Category: 2006

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

American Medical Association

Doctor…..Will Forte
Nurse…..Maya Rudolph
Dallas Rivers…..Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Rivers…..Hugh Laurie

[ open on exterior, Emergency Hospital voices in the background ]

[ dissolve to the emergency room, where Dallas Rivers and his wife chatter as the Doctor enters ]

Doctor: Mr. Dallas Rivers?

Dallas Rivers: [ glares at the Doctor ] Who wants to know?

Doctor: Me. Uh.. I’m the attending Doctor.

Mrs. Rivers: [ as she files her scraggly nails ] Baby, you don’t have to tell them your name!

Doctor: Well.. it’s on your chart here.

Dallas Rivers: So?!

Doctor: So.. it looks like your leg is broken.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, it is, huh? And who told you that?

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Who told you that!

Doctor: Well, I’ve seen many of these before, I’m, uh.. I’m a doctor.

Mrs. Rivers: Uh — doc-tor!

Dallas Rivers: Uh, yeah. Well, here you go! [ whips out his wallet, fans his cash ] Here you go! Take it all right now! There it is, there you go!

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Take it ALL!

Doctor: Sir, I don’t know what kind of doctors you’ve had in the past, but I’m the resident Doctor.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, yeah? Well, let me ask you something.

Mrs. Rivers: Ask him something!

Dallas Rivers: [ sighs ] Why do you call what you do.. a practice?

Mrs. Rivers: Because.. they’re just practicing.

Dallas Rivers: Mmm-hmm! Mmm hmm hmm! [ they twiddle their fingers together ]

Mrs. Rivers: Oh! Oh, oh ohh! [ laughs ]

Dallas Rivers: You damn right, baby. [ to Doctor ] You know what? Call me when you ready to stop practicing, and do this for real. [ turns back to his wife ] Anyway, as I was sayin’ —

Doctor: Okay, what I need is —

[ the Nurse enters ]

Nurse: Mr. Rivers, if we could just get your address and Social Security Number..

Dallas Rivers: Ohh! Here we go. Time to put me in the SYSTEM!!

Mrs. Rivers: He didn’t do NOTHIN’!!

Dallas Rivers: Ah, it’s ON, now! First they get your SOCIAL! Then, the next thing you know, there’s gonna be a strange black VAN parked on the corner of my block, and the Girl Scout cookie girl’s gonna put a LIST’NIN’ device in my SA-MO-AS!!

Mrs. Rivers: Baby, don’t buy dem cookies!

Dallas Rivers: I WON’T!! I won’t NEVER BUY THOSE COOKIES!!!

[ the Doctor and Nurse are dumbstruck ]

Nurse: Fine. It’s your leg.

Mrs. Rivers: No! It’s your leg!

[ Dallas Rivers and his Wife laugh, and twiddle their fingers once more ]

Nurse: And who are you, Sir?

Mrs. Rivers: [ with great offense ] Sir?! I’m his wife!

[ the Nurse and Doctor look at one another with great confusion ]

Doctor: Mr. Rivers, I’m trying to help you, alright? We just need to get you X-rayed.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, no! Nuh uh uh uh! You’re not gonna be shootin’ ME up with the voo-doo! I had one of your X-rays before, and you know what happened?

Mrs. Rivers: We can’t get pregnant.

Dallas Rivers: We.. can’t.. get.. pregnant! It’s a TRAGEDY!!

Mrs. Rivers: Mmm-hmm.

Doctor: Okay, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you just calm down.. I’m gonna give you 20ccs of Demerol.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, no no no no no!! You are not!! I know what this is!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!

Dallas & Mrs. Rivers: [ together ] TUSK-EE-GEE!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!

Dallas Rivers: Look, man! Jusy get me six beers and a pint of Brass monkey, and let me up outta here!

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah. Let ‘im OUTTA here!!

Doctor: Okay, I can’t do that, you need medical attention.

Dallas Rivers: No, I don’t! Man, you know what I’m about to do is raise up right outta here right now, you know what I’m sayin’? C’mon, baby, let’s get outta here, this ain’t no hospital —

[ Dallas Rivers jumps to his feet and crashes facedown to the floor ]

Dallas Rivers: Agghhhh!!! Baby, my LEG IS BROKEN!!!

Mrs. Rivers: [ climbs on top of the bed ] Baby, no!

Dallas Rivers: I NEED A DOCTOR!! I NEED A DOCTOR!!

Mrs. Rivers: Oh, Sweetheart..

Dallas Rivers: OH, DOCTOR!! THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE!!

[ the Doctor and Nurse help Dallas Rivers into the hall, as Mrs. Rivers lingers behind. She pulls down her hiking miniskirt, as background music pots up. ]

Mrs. Rivers: Medicine.. is a noble science. Yet, every year, thousands of people deny themselves proper medical care because.. they don’t trust doctors. [ shrugs ] Maybe they’re crazy, maybe they’re ignorant. Or maybe their actual doctors just don’t measure up to the.. brilliant, the devestatingly handsome doctors that they see on television. [ she smiles up at the sky ] Whatever the reason, please trust your Doctor. Thank you!

[ Mrs. Rivers exits the room ]

[ dissolve to title card: “Brought to you by the American Medical Association” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

2006 World Series

Joe Buck….Jason Sudeikis
Tim McCarver….Bill Hader
Pamela Bell….Maya Rudolph

[Opens with sports theme music. World Fox Series 2006 logo. An outside shot of a sports stadium]

Joe Buck: Its game five of the World Series here at the new Busch Stadium here in downtown St. Louis and it looks like its just about time to sing the National Anthem.

[Tim And Joe are sitting in their commentators desk. Suit and ties, glasses]

Tim McCarver: That’s right, Joe. And singing tonight is Pamela Bell. Winner of local grocery store Schnucks “Anthem Idol” contest.

Joe Buck: I hear the girl can sing.

Tim McCarver: Well, lets go to the field.

[Cut to Pamela Bell out on the playing field. She has a microphone in her hand. She waves and smiles at the crowd. Crowd applauds.]

Pamela Bell: Oh…Say…Eh…ooh…Eeeeee!!! By the dawn….early li-i-i-i-ight![pause] Da-What…so pro-o-udly, we hai-i-i-ai-ai-ai-iled!![nasal voice]By the twilight’s….[normal voice] last gleaming!

[Tim and Joe are surprised by the horrific rendition of the National Anthem]

Pamela Bell: Da-whose broad stripes and right “ra-a-a-a-ars”![vocalizing] na, nia, nia, nia, nia, nia![forcefully] O’er the “ramrods”… we watched! Na, nia, nia, nia ,nia ,nia. [speaking] and the rockets red glare,[imitates watching bombs in the air] and the bombs bursting up in the air! [rapidly] Gave a little proof! [forcefully]through the ba-night!! [nasal voice]that our flag as still the-e-e-e-ere!

[Tim and Joe are stunned]

Pamela Bell: For its one, two, “knee” strikes you’re ou-u-u-ut! And the ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-me!!! [long pause] A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a–a-a-a-a-a-ave!

[More shocking looks from Tim and Joe back in the studio]

Pamela Bell: The Bra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a[She moves the microphone around her mouth, vocal sounds fade in and out]a-a-a-ave! B to the “R” to the “A” to the “V” to the “E” Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah [makes like she’s starting a motorcycle] Brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-brr-br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! Bra-a-a-a-a-a-ave! Uh!! Thank you! Thank you![waves to the crowd]

Joe Buck: We’ll be right back with game five here in St. Louis.

[Sports theme music. World Fox Series logo]

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

Kazakhstan Ministry of Information

…..Lorne Michaels
Borat…..Sacha Baron Cohen
Azamat…..Ken Davitian

[ open on Lorne Michaels sitting in a leather chair next to a lamp and endtable ]

Lorne Michaels: Good evening, I’m Lorne Michaels. [ audience applaulds wildly ] Recently, the NBC Television Network has experienced sweeping budget cuts. These cuts have been severe. [ reaches over to pour a glass of brandy from a crystal flask ] And all of us have been forced to make sacrifices. [ drinks, enjoys ] In an effort to conform to thse budget cuts, we have sold the first five minutes of “Saturday Night Live” to a foreign government. These are tough times, we do what we can.

[ the audience cheers prematurely, as the adjacent stage lights go up early and reveal the special guest star. Amidst this cheering, Lorne’s second budget cut barely goes noticed, as a page hands him an overstuffed sandwich. ]

Lorne Michaels: [ to the page ] Thanks. [ as the cheering dies down ] So, now, enjoy this paid address from the Kaka– Kazza– [ laughs ] Kazakhstan Ministry of Information!

[ dissolve to “Kazakhstan Ministry of Information Presents” logo ]

[ cut to Borat standing in front of a “Visit Kazakhstan” poster, with Azamat standing idly in the background ]

Borat: Jagshemash! My name Borat!

[ audience cheers as he performs a silly dance ritual ]

I’m from Kazakhstan! I like you. I like sex! We like, very much, your program, “Saturday Night Lives.” [ motions a pelivc gyration with his hand ] “Schwing?” Yes? [ laughs, turns to look at Azamat, who barely glances back at him ] It means, the same as erect! Also.. also, we laugh on your Coneheads. My brother has a head like a cone. He is retard! We like to laugh on him, too. Why not? He have a brain like a chicken.

American things are very popular in Kazakhstan. Pepsi macs.. hamburger.. baseballs.. and position, B.J. It very convenient – no need to remove wife from cage! [ mimes opening a cage ] We also admires your leader very much – George Walter Bush. And his father, Barbara. I here to make promotions of Kazakhstan. We have glorious industry, fine minerals, and cleanest prostitutes in all of Central Asia. They are much better than Tazakstan’s, whose vir-geens hang loose like sleeve of wizard.

[ Borat turns to translate his joke to Azamat, who laughs briefly before returning to his stoic position ]

Also, we have many natural re-zorses: potassium.. apples.. and human pubis. [ grabs a giant ball of human pubic hair ] This bale took over three women to make. Our pubis is finest in all of world, and can be used for clean pots and pans. [ puts ball of pubic hair down ] This year was a magnificent harvest – in fact my own testes forest has barely grown back.

Also, Kazakhstan best place for raise family. I myself have three sons – Belock, Beram, and Huey Lewis. Schwing? [ bearded boy enters ] This is Belock. He is eleven-years-old. This is his wife. [ young girl carrying baby enters ] She have no name because she girl. And this is their new baby. We are hoping to sell it to your pop star, Madonna. [ audience cheers ] We are ready to change colour of face, if necessary. [ motion kids off of stage, turns to audience ] Schwing? [ does his pelvic thrust dance ]

Kazakhstan also have great movie industry. This.. is Johnny the Monkey. [ Arab trainer enters with costumed monkey on his shoulder. The monkey climbs onto Borat’s shoulder ] He is our most successful actor. He like to dress as Humphrey Bogart. He is children’s favorite, and star of movie film “The Transbilski Express” And over three-hundred other pornos. [ motions monkey and trainer off of stage ]

You must also see my movie film, “Borat”, on November the three. And then visit me in Kazakhstan. You can stay my house, eat our food, and use my sister! She is tight, like a man’s annals! Scwing? [ does his pelvic thrust dance ]

Now – “a-Live, from New York, Home of the Jew, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

The Curse of Frankenstein

Head Villager…..Hugh Laurie
Frankenstein’s Monster…..Bill Hader
Villager #1…..Amy Poehler
Villager #2…..Kristen Wiig
Villager #3…..Fred Armisen
Dracula…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: [ over title graphic ] We now return to The Late Night Movie: “The Curse of Frankenstein.” They still do these late night movie things, right?

[ dissolve to exterior, Frankenstein’s castle ]

[ dissolve to stock footage, villagers running through the night with torches ablaze ]

[ cut to exterior, main door of Frankenstein’s castle, as the villagers scream with a collective force ]

Head Villager: Hold it, everyone! He’s right in there! Dr. Frankenstein! Give us your answer!

[ the villagers begin screaming again, as Frankenstein’s Monster steps through the door ]

Villager !: There he is! The Monster!

Frankenstein’s Monster: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, oh!! You guys looking for Frankenstein?

Crowd: YES!!!!

Frankenstein’s Monster: [ holds up his stitched hands ] You guys got the wrong house?

Head Villager: What do you mean, we got the wrong house?

Villager #1: YEAH?!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!!

Frankenstein’s Monster: SHUT UP!! [ they silence ] You got the wrong house! Frankenstein lives, uh — [ points behind the villagers ] Yeah, he lives over there. Across the moor.

Head Villager: Across the moor?

Frankenstein’s Monster: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! It’s, uh – a big castle.. uh, it’s got those, uh — [ snaps fingers ] oh, what do you call it, those white trees out front, uh —

Head Villager: You mean birch trees?

Frankenstein’s Monster: Yeah. Whatever.

Head Villager: [ embarrassed ] Well. Sorry about that.

[ Frankenstein’s Monster shrugs vacantly ]

Head Villager: WRONG HOUSE!! ACROSS THE MOOR!!

[ the villagers run back in the opposite directino from which they came ]

[ stock footage of villagers running through the night ]

[ cut to villagers standing at Dracula’s door ]

Dracula: He said what?! I’m Frankenstein?! [ chuckles, as he files his fingernails ] I’m sorry, guys – I think someone’s messin’ with ya’. I’m Dracula! See? [ shows off his outfit ] Cape. Fangs. Widow’s peak. Frankenstein’s, uh.. way back that way. [ points back in the direction the villagers just came from ] Across the moor.

Head Villager: Back that way? We just came from there. He said Frankenstein lives here!

Villager #1: Yeah!

Villager #2: Yeah, he said Frankenstein lives HERE!!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Dracula: Hold on, hold on, hold on – what did this guy look like?

Villager #1: He was TALL!

Dracula: Right, right, okay – what else?

Villager #2: He had BOLTS in his neck!

Dracula: Uh-huh. What else?

Villager #3: He was gree-ee-ee-eennnn!

Dracula: Okay. Tall guy, green, bolts in his neck – yeah, I hate to break it to you, but that’s Frankenstein!

Head Villager: Okay.. well, alright. I believe we’ve made a bit of a mistake. Sorry to trouble you! [ to the villagers ] Across the moor!!

Crowd: ACROSS THE MOOR!!

[ the villagers run back in the opposite direction from which they came ]

[ stock footage of villagers running through the night ]

[ cut to villagers standing at Frankenstein’s door ]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Well, uh.. he’s a li-ar! That’s what!

Head Villager: Well.. what about the bolts in your neck?

Frankenstein’s Monster: Oh, great, thanks a lot! I almost forgot about that spinal injury I had when I was four-years old! Thanks for bringing back those rosy memories! Hey – my dog died last year, why don’t you make a few jokes about that?!

Villager #1: He’s a mon-sterrrr!!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Hey, now we’re name-calling! What am I, in the 7th grade, all of a sudden! Well, you know what? You’re all a bunch of dicks! How do you like that?

Head Villager: Well, how do we know you’re not Frankenstein’s Monster?

Frankenstein’s Monster: How do I know you’re not Frankenstein’s Monster, you freakin’ genius?! I mean — [ glances at villager stepping too close with a lit torch ] Hey, dude – get that fire away from me. Alright? [ to ?? ] I mean, you could be a monster, you know? You got the weird hat, the patchy beard – you know? I mean, you look like a monster to me!

Villager #1: [ to Head Villager ] Well, maybe you’re the monster!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Head Villager: [ shakes his head ] I’m not the monster! [ points to Frankenstein’s Monster ] Look at ‘im! He’s got a square head and green skin!

Frankenstein’s Monster: Oh, great – now it’s a racial thing! You know what? You guys are a bunch of fascists! [ villager with a lit torch again step too close ] Seriously, du-ude! Get that fire away from me! [ to the crowd ] Here’s the deal: I’m a cobbler. I make shoes, and I hang out with my kids. You want to lynch me for that – be my guest!

Head Villager: Well, I’m sorry. We – we shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. We’ll leave you alone.

Frankenstein’s Monster: Uh – how about, apology not accepted, Weird Beard! I mean, let a guy live his life, would you? You know what I mean? I mean, it — [ his arm siddenly falls off and hits the stone steps ] Uhhhhhh —

Crowd: KILL HIM!!!

[ the villagers storm forward ]

[ cut to title graphic ]

Announcer: We’ll be back with more of The Late Night Movie. I swear they haven’t done these things in, like, twenty years..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Guest Writers:


September 30th, 2006

Dane Cook

The Killers

None

Brian Williams

Jim Rash
Richard Eckstrom for ComptrollerSummary: A bored President George W. Bush (Will Forte) makes small talk in the background as fellow Republican Richard Eckstrom (Jason Sudeikis) delivers a speech while running for comptroller of South Carolina.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Roy King assumes directing duties with tonight’s episode.

Dane Cook’s MonologueSummary: Dane Cook performs stand-up about negative people who go out of their way to being a conversation down.

First Hosted: 05g.

Transcript

Homeland Security RefresherSummary: Two members of the Department of Homeland Security (Dane Cook, Jason Sudeikis) teach a class of new recruits how to identify liquids or gels at airport checkpoints.

Transcript

Hugo Chavez Political RoundupSummary: Hugo Chave (Fred Armisen) hosts the Banana Republic version of the “McLaughlin Group.”

Recurring Characters: Kim Jong-Il, Saddam Hussein.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Faced with the challenge of sharing the same office cubicle, Steve (Dane Cook) initiates a “Cubicle Fight” with Gary (Bill Hader), the new hire.

Transcript

Al Pacino Checks His Bank BalanceSummary: Al Pacino (Bill Hader) calls a Wells Fargo operator (Kristen Wiig) to check his balance to make sure he has enough money to order an astronaut mattress.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino.

Note: This sketch was cut from last season’s episode hosted by Peter Sarsgaard.

Transcript

The Killers perform “When You Were Young”First Performed: 04i.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Brian Williams mistakenly thinks he was to become Amy Poehler’s new partner at the desk. Former President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) make amends for his remarks about the Bush administration’s anti-terrorism policy. Sen. George Allen (Jason Sudeikis) uses gobbledygook language to cover his racist “macaca” remark. Dustin Diamond (Andy Samberg) comments on the sex tape he’s distributed so he can save his house.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Condoleeza Rice, Dustin Diamond.

Transcript

Water CoolersSummary: A pair of Poland spring delivery boys (Dane Cook, Will Forte) drink all of their product, then try to hide the evidence during a surprise visit from their regional vice-president (Kristen Wiig).

Transcript

The Killers perform “Bones”First Performed: 04i.

Lyrics

Farrah Fawcett for Ocean SaveSummary: Farrah Fawcett (Amy Poehler) rambles incoherently for a minute before chasing the camera across the studio and inserting herself into another sketch.

Recurring Characters: Farrah Fawcett.

Transcript

Closing TimeSummary: At approximately 2 a.m., belligerant bar owners Deuce (Dane Cook) and T-Bird (Jason Sudeikis) turn on the lights and pressure everyone to leave immediately.

Transcript

GeicoSummary: Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) puts a Geico customer’s (Andy Samberg) experience into her own words.

Recurring Characters: Whitney Houston.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Petroleum

Siamese TwinsSummary: A pair of Siamese Twins (Will Forte, Dane Cook) teach a class.

Sale-martSummary: To maintain its everyday low prices, the discount merchandising outlet proudly cuts corners on employee benefits.

Geico IISummary: Jerry Lewis (Fred Armisen) puts a Geico customer’s (Kristin Wiig) experience into his own words.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Lewis.

Airport BarSummary: While waiting for his plane, a man (Dane Cook) shares a drink with a woman (Kristin Wiig) who constantly complains about everything.

Note: This sketch was also cut from last season’s episode hosted by Antonio Banderas.

GrillzSummary: Dental fashion accessory.

KuatoSummary: At a party, Claire (Maya Rudolph) is interested in Danny (Dane Cook) until the Kuato (Andy Samberg) from “Total Recall” bursts out of his chest.

Note: This sketch would air on next week’s episode hosted by Jaime Pressley. Bill Hader would assume Dane Cook’s role, while Jaime Pressley would assume Maya Rudolph’s role.

E-Z Date.comSummary: Entrepreneuer Cal Brandeis (Jason Sudeikis) acts as virtual pimp for a new dating service that will discreetly deliver a “date” to your door within minutes of registering online.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Richard Eckstrom for Comptroller

Richard Eckstrom…..Jason Sudeikis
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Principal Curtis…..Kristin Wiig
Mayor Sheila Bradshaw…..Amy Poehler
Danny Pendleton…..Andy Samberg
Ed Herbert…..Bill Hader
Mary Danson…..Maya Rudolph
Ted Redfield…..Fred Armisen

(The 32nd season of Saturday Night Live begins with a superimposed shot of Spring Valley High School in Columbia, South Carolina)

Mayor Sheila Bradshaw: And now, it is my great honor, to introduce our current, and I believe future Republican Comptroller of South Carolina, Richard Eckstrom.

(applause)

Richard Eckstrom: Please, take your seats. Wow. I’ve never seen this auditorium so full. There are so many people I need to thank tonight. First off, your incredible Mayor Sheila Bradshaw. Thank you, for your hospitality, Ms. Bradshaw.

(applause)

I also want to thank the head of your local rotary club, Ed Herbert. Don’t know what I’d do without you, Ed.

(applause)

I would be remiss not to thank Mary Danson and Ted Redfield, who hosted an incredible cocktail party last night, which helped me meet some of the fine people of this town.

(applause)

And to Principal Curtis, you have made your school as warm and inviting as I could have hoped for. Many thanks.

(applause)

President Bush made it down from D.C. to help the campaign.

(laughter)

That was awful nice. And last but not least, Danny Pendleton, from this very school’s Young Republicans Club, who helped organize a top-notch car wash operation, that raised $500 for the campaign.

(applause)

Stand up, stand up. (applause ends) I think we all know, it’s an important year for the Republican Party. It’s also an important year for South Carolina. I want to begin by taking about the recent developments in financial management, and internal audit in our state. I also don’t want to miss the opportunity, to talk about the needs of the public sector —

(A bored President Bush begins talking to Principal Curtis)

President George W. Bush: I love getting out on the campaign trail. As the president, I think it’s my duty to show my face, help out where I can.

(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)

Richard Eckstrom: — and to that, I’m going to be asking —

President George W. Bush: People know Bush is available, and to be honest, there’s less response than expected. Considering I am up to a 42% approval rating. Asked Rick Santorum if we needed a little presidential face time, in Pennsylvania, but, he said thanks but no thanks.

(Laughter)

DeWine in Ohio, he took a pass. Called Lincoln Chafey in Rhode Island…straight to voice mail. (laughter) But when I heard there’s a tight Comptroller’s race down here-

Principal Curtis: I’m sorry, I’m trying to listen.

President George W. Bush: Oh…righto, okay.

(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)

Richard Eckstrom: — new internal audit policy, and a review of our financial policies. And then I will explain, how the initiatives build on —

(President Bush resumes speaking to Principal Curtis)

President George W. Bush: Lots going on in Washington. It’s good to get outta there. Got an NIE leak. I’d be more angry about it, but it’s hard not to think it was one of my guys who leaked it. We do that. (laughter) We do that. (pause) Taliban’s back, that’s a burn. (laughter) We’ve reached a torture compromise, that’s good. (laughter) You know what constitutes torture, listening to John McCain talk about torture, that should be against the Geneva Convention.

(laughter)

Principal Curtis: I’m sorry, Richard is a friend of mine, I really want to hear this speech.

President George W. Bush: Okay.

(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)

Richard Eckstrom: — will make everyone, not just public servants, accountable —

(Still bored, President Bush turns to talk to Danny)

President George W. Bush: Play any sports, chief?

Danny: (whispers) No.

President George W. Bush: What are you interested in?

Danny: (whispers) Politics.

(President Bush turns back to Principal Curtis)

President George W. Bush: Saints are 3 and 0. (laughter) So it’s official. New Orleans has recovered. (laughter) Bob Woodward wrote another book. Says it’s gonna make me mad when I read it. (pause) I’m probably not going to read it. (laughter) (pause) You know what I do when I’m making a speech? I keep it simple. Let the audience know if the other guy wins, we’re all gonna die. (laughter) You know, 9/11, so on, and so forth.

(Fed up, Principal Curtis slides her chair over so she is now sitting next to Mayor Bradshaw, behind Richard and out of camera view)

(Bush turns back to Danny; Danny gives no response and will not recognize any of the following)

I’d make a good comptroller. You want to know why? I’d always be in “comptrol” of the situation. (laughs at his joke, light audience laughter) You hear that one? “ “Comptrol” of the situation”. I like that one.

(Cut back to Richard Eckstrom)

Richard Eckstrom: — I apologize for using a state owned car, for my family vacation. And also, LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Closing Time

Deuce……Dane Cook
T-Bird…..Jason Sudeikis
Man #1…..Will Forte
Man #2…..Andy Samberg
Man #3…..Bill Hader
Man #4…..Kenan Thompson
Man #5…..Darrell Hammond
Farrah Fawcett…..Amy Poehler
Woman #1 (Bride)…..Kristin Wiig
Woman #2…..Maya Rudolph
Man #6…..Fred Armisen

(After Farrah Fawcett inserts herself into the sketch, a graphic of a bar exterior is seen with KANSAS CITY, KANSAS, 1:50 AM)

T-Bird: You ready Deuce?

Deuce: Let’s do this T-Bird.

(They turn on the lights in the bar)

T-Bird: Okay folks, bar’s closed, let’s go, let’s go!

Deuce: Let’s go people, time to go, you don’t have to go home, but you cannot stay here! Let’s go!

(laughter)

(They begin taking to a group at a table)

T-Bird: All right guys, closing time, let’s go. We’ve got to move out.

Man #1: Can I have 5 more minutes? You just turned on the lights!

T-Bird: You just want to finish your beers?

Deuce: Right here in this bar?

Man #1: Ya, is that cool?

T-Bird: Ya!

Deuce: Ya, that’s fine, take your time!

(Deuce and T-Bird walk out)

Man #1: It’s 2:00AM already, I can’t believe that game went 19 innings!

(Deuce and T-Bird return with a bullhorn and a light)

Deuce: Let’s go guys!

T-Bird: Come on let’s go, beat it.

(laughter)

Man #2: Well, which one of us gets the trophy?

(Deuce breaks the trophy in half)

Deuce: There, you’re both winners. (laughter) Let’s go. It doesn’t matter where you go, you cannot stay in this bar. Let’s go!

(T-Bird and Deuce approach a man and two girls all talking)

T-Bird: Let’s go, closing time!

Man #3: We’re in the middle of a conversation.

T-Bird: Let’s go!

Deuce: You know what, I’m gonna need your keys.

(light laughter)

Man #3: Actually, I’m the designated driver.

Deuce: Ya? Well now you’re the designated key finder! (laughter) Let’s go!

Man #3: Woah!

T-Bird: Let’s go, move it.

Deuce: Move it out, let’s go, we’re closing! (To a table) Gotta go guys, Gotta go, now!

Man #4: I just ordered these nachos!

Deuce: Oh you want a to-go bag?

(Deuce tips table and slides food into T-Bird’s bag)

Deuce: There you go!

(laughter)

T-Bird: Let’s go, how are we doing ladies?

(they cheer)

All right finish your Jello shots and get out!

Woman #2: It’s a special occasion!

Farrah Fawcett: She’s getting married, and I’m Farrah Fawcett.

(laughter)

Bride-to-Be: You’re foxy, you’re cute!

Deuce: Oh really, we are actually much cuter, outside! Let’s go!

(Deuce and T-Bird pick up the bride and carry her out, as the other two ladies walk out of the bar; Deuce and T-Bird then continue to throw things away from customers sitting at the bar; they get to the end where Gary is sitting; the man is smiling, T-Bird breaks his glass, and Deuce sprays him with beer)

(laughter)

Gary: Same time tomorrow?

T-Bird: Ya see you tomorrow, Gary, let’s go!

(laughter and applause as we FADE OUT)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Farrah Fawcett for Ocean Save

Farrah Fawcett….Amy Poehler

Farrah Fawcett: Hello I’m TVs Farrah Fawcett. Bleep,bleep, bloop, bloop, bloop (laughs) Oops, I got thegiggles. Anyway, the ocean is important to us and theocean should not go away. The ocean should stayforever. And you can help make that happen if you joinus here at Ocean Save 70 Bloop Street, Giggles,California, XXXXXX. If the ocean dies we can’t callBosley to help or Charlie or The Six Million DollarMan or Kool and the Gang or Kenneth who works at thesalon. Even if I put on another red bathing suit andmy boobers were like bing, bong, bing, it stillwouldn’t do a damn thing to those who… (Boob slidesdown her dress) Hey, where is my boob going? Hey, comeback here, boob.

(Camera moves across showing the audience, Farrah gets up and tries to keep herself on camera)

Oh, ok, hey, hi, hi everyone! Where are yougoing camera? Camera? Look at me. Hi, what’s overhere? (Camera focus on stage set of a bar for the nextsketch) It’s a new world. This is like a differentplace. Where am I? Wow. I’m gonna do this scene now.

(Farrah places herself on a table with Kristin Wiigand Maya Rudolph. Screen fades to black for the nextsketch Closing Time.)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Geico

Eric Butler…..Andy Samberg
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on Eric Butler sitting at kitchen table with Whitney Houston ]

Announcer: Eric is a real Geico customer – not a paid celebrity. So, to help him tell his story, we paired him with Whitney Houston.

Eric Butler: I was late for my mid-terms, so, needless to say, I was kind of in a rush.

Whitney Houston: In other words.. he felt the need for speed. [ removes her dark glasses ] Like I felt the need to freebase cocaine off a hot waffle iron! But Mama don’t do that any more. [ claps hands together ] Mama is for [ hits high note ] rea-a-a-a-a-a-a-allll! Whoo!! [ holds her gaze upon Eric ]

Eric Butler: It was raining, and I started to hydroplane. I lost control of my SUV.

Whitney Houston: I lost control of my bowels! And my mind! When I passed Bobby Brown in a hot tub with three hoopty-hoopties from a Jay-Z vidja. [ does a little dance gyration with her neck ]

Eric Butler: I thought I was gonna have to postpone my exams.

Whitney Houston: That’s when I got in my SUV, threw that sukca in reverse, and drove backwards all the way to Dionne Warwick’s house! [ does her little neck dance gyration again ]

Eric Butler: Geico took care of everything immediately.. and I passed Sociology.

Whitney Houston: I passed Bobby Brown the other day! And I threw an old bag of Chicken McNuggets at his head! [ bounces her head around and sings ] “Ain’t it shockin’ what! Ain’tit shockin’ what.. love.. can do –“

Announcer: Geico. We’re wrecks.. cars.. and celebrities.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Goodnights

…..Dane Cook

Dane Cook: Thanks to the Killers! and Brian Williams! Brian Williams! I want to thank the outstanding cast – these guys are kick-ass! And, Lorne Michaels, thank you so much, you’re the best. Thank you, everybody, good night!

SNL Transcripts