they sit on their beds ]

Barbara Bush: Jenna, I told you not to drink straight Tequila.

Jenna Bush: I didn’t. I mixed it – with Captain Morgan.

Barbara Bush: I can’t believe you threw your gum at those protestors!

Jenna Bush: [ chuckles ] I was exercising my God-given right, to protect my liberty from evil-doers!

Barbara Bush: I was so bored by the end, I started playing this game that, any time anyone said the word “freedom”, I stuffed a little piece of Oriental Chex mix up my nose.

Jenna Bush: I was so drunk, I made out with Dick Cheney’s daughter.

Barbara Bush: Jenna!

Jenna Bush: What? Not the gay one – duh!

Barbara Bush: I can’t believe we’ve gotta sleep in this room for four more years.

Jenna Bush: Not me. I’m getting my own place. I’m gonna get a cool job – designing fashion, or teaching deaf kids to read, or something.. And I’m gonna buy a totally bad ass condo in downtown Houston, and I’m gonna be, like, “Suck it, Vanessa Kerry! I’m livin’ large!” Ohh.. I’m so drunk..

Barbara Bush: Jenna, do you think Daddy’s a good president?

Jenna Bush: [ gasps ] Oh, my God, Barbara! How can you even ask that?!

Barbara Bush: I don’t know. I see all those people holding up signs that say, “Worst President Ever” and “Dumbest President Ever”, and “Biggest Liar Ever”, and.. it makes you wonder.

Jenna Bush: Well, don’t wonder out loud!

Barbara Bush: Jenna, we’re twins! We have to share our msot secret thoughts about everything.

Jenna Bush: Well, it’s disrespectable!

Barbara Bush: Just answer me in our secret twin language.

Jenna Bush: Barbara, we haven’t used that language since we were, like, 19.

Barbara Bush: Do-ba you-ba think-ba Dad’s-ba a-ba good-ba candidate?

Jenna Bush: [ exasperated ] Ba-yes. I-ba think-ba he’s-ba really -ba good.

Barbara Bush: But what-ba about-ba the-ba weapons-ba of-ba mass-ba destruction? They-ba weren’t-ba there!

Jenna Bush: But, Barbara. You heard-ba Dad’s-ba speech. We’re spreading-ba freedom! Saddam Hussein-ba was-ba a-ba bad-ba, bad-ba man!

Barbara Bush: I-ba know! But the-ba war-ba in-ba Iraq-ba is-ba a-ba big-ba shi-ba storm! What about-ba Social-ba Security? I read-ba it-ba isn’t-ba really-ba going-ba bankrupt!

Jenna Bush: But-ba.. allowing-ba people-ba to.. invest-ba.. their-ba.. retirement-ba money-ba.. in-ba the private-ba.. sector-ba.. isn’t-ba smart-ba because-ba, um.. Dang, I don’t know! This is giving me a headache! You think you know everything because you went to Yale, and I went to UT!

Barbara Bush: Oh, Jenna, don’t say that. Yale’s not so great, and UT has a real pretty fitness center.

[ President Bush re-enters ]

President George W. Bush: Hey. Y’all still up? Your mother asked the chef for some more of that Crème Broule, or as I like to call it: Freedom Puddin’.

Barbara Bush: No thanks, Dad. I’m tired, and Jenna’s got the spins.

Jenna Bush: [ alarmed ] Don’t-ba tell-ba him-ba I’m-ba blasted!

Barbara Bush: But it’s-ba so-ba bobvious.

President George W. Bush: [ confused ] What are y’all talking about?

Jenna Bush: Tell-ba him-ba it’s-ba food-ba poisoning!

President George W. Bush: I never could understand this crazy twin talk. It’s hard!

Jenna Bush: Daddy? Did you see Arnold Schwarzenegger tonight? Wasn’t he so awesome?

President George W. Bush: [ sits on the edge of Barbara’s bed ] You missed it. I went up to him, and I said, “Hey, Terminator! Hasta la vista! I’ll be back!”

Barbara Bush: That’s funny, Daddy! Do it again!

President George W. Bush: “Hey, Terminator! Hasta la vista! I’ll be back!”

[ they all share a heart laugh, as a tuxedo-clad Dick Cheney enters ]

Dick Cheney: Alright, lights out. Big day tomorrow. Fun was had. Let’s not push it.

President George W. Bush: Alright, girls. I’ll see you tomorrow. [ exits room ]

Jenna Bush: Good night, Daddy.

Barbara Bush: Good night, Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney: [ before exiting the room ] By the way: I-ba heard-ba everything-ba that-ba you-ba were-ba saying! [ chuckles maliciously to himself ] Go to bed. [ exits room ]

Barbara & Jenna Bush: Oh, my God! “Live-ba, from-ba New-ba York-ba, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

Goodnights

…..Paul Giamatti

Paul Giamatti: Alright, thank you! Thank you to Ludacris and Sum-41! You were a great audience. Thank you. Be careful going home. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

Kaitlin

Kaitlin….Amy Poehler
Rick….Horatio Sanz
Uncle Chazz….Paul Giamatti

[Opens with a music instruments store. In walks hyperactive kid Kaitlin with her almost sedated stepdad Rick. Rick sits on a bench in the store sipping from a 7-11 Big Gulp]

Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

Rick: Kaitlin, hurry up and pick an instrument. We got to pick your mother from work.

Kaitlin: Rick, if I don’t choose an instrument for music class by Friday, Ms. Stillsen’s gonna choose one for me and I don’t want to get stuck playing the recorder. I want to play the drums, Rick! [in Rick’s ear] Rick! I want to play the drums!, the drums!, the drums!

Rick: No. You don’t want to play the drums. We’re gonna ask your Uncle Chazz about it.

Kaitlin: You know Rick, I’ve come to terms with the whole no drums thing and it’s really hard but I think if we moved your Soloflex out of the garage, we could play some drums in there, Rick! Please! Please! Please! Rick, my drums…

Rick: We can’t get rid of the Soloflex. I haven’t stopped making payments on it yet.

[Uncle Chazz appears. He’s an old hippie with long hair, carries an electric guitar]

Uncle Chazz: Hey there, Rick.

Rick: Hey, Chazz.

Uncle Chazz: I’m sorry about last Christmas, man.

Rick: Don’t worry about it.

Uncle Chazz: Hey Kaitlin! Give me five!

Kaitlin: Hey Uncle Chazz!! [high fives] Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Hey Uncle Chazz, do you have a gig tonight?! Can I go to your gig tonight?! Will you put me in your list for your gig?! Will you put me as your guest on your list?!

Uncle Chazz: Oh, oh Kaitlin, man. You are always on my guest list.

Kaitlin: Hey Uncle Chazz, we’re here to get me an instrument and don’t even say the drums cause Rick thinks they make TOO MUCH NOISE!!

Uncle Chazz: You don’t want to be a drummer, man. Drummers are douchebags. No, they steal wives.

Kaitlin: I know, cause I can’t decide sometimes when I grow up I want to be a professional musician but other times I want to be a professional “Price is Right” contestant. I would always win Chazz, cause I would wait until everyone would stop bidding and I would say “One dollar, Bob” and then I would like [humming “Price is Right” theme] and then they’d be like “a new car!” And then I would play Plinko and I would be like Yodi! Yodi! Yodi! [yodeling, wiggling index finger]

Rick: Kaitlin, pick out an instrument.

Uncle Chazz: Ok, ok. Now is the time when you introduce yourself to your destiny. Today is your first day of your musical journey. But remember this, man. You don’t choose the instrument….the instrument chooses you.

Kaitlin: [impressed] Whoa, awesome Chazz.[goes looking for an instrument]

Uncle Chazz: [sits besides Rick] All right.

Rick: Hey, how’s your band?

Uncle Chazz: It’s amazing! Actually man, really amazing! You know, we’re this close, this close. I keep telling them, we need to quit our day jobs. We need to eat music and sleep music and pay our bills with music. I mean, the stuff that we’ve been laying down is pure magic. Absolutely instant classics. You know, we’re doing a concept album right now. And it’s called “Merlin’s Dew” and it’s all about this wizard lost in a violent world filled with processed foods and poverty and bitchy ex-wives.

Rick: The wizard has an ex-wife?

Uncle Chazz: Well, yeah! It’s kinda like rock meets folk meets country meets fusion metal. I call it “rofolkomet”.

Kaitlin: Hey guys, I can’t decide on this instrument and I have an idea. Maybe my voice should be my instrument. Cause I’m a very dynamic singer, Rick! [sings into an open microphone The Black Crowes “Hard to Handle”] Boys come along a dime a dozen, that ain’t’ nothing but plain good lovin’, Hey little girl let me light your candle cause mama I’m sure hard to handle, now give it now, be-e-e-op!

Uncle Chazz: [applauds] Jeez, man. My head is simply filled with lyrics. They come to me constantly, man. Listen, I wrote something last night. Listen to this, yeah, yeah. [takes out little pocketbook notebook] “My love is a fool’s game, the night is filled with moon’s shame, the wizard said cavachaphombum….”

Rick: Were you high when you wrote that?

Uncle Chazz: Yeah, actually I think I was.

Kaitlin: [violin in hand] Hey you guys, Rick this violin is not good for me. It’s too delicate. [pretends to sit on it] What if I sat on it, Rick?! What if I sat on it?! I almost sat on it three times! What if I fell on it? And I went whoa, whoa! whoa! [pretends to fall on violin]

Rick: Cool it, cool it, Kaitlin.

Kaitlin: Chazz, one time I was on my trampoline with my roller skates on and I tried the back flip and I flew up in the air and I thought I was a goner. And time stood still and I made eye contact with a bird and the bird was looking at me like “you have not mentally prepared enough for this back flip, I will guide you safely back to earth” And then I landed but I was still so scared and I ran inside and was like “take me to Taco Bell, Rick! I need a tostada to calm my nerves! I need to make a run for the border! Yo quiero Taco Bell!!” Remember that?! Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!

Uncle Chazz: That’s a great story! Kaitlin, hold it! I’m hearing lyrics, man! [takes out little pocket notebook and scribbles] Roller skates! Birds! Trampolines! Rick! Rick!

Rick: All right. Everyone calm down. Kaitlin, pick out an instrument and we’ll pick up your mother.

Uncle Chazz: Ok, I’m gonna go out on a limb here, man. The instrument that is calling Kaitlin’s name? The skins!

Kaitlin: That means drums Rick![runs around in circles around Rick and Chazz] Rick! Rick! Chazz! Chazz! Rick! Drums! Rick! Drums!

Rick: Hey, hey. Calm down. All right, we can rent the drums for a month.

Kaitlin: [kicks] Boom!

Rick: But, you can only play them when I’m awake.

Kaitlin: Thanks Rick. Awesome! [gets behind a drum set] Here we go! One! Two! Three! Four!

Rick: Kaitlin!

Kaitlin: All right, Rick. I’ll just work on my stick work.[wiggles stick through fingers in slow motion][whispers] Oooh, look at this Rick.

Uncle Chazz: Awesome Kaitlin. You know, if you’re coming to my gig we have to hit the road. It’s a four hour drive and my van doesn’t have heater back seats.

Kaitlin: That sounds awesome Chazz. [whispering to Rick] Rick, Rick, Rick. [loudly] I can’t wait to go to the gig! [whispers to Rick] I don’t want to go to the gig. [loudly] Please, let me go to the gig, Rick?! [whispers to Rick] I don’t want to go to the gig.

Rick: [bailing her out] No, no Kaitlin. You need to do homework.

Kaitlin: [whispers] Thanks, Rick.

Uncle Chazz: Well, I’ll walk you guys out. I got to call home and talk-sing the lyrics of my new song into my answering machine.

[the trio leaves the store]

Kaitlin: You like being in a band?

Uncle Chazz: Yes!

Kaitlin: Are you still married to Victoria?

Uncle Chazz: No.

Kaitlin: Do you stay up late?

Uncle Chazz: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are you a morning person?

Uncle Chazz: No.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

Paul Giamatti’s Monologue

…..Paul Giamatti

Paul Giamatti: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Very nice, very nice! Well, well, well, well, well, thank you so much! You know, I want to say that is truly great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Thank you! [ audience cheers ] And.. I – really, really, honestly – I want to thank all of you for coming out in the blizzard. Honestly, First big snowstorm of the new year. Beautiful out there – right? Right? You know, we weren’t sure we gonna get an audience – right? It’s really coming down. But, now, me and 400 of my new best friends, we’re gonna have a sleepover! Right, gang!

[ audience screams with applause ]

Yeah! You know, now, last week I was at the Golden Globes, out in sunny L.A., because my movie “Sideways” was nominated, and — [ audience cheers ] And that was really great, you know? I sat two tables down from the “Desperate Housewives, and, uh.. they weren’t as desperate as I would have hoped. Ah, a man can dream! But, it was a great night. It was filled with great moments, beautiful speeches. Did you all see Jamie Foxx’s speech? Wow! Wow! [ audience applauds ] I, actually, I cried. But not for the same reason that everybody else did. But, uh.. but, as an actor, I have to say it was a real honor to be in the same room with all of those people. I mean.. Martin Scorcese, Meryl Streep, Clint Eastwood.. Clint Eastwood! Clint Eastwood was at the table right next to mine. I mean, I was so close to the man I could put my fingers in his soup. Which I did! Let me say that! [ mimes the gesture ]

Mick Jagger was there. Mick Jagger! Right? He was there with his daugh- granddaugh- his wi- frie- something, I don’t know. Actually, I don’t really know who she was, but she was very lovely, actually.

Anyway, the whole night was absolutely amazing. And, tonight is going to be even more amazing than that. I am very happy to be here! So, please, cozy up. We’ve got a great show. Ludacris and Sum-41 are here! So you stick around! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

Rice Confirmation Hearing

Sen. Richard Luger…..Paul Giamatti
Condoleeza Rice…..Amy Poehler
Sen. John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Barbara Boxer…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, Senate Office Building ]

[ SUPER: “Senate Office Building” ]

Announcer: We now return to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, and the confirmation hearing of Secretary of State nominee, Dr. Condoleeza Rice.

[ dissolve to interior, Senate Office, Condoleeza Rice Confirmation Hearing ]

[ SUPER: “Rice Confirmation Hearing” ]

Condoleeza Rice: — And, in the next four years, I hope to continue to promote an environment of hope and prosperity alongside the world’s global powers. Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

[ cut to Sen. Richard Luger ]

[ SUPER: “Sen. Richard Luger (R) – IN” ]

Sen. Richard Luger: Well, thank you, Dr. Rice! On behalf of myself and my colleagues, we appreciate your comments. Uh, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve got this thing all locked up. So, in the interest of time, maybe you’d like to close with some bullet points.

Condoleeza Rice: Uh.. okay, uh.. freedom.. Saddam Hussein.. September 11th.

Sen. Richard Luger: Aaaaand.. that’ll do it for me! So! Unless there’s any questions, I think we can —

Sen. John Kerry: [ interrupting ] If I may, Mr. Chairman!

Sen. Richard Luger: Ah! Well, uh.. Sen. Kerry. You have the floor.

[ SUPER: “Sen. John Kerry (D) – MA” ]

Sen. John Kerry: Let me begin by saying, that there’s no place I’d rather be than right here, back in the Senate. And, to think, were it not for that feisty little state of Ohio, I’d be planning my own inauguration tonight. A party that would have included poet/laureate Bob Dylan.. and a performance by the incomparable Savio Glover, brining in both the noise.. and the funk!

Sen. Richard Luger: [ annoyed ] Do you have a question, Senator?

Sen. John Kerry: I do not have a question —

Sen. Richard Luger: You said you had a question!

Sen. John Kerry: Then, I do have a question! Dr. Rice, in your opinion.. don’t you think that would have been a cool party?

Condoleeza Rice: Uh.. yes – no. No, I don’t think so.

Sen. Richard Luger: Okay, let’s just – let’s just wrap it up! I think we can beat the traffic if. There’s nothing else —

[ SUPER: “Sen. Barbara Boxer (D) – CA” ]

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Mr. Chairman, if I may. Dr. Rice, I have a few points that I’d like to make.

Sen. Richard Luger: Really? May I remind you that none of this matters, since we’re gonna confirm this lady, anyway! And, may I also remind you that I have tickets to The Lion King, Sen. Boxer!

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Okay, I understand, Senator. Dr. Rice, please. Will you take a look at this map. [ holds up color map ] It shows the State Department’s list of every country in which Al Quaeda operated in prior to 9/11 – Iraq is simply not there. [ holds up document ] Um.. this is a document where you claim that Saddam Hussein was planning to launch a nuclear attack in the U.S. in the form of a, quote – your quote – “mushroom cloud.” I will be, uh, placing this into the record, as well as a number of such statements you’ve made, which have not been consistent with the facts.

Condoleeza Rice: [ taken aback ] Senator, I take offense to your accusations, and I would be very willing to talk to you about this in a more.. appropriate forum – you know, when there aren’t so many senators and TV cameras around. Perhaps, sometime after I get the job. [ smiles ]

Sen. Barbara Boxer: [ continuing ] Let me show you something. [ holds up a paper with a huge “0” on it ] This is the number zero, on a piece of paper, which represents how many weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq. Uh.. right here is a graph that I made. [ holds up graph with short yellow bar and tall blue bar ] The yellow bar represents the truth, uh.. the blue bar represents what you say. The blue equals lies. As you can see, the blue bar is crazy higher than the yellow.

Condoleeza Rice: Once again, Senator, I am going to get confirmed —

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Okay, wait, wait, uh.. [ holds up a cartoon drawing of Condoleeza Rice ] This is a big head caricature of you, and you’re lying and playing tennis. [ pulls over a plaster-of-paris homemade volcano ] Uh.. this is a plaster-of-paris volcano that I made, to represent the rising tension in the middle East.

Sen. Richard Luger: Now wait a second! This is supposed to be easy – in and out! She gets the job, we go to the parties!

Sen. John Kerry: Cat fight!

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Uh.. uh.. the baking soda represents our current situation in Iraq – this vinegar is your lies. [ pours vinegar into the mouth of the volcano ] Uh, when I combine them, look what happens – an eruption of lies! [ the volcano starts to smoke ] An eruption of lies from your lie volcano! Dr. Condo-lies-a lies-a-lot! You – let me get this here. [ holds up paper dolls ] You have fold the people.. [ holds up a dinner plate ] ..by feeding them.. [ holds up a packet of balogna ] ..a bunch of balogna!

Condoleeza Rice: [ smiling ] I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. Just trying to make a decision on these business cards. [ holds up business cards ] You know the ones that say “Secretary of State”?

Sen. Richard Luger: Th-that balogna thing really did sum up your argument, I think, Sen. Carrot Top.

Sen. John Kerry: Bruce Springsteen was going to sing at my Inauguration! He had changed the words of “Glory Days” to “Kerry Days! They’re finally here, Kerry Days!”

Sen. Richard Luger: Senator, do you have a question?

Sen. John Kerry: Technically, I do not!

Sen. Richard Luger: Alright! Then, I move that we postpone these hearings until after the Inaugural party. [ bangs gavel ] Alright. Is this going to happen for the next four years?

Sen. John Kerry: Yes, sir. We have lots to say —

Sen. Barbara Boxer: Pretty much so —

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

Spy Glass

Ian Gerrard…..Seth Meyer
Zoe Anderton…..Amy Poehler
Rupert Smythe Pennington…..Paul Giamatti
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz

[open on harlequin blowing smoke cloud with title: “BBC America”]

Voice Over: You’re watching BBC America.

[dissolve to opening montage with title: “Spy Glass”]

[dissolve to studio, with Ian and Zoe]

Ian: Welcome to “Spy Glass,” English television’s top shop for gloss goss.

[titles: “Ian Gerrard,” “Zoe Anderton,” placed beneath the appropriate persons]

Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and my lips are sealed. [lifts finger to mouth as if to make “shhh” gesture]

Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “Heil Harry or Swas-Sticky Situation.” [graphic of Prince Harry dressed as Nazi at top left] When Prince Harry arrived at a costume party wearing a Nazi uniform, it caused quite a Fuhrer. What turned this boy into a Ger-man? Too many gin and Teu-tonics? I think we can all agree this is Nazi best idea he ever had.

Zoe: [graphic of female silhouette with question mark at top right] What “Electra”-fying actress is maybe disguising a pregnancy as an illness? You’ll never Jennifer Garner an answer from me. But we all hope she overcomes her current Ben Affleck-tion. [silhouette is replaced by picture of Jennifer Garner, with cartoon of stork carrying baby]

Ian: [graphic of Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt in torn picture at top left] And now, “Brad Splits, or Let’s Just be ‘Friends.'” Well, the breakup is official, and Jennifer is Ani-stunned. But what man could blame Brad for getting his Jolies? Angelina said they were just friends, but maybe she’s being Lara Croft-y. Brad says, “Don’t blame me; it wasn’t “Legends of My Fault.” One too many? Bit of a stretch? I agree. Zoe!

Zoe: [graphic of David Beckham at top right] What tip-top news correspondent was removed from a party recently for ignoring a court order that dictates she stay a hundred meters away from David Beckham? Here’s a hint: She lives in my mirror. [Zoe smiles smugly as graphic changes to include Zoe joyfully peering from behind David Beckham’s shoulder]

Ian: And now let’s go to our teenaged news beat. Filling in for teen dream Vivan Cinnamon tonight, BBC’s Parliament correspondent, Rupert Smythe Pennington.

[dissolve to Rupert Smythe Pennington standing in front of Piccadilly Circus with title: “Rupert Smythe Pennington”]

Rupert: Well, cheers, all. It’s me, Rupert Smythe Pennington, with the fab gab for the teen scene. [swish-pan to photo of Olsen Twins] Well, it’s been reported that Mary-Kate Olsen will be moving out the New York apartment she shares with her sister Ashley. [swish-pan to Rupert] Now wait a “New York Minute.” Is this sister act breaking up, or is it just a case of a “Full House”? Oh, this just in! [swish-pan to photo of Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake] Cameron is sporting a friendship ring that seems to say marriage might be right around the corner. [swish-pan to Rupert] It seems this pop star is falling in love so fast, we should say [lifts hand to mouth] “Tiiiiimbeeeeer–” [removes hand] “–lake.” [swish-pan to photo of Jude Law and Sienna Miller] Hey, Jude. Don’t make it bad. Take a hot girl and make her your wife. [swish-pan to Rupert] Well, this is Rupert Smythe Pennington for Teen Beat.

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: Well done.

Ian: Indeed. Good show, Rupert Smythe Pennington.

[dissolve to Rupert]

Rupert: I must say, that was quite a delight. I’m afraid you don’t get that kind of robust language in the Parliament. That was great fun! Great fun! Great fun! Smashing! Cheerio!

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: [graphic of reveling footballers with mystery silhouette at top right] What me-shaped girl decided the best way to get close to Beckham was to shag his teammates? Me. [silhouette is replaced by Zoe] Jealous, Becks? I just hope you don’t call me. [title: “079808940-MOBILE,” “0044685493-WORK”] [Zoe nods and mouths, “Call me.”]

Ian: Just thought of another Brad and Jen detail, Zoe. We here at “Spy Glass” hope they give it another “Troy.”

Zoe: Didn’t need that one.

Ian: I absolutely didn’t. Terrible call on my part. Well, it’s time to join our cinema correspondent, the Right Honorable Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire.

[dissolve to Gene Shalit wearing small powdered wig in front of “Critics Corner” backdrop with title: “Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire”]

Gene: Parum, parum, parum! Well, it’s been a great movie year, and here are some of my favorite Oscar hopefuls. “Vera Drake”? Make no Vera mistake, it’s a winner! “Hotel Rwanda”? I R-want-a see it again! Somebody please R-wind-a it! “Finding Neveralnd”? I never thought I’d be finding a movie that good in this land! “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”? That’s one movie I wouldn’t Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind seeing again. I’m sick. This is Sir Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire saying “Pip, pip!”

[dissolve to studio]

Zoe: [graphic of reveling footballers with Zoe at top right] This just in. Those weren’t David Beckham’s teammates. They were stadium janitors. [graphic is replaced by photograph of janitors]

Ian: You’ve really got to pull yourself together.

[mobile phone rings]

Zoe: Oh, excuse me Ian, that’s probably David Beckham. [answers phone] Hello? That sounds great. [hangs up]

Ian: Was it David Beckham?

Zoe: No, it was my doctor. He says I have the Red Devil. A.K.A., Spanish chlamydia. And if you’re wondering, it is worse than normal chlamydia.

Ian: But we’ve had…

Zoe: We have.

Ian: So then I have.

Zoe: You do.

[dissolve to Rupert]

Rupert: Bad news for me as well.

[dissolve to Gene]

Gene: Oh, boy!

[dissolve to studio]

Ian: [to Zoe] Shalitshire?

[Zoe winks and coyly looks away from Ian]

Ian: When we come back, Naomi Watts drunk on shots. Is the Aussie lass drinking herself down under the table?

Zoe: You better watch your step.

Both: You’re under the “Spy Glass.” [Zoe brings her thumb and index finger to her left eye, as if looking through a spy glass]

[dissolve to title: “Spy Glass”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 10

04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
…..Rachel Dratch
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Well, tonight’s top story is the massive blizzard currently blanketing the northeast corridor, so we have started a new segment called “Dratch on the 1s.” Reporting live outside from Rockefeller Plaza, our very own Rachel Dratch.

[Applause. Cut to split-screen shot of Studio 8H and Rockefeller Plaza. Rachel waves to the camera]

Hi Rachel. What’s it like out there?

Rachel Dratch: Hi Tina and Amy! It’s really cold out here, and the snow is not stopping anytime soon. [fake snow falls on Rachel]

Amy Poehler: It’s so pretty though! Isn’t it pretty, Tina?

Tina Fey: It is, it really is. Rachel, is the snow as pretty as it looks from here?

Rachel Dratch: Well, there’s actually a phenomenon called white blindness, so I can’t really see much of anything. Um, something about the surface of your eyeballs freezing when the subzero air hits them. [thermometer displayed on screen next to Rachel reads “10° F,” and steadily falls]

Tina Fey: Rachel, I told you, if you need to warm up, jump in the van we put out there for you!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, what is she complaining about?

Tina Fey: I don’t know, she’s always complaining.

Rachel Dratch: Well there’s no van out here, Tina. Um, I did climb into one van I thought was ours, and a man with a face tattoo tried to sell me some stereo equipment. I stayed in there a little bit longer, though, ‘cause it was warm. And he wouldn’t let me out.

Tina Fey: Rachel, are- are people out on the streets? It looks pretty deserted.

Rachel Dratch: Uh yeah, uh, it’s pretty desolate, Tina, except for a few teenage fans who are watching me work. [Rachel gets pelted with snowballs] And our dedicated crew. [gets pelted with more snowballs] Hey um, can I, can I come upstairs now?

Tina Fey: Oh no, no, sorry Rachel. You know, if it were to suddenly stop snowing, that would be breaking news, and we need you down there in case that happens.

Rachel Dratch: But I, I—

Amy Poehler: OK, we’ll check in with you later, Dratch! Rachel Dratch, everybody.

Rachel Dratch: But it’s cold… [applause]

Amy Poehler: We’ll check in with you later.

Though most of Thursday’s Presidential Inauguration went smoothly, there was one scary moment when a gas cloud escaped from a manhole along the motorcade route. But fortunately, the President’s Secret Service driver used high-speed evasive maneuvers to avoid it.

Remember, only trained stunt drivers should attempt such moves.

Boxing promoter Don King filed a 2.5-billion-dollar defamation suit against ESPN last week, after a “SportsCentury” profile of him referred to him as “a snake oil salesman and a shameless huckster.” In ESPN’s defense, they got those descriptions off of King’s business card.

Tina Fey: Time magazine reported this week that Katie Couric has been approached by CBS to replace Dan Rather as anchor of “The CBS Evening News.” Apparently CBS really likes her idea for a segment called “Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?”

Replacing Rather with Couric would be good for people who like the news, but wish it contained more awkward flirting.

Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay, and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. [laughs] And yet, he gives that carpet muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride. [picture of Dora the Explorer smiling and wearing a backpack; applause] Look at her. A backpack? A backpack.

Amy Poehler: It was reported that Mary Kate Olsen will be moving out of the New York apartment she shares with her sister Ashley. Damn you, Angelina Jolie! Is nothing sacred? [applause]

Tina Fey: You got a point there.

Yesterday California, uh, carried out its first execution in three years, after Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rejected a final appeal for clemency. Here to discuss his decision, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[pan to Gov. Schwarzenegger; applause]

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hello Tina Fey, hello Amy Poehler. I’m not here to discuss the ending of that man’s life, and all those kind of things. We Californians have other, more important concerns, like the running of the water and all that, eh, the mud sliding around up there. I have to, uh, I have to leave my Exercycle and go up there and tell the mud to stop this. I- I know I have made the movies with the guns going off, and the buildings exploding and the robots running around, but this does not mean that I am a violent person, Tina Fey. I am not like this! I am full of joy, and stuff like this.

Tina Fey: Really. OK.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: You should’ve seen me on Thursday, Tina Fey. There I was, at the Inaugural Ball, with the President and the Vice President and the Secretary of this thing and that thing. You know, all the people are saying, “Arnold, you should be the next President in four years.” But I can’t do that, Tina! I’m not born around here. I keep saying this, but no one is listening out there. Yes, of course I would like to hang around and be the President of the United States, having the parties, and the making of the speeches, and the shooting of the rockets at the foreign people. But this will never happen!

But then the people are saying, maybe yes, with the changing of the laws up there, and the running of the race and the winning of the debates, and the calling of the opponent the girly-man. That is how, that is how we will get this done, and this is how Jay Leno’s going to be the next Vice President of the United States, and this is how I will not be the Terminator, I will be the President-with-the-No-Term-Limits-tonator!

Tina Fey: Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: It was reported this week that a hacker got access to Paris Hilton’s BlackBerry—if you know what I mean.

Tina Fey: [laughs] See you next week!

[The camera remains on Amy, even though Tina is ready to deliver the next joke. After she points her pencil in Tina’s direction, the shot finally changes]

On Friday—[laughs again] That was a hot seat!

On Friday, FCC Chairman Michael Powell announced that he plans to step down from his job two years before his term ends. Aw, that’s a shame. That’s a damn shame! That’s a mother—[several seconds of Tina’s commentary bleeped out] shame. [applause]

Amy Poehler: OK now, everybody, let’s go back to our “Dratch on the 1s” weather report. How’s it going down there, Rachel?

[cut to Rachel shivering, while the thermometer reads “-22° F”]

Rachel Dratch: Uh, OK, it’s still, still really cold out here. [removes an icicle that formed on her nose]

Tina Fey: Yeah that’s, you know, that’s why we’re talking to you. [Tina and Amy now hold coffee mugs in their hands]

Rachel Dratch: Hey, hey, what are you guys drinking?

Tina Fey: Um, hot chocolate. It’s almost too hot to drink, though.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. [both blow into the mugs]

Rachel Dratch: Can I- can I come in? I think they get it, it’s snowing!

Tina Fey: Rachel, being a good journalist isn’t about your personal comfort, it’s about the story, and if you can’t handle that, maybe you shouldn’t be a “Weekend Update” correspondent, OK?

[Amy gasps at Tina’s suggestion]

Rachel Dratch: You’re right. I’m sorry Tina.

Tina Fey: Now did you do that other thing for us?

Rachel Dratch: Oh yeah, um, I got it. [bends down to pick up several bags of McDonald’s food] But I think your Crispy Chicken Salads are frozen.

Tina Fey: Well then, you’re gonna have to go back and get us two new ones.

Amy Poehler: Unbelievable! And Ludacris wants a Diet Snapple root beer.

Tina Fey: I don’t think they even make that.

Amy Poehler: Well, she better find it, ‘cause it’s for Ludacris. [some applause]

Tina Fey: OK, we’ll check back with you in a few minutes. [Rachel just smiles and keeps shivering] Be well, Dratch.

[turning over the mugs] There’s no cocoa in here!

Elephant handlers in Thailand have started teaching the animals to defecate in a huge toilet. Cooler still are the enormous copies of Us Weekly.

Amy Poehler: Donald Trump and producer Mark Burnett are reportedly considering creating a Broadway musical based on “The Apprentice.” The pair came up with the idea when neither one of them could find a match to set fire to a pile of money. [applause]

A new sex survey reveals that 58% of British women fake their orgasms, while 4% fake their accents. [picture of Madonna]

Tina Fey: Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorcese are talking about making a sequel to the ‘70s classic “Taxi Driver.” It will be called, “You Talkin’ to Me, Focker?”

And it’ll make a billion trillion dollars!

Amy Poehler: A new study has found that being dumped can cause changes in a woman’s brain that are visible on MRI scans. The study also found that women hate being dumped while strapped inside an MRI machine.

Tina Fey: A woman in Brazil gave birth Wednesday to what doctors have called a “giant baby,” and this is a real picture of the newborn boy weighing 17 pounds. The woman will talk to the press as soon as she finishes putting her vagina back together. [some applause]

Amy Poehler: OK let’s, uh, let’s check back with Rachel one more time. Rachel Dratch, where is she?

Tina Fey: Weather on the Dratches… Uh oh.

[cut to a shot of a huge mound of snow, with a wool cap and “Weekend Update” microphone sticking out from the top]

Amy Poehler: Ra- Rachel Dratch, everybody.

Tina Fey: Rachel Dratch, everybody!

Amy Poehler: Wow. For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 5th, 2005

Paris Hilton

Keane

None

None
American IdolSummary: Throngs of untalented singers aspire to be the next William Hung.

Recurring Characters: Simon Powell, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, Qrplt*xk.

Transcript

Montage

Paris Hilton’s MonologueSummary: Kenan Thompson uses his super’s dog to communicate with Paris Hilton via her dog.

Bio: Paris Hilton (1981-). Hanger-on; member of the Hilton Hotel family empire; appeared in a homemade sex tape.

Cameo: 03g.

Cheapkids.net ISummary: Selfish wanna-be parents (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) are encouraged not to waste unneccesary dollars when raising their children.

Transcript

Versace SkiingSummary: On the ski slopes, Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) calls Paris Hilton a “bitch.”

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.

The Expensive PurseSummary: Both Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) and rich white girl Portia (Paris Hilton) want the same overpriced purse.

Recurring Characters: Starkisha, Malik.

Transcript

Cheapkids.net IISummary: CEO Gary B. Anthony (Chris Parnell) tries to pawn off children’s books with incorrect spelling for eight cents.

Transcript

Exclusive ConnectionsSummary: Exclusive phone sex hotline satisfies the sci-fi fantasies of nerds everywhere.

Transcript

The TrumpsSummary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) brings third wife Melania (Paris Hilton) home to meet the kids (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Melania Knauss, Ivanka Trump.

Keane performs “Somewhere Only We Know”Bio: Formed in Battle, East Sussex, England in 1997; members: vocalist Tom Chaplin, drummer Richard Hughes, and pianist Tim Rice-Oxley.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Donavan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother, Charline (Kenan Thompson), comment on the Super Bowl. A visit from the tiny people from Elliot Gould’s moustache (Fred Armisen, Rachel Dratch) takes a tragic turn. Tina and Amy perform a Superbowl Point/Counterpoint.

Recurring Characters: Donavan McNabb, Charline McNabb.

Transcript

Merv the PervSummary: His 20-year high school reunion prompts a flashback of Merv’s (Chris Parnell) slim prom chances.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

Transcript

Cheapkids.net IIISummary: CEO Gary B. Anthony (Chris Parnell) hawks ridiculously cheap children’s medicine.

Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer InstituteSummary: Rafael (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Topher Grace and Paul Giamatti.

Transcript

Inside Barbie’s DreamhouseSummary: Ken (Will Forte) cheats on Barbie (Amy Poehler) with another Barbie (Paris Hilton).

Recurring Characters: Barbie, Ken.

Keane performs “Everybody’s Changing”

The BarSummary: Philadelphian Brent (Seth Meyers) doesn’t score with woman (Paris Hilton) in a bar.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last seven episodes.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Access HollywoodSummary: Billy Bush (Seth Meyers) interviews Joe Simpson (Will Forte) about daughters Ashlee (Rachel Dratch) and Jessica (Paris Hilton).

Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.

Paris and ParisSummary: Paris Hilton and her doppleganger (Maya Rudolph) walk the red carpet.

Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie.

That’s HotSummary: Paris Hilton sneaks off to a party with Maya Rudolph, leaving Chris Parnell and Amy Poehler to carry on a conversation with a catchphrase-spewing recording.

Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.

SNL Transcripts